I’m always wary of people who say and do stuff and then when called on it, they pull the ‘sensitivity card’ especially as I guarantee you that if you were to find their own ‘hot button’ or challenge them on what they’ve said or done, you’ll see how ‘sensitive’ they are. Ironically. Of course they’ll claim that their reason for being upset / offended is more ‘just’ than yours.
So many readers tell me stories of open and shut cases of assholery or where something has been said or done and they’ve expressed discomfort / concern or just questioned it and been met with accusations of being “too sensitive” or “it was just a joke” or “Jeez! If you’re going to be like that, we might as well call it quits / not be friends anymore”.
If you don’t have the presence of mind and self-esteem to recognise what’s going on, you may default to second-guessing your feelings and switching to people-pleasing mode and then of course you become desensitised to what may be increasingly inappropriate behaviour or you don’t, but each time you feel upset or whatever, you shut it down with concerns of being “too sensitive”.
Here’s the thing: When you’re truly being “sensitive” it means means easily distressed, hurt, and offended by slight changes or basically by something slight. Really, is anything that you’ve been wondering if you’re being ‘too sensitive’ about really that slight?
If you feel hurt, distressed and offended quite quickly all of the time in a variety of situations around a variety of people then you’re either surrounded by a hell of a lot of shady people or yes, there are potentially sensitivity issues which may be stemming from feeling that you’re always under attack and thinking that everything is about you or just having a ‘negative association’ with something. It’s like when you’re very sensitive to criticism and see all feedback as criticism and take it badly, when actually there may be some honest, helpful feedback in there. I know based on certain difficult experiences from childhood or in relationships, I’ve been very ‘sensitive’ to certain things but actually, it was more often than not me recognising that I was in some way repeating an unhealthy pattern of behaviour. Really being called “too sensitive” can be another example of someone running roughshod over your feelings and prioritising themselves. This is unacceptable.
Equally, if you’re around someone who keeps doing things that cross or even flat out bust your boundaries, you feeling hurt, offended or distressed is not being “too sensitive”. There’s nothing ‘slight’ about someone overstepping the mark or even tap dancing all over it. They might think it’s slight but that doesn’t mean that it is. Going back to the criticism issue, yes you may be sensitive to criticism from someone but then if they actually criticise you all of the time, you’re bound to be. The type of person who will ride your arse like Zorro all the time may be thinking “Well stop doing things that I need to pick you up on!” That’s abuser talk.
Let’s imagine that tomorrow someone oversteps the mark with you. When you consider what they’ve said or done within a wider context of their general treatment of you and let’s say that their general treatment of you is even worse, then yes, contextually, what they do tomorrow may look ‘slight’ in that circumstance. However it’s a bit like (and I’ve heard this complaint time and again) when someone who’s abusive or who you just have a history of them crossing the line cracks a ‘joke’ with you. Yes it might be that you are being ‘sensitive’ to their joke but then you have to consider that your reaction to the joke in this circumstance is influenced by the fact that they’ve also done A,B, and C, and actually, they might think that the joke is funny but you might not because it’s a veiled, passive aggressive chopping dig at you.
Your boundaries are your boundaries. It’s not up to anyone else to tell you about your own comfort levels or ‘correct’ them to fit around their own agenda.
Your feelings are your feelings. Some people aren’t bothered by certain things but that doesn’t invalidate your position. And yes, some people aren’t bothered by certain things because they have empathy issues so as long as they ‘feel’ (they’re not tapping into many emotions) OK with something and like their perspective, they won’t understand what you’re ‘in a flap’ about.
When somebody keeps telling you that you’re ‘too sensitive’, they’re basically saying “I’m not going to consider your feelings and respect your position because I think that what I’m saying / doing is fine, so get a thicker skin.” What they forget of course is that if they’ve said / done something repeatedly and they’re a remotely empathetic person in a mutual relationship with you, romantic or otherwise, they would consider your feelings and at least try to understand your position.
