Last week in part one, I talked about how you’re an escape from reality, that all the cheating guys are liars, that the situation is far from being unique, that these guys are manipulators, that they rarely leave their wives or girlfriends, and that as women we treat the dysfunctional relationship we have with these men like a competitive sport. In part 2, I discussed how we’re responsible for our actions, how they remove our power, how we need to be in a dark place to be with them in the first place, that we have issues with commitment, we do hurt even when we pretend we don’t, and much more. And now for the final part…
You have to make his wife or girlfriend real. Stop pretending that she doesn’t exist. Stop regarding her as the woman who is standing in the way of you being with the guy that is rightfully yours. Start regarding her as human. I used to refer to his girlfriend as ‘her’ and I noticed that on the rare occasions that I said her name, he’d wince. The more I got real is the more that I called her by her name and made her real for us both. I stopped regarding her as pathetic and weak and started seeing her as a woman, someone who is human and has faults and makes mistakes just like me. I realised that even if I put myself in her shoes and decided that she wasn’t an amazing person, who the hell was I to regard her so negatively when it was me who was sleeping with her man!
You also need to be real about what you’re doing. The damage that both parties do in this deceitful relationship is untold. I’m lucky that my guy didn’t have kids and hand on heart, I wouldn’t have touched him with a bargepole if he had! But plenty of women do and whether he has no kids, ten kids, a llama, or just a plain ‘ole wife or girlfriend, you are doing damage even if they don’t yet know about it. In order for me to be with him for our snatched times together, I had to deduct time from her, get him to lie repeatedly, and like all cheats, he was emotionally unavailable to both of us. Yes he did the ‘I love you’s’ but like most men who are having their cake and eating it too, he talked a bloody good game but as soon as they walk out the door, it is out of sight, out of mind. They mean what they say as much as anyone who is being so dishonest in general can mean anything…
My mantra’s became “What’s in it for me?” and “What have you done for me lately?” and the more that I said this to myself, is the more that I realised that I had gone way off track. When you’re the Other Woman, you regard the smallest things as something big. If a guy who didn’t have a girlfriend or a wife did those things, you’d think he was having a laugh. That’s when I started looking at how we were when we were together and what he did and said, and it became clear that living the life of the Other Woman had nothing in it for me. If I wanted to cry on occasions like birthdays, Christmases, be quizzed about who I was out with, who I’d told about us, pretend that I was single, pretend that I wasn’t bothered about people feeling sorry for me being involved, pretending that it didn’t often feel like wham, bam, thank you mam as he kept his beady eye on the time, then clearly there was plenty in it for me. But in reality, the good stuff is tipped severely in his direction and he reaps all the benefits whilst your own life goes down the toilet, or at the very least remains in limbo
I realised that I didn’t want to be with a liar or a coward. It all just became a long drawn out ordeal and it became clear that he was too scared to commit to being with just her, and just as equally too scared to commit to being with just me. A very typical commitment-phobe and not exactly a great candidate for happiness. That is the reality of the attached man that is in no danger of leaving his wife or girlfriend but tries to have the best of both worlds.
Men like to have something to go to and they don’t like to feel like bastards. Hence they’re hoping that she does something sooooooooooo bad that it gives him the perfect excuse to walk away. They can’t ‘just finish it’; there has to be something really wrong. He can’t just have met someone else and fallen for them because in their minds, that’s a really bad thing to have to tell someone and easier just to screw someone behind their hacks. They say women are illogical (so not true) but that’s nothing compared to the cheating man.
Good, decent, men sort out their old relationship before they move on. There can be a slight overlap, but good decent men don’t try to have the best of both worlds by cheating on a partner for months or years at a time. There are plenty of men out there that will grow their nuts and go and sort out their stuff so that they can be with the woman that they’ve met. A decent guy will leave you be and come back when his house is in order.
And that’s really what is at the heart of this. Loving someone takes a leap of faith and a man that wants to find out what you both potentially have in store for each other will grow some nuts and take that leap. Anybody else who drags out the saga for months or even years on end is trying to figure out what he wants on BOTH of your time and if so much time has passed, you have to wonder how much they can really feel. My ex is still with his girlfriend and every single cheat that a friend has been involved with is either still with the wife or girlfriend, has been thrown out, or is with someone else. Yes, occasionally it works out, but for the great majority, it doesn’t.
