He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me?

One thing I have never understood is the guy that realises he loves you after you leave him or better yet, after you leave him for someone else. Not only have some of my girlfriends experienced this phenomena but I have as well. These guys are in a league all their own. They are notorious for “freaking” out when you announce to them that you are leaving the relationship.

If you have experienced this, you know what I am talking about. One day, you decide you have had enough of waiting around for the relationship to advance and you hit the high road. Then all of a sudden, neon lit signs are flashing “I really do love you” all around only to leave you wondering, where the heck were you before?

I was with someone like this for a full year and a half. Over the course of our relationship he would make it known that he didn’t feel the same way about me. He never once said he loved me and at times was downright cruel. One night, I asked him flat out if he loved me. His response was “Well, I care about you but I don’t know if I am in love with you.” Frankly, that was all I needed to hear at that point to make my decision. What followed was a rocky, on the edge relationship that barely hung on. Shortly after, I met someone very special and announced to my boyfriend that I no longer wanted to be with him.

Read more

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

When He’s Not in the Mood for Sex

There seems to be a lot of focus on women not being in the mood for sex these days. Everything from television sitcoms, magazine articles, talk shows, and books deal with low sex drive in women. But what if the problem is the man? Women are taught at an early age that men are sex machines; driven by animalistic instincts to have sex whenever and wherever possible. After all, a man would never turn down sex right?

Wrong. Men are just as at risk for low libido as women. However, it’s a “problem” that seems to be overlooked. Statistics say that 20 to 25 percent of men suffer from a low sex drive. If these numbers are correct, there are a lot more women suffering than we realise. When our partners aren’t in the mood over a period of time, this can have a devastating effect on a relationship as well as for the person being constantly rejected. Before you panic, take heed as there are many reasons for low libido in men.

1. Stress and anxiety. These are sex zappers. People react to stress in different ways and it is not uncommon for a stressed person to not feel in the mood. Job, family, money, and health can all make sex take a back seat. Often when the source of stress or anxiety is eliminated, sex will return.
2. Medication. There are numerous medications that cause low libido as a side effect and some of them include antidepressants, anti-anxiety, Propecia (for hair loss) and some heart medications. Ask a doctor if similar medications with less sexual side effects are available. For instance, Wellbutrin has the least sexual side effects of all the antidepressants.
3. Boredom in the bedroom. As couples lose the “warm fuzzies” of a new relationship, sex can often become boring. If this is the case, it’s time to introduce something new. I don’t mean that you necessarily have to swing from the chandelier (could be fun though!) but bringing in a new sex toy, some dirty talk, or video, might be just what you both need to get the juices flowing. No pun intended.
4. Body Issues. Women forget that men can have body issues just as we women do. If he is focusing on his beer belly more than you, you can pretty much guarantee no sex. Bad body image usually goes hand in hand about how one feels about sex. Often getting a simple exercise regime will help this. If the issues go deeper, its time to seek therapy.
5. Infidelity. Sorry ladies but this has to be mentioned. If he is getting it somewhere else then he may not be interested in getting it at home. Certainly this should not be the first thing that you think of when sex drive has gone down however, if there are other signs that he may be cheating, you may want to investigate further.

It is also important to note that low libido is not the same as sexual dysfunction. A low libido means one has low interest in sex while sexual dysfunction is the lack of response to sex; for instance, inability to have an erection. While these are two different issues, sexual dysfunction can be another reason for low libido in men.

Certainly the above list is not conclusive but they are some of the reasons your man may not be ready to roll in the hay. It is important to remember that like all things in a relationship, sex can wax and wane. If the relationship is for the most part healthy, meaning there are no underlying emotional issues one has with their partner, a short break in sex isn’t the end of the world. In fact, it can make the next time, that much more exciting.

This post was contributed by Rose City Girl. She’s a fine food and wine loving mixed media artist that travels a lot and stays away from men that mistreat her!

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

The No Contact Rule

If you are not acquainted with the No Contact Rule, now is the time. The ‘No Contact Rule’ is established for the following reason; an inability to cut off a relationship that is over.

While the rule may sound simple, let me tell you, it’s not, which is all the more reason to enforce it when possible. Breaking up with someone can cause a rollercoaster of emotions including anger, frustration and large amounts of pain which is all the more reason to get away as soon as possible from the source that is causing it. Relationships can be dragged out for months and in some cases years when one or both parties stays in continual contact even though its obvious that the relationship is long over.