You could learn to cope with it better, but really, learning how to deal with something better is what you do when you’re for instance, sensitive to criticism and conflict, but it’s not what you do when what you’re actually trying to learn how to manage and tolerate is unacceptable behaviour. Also I’ve discovered that when there is a genuine misunderstanding, the person will clarify what they really meant not call you “too sensitive” or reply back with justification of shady behaviour.
Don’t let anybody override your feelings. Acknowledge why you’re bothered by something because it’s all information that helps you to become more self-aware. If you’re going to ‘downgrade’ how you feel about it, do it based on reviewing the facts and drawing your own conclusion not on someone mocking you into submission. You’re not being “too sensitive”. Be around people who you can be you around, feelings and all.
Your thoughts?
Updated 1st November: An audio version of this post is now available.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Lillia ‘people’ are not ‘insensitive’. Those making such comment’s are being rude & you are well within your rights to tell them so.
The next time such a comment is made to you try a retort such as, ‘are you alway’s so rude, or am I just so incredibly fantastic that you couldn’t resist the urge to criticise me in order to boost your own fragile sense of self esteem’… followed by a whithering stare, after which you then start smiling wickedly.
They will be shocked by your deadly accurate response that they wont know what to think! They also wont know if you are joking or serious! If they make an issue of it just start laughing wildly & say, ‘you should have SEEN the look on your face’ !!!
By now they will be most keen to change the subject because you have just beaten them at their own game & made them look like a complete fool!
PS Don’t be afraid to practice this a few times while you’re alone so when the occassion arrives, it just rolls on out. Pre-rehearsing responses to these sorts of situations can be VERY effective!! xxx
Thanks Teachable, I´ll try that out, lol!
These situations always leave me speechless because I never tell people those sort of things myself.
I would be afraid to cause an awkward situation, just like those people who ask “So when are you two going to get married/have a baby/have another baby” when perhaps the couple just had a fight because one of them doesn´t want to get married/have a baby or maybe they have trouble getting pregnant.
The other thing I find tricky is when people offer that kind of advice with seemingly good intentions, like they are helping you. Their paternalism makes me feel like I am a complete loser, you know?
Anyway. I need to convince myself that I am okay the way I am.
Thanks Selkie. I’ve been on my healing journey for a long time. Involved in a self help movement for 26 yrs with much professional therapy along the way. This will continue, for the rest of my life. Perhaps not the professional ‘therapy’ part, & who knows, maybe not even the self help part either, but I am definately on a spiritual journey & this at least will continue for me until the end of my days. I have been quite wounded in these past three years, despite my ex being out of my life for 2 years now, since I saw him, & 1 year since I went NC. The first anniversary of his death is coming up in January. I am not looking forward to it. It has saddened me greatly that I was in such a vulnerable place when he reappeared that, although we were not in a r/ship, I still allowed him to treat me very badly. This undid many years of hard work for me. It has rocked my confidence. No other man could have done this, but that HE, of all men, did, has well… we all know how hard it is to learn to trust again. I wasn’t good at that to start with. I didn’t discover the OW until some mths after it was all over. It was a bombshell. There was no pining & romanticising after that. I HATED him with a passion for what he had put me through. And then he died. But not before his last attempt to contact me on the morning of day he died though. I did not falter. I did not stumble. I have no regrets (from this time around at least, anyway). I still have a long way to go before I am healed however.
P. Thankyou.
Rev, I’ve never had the ‘too sensitive’ complaint either. I have however been accused of being a ballbreaker (which is rubbish & code for, ‘don’t hold me accountable for my irresponsibilty’!).
“Ballbreaker” ha! Shocked as hell I’ve never been called that. Maybe it’s because I reserve my special bitchiness for the female narcissists that were once in my life.
You’re right about the code, though. I’m also betting that good, decent, secure men don’t get that treatment from you. Just the a-holes. Funny that.
