Comments on: Bad Relationship AND Bad Sex – Say what? http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Tue, 16 Mar 2010 01:17:48 +0100 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: annie d http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/comment-page-1/#comment-161315 annie d Fri, 13 Jun 2008 19:55:47 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/#comment-161315 confession! my ex-EUM (12 days NC!!) was selfish in every way. in the beginning of our relationship - sex was off the scale - exciting and fun! It was what hooked me. I'd never enjoyed sex so much in my life and then .... he started gaining weight and i found myself doing all the work - he'd just lay there. It got to the point that I asked him if I was only good for bj's and back-rubs? He smiled and said, Im not complaining! ... fast forward to now. It finally got to me one day and I asked him (innocently enough) if he didn't find me attractive anymore ... because we hardly ever DID it anymore. Guess what? He blew up in my face! Told me I was questioning his manhood - that I obviously wasn't satisfied ... I could hardly even open my mouth to respond, he was so furious. Well, he said enough to make me cry and I packed up my shit and left. Later that day he called me and broke it off. I am so incredibly DONE. This web-site is a life-saver, sanity-saver and self-esteem saver. thank you so much. confession! my ex-EUM (12 days NC!!) was selfish in every way. in the beginning of our relationship – sex was off the scale – exciting and fun! It was what hooked me. I’d never enjoyed sex so much in my life and then …. he started gaining weight and i found myself doing all the work – he’d just lay there.

It got to the point that I asked him if I was only good for bj’s and back-rubs? He smiled and said, Im not complaining!

… fast forward to now. It finally got to me one day and I asked him (innocently enough) if he didn’t find me attractive anymore … because we hardly ever DID it anymore. Guess what? He blew up in my face! Told me I was questioning his manhood – that I obviously wasn’t satisfied … I could hardly even open my mouth to respond, he was so furious. Well, he said enough to make me cry and I packed up my shit and left. Later that day he called me and broke it off.

I am so incredibly DONE. This web-site is a life-saver, sanity-saver and self-esteem saver.

thank you so much.

]]> By: Beverly http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/comment-page-1/#comment-158123 Beverly Wed, 28 May 2008 23:03:09 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/#comment-158123 This article hit a spot with me. 6 months ago I finished an off/on relationship with a Narcissist/emotional abuser/predator. Sounds heavy - well it was, but not at first. He was very charming at first, reliable, polite, but the red flags were there to start with he had 12 mobiles and the relationship was more or less conducted by text messages. He flooded me with 48 text messages the first evening - basically he love bombed me, told me I was gorgeous and ticked more boxes than he had hoped for. But then he started to change, became unreliable, cancelling arrangements and I suspected that he was cheating. The sex was not good either, he refused point blank to give me foreplay, but as the article says I was hooked by his only major asset, and I questionned myself about this alot. Towards the end of one year and being messed about both in the bedroom and outside, I decided to call it day, after he more or less showed me that he was liaising with other women. I realised that in my bid to be patient, caring etc, I had been taken for a ride, abused and conned. I am still recovering over this and my mental and physical health have been quite damaged. These predators are very clever, they know how to be charming to get what they want, and when they have others lined up they will discard you as though you never existed. This article hit a spot with me. 6 months ago I finished an off/on relationship with a Narcissist/emotional abuser/predator. Sounds heavy – well it was, but not at first. He was very charming at first, reliable, polite, but the red flags were there to start with he had 12 mobiles and the relationship was more or less conducted by text messages. He flooded me with 48 text messages the first evening – basically he love bombed me, told me I was gorgeous and ticked more boxes than he had hoped for. But then he started to change, became unreliable, cancelling arrangements and I suspected that he was cheating. The sex was not good either, he refused point blank to give me foreplay, but as the article says I was hooked by his only major asset, and I questionned myself about this alot. Towards the end of one year and being messed about both in the bedroom and outside, I decided to call it day, after he more or less showed me that he was liaising with other women. I realised that in my bid to be patient, caring etc, I had been taken for a ride, abused and conned. I am still recovering over this and my mental and physical health have been quite damaged. These predators are very clever, they know how to be charming to get what they want, and when they have others lined up they will discard you as though you never existed.

