It can be a bit of a blindside when you switch from ambiguous, super relaxed and going with the flow, to having expectations of something that’s very much the opposite.The other party may be very content to be ambiguous and undefined – no pressure, no commitment, free to shift the goalposts and even duck responsibility.
Being mutually ambiguous is a breeze until one of you claims to want to settle on one meaning, one direction, and essentially expects commitment.
That’s what being ambiguous is all about – you could take one meaning from theirs (or your) actions and words, but you could equally take another or few. You always know that you’re in something ambiguous when:
- You invest a hell of a lot of energy analysing the crap out of the other person’s behaviour.
- You see at least two possible interpretations of something.
- You’re unwilling to go out on a limb and do the right thing for yourself by asking what the score is and gaining clarification.
- It’s on their terms; terms I might add that you’re unlikely to be in full agreement with.
- You go along with things with a view to gaining a greater reward for your ‘compliance’.
- You don’t say what you truly mean and try to buffer it out of fear of rejection or fear of letting go and then them spontaneously combusting into unambiguous with someone else.
- One of both of you hint but think you’re being direct.
- One or both of you claim that you’re upfront about what you want even though it was said once ages ago or actions directly contradict what was said.
- One or both of you cannot be pinned down to an outcome and a decision.
Here is exactly what being ambiguous in relationships actually means: you don’t know where you stand because a firm choice hasn’t been made, and in fact, other options haven’t been ruled out. It can be made all the more ambiguous if you actually do know where you stand but you keep creating another option because you don’t like the answer to where you’re standing. This is the fundamental reason why people remain in unhealthy relationships after being told what’s up – they stick their fingers in their ears and open up a second, third and even fourth door so that they can ‘stay in the game’.
These ambiguous situations may sound familiar:
Saying that you don’t want a relationship and are going with the flow but acting like someone in a relationship. This is because for many people who attempt to keep their options open and try to limit the risk of rejection, they believe that going with the flow should give the option of flowing to a relationship.
Being reluctant to say what you want and what you need even though you privately have quite clear ideas about what you want and need. It’s either that or you don’t know what you do want and need until you realise that there’s a distinct possibility of you not getting them. This actually gives the impression to the other party that what they’re offering up is an option.
Being in what is quite frankly a crap situation, knowing it’s crap but not actually calling a spade a spade, or calling it and saying “I’m not the kind of person that puts up with this”… only to continue putting up with it afterwards. For another person, being in something that detracts from them isn’t an option, but if you remain (and complain), it suggests that you actually haven’t ruled out staying in something poor and that you haven’t ruled out banking on your three-legged horse to run like a thoroughbred, hence no matter what you say and what you intend to mean, you’re open to interpretation.
Ever flipped a coin to help you make a decision? Well this is what participating in ambiguous relationships is like.
When you flip a coin, your reaction to whether you get heads or tails tells you where your heart really lies with the decision. I come across so many people in pain from ambiguous relationships because what they truly want is something unambiguous and mutually fulfilling but they don’t stand behind their needs, values, self-esteem and their conviction.
Let’s be real – most of us know what we’re truly cut out for, it’s just that we bullshit ourselves and say “I can handle it!” because it’s like selling ourselves in on a cheap deal and hoping to upgrade at a later date. We’re afraid that if we say “Er actually, this isn’t my sort of thing” or “I need to know where I stand, even if it leaves me standing outside of whatever this wishy-washy ‘thing’ is that we have going on” because many of us are conditioned to believe that asking for what you want or having boundaries is ‘bad’. It’s actually normal.
Yet here I am almost seven years into writing Baggage Reclaim and I can tell you that beyond a shadow of a doubt, the people most affected by unavailable relationships not working out are those who were looking to chill out for a bit in nothing serious. Next thing you know, 5, 10, 15 or even 30 years have gone by and they’re stuck in a pattern.
It’s not about saying “I want a relationship!” or laying out your life plan to every prospect, but it is about having a strong recognition of who you are, what you are and are not able for (boundaries) and where you want to end up relationship wise.
Recognising your ‘goal’ actually affects your mindset.
If you want to be in a mutually fulfilling healthy relationship, can you really afford to be asleep on the ‘job’ by going in with your eyes and ears closed, avoiding the discovery phase and taking lengthy periods of time to recover from relationships you claimed you were just ‘going with the flow’ about?
You don’t need to be open to interpretation; you need to be you, and you’ll find it a lot easier to be happy and to create good relationships, romantic and otherwise if you’re not ambiguous about who you are, and what you’re saying and doing.
Unambiguous people have actions and words that consistently match over an extended period of time meaning that it’s a lot easier to recognise someone who is a fly-by-night. If it’s ambiguous and you spend more time in your mind trying to work out what the frick is going on or cannot categorically say where you stand, happiness within a healthy relationship will elude you.
Never give someone the option of taking the p*ss by basically allowing them to have the option of treating you in a less than manner. One choice, unambiguous, and they either have to step up or step out.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Tori,
you didn’t know about his twitter account and you found this out. You are searching for him on the internet because you’re just curious or to get some answers to questions you’re scared to ask?
I think somebody who speaks publicly in that manner isn’t a drama free person. Why does he need to say this over twitter for anybody to see. Is there a need for attention through a ‘that one time in bandcamp’ style?
You say it’s all about him, is it about him and his (difficult?) history of some sort?
If you all ready feel like there isn’t enough room for you in a period of time when it should be all about you ànd him, watch out, it tends not to get better but worse.
I think you are right to be on guard. I would confront him about the twitter and ask what he ment with his tweets. Do not keep it in the back of your mind, it will only manifest lots of weeds in there. Let it out and proceed from which ever answer he gives you.