Yes quite… People like this have nice thick skin themselves of course, so won’t mind the cold when I put them out the door;)… Nice write
I understand Lilia. But remember. By replying with an appropriate retort (it doesn’t have to be my one. You may think of a substitute you’re more comfortable with in advance, of your own) YOU did not ’cause’ any awkward situation that may arise. THEY did & your retort,& the occassion of such awkwardness arising will most likely put a stop to any further comments. People tend to learn from consequences of their behaviour & so far the way you tell it, in the moment, there seem to have been none for them. So one way of handling such situations, (as a suggestion only) might be to create some for them. It may be momentarily unpleasant but less so one would think than the damage to your self esteem caused by letting them think they’ve gotten away with uninvited criticism. Just a thought… x
Lilia,
The other issue, where ppl try to start up conversation & it hits a raw nerve, I think, can happen by accident just b/c we’re all a bit conversationally clumsy at times. Most ppl would not ask such a thing ie abt marriage/ babies etv if they knew it was an issue, so that sounds a tad like & ‘foot in mouth’ syndrome. I did it myself once. WORST example ever. Thinking I was being pleasant & friendly, I asked (cringe), when a colleagues baby was due. She was not pregnant! I was mortified! Lesson learned!!!!!!
This one I’d handle by simply switching the subject into another direction. Sometimes it may be neccessary or you may choose to clarify something before doing so (or not). In my colleagues case she ignored me & the conversation moved on. She later visited me in my office with a friend in tow for support. I wondered what was wrong. It was then that she told me. I apologised profusely & that was that.
I hope that helps a little. We really can be total clutzes sometimes. Or at least I know I was, that day! Doh!
Fearless
The nearest large cities, Boulder and Denver are 100+ miles away over one of the most hazardous stretches of road in the US. Do wish I lived in a civilized nation with mass transit. This town has a population of around 2500, most poor and uneducated. All of the single educated women I know here are in the same boat. Our boy is very tall, fit, gorgeous and highly eloquent, and charming. Most of the older men both in this town and for a wide radius around here are none of those things. This dude can troll through the women here, the women college- wide with impunity. He has zero comptition and knows it. He is smart, it’s not sexual harrassment if you pursue someone and she falls in love with you, not knowing that you have at a minimum one other woman on the side and are also trolling on line saying you are “single”. Its just S@#$ behavior. It also violates no workplace rules if you put yourself, after the fact, on a committee with a woman you deeply hurt and humiliated and flirt with the only other woman in the group right in front of her during your meetings. Its almost like theres an element of deliberate cruelty there. As far as I know, I am the only one that has called him on his behavior. Do I risk a future where being financially ruined, even impoverished is a very real possibility in order to get away from this dude? Some of the workplace higher ups know about the situation. My read of it is they’d rather have me stick around than him; I actually do my job. However, that doesn’t solve the issue of extreme social isolation and very few healthy choices. I really would like to be married again or at least have a partner, I’d like a circle of healthy, like minded friends not associated with work. I’d like to speak freely about environmental issues without threat of retaliation. This next year oughta prove mighty interesting. Why is it that hurtful folks seem to thrive and the folks they hurt feel crushed?
Wow, I’m in EXACTLY the same boat as you Miskwa, and have had almost the same identical experience as you and your charming, amoral ex. My ex too is the only interesting, charming, educated, gorgeous, “quality” (at least on the outside) man in my little upper midwest town of 2500. This is the redneck, hillbilly capitol of the north, so he stands head and shoulders above any other eligible man here. At the same time, there are plenty of smart, wonderful, lonely women he can sample (and he has) as there is no other competition. And apparently he has had to suffer no consequences for his actions. Like you, I have to work with this guy, and I can’t tell you the number of insensitive things he has done since he dumped me. It does seem like deliberate cruelty, doesn’t it. I think it’s more a kind of careless and clueless insensitivity. The question is: how much do I have to let it affect me?
