But my EUM assclown, is exactly like him, he can’t communicate, he stucked in his emotionally development somewhere between 5-12 years old. He can’t cope with any stress, with any conflict, he just disappears. Like my father there were just two communications, either very sweet, like oh you are so sweet, or icecold, nothing in between. My father still comes and calls me and my sisters, when HE needs help, asking for legal advice (I study law), my sisters he asks for money, if they have problems with money, he won’t contact them any more, in ten years, he never asked how I am, if I am well, if I need something, cause he knows I am a student, no money to catch. When his wife died of cancer, he was crying, we all were there, even my mom invited him for christmas, some weeks after, he had already the next woman (only 6 months after his wife died, there were together for 8 years), and then he made the disapearing act, to my mom, to me.

This all resembles to the behaviour of my EUM, it’s always only about him him him, lazy communication, like my father he will my birthday…oh jesus. Is happy if I am there, when he makes the whiner, but disapears when I have a problem.

It is weird, as a child you can’t escape of abusement, and it seems, that now as an adult, we still keep stuck in a situation, though we could go and break out.

Being raised in the US i have learnt that it is NOT okay for a man to disrespect a woman… however, the Men i have encoutered in my life, have been exact replicas of my father – verbally abusive, emotionally absent, spread horrible lies to the community. Most of the times, it is the man who breaks it off, not me– because I was taught to stay with a man … and never to leave. I know I know i deserve better- but I dont know why i continue to do what I do… I want to break the cycle so that my own children never have to experience the cultural bars of domesticality – the subservent nature that i have seen in my mother. ..

I dont know if there is anything i can do for my mother, But i know that ( for the sake of myself and My future family) I need to break the cycle….and this site is telling me how to do just that.

I have a great dad who was always there for me. I thought he was perfect for a long long time. It seems like perhaps there was some confusion for him during my adolescent years….but we managed to get through it (my parents divorced when I was 12).
My problem was that none of the sensitive men (or the occasional EUM) that I picked impressed my dad in any way. THAT was the problem: he didn’t approve of any of them for any type of long term thing.
I married a sensitive guy who put me on a pedestal and then I then found him weak and unattractive (NOT like dad). Sad to say.
I found a new guy a year after my divorce. much more like dad. strong silent type (silent about emotions etc-like me). so far so good. he’s done some work so he seems like he has dealt with some EUM stuff…..he had a bad alcoholic dad.

the dad thing is THE MOST IMPORTANT relationship a girl can have (for her future relationships). I tell my ex this all the time when he bullies our oldest daughter (he seems to have stopped now).

However, I do see some “parental” things pop up every once in a while with my guy. he’s 9 years older so it’s bound to happen. it does seem quite healthy 99% of the time though. I think being aware of all of this is the most important thing…..

Someone has to take responsibility for that and I believe I deserved an explanation and an apology, which as an adult I demanded. After that, the burden is on me to make a change. My father still doesn’t show up when he says he will and is often MIA on planned visits, which in the past caused me to become so angry I have broken phones. My mom never let me or my brother get close to her and she lived and died that way. So,what do you do when a person won’t change? You love them for who they are and go on, I now no longer wait for him or any man. It’s them or you thats what it boils down to. Those who don’t get it, don’t participate, just don’t get any love from me.

I have to say as well, that more so that a Daddy Complex, it is the persistent search to find someone to ‘take care of us’ and in that search, and in our misguided attempts at such, we make unrealistic demands based on what we ‘think’ a dedicated male should do or be.

When you don’t have a good example, you tend to make your own. Based on bits n bobs culled from popular media, friends, etc.

Abandonment is a such a huge issue for so many these days. I wonder why, however, we have allowed ourselves to be so paralysed by this.

Throughout history this has happened, yet, we are one of the first generations to actually use it as an ‘excuse’.

Being emotionally connected to your parents doesn’t mean the Hallmark card sentiments that so many believe it does.

All it means is that you grow up knowing, feeling, and never questioning that someone is there for you. When you don’t have this, you question your worth, your value and your ability to discern the right kind of love and attention from the wrong.

It is a very difficult issue, and there are no easy answers.
All we can do is realise that as adults, we make our own choices for our own lives. Therefore, you must, absolutely must, figure out once and for all where your issues lie, and deal with them.
Don’t dwell or excuse but DEAL.

It’s all you can do. Just because someone else tarnished a very small percentage of your life, doesn’t mean that you should knowingly tarnish the rest of yours….

Are you *certain* that your son is the only one suffering from this guy?

NML, there is another complication. Most of us, men and women, are unsure about stray thoughts of incest. We know to avoid it, the damage it does. And most families do manage to avoid direct problems.

But what about the Dad that gets confused about his daughter and his relationship to her, as she enters puberty and beyond? Some men have difficulties managing an emotional level with their wife, and find their daughters terrifying when they begin to exhibit sexuality. One reaction is to withdraw, emotionally, to avoid harm to the child, to avoid unseemly accusations, and to avoid unseemly thoughts about his daughter. Many parents withdraw from their children due to confusion during the teen years, until their kids *become adult*, marry, or have their first kid. This period of confusion, in the many families where it happens, will be several years in progress and the most recent behavior to influence a girl beginning to date. Which gives the family a skewed relationship with the girl, and skews her understanding or roles and relationships just when she is making the most important choices of her life – dating, how to select a date, and what that date should accomplish.

Powerful thoughts, NML!

Whether a girl ‘dates her father’, or identifies with and grows into Mom’s family roles and relationships might be an interesting question to explore – both would have about the same affect.