When I listen to people explain their frustrations with dating or how they’re feeling rejected after a possible date didn’t materialise, or not getting past a date or few with someone, what I realise is some of us are waiting to be chosen.
In these situations, the dynamic is imbalanced from the outset because you’re putting your fate into someone else’s hands, because you assume that if they choose you that it’s something you want to be in, and on the flipside you assume that if you’re not chosen that it must definitely have been a relationship you should have had.
The trouble with all of this is you’re not showing up as someone who is holding their own and owning their right to choose and go through the discovery phase of dating. Instead, you’re taking a more passive role where you’re happy to be the passenger on whatever journey the driver takes you on, just as long as they take you on a journey and keep driving. If ‘chosen’ for their journey, you may be happy to make their agenda your agenda, or you’ll privately decide that when you’ve got your feet well and truly under the proverbial table, that you’ll be so valued and loved, that they’ll be willing to change.
In effect, it’s like handing over a Choose Me Stick – when someone is in possession of it, they have the power to choose you, validate you, and even shape you.
Why? Because when you’re not showing up to your dates and relationships as an equal party with their eyes and ears open with the right to choose, the only choice you have is to subconsciously and possibly even consciously adapt your behaviour to increase the chances of being chosen.
Think about it: While it’s very possible that initially you might be yourself, as soon as you start to feel like they’re ‘pulling away’, or you’ve already stuck your pump on them and started inflating who they are so that you can think that they’re way more special than they actually are while they look down on you from that pedestal. If what’s on your mind is to be chosen, then you’re going to reflect that in your behaviour which essentially boils down to being and doing things that contradict your values to hold onto someone you haven’t positively chosen, at all costs.
Whatever it is, you change, morph, adapt, twist, and contort to be chosen. You also go into a holding pattern circling over the possibility of the relationship that you want, hoping that air traffic control will give you the signal that you can land and take up your slot.
Waiting for someone to make you a priority, to proceed to a relationship, to not breakup, to leave a different partner, or whatever it is that you’re waiting to be chosen for, just de-prioritises you. If you prioritised you, you’d never be in a situation where someone not only has the power to decide your fate, but to leave a crater sized hole in your life, because by handing out so much power, you’re bound to feel very rejected when it all goes tits up.
When you’re not co-choosing in a mutually beneficial relationship, it all becomes about one person working harder than the other, which by default assigns greater ‘value’ – they’re just not that special.
You may go for the easy, low-hanging fruit option and choose people that you perceive as being more likely to be with you. It could be that you recognise certain things that would register as issues to avoid with someone else, but you see it as an opportunity. Of course, when it doesn’t pan out, it’s like “I can’t believe someone like them doesn’t want me – what’s wrong with me?”
Or you’ll choose a challenge in the form of someone who you think is unlikely to choose you, which may be simply based on the fact that you’d have to convince them to make you the exception to their rule of being unavailable.
Waiting to be chosen is a bit like how some people go about job hunting – they put so much energy into being the right person for the job, it’s assumed that it’s the right job for them. Interview processes do actually involve you evaluating whether it’s the right job for you, which will arise from the questions you ask and what you glean during the interview process plus any other research you do. Instead they get the job offer and then start evaluating whether it’s actually the right opportunity for them. If they don’t get the job, some take it as a huge blow of rejection.
Of course it’s not as great an issue with your job hunting unless you end up miserable in a job that you knew wasn’t right for you but felt compelled to take it because you were asked, or you feel blah about your career, or you end up floating around getting job offers but never staying in a job for any decent length of time and always have a foot out the door…
With dating and relationships, once you start dipping into the Illusions Account, the High Growth Sexual Activity Fund and start planning a future around this idea of what it’ll be like to be The Chosen One, you can see why you will struggle to deal with rejection.
We don’t spend enough time asking if it’s the right job for us, just like we don’t ask if it’s the right relationship for us. It’s like there’s a job going that’s in your field – you want it. Someone in your common interests, appearance or whatever ‘field’ has a vacancy, you’re on it without even truly evaluating what the ‘opportunity’ is. “I’m on it! I’m on it!”
You’re just not that desperate.You technically have a ‘vacancy’ too – surely you don’t want to give it to any ‘ole muppet off this street?
One of the things that job interviews and eventually dating and relationships taught me, is that anything that you get ‘rejected’ by through the process of not being ‘chosen’, there’s normally a very good reason why you wouldn’t have chosen them either. The overwhelming majority of the time, you are already aware of these reasons, it’s just that you get sidetracked by your ego that needs that gold star of someone choosing you. It’s like “I want to be chosen so I have the option of telling them to bog off.”
Newsflash – you have that option already.
What may come as a surprise to you is that your ego needs you to own your power and get on with your life, more than it needs you to bust your proverbial balls, hollow yourself out, or ruminate yourself into a Ph.D on A.N. Other so that you can figure out why you weren’t chosen to be on the rowing team of a boat you don’t even want to be on, or a boat that you’ve already worked out is a bad ride and that you need to get the hell out of.
I’m thankful that whether it was through actions or ego, that I eventually steered myself out of various dodgy dating situations. I’m also thankful that I wasn’t ‘chosen’ for certain relationships – when I was ready to own my power, it left me free to choose and be chosen for a relationship I genuinely wanted for healthy reasons.
This is your life – you must be the primary driver of your choices. Hold your own and put away your Choose Me Stick and stop playing a role in life that says “How can I be the right one for you?” You have control over what you do and don’t participate in – choose (positively) instead of letting life happen to you!
Your thoughts?
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This was another great great post.
I remember posting a status once on fakebook that said something like “I’m a background character in the film of my own life”.*
At the time I was pregnant, struggling to control an anxiety-related eating disorder (and therefore), anaemic, panicking about money/maternity leave, bereaved and over-worked and yet the EUM and the toxic friends that I was choosing to surround myself with were STILL managing to make it all about them. And the worst thing is that I let them! I didn’t ever focus the camera on myself, instead I traipsed after them, trying to capture THEIR experiences and ignoring mine completely.
Thinking back, I think that I possibly didn’t think that I deserved my own film… I wasn’t pretty/charming/interesting enough, and I was relying on the opinions of people who were so wrapped up in their own starring roles that they probably aren’t even aware that other films exist.
Nobody is going to make you the star of THEIR show (unless they’re unhealthy and unhappy with their own in some way, and then they’ll only nick your ideas and try to pass them off as their own) – the only way to make sure that you get any air-time is to give it to yourself.
I’m trying to work on that principle now… it’s not the most interesting cinematic experience just yet but I’m sure that imdb’ll love it when I’m done. And it’s MY life, lived for ME (and my son), not total undeservables.
*the only comment that I received on this status was from one of the aforementioned ‘friends’, about how she was the star of someone else’s film. Great. Thanks for that. Served me right, though
Jeez, this resonates with me so much.
With my ex MM I thought if I acted like the perfect,loving, caring, understanding, sexy woman that he wanted that he would choose me, and leave his wife for me. He future faked me by planning things that we would do (once he was with me), even said he’d think about changing aspects of his job so he’d be close to home and not travel so much, and asked me where I’d like us to live? I always made him laugh, told him how amazing and special he was, always looked great for him and gave him the biggest ego boost he’s probably ever had in his life, and yet in the end when I finished it, he didn’t really have anything to say! No “please don’t do this” or “give me more time”, nothing. He basically looked rather pathetic and sheepish, and told me that he’d always love me, and then said “I’ll go because this is awkward”.
I felt so hurt and humiliated because this guy who continuously professed his undying love for me didn’t fight for me and choose me.
Even now after 6 weeks of NC (with no effort by him to contact me), I’ll be honest when I say that part of me would still like him to even make an attempt to get in touch so as to allow me some sort of feeling of validation and less of rejection. Not that I would start seeing him again, no way.
I know I’ve got work to do on myself still the fact that I do still love him and am even thinking like this. Two weeks ago (after 4 weeks of NC) I was in a kick-ass frame of mind. I felt strong and sure about everything and good about me, and felt that he was slowing coming out of my system, and now two weeks further on I feel like I’m back a step or two?? Frustrating as hell but I know I’ve just got to look ahead and keep working at this, put me first and choose me!
xxx
I feel for you so much. You are even doing way better than me! I’m not even one week out of NC and I’ve never been able to go more than one month and that was back in October when he was in NC with me.
You will regress. This isn’t a linear process. You will feel things you think you should be over. I don’t even LIKE my MM/AC anymore. I don’t respect him and I don’t think he’s a good person and yet I STILL find myself hoping he’s at home, pining for me, planning on ways to leave his wife and CHOOSE ME ONCE AND FOR ALL. My ego still can’t fathom not being chosen. It’s ridiculous and breaks my heart over and over again.
It ain’t gonna happen. These guys are married. They are the ultimate unavailable. They aren’t even available to choose you, even if they want to, because they are MARRIED and they aren’t going to divorce, for whatever reason. Their marriages work for us, no matter how crappy we think they are and no matter how great we think ourselves.
You gotta protect youself. I went back THREE times playing this game, and nope, I never got chosen. Not even close. All that happened was I lost more and more of my identity and my self-respect.
Stay strong.
I know just where you’re coming from. I’m only two weeks out of the gate, and while I don’t have any answers yet, I want to say, “Kudos to you” for the attitude I’m seeing in your post. Good luck, Fresh Start.
ladies, i have just discovered these posts. very timely. i thought i had things under control, i was happy, people were commenting how happy i looked, i had been non contact for about 7 weeks now…then last night my ex decides to message me about ‘needing to see me please”, i wait an hour because i wasnt sure what to do, then out of sheer curiousity (my mistake) i see him. he tells me that he’s been seeing a counsellor and that he was told that it would be beneficial for him to gain forgiveness from the people he hurt. so he asks me to forgive him for being a user and a bastard amoung other things and to be the ‘better’ person and forgive him, i say yes, i do. then bad things happened. i am ashamed . he tells me he hasnt had sex since we saw each other. he becomes very agitated, and demands oral sex or he will see a prostitute. i say no, and i keep saying no, then he keeps pressuring me, then i give in. i didnt want him to see a prostitue. i have feelings for him. i told him after he blackmailed me.. then ladies, i write this now. i have been crying the whole night, i sent him numerous messages, i get no reply. this has broken me, and i have a bruise on my arm. i need help
im too ashamed to tell anyone.
Mila,
I am so sorry. That is shocking.
I think he must be actually evil. His actions were malicious, there is something wrong with him. You should talk to someone in real life, you should not be ashamed of his nastiness. But you need to protect yourself too, change your number etc.
mila
someone should sue that effin counsellor. of course your ex could be lying about that.
Stop messaging him. Don’t panic. Call your local woman’s shelter if you are desperate for someone to talk to.
I’ve been here a long time and this is, as Mymble says, one of the most evil things I’ve ever heard.
Don’t be ashamed, honey. This is a conjuring trick – they make you feel bad about what they have done wrong. I’ve been there, and there’s light at the other end. Promise.
Is there someone you can stay with?
At the very least, stop contacting him. He’s dangerous, especially when you are feeling so vulnerable.
Mila
this man IS a user an abuser and a bas-turd (make no mistake about it) and all the forgiveness and feelings and blow jobs in the world are not going to make him anything else. If you have any clue in the world about what is good for you, you will stop messaging him, block all his access to you, have not one other thing to do with him – ever again! Do not be ashamed to seek help from a professional – they will be well used to hearing about this kind of abuse; sadly, it’s not that uncommon. You must take care of yourself as a top priority and this guy is very, very bad news for you. Stay well away from him.
Hi Mila,
I am sorry this happened to you. I hope you will take the advice of the others and talk to a professional ASAP and take care to protect yourself from him. He is seriously dangerous. A professional and/or a trusted friend/family member will not judge you, nobody could under these circumstances.
This guy needs more than a counselor and a prostitute. He needs an attorney. Stay away from him.
@mila
Yes you need more help than you can get here…go see a professional or call a hot line.
STOP replying to him, period. Its okay if he sees a sexworker, you’re noT his women, remember?? We can tell you what to do but you must do it. Block his number, delete it unfriend him DO NOT CONTACT HIM there is nothing to gain anymore, you allowed him to debase you and the only way to take your power back is NO CONTACT.
You poor dear. I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. Please don’t feel ashamed; he’s the shameful one. You’re just a woman who believed and cared about an ass who manipulated you and served his own selfish needs. Please get some help and do everything in your power to stay away from that awful man. I know it will be hard for you, because like all of us, you have a weakness for him and have a lot of emotions tied up in him no matter what we say. But sweetie, it’s the best thing for you and now it sounds like it’s not just your emotional well-being, but your physical safety that’s in jeopardy. Be careful and let us know what happens.
XO
Mila
Don’t be ashamed! You did what you did under duress.I once did something under duress because I was terrified.
Don’t contact him again.Don’t let him in your house.Change your number if it’s possible and keep your self safe.Get some help from women who have been in similar situations.
You are not responsible for what he does and if he wants to go to a prostitute,that’s his choice.
Mila,
Please don’t feel ashamed–HE is the one who should be ashamed, not you. Please don’t have any contact with this man again. He has shown you who he is. He is not a good human being and he will only do you harm. He has treated you horribly and you need to focus on taking care of yourself. Whatever he may threaten to do, it’s not your problem. He’s an adult and chooses his own actions–if he chooses to go to a prostitute, it has nothing to do with you, or whether or not you will engage with him sexually.
