Comments on: Are you hanging with a solo thinker or a team player in your relationships?

By: JJ2

JJ2 — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 13:36:23 +0000

I have never felt “alone” in a relationship, until I had my recent one. NOW I know what that means. As long as things were going great for him, he didn’t think he had to do anything. NO effort. And even the “physical” stuff went out the window, even though he claimed he loved me. What was up with that?

By: Ursula504

Ursula504 — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:51:56 +0000

Amazing insight and wisdom NML!!! I’ve been on this site for a year now and have learned an awful lot but it’s still been extremely hard trying to shake my AC/EUM!! I am a thirty five yr old smart woman who has been caught up in feeling sorry for him to the point where it’s made me a basket case trying to keep him around! well ladies i have shut the man-boy down once again and this time he came with an engagement ring!! what a nut!! he has put me through hell and has been disrespectful, dubious, ambivalent, deceitful, and on and on.
it’s been almost two yrs of it and i wish i didn’t love him at all! he’s never had both feet in and when i would bitch about it he would pretend to be just to keep me around. I never actually caught him with anyone but there is a woman in NY that he’s been lying about the whole time! i found out he’s taking care of her financially and he expects me to be with him regardless!! I’m confused and tired! yet i’m wondering is this something i should deal with-

By: Le Chat Rouge

Le Chat Rouge — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 08:38:11 +0000

I really enjoyed this thoughtful post. While it leans towards romantic relationship advice I was able to apply it to a very longstanding friendship that has, of late, become extremely upsetting to me. This post was IMMENSELY helpful in making me realize I have been letting this friend slide while I did all the work quite literally as we are a writing/performing duo. I don’t feel better (it’s actually quite daunting and I know now the partnership will definitely have to end) but I know I will after reflecting on this and taking action versus being a victim. Thanks so much.

By: Brightside

Brightside — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 23:25:06 +0000

I’ve read many posts here, but this one really struck me. It struck me on two levels. The first, I once was the exception to the rule. A major exception to the rule. At the time, I read all the statistics and I thought, hmmm maybe, but HE will leave her for me and he did. Well, I am here to say becareful what you wish for because it might come true. Being that coveted exception has brought me over 10 years of misery. Not because he is an assclown, at least not the kind we discuss here, but because of all the baggage he brought along with him. It has been a living nightmare. The second, as I recover from my experience of being an exception, I have found myself wishing to be an exception again. Again!! Who am I kidding besides myself? Does lightening strike twice in the same place? Who wins the lottery twice? And yet, I cannot convince myself I will NOT be the exception this time. And I cannot make myself understand I probably don’t want to be based on past experience. Moreover, this new guy is an assclown in the truest sense of the word. I think that what I am trying to say is that I really understand how hard it is to shake this delusion despite all evidence to the contrary and even while having much experience in knowing all the glitters is not gold.

By: Tanya

Tanya — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 20:13:59 +0000

Yes it feels horrible….it makes me realize the importance of NC.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 14:00:16 +0000

Indeed! Trying to ‘sell’ the idea of yourself to someone is a futile experience!

By: NML

NML — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:58:59 +0000

@Peacefrog Whatever his problems are down to, the net result is that it’s not a healthy situation. You no doubt feel rejected by him because you wanted things to be different and to be the ‘exception’. In reality, you snatch back your power by realising that it was doomed and that it doesn’t work for you – rejecting his behaviour. You’re right – you haven’t lost anything in the wider sense because what you thought could be didn’t exist.
@Nicola I really feel for you and I hope that you are OK. These things are incredibly painful and it sounds like you got lost in your feelings. He is a prime example of why it is dangerous to be a fixer/healer/helper with someone who is an addict – there issues take precedence and if you want them in spite of their problems which existed long before you were there, when they deal with their problems, they associate you with the negative part of their life, the negative cycle. I think that instead of knee-jerking into anything else, grieve the loss of the relationship and understand why you felt the need to try to help an addict – what were you trying to heal within yourself etc. Don’t open yourself up to further pain by engaging further. Step back so you can get some perspective. Hugs x

By: NML

NML — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:52:05 +0000

“Then stop rowing and imagine what will happen, you may drift, you may drown, for sure you will not go forward, your partner is probably asleep or even worse has jumped out to be with someone else.” Brilliant. Many women think it’s ok to be the solo rower – it’s not. It speaks volumes about the other person and the type of relationship you have. It’s easy to think you’re doing it in the interests of the both of you but you end up alone – with or without them.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:50:03 +0000

@Michelle – No probs!
@Kay It’s true that they don’t realise that they’re a part of a soap opera! I often think if we let them know what we were *really* thinking, they’d back away quicker. In fact if we gave voice to a lot of the stuff rolling around in our heads, we’d soon gain a lot more perspective – lol!

By: NML

NML — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:47:55 +0000

As always you have an interesting and very valid perspective. But they certainly don’t share the motivations or the common goal – as you say, they have a different agenda. It’s about being real though instead of trying to force the person into cooperating with your agenda through resistance even though that agenda may not be something that is wanted. Likewise, it’s also about recognising that when you say the goal is X and the other says or clearly shows that their goal is Y, we have to stop trying to impose our agenda and realise that we’re not on the same page playing for the same team.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:43:22 +0000

@mE “no one should have to practically keep tapping a guy on the shoulder saying �excuse me�i�m a person deserving of your respect. hello�remember me?� the very moment you stay and try holding out hope for someone to love and respect you is the very moment you have assured these guys you hold neither of those things dear for yourself.” Amen! Don’t hate yourself – now you know what you will not put yourself through again because you know what it feels like and you know the net result.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:41:40 +0000

@Trinity Thank you and glad to help. Stay cool and stay real
@Katty Thank you! They’ll all no doubt speak to you in different ways.

By: NML

NML — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:40:18 +0000

@Brokenbutstrong You’re welcome
@Vanna Yep, it’s the same thing. We’re absorbing too much of someone else’s problems and absolving them of their responsibility and at the same time removing our own power

By: NML

NML — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:37:25 +0000

It is tough. The fact that you have felt alone whilst being in a relationship speaks volumes about him having at least a foot out the door. It’s true that when you know to expect that sometimes you’ll feel bad, it’s easier to deal with and it most definitely gets better.

By: RES

RES — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 23:27:04 +0000

Any man that I have to convince to be in a relationship with me; doesn’t belong with me. I will NEVER be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have TWO FEET IN! Excellent posts as always!