Bachelor Pad 201: How to Keep on Thinking He’s ‘Mr. Suave’

December 13, 2005 by Special Dark

Everyone wants to give you tips on the first date or the first kiss but is anyone advising you on your first visit to where he lives? Probably not. Never fear though, that’s why Special Dark is here.

First off, you need to know that going into a man’s apartment, house, adobe, teepee, or whatever, can be a very important signal that he’s comfortable enough to let down his walls and create an opportunity for real intimacy. I mean, you could potentially see all his dirty laundry (and I mean that quite literally)!

One caveat to this, is that some guys don’t really have walls or safeguards so don’t get excited if one of these “open” guys let you in. Guess what, he probably does that with everybody. You’re not special.

In contrast there are other guys that act standoffish because that’s what they think women want (and some do), so an invitation into his inner realm may just be a prefabricated pretense to catch you off guard by acting “vulnerable”. I salute both of these types of men but these are not the populations that I want to address right now. I’d like to talk about the rest of the guys out there who, inviting a woman back to their place, is just as exciting (bristling with sensual possibilities) as it is frightening (having his true self rejected out-of-hand just because he has a hand-knitted sex swing with the accompanying 14 x 10 foot mirror attached to his ceiling).

What you have to understand is that, by the time you arrive at his lair, your man has worked extraordinarily hard to lure you this far. Maybe he’s bought dinners, or listened to you drone on about your friend’s mother’s cousin who’s getting married and didn’t ask your college roommate’s niece to go or, worse still, he may have even had to endure a romantic comedy. I mean the whole thing. Yikes!

So he’s put in time, money and resources into bagging you and if you are disgusted by his bachelor pad, that’s it… game over. Even men know that most women (except for a select group of freaks out there to whom I salute) would never “get-it-on” in the nuclear wasteland of a pig sty that he calls home. But that’s where you come in because as much as he wants to “bag you” you may want to be “bagged” by him and letting him know some things could allow you to do so without needing shots later.

1. Drop a subtle hint or two before you ever go over and, if you’re sensitive to “guy” dirt (which occupies a special place on the periodic table as the legendary 104th element) DO NOT drop in unannounced. Respect his space and your nose.

2. If you are already there but feeling uncomfortable, salvage the evening by suggesting that you go out to dinner then tell him how hot you are during desert but that his place is a bit of a turn off. “A” he’ll be off his home turf, which will unbalance his instinct to be defensive, and “B”, he will do ANYTHING to get you to stay horny, even if that means cleaning.

3. For the integrity of your relationship don’t wear all white clothes to an unknown bachelor pad. It’s just a recipe for disaster.

4. You could propose going to a motel and then the both of you could create a sexual fantasy to compliment the change of venue.

5. If he has a lot of animals, especially shedding dogs, be prepared with a lint brush. There’s no way to really avoid pet hair, but you can darn sure get rid of it pretty quickly after the fact. In addition, don’t be unkind to his trusty mutt just because you’re uncomfortable. It will only end up pissing him, and the dog off and that doesn’t get you any closer to your booty call.

6. On the off chance that the place is reasonably clean, don’t tempt fate by opening the fridge door or his walk-in closet. The way guys clean is by shoving stuff out of the way then closing the door quickly. Unless you want to see 6 month old gym socks or milk that’s started fermenting hurtling toward your face, I’d highly suggest letting sleeping dogs lie (for further definition, refer to # 5).

7. Next, as long as there are no dead bodies, remember to be kind. A defensive guy will almost always screw things up with you so don’t put him on the defence. Work with him because, if he’s worth his salt, he works with you. Everyone has some kind of weakness and if cleaning is his, you’ll have been handed two opportunities to be intimate. The initial invitation to his place and then spending time helping him clean it.

One final note in reference to # 7. While you may decide to partner with him to clean his place, do not clean everything for him. It sends him the message that you’ll clean up his messes just like his mommy used to. I can assure you that, in the end, that kind of attitude will lead you to being resentful and him to becoming oblivious to your needs and his own potential.

Well that’s about it really. Armed with these pearls of wisdom you should be able to navigate the tricky first visit with ease and tolerance. Just remember that keeping a relationship is always less strenuous than creating one so do your best, where appropriate, to understand who he is and why he behaves the way he does. Believe me, generations of men have dedicated whole lives to trying to figure that out about woman kind.

Special Dark is a special blend of intelligence, wit, and an irreverant sense of humor that has strong views on women and relationships. Originally descended from the Alpha Male class of the society, he has suited up on debonair charm and retained his gentlemanly ways to the consternation of the rest of his species.