I’m sorry that you’re hurting, but it will get better, I promise. Just take it day by day and focus on taking care of yourself.
i must admit i did text him about 6 times within 2 days. he never replied. but i’ll be okay, i can choose to live in self pity and i really want to. but then i think theres no point dwelling on negative stuff. I really feel like hating him. i feel like i deserve to have those bad feelings towards him. i feel weak if i dont hate him, however i want to leave the pain and hurt behind and not dwell on it. thankyou ladies for caring, i appreciate it. im right back to the start now. it took me 7 weeks to be happy, so its a setback, but i can do it. i know i can. this is just a slight road bump on the way to happiness.
Your story truly touched me. Probably because I can relate to it. if it makes you feel any better, we have all been there, or close to it. Please, do not rely on your will, block your numbers and all access that he can have to you. Do what you need to do, pray, talk to a professional, meditate, anything but talk to him. He is not and will never be the answer to the peace and happiness that you want and deserve.
I had a couple days of clarity and feeling okay that ‘ I wasn’t chosen’ recently. But, I saw the recent ex ( broke up two weeks) yesterday at the beach and walked the other way. He caught up to me and on a crowded public sidewalk and apologized for not calling me back, being mean and being so cold literally overnight, then rehashed why he can’t be in this relationsip with me. This was being said as people I knew walked by. It felt so belittling. I left the conversation feeling completely disrespected and disposable. The apology and the impersonal and public way it was delivered seemed more like a guilt relief for him. He said an email was not very personal, and he just couldn’t pick up the phone. I would much rather of been able to feel what I felt yesterday in some privacy. I went home and cried the rest of the day, and night. I knew it wasn’t going to work out with him deep down, but the feeling of rejection and not being ‘good enough or not chosen’ is overwhelming at the moment. Two days ago, I was feeling hope. I told myself not to come on here and complain but I’m having a really bad day.
Jenny, you’ve been through a breakup and it’s understandable to be upset, hurt, frustrated, angry and a whole myriad of emotions. What your ex did wasn’t the most appropriate way to conduct a ‘discussion’ (read: hijack with a verbal diarrhoea pot) but it’s done. There’s a lot of things you wanted in this relationship to be in a different way. Really all you do when someone who you just blanked comes up to you in the street, is tell them that you have to go and keep walking.
When I was a child, my mother used to say “familiarity breeds contempt”. Really no idea what the frick she was telling a six year old this for but what I think applies to you is this:
“Familiarity after previously unhealthy relationships breeds a new unhealthy relationship.”
When you have given yourself time to grieve the relationship, I hope you will heed what I say next:
Take the time out that you should have taken last year. Instead you chose to start something new when the truth is, you weren’t confident enough in yourself that if he proved not to be a great match, that you’d could walk.
Stubbornness is holding tight to a course of action, way of thinking etc in spite of compelling reasons to change. You have changed a lot but you still seem to think that you should play the I Can Handle It game with what you think is a lesser shade of unavailable.
His unavailability may not have been immediately obvious but it did show itself – there was nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade and opting out. You’ve got to stop playing out your old pattern. You say you were ok with not being chosen for a couple of days – Jenny, you didn’t choose him either. You were not happy with the situation – you just didn’t finish things up by behaving like a jackass. You did not choose him – you chose who you thought he might be or become but who he was became very unsatisfactory to you. You seem to be forgetting this as if he’s got fireworks shooting out of his arse and the sun is rising and setting on him. You’re upset about not being chosen to take a booby prize. You continue to sell yourself short. He’s lucky I wasn’t there to tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.
You have every right to be upset, complain etc but when you’re ready, it’s time to own the part you can control – you – because if you don’t like what the pattern computer spits out, it’s time for you to stop keying in variations of the same programme.
Natalie, you are like an elixir. I am grateful for your comment. You have a way of seeing people, through the bullshit, even though you never met most of us. A lesser shade of unavailable, ( I had clear denial about this) seemed like a good find for me after some of my past assclowns, and his niceness felt like a gift. But, unavailable is unavailable. I tried to do things right this time by going slow, but slow stayed slow, and I feel misled about how he really felt, honestly, but I get that the big picture is that all the rights I could possibly do were not going to matter. The contradictory things he’s said to me the past couple weeks (months, actually) just don’t add up. I was doing what I perceived to be the right things on the wrong guy. Although I am sobbing even harder now and getting my keyboard all wet, what you said makes clear sense and makes me feel better. I agree that taking time out of dating is key for me. I have been approached a couple of times this past week by random men and it made me feel panicked like a caged animal. Thank you, you are a very sweet and soulful person.
Jennyic, “a lesser shade of unavailable”. I remember stating with all confidence that the last guy that I dated was not an AC and he treated me like a queen, he was soooo nice. But at the end of the day, “he was a lesser shade of unavailable”. And I was so desperate to make him the one, that I was more than willing to over look the traits in his character that made him unavailable. The lesson that I learned is that just because someone is not in your face unavailable, does not mean that I should move full steam ahead.
In terms of taking time out for your self, it has been approximately, a ten months since I broke up with my ex. Initially, I did not even notice men, I simply was not interested in dating. But, lately, I am noticing men more. A part of me feel like I want to start dating. But, I know that my confidence is not where it should be. So, I am going to take it easy, and just continue to work on me. As I replay my relationships in my head, each relationship that I entered into, I was not happy at the moment that I met the next guy. I believe that my unhappiness spirit attracted the next AC, they and other people can smell your low self esteem and vulnerable state. Slow down, just concentrate on yourself, the costs of just jumping back out there in the dating world is just too high in my estimation.
Another great post. Thanks Nat! I’ve been working so hard reading this website and many other blogs, falling off the perverbial wagon, then getting back on again just to find out this morning that my unrequited love, my EU/MM of 4+ years is having a baby with his wife. The stick was just crushed and put away for me. He didn’t tell me. I read it on his facebook page. His wife made a comment to someone who had commented on a picture. A week ago today i actually got a message from him saying “I’ll chat with you when I get back from vacation.” He had been attempting to contact me daily and sometimes I was weak and gave in to respond. Other days I was strong. He and the wife were on a vacation together this week and I had gotten up my strength to not even look at his page for a week…until today. And of course, that’s what I saw glaring on the page! My heart…and my “choose me” stick are broken. I couldn’t even hold it up to him now if I wanted. Which I don’t. I feel sick. It was just last month he was asking me (again) to send him pictures and sext!! Honestly, knowing how much of a coward he is, I can’t wait to see if he’ll contact me now that he’s back and knows that I know. I mean, I can read. If he attempts to contact me (always text or messaging), do I just start screaming or do I just block?? I let him go easily years ago when he broke it off with me when we were seeing each other legitimately and both single. So, part of me doesn’t want to be so nice this time and go quietly into the night. I do feel bad for his wife. This is horrific. Would never wish this upon anyone else. Stay away from MM even if you have a long history and believe that it couldn’t been destiny or whatever. Just stay away.
Complicated
Block everything.
You are in an extremely dire state of denial and fantasy-lala land if you think you have a right to anything here. He’s allowed to have sex and a child with his wife.
Drop it please for your own sake.
Comp,
Sadly, the only one here who will be surprised at this latest plot ‘development’ in this fantasy faux affair is you. Having babies is not exactly an unusual event in the lives of married couples. Grace is right; you actually have no right to be shouting/complaining about anything. It’s way past time you bought a one way ticket on the fast train out of la-la-land and got back to reality. You were never a choice he was going to make – he was not taking you seriously at all – not even a wee bit! He was taking you for a mug. You need to focus on the choices you have/are making and think about why you have chosen to martyr yourself and your own life for four years of nothingness with Mr Not-Even-There.
Comp,
I wish two things for you. That your counsellor is someone worth her salt and can help you to help yourself from living further in the mirage you have created around this tosser.
I am with Mymble and some of the other ladies in this, it’s not about your relationship with him. It how you need desperately to pin all your hopes on air. By this obsession, you stop yourself actively pursuing your own life? Your other relationships, your kids….you’re just about to divorce,how does your child or children feel.
You’ve posted the same story for two years now, my heart is sore for you but at the same time you block resolutely your own progress.
Secondly, that you are able to feel real empathy for this guy’s wife and his unborn child and simply man up and close the MM file for good.Sometimes, in life , we have to take the hit.We have to bear the pain because that’s rooted in reality.
Please just block and let it go. I’m in the midst of my own chaos with an MM/AC. You will lose your identity and all self-respect playing these games. It’s the hardest thing not to look and not to snoop and not to feel hurt and pain and angry. I was angry once when his wife posted about how he got her a gift unexpectantly. WELL IT’S HIS WIFE! That’s what husbands DO! This guy doesn’t belong to you.
Work on yourself. It’s easier said than done. The jackass will probably come sniffing around again to see what he can get away with. And you won’t always have anger to fuel your NC of him. I learned once the anger faded a the beginning of Jan. when I swore to myself I had had ENOUGH and was DONE FOR GOOD, I went right back to the games with my MM/AC trying to be chosen.
I feel for you so much. It’s hard to get off that ride but you will not win. Ever. No matter how long you stick around. No matter what you give.
Hi Limerence,
You’re right, I already lost my self-worth and self-respect. I had never been involved in anything like this and was married myself when the relationship started. I stupidly thought this could’ve been fate. Always been a hopeless romantic. Not anymore. I’m not one that gets angry easily, I get hurt. So it’s the rejection part that’s killing me. Especially, now that I’ve let him do it to me twice!! I don’t see him coming back sniffing around. He’s always been a coward and always will be. He’s the same man now that he was when I dated him at age 19. After all, I caught him in this lie (which he would’ve kept from me for who knows how long) when just last week he was saying “talk to you when I return from my trip.” All this time he knew she was pregnant, unless she just told him yesterday which is highly doubtful. Doesn’t matter now anyways. Weird part will be never again hearing from someone that was messaging me everyday. I also want off this ride and hopefully the work I’m doing to stay off it (not just the on-again, off-again stuff) will eventually sink into my soul. This is more painful than the loss of my parents. Thank you for the kind comments.
Complicated
the loss of an AC MM is more deep than the loss of your PARENTS? You truly need to speak to a professional at this point.
I don’t think that is very helpful to say that. The loss of the AC/MM for me feels like it’s harder than when I went through the death of my father. I don’t know if it’s because there’s so many unresolved issues tied to the affair (acting out issues I’ve had since I was a child), but it is harder for me to get on with my life right now. And the fact of the matter is, the MM/AC is still around so I have to work almost every hour right now to not engage with him in some way and it’s exhausting (I broke last night, thanks to good ole alcohol, and THIS MORNING texting him and I freaking HATE myself for it but I can’t undo it. The downside of it being lazy communication is its SO effortless to break contact).
I have my first therapy appointment today. I am excited that I’m doing this for myself.
Complicated: I know it’s hard. You’re doing better than I am in terms of NC, but I did stop facebook/twitter stalking him and his wife because that HURTS so much and I couldn’t stand that pain. Give yourself a break from that. All that is there is PAIN.
Also, I understand about not receiving texts anymore. I still look at my phone… I would get a good morning text every day and now there is nothing there. Which is GOOD, I understand that logically, but my ego and heart do not.
It’s a long, long process to put yourself back together after an affair. I’m in the beginning stages. But we will be stronger when this is over.
Limerance, Comp and others who are hurting in similar situations: BR helped me so much in many ways (and continues to help me), but one of the first light bulb moments I got from Natalie (and the related posts) was that I finally saw – with real horror! – that what I was getting from the ex EUM was CRUMBS.
Seriously, this is what you need to do/where you need to get to: You need to wake up to the fact that what you have been living off is *crumbs*.
What some of you are telling yourself is:
‘I cannot see how I can possibly live without him’.
Here’s what I’m hearing:
‘I cannot see how I can possibly live without a daily (if I’m lucky) text message from this man’
Ergo, what you’re really saying is:
I cannot see how I can possibly live without a daily crumb from this man’
Believe it or not, I know how you feel. But I came to realise that what the ex had been contributing to my life made no practical difference to me – had no benefit to me – none. None at all. So, could I live without him? I already was living without him!
You already ARE living without him! You are doing your life by yourself anyway. He is not adding anything to it! You are just clinging to a crumb and making it out to be something worth jack-shit. It’s not worth anything at all. It’s nothing. It’s a text message. it takes him ten seconds to send it, it takes you ten seconds to read it – and there’s your lot! that’s what you imagine you cannot live without. Go do something else that you like to do for the ten seconds it’d take you to read his text (aka, eat his crumb) – and the full hour it takes you to compose your carefully crafted text response! Think of something else you like to do and go do that instead.
You think he’s surviving off crumbs? Off a few text messages a day? Not on your nelly! He wants more than that. And he’s getting it.
fearless
yep. For a few months of madness my life was focused around texts from the MM. There I am, waiting for texts while:
He goes on two holidays with his wife and children
Takes his wife to hospital for an operation and brings her home
Hits the town with his wife once she recovers
Takes his daughter to her first day at school
Yeah I know all this cos I FB stalked him. Of course it does beg the question of why someone feels the need to advertise their life so much, but not my problem.
He has all this and what do I get:
SEXTS AND PORN PIX AT THREE IN THE MORNING!
We are waiting for him to choose us – he doesn’t have to choose us. He already has a full life. It’s us who are trying to dine off his crumbs.
I didn’t even want him anyway *head desk*. Ironically, though, there’s a safety net in being involved with someone you can’t actually have. I know it’s feels horrible but the crying, yearning, drama, anger and fantasizing is not as risky as genuinely putting yourself in front of a person.
All the time that I was weeping and wailing and being shocked by his antics, I pretty much knew that it was all very predictable.
Weird.
I actually just put this post on my phone. When I feel like texting or sad that he hasn’t texted, I’m going to read it again and again. It makes so much sense and is SO SIMPLE it seems so silly. Thank you for the dose of reality.