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8 responses so far ↓
1 michelle // Jan 29, 2008 at 12:56 am
im the girlfriend and my man has all these lil sideline hoes. he put a ring on my finger but it meant nothing. so now im left with a broken heart and the biggest sense of betrayal. i pushed him till he left even tho i thought we could work it out. does that make me stupid for trying to still love him?
2 Been There // Jan 29, 2008 at 4:31 am
Michelle,If you read breaking up and getting over the MM, you can see how these men are manipulators. They have no self control. I don’t think it was wrong to want to try to save your love. You had a right to try, he gave you a ring and he was your man. I do not think many of these men will change. I don’t think I can say all of them but many of them. Im sorry you have been hurt. Some day you will see its great that you didnt marry someone like him. If he has “all these” girls on the side like you said. If you stayed with him, it would of been years of no trust, fights, You could even get some STD from that. Why marry someone who has no respect for you? You deserve a real man. Not a dog in heat. And don’t even blame yourself for pushing him away. Are you kidding yourself. He did this to you! To your relationship. You did not push him away. You were a smart strong woman. Don’t even make him let you think you did this to the relationship. Thats what cheaters do. Manipulate and control. They make you think it was your fault. Helps them feel less guilty. Stay strong you did the right thing.
3 Izzy // Jan 29, 2008 at 10:29 pm
“My mantra’s became “What’s in it for me?” and “What have you done for me lately?” and the more that I said this to myself, is the more that I realised that I had gone way off track. When you’re the Other Woman, you regard the smallest things as something big.”
OMG, rock on, NML. Mine was a Catholic priest, and it was *exactly* like that. As one of my friends put it, it was like eking out that last little bit of Marmite or jam and making it streeeeeeeetch across that bread. And I always understood, because he was always doing something important - teaching, hearing confession, hospital…how can you argue with that? But dates got moved, or he was too tired…but he could always head to Europe during the summer with his fellow priests…
…meanwhile, I’m supposed to be grateful for an IM appearance and for the abuse he doled out when he was drinking or when I had the *nerve* to book a restaurant HE SUGGESTED for his birthday a fortnight in advance (it’s VERY popular) - I was, of course, ‘trying to trap him’, despite the fact I’d made it clear I was only booking b/c if we’d waited much longer there wouldn’t be any space.
I’ve had enough. As another of my friends said to her man when he screwed up, “I’m bloody lovely. And YOU’RE F***ING THIS UP.”
They eventually ended up happily married. So let’s stop avoiding conflict, ladies, and start telling the truth - to ourselves above all.
And don’t be afraid to walk.
Iz x
4 Elsie // Feb 1, 2008 at 8:21 am
I’m new to this blog, and I LOVE this series on infidelity, especially this last post.
YES, we need to step out of our own selfish skins and start applying that Golden Rule we were taught as kids. If you would be heartbroken and destroyed if your man cheated on you, why would you do that to some other woman? Why are we so callous?
I also fully agree with the conclusion that any man worthy of that title will do the right thing and end it with his wife or girlfriend before he asks you to take over that role.
As you may have guessed, I’ve had my own experiences with this topic, although my role in it was a little different than the conventional OW’s. You see, I was the OW but didn’t know it. I thought I was the girlfriend, so I had to deal with a particularly unique pain resulting not only from a betrayal of trust but from a sudden and unexpected loss of significance to the man I’d thought loved me more than anything (or anyone in this case). Plus, I felt like an utter fool for having been duped so thoroughly. (That’s one reason, btw, why I will never support the much-repeated sentiment that no one can take advantage of you unless you let them. A selfish, manipulative person took advantage of me, and I was in no way to blame for that. )
Anyway, like any OW, I was hit hard with the same feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, jealousy, bitterness, and despair. Let me tell you, the onslaught of these emotions was not worth the brief moments of elation in the beginning of our relationship.
In my case, I had no idea I was an OW, and I can’t imagine why anyone would consciously set themselves up for this kind of heartache. If you’re contemplating becoming an OW, walk away. RUN if you have to. Sure, you’ll wonder what might have been, but that’s so much better than finding out the answer with all its accompanying devastation.
Singletude
5 goldie // Feb 15, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I am the O/W. I have been in the relationship for 14 months and i’m very confused. when i first met the man i didnt know he had a partner of 7yrs, a month down the line and before we had had sex he told me he had a partner and that he loved her and what a lovely person she was. I had by this time got hooked on him, but asked why he was coming to see me if he loved his partner, his answer was that he enjoyed my company and it wasnt all about having a bit on the side. He treats me well but in the time we have been seeing each other we have been out once for a drink. His partner isaway some weekends and rather than go with her he stays at home so he can see me. Why would he risk all he has got just for a couple of hours with me if he loves her. He also says i need to find a man, but when i say i will make a point of doing so, he makes sure he marks me such as a hicky or scratches. I’m very confused, he also says that when i do find a man of my own he still wants to be friends. I don’t know what to make of it all. HELP anybody?