Natalie this article, as usual, is amazingly spot on. As some of you know, I was entangled in the worst of ambiguous, shameful, and painful situations, an OW, not to diminish any other form of ambiguous experience . Yup, you hit it out of the ball park: “Being mutually ambiguous is a breeze until one of you claims to want to settle on one meaning, one direction, and essentially expects commitment.” Phew, talk about disappear. It’s like smoke. I know FBG’s like me could have major issues with the online dating scene. I’ve read everything on this blog for the last year or so, copied everything into my journal regarding Natalie’s dating advice, spent the last year on men-o-pause, done a ton of work on me, got some self-esteem, albeit wobbly, and set firm boundaries, not wobbly. On Thursday, I signed up on an online dating site, Plenty of Fish. It’s been the most unambiguous weekend. I’ve got clear, firm boundaries and the guys have been so honest. I’ve flushed the ton of “how r u” responses. There has been several guys who have read my profile and responded directly. I went out last night with a nice guy (not my type) but it was like I wasn’t even there. I don’t worry if he’ll track me down, he forgot to even get my last name as he was so wrapped up in himself. Since he was so flush with doe, I let him pay. He committed every foe pa in the book, including talking about the crazy ex wife. I think I’ll just do drinks,, I never thought dinner would end. In the meantime, after a ton of flushing, I think there may be two authentic bites. We’ll see this week. On task, I’m clear and there’s been NO ambiguity, no texts. It’s moved from POF to meeting. No texts, no lengthy email threads. No expectations that this guy is the one. It’s really been quite different. The two guys who I have arranged to meet this week are NOT my type and have gone out of their way to assure that I am comfortable. Clearly, not my type. There hasn’t been the slightest drop of ambiguity on this online site. One guy admitted that he was only up for casual and I responded, good luck with that.
For Lilia and Sophie and for all 20-somethings, I got persistent responses from a 23 and a 27 year-old, which I blocked. Of course, it’s clear I’m 53. They were the most persistent and so cute. They claimed to only date women 40 to 50-something. It’s just…
Runnergirl
Aren´t those murky waters indeed! But you know, I´ve also noticed it´s an advantage when these guys are upfront about their intentions. I´ve been flushing a lot of those lame “how are you”, “hope you have a nice afternoon, beautiful” etc responses as well. I would´ve dated the younger cute guys some years ago (been there, it was not good) but now I don´t bother.
The ones that seem to be the nicest guys I wouldn´t have noticed in another setting, I´d have thought they were too nerdy and not my type at all.
I´m wondering if having these new boundaries, and using my head instead of my libido to date is making me change my usual tendency to EU relationships? It is a bit scary.
runner, lilia
You got me thinking, I think we need to reconsider our “type” and even if we should have a type.
The excrush/crush/whatever he is (this isn’t about me) was not my type. I did’t notice him for a LONG time. In fact, he told me this week that he would say hello to me and I’d just ignore him. I do remember looking at him ages ago and thinking BAD JEANS. Now, isn’t that a daft reason to write a man off?
Another man at church I wrote off for being too nerdy/geeky. As I’ve got to know him we’ve been getting on well and having a laugh. But of course now he’s got a girlfriend!
Ambiguity is undesirable but let’s not go too far in the other direction and try to rush things to a conclusion. It takes time to get to know someone. In my EU days, I skipped that and substituted drama, chemistry, sex. Now I don’t do that anymore, there’s time to breathe. Of course, it shouldn’t take FOREVER AND EVER (note to self) but there is no fire.
Incidentally, since you talk of age, I know a man with a full head of hair, really sexy voice and a lovely manner who is well into his 70s. Some/many people just don’t fit the age stereotypes. Age IS a factor, but if it was the overriding factor, none of us would be on BR. I’m sure we’ve all had relationships with men close to us in age and they still didn’t work out. Also, don’t assume that if he’s over 20/40/50/60/ whatever benchmark then he must be mature or if he’s under those ages he’s immature. The most longterm thinker I know is in his early 20s. He saved up the deposit to buy the house for him and his girlfriend and is building an extension for her so she can run a business from home.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t know the men of which you talk and it’s your right to judge it as you see fit. If it’s the House of Horrors – of course, move along!
Hey ladies,
You all got me thinking about clarity, ambiguity, types, and age as well as BAD JEANS (lol). GOOD JEANS have certainly gotten me nothing but grief. I’m thinking the things like appearance, professions, types, and age are less important than the shared common core values Natalie discusses. Of course, I’m really new at dating and online seemed so scary but it’s been really different than what I expected. I’m no way recommending the online thing as it could go south tomorrow and then I delete my profile.
I’ve been thinking about what changed over this past year and why it feels so clear and unambiguous. I think it’s me! Before I did the online thing, I hopped on to BR for hours and reread everything Natalie has written about dating. I could finally honestly answer the questions affirmatively after a year and change on BR, a ton of moisturizer, and some really dark times. When I was getting ready to go out, I ran through my BR check list: Self-esteem-check, self-respect-check, boundaries-check, flush handle-check, red-flag alert-check, trust in my judgment-check, reality-check, libido, chemistry,imagination, dreamer-uncheck . I forgot my lipstick though.
So this may be different because I’m different (since I’m the common denominator in my life) thanks to you all and Natalie. I have two dates this week and both guys have called to touch base and confirm. And only ONE text message, one guy wanted me to have his cell number. Both told me to call them anytime. I did call one back tonight at 9:00pm after class to confirm for tomorrow. He was happy I called and we chatted for an hour. Sheesh, so different, so clear. It’s so clear, I can’t believe how I existed in that fog of ambiguity and pain for so long. Natalie and all of you have made such tremendous difference in my life. I’m forever grateful.
For those going through the darkness of the early days of NC. STICK IT OUT. Do the work. Read BR three times a day and all Natalie’s books. I’m not done healing and a work in progress but there is a difference. Maybe it’s the moisturizer.
I just had the strangest experience with yet another internetdatingfreak, not sure what to make of it? He seemed pretty normal (divorced, 45 yo, looking for a commited relationship), asked for my cell phone the second time we chatted, which I thought was a good sign.
Then when he calls me the next day it´s like he´s scolding me. I asked politely who I was talking to because I didn´t recognise his number, and he said “sooo you give your number to anyone, then?”. We had been joking about going ice skating on our first date, he suggested we kiss if he beats me at a race, I thought we were just being cute, it wasn´t in a serious tone. But the next day, he tells me “oh so you´re such a fast skater, what was that all about, and racing me for kisses?”. As if I´m a complete slut.
Btw in my (south american) culture it´s quite normal to flirt in this manner, it doesn´t mean anything.
He also sounded much older than 45, I felt like I was talking to some dirty old man.
Just had to share this, ladies, though I wasn´t invested in him it was quite a shock to be treated like that… maybe I should just forget about dating? Sigh.
Hey Lilia,
I don’t know if you should just forget about dating. That, of course, is up to you and whether you can trust your judgment. In any event, perhaps what you experienced with this individual presented the first signs of ambiguity? I’d save his number under “Don’t Pick Up-Ambiguity Man Possible AC” and flush. What he said clearly isn’t about you. How could it be, he’s never met you.