Limerence, I have come to understand that AC /EU usually start off texting you good morning everyday, “hello beautiful, have a good day”. it is part of the game to get you hooked. What made me realize that it is an important part of the game, these type of men can turn that type of attention off in a split second. And then you you are left even more hungry for them and that type of attention, especially if you were craving for it in the first place.
I am learning to tell myself, that I beautiful, so when the next AC says it, I can say thanks, but whats most important is that I say to myself, regardless of whether you say it or not. Most AC are not consistent, so eventually, all of that “good morning beautiful” texts will come to an end.
I’m totally with you on this, Complicated. Even though it was mostly through the lame daily forum of email/text, the prospect of not hearing from my “boyfriend” ever again leaves me incredibly hopeless. I think, like me, you’ve been waiting around, and had pinned your hopes on a future with your guy. Now we’re both having to come to terms with the fact that it’s not happening and we aren’t sure how to put one foot in front of the other. Correct? I read a lot of your posts from back in November today, as my situation is similar but fresh. The main difference I see is that my MM lied and fabricated a separation and divorce (the only reason we aren’t still seeing each other is his wife found out; nice), while yours was at least up front about being married. But the whole not telling you about the pregnancy thing was not cool. Did he think you’d not find out? Wouldn’t care? I know some people think you have no rights when it comes to him and while as OW, frankly we don’t, I understand that you feel he owes you more than that after all the time and love you’ve given him. I know that you, like me, were hanging on your MM’s every word and that we both seem to have inflated the sentiment behind their halfhearted gestures. I mean, how have we settled for relationships conducted via texting? Seriously. I know I feel like a chump.
Well, tomorrow is another day. But don’t FB stalk him anymore. It’s only going to be torture for you. I, for one, will never be able to erase the memory of a photo I saw on my MM’s wife’s page of them together where she referred to him as her “hubby” the day I found out he was lying to me. Pure torture. Good luck, and thanks for your posts. They’ve given me a lot of insight.
Blindsided,
Wow, our stories do sound similar! I could relate to everything you said! You are correct. It is a sad, hopeless feeling not knowing whether I’ll hear from him again (and yes, I know I shouldn’t even want to). But, I’ve put so much effort into this and collected the bread crumbs hoping to make my loaf that I actually convinced myself something good could come of this. I’ve been that blind for 4 years. 4 years. I want to scream WAKE UP COMPLICATED, YOU ARE SMART, KIND AND BEAUTIFUL!! I always thought of myself to be such a good person, and being too nice did get me into this predicament. Anyways, I was lying in bed this morning and as soon as my eyes opened, the flood of tears came along with a feeling as if I’d been punched in the stomach. I wasn’t even out of bed yet, how much better could this day get? Well, its noon here and I’m ok. The sun is shining and I’m healthy and alive. I plan to keep posting and lurking about on here haha, meeting with my counselor and reading about love addiction until it finally sinks it.
Complicated,
Your story has similarities to mine.
I have looked back through BR and I notice you cropping up over the years with the same story about the (largely fantasy) relationship with the MM. And while all this has been going on, quietly in the background, only occasionally mentioned, your marriage has broken down. All this pain, it cannot be about this man. Its as though you have magnified one insignificant detail out of huge canvas.
Do you not think that perhaps all this drama about the nothing much happening with MM is perhaps a way of escaping from the sorrow of the loss of your marriage? Even if you had fallen out of love with your husband, it is so hard breaking up a marriage, the feelings of disappointment, regret, and hurt even if you are the one who instigated the breakup. Especially if there are kids.
This is what is happening with me. After 2 months NC with the MM I am starting to really feel the much worse pain and fear of the loss of my 14 year marriage.
Sometimes, today, I feel so bleak.
My marriage, that’s what I have to pick up off the carousel and unpack and put away. Much harder, short term, than the fantasy relationship, (mine had a lot of fantasy in it too, although we did spend quite a bit of time together) but its work that has to be done or I will never move on.
Sometimes, I think the way our thoughts turn all the time to the EUM/MM/AC is almost a habit, like biting your nails, but it serves an underlying purpose of blocking more difficult thoughts about things that really matter and that require our focus and attention and action.
I think theres some kind of buddhist theory that the more we try to escape the pain of reality, with fantasies, daydreams, intoxication etc, the more pain we cause ourselves and others.
mymble
this is insightful.
Since I started talking to the man I like, I’ve been crying neearly every day. These days, thankfully, I’m smart enough to know it’s not about him.
I am mourning the life I could have had if my parents hadn’t subjected me to emotional and physical abuse, and neglect. I could have met a nice man in my 20s or 30s, I could have had better academic success, a decent career, a garden, even children. Those things I can’t have anymore. Well, maybe the garden is achievable
For sure, I can still be happy, and carve out something that is mine but there’s still a loss. I’ve only just got round to processing it because I was so relieved not to be dealing with ACs anymore, or depression and anxiety.
But I’ve gained too – wisdom, insight, compassion. Things I wouldn’t have needed so much if my life had been all rosy. For all my “take no prisoners” comments I do understand what you all are going through.
grace, I want you to know that my daughter won`t be learning destructive stuff from me because you helped me with your wisdom. That chain of bad is cut. If there is karma, and I`m sure there is you will be getting more than that garden. I also think people with rosy lives just don`t appreciate it anyway, but between the crying and trying to get my head around the past and now I still feel oddly lucky. My nose is Rudolf Red right now though.
Grace,
Yes, I think compassion is important, and the trouble with fantasies is they tend to blind you to other people’s suffering. Even, in a funny way, the MM/AC/EUM because you’re fixating so much on what you want, you forget to pay attention to what’s really going on with him.
Your comments never sound harsh or angry at all. They’re usually helpful and funny.
Mymble and Grace,
I do believe I blew this whole situation out of proportion. I’ve put more time, effort, money, my self respect into this ‘thing’ than the MM ever did. I realize I was just an ego stroke to him. Possibly a distraction from what was going on in his life. Nothing more. Even though I tried shunning his attempts to reel me in at first, I gave in. Me. It was my doing. Then he backed off. My first EUM was my alcoholic, verbally abusive father. Then it was my verbally abusive, neglectful husband. Seems I was always holding up the “choose me” stick and chasing men that would give me the validation I was good enough to want to spend time or be with. It shouldve been me working to treat myself well. But, we don’t learn this as 3 year olds in these family settings. I never wanted to use my childhood as a crutch and always thought I would persevere despite my childhood upbringing. I’ve learned through counseling, love addiction books, and this site, that sometimes it is what is because of how it was. Now I have to feel the pain instead of trying to just rush through it, do my own processing and hopefully become stronger like the other women I’ve read about here. I just hate that empty feeling I have right now.
Grace,
I feel like I’m into a new chapter of a Grace story with you having noticed your new interest in dating over the past few weeks, and now after avoiding this person you like, deciding to talk to him and get to know him a little. I don’t know if I’m exactly sorry to hear you’re crying every night – sorry to hear about your pain, of course – only, because it seems, from my distant reader’s perspective, like a bit of a thaw??
I’ve taken a lot of strength from your clarity and positivity about living alone. I also see bravery in you taking some risks around that strong position.
Whatever transpires with you, Grace, thanks for sharing your thoughts about your explorations and choices with us.
Aw thanks Magnolia
It’s not every night!
When I got the train home today the charity folk were collecting for a children’s hospice. And I thought, my life is good. It’s a cliche but some people do have it worse than me. A children’s hospice. Could any two words be sadder?
You’re right, I AM taking a risk. It IS scary. I don’t know what’s going to happen, see. I just don’t know! Eek.
Amazing Grace,
don’t cry Grace (:
You are still a young woman! You have a whole life ahead of you. Write nothing out. My dad used to say to us ‘ go out there, take life by the scruff of the neck and shake it!’. He never did that himself, sadly, but that’s what I’d like to say to you Grace. You are a fabulous woman. The world needs to know this! You have the knowledge now, you are a realist, you have the nerve and just the right amount of cynicism! And you will not shirk doing what has to be done if it needs doing. Have faith in yourself. Don’t be afraid. I for one am willing you every possible happiness – and a lovely garden, which is no small thing! (I love gardens too!). Nothing ventured and all that… no more regrets. xx
Grace
I want to add something. When I first came to BR around 3 months ago fresh out of my AC experience, I was confused/lonely/looking for answers, I used to read your comments and think “wow, when am I going to be at the same stage as Grace, she seems harsh, but very real” I can’t remember which article it was, but I was commenting about my experience and how I was feeling and what I was going through. And you told me exactly what I needed to hear. I desperately wanted to reach out to the AC that disappeared on me but you flatly told me that I wouldn’t get the answers I wanted and I was just seeking validation. That has stuck with me, and very occasionally I think, to hell with it I’m going to contact him, but I won’t because I remember you telling me it was pointless! By the way I live in a flat (quite a decent one) but long for a garden and someday, somehow I’m gonna get one! Thanks Grace
Grace,
CRY!! Feel!!! Its GOOD!!! But keep pushing forward! It’s emotions. Its scary, yes, but exciting and different and you will survive and along with the bad, and there will be, you will feel the good!!! And it is so worth it!!! And we are so excited to hear what happens next!!
Grace, how do you deal with the feelings of loss? Sometimes, I just weep for all of the years that I lost and what my life could have been. Everything that I have been reading, has said that you cant look back and you cant blame your parents, which I wont to to because my childhood was hell, but that really does not feel good.
What do you do?
Aboutme
There is a difference between blaming your parents and acknowledging what they have done and the effect that it has had on you. I think if you don’t process it, you try to work it out via crappy relationships instead. Although I’m “over it” as much as someone can be, a part of it will always be with me. I don’t mind that. It does my experience and the experience of all the abused a disservice to say “Oh just forget it and move on”. It will always be with me but I can still recover, be happy and it’s deepened me as a person.
I had a very good counsellor, a man in his 60s. At the time it was important to me to have a man in my life I could trust. May or may not work for you. I also read BR and realised that all the solutions that I thought wouldn’t work – would work. I’m reading a book at the moment called New Shoes. It’s aimed at those who have been sexually abused but it’s just as helpful to me though I wasn’t abused that way. When my counsellor said I talk like someone who has been sexually abused, I realised that physical and emotional abuse can be just as damaging. It’s not a league table.
I like the New Shoes book because every single contradictory, mixed up, self-sabotaging, avoidant, anxiety-ridden, fantasy-driven, learned helplessness, boundary busting, shame-filled, guilty thing I have felt is in there. It’s really good to know that you’re not alone and there are tried and tested solutions. It’s not an unfathomable mystery. It’s totally treatable.
I think this “don’t blame your parents” advice is both right and wrong at the same time. Of course, it’s wrong to blame your parents for your alcoholism, for your laziness or for your crappy relationships, because those are all due to your own (sometimes unconscious) choices.
On the other hand, it’s completely okay to blame one’s parents for all the crimes they committed. I used to blame MYSELF for even their most outrageous actions from the past, and that was certainly wrong and basically one of the reasons why I had all those issues in the present. When momster told me I was mentally ill, that was her fault and not mine, because she lied. When my parents abused me sexually, that was their fault and not mine (out of some “inner perversity” I believed I had). When my mother failed to teach me any practical skills, that was her fault and not my “mental illness” (= incapability of mastering basic skills as a child because I had never been taught how).
For a while, I even used statements like “don’t blame your parents” as an excuse for my own very very unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. That had to stop. Not all advice is right, and it certainly doesn’t apply to everybody in any situation. It’s up to us to pick the right advice/advisors. We have to take control. Other people should not have that power over us. We need to claim it back.
Thank you Grace. I am finally admitting that the abuse that I experience as a child really did have a effect on me. For years, I thought that, oh well it happened, I am fine, just unlucky in love. Now, I finally coming to grips to how my childhood affected my life.
I have been doing a lot of reading and will pick up the book that you mentioned. As far as a counselor, I think that it is time for me to find one. Thanks again
Wow, Grace. I’ve been rereading your posts and noticing so many similarities in our situations and feelings about them. This new post really got to me, because my own therapist told me last week that she saw many parallels between what I was saying and what women who were sexually abused as kids expressed. I have no memory of having been abused in that way, but I wonder if the fact that I grew up in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic parent might have skewed my thinking and made me crave validation and seek chaotic relationships. Food for thought. Thanks.
Grace, your post just moved me so much. You contribute so much here and your terrific spirit shines through.
I wanted to share with you something a friend told me when I was (have been for a while) in deep grief over lost opportunities, lost time, that I won’t have a child, that I made terrible choices and all is lost.
“what is making you despairing is that you have structured your entire emotional life around an issue which you don’t need to solve
the issue is: how to be loved by your mother
but that issue is bogus. you don’t need that, and you don’t need EUM.
you want something from him, you are desperate for that thing you imagine he can give you
that feels like love and it is overwhelming, but it isn’t really love
you need to find a way to access your own real resources
and stop attempting to get them from someone else
you can get them from what you already have access to at all times and always have
Of course, even though you see this now, you’ll backslide again, but you’ll recover again. But the thing is, now the old habits are coexisting with a new level of awareness, insight, wisdom …. and the latter will slowly grow to dominate, because it is more true. The truth is more consistent with reality, it’s more satisfying, it’s more true, it gives you positive feedback because it’s connected to reality.
Ultimately the point here is to immerse yourself in truth, not as a matter of asceticism… but as a matter of truly exploring the vastness of reality, rather than staring sadly at a crayon drawing from your childhood, wondering why it doesn’t work as a blueprint for your life. Time to explore the world freshly, as it is, right here and now, vastly available and satisfying, unlike impossible and needless projects from ancient, no-longer-relevant disappointments.
