Comments on: Being The Other Woman Revisited – It’s straight talking time.

By: zaj

zaj — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 03:40:25 +0000

pls help

By: zaj

zaj — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 19:30:19 +0000

I wanted to say a lot of things but for an instant I don’t know how to start.
I met him at work when my marriage was shaky and I was miserable. Everybody likes him and looks up to him. He’s a fine businessman and faithful servant in his church. Got a great wife who’s an executive and 3 children of 16,14,10.
Due to my broken marriage, I consoled myself partying and clubbing. There he came and persuaded me. I went out with him but didn’t plan to fall in love with him. But I did. So, I got a divorced. Though I didn’t ask but expecting somehow he would do the same as he told me he loves me and wants everything right for me. I quit the job from the same company he’s working with to avoid any gossips. I tended a small county business. We saw each other regularly once a week and spent 2 days 1 night over some out of town escapades. He’s a very jealous and possessive man and very caring. He started straightening my life out. No night outs. No vices. Everything is monitored. He talks about his job, the kids, and some other things but never about his wife. I investigated. His wife is also a lawful servant in their church, great mom and devoted wife. I think that’s the reason he barely touched that subject. He’s feeling guilty somehow. Only that he keeps on telling me he’s not happy with her and it’s been a couple of years since the last time he “slept” with her…why? well, he said because of individual differences and the wife lost interest with it. That was 2007.
In 2009, when I realized that he would not leave her anytime soon for no reason, I left to work overseas. There, I tried to go on with my life without him. But, he kept on chasing me. Proved to me somehow that I mattered to him by sending flowers, constant calls, waiting on chats, etc. He knew I had a short-lived relationship abroad but still begged for me to come home. So in 2009, I did. He got a condo unit for me to stay and I took I job in the metropolis. A working project in the county provided him to stay with me 2 nights in a week. It looked fine with me ’til the project ended. As year 2009 ended, his project contract ended, he could not stay even for a single night. I had to miss job just to catch up with him during the day. I minded less until I decided to quit my job.
Doing nothing and him not around, I started to go back with my own life. Partying and clubbing. With all the money from him.
In 2010, trying to direct my life, he put up a business for me. Something I own. We work together with it. I could hardly appreciate it because it meant my total dependency on him. We got an office just adjacent to my condo unit. He comes at 10 AM and leaves at 9 PM everyday. No matter how I tried, I could not persuade him to stay over night as he could not tell any alibis to his wife. His wife works nearby. They come and go home together. In fairness, whenever he’s with me he never take any calls of his wife no matter she tries to ring or how ballistic she is.
I took it as manifestation of his love and respect to me.
Lately, I talked to him heart to heart. I told him that if he really loves me he would rather let me go if im waiting for nothing. He told me to stay put and wait for few years like 3 til his youngest get into high school. He even told me that I suffered a lot and would not make me suffer even more by asking to wait for nothing. And so I believed him though it makes me wondering how he could ever leave his wife for forever if he could not even leave her for a night?
Since then, I became irritably miserable. Quarreling him and everything as I feel something is not so right.
Then, just today I found out that he was still sleeping with her only that he did not want to admit when was the last time.
All the things I believed and hoped for vanished. Turned into ashes. Because, for all I know , you could not sleep with someone you don’t want anymore. What was it? He could not leave her at once because she’s been all so good? And now, he slept with her because she’s all been so good? He’s lying to me. He’s lying to her. Telling me he’s just doing it for the wife not to get suspected? CRAP!
Please tell me to stop being stupid.

By: J

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 15:04:58 +0000

I’m in love with a girl who’s mixed up with a married man. I, of course, can’t get the time of day out of her because she’s distracted with what amounts to a fantasy.

I know damn well that I can provide a much healthier and supportive relationship, but so long as shes wrapped around this guy forget it.

And of course if she ever wakes up from this, well there’s your emotional damage that some other poor sod, such as myself, is going to have to deal with.

It really, really hurts. If I had the cash I’d be on a plane back to Afghanistan in a flash. At least there you can trust your mates because real world consequences abound and no one can afford to play these kind of silly games with each other.

So it’s not just the spouses and the parties involved that are affected by these relationships (loose term there), it’s anyone else in the blast area too.