Take this with a grain of salt since I’m no dating expert but I’m finding that “flush handle” very handy indeed. I just went out with a very nice and handsome guy who showed up with flowers. As the evening wore on, although he was nice, considerate, and handsome, he was a nutty as a fruitcake. That wasn’t ambiguous. I see how in the past I would have tried to minimize his nuttiness because he is a considerate and respectful nut job. Not now.
The guy you talked to seems mean spirited. It’s not about you. The guy I dated is a nut job. It’s not about me.
Flush and Next! My three dating essentials: My self-esteem, my boundaries, and the FLUSH HANDLE.
Lol! “nutty as a fruitcake”!!
You´re right, I´m flushing this moron. Another red flag is he lives with his mother, I´m thinking Norman Bates.
The good thing about this internet dating is there´s always a new one waiting in line, you don´t get the chance to feel these ACs are your only option… great for my self esteem!
@Ann
Yep, you hit it right on the head. Jerk teacher does equal jerk guy. These are caused by the same problem: inability or refusal to treat others with respect, inability or refusal to adhere to boundaries, be a responsible adult. This last year, my AC prof missed weeks of classes both semesters, felt he deserved a two week vacation when class was in session, blew off meetings that he had helped schedule, and hit on a colleague during a meeting. Why? Because he can. Great thoughts on flirting: yep, if these dudes give indications that they are attracted to you and do not mean it, they oughta be man enough to own up to their crap behavior and apologize. Women that do this are given a much less flattering name than flirt: prick tease.
Okay last chance saloon 20-30-40-50 something ladies…I just responded to another 30 something male. It is incredibly clear on my profile that I am 53 years old cos I am. I’m now a true believer that there is no such thing as the last chance saloon. How do I ditch these totally cute 20-30-40 somethings? And I’ve got the appropriate age range 50-somethings. Nothing whatsoever is ambiguous. I’m clear. 50 and up. So Fed Up and others, may I send you these darling 20-30 somethings? I didn’t expect these responses from such young guys. Sheesh are they cute.
runnergirl,
Go out with these young guys!!!
Runner
I’ve always said, even when I was young and stupid, that a 10 year age difference is irrelevant if you’re both adults.
I think you can go down to 40. I do know a few married couples where the woman is over 10 years older. It does need to be discussed, esp the children question. We also need to be careful of young men who see older women as “easier” and having less expectations – so watch out for those who will ONLY date older women. But aren’t there a gazillion young women who are being treated as though they have no relationship rights either? It’s something we could all stand to be clear about and not take for granted.
I get approached by men in ther 20s and 30s as well. I guess we shouldn’t complain. But I’m getting older and the men aren’t! And no, I’m not actively seeking out younger men. It was a bit of a shocker when I was in my early 40s and a 16yo started trying to flirt with me. YES I SHUT HIM DOWN.
Still, I’m the same age as Gong Li. And aren’t you the same age as Michelle Pfeiffer?
Hey Grace, HS and Tea Cozy,
It’s funny you mention Michelle Pfeiffer, that’s who many folks say I look like and we are the same age. I had to laugh cos you’ve never seen me and you drew that analogy out of cyber-space. Although the young guys still have hair and sport some cool jeans, my bottom line is 40-something. It’s a matter of life experience. I could retire in 3 years. No complaints from me either. I guess my take-away is, as usual, Natalie is spot on. There is no such thing as the last chance saloon.
HS and Tea Cozy, go gently with the online thing. Of course, Natalie is peeking over all of our back fences because she’s brilliant that way and I just serendipitously experienced a moment of clarity rather than ambiguity. It really is about boundaries and self-esteem which brings amazing clarity. Remember Natalie’s article about the flush handle? Swear to god, every time hit delete, I see that pic of the toilet with the flush handle. I’m going to my favorite hardware store and buy a flush handle to carry with me as I get my butt off the tired old Last Chance Saloon barstool…nice visual. Ladies, you are amazing.
Runnergirl, I am 40 and on POF too…I received few emails from guys 27-32, I refused to meet them as I think they are looking for experience with older ladies and NSA…Trying to rid of my “booty call relationship” at the moment, but still looking for the Right one:-) Good luck with dating, please keep us updating!
Atta girl, runner. There *are* guys out there. The first step is to get our butts off that tired old barstool at the Last Chance Saloon. I’m still holding off on re-upping my online profile till I get work settled, but I’m looking forward to it.
It sounds like you’re doing it right — setting boundaries, not getting waylaid by those young ‘uns, not dragging out the email/IM phase. Zero ambiguity. Good for you!
@Ann,
I agree that profs shouldn’t be left off the hook for flirting. These guys are purposely using their power status to play with women to stroke their egos. They suggest that they want future contact and then back off when you take them up on their offer. The same exact thing happened to me. Wondering where you are from, if it’s the same guy. After a few conversations/e mails, I blew him off. BubBye
Wondering what everyone thinks of ex ambiguous prof possibly stalking after NC.
I think, based on my experience, and the others I have read here that in general profs wouldn’t pursue stalking because they don’t need to as they can easily move on to someone else for attention and thrills. It depends what you mean by stalking though – I guess anyone can indulge in messed up behaviour depending on their history and you can’t really generalise. I smiled when I read you post about whether it was the same guy as Ann’s post. Again, from the experiences I’ve read here they are in every uni in every city in every country in the world because the environment allows that behaviour to thrive.
@runnergirl and Sofie, thank you for the comments…
Your above comment runnergirl made me “lol”..send em my way buddy!
I just get irritated because people seem to have this obsession with age and what I am supposed to look like for my age and where I am supposed to be in my life. It does make me nervous but having said that I am not going to waste my time (anymore) with unsuitable men. Already, I get called a MILF (wonderful thing to be called…if you have children)..or “you’re 27..but you’re still hot?”..well what am I supposed to be?? Ugly? There is sexiness to be found in all women regardless of age.
The majority of attention I do get appears to come from the 20-24 bracket. I went out with one of them last year…exceptionally immature (what else did I expect?)…future faking, fast forwarding…it hurt like hell and at the time I cursed him and thought of him as a devious sh*t just out to get laid…and perhaps he was that…but he’s not what I want. Or need.
The thing this year has brought me is that I am now comfortable being by myself and being myself. Yes, I do enjoy loading on the moisturizer (yummy smelling cocoa butter)..I have a passion for cooking..boxing (great aggression reliever)..reading..great wine…etc..last year my identity was so wrapped up in other people. I am more than happy to spend another doing what I have been doing…it just annoys me the pressure…I’d love to say that it doesn’t bother me but it does.