Like you, I have to decide if I need to move to not only get away from him but to have a chance to meet somebody decent. I love the area and I really had had a tough internal struggle trying to figure out what my motives are. My first thought is that we’ve already given these guys too much already – our hearts, our thoughts, our bodies, our hopes… we just can’t let them have the power to decide where we live as well! If you eventually decide to move, let it be for the reason that you’re doing it FOR yourself and not AGAINST him and his presence.
I absolutely love this website, such great advice, thankyou heaps! however even after reading this article, I am still unsure if I am being too sensitive or not? I have been dating this guy for about 3 months and sometimes he says really rude things… he has made rude remarks about my family and friends (which once I confront him about, he apologises) and sometimes just swears randomly… for example we were going for lunch and I thought the restaurant we were going to was closed which I mentioned to him and his reply was “for f**k sakes its says its open” but its not just this one comment its quite often. Its always “F**k this or f**k that” or “you know F**k all” and he makes remarks about me as a person… calls me “lazy” and that “I have never worked hard in my life” when I bring it up to him and tell him he is being rude he says “you’re being too sensitive, I was only kidding” “your mind is confused, you’re making something out of nothing” or “Oh yeah Iam such a bad guy, I treat you really badly?”. Iam genuinley confused. I have had some terrible relationships and Iam only 23. I Just dont know if I am being too sensitve or if he is actually doing something that is out of the norm? HELP PLEASE!!
lentlebean, It sounds like he is being disrespectful, minimizing you and playing mind games to keep you where he wants you. Respect for who we are and what we value should be a non-negotiable. What he is doing is not acceptable or part of a healthy relationship.
“Something to keep in mind either way: When you ask your partner for something you value, and he refuses, your remaining options are these: stay on his terms or leave on yours. Don’t let other things clutter that point.”
This was part of Carolyn Hax’s reply to a letter in her advice column today. It really resonated with me and I think it applies to your situation, too. She gives great advice and the cartoon that accompanied today’s column is great, too.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/dear-carolyn-shes-reconsidering-after-rediscovering-first-love/2012/11/06/cddae25c-1df8-11e2-b647-bb1668e64058_story.html
You have every right to be upset. He is, without a doubt, being mentally abusive. I just left a post on a different blog about my last ex-boyfriend and how mentally abusive he was. He’d say some of the same things your guy says to you, but much worse. These guys thrive on putting down others to enhance their already low self-esteem. By bringing you down, it raises them up. By putting all the blame on you, he doesn’t have to feel as if he’s done anything wrong. Don’t be fooled, by saying he’s just kidding or you’re too sensitive, that’s a load of sh*t. The ex would insult me and humiliate me, then say I’m being too sensitive and I should toughen up some. These guys are selfish, thoughtless fools who have absolutely no respect for you or your feelings. Tell this guy to piss off, you don’t want to be sucked down to his level. We are all too good for this kind of treatment.
Got it Rev x
Lentle bean he is emtionally abusive. Google emotional abuse, learn all you can about it & GET OUT now BEFORE he destroys you (because if you stay he WILL). x
I read the more recent article before I read this one! I have been dealing with this for a while. I have come to the conclusion that I am a fair, intelligent and a logical person. I am learning to really believe this all the way down to my bones. I have to trust who i am. So, I know when someone is just doing a little friendly joking….I know the difference because 80 percent is based on my feelings and 20 percent is based on my logic..the combination clearly tells me what is oing on in any given situation.
Yes, I have my issues but I have never been accused of being completely clueless. In fact, I went back and read my journals and read what I was feeling at the time that I was going through some mess. And guess what…my feelings were spot on! Problem is, I would mix up my instincts/feelings with my own fears of abandonment, not being liked/ loved, time is running out, etc. So I would disregard my own feelings!
Now, I know if I m feelings insulted, chopped down, under the disguise of a joke, I know that my internal alarm is going off. Simply put….always choose and respect what you are feeling.