How to abide by the No Contact Rule

1. No calling. Period. I don’t care if your cat ran away; your house burned down or if your car dumped you on the side of the road. Drama is not a reason to stir up a phone call to the ex. Drunk dialing is big no-no as well. If you feel like calling, call a friend until the feeling passes.
2. No sex. I know giving up a relationship means giving up sex, but it’s a dangerous recipe to continue intimate relations with an ex. Not only can you become dependent on this closeness but it keeps you in the dark ages on the “get over him” timeline. That’s what vibrators are for.
3. No spying. You would be amazed at how many women I have known that take it upon themselves to do a quick drive by of the ex’s house. This can satisfy that craving to know if he is home or out on the town with the boys. Worse case scenario you see a strange car outside and your imagination hits an all time high. Don’t do it. This can cause an emotional phone call (see #1) to your ex. Besides, blabbing to him what you saw will only make you look psycho. Not good.
4. No information sharing through friends. If you the two of you have mutual friends, don’t volunteer information to them in hopes they are going to tell your ex. It is tempting to want your ex to know that you won the million dollar lottery or just met the man of your dreams but it benefits neither one of you in the end. If your friends are blabbing, ask them nicely to keep your personal information to themselves.
5. Get rid of temptation by deleting your ex’s phone number from your mobile/cell phone (this will prevent drunk dialing) and block his email address. This adds more security layers to the No Contact Rule in an age of technology.

The No Contact Rule exists to hasten the healing process. By dragging out the end of a relationship, it only delays you from happiness in the future. It is important to allow yourself time to mourn the end of the relationship but keep the no contact rule in place. It will be hard at first but the longer you go, the easier it gets. Remember, practice makes perfect. If you find that you slipped up on any of the above, don’t beat yourself up. It’s never too late to start fresh. Remember, no contact means NO CONTACT. It’s the first and most important step to moving on. Now, go get started!

This post was contributed by Rose City Girl. She’s a fine food and wine loving mixed media artist that travels a lot and stays away from men that mistreat her!

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Women Who Don’t Leave

Lately, I have been thanking my lucky stars that I had the guts to walk away from my now ex-husband. He was quite the piece of work in the cheating department - See my post titled “I Married a Serial Cheater”. It was the best decision I could have done for myself.

A good friend of mine and his wife live in a neighbourhood that would rival most television reality shows. Every week he sends me the latest gossip via email. Sadly, one couple in particular usually makes the headlines.

Apparently, the husband has quite the problem with keeping his zipper in the up and locked position. The worst part is that she is totally aware of this. Over the years there have been numerous instances of his wife finding out about his affairs, but she continues to stay.

One time, she was in his office at work waiting for him to finish up with a business meeting. She didn’t have to dig very far as she found seductive emails from some anonymous woman on his computer. Within the same 5 minutes, she found some woman’s name written on a piece of paper that even had the bar’s name where they met. I guess this was in case he got his women mixed up.

My friend told me the wife was really fed up with his cheating (this time) and was finally going to leave her husband. I was overcome with joy. Finally! She was going to leave the bastard. Alas, it was not so. He begged her to stay for the umpteenth time and bought her a new car and a trip to Hawaii just to make up for it. They went to couple’s counseling and he even quit drinking just to show her he was dead serious this time.

All had been quiet on that front until last week. He had arranged a “business” meeting overseas and was calling her a few days prior telling her how much he loved her and that he was a changed man. She thought this behavior was a bit off and being the paranoid wife that she is now, and forever will be; she searched his luggage before he left. She found 400 dollars worth of cash and 2 condoms in an envelope. Not a good sign.

She says if the condoms are gone when he gets back, she will leave him. Huh? For the love of fidelity, why wait until then? What more proof than that do you need? We hear stories of women putting up with mud sniffing pigs for years with evidence that is so undeniable, it becomes laughable.

I realise we all have breaking points but when is it time to say enough is enough? Are we that afraid that this is all there is? Are we so afraid of the unknown that we can’t even conceive of a life without a man in it?

I know of instances where women believe their husbands or boyfriends will change if only they were skinnier, better in bed, get a boob job etc. The reality is that these men are hardwired to cheat. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They have a problem. However, by staying with these types of men, it reinforces the message that we will tolerate their antics over and over. We can only change this by walking away and believing we are worth more and deserve more.

This post was contributed by Rose City Girl. She’s a fine food and wine loving mixed media artist that travels a lot and stays away from men that mistreat her!

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

So You’re Ready to Live Together

Cohabitation in any relationship signifies a major jump in commitment. When two people decide to live together, it is obvious that the relationship is strengthening and moving forward. Living together can sound like a fun and practical choice but no matter how you think of it, combining two people’s lives can be a challenge. Even what seems like the simplest of tasks or minor habit can cause conflict in cohabitation bliss.