I wish I was back in my 20′s. I feel like dating was easier then, but maybe I am just forgetting. At 37, I feel it just get’s harder and harder the older I get. And, I look young. Most men think I am in my late 20′s or early 30′s. There was definitely more of a selection in my 20′s and I don’t remember being hit on by married men all the time the way I am now. And if they are not married, they are going through a divorce or divorced, broke and have tons of baggage while I have none.
I just came out of a relationship with an EUM who was going through a divorce. I realized it was going nowhere and pulled the plug. This also helped me to realize that my EU ways are behind me because I am actually disinterested in someone who is an EUM who I have liked for years.
Now, I went on a few days with a 42 year old who had never been married and he was the most boring person ever. If I didn’t speak, there were minutes of silence and I had zero attraction to him. I tried because he at least seemed mature. But come on, I need a personality of some sort. No compliments and no laughter after 3 dates? No way!
So, ever since my final date with him last week, I have been in a funk and missing my ex EUM. It’s so frustrating. I know he is no good for me for many different reasons, but I am so fed up with the singles scene.
I feel like is this what I am left with at this age? Is this what I have to settle for?
Sometimes I feel like I can’t win.
ex EUM-
no, take heart. its not all you’re left with.
as we get older, yes, things get more complicated, there is more baggage, nothing is as new and clean as it was 10 years ago. but you are not consigned to nowheresville choices between EUMs and boring dullards. no, you don’t have to settle. you just have to look a teeny bit harder, and maybe in new places.
i find that any transformation comes in stages. so if you’re no longer EU, and have reached the stage at which you really want to give of yourself, then maybe you just haven’t completed the next stage at which you really notice men who are EA and are also fun. look up, look around, they’re there. look up and see who’s looking at you.
and try mixing it up any way you can. try online (really tough), try new groups, try telling friends whose judgment you trust that you’re looking for a real relationship and see if they introduce you to anyone.
also, it doesn’t happen right away. you need to give the new way you’re putting yourself out in the world a chance.
don’t despair, don’t frowny face. let yourself feel like this for a short bit, then dust yourself off and make yourself giggle.
cc
Your words are encouraging but I would go further. I think we CAN be new and we can be baggage free. I was gnashing my teeth wishing I’d met the excrush when I was ten years younger. But then I realised, ten years ago I was a nut job and he would have either run a mile or I would have been chasing some AC around the place.
So, while the age gap and my divorce may very well scupper us (we haven’t discussed it yet), I can honestly say I am in way better shape than I was ten, twenty years ago. I’m not as beautiful as I was on the outside but on the inside, I scrubbed up well!
All that childhood trauma, the marriage, the abusive relationship – I am over it (pretty much). All that’s left of it is a sensitive heart.
In the words of Revelation:
“Behold, I am making everything new”
grace-
yep, that’s it!! the only difference between where you are and where ex EUM is is that you *know* that you’re all brandy new, you know you’re transformed. and guess how one gets from one to the other? *more* time.
i feel the same way, at least most of the time. i’ve processed the past, and my butt isn’t as tight as it once was, and i need a hell of a lot more sleep than i used to, but in my heart and my spirit? i’m bouncy! i didn’t really feel this way when i was 20 or 30.
ex-EUM-
grace has it. we all need to be philosophical and forgiving about whatever has happened in our pasts. i really hate the expression “we wouldn’t be who we are today if it weren’t for that”, but its true. don’t deny or regret your experience, and don’t blame yourself.
really, truly believe in yourself.
I think it’s a pretty common phenomena for women to feel all lusty about their exes after a potential prospect falls through. I felt like this the other week…a gorgeous man I’ve been into for a while was showing interest and as soon as a reciprocated he backed off. Another thing..sexual innuendos during our Facebook chats…red flag(s)!!!
Anyhow after all of that, I began thinking about my ex..there one where there wasn’t even a real goodbye..and I KNOW I would not be thinking of him if someone worthy came along..and I sure as hell wasn’t thinking of him during those dubious Facebook chats with handsome dude.
So it is normal what you are experiencing Ex EUM Lover..certainly from my perspective and I’m sure many of the other women here.
At 27, 37, at 47, at 57 I believe there is always a chance at love. I just get miffed because everyone makes such a big deal out of the fact that I am alone…but I ain’t a desperado and won’t settle just for the sake of a warm bed at night. I’d rather a hot water bottle.
All,
Thanks for your kind words. I feel so grateful having found this site after my break up. I never realized the reasons my relationships never worked out was because I always picked men who were EU. I was the classic Florence Nightingale type, but I recognized that years ago and stopped. 10 years ago I would have still stuck it out with my most recent EUM hoping he would change once his divorce was final. This time around, I realized he was putting me on a roller coaster of emotions and got out when I heard certain red flags from him like “I am a train wreck”, “I think you will get sick of my nonsense soon”, “I’m not ready to grow up”, “I have to discuss my drinking with my therapist.” He was also a cheater all through his marriage with various women and comes for a family of cheaters. Classic EUM and I did recognize the red flags and didn’t delude myself which made me realize I had done a lot of growing since the first time we were together 5 years ago. For that, I am proud!
Thank you for all your advice. I will get back to that happy place I was in before he popped back into my life last fall. And I know there are men out there and I need to be patient. And I never settle. I have so many friends who do and I think they are crazy.
BTW, I have tried the on-line thing a few times and got nothing out of it except a lot of meaningless dates. It felt inauthentic to me and I feel those sites breed serial dating. It’s funny….I still get emails from Match and I see so many familiar faces that are still on there from years ago. I honestly think on line dating has messed people up even more.
Anybody have any other tips on where to meet people aside form bars and on line?
I will go about my business and hope for the best. And I hope the best for all for all of you as well!
“The thing this year has brought me is that I am now comfortable being by myself and being myself. ”
Suzy, that is so great. I didn’t come to that until much later in life, so I applaud you for finding it in your 20s. It’s a powerful position to be in — you save yourself a lot of heartache by not feeling like you “have to” be in a relationship all the time.
I remember getting lots of those annoying comments about age and what I should/shouldn’t be doing, right around my late 20s. It seemed like EVERYONE had an opinion. “Oh, you’re 27, but you don’t have any kids? Oh, you’re 28, but you’re not married?” Jeez. I actually think that time of life can be a bit chaotic, dating-wise, since people are often in an awkward phase between college and getting really settled in as grown-ups. Talk about ambiguity!