Your passion for EUM has never really been about EUM, it’s been about you unconsciously trying to find someone who reminds you of your mother enough for you to attempt to rectify a childhood psychological breach. Someone popular, smart, but emotionally unavailable to you. While you imagine you love EUM for his personal qualities, the reality is, it’s not only his personal qualities, but his emotional unavailability which is key.
But that whole project is and has always been a terrible waste of time and effort. You don’t need to rectify that situation with your mother. You have to live YOUR life, or start to live it. All these years trying to rectify this breach, you’ve stopped trying to live your own life as you search for a mythical someone to rectify the breach.
Your whole life, you keep thinking, “if only I was a better daughter-or-lover then this UNAVAILABLE PERSON would forgive my transgressions and love me for real, the magic thing would happen I’ve been waiting for all my life”. But no, that’s not the case. You don’t need to be a better anything. You are like a supplicant hoping for the gods to grant you your fondest wish, you keep thinking that the gods are right and you haven’t been worthy.
These people, EUM your mother, ex-EUM — they’re not who you think they are. It isn’t and wasn’t your fault, you didn’t fail and you weren’t unworthy, and no change in your behavior would have resulted in the skies opening up for you and love and acceptance finally raining down on you, because the problem has never been you.
Live your life. If you keep waiting for one of them to love you as you should be loved, you will never start living yourself. Start living now.”
Grace, you are farther from me on the path. You ARE living now. These terrible griefs from the parents who had their own problems, they cannot stop us anymore. No one can make it up to us, but no one has to. They failed US, and we do not have to serve a life sentence for it.
much love.
thanks ixnay, that’s very encouraging.
This issue is becoming “live” again for me now that I’ve “exposed” myself (not literally) to a man. I’m feeling quite vulnerable. He’s done absolutely nothing wrong – no future faking, no charm offensive, no texts. Nada. We just chat at church. I’m wondering if he likes me at all, even though I don’t want those things and they would be a turnoff to me.
But I’m not picking up that flippin choose me stick again. It’s officially retired.
In the past, the flashpoint for me, which at least I’m aware of now, is when they rejected me, then I would pick up that stick and start a campaign to make them choose me. I was very good at it. What a misuse of talent!
Thank God that I met my “match” – the man who would NEVER EVER choose one woman when he could have his pick of so many. I had to give up and the world didn’t end. Best thing that happened to me.
Yeah, my friend’s words i pasted in reference to our *old* patterns, not this new situation you’re in. But it’s about why we developed a choose-me stick in the first place. Mine is so keyed to my family of origin it’s textbook.
It is a misuse of talent and energy, yes.
Hi Grace
I am about where you are now too, processing all the hurt, all the loss perpetrated by my upbringing which of course, follows me like a ghost through my entire life. I find I am crying all the time too and I just wanted to share that w/you. I can only offer my support and show of solidarity. I’m really sorry I can’t make it better for all of us.
Mymble
I didn’t realise your situation was so similar to mine.
What you have wrote is so true.
Is it possible to go back to the marriage if that’s what you want ?
In my case,I realised that although my ex husband was my best friend I wasn’t deeply emotionally attached to him.If I went back it would be because I was lonely and he would be the fall back guy.I haven’t felt the loss for the marriage even though it was a good one.The nasty words he has used have helped me with that decision.
I feel authentic now and I wonder if I really want a relationship at all.
Hugs x
Tanzanite,
Thanks. The situation with my husband is much how you
describe yours. He has begged for us to stay together. He is a good – very good father to our children, and in some ways a good husband, (although at a deeper level I feel that he is of poor character and inclined to be a liar) but for many years our marriage has been a sham (if you know what I mean). I can’t explain all the issues here – if I started i would never stop -but I feel that if I don’t end it will have failed myself. I feel buried alive. Yet, if I do end it
I will be inflicting a lot of damage on him. (and hurting our kids). My mind goes round and round in circles with it. Much more so now that the silly escapade with the MM is over.
I am glad for you that you feel at peace with the way things have worked out for you.
Mymble
If you ever want to talk about it I don’t mind listening.I am on face book.I will never tell you what to do though,we have to come to our own conclusions.
I think people leave their marriages very easily without realising if they will be any better off in the next situation ( me included ).I am sad because of what happened over the last few years and like you,I can’t help wondering what my true path was / is .
x
That is a kind offer, but how would I find you on FB?
Complicated
I agree with the ladies that have mentioned the fact he was a married man, and there isn’t a woman on here who doesn’t know the pain of being lied to.These men are leading double lives.Even if he chose you,all you have is a man who can’t be trusted.
I have been in a similar situation and knowing he had a baby which he must have conceived whilst he was in a so called relationship with me was the final straw.I recognised that the baby was innocent and being with his wife and baby is the “greater good “.
You can now get to know yourself and find out why you thought the MM was such a good catch.Don’t be too hard on yourself while you are in pain .When the pain has gone or is not so raw you will see the situation for what it is.
Take care x
Hi ladies,
I was feeling a little better tonight after reading the posts on a different article, but now I’m feeling despondent. It just feels like this pain is never going away. The MM I was involved with had lied to me about being separated/on the verge of divorce, but just dropped me completely when his wife found a bunch of emails we’d exchanged. I went on her FB page and saw a photo of them together while he’d been sending me emails fabricating a “business trip” he was on. We had a LDR and he managed me by text/email, so I never really knew what he was up to.
I feel like I’m withering away. I’ve wasted 16 months on this man I planned to share the rest of my life with. I can’t get my head around the fact that he kept promising me the moon and stars and keeping me on the line when he had no intention of following through. Who does that???
I have a very messed up relationship history where I’ve been the EUW, and I saw this relationship as my turning point, where I could put someone else first, be true to him, love him through thick and thin, etc. I know you’ll say I need to find a way to love myself, but I just have no idea how to go about that or where to even begin. I’ve jumped from relationship to relationship since I was 17 (I’m 37 now), and I’ve never been alone. Literally. Never.
I hate that I have no control over the situation, and keep trying to rationalize why he chose her over me when he said they’d never reconcile and I was his “passion, joy, and future.” Blech. But what’s so sad is she had him forward me the letter he wrote to her detailing why he chose her, so I know. I can’t stop replaying it in my memory and it’s killing me. What a jerk. The least he could’ve done is told her no, he wouldn’t send it to me since he’d been lying to me the whole time about being separated for years. But he wanted to cover his own rear and didn’t mind if I was a casualty. This from the guy who kept telling me I was his soul mate. I would really appreciate any encouragement you can offer. Thanks in advance.
blindsided
Who does that? Married men do that.
I get that he lied to you but, before the 16 months was up, did you not have an inkling that not all was right? When the relationship is mostly email/texts, it’s not a proper relationship whether or not he’s separated.
I’m not saying this so you can kick yourself some more but so you know you’re not as powerless as you think. Get your instincts in tune and you can completely avoid 90% of these numpties. Of the 10% that might get through Stage One Filter, most of those will reveal themselves within six months or less. The key is not to make crumbs into a buttered loaf or to cling on when you know it’s not working.
I would love to be 37 again and know what I know now. Onwards!
PS And no more separated men. There are enough men out there who are properly divorced or single. Sure, there are exceptions but ex-FBGs must avoid catering to their old pattern. For me, I must avoid the separated and the ex-holics. Really, is that such a huge sacrifice? I think not.
And they all spin this soulmates, I will love you always. I want to be a part of your life crap. I’ve had ten page letters telling me how wonderful I am. Then he couldn’t even show up for pizza after we had been “friends” for over fifteen years.
Action is where it’s at.
He couldn’t even show up for pizza? Lol. Thanks for injecting some levity into my morning, grace. I needed that, and I really appreciate your response. No more separated men!
I’m so with you, Grace, regarding the banishment of separated men from our lives. It was so easy to think that separated = completely done with his marriage. Um… not so much. I’m still trying to recover from a lengthy relationship with a separated guy and it’s more painful than any relationship ending I’ve ever experienced.
In some ways, the “choose me” stick is even worse when he’s finally divorced… and doesn’t choose. Literally. Wouldn’t choose to be with me (despite all the dipshit promises when he was in the depths of divorce hell) and wouldn’t choose to be without me either. Let the AC games begin!
Regarding your comment about “soul mates”, I’m reminded of something Big said to Carrie on Sex in the City. He was talking about a whirlwind romance/marriage between two acquaintances of Carrie. He said, “Did they actually use the word soulmate?” Carrie replied in the affirmative, to which Big responded, “Then I give it 3 months tops.”
My whole family refers to my guy as “Mr. Big” and keeps telling me I’m Carrie. I throw away the nice men and clamor after the EUMs. Strangers tell me I even look like her and it makes me cringe because I can’t help but feel like Carrie=dysfunction=unhappy relationship=me
I’m sort of laughing as I type this, but really, it’s just screwed up and sad.
Blindsided,
You are not alone. We are here for you and going through the same things. They are bad, cowardly, selfish, using men. We happened to get caught up in their webs. We are not bad people for wanting to give and receive love.
It will and does get better. Be patient.
As someone once said here, take all the energy you focus on him and put it on yourself. Give yourself the same love you attempted to give him. It’s a process but it works. You deserve inner peace and happiness.
Forget him as much as you can. He is a mirage.
Thank you so much. Just knowing a lot of you have experienced this helps me, and your saying you’re here for me is like a balm. A mirage. I’ll keep repeating that to myself. Thanks so much.
Hi Complicated,
Well good god damn! I think I’m seeing a giant flame on the horizon as we all pitch our “Chose Me Sticks” into the fire, thanks to Natalie and BR. I know you are hurting and sad. I thought about you and the MM with the newly impregnated wife all day. Your comment was so real and I could feel your hurt. It re-triggered that moment of reality for me when I could no longer hide in denial. It hurts. Your comment brought back everysinglething Natalie has said about cheating MM’s. They lie to their wife, the OW, and everybody else, there’s no such thing as an honest cheat,their marriages work for them which is why they don’t leave etc. But here’s the thing that so relates to Natalie’s post and what I experienced as a former OW: While I was in the role of the OW, I clearly didn’t prioritize myself but I held him accountable for not prioritizing me. I had this twisted view that if HE prioritized ME, I’d be number one. It’s taken me some time to realize that only I am responsible for prioritizing me as number one. I knew it within a few weeks (thus the RunnergirlNO1) but it’s taken more time to make my words match my actions. Still trying.
Reality was horrific for me too. Sounds like your EXMM is doing things a husband should be doing, including having sex with his wife, having babies with his wife, and going on vacation with his wife. He gets to do that cos he’s married to his wife. The only problem…he’s got something else going on the side. Don’t be the side dish. You are right about staying away from MM’s. Just a nightmare on Elm Street. Plant the “I Choose Me Stick” in your front yard. F**K MM’s, not literally, of course.
Hi runnergirlno1!
Good to hear from you. I definitely didn’t prioritize myself and he certainly didn’t prioritize me either. I am hurt, hurting badly actually. Even though I feel like I have no right to hurt over something I never lost because it was never mine to begin with, I hurt. Maybe if this had been reality instead of my fantasy, it would be easier to get over. I don’t know. I had moments (small ones) with him that were reality, but I made those small realities into a BIG fantasy. I’ve been hiding in denial too.
Right at this moment, I’m being eaten up inside with questions that I want to ask him. Questions that would require me to contact him. “Was she pregnant while you were asking me for dirty pics, was she pregnant while you were trying to get me to sext, if I we’re such a “close friend” (that’s how he referred to me), then why didn’t you feel the need to share this exciting news with me? How could he just sleep with me then decide to treat me as what you call a “close friend”? I mean, what is it that you consider me…A)The other woman B) Friend with Benefits C)The woman you don’t want to marry and be with, just the one you want to sleep with, sext and exchange dirty pics with or D) A woman you ended up loving but the timing sucks and this character you portray is your coping mechanism?”
I want to vomit just thinking about all this. My counselor will be getting an earful tomorrow. I won’t be contacting him to ask these questions, but I’d really like to know the answers. I realize having the answers (even though I couldn’t trust the validity) wouldn’t change anything. He’s still married. Wife is pregnant. I’m not even a priority. Never have been, never will be. See, the reality of the situation is there for me, I just have to get it to resonate with my emotions. I want to cry, shout, stomp and get him out of my system. Thanks for listening.
happy to say i am past this point described in the post. I do now start to take a step back and watch how my reactions in these situations are. Am having a good look now, if the goods on offer are the ones i want. If i buy fruit i would also look if its right and not mouldy or squishy
Hi Grace,
I know I have no chance with this man especially now. Especially knowing he’s been lying to me about his wife being pregnant for who knows how long. My divorce was final last month and the stupid idea I had that the MM and I would somehow end up together is gone. *Red flag* I should’ve seen…he’s been lying to her, why wouldn’t he also be lying to me. However, we all have a right to be treated with respect. No matter how broken we are or how many mistakes we make. Just my opinion though. The part that bothers me is he kept coming back to me when I’d break it off saying “I can’t believe you don’t want to stay friends, why won’t you talk to me, etc.” In my opinion, close friends (especially when married) don’t sleep together, want to sext and exchange dirty pictures, and of course, close friends tell each other when they’re expecting a baby. To say the least, this relationship or whatever it was, cost me everything. I was so hell bent to hold up that “choose me” stick that I did everything I could to get him to choose me. It didn’t work. I’ve recently started going to several SLAA meetings in addition to continue seeing a counselor working to get this man out of my head and my life. Now, I feel like Im right back where I started after reading that one comment today. It’s my fault. I should’ve never gotten involved with him to start with. I’m not perfect, but I’m working so hard to get out of this horrible situation. It ruined my life and I can only blame myself. Since I couldn’t bring myself to block him from FB, I tried to stay off the site, but would relapse from time to time. Today was one of those days. To be honest, I did have expectations…expectations that he would treat me with the same decency and kindness I treated him with. I know, it’s stupid. Hoping he would start start making the same effort for me that I’d made for him. I had always been his Fallback Girl. Now, I know what rock bottom feels like. He’s now rejected me twice. Once when we were single and dating legitimately and now. This time hurts alot worse because more was at stake. Trying to look at any brightside I can find, at least there’s no where to go from here but up. Just wish it didn’t hurt so much.