]]> By: Kim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/comment-page-1/#comment-152296 Kim Fri, 02 May 2008 16:43:05 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/#comment-152296 FinallyOverIt- So true! Us women need to support one another & stick together. Therapy didn't even help me as much as this site & all of you! Just one person such as NML can make a huge difference in others lives just by sharing her story. I don't know if she realizes how helpful she has been to all of us! It is cool that we span the globe & help one another! FinallyOverIt- So true! Us women need to support one another & stick together. Therapy didn’t even help me as much as this site & all of you! Just one person such as NML can make a huge difference in others lives just by sharing her story. I don’t know if she realizes how helpful she has been to all of us! It is cool that we span the globe & help one another!

]]> By: FinallyOverIt http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/comment-page-1/#comment-152276 FinallyOverIt Fri, 02 May 2008 15:46:14 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/#comment-152276 Kim, I totally agree with you that knowing others have gone through similar situations as you in their relationships makes you not feel so alone--that's why support groups are so important and helpful to us. I see this website as a support group, and combined with NML's wisdom and all of your comments and sharing stories, I have learned so much and feel as though I am finally truly moving forward in my life. It's strange because I don't really know any of you, and we span the globe as far as where we all live, but I feel a bond with all of you! Thank you! Kim, I totally agree with you that knowing others have gone through similar situations as you in their relationships makes you not feel so alone–that’s why support groups are so important and helpful to us. I see this website as a support group, and combined with NML’s wisdom and all of your comments and sharing stories, I have learned so much and feel as though I am finally truly moving forward in my life. It’s strange because I don’t really know any of you, and we span the globe as far as where we all live, but I feel a bond with all of you! Thank you!

]]> By: Kim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/comment-page-1/#comment-152267 Kim Fri, 02 May 2008 15:24:19 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/#comment-152267 For me my EUM wasn't selfish in the sex arena at all. In fact he wanted to please me & we talked openly about sex all the time. We had a great physical attraction years ago when we were dating & that was still there. We had sex often & both enjoyed it. There were a couple of times I remember the "dry" thing as NML calls it & I didn't understand why he would lie about ejac since we were always so open with one another about sex. Maybe I over reacted to it. I just found it odd that so many of us here have run into these problems. I agree with FinallyOverIt that it shouldn't be a surprise based on their commitment/intimacy issues. I found that when he had trouble accessing his emotions is when it would be an issue. I think all of us here are just trying to understand what happened & why. For me that is how I heal. I thought I was going crazy before I found this sight as I have never run into someone with this behavior. I had never had anyone say the things to me this man did then disappear for days. I needed to understand that. Now I do. This site is how I have been able to heal. Thx to NML & everyone for talking to me & sharing your stories! For me my EUM wasn’t selfish in the sex arena at all. In fact he wanted to please me & we talked openly about sex all the time. We had a great physical attraction years ago when we were dating & that was still there. We had sex often & both enjoyed it. There were a couple of times I remember the “dry” thing as NML calls it & I didn’t understand why he would lie about ejac since we were always so open with one another about sex. Maybe I over reacted to it. I just found it odd that so many of us here have run into these problems. I agree with FinallyOverIt that it shouldn’t be a surprise based on their commitment/intimacy issues. I found that when he had trouble accessing his emotions is when it would be an issue. I think all of us here are just trying to understand what happened & why. For me that is how I heal. I thought I was going crazy before I found this sight as I have never run into someone with this behavior. I had never had anyone say the things to me this man did then disappear for days. I needed to understand that. Now I do. This site is how I have been able to heal. Thx to NML & everyone for talking to me & sharing your stories!