And boxing is fantastic! I do a martial art too, and hitting and kicking the boxing dummy is so cathartic. Cheers.
I haven’t had the chance to read through all the comments, so apologies if doubling-up, but you know what one of the worst parts about being in an ambiguous, powerless relationship is that that day-to-day pain, which is bad enough (those internal jabs that tell you something is off, that you’re not being heard and that you’re in danger) is the complete gut-bonanza-awfulness of having to unpack that ambiguity when it’s all over. I say with the most confidence one can have) I will never put myself in an ambiguous relationship again (which in my case started on the same page, but progressed very quickly to one person – the AC – creating a situation of intense uncertainty and mixed signals – from engagement rings to angry outbursts). It’s simply not worth it. In my two relationships since the AC (second still happily going), you know what I have done to do my bit for relationship clarity: I have been upfront about looking for a relationship, but I have not then poured all my attention and love into one person. I have given myself (and him) the time and opportunity to let it grow naturally. The first ended for good, mutual reasons, after we both recognised that we could not make each other happiness. This meant about a week’s worth of discomfort and sadness when it ended. Truly, ambiguity = dishonest with yourself (whether it’s because you want to hide, escape, be right, borrow from someone else’s glory) = gap between self and reality = awful, awful pain.
meant ‘besides that day-to-day pain’!
Runnergirl- Really no way! I got rejected recently by a 35 year old as a 10 year age difference was too much apparently. I disagreed. Yet the guy didn’t mind inviting me to his bedroom, all we did was make out. Yet that was ok?! mixed messages a plenty. I was disappointed we got on so well. I haven’t heard from him again.
Just my two cents, but I would be very cautious with younger men courting older women, especially when the age differences is more than a few years. Not that all are dishonest, but many of them look for more experienced women for a bit of fun, for their capacity of nurturing (shoulder to cry on and ego stroke) and quite a few for a meal ticket. Protect your financial assets and make sure they pay their fair share. Make also sure you wont invest more time and energy than is healthy. I had this relationship with a grad student at a time when I was established in my career and when I made it clear I was not working my butt off so that he could spend all his cash on weed and party, our relationship quickly fell apart. As well, when I volunteered at a mental health forum, I was constantly hit on by guys in their 20s who were on the look to secure attention supply and if possible, a bit of fun on the side. I know this might be hard to stomach, but in my experience, very few have the maturity to assess the full package of a woman (inner and outer beauty): the perky boobs will win the day 9 times out of 10. I had one in particular who pursued me online for months, even if I was married and clearly not available, only to admit, once called on his game, that what he was looking for was a “mentor”, in other words, a free life coach. Even after I told him that I was not doing any kind of support anymore, he kept trying to contact me to get his fill of moral support and advices. At first, it can be quite flattering to get so much attention from them, but it can be a rude awakening to realize that they are in it for their very own selfish needs. Some of them can be quite the Florence Nightingale honeypot. And its unlikely they are ready to settle and see you as “The One”.
Well, my BF of 7 mths that I have been going back n forth with, broken up a few times has finally told me that he has fallen in love with me and is starting to express more feeling and feeling language that I have needed. Now, I’m the one who is not sure and haven’t told him that I love him, becasue I’m not sure.
I recently got together with my ex before this one and it was like no time has passed, I really loved being with him and do click, however, he was an accclown when we were together and EU and tried to tell me that I was the problem with us cause I trigger men to the core. I took this on until someone said he’s blaming me. Seeing him again has been a bit confusing, especailly when I compare the current bf with him and how I felt around him. I want to give the current bf a chance and I am afraid, what if he’s not the right one? Why do I feel more excited about being with my ex? Is that my dysfunction acting out? Maybe, I just need time.
chloe
Can you see what is going on here. I want you when you don’t want me, but when you want me, I don’t want you. This is classic EU. I know. I did it for years. In fact, I tried to do it recently but opted out of the drama. You want the dynamic more than you want a healthy relationship.
I think what you need is time out from men completely. I don’t think you’re being fair to the new boyfriend but if you want to make it work with him then NC the ex.
The acid test is this – would you want your boyfriend to be seeing his ex and comparing her to your, however favourably?
And it’s not about jumping from man to man looking for the right one. It’s much more about BEING the right one, being that authentic, happy person, who knows their value and their worth, who is willing to risk vulnerability (but not in a mad way) and love and be loved. Who will put themselves on the line and not dramatise it in their own heads and then expect the other party to fix this drama they know nothing about (cos you know, it’s not real).
Break up with them both, or NC the ex, or – if you must – go back to the ex. Whatever you do, you can’t have them both while you make your mind up. Isn’t that what we all complain about? Being the option. Unfortunately, though, when we try to turn the tables and be the option holder – we STILL get the raw end of the deal. These jacked up situations might work out well for other people, they don’t for us. We want the real thing but to date we’ve been crap at getting it. Time to change that.
Thanks Grace, I am well aware that I can’t have both, and I don’t want to go back to ex, I think our meeting was more like a nice closure, since we did end badly. I am unsure of the current bf because of everything we went through and I don’t know if he’s the one. Anyways, I know it looks like I am being EU, and maybe I am, but I’m not sure that is it, I may be genuinely concerned about a future with this man, but I guess I’m willing to take the time to find out, inspite of my fears.
Please help me get a better perspective! Is anyone willing to read the following email I sent? I don’t want to give any details or context just yet – I’m really curious to see what you read into it (and if it’s a reasonable email or a crazy email – like I said I’m just completely lacking perspective right now!)…..
So… Once again, last night I was having a hard time with my words…. I’m sorry. My mind was a little overactive. There was a lot kicking around in my brain and I was trying to filter the most relevant bits. I always aim for clarity, but sometimes I land in confusion. However, I think you answered all the questions I had of you, and I think I was finally able to answer the main question I’ve been grappling over myself – do I need more from you than you are able to give right now? The answer is no. I truly don’t want to force anything. Above all else, what I want is your greatest good. I don’t like ultimatums. I hope you know that when I told you I would not be content to simply be your friend, it was not an ultimatum. I was not saying, get on board or you’ll lose me. What I meant was should you ever tell me that there is no possibility of our relationship moving forward, that in fact you don’t want to be with me, then it would be too painful to be “just friends.” If that occurred, I would need space to get over you. But the thing is you seem to want to continue to see me as much as I want to continue to see you. I think you do want to be with me and there is a possibility of things moving forward with us. We’re not merely attracted to each other; moreover, I think we’re a good fit. You simply can’t commit yourself to being in a serious relationship right now because you need to sort some things out – emotionally, spiritually. Believe me, I get it. I don’t think that’s a cop out. I want you to have whatever you need to get back on track. I don’t want to ask more of you than you are able to give. You said that my afore mentioned comment set up a kind of baseline that you proceeded to try to figure out how to meet, but I really don’t want you to see it that way. I don’t want you to feel compelled to meet some kind of minimum. I want you to give, in your freedom, whatever you are able to give. And what you have been able to give – your time, support, affection, encouragement, and your care – has been great. It’s been enough. Though, if I’m…
Got cut off! Here’s the rest of it:
…Though, if I’m being completely honest, I would like to see you more. Let’s talk about this soon okay? Maybe you don’t have more time to give, also there’s something that’s been a little frustrating to me, but we’ll talk.
