A word of warning. You are learning some very powerful insights and wisdom about relationships. Very few men will ever be as wise, when you meet them. Please be kind and optimistic!

@ somethingsomethingsomethingdarkside,

The fantasies may at the same time be expressing your body’s need for a sexual relationship, and also your wish to return to a “better” time – or validation that you are worthy of being loved and cherished. The validation from him won’t be coming, and I hope you are “taking matters into your own hands” for the other.

Fantasies and desires are gifts given to us. We can shape and use those fantasies when we wish, so that they better serve our lives. You might imagine turning the table, of being the giver and doing the caressing sometimes. Focus on your feelings and sensations, and ignore his face. Be open to apply other faces, imagine other partners.

And don’t forget that fantasies and dreams can teach us a lot about ourselves. You might try capturing these fantastic encounters in a journal. Perhaps you can gain some insight from the details, the sequence, and from your actions and reaction. But keep it personal. And secret. Unless it turns out you have a flair for capturing erotic images – which might be the start of a whole career! lol!

The fantasies fill a niche in your life, where you need comforting and to be cherished. That has to be good, and good for you. As for the physical side, sadly most any movement will lessen that part of the focus – dance, Tae Bo, Karate, Judo, or other martial arts class, or Yoga or other exercise class. The martial arts direction has the benefit of teaching you to handle dangerous situations (mostly by recognizing how powerful it is, to run away when you can, to resist always, etc.). Both exercise and martial arts classes build strength, agility, camaraderie with the class, and self esteem and confidence.

“Handling” the situation will work things out, too.

Enjoy!

I too still think regulary about my ex eum nearly 12 months after he walked out suddenly without so much as even a post it note. Both how the relationship actually was and how I perceived it to be, the loving caring side I thought it was. I’ve managed 8 weeks of NC – the most ever, but it was broken today by me, still not even sure why, some rubbish excuse over wanting to borrow a cd disc. But the difference this time is that I am not going to beat myself up over it, I think the fact that i have rebuilt a life without him, focusing on me, have helped, i have new and old friends and interests and i am genuinely starting to like ME.

For me he was the first man I loved in a very long time. Now all my walls are up. I tried online dating for awhile but I don’t like it for all the reasons that NML discussed. Focusing on yourself while you’re grieving your way through this is a good thing. It’s better then to go out and try to find a rebound man.

There aren’t any rules on how to get over someone. One day at a time. Some days will be great and some won’t. Just know that you’re not alone. I’m five months into NC with a few breaks in between. I’m glad you’ve not allowed him back into your life. I won’t make that mistake again myself.

Keep on keepin on.

When it occurred in reality between us, I will admit that there was an amount of sweet talk, soft caressing, and embraceable body language, but there’s MUCH, much more in these late-night, early morning fantasies, and mainly the way I’d want it to be from this point in my life with him (I was too inexperienced back then). When we made love in reality, I was only satisfied to a certain degree with it and almost every time felt more like a booty call than anything else, and I’d never orgasmed because 1, it was too quick for me, and 2 I know I lacked a particular amount of comfort with him for one reason or another. I believe that I’ve accepted at this point in time that no amount of speaking to him, trying to get through to him, or even ALLOWING him to speak to me will work on him, and because I don’t believe any of it will come to any good, I’m in fact so withdrawn I’d rather not speak to him at all because I believe he’d use each and every opportunity to somehow regain his power in my life and manipulate the situation to commence re-stealing my self-esteem.

Do you all think these fantasies are normal at this point in the grieving process?

I know there are decent, good, available men out there, it just seems to be a bit of a challenge to locate them.

I suppose I got caught up in the posts last night with the stories about the assclowns the ladies were meeting . It just seems like there are so many men out there who are not capable of anything more than sex, almost like they’re machines. I think it’s very sad for all concerned.

No more negative talk!

good luck

That was the last thing I needed in my life! What I needed was to get my feet firmly planted beneath me, and stand back up again. Not only stand back up, but to start reaching for the stars. For the first time in my life I began sweeping out the garbage that had built up around my heart, instead of leaving it there and just piling more and more on top of it.

Then and only then, will I be able to have the relationship I am looking for.

searchingwithin’s last blog post..Is Your "Attraction Radar" Broken?

Of course there are normal men otherwise, what do we do? Feel disheartened and say ‘Screw it, I might as well take what’s on offer because everything is crap’? Resign ourselves to misery and negativity? Absolutely not.

Astelle – That makes the assumption that all Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns have physical relationships. It also assumes that you can’t have a physical relationship with someone you met online. Online is just a virtual meeting place. It’s no different to going to a bar, only there are a lot more fish in the sea and you can be who you want to be.

I know I have some more work to do. I’m still a work in progress. One thing I have noticed is that the men I used to be attracted to were so obviously unavailable, it’s not even funny. Huge egos, extremely vain, very focused on women’s looks, and all around “too much” in their personalities. I think I attracted and was attracted to these guys in the past because I didn’t feel very good about myself. Their attention (which they gave to anyone that craved it and would stroke their ego) boosted my ego.

This past month, two of these guys either came to visit me for a weekend or invited me away for a weekend (under the guise of “friendship”). Wow – what an uncomfortable set of weekends they were. I found myself no longer drawn to them and saw them as overgrown man children. Additionally, these men were not saying to me “I am interested in you, and want a relationship” – no they were just hoping they’d get a little “nookie” on the side and wanted to keep playing around. Don’t get me wrong, I understand often men don’t come right out and say “I want us to date or I am interested in you, how do you feel about me?” – I understand they look for signals from us.

However, both of my situations – these guys were just waiting for me to give them the signal so we could what – fool around? Have sex? One lived 5,000 miles away and the other one talked endlessly about all the other “women” in his lilfe. Neither one made sense. Add to that their personalities which I found unappealing – it was a difficult set of weekends.

On the one hand it makes me feel good that I’ve grown and am not attracted to what used to appeal to me.

However, this past weekend I found myself attracted to a quiet guy that had not much to say and was a bit standoff-ish. At first I felt very attracted but then I remembered I had banned myself from men through at least February. Normally I would have begun chasing this guy. Finding ways to chat with him, flirting, etc… Instead I sat on my hands (and fended off my “date” for the weekend) and just observed my feelings and tried to figure out why I was drawn to this “quiet” guy.

I really think he seemed like a challenge to me. He was attractive and bright. But once I observed that he really had not much to say at all, didn’t seem very interested in anything going on around him except for his computer and whomever or whatever was commanding his attention, and that he wasn’t noticing me at all or trying to get to know me better – his allure began to fade.

I realize that he may not have been another EUM, maybe he was just shy. But just the act of stepping away from the attraction was a good exercise for me. It made me realize that it felt fine, actually quite good – not to be chasing someone.

As the loud, egotistical types have been a turnoff for me lately, I thought I wanted a quiet guy. Truth is, I am not sure what I want yet. I think I need to just give it more time and focus on building and living a healthy life. I was going to sign up for internet dating next week but I think I may put that plan on hold.

Thanks for the post. I hope to continue with recovery!