Comp,
“However, we all have a right to be treated with respect.”
Yes we do. And to treat ourselves with respect, first and foremost.
I have learned (through BR – thank you!) that we can hardly expect to get respect from what we already know is a very unlikely source. A man who offers you nothing but text messages and asks for dirty sext pics is not a man who wants you or respects you. Quite the reverse.
But more to the point here – I have learned that the the person in my life who must, no matter what, treat me with respect is *me*. We cannot expect to get respect from a man (or anyone) when he sees quite clearly that we have no respect for ourselves. We show people how to treat us; we show them what we are worth. If we show a man we think we are worth jack-shit, he will believe us. Why would he not?
Fearless and Grace,
I’d love your feedback on how I begin to start to even go about putting myself first and respecting myself? I’m sure it would be helpful to others too. I feel that I’ve lost so much of my self worth and respect by being with a MM that I don’t even know where to go from here. Love your comment Fearless…”We show people how to treat us; we show them what we are worth.”
Comp, start respecting yourself by first booting this using asshole out of your life – or out of your mobile phone and social networking. Start by choosing you. Who else is going to do this, if you don’t?
Complicated
Respect may not be what you think it is. The respectful thing for him to do is NOT be your close friend and NOT share the personal details of his marriage with you. The respectful thing for him to do is, in fact, to cut you off. I’m not sure he respects you enough to do that, so it’s up to you to respect yourself and cut HIM off.
Respect isn’t always cuddly, sometimes you have to do the hard thing and boot someone out of your life. It’s for the greater good.
It’s not about being “nice”. Nice is what got you into this mess.
Decency and kindness we all deserve. But not from someone else’s husband.
Hi Complicated,
I’m sorry to hear about what is going on. Fantasy relationships are right up there on the same level of damage/impact as domestic violence/abuse. This guy is totally taking advantage – and he TOTALLY knows it too. How could he not know? But you are also caught in the fantasy too. I’ve been in fantasy relationships before (as much as I wish I’d like to say I was all prim and perfect) and they are extremely hard to let go of because they’re not really there *anyway*.
There’s usually a source problem deep down somewhere that is driving this- it might be fear, it might be not knowing how LTRs work or what to do, it might be a combination – this latest fantasy is probably just the latest surface manifestation of what is a much larger, longer term issue. If it is not dealt with, it is likely to re-appear in another form later – different person, same situation.
Other posters are right – his wife has a LEGAL claim over him, and by what you have said, he is an assclown. This may be very painful to let go, but it must be done. You don’t even have to say or announce anything.
I’d treat this the same way as a break up. I’d humbly suggest a psycologist to see (not a counsellor, but a psych), sign up for NMLs No Contact Rule Mail, block him on Facebook, delete all his messages and contact details from his phone (if you can’t do this, get a trusted friend to delete while you watch), block his phone number, e-mails and anything else. You might feel good for a day or two but the pain will then hit you, so be prepared. Don’t do this on your own – have a psych to help you. Tell them you’ve had a break up, but there’s a larger pattern and go from there.
A total dating and relationship ban for a while may also be a good idea. I’ve been there (not with a married person, but hey the other person was partnered and I was still trying!), so don’t fret. Don’t blame yourself too – forgive yourself, you have a license to make mistakes.
The part that bothers me is he kept coming back to me when I’d break it off saying “I can’t believe you don’t want to stay friends, why won’t you talk to me, etc.” In my opinion, close friends (especially when married) don’t sleep together, want to sext and exchange dirty pictures, and of course, close friends tell each other when they’re expecting a baby.
I’ve been through something similar – it confused the hell out of me as to whether they were a friend or not (‘ do you break up with a friend?), what label the relationship was – there just are not the words. Too busy looking at solving the puzzle pieces as a distraction.
You need to have a guide for your life that only you can write. My guide says this: Friends and Sex do not mix. If they’re a friend, they are not trying to sleep with you. If they want something more, they need to stop being a friend and ask for a date so I can determine whether they (and I) have capacity for something serious. Obviously he has ZERO capacity because he is Married.
THIS GUY IS NOT YOUR FRIEND, THEY ARE A SMILEY PARASITE, A MOLE, A WOLF IN SHEEP CLOTHING, A SMILING ASSASSIN ASSCLOWN. The SMILEY ASSCLOWNS are one of the hardest to detect but also the MOST DANGEROUS after Abusers.
Visualise the deal- what have you signed up to and is it a good deal?
———————–
Married Assclown – Terms and Conditions
———————–
* You agree to hand over your self respect, self-identity
* You agree to keep waiting forever
* We will have no title
* You will be in competition with my wife
* You will only be able to see me when a position in restricted slot opens up
* We will not live together
* Most communication will be done by distance
* I will have access to your body on demand for free
* I will keep you on a rollercoaster while I get on with my life
and have babies etc
* I will lie to you by omission or avoidance techniques
_________ Signed
^^^ This is not a good deal! Don’t sign it, rip it up and burn it!
You sent me a similar “contract” post about a week ago and I taped it up to read repeatedly, but I like this one even better! Thank you, thank you! It’s funny, but in such a dark way because it’s been my life for over a year, even though I didn’t realize it until recently.
I remember my first “affair” with an attached man. I was still a teenager and grieving my first love. At this point, this guy, 15 years my senior, started pursuing me. He “failed” to tell me he was in a long-distance-relationship. When somebody else told me he was attached, I confronted him, but kept seeing him anyway.
Anyway, I dumped him as soon as I moved away from my parents for college. I knew I didn’t want such a “relationshit” anymore, but I still believed I didn’t deserve any better. Afterwards, I dated many guys who weren’t attached but toxic in other ways. Whenever I dumped one of them, I told myself: I DON’T WANT THIS, but it’s all I can have. What is wrong with me? Why am I not happy with the toxic stuff that’s on offer?
I’m sure better things were on offer even back then, but as a child, all relationships I experienced personally were toxic. As a consequence, I tuned out any good relationships I witnessed between other people, because I knew I couldn’t have anything like that with my own parents (or my toxic grandparents and school bullies). It was an act of self-protection.
This contact sounds exactly right! Sadly, I read it, signed it with a heart and xoxoxo’s, and handed it back to him with a big ole’ smile on my face last time (and also $500 to help it get through the month because his wife doesn’t understand and they don’t share money and poor guy is all alone. This was all in the name of WINNING btw, I frankly didn’t care much at this point about his BS claims). I am the one who “ended” it again (third times a charm????) but DAMN IT, it hurts that I let myself go back to try to be chosen YET AGAIN.
Wow, this is amazing. I basically had this contract signed on the dotted line. It’s not a good deal. It’s not a deal I’d want my best friend to take. So why can’t I get it through my head this isn’t something I should want to be in either? I go back and forth between making excuses for him and seeing the real person he is. A really bad person. I’m a good person and don’t deserve this and should want more for myself. Have.To.Move.Forward.
comp,
“I go back and forth between making excuses for him and seeing the real person he is.”
We can all relate to that. I still have days when I find myself wondering if my thoughts about him’ are too harsh! I suffered terrible angst for the longest time trying to figure out just how “bad” he is and if I had him figured out yet! Now, I just don’t think it matters. What I do know is that he is not the man I thought or hoped he was and that his feelings for me were not what I wanted them to be. It seems ridiculous to me now that I could ever have thought/imagined that he was serious (for want of a better word) about me. He plainly wasn’t anything remotely like it!
What helps me now is not to see it as a ‘good guy’ or ‘bad guy’ scenario. I see it more now as simply a ‘very bad situation’ – for me! And I am now just shocked not at his behaviour but at my own denial and avoidance and treating myself as ‘less than’ and not even fully realising that this is what I was doing.
Now I just try to see what is/was actually there – what I was actually getting from it. And I see nothing. It’s hard to get your head around a feeling of terrible loss over what amounts to ‘nothing’. You cannot lose this man – only your hopes and fantasy of what coulda, woulda, shoulda been – if only he had given a shit! (oh, and been a decent bloke, oh, and not married!)
We need to accept that whatever it is we think we want from these relationshits – the EUM/MM does not want it. He is not with-holding it – he is not fighting it! We are simply not what he wants. Full stop. That is the reality we are faced with and it is painful but the sooner we face it the sooner we can get to acceptance. In many ways it’s a relief to stop trying to force someone to want you when they simply don’t. It’s like realising you can actually stop banging your head off this brick wall! The pain can stop – you just need to choose to stop banging your head off the wall.
Fearless, your comment sums up where I’m at right now many months down the NC road. I can see how I kept waving the Choose Me Stick and he was choosing me…not in the way I wanted, however. He chose me on his own terms as long as I played the loving doormat, always up to stroke his ego. That’s been the most difficult thing to get my head around, what amounts to nothing. How do you get your head around nothing? At one point when I broke NC and responded to him, he went on and on how he isn’t trying to forget me. I was stunned because I was trying so hard to forget him. He wasn’t with-holding it, he wasn’t fighting it because he had everything he wanted, a wife and a mistress. We ended up wanting very different outcomes and it ended up in a bad situation for me stuck holding the choose me stick.
Gotta share this. It’s going to rain tomorrow and I needed a new BBQ cover so I bought one I thought looked right. I spent about 15 mins trying to get it to fit. It didn’t fit no matter which way I tried, upside down, right side up, and side ways. After about 10 mins, I realized it didn’t fit but I kept trying for another 5 mins. Then I faced the sad fact, it didn’t fit. I brought back to the store and exchanged it for one that does fit. I wish it would have only taken 15 minutes for me to realize that a MM doesn’t fit no matter how I tried waving the choose me stick, upside down, right side up, and side-ways. It was a bit ironic because we loved BBQing. It didn’t fit. That’s it!
Hi Comp,
“The part that bothers me is he kept coming back to me when I’d break it off saying “I can’t believe you don’t want to stay friends, why won’t you talk to me, etc.”
The bottom line is that you have “more-than-friends” feelings for him (along with the fact that he’s married; that goes without saying).
His wanting to stay friends has more to do with keeping you on tap when he wants an ego massage, sex with someone outside his marriage and to convince himself he’s not the shit he’s been.
I know you’re feeling hurt and addicted, but as you admit being with him has “cost you everything,” use all your will power, strength and sense of self to cut him out of your life. Permanently. I picture the skull and cross bones when I think of this man. He’s poison. Fight for your life. Do it now.
Thanks Blueberry Girl,
I love your comments btw. Everything you said was true. I’m trying to fight. Somedays are easier than others though. Just feel like a stupid fool for ending up as the OW to someone who could either take or leave me…not to someone who actually gave a damn. How could I not have seen up front that he was such a horrible human being. I did everything to get him to “choose me”. All he had to do was give crumbs, which I gladly accepted. Actually, can’t believe I ended up being an OW at all. It’s done and now I’m left to pick up the pieces to something I broke myself…me. I hate this.
I choose ME. I choose ME over crumbs, being treated as an option, and all the other bs that some dish out. And yes it’s being selfish. And it’s okay. It’s OK to be selfish in the name of self preservation. I’ve finally reached this revelation and it feels GOOD. I refuse to be anyone’s doormat or option any longer. I choose ME. Protecting my health and sanity is my right. Thank you Natalie and BR peeps for helping me realize this. *Hugs*
IchooseMe
I concur. Except that I do not think it is selfish at all – not one bit selfish to refuse to be a doormat or an option or treated as ‘less than deserving’. It may be self-preservation but more than that, it is essential in order to live a ‘good’ life and also be good to others. We do no-one any favours by allowing them or others to treat us badly.
My first lesson on BR was if choosing him means you cannot choose you, then choose you – every time. I had never thought of my relationships that way before and that one pearl of wisdom has changed my outlook on many areas of my life. The only person we should be waving a ‘choose ME!’ stick at is ourselves – never again will I wave it about at anyone else. Thanks for BR, Natalie.
Fearless
I am having a fit. I am choosing me but I’m fit to be tied that after all I did for him, he didn’t choose me. That is the bottom line, I gotta choose me and not leave it up to a “him”. Oh, you all and Natalie are so spot on. Frig, rummus frumms, damn, my fate is up to me? I gotta own up to the plate? I want to continue to blame the lying cheating bastard MM. I’ve probably never kicked and screamed so hard as having to face choosing me. Okay. Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll breathe and refrain from kicking his married asrse around the track. Breathe runner, breathe. Sigh!
Runner girl,
You acted in accordance with your values to treat him well. You just chose the wrong person to channel your gracious energy.
I know. It’s a blow when you realize it’s all on you. I’ve gotten myself into more pickles because I’ve ignored obvious signs. Some of them flashing neon, “The Misery Motel.” In retrospect, I’m glad I wasn’t chosen by some of the men I’ve set my sights on. Yikes.
RunnergirlNo.1
choosing to wait for this guy to choose you – choosing this guy – is turning your back on yourself, is letting yourself down, is telling yourself every day of your life that you don’t think you’re good enough for better than this. Why would we treat ourselves this way? Why would we turn our backs on the one person in the world that we should be able to trust to look out for our best interests – ourselves?