]]> By: Brad K. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/comment-page-1/#comment-152204 Brad K. Fri, 02 May 2008 03:14:57 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/#comment-152204 I think there are some fundamental differences between bad relationships with predators and with parasites. http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2008/05/01/the-uncivilized-relationship-vs-abusive-relationship/ The girls stuck with the worst of the uncivilized relationships are too focused on safety and shelter and food for sex to be a deciding factor. That makes me feel really sad for them. I think there are some fundamental differences between bad relationships with predators and with parasites.
http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2008/05/01/the-uncivilized-relationship-vs-abusive-relationship/

The girls stuck with the worst of the uncivilized relationships are too focused on safety and shelter and food for sex to be a deciding factor. That makes me feel really sad for them.

]]> By: Fake It 'Til I Make It http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/comment-page-1/#comment-152189 Fake It 'Til I Make It Fri, 02 May 2008 00:05:14 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/#comment-152189 OverIt, you're right -- it shouldn't be a surprise. But it is hard to fathom why we stay anyway! My ex was even a bad kisser. But I was so busy thinking he was a good guy in other aspects that I thought it'd be shallow to bail. It was a symptom. And I should have run. But I kept thinking it'd get better. It seemed like an issue I could solve, and boy do I love a good challenge. Ditto the ED. Looking back, I was simply being ridiculous. My mom posits that I dated this guy and got so hung up on him because I wasn't ready to find someone who could really fit with me after an earlier, serious relationship ended. Does this explain why I stuck around and pined after someone who gave me hickeys (seriously, are we in middle school?) and couldn't get it up? I don't know. But it sure was silly. OverIt, you’re right — it shouldn’t be a surprise. But it is hard to fathom why we stay anyway! My ex was even a bad kisser. But I was so busy thinking he was a good guy in other aspects that I thought it’d be shallow to bail. It was a symptom. And I should have run. But I kept thinking it’d get better. It seemed like an issue I could solve, and boy do I love a good challenge. Ditto the ED. Looking back, I was simply being ridiculous.

My mom posits that I dated this guy and got so hung up on him because I wasn’t ready to find someone who could really fit with me after an earlier, serious relationship ended. Does this explain why I stuck around and pined after someone who gave me hickeys (seriously, are we in middle school?) and couldn’t get it up? I don’t know. But it sure was silly.

]]> By: FinallyOverIt http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/comment-page-1/#comment-152187 FinallyOverIt Thu, 01 May 2008 23:17:27 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/#comment-152187 It should really be no surprise to any of us that part of the relationship with an EUM is bad sex. If they aren't fulfilling your needs in all other aspects of your relationship, why should sex be excluded? I think it's all about the fact that they are scared to death to give of themselves, and let's face it, sex (at least good sex) is about fully giving yourself to someone else, and also allowing them to give to you. Most EUMs aren't good at the "total giving of themselves" thing. Even though it may feel good to them, it's an act of total intimacy and sharing that scares them so much that it makes them lousy lovers. I agree that this is a HUGE red flag. It should really be no surprise to any of us that part of the relationship with an EUM is bad sex. If they aren’t fulfilling your needs in all other aspects of your relationship, why should sex be excluded? I think it’s all about the fact that they are scared to death to give of themselves, and let’s face it, sex (at least good sex) is about fully giving yourself to someone else, and also allowing them to give to you. Most EUMs aren’t good at the “total giving of themselves” thing. Even though it may feel good to them, it’s an act of total intimacy and sharing that scares them so much that it makes them lousy lovers. I agree that this is a HUGE red flag.

]]> By: Terry http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/comment-page-1/#comment-152186 Terry Thu, 01 May 2008 23:02:04 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/bad-relationship-and-bad-sex/#comment-152186 Finally, someone talks about the rather ugly truth! Thank you NML for telling it to us like it is! This reminds me of that quote from SATC when Samantha gets screwed badly “Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.” I won't be picking up the phone to my EUM next time he comes looking to give me some bad sex! Finally, someone talks about the rather ugly truth! Thank you NML for telling it to us like it is! This reminds me of that quote from SATC when Samantha gets screwed badly “Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.” I won’t be picking up the phone to my EUM next time he comes looking to give me some bad sex!

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