My NC challenge is that my EUM is also my boss. I see him every day. How do I get out of this when finding another job is pretty hard where I live? I am searching frantically but no joy. He has taken the week off ‘sick’ and we have only had functional ‘no other choice’ work contact via email.

I am determined to break this cycle but obviously that’s easier said than done. I stopped counting my EUM relationships when I made a list earlier and got to 12…..

The urge to contact him is in the solar plexus, but he’s a small man, scared of himself, scared of the world and absolutely no use to me at all. He leaves me in pieces and even used “I’m scared of hurting you” … not that scared of it, or he’d have made sure he didn’t do the things which did hurt me (and which any healthy guy would have no problem avoiding doing but he’s screamingly narcissistic).

Brad’s comment about humour is spot on.

awesome!
thank u, thank u, thank u!!!

Yes. I started by doing volunteer work. Not only are you able to contribute to your community but you will also meet some amazing people through the projects. I would also look into classes: cooking yoga, meditation, dancing, school etc……. What ever interests you. There is absolutely no reason not to get out there and live your life.

Also, try Meetup.com.

The first time feels awful. But there must be the first, and second, and third time — if only so as to make sure that these places, concerts, films etc. are no longer associated with HIM in your mind, that you are not dependent in any way – either on him or on any other person. And, as we know, the first step towards finding the right person is learning to feel comfortable with ourselves, when we are on our own…. After all, we do not want to end up thinking “I would go there, BUT only if he, or somebody else, were there”….Otherwise we are stuck….

It got easier and easier each time I did it. Now, it is not hard for me at all to enter most places.

Number one: Get dressed up and made up as if you were going on a date or to work. Not because you are looking for someone, but because it makes you feel good, and especially because you are doing it for you. You deserve to “see” yourself as beautiful. Always, always, always, leave your house with your game face on.

I have recently expanded it to always having my game face on, even at home, unless I am sick. It empowers me.

Number two: If you want to go to a restaurant, choose one that has a bar with tables; you can usually get seated right away, and you can have your dinner without having to wait. Also, choose a place that caters to business travelers. YES, be cautious, because there are many one night ASSCLOWNS out there. But, people who travel for business are quite often alone, and so in this setting, you are surrounded by people with whom you don’t have to engage. Or, if you do want to engage, there are people who are willing to engage in small talk. The other thing is that the bartender is usually always willing to engage in small talk with someone who is friendly.

Movies: Buy your tickets online, and then you avoid the awkwardness of waiting in line by yourself.

Theatre: The same. There are a lot of GREAT seats that are for one only. Again, you are surrounded by people, and the people on either side of you are usually quite friendly.

My thinking goes like this: “I am a great gal!” But, he just needs some time to deal with his wounds, his past, and his broken heart. When this happens, he will be so thankful that he has me in his life. He will come to know that he is making choices, in his life, other than me, that are not good for him.

“I am so good for him. I can see it, feel it, and know it just by how he is when he is around me.” But, he is a different person around me. He isn’t a jerk to me like he is to other people. He’s so much kinder to me. He doesn’t have that tone of voice when he talks to me, like when he talks to his other woman.

I don’t know why it took me so long to see this. Maybe it is the almost 6 months of no contact. I don’t know, but this is an insight that I just hit upon. I am a backwards “but girl”.

I saw him the other day – as in he was in the same meeting I was in – and I noticed that he continually surrounds himself with not so nice people. That was the moment that the pain of the heartbreak began to lift. Well, to be honest, lifted temporarily. But, I’m doing the best that I can. Maybe next time I run into him, the pain will be lifted for 10 seconds more, and I can build a shield, albeit slowly. Anyway. . .

It finally dawned on me that no matter how kind I am, no matter how caring, no matter how patient, no matter how loving I am, he continually chooses to surround himself with people who are the opposite of me. People who are just like him. Both male and female.
And it became so clear to me, at that point. I would not have any one of those people in my life in any capacity, and yet, he gravitates to them. Here’s the “but” – it dawned on me, finally: What is wrong with me that I gravitated to him?

Addiction and more specifically, some kind of crazy addiction to only him. I have been able to shut others out of my life that mistreated me, but not him.

Now, epiphany aside, my heart still hurts, and I just want to have one 24 hour period go by, where the thought of him doesn’t pop into my head. Even six waking hours would be nice. I want to not to have to think, “Gosh, it’s day 162 of no contact; only 21 more days until the six month point.”

Chloe~ I’m glad you finally got the number blocked. The less you interact with him the better and just keep working on yourself, your dreams, your goals, your happiness. You deserve much more than this assclown could ever give you. Let him go, it’s time.