That’s it. Please, your thoughts?
Lily
I think most men would prefer to be kicked repeatedly in the head than have this “talk” to which you refer. But let me know if I’m wrong.
I’m confused, Lily, is this your email to a man you are friends with, or is this his email to you? If it’s his email to you, then I like him, a lot! But, if it’s your email to him, not so sure…..he sounds like an EUM and maybe you are giving away too much. Stop being friends, or start going on dates that as a friend you can share with him so that he can start viewing you in that way…. as someone’s date, I know it’s easier said then done, but worth it. Do you think he wants more?
ok, got it, it’s your email….no don’t send it, that’s my advice.
Lily
Consider NC-ing him. He has ALL THE POWER. Maybe he took it, maybe you gave it to him, but you’ve got nothing worthwhile here.
It is a very confused and ambiguous email and it’s not going to get you a response you’ll be satisfied with. But don’t blame yourself, nothing will “work”. There is no killer text, email or even face-to-face conversation that will win you the bingo moment you seek:
Here’s a verse from a poem, excuse me if I misquote:
And so I replace the jewel in the tray
And laughingly pretend I’m far too poor
For nothing I give, nothing I do or say
Nothing I am
Will make you love me more.
You are matyring yourself to this man and he. does. not. deserve. it. I know that because a) no mere mortal deserves this level of adoration (not to self) and b) anyone who had a heart would cut this off for your own good.
When you are in a worthwhile friendship or relationship with someone you’re allowed to be crabby, sarcastic, tired, funny, bitchy, kind, contrary, loving, dependent at times. You’re allowed to have expectations, ask for favours, get angry if you’re let down. . As soon as you find yourself ditching all rights to be some kind of ever-understanding Mother Theresa/Florence: “I don’t want to force anything, I want your greatest good, we’re a good fit, you’re this or that (insert excuses), I want you to have what you need” – it’s time to exit.
Since you ask how this reads, I’ll give it to you straight: You sound like you’ve turned yourself into his doormat. And, no, the answer isn’t to stand up to him, or be nicer, or be less nice, it’s to free yourself from this extremely unhealthy dynamic. You can’t win this. Walk away and free yourself.
Thank you Grace!
He and I never did “talk” about our relationship after I sent this email back in Feb. and I’m embarrassed how long it took me to get a clue. He and I used to see each other once a week, but after this email it went down to every 2, then three, and now only once a month. I sensed him distancing himself and I scaled back too, kept casual but friendly. It wasn’t til he disappointed me in a major way (declining amazing concert tickets for his birthday – because he just HAD to work) at the end of April that I decided I needed to really go NC. I thought I should at least send him a simple Happy Birthday text on his bday, but then wash my hands of him, because well, I had TOTALLY made myself a doormat, so my hands were tied anyway. However, and I’m now thinking this was a mistake, I thought that the one line I could extend without further compromising my dignity and self-respect was to simply let him know (frank, heads-up text) when my band has a gig (I’m a singer). It’s gone down twice now where I sent the text, didn’t get a response, didn’t expect him to come, but HE CAME! ……I don’t know why he comes. He clearly has feelings for me, and says he’s glad he came….. but it’s keeping me hanging by a thread, and breaking my heart afresh each time I see him. And it gets my wheels turning as to what I should do/say, wondering what he thinks of all this… today I was even wondering if maybe he took the above email as a break-up email (!) and that’s why he pulled back and is just waiting for a sign that I’m still interested….. but that’s crazy right?
I know I can’t bring up our “relationship” – or can I? Do I need to stop letting him know about my gigs and truly, finally go NC?
Lily,
I would go NC with this guy. He is not putting forth much effort. You are better than his crumbs. Even though he shows up to your gigs, it’s not enough. Don’t waste any more of your time analyzing. Find someone that purses you and makes you feel good. In my experience, relationships that work flow naturally. Let the next guy work for you. You are the prize.
Lily, your email wouldn’t be taken as a break-up email. What I take from it is that it’s clear you are very invested, and you are saying you will take anything he has to offer and will demand nothing from him. He has taken you up on this deal, but that does NOT make it ok on his part.
I think any decent person would step away and go NC after that message if he didn’t want to commit, and would in any case RESPOND (common courtesy, what you do for friends who are anxious, be it a response with anger, regret, confusion or whatever), rather than scaling back and carrying on the ambiguity. The exact same thing happened to me for too long. Letters and emails ignored.
We all know instinctively that NC is the only way when you can’t give someone what they want and you have got close to them and ‘care’, we thank them for it in hindsight, but somehow this type of man breaks that rule, normalises unacceptable behaviour, and keeps a toe in. It shows a serious lack of empathy (I call it heartless). That’s who he is.
Lily
This my take on it – he turned down the birthday tickets because it was too much of a statement. If you go to a concert with a woman on your birthday – wow, SHE COULD BE PERCEIVED AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND. OMG!!
Turning up for gigs as and when he feels like it , without confirming whether he”ll be there, is … teeny tiny crumbs.
Beyonce sings “if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.”
Well, I say “If you like it then you could put a date, a time and a venue on it.” And, yes, I’m wrestling with this myself.
He didn’t take the above email as a break up email. Whatever its ambiguity, it’s clearly from a woman wanting more from a man than he cares to give, while still holding out the friend card in a pitiful (I don’t mean that in a sarky way) attempt to get some crumbs from him.
I feel sorry for you. Feel sorry for yourself and nuke him! All these gigs you go to – you’re bound to meet someone else once you’re in a better frame of mind and not tying yourself in knots trying to pretend something is happening when it’s not.