By: Neha

Neha — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 12:56:23 +0000

I am glad that I came accross this site. However, I am on my way to become the other woman. And honestly, i cant help it.
He is just my co-worker and i am attracted to him. we are both married, he happily with a kid and I with my husband. I made the first move and first he did not acknowledge, but later we were constantly on phone. We even went to the extent of saying that we love each other, but he himself confessed that he is not sure whether it was love or lust.
Is this happening because of the monotony of marriage and the ” taking for granted” state of a marriage?
Whatever it is, i dont feel guilty, infact I have not yet slept with him but I intend to do so. I just want to be with him once.
God help me!

By: NML

NML — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 18:11:38 +0000

Hi Polly, I have approved your comment but you will need to join the forum to discuss this further as this comment thread is closing. Your comment due to it being a detailed request for personal advice is more suited to the forum. Thanks

By: polly

polly — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:32:37 +0000

I know this an old thread but I’ve only just found it.

Here is my situation – I’m 54 and he is 62.

We are both teachers.

We first met 27 years ago at a school we were teaching at and became friends.
I stopped teaching for a while and then 18 years ago moved to anotehr school and he was there. We’d had no contact in teh intervening years. We picked up our friendship and it began to develop. He was unhappy and was saying then that he would stay till the children were grown up. Before we began an affair I moved schools 14 years ago and we had no contact again.
7 years ago i moved schools again and he was there! once again we slipped into our easy relationship.
I again moved and no contact.
Last summer I was walking through a boatyard near my home and he was there -had retired.
I was by then divorced as my husband left me for the otehr woman.
we had a quick hug, said hi and updated each otehr brefly. His children were now 20 and16.
After going for a few walks together over a month or two I could see that we were drifting back together again so again stopped contact.
Easter this year he started emailing me, telling me that teh children were now old enough at 17 and 21 to cope with a break and pushed a relationship, after backing off for a while I finally succumbed.
3 weeks ago he tried to leave and come to me – he was here for 48 hours. Older child was on the phone for 2.5 hours and he was shaking when he came off – he has returned out of duty/loyalty yet says he loves me but that we tried to move intogether too quickly. his mother is 93 and teh girls and wife all palyed the “it will kill her” card.
So what do I do?
Do I go with the flow for a while and see what happens?
I love him very much and know that he loves me too. It actually isn’t about sex – we enjoy being together, feel comfortable together and have a kind of history.
Help!

By: caroline

caroline — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 22:42:20 +0000

Hi ladies, many thanks for reading this message.

I am a writer for Marie Claire magazine and I’m working on a feature on women whose partners left a wife/girlfriend to be with them.

It doesn’t matter if you’re still with the man in question – a variety of experiences is expected (and welcomed!)

The piece will be very positive and non-judgmental, and will comprise a short telephone interview. You will get the opportunity to take part in a photo shoot with of the magazine’s top photographers.

If you, or anyone you know, has been in this situation, I’d love to hear from you. Please email me at caroline.hedley@gmail.com. Many thanks in advance!

By: It’s About Making Babies! » Blog Archive » br: Dating - Is he controlling, or ..?

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 13:40:18 +0000

[...] Baggage Reclaim, Anastasiya comments on NML’s post about “Being The Other Woman Revisited – Itâ€™s straight talking [...]

By: Anastasiya

Anastasiya — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 05:08:33 +0000

Used, — thanks for your support!!! I hope to be back in a while with good news

nysharon — I read your post and I just wanted to tell you that all too often we tend to be attracted to controlling types because it is easy to mistake control for genuine care: we feel this is somebody who actually cares about us…. But it is all about control. For all that, I understand how you feel, since you had such wonderful time together. Still: look forward and ask yourself where you would like to be in 10 years. TThen: try to imagine yourself in 10 years from now and look back. Your are 51 — in my opinion, a really good age for a woman, when she has learnt much in life and knows how to take good care of herself. Good luck!

By: nysharon

nysharon — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 21:05:21 +0000

I should add that we had wonderful time together and I do really think we were meant to be together. However, during the 8 years, he had another child with her during a time when we were off, and in the past two years I told him he could move in with me if it meant he would leave….he still didn’t. Now we are at a place were he has resigned to staying with her and he understands that I want something more. Until he sees me with another man…………..