It’s like saying to these guys “okay, here’s the problem: I don’t think I am worthy or deserving of your time, your consideration, your care, your respect, your honesty, your fidelity, your presence – even, a phone call even, your love, perchance… I don’t think I am worth any of these things from you – but gonna give me them anyway? I’ll wait. And while I’m waiting and hoping and asking to be chosen I’ll keep on reminding you of what I believe – that I am not worthy or deserving of your love, care or respect. So, when am I getting it? Anytime soon?
I liked Nat’s comment recently to runnergirl (hope she is doing okay!): would you rather be the one that got away or the one that wouldn’t go away?
Fearless, I just love your posts. Thank you for being able to deliver a slap across the face with infectious humor. That whole paragraph about what we’re basically communicating to these guys was so spot on. I can actually hear myself saying it. I loved the, “So when am I getting it? Anytime soon?” part. I shouldn’t, but I so wish he was reading that and knowing that’s the low to which our situation had descended. But you know what? He already knows it, I’m sure. It’s me to which it was news.
I know this Fearless and I’d never, ever, ever go back thanks to you all and BR. I see how clearly I was saying one thing (I want a committed relationship) and doing another getting involved with a MM which is a complete contradiction. My actions did not match words, no matter how I worded it. Thank you Blueberry and Fearless, I checked into the “Misery Motel” and paid dearly for every night. No way in hell I was going to get anything other that what I signed up for cos I signed up for disrespect, dishonesty, and infidelity. Choose Me?
I guess it’s still me I’m angry with. Still working through the grief and I’m eternally grateful for BR and all of you.
Thank god and BR I had the wherewithall to be the one that went away.
This is a really great post!
I wish I would have read something like this as a teenager. It would have saved me from alot of heart ache and pain.
Thank You!
@ grace and stephanie from the last post that I was not able to reply to…i heart you guys too:)….and as far as respect and everyone deserving respect I have to be honest I dont agree: you deserve respect only when you are willing to give it…sleeping with an MM is not respectful to you NOR his wife who is another woman with feelings and vulnerability too…so no offense but get real: unless you are giving respect you have no right to complain about not getting it..right?
I need to put down my chosen stick. I always want my ex to choose me over his new girlfriend the one he cheated on me with by the way. He even came crawling back to me and I foolishly thought he wanted me back but nope he just wanted an ego stroke and a shag. He still contacts me even though he has a girlfriend! I am tired of the choose me stick and I need to put it down once and for all because I am tired of his games! He really isn’t anything special and me hoping he will choose me is a total waste of space. Thanks for this post!
Hi Ollie! The same thing happened to me! I “lost” my EUM few months ago only for him to crawl back saying that he made a mistake. When I made sure he understands that I would not sleep with him and don’t trust him, he turned around and went again back to his girlfriend.
Now, why am I upset to see that she accepted him back? ( she obviously doesn’t read BR lol)
I think we all want to be the chosen one. The one who is picked out of all the others, it’s what we grow up doing all our lives. We want dad or mom to choose us to do something special, we want to be chosen as the teacher’s pet, we want the popular kids to include you in their group. We want to be chosen for the job. With men whom you know are dating you and others you feel a certain amount of accomplishment when you think they have chosen you to be there one and hopefully only. I remember lying in bed with one AC who proclaimed, you’re not my girl yet, because I haven’t defined our relationship. I thought to myself, wow do I want to continue laying in your bed now, what am I doing? We put up with the disrespect because we hope that when we are chosen things will be better. We have to define what we want out of a relationship so we are not disappointed when not chosen, or if it takes so long to feel chosen. Many times because they don’t have to choose they won’t, If were in need of validation in the relationship we are in it for the wrong reasons. I’ve decided that if I want to continue to date and if I choose to become sexual that it’s because I want to not because I want to be chosen.
I think we all want to be the chosen one. The one who is picked out of all the others, it’s what we grow up doing all our lives. We want dad or mom to choose us to do something special, we want to be chosen as the teacher’s pet, we want the popular kids to include you in their group. We want to be chosen for the job. With men whom you know are dating you and others you feel a certain amount of accomplishment when you think they have chosen you to be there one and hopefully only. I remember lying in bed with one AC who proclaimed, you’re not my girl yet, because I haven’t defined our relationship. I thought to myself, wow do I want to continue laying in your bed now, what am I doing? We put up with the disrespect because we hope that when we are chosen things will be better. We have to define what we want out of a relationship, so we are not disappointed when not chosen. If it takes a long time many times it’s because they don’t have to choose, because they can string you along. If we are in need of validation in our relationship we are in it for the wrong reasons. I’ve decided that if I want to continue to date and if I choose to become sexual it’s because I want to not because I want to be chosen.
This is a wonderful post Natalie which summarises the waiting, wishing and stalled living that so many of us have experienced once we’ve lost sight of our own value.
This blog is a daily reminder that we ARE our thoughts. If predominantly we think we aren’t good enough, we end up with someone who treats us as such. It’s a false thought but the obsession with being chosen and therefore validated crowds out and suffocates all others. Before we know it, we are editing ourselves in an attempt that something will strike a chord with ‘the one’ and they will decide that we have finally found the right combination of characteristics and behaviours to suit them. It seems a lot of us have done it and it’s so sad.
The analogy of being willing to be a passenger on a journey, without even really addressing where you’re being taken or in what manner, is perfect and it’s totally empowering exploring escaping this ‘less than’ image of yourself. Personally, I find it useful to imagine saying ‘stop the car please’ and simply opening the door, getting out and walking away. I wouldn’t even say slam the door as I think typically, this kind of dramatic behaviour and attention seeking is the type of negative attention that an EUM lives off.
I really really want all the ladies (and gents?) on here to imagine asking the driver to STOP the car and then to just calmly get out. This is the emotional equivalent of a crooked taxi driver who takes you all around the houses on a trip to nowhere, costs you a whole lot of money and smells of cigarette ash and kebabs. It’s far more pleasant to walk and at least that way you control where you’re going.
Spot on Natalie!
Athena
I like this analogy but it also applies when you’re not being driven around by a taxi driver. Maybe the two of you just aren’t compatible, or want different things (children can be a dealbreaker). It’s okay to walk away from that too. Sure, it hurts but it’s better to make a decision and deal with it than bury your head in the sand hoping that the problem will go away.
It’s scary to me that I have to do more than just be chosen and cling on for dear life. But it’s empowering too and the only to get what’s truly best for me (rather than a few short-term thrills).
Grace
Very true. Some ‘taxis’ are perfectly pleasant but just won’t amount to what we’re looking for or be heading where we want to go. In that scenario, hopefully we can eventually exit with gratitude, dignity and fond memories (meaning either they haven’t plastered the cab with false advertising or we’ve had the wherewithall to spot it!!). Ok I’m done torturing this analogy to death!
It’s so important that we get to grips with what we want (and don’t want). I agree. it’s scary developing the habit of thinking about what you want and holding THEM up to that barometer rather than engaging with this battle to be chosen based on what we think THEY want. Every single one of us has so much to offer – even if we struggle to believe that thought sometimes.
Thanks NML
Of all your posts that I’ve bookmarked, this one resonates the most with me. I’ve got my worklife sorted, but in many ways, in my personal life (not just my relationships), I’m just going along for the ride.
I’ve written on my arm:
Choose, instead of letting life choose you.
And about my ex:
I love the idea of what you could become more than I love me.
Please write more about this.
Thanx
toby
I am *so* confused right now, and any insight would be appreciated. For just over 2 months I dated a man whom I’d met nearly a year ago. From the get go, we seemed to be just what each other wanted – both good communicators, many other common traits….he even came on strong, writing birthday cards that he was looking forward to “many years” with me, I was so loving and supportive and he was so lucky – we had a lot of fun and chemistry -no disagreements yet. He told me he loved me and promptly told me and his friends he was in a relationship. Introduced me to his boss, etc., etc. – appeared the perfect, emotionally available man – a breath of fresh air after the last EUM crazy guy I was with. He planned to take me to this restaurant and on that hike, told me I was the woman of his dreams, just blah blah blah. Because of our chemistry and who he appeared to be, I ate it up. I thought he was my Prince at last.
So – two weeks ago his mom passed away with cancer – a traumatic event to him. Upon coming back from his trip he was totally different to me. I understand some grief….of course….or articulation of needing space, etc. None of that was given – BUT – upon coming back, he planned his Friday night going out dancing with a guy friend (we’d always been together weekend nights) and wine tasting with a woman friend – no advance notice to me. Instead of making it out, he had a random attack on him by a guy in the street, and wound up in the ER. He called me late that night, under influence of vicaden, to tell me about the accident, then dropped the bomb that he didn’t know if he wanted me for a girlfriend any more. No explanation, he was “hurting too much” to explain. I was shocked and unable to sleep. He called last night, and we were going to arrange a face-to-face meeting to discuss all this. I suggested next Friday or Saturday night, and he said, “I will have to check my schedule and see what is happening.” ???
So – I am so hurt. I opened myself to him and trusted him. I’m having trouble reading this. Was he a future faker? Is he exhibiting an irrational reaction to grief? (Though my own father died, and I didn’t feel like ditching over it.) My best friend calls “red flag” for when he called last night he did not apologize for or explain his words last Friday – rather talked to me as though I were a sister.
SO…
That sounds somewhat similar to my ‘ex’ (inverted commas because for nearly 2 years he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me but..not yet). I don’t understand that kind of behavior myself where they go into overdrive making it seem like everything is great only to blindside you with sudden disinterest. Ive come to the conclusion that they do not want a normal adult relationship, but to have someone who is there when they want it and who they can send away when it suits them to do that. Its callous and not very emotionally mature.
Broadsided,
Hi, if this guy hadn’t been so recently bereaved… I would say head for the hills, you’ve had a lucky escape. However, I agree, his mother’s death, two weeks ago,he may still be reeling from that?
His behaviour has been shitty though and your gut is telling you sg here.
Just my take on it, but I’d back off for a while and allow him to contact you. Don’t pursue a meeting with him.
If he’s had a difficult grief reaction then it will settle, you need to decide whether it’s a one off(mum’s death pretty significant) or whether he’s dodgy, a prize future faker.This type of reaction may be how he deals with any stressful life event. Ask yourself is that ok for you ? You choose.
One thing to add, the death of a loved one often makes us question our own mortality, hence ‘the living it up’reaction.
It’s a tough one, you know for sure that he’s staying apart from you just now, believe him. Get on with your life, take care of your needs.
If he returns, you have some careful thinking to do.
Sorry to hear it, Broadsided. Sounds like a future faker and an a**hole, if you ask me. He’s not too busy grieving to go out with his friends, but he can’t even make time for a real conversation with you? His comment about having to ‘check his schedule’ to see whether he can meet with you is rude and arrogant. It sounds as though he wants to break up and is too cowardly to tell you face to face.
Never make excuses for someone’s poor treatment of you. If he comes to you to apologize and offers an explanation, that’s one thing, but when we start to make excuses for someone who treats us badly, it’s a slippery slope–please don’t create some kind of justification for his actions. I suggest that you don’t contact him. If he calls you with anything other than a suggestion that you meet to talk, I would call him on his crap and walk away.
Thank you guys all very much for your straight talk. Points are all well taken. It’s just so unbelievable that someone you think you’re close to and sharing what feels to my radar like authentic intimate times and closeness for a couple of months would do a 180 like that. It’s not normal OR nice. I guess whether it was a blip in the radar due to grief, or just an excuse to hit the “eject” button in an unkind and abrupt fashion, time will tell.
It’s also weird that we both had what we mutuall thought was outstanding, direct communication and he had no trouble verbalizing feelings….until now.
He emailed suggesting we get together Saturday night, but that he’d “call to confirm.” I’ll report back on what actually happens – then anyone else going through something similar might have a heads up as to this bizarre M.O.
I cant help but keep coming back to this website, even when I think the advice doesn’t apply to me anymore.
I was warned not to meet my ‘ex’ a few months back when he appeared saying everything had changed a few months ago. He was as a friend of mine put it “on his best behavior” for three months. I was warily proceeding and it looked good. Until he failed to show up on the day and time we’d agreed upon, the same day he knew I was bringing my sick dog to the vet – she had to be put to sleep
. I tried calling him, messaging him and nothing until seven hours later when he called to say he’d been asleep all day because of an all night drinking binge the night before.
I’m not even hurt or angry anymore, just disappointed that I gave him another chance to let me down. I’m trying to look at why I’m attracted to certain people and Ive noticed an unhealthy pattern of men who may not be addicted to alcohol but they are happy to choose it over a woman they’ve been apparently trying to impress. Then theres the men with possible personality disorders who are flaky and inconsistent with their attention. I can see their flaws and why it wouldn’t work out and in general don’t try to pursue anything once these issues become apparent but I’m starting to wonder if I’m seeking out men who have no interest in developing a healthy relationship, and why would I do that?
I don’t mind being single, I’m not hell bent on finding someone. If I was to start a relationship I want it to be healthy and with someone I care for and who treats me with respect. I don’t think I’m interested in ‘fixing’ the injured puppy, so why do the men who start off seeming so promising, sooner or later turn out to be puppies with a sore paw?
I will share my experience with this one. Sometimes, with mental health issues or “personality disorders”, narcissism, etc…..you don’t see it coming. I didn’t. Many of these guys compensate for it by being very charming and authentic seeming. Much harder to detect than those with blatant bad behavior. I’m not sure you (and me!) are seeking them out – I think I just had a run in with my second guy with hidden mental health issues based on bizarre, out of character behavior – neither me nor my friends could see it coming. I am thinking, it is not possible to see much in advance. The best we can do is pay careful attention and take immediate action when it arises. I don’t believe in “second chances” any more. I gave a guy a second chance who assured me 3x he would not ditch me again, and guess what??? I also am too willing to love, open up and believe. I just paid for this one more time, so next time – not.