Lily,
Here’s what I notice about this situation:
He isn’t ASKING YOU when your gigs are. He isn’t seeking YOU out to tell you how he feels and what he thinks. He isn’t asking YOU what you think and feel.
If he shows up to your gig, it’s probably because it’s convenient for him and a nice ego stroke to know the singer. Of course he isn’t going to tell you he’s coming, because he wants to do things entirely on HIS terms!
It keeps you guessing, your mind on him, while he has absolutely NO investment in the *cough* “relationship” or “friendship”. He may have genunine feelings for you, but feelings do not a relationship make.
You don’t have a “relationship” and you know it, hence your use of quotes. There is nothing to bring up.
The birthday text reminds me of Nat’s post:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dealing-with-happy-birthdays-and-big-occasions-to-send-a-card-or-text-or-not-to-send/
and the photo at the top which says, “Happy Birthday to you…anyway…I hope this gets you to remember/notice me.” It reeks of desperation, and to quote the above article, “You are using an occasion no matter how flimsy, to send a white flag or more than likely a “Hey! Look at me I’m still here!” or “Surely you can’t dare to ignore me now that I’ve sent you this card/message and will have to contact me now?” or basically “I still want your arse!”
Let this guy go and open up some space in your mind and your life for someone who actually wants something mutual with you. Someone available won’t confuse you, he will let you feel confident and secure in the relationship and let trust and communication grow.
You need to start seeing men like dogs or horses, not teddy bears. Only then will things start to make sense. For instance, when you have a dog, do you let him do whatever he wants or do you train him, let him know who´s boss and what the rules are?
Exactly.
Otherwise you´ll end up eaten by the animal, or kicked in the stomach if it´s a horse (not sure if you have experience with horses, but it´s the same principle).
So this means, first of all teach him to respect you – don´t ever send him any email/im/whatever again, unless it´s in reply to something he sent you.
Don´t bring the relationship up again, just act cheerful around him, don´t give him the droopy martyr eyes.
Then, if he ever tries to get close to you again (which he most probably will), hopefully you´ll have enough self esteem back not to accept any of the BS.
Sorry if I´m being harsh, but for your own sake you need to cut the doormat mentality! And don´t ever send a guy a long email, they´re just not good with words, only actions convince them (actions like seeing you going NC on them).
Grace that just made me cry because it is the truth and it is so hard to face. Thank you
Thank you so much everyone! Each one of you is absolutely right – I guess I already know the truth, I know better, it’s just hard – so it was good to hear y’all put it in your own eloquent words
I think I’m beginning to figure out my part in all this though… I read on this site that “unavailable people tend to get involved with unavailable people” – I’m afraid this is true. I’ve been just as emotionally unavailable and guarded as he has been. I see that I’d rather try to support and fill someone else’s needs than open up and expose my own needs, desires and vulnerability.
I need to learn to teach men to respect me – I do the opposite of this by being too agreeable and overly doting (classic Florence Nightingale). I guess I do this because I’m looking for emotional fulfillment outside of myself. I did not teach this guy to respect me, I taught him to disrespect me, that it’s ok. But it’s NOT OK! I need to stop trying to collect crumbs! Fortunately I’ve stopped giving myself away, unfortunately not before he started to lose respect for me. I’m so embarrassed. So, now, holding my tail between my legs I just need to move on with what I’ve learned and start to heal so I can feel like a whole person on my own again.
Lily etc.,
I’m turning up a bit late on this thread but it strikes a chord with me… I agree with everything that’s been said already (Grace is spot on, as usual!). I too feel sympathy for you Lily, cos I know exactly where you’re at. I used to send these kind of emails to my ex EUM in the early days of the relationshit. He never bothered his arse with any of my emails pouring out my heart to him. I complained that he never bothered his arse about anything I had to “say” to him and he never bothered his arse about that either. We (or I) continued in an on and off crappy situation, such as the one you speak of, for the best part of a decade. I now haven’t seen him in over a year and I’m still waiting (not) to have the “talk”!
Mainly though, what I want to say is what the hell is wrong with ultimatums anyway? He’s either in or he’s out. And same for us. We are either in or we are out. These guys who would string you along with their ‘ambiguous’ (it’s not really ambiguous) behaviour need to be told this: You’re either in you’re out. Not next week, not next month, not next year, not next effing decade – right here right now – in or out? Thing is though, that with these guys like yours and mine, Lily, we already know the answer to that, so we need to pay attention and we need to apply the same ultimatum to ourselves – and get the hell out (cos he’s laid his “out” card already, quite a number of times? Why don’t you/we see it yet? That’s the problem, so the problem is not what you think it is!). Get away from this guy. Don’t tell him when your gigs are. Ignore him. There are better men out there!
@Fearless – Seriously! I have been in an “ambiguous” relationship for nearly 8 months now (with 6 months of non-ambiguity to start). Why is it that if a guy says he’s in – and then moves to ambiguity – he then calls me “demanding” for expecting him to be in or out?!? As Elle stated: one of the worst parts about being in an ambiguous, powerless relationship is that day-to-day pain. I am daily in pain because I have NO SAY WHATSOEVER (realizing I can opt out but meaning no say in the relationship). And it always seems that they wait until I am 100% completely invested because they have shown the same, that they then blow cold and can’t understand why I am emotional all the time.
It is so extremely hurtful to never know when I will see him again, when he might have time to schedule me in, or when he will even call, or what on earth he is doing when he isn’t with me. And somehow through all this I am expected to be happy and cheerful (yes, that’s what he tells me) until he can clear his mind and decide if he “can’t live without me” (his words again). He has stated he wants to start over and rebuilt our relationship in order to figure out if this could potentially work. Why?!? How?!?! This hurts me deeply.
I feel like a fool that I would miss someone and desire to spend more time with a person who can’t even decide if he misses me enough on a daily basis to want to be with me. I honestly don’t want to be the type of woman who is willing to put up with this type of behavior. But here I am, putting up with it. All in the hopes that he might actually decide he wants to be with me. And afraid that if I do walk away, he will never come after me.
And why is it I am questioning wether it is ok for me to tell someone they need to decide if they are in this or not. Does that make me demanding like he says? Or is this a reasonable?
lillian, i was in an ambiguous relationship for 2 years…. i also thought that i would be ‘demanding’ if i questioned it, so i kept silent. wrong move!! .but you’ve been with this guy for 8 months!!! and thats plenty of time on his behalf to make a decision about you!!!