It’s important to work out the possible snarls as early as possible when moving in together. Who does the dishes, the laundry and walks the dog? Who pays the bills and how? Do we split household costs down the middle or is it according to who makes more money? What do we do with two couches and which one goes?

Before I moved in with my boyfriend, we spent a few nights here and there together. Most of my belongings were in a tiny carrying case which I brought over and stuffed in the corner of the bedroom. Then a few nights together became five nights until we finally were spending every night of the week together.

Before long, we had the “talk” and decided moving in was only natural since I was there every day anyway. Everything was fine until reality set in. I had a whole house full of belongings and so did he. In fact, I had purchased a new bedroom set only six months prior. Things got pretty touchy when the subject of selling my stuff came up. After all, why did I have to sell MY things? After some heavy discussions, it was decided that we would keep my set (mine was newer and fancier) and he would sell his. Let me tell you, we spent several hours on this one topic. Needless to say, it was exhausting.

It is important to realise that there will be compromise and adjustments for both parties involved. Please don’t leave these topics for discussion two days before the big move (like we did). Moving is stressful enough. You should both have a good idea of each others expectations. Sit down in a neutral environment, preferably a quiet restaurant and make a list of all the things that the two of you will have to consider at some point; money, space, personal belongings, household chores, nights out with the guys/girls etc.

Read more

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Real Life - I Married a Serial Cheater

In 1996, I fell in love with a man and married one year later. I knew with all my heart that this was the person for me. He had all the qualities that I was looking for and then some. I thought it was a dream but what the next 8 years brought me, was actually a nightmare.

In hindsight, “J” was a con artist, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He was a very dangerous person and had I listened to my gut and paid attention to all the red flags over the years, I could have saved myself a lot of pain.

One year into the marriage, I was in his office working on his computer. This is when instant messaging was brand new; few people were actually using it. Since I was the one that introduced the program to him, obviously, I knew what to look for. Then, there it was. You know that little flashing light at the bottom of the screen. The funny thing was I was terrified to click on it. I felt I was opening up a can of worms. Something told me to do it. I clicked on the message and the words “just thought I would tell you that I LOVE YOU” glared across the screen.

I remember a sick, all encompassing body shock. I sat like a giant boulder looking at those words until he returned. He never even had a chance to say one word; I walked out, got into my car, went home and packed his things for him. There wasn’t anything he could say or do. The evidence was damning. Later, I found out she was a married woman with two kids in the neighbouring town.

He lived in a hotel for one week before I decided to let him back. However, the rule was that go into counselling. We saw a counsellor but we really didn’t like him. As time went on, I still felt uncomfortable but he managed to sweep the incident under the carpet. Somehow, he convinced me that she was some psycho woman that was crazy for him and the band (yes, he was in a band).

A couple of years later we moved across the country to start a new life. The drama had ended, or so I thought. He joined a local band that frequently travelled out of town on the weekends. I spent most weekends alone until his return late Sunday nights. I never questioned this lifestyle because he never wavered in his actions. He always called me when he said he would and he was always available when I called. There were no mystery “black out” periods. He was good at what he did.

One Friday night, he had left to go on the road and accidentally forgot to log out of his email account. Once again, I clicked only to find several emails to the same woman. None of the emails were damning but of course, considering what we had gone through in the past, it was pretty bad. I confronted him when he returned. I told him that if I ever found anything more than this, I would divorce him in a New York second.

Little did I know, that it was the tip of the iceberg. Three years later, I found out about his double life. I took one look at the phone bill and it revealed a horrible story. Endless late night phone calls to several phone numbers as far back as I could see.

I was at work when I found out about his secret. I secured myself in a private room and started to dial the numbers. Some of the girls admitted to sleeping with him and others hung up on me. When all was said and done, my investigations revealed 8 affairs in 8 years of marriage. One of them was even nice enough to tell me that *he* told her, he never used a condom with any of his “girls”. Even she knew about his double life.

I kicked my husband out of the house, divorced him and never looked back. It was apparent he had a fundamental personality problem and I wanted no part of it or him. After 2 years of weekly therapy, a lot of wine and that good old thing we call time, I can honestly say, I have recovered and moved on to better things.

I have heard through the grapevine he brags about his new found honest life and has changed for the better. I have my doubts. My gut tells me he hasn’t changed a bit and this time, I am listening.

This post was contributed by Rose City Girl. She’s a fine food and wine loving mixed media artist that travels a lot and stays away from men that mistreat her!

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!