Lady Jane,
Hi. Like many of us here you do it because you are/were emotionally unavailable yourself. You may have self-esteem issues which make you settle for these types of shady guys…you don’t think you are worth more. You may have inverted ego issues and want to make them better( I did) and that’s about trying to maintain control over what can sometimes be chaotic, unrewarding or frankly dangerous situations..
It’s not easy accepting at first that it can be about you. I balked at that when I was first on site but the good news is once you gain insight- things get a lot healthier.
With the alkies,and I was with one for a while, it can be about the drama, the highs and lows as well as the feeling that you will be the woman he will quit for?? I know that I was attracted to guys who seemed different, slightly arrogant, slightly out of control, of course this is not a recipe for a productive, contented relationship.
I don’t know whether any of these situations apply to you, but I do know that if you take yourself as a starting point and stay on site for a while, the mist may clear. The awful treatment you describe in your second paragraph is dodgy, unacceptable behaviour and totally a reason to never see the guy you describe again.
Keep on posting
I just received a message from the MM. Yep the one I said wouldn’t come around sniffing now that I (and everyone else in FB land) knows his wife is pregnant. I obviously still have alot to learn. I hadn’t blocked him on FB (yes, I know I need to do this). But, I did block his texts and email account. I know I am only torturing myself by continuing to receive his communications even if I don’t send any of my own. He seems to be trying to view me as a friend here (but he is well aware of my feelings for him):
“Hey, hope ya had a good week. I got home yesterday. Great trip, sad to be home and back to work tomorrow. Oh well. Looks like your sports teams are up to their usual ways. Have a good one. Chat to ya later.”
No different than any other friendly message. Except one little, bitty detail was left out. I’ll be honest, I was tempted to respond and ask “when is she due?” but I didn’t. I deleted. Maybe he’s scared that I”ll go public with details or maybe he was just “fishing” to see if I’d respond after finding out this new information. Doesn’t really matter. Now it’s up to me to do the right thing. If you wouldn’t mind and have a few seconds to spare, please send up some prayers of strength and motivation or positive energy for me to do the right thing and stop ALL contact. If I felt I could do this all alone I wouldn’t be here gathering inspiration from all of you. I know I need to block everything..even his FB and stop trying to fool myself (I have this thought often) that we can just be friends. Going back to Nat’s 30 day NC emails and re-reading. Glad to have this site to write on instead of feeling the urge to respond to him. Thanks for listening.
‘
Ew, Complicated. That text is so surface-y it could have come from anyone. It’s the kind of thing one says to people at work when we run into them in the hall.
“Hey, hope ya had a good week. I got home yesterday. Great trip, sad to be home and back to work tomorrow. Oh well. Looks like your sports teams are up to their usual ways. Have a good one. Chat to ya later.”
I can remember when an email or a text like this would seem like a big deal. A boy is texting me! Who cares, if he’s texting you the equivalent of his weekend report he could repeat around the water cooler?
We take the contact to be the thrilling thing without looking at the content. Well, Complicated, you’re looking at the content now and noticing how much it’s missing. When you’re with an MM you have to have a habit of not noticing all that isn’t being said.
Since the AC (who was the king of saying nothing in a whole bunch of talk), I have gotten zero-content, fluff texts like that from a couple of the single, “available” guys I’ve gone out with. I see it for the shallowness it is. I’ve responded in kind only if I too want to keep things light and surface. In that case I’m happy they’re not probing too deep.
But if I actually care about someone, and hope they’re interested in me, those fluff texts disappoint with their casualness, and signal their casualness, and I know I need to move on.
My God. He is utterly shameless. Can you distract yourself with friends, go out to dinner, bookstore, library, music, cocktails, karaoke?
I’m sorry, Comp, but this text could have been sent from my dead grandmother. It’s that impersonal.
He might be fearful that you will blow the whistle on his escapades, but no matter…block FB, too. He is NOT your friend and you don’t need this mind fuckery. Choose you! Think how great it will feel to be free of him. And it will feel like that eventually, I promise.
Oh Complicated,
I’ll send up a prayer for you and for me and for all of us . Yeah, it’s time to cut all contact with this married AC. He’s got a pregnant wife. If you were the pregnant wife, what would you want you husband to be doing?
Oh, wow. What a jerk. But I know that no matter how lame his message nor how disgusted with him you are, you got a jolt of happiness and a high from seeing his name on your phone. But sweet girl, please see it for what it is. Don’t get sucked in. Seriously, even if he said, “I’ve made a huge mistake and I love you,” the fact of the matter is he has a baby on the way. Ouch. And he didn’t say that; he made some stupid sports comment again. You are worth so much more than this. Please accept that and please don’t respond.
“No different from any other friendly message. Except one little itty detail was left out. I’ll be honest, I was tempted to respond and ask “When is she due?” but I didn’t. I deleted. Maybe he’s scared that I”ll got public with the details or maybe he was just “fishing” to see if I’d respond after finding out this new information.”
complicated, I’ve been holding off making this point because it’s one that would upset me greatly if someone else pointed it out, but here’s the thing:
He probably hasn’t given a SECOND’S thought to whether or not you know or don’t know about his wife’s pregnancy. I honestly don’t believe, from what you’ve said, that the thought has crossed his mind. I don’t think that he thinks about you enough to make the connection between something being public on facebook + you seeing it. In his mind, it’s not important because you and your response isn’t really important.
As far as he’s concerned, he’s with his wife, you know this and that’s that. Her pregnancy or otherwise is, in his head, none of your concern. I suspect that he texted you because he thought “Hmm bored. I know what, I’ll text complicated because I know that she totally loves me cos I’m such a hot sex god. Yeeeeah, hot sex god me” and that was it.
If it’s any consolation, I don’t believe that he cares for his wife all that much either, but if he HONESTLY felt bad about being in touch with you then he wouldn’t be. If you do ‘go public’ he probably has a lovely story in reserve about you being an obsessed psycho ex and he’s never given you a moment of encouragement blablabla. He’d just expect to bluff it out and manipulate everyone – specifically you and his wife – into believing his version of events.
All this effort that you’re putting into thinking about him, he’s probably thinking about ketchup-flavoured crisps or his ingrown toenail for most of the time. This man is no catch. Change your number and cut all contact, please, otherwise you’re going to find yourself with many more years thrown away and with all the recovering STILL to do. xx
Yoghurt, I was thinking about that too.
The pregnancy is neither here nor there, it changes nothing. He wasn’t available before it and he isn’t now. Complicated, I spent last summer feeling anxious and miserable about the MM, I won’t be doing that this summer. How many summers will be ruined for you? We only get so many of them. If you start NC and do all the work on yourself you could really be free by then and have a nice one to remember. Please wake up, life is too short.
Complicated, your time is precious and you can never get those years back. You dont want to wake up, and realize that you have wasted , years and years with this guy. The thought of wasted years is not a good feeling, take it from me. Simply put, If you are really really serious about cutting this guy out of your life, delete him from your facebook.
Im sorry, but IMO, you are not finish with him yet, when you are really done, i mean hit rock bottom, you will not need anyone to tell you to delete him from facebook.
i not inlove with my ex any more i seem the ugly of him he is not a good person . but i been trying for the past year to be in a peace place with him but i can’t no more . it hurt me to accept that my ego was in the wrong place i had wasting my time on someone that don;t deserve it. i want to like clean my soul and spirit to refresh myself from everything i had share with him . i see i was giving him the wrong message when i pick up his call or when out with him a couple of time after we broke up. i am shame hope this shame feeling goes away asap. stay bless
Me again. Hoping to get this all off my chest to sleep peacefully tonight. I really want to be happy for his upcoming arrival of a baby. I mean, having a baby is an exciting time in any married couple’s life and I did/still do care for him even though I shouldn’t. Even though he is an AC. Such an awful situation to be in, but reality is, I have the choice to leave anytime and choose to put ME first. In addition, I’m going to do my best to stay No Contact out of respect for his wife. She did nothing to deserve this. I’m trying to be thankful it’s not me who is left at home pregnant while the husband is out trying to get other women to sext him and chatting them up daily. Hmmm, maybe I should send him a thank you note for showing me who he really is and NOT choosing me to marry all those years ago. I won’t of course, but it was an interesting thought.
When one figures out that the power lies within oneself, it can be life-changing.
Day 2 No Contact:
No sooner had I opened my eyes this morning, the sickness filled my stomach and the anxiety attack (or what I could only assume it was) began. Yep, even though this was going on, I found myself turning over to see if that darn notification light was blinking. Sheer habit. I wasn’t even out of bed yet. Serenity prayer! I’ll say that. After saying it about 100x, I decided to focus on my breathing. Afterall, something has to work…right? Well, I don’t have the option of just laying in bed feeling this way, so I get up. I feel like a hollowed out pumpkin right before Halloween. Who’da thought spending 4 years of waving that “choose me” stick would get me to this point in my life. How can I be so miserable and the MM end up being so happy having it all..a woman he knows is in pain over him and a wife with an unborn child on the way. Part of me hopes he’ll find a way to get through to me or that I’ll become weaker (if that’s possible) and unblock him so I can get the confirmation from him (via text or messaging of course) that she is indeed pregnant. That she was indeed pregnant all this time he was asking me to give more of myself knowing he was keeping that pertinent information from me. He knew it would be the end for me and him, because I can’t do this with a man who has a pregnant wife. Even the OW has standards (insert sarcasm). Maybe in my twisted mind, this self-fulfilling prophecy of him leaving (although he was never really here) was fulfilled. Or maybe he’d still want to continue on with this ‘thing’ we have confirming he wasn’t that great all along and I simply chose to ignore it. I was too busy trying to get him to choose me.
Oof, Complicated you must really like texting.
He’ll be back. Not because he likes you so much but because he really couldn’t GAF. Why should he change whats suits him just because you’re unhappy and his wife is pregnant? He’s not bothered. He’s a …. (insert expletive – I’m trying to give up swearing).
You’ve always had the pertinent information – MARRIED. You’re acting like he’s the first man in the world to get his wife pregnant and he should justify that to you. You have no rights over him at all, none whatsoever. We don’t think so, he doesn’t think so, his wife wouldn’t think so and neither would their child.
Change your number.
Grace, Complicated and all,
So many great comments on this thread.
Complicated, the thrill of the blinking red light does fade but I do remember the fantasy that the blinking red light means he was choosing me. Nope, in reality it was just another crumb text. I don’t stare at my cell anymore or get the jitters if is blinking. But I remember those sad, hollow moments when that’s all there was.
It really finally dawned on me from reading Natalie’s posts and so many incredible comments on this thread that these MM/AC/EUM’s are separate people with separate wants, needs, and problems. The exMM was not feeling my humiliation and despair. I get it finally. He wasn’t even worried about my fantasy or my “choose me stick”. He had what he wanted. A wife, a family, and a mistress. Is all he had to do was throw me a few crumbs feeding my illusion that “one day air traffic control was going to give me the signal that I could land and take up my slot”. Why would he change if I still stuck around in a holding pattern? His problems weren’t the same as mine. That’s a little ahha moment for me. Don’t know who had bigger problems, doesn’t matter.
Complicated, even though the fact that his wife is pregnant seems like a big deal, it may just be the dose of reality needed for you to move on. I hope so for you. I’m betting he hasn’t given it any thought as to how you may feel because he’s married, you knew that, and MM’s have babies with their wives, even when they have mistresses. My dose of reality was that he’d be spending the second X-mas with his wife and family while I spent X-mas waiting for the blinking red light. His experience of X-mas was different from mine. It may be that his experience regarding their pregnancy may different from yours? He has chosen to have a child with his wife.
Hi Grace,
I have always had the right information…I was just choosing to live in denial. Well, I’m back in reality now and feel like I’m in withdrawl from a drug. The trip from fantasy land to reality is a bumpy one. I did this to myself, so now I’m paying the consequences. Hopefully, ill emerge wiser and stronger like most of you have. The only right I have, is the right to be happy. Im choosing me for once.
Complicated and Bri, I’m going to say something to you both that you probably don’t want to hear but must be said because it pains me that not only are you both up to your usual mischief in real life but that you still both press the reset buttons with yourselves and then come here and do it too.
The first step out of denial is for you both to stop acting like you have never been at this point before. Stop pretending that this is fresh, stop pretending that this is a surprise and stop pretending that you both haven’t been at this point before talking the talk. Stop pretending that you’re going to do something and that you want to change – you are not at that point yet.
Stop pretending that you have a relationship – you both give a whole new meaning to the ‘Other Woman’. Neither of you are having an affair – whatever it is that you both think these men are participating in, they *ain’t* participating. You are both having affairs with your ego’s and imaginations. That is it. These men are just props – like cardboard fricking cutouts. These are not affairs.
Let me tell you – when a man (or woman for that matter) wants to screw around and has someone throwing it to them on tap, they’ll take it. These men do not want to screw around – they want some low level entertainment occasionally but they are not leaving their wives. What would they be leaving for? There’s nothing to base a relationship on.
They have tried various means of squeezing you both out and hoped you’d both have the self-respect to take the hint of this crap that’s masquerading for an affair and their even crappier treatment of you and that you’d LEAVE. Fearing conflict and problems in general means that they hope you both just scuttle off instead of turning into Glenn Close’s.
These men have bitten off more than they can chew – this has gotten out of hand and they don’t know how to make you both go away. Quietly. They’re also fucked up enough to derive a certain amount of ego stroking from you both making much ado about nothing.