“”it is so extremely hurtful to never know when I will see him again, when he might have time to schedule me in, or when he will even call, or what on earth he is doing when he isn’t with me.”"
lillian , i was in the exact same position. him rostering me on after dinner, after he saw his friends, after his party, ..it was always after after after…
you dont see it now, but you need a complete break from this relationship to get rid of the toxicity of it…now, my mr EUM hasn’t contacted me for months and i did break apart for a while, but im actually ok now…i was crying and crying and losing weight upon a few days ago when i heard he was in another relationship via facebook….didnt even bother ending it with me.. and i was desperately in love with him….i would drop anything to see him when he ‘schedualed’ me in…
its soo wrong wrong wrong lillian…now, i feel healthy in many ways….i feel i have boundaries and in order to get boundaries, you need to distance yourself from him otherwise you’re going to keep being caught in it all… each time i saw him, it was like “ok, im going to have boundaries and i kept being seduced every time”.for me, the sex kept me still tied to him..its complete madness and i didnt realise it then, but now i do…
i say, you need to have a real serious conversation with him….let him know your feelings and dont be persuaded by him.. if he wants you, he’ll be with you and he’ll work it out with you
Lilian
I did this for ten years:
“… And afraid that if I do walk away, he will never come after me.”
Eventually I realised I had to confront this fear (the alternative had become unthinkable; finally what was left of my pride kicked in and I found BR. (I wanted to conquer this fear, to be fearless, hence my user name!) I walked away. He never came after me. The result is that I am not afraid anymore! I have no regrets (other than not walking away much sooner!)
I know that if I hadn’t faced and walked I’d still be hanging around in the wings of his life waiting to be valued enough for him to commit to me. He wasn’t going to do that – ever – and finally that reality had sunk in and I knew I had to face it or lose myself in doormat status for good.
You are obviously not at the point where the balance has tipped. You want to make good on your investment. But it’s a very bad investment, and the more/longer you invest in a situation that is not paying off the less value you place on yourself and the less value he places on you (he knows that a woman who thought more of herself would expect and go find a better relationship – she would have flushed him already!), so you are putting in a lot of effort for the reverse effect that you imagine you are gaining. For every day that you accept ‘less than’ from him is just another day that you re-affirm to him that you are worth less… and less… and less… You are engaged in a self-defeating exercise.
Get the focus off what he wants/thinks and start putting it on to what YOU want/think. He doesn’t get to decide if you’re being silly/emotional/demanding. YOU deserve a relationship based on care, trust, respect and love. He’s not got that for you, so walk! If you stick around, you are communicating a very powerful message to him (and yourself!) that this is all you are worth. Is it all you are worth? I don’t think so and neither should you. I don’t care what he thinks (and neither should you).
I think I know if I walk away he WON’T come after me and the pain that will accompany that action scares me. Although staying in this for any longer and missing out on opportunities on finding a relationship I do deserve also scares me. I feel like I am in limbo right now holding onto hope that we will work out and he will make right on all his promises and commitments. The rational side of me sees this for what it is and knows that I deserve more (and he doesn’t deserve all that I give). The emotional side seems to take over and wants to keep proving to him that I am everything he told me he wanted – and everything he ever wanted was me.
I know I will get sick and tired of being sick of tired of this situation (soon) and I will find the strength and courage to move on. This community has been a great tipping point to my state of mind and self assurance. Thanks for your support and words of encouragement.
Lily, I know a lot about being a doormat, its hard to learn how to respect yourself first but that’s where it all starts to build from. Natalie mentions love care trust and respect-treat yourself to those first, then look for that in your next relationship. It has to come from you to make it stick. Its been a hard lesson, I’m 48 and still learning it. I recently ended a relationship with an EU man. I keep slipping back but I know that I’m worth more. I don’t need the drama, the questionable behavior, the feeling like I am not appreciated, just for a little bit of his time. Make it hard to contact him-delete his numbers, emails, pack away all reminders of him you may have, and every day it gets a little easier. This morning I finally woke up without having him on my mind first thing, a small victory, but there’s a whole lot of opportunities ahead. I don’t want to waste any more time on something that isn’t going anywhere for me any more. Look inside, learn what works for you and don’t let anyone make you give up your goals without good cause or compromise you can live with. Forgive yourself, you’re still learning, sometimes we learn through our mistakes and that’s ok.
I used to spend a LOT of time trying to read my partner’s mind. I have been in a few ambiguous relationships and you just described what I was doing to a T.
A friend directed me to your blog and I am now in the best relationship of my life.
Shortly into the relationship, I realized that I no longer spend my time searching his eyes and trying to read his mind. I know exactly what is going on and where I stand!! It’s wonderful and I am finally really happy. I’m not just telling myself that I’m happy anymore, I’m not just settling for what I can get (crumbs), I have finally found my Mr. Right.
Im buying this book!
Hi Natalie I have just read – The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship.
Well boy did I see myself, classic dreamer. Reality started to emerge 2 years ago and I settled in to watch the moves of my then crush. The 2 years before that I was deep in lust, want, desire and future dreaming mode. This man back then was in my mind the whole package if anything I was the person who needed to fix up. My interest begun 5 years after the death of my sister and during the time my father was ill then died. Now I can see that I needed something/one to hold on to only there was never any committment, clarity from the start and whilst I initiated events in truth I was aware that I was not in a healthy place so whilst I dreamed and desired I too was never really committed (fear and a 6 sense that something did not feel right but was nonetheless familiar). In the last 2 years I really started to wake up to my own emotional unavailability and thus became increasingly more open which resulted in my becoming clear that he was not for me. As I smothered myself in self love balm I uncovered that what I thought was confidence is in fact arrogance (he did tell me that but I failed to listen), the laid back approach is pure laziness, the he’s just shy manifest into playa, poor me, i’m sick so nurse me and I’ll just sit here until my needs get met. For a time I was very angry believing I had been duped. Truth is I created the fantasy and was now having to deal with the real person my beliefs, values and patterns. Having been the fall back girl for sometime I was not surprised that he move into yet another relationship. He had hoped that I would compete for his affections so played the arse in front of the new girl I did not play which surprised him as the old me would have. New me saw it coming and while my ego was annoyed for a while I am glad I was rejected as he connected best with the wounded, angry, scarastic, don’t do conflict, doubting, people pleasing me. I have been clear in the last 2 years about what I want in a relationship and who I choose to be. Like really did attract like, we no longer connect. I was sad at first until I understood why. I now let go of the Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and am fallback girl no more.