By: nysharon

nysharon — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 20:54:52 +0000

Cocobell33>this is what happened to me. He kept saying he was leaving, but didn’t, and then would have jelous rages when I would date other men. They want it all. When I would begin to date someone, he would then emotionally black male me by sayig it made him want to stay with his wife and “why should I leave?”. Then there were rules around Who I could date; not anyone he worked with, not someone he knew, not someone who had a reputation cause that would reflect on him if we ever ended up together. I mean it was CRAZY. On more than one occation I heard from one of his cooworkers that he had mentioned to them that I was His Girl (in other words–stay away). I would be out talking to a guy and he would come up and make a scene or whisper in my ear or just make it very uncomfortable. It was about control, maintaining the status quo. Our relationship started as sex when I was still unhappily married 8 years ago. He has been in and out of my life so many times I can’t even count. I had had a few other flings but he was the one there was fireworks with, we would talk on the phone for hours, sneak awy out of town together. I got seperated a couple years later, and have been divorced now for 4 years. He has moved out at one point but was home most of that time with his kids. I was just divorced and started seeing him. He went back to her when I ended things for the umpteenth time because he really wasn’t out and going on with a real separation. I could write a book too but if at any point you want to have someone really BE there for you, you won’t find it with this type of relationship. So here I am at 51 trying to move along in my life. Avoiding his phone calls, and seeing him in public because I don’t want to fall back into the trap again. Twice in the past four months he has called to tell me he is leaving and then he goes back after a couple days because he kids were crying, because he missed them because he has no money, etc etc. NML is right, we can’t seem to move on……and sometimes its easier to just go back with them for the securtiy that at least someone loves you, even if they choose not to be with you. The fun, excitement, but the price is your reputation, your friends lack of respect, and the waking up one day to realize that life goes on and your still in the same stupid situation……..

By: Used

Used — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:53:20 +0000

Anastasiya–
You stepped out of it (you left) before you wasted any more time. That’s how you should be with any relationship that is not right from its beginnings. Good for you! And you’ll be fine, but only as long you “go where you are wanted” (as they say), where it is right to be, and where you also want to be!

(You also don’t sound too worried about whether you have kids or not, which is also good.)

By: Anastasiya

Anastasiya — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:18:38 +0000

Well, ladies, yes there is a lot of truth in what you are saying, but… Let me just say that, as we all know, real life situations are always as similar to each other as they are unique. We all find ourselves in special situations with specific people, and yes, it is difficult to accept that suddenly one plays exactly the role one has sworn to never ever play. It is difficult to reconcile oneself to it, but this is just life. Real people in real situations — we can never say ‘never.’ The best we can do is try to stay true to the basic principle of not hurting the others — and accept the fact that we just walk away when we feel this happens, with as little damage to all parties involved (including ourselves) as we can. As to what adds up and what doesn’t — of course a lot of it does not add up, and it doesn’t make sense, but this IS the situation, this is the truth, and I stepped out of it before it was too late. I do not have an issue with my age, I feel very comfortable with it. I do want a healthy, loyal relationship, and I hope it will happen one day. I think that, up until now, I had never really felt the real need for it, I had not really known what I am and who I am, have never really appreciated myself and realised what I can offer the other person in my life — and I can offer a lot, but one must also know HOW to offer it…

By: Used

Used — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 17:16:41 +0000

In the 4th paragraph, above, “wife” should have been “woman”.

In the 2nd, “b.c.” should have been “b.s.”

By: Used

Used — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 16:59:34 +0000

Yes, given the facts, if the wife really did know about the affair in its entirety, she should be happy with being “divorced with benefits”: divorcing the jerk and having a great settlement, property, etc. for the rest of her and her kid’s lives. If he was such a “wonderful” guy, then this would have been the case.

Again, married guys who cheat kill me. No wonder they think they can do what they do: the other woman is all they need to put up with their b.c., and she does!

If you are 37, you’d better high-tail it and work on moving forward with your life, Ana, especially if you want kids. If the day comes that you learn that you can’t, maybe in a few years, just watch how this guy will come looking for you–b/c he’ll have you EVEN MORE where HE wants you. (And he still won’t be leaving his wife, that’s for sure!)

I feel badly for all women who never got married and are now in their 30s. I actually have come to feel that a woman in her 30s should just go ahead and have a kid (by the time she hits 35 at the latest) if she has not met a guy with whom she could have a marriage or other significant relationship to her liking. And she shouldn’t name the kid with the father’s last name, either! Then a man sees that he has his genetic survival and family name ensured, WITHOUT having to commit or even support the wife if he is stubborn about it!

Yes, men have it swimmingly since “women’s lib”–and the pill–and “free love”–came about. There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for a man to marry nowadays, except for the fact that they themselves have mothers, sisters, and daughters whom they HAVE TO respect (and that’s not even guaranteed!!) , b/c of being blood.

In my next life, if that exists, I want to be a rich, and (at least) decent-looking man.