In virtual terms, you two are both a hop, skip and a jump from pulling a Glenn. One of you thinks you’re having an affair with a man who is fending you off in the office and won’t see you and has a wife, three kids, two of whom are disabled, and the other is stalking Facebook and waiting for an explanation as to why he has stuck his willy in his wife and made her pregnant.
This is pure fuckery.
Remember what Magnolia said – the moment that there is deception, stop everything. You two are out and out responsible for the bulk of the deceiving. Take responsibility! Stop lying! Save yourselves. You two have lied so much you don’t even realise that you’re lying anymore. Please get some help and learn the language of truth – reality, honesty and authenticity.
i don’t see how anyone can have affairs with married people. perhaps for me, its always been a no go territory, though my friend recently quit her job because she is attracted to a married man, who is attracted to her too and has been giving her the ‘signs’ to make a move. if she did make a move, he would be accepting of it, though in his mind, won’t blame himself because hey, she made the move. so my friend doesn’t want to be the cause of potentially ruining someone’s life (his family). in saying that, why are women hell bent on these affairs with these married men. put it in perspective, if these men were to dump their wives for you, would you really trust, that he won’t do the same back to you? why would you want someone with those kinda morals. So i suggest for people who work with married men and have affairs with them, i think it would be best to remove yourself from that environment. also, i think women need to consider the innocent people involved-the wife and children. how would you feel like being in their position. i must say i find absolute distaste in people conducting affairs with married people then complaining about it. he’s not your love/soul mate he’s taken and has a family. leave him alone.
Jasmine,
True. But the MMs are responsible too. No one has an affair against their will. The internet is full of MMs actively seeking out clandestine affairs/hookups/hookers etc. And they do often tell a lot of lies to the OW in order to get what they want.
The wives and children are principally the man’s responsibility as a husband and father.
Mymble,
They may tell lies, but it doesn’t matter. They’re married.
One is not a victim if she chooses to get involved with a MM!
Allison,
Victim is your word, not mine. I dont make excuses for either party. But I don’t feel that women should bear all the blame, or be the custodians of mens morality.
Totally agree with mymble. I used to flirt with attached or married men in the past, even had one or two OST with such guys, and came close to that in a few more cases (shame on me – and truth told, I felt really really crappy while doing that!). But many of those guys simply found another OW candidate as soon as I lost interest in them. Others kept pursuing me against my will which bordered on stalking in a few cases.
Some people tend to blame only the OW and maybe the wife too (!!!), while sparing the cheating husband, claiming he fell victim (!) to the OW’s “seductive skills” and/or to his wife’s “bitchiness”. I call that sexist. Wife and kids are victims, not the cheating husband.
OW situations are just an ugly thing all around. They are a crime, commited by the husband together with his OW as his accomplice. Do you really want to participate in a crime? STAY AWAY.
Nat
This comment is one of your best.
I’m gonna print it off, build a time machine and hand it over to my younger, prettier self. And give her a quick slap round the head while I’m at it (though violence is not the answer).
Hi Nat,
As always, I appreciate your comments and tough love. Where I have to disagree is when you said: “In virtual terms, you two are both a hop, skip and a jump from pulling a Glenn.” I realize this was probably said as tongue-in-cheek, but struck a cord with me probably because I’ve been so passive about this whole situation and ended up feeling like a doormat (yes, I know, I allowed myself to be treated this way). I may have deceived myself into thinking this man cared for me based on his words and crumbs (no actions), and while I obviously was in Fantasy land hoping this would be my happily ever after, I was in my own head. In addition, I am taking responsibility for my own actions and feelings by attending LAA meetings, reading, blogging on this site, blocking him and doing my best NOT to relapse this time. Most addicts of any type relapse between 7-9 times before recovering. Obviously, I have been powerless over my fantasy and affections of this man for years (Fyi..first step in LAA recovery is admitting this) and now working on the steps to make myself better and face the reality so I can have a true relationship based on “reality, honesty and authenticity”. I realize this is not a self-help website, but those that have chosen to be non-judgmental along with others who share their similar stories have given me more insight and wisdom along this journey. I recently started reading the book “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood, which talks about how many of us have been “”Man junkies” and we need to admit the severity of our problem before we can begin to recover from it”. This was definitely written for someone like me. I am not perfect and have never claimed to be. One day, I look forward to finding myself in a better place, free of this fantasy.
Complicated, if only you wrote more comments like this, consistently, how different things would be. It’s all very well taking exception to what is being said or feeling ‘judged’ which I think is quite unfair considering that you are by far the most replied to and supported commenter on this blog. Ever. You may think I’m a pain in the arse or dislike others or whatever – before you judge, you might want to take a second or few to consider why so many people have rooted for you, shared, and yes, even expressed their outrage. Nobody wants or expects any brownie points – it’s only you who has to expect anything of you so instead of making snarky comments about “those that have chosen to be non-judgmental”, it may be better to focus on the positives. Just because people aren’t saying what you want to hear, doesn’t mean that they’re mean or don’t care.
Anything said to you here is based on what you present. The commenting facility provides an opportunity to add to the subject of the post – over the past 72 hours, you have made no mention of any of these things that you’re doing. Instead, you blazed in after an absence with this whole pregnancy thing and revisited this whole thing in much the same way as previous times. You talk about receiving texts, analysing the rather mundane message, checking Facebook, wanting to play the game of trying to get him to admit that his wife is pregnant etc etc. Why *aren’t* you talking about all of this stuff that you’re doing like the LAA? Don’t you think it would help you? Don’t you think it’s something great to share?
No, because, and you’re not the only one that does this, it feels better to whip yourself up over these shenanigans.
And I should add – it’s not that you have to share this stuff you’re doing but if you’re going to burn up airtime talking about this other stuff, accept responsibility for that also.
If you want people to talk about something different and to have a different perception of your situation, talk about something different. If you burn up the comments with all of this drama over the texts, pregnancy, that is what people have to work from. It shouldn’t take me saying something for you to do the whole ‘Er, actually, I’m doing this, this, this and this’. I am not a mind reader – I couldn’t even begin to glean this stuff from your comments. Good for you taking responsibility and good for you helping yourself. I already know that behind what you have presented here or even convinced yourself that you are or have been, is a woman that deserves better than what she’s been giving herself and has been given by others who have only been too happy to take advantage of your hands being off the wheel and your eyes being off the road in your own life. Good luck and take care of you.
I have a good friend who has supported me through my entire saga, and he says, consistently, although I won’t do it justice here, that we are not our stories. That the story that I wasted bla bla amount of time and am limited and inadequate and there’s this vast distance that must be traveled to be whole — is false.
He says that we *already are* powerful, we already are whole, and we already have access to vast riches we’ve delegated or ceded to validation from , love from, something external.
So our broken or limited stories we share here, yes they’re real and honest, but they are a function of not understanding what truly is. He says change feels like it is this huge, daunting, exhausting undertaking, but actually could be instantaneous, if we woke up to the truth of our power and infinity.
Last night he came over and we did sitting meditation. I can feel that he’s right, but it’s so scary to give up the repetitive story of self. What if everything was *already okay*? That it just took a shift of perception?
Just to tie this to the thread, what strikes me is that we post here, as best we can, entrapped in our stories and stuckness. We present, while believing it entirely true, our smaller selves, our limiting stories. My friend believes we already are what we so much wish we could become or have delegated to our EUMs to supply for us. We just need to wake up. That validation and love and acceptance and wholeness we are seeking is already ours, and always has been.
Natalie, I am rolling with laughter at what is not supposed to be a funny post, because you just summed up exactly what I think was going on in my MMs head. I have thought the same things (and even said some of them to him in moments of utter frustration), only to be reassured that the thought had never crossed his mind that I might turn on him. Ha. I even compared myself to Glenn Close, saying I wouldn’t go that route. Thank you for your brutal honesty. Sometimes that’s what we need to see the light, and our scared MMs aren’t going to be the ones to deliver it.
Ok… so the thing is, the pity parties I have thrown for myself aren’t working anymore because I realize that there was a moment in my relationship with my MM, where I decided to go against my morals, against my better judgement, against my heart pounding out of my chest warning me to RUN and I jumped into something. From “that” moment on, I was no longer Little Red Riding Hood being lulled in by the wolf. Oh no… from that moment on I became an accomplice.
And the biggest revelation for me in my journey of getting over this was realizing my own ugliness. My own unavailability. My own unwillingness to live my life to the fullest. My own lack of being the girl who got away and becoming the one who wouldn’t go away. I thought he owed me something. But it’s been said, I signed a contract to nowhere.
And now I find myself blaming it all on him. Are these guys wolves?! YES! But are they taking us hostage? No! We willingly went along for the ride, we seen that things weren’t right, we weren’t being treated right, this situation was shady. We felt the uneasiness, we cried ourselves to sleep and yet we still got in the “car.”
So now that it’s become unbearable… who are you going to blame? Him… or you? Which person has control of you? Which person should have control of you? Are there people out there that will use and abuse you if you let them? YES! Are we supposed to learn to protect ourselves from them? YES! I remembered in the very beginning of my “non- relationship” with a MM, I actually said to him… “you need to protect me by going away…” he said, “that is ridiculous, how can I protect you if I am not around?” What he didn’t understand is that I was asking HIM to protect me from himself. I knew he was going to destroy me. I knew his charm… I knew I would fall in love and that he wasn’t available and in the end there would be pain. I KNEW! Ugh! And so I handed over the power of protecting myself TO THE WOLF. No wonder I didn’t make it.
So you know what…. I’m sorry but the pity parties have to stop. The real work of taking ownership of our choices has to begin. That is the only way to handle this situation. Cut it off, Cut it out… and fix ourselves. Over analyzing… etc etc…we just drag out the process. The only ones responsible for this mess are those of us who decided or keep deciding to go along with it.
Reality, I could’ve written that post, it was so similar to what I’ve been thinking. Wolves in sheeps’ clothing, the snake we pick up not expecting to bite us, etc. I basically gave my MM a user guide entitled “How To Manipulate Blindsided” early in our relationship when I was explaining my vulnerabilities and how I’d messed up past relationships. But then I was outraged when he actually used what I’d given him to his advantage.
I’m unavailable too, which is why I keep pursuing these guys and have always found the sweet men blasé. I just hope all of us who are in this situation can work out our issues and get better. Reading this blog and Nat’s book are helping, but I’m the “smash and grab” type who wants what I want RIGHT NOW. I need to change my expectations and be more patient. Thanks, all.
Thanks Nat! Half the time I feel like my comments are all over the place too. Kinda seems like sometimes I have several streams of consciousness occurring all at once and can’t get them out fast enough haha.
Up until this article I have always agreed 100% with Natalie. However, I disagree on this one regarding waiting to be “The Chosen One.” In my personal experience and what other women have shared with me about theirs, it is the MALE who CHOOSES whether he is going to be in a relationship or not. It is NOT the woman. When was the last time any woman told the guy “I’ve decided that you’re the one for me, I’ve chosen you, we are now in a relationship and will stay in it ’til death us do part”?!
I can only speak for myself, but I can definitely say that although I am very assertive outside of a romantic relationship with a male, when I am in what I believe to be “relationship” or in “the early stages of a what I believe may become a relationship” (which I define as regular and consistent dating, going out with the person at least one night in the middle of the week and spending Friday evening through Sunday morning together), I ADAPT myself to the guy. I do this NOT because I’m a wuss (at least I don’t think that I am), but because I don’t like to pursue the guy – so I LET HIM INITIATE the contact. I also don’t like lazy guys who expect the woman to do the “courting,” so I let HIM plan the dates, although if there is some place that I would like to go to or a movie that I’d like to see, I let him know in a nice way. I also “adapt” myself to the guy in the sense that I don’t initiate calls to him (although I do return calls promptly, since I was raised to believe that delaying returning calls to people is rude). I definitely, with few exceptions, do not email the guy (I expressly tell them that I am a phone person and that I don’t communicate via emails unless it’s to send directions to a place or send a link to a social activity or event we might both enjoy going to, and that type of thing). I don’t text at all (it’s too impersonal – so if he’s interested in me, he can PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL ME!). I also do NOT ASK ABOUT WHETHER WE ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP OR WHETHER THEY LOVE ME OR ANY OF THAT NONSENSE. This is what I mean by adapting myself to the guy; in other words, I LET HIM TAKE THE INITIATIVE and I wait to see if he is going to initiate the “I love you talk.” I do, however, say from the get-go that if we progress to physical intimacy, I expect monogamy out of basic mutual respect and consideration for each…
This sounds a lot like morphing, shaping, bending, twisting. I take a gender neutral approach, both should be seeing whether its what they want.
Anne
I think men would say the opposite. It’s women who choose. The truth is probably somewhere else.
For someone who is waiting to be chosen, you are doing a lot of controlling – he has to do this, that or the other. You have to do (or not do) this, that or the other. Sounds a bit stressy. I’ve done all that stuff myself but my best relationships (and I did have a couple that were all right until I sabotaged them) didn’t start out with anyone pursuing anyone else. It was mutual.
The one that broke my heart – he pursued me. Took me out, wined me, dined me, paid for everything. I no longer see it as indicative of anything other than a fat wallet.
And no more adapting for me, I’m not a chameleon.
Still, good call on the emails and texting.
I’m back here again. I had to re-read this post as a reminder about my current situation. I’ve been waiting a year for him to see the light and choose me but it’s never going to happen. I’m right back at point A feeling really stupid for breaking NC and accepting him back. He lied again,skipped town to visit his ex again. I did not see it coming and only learned about it due to my superb intuition and investigative skills. He didn’t tell me shit! I feel like a fool. I am a fool. I should have left him alone months ago.
He is never going to choose me! Why would he when I’m so willing to give him everything for nothing?
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