6 cheekie1969 // Feb 16, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Goldie, sounds to me like you have been manipulated a wee bit. Ok, a lot. I am sure he is a great guy, attentive etc. but he has put his claim on you without you being able to return the favour.
I know, I’ve been there.
Does he say that he thinks you need to find a man, but then says he hopes you never do? well he is by giving you those marks, if he doesn’t verbalize it.
It really is a no-win situation for you, honest.
Break it off, cause it doesn’t sound like a healthy thing at all. He is in love with his partner, or else he wouldn’t be with her still. Men can be quite delusional about the risks they take.
They think they are invincible at times, and if they are ‘careful’ no one will find out.
Hence the ‘one drink out’ thing.
He thinks he is being smart.
It is hard, especially when you care about someone, and unfortunately their marital status has nothing to do with pure emotion.
You like someone, regardless.
You are attracted, regardless.
The only thing it should affect is whether or not you act upon it, or if you have, how you take care of yourself in the situation.
If you stay in it, make some ground rules for YOU, not him, YOU. Take care of you.
He is taking very good care of HIM.
There is a saying that I repeat to myself on occasion and I think it pertains
‘never allow someone to become your priority while continuing to be their option’
p.s. Elsie, I think the difference with yours and Goldie’s situation is that you didn’t know, and you put your hearts on the line. Some people can do it, when they set up boundaries, it isn’t a matter of being callous, sometimes s*it happens, and you make a choice. It doesn’t mean you are a horrible person. If you knew before you got involved, would you still like him? of course you would. but like I said, the difference is whether or not you act upon it. irresponsible, yes. weak? maybe…human…definitely. don’t be too hard on yourselves…or others. loneliness can cause humans to do all kinds of irresponsible things.
one night stands wouldn’t exist without it!!!
lol
xo
cheekie
7 Lou // Mar 2, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I’m also writing as the OW. I have been for just over 5 months, at least that’s when we started sleeping together. We work together and round about the time we started sleeping together we both applied for the same job at our company - I got it, and I am now his boss. He is 28 years older than me and been married for 36 years - his marriage is 2 years older than I am and he never had an affair until me.
He has never led me to believe he would leave his wife for me, and I don’t think I would really want him to, although I love him very much and miss him dreadfully when we’re apart (which is a lot of the time). Weekends are the worst, especially this one, as our Friday night plans fell through; there are all sorts of horrible thoughts going through my mind and I just can’t wait to see him tomorrow.
I worked with him for about 2 years before we started our affair, although I knew I was falling for him about 6 months before we started it. He made the first move (by email!) and at first I was shocked (I’d genuinely never thought he would act on any feelings he had, as I know how much his family means to him) and told him absolutely no way as it could cause so much hurt and devastation. Then somehow things changed fairly quickly and I knew it was what I wanted and I gave in. I know how callous that must sound, because I suppose it is. And to complicate things further, he has an erectile dysfunction… As you pick yourselves up off the floor, wondering what the hell the point is, the point is the friendship and the moments of love and tenderness we share together.
I had several nice relationships throughout my 20s, although always found I didn’t want to commit. I then had a horrid experience of unrequited love when I was about 30 (I eventually told the guy, who was practically my best friend, and after a lot of grief, I am well over it and we remain good friends) and not long after that an intense relationship with someone I loved deeply but ultimately left, which was very very hard to do and it took me a long time to get over (he was a serious alcoholic).
I do wonder if there is something in the comment that I am an OW because it’s easier to go into a relationship that is doomed to failure anyway, because of my past experiences.
I never depersonalised his wife or kids (who aren’t much younger than me) and when we talk about them, talk about them by name. I know that he would never ever give her up and would do anything to protect his family from being hurt.
Sometimes I have moments where I wish I’d never let this get started and I wonder where it will go. I hope I soon find the courage to end it, but of course, there’s a tiny part of me that thinks he might, just might, make a bold move. Deep down I know he won’t and as I say, I’m not sure I would want him to anyway. He often encourages me to meet other men, and has said before that he wouldn’t fight me ending it. Which, being a romantic at heart, makes me question his love for me; but being realistic, I understand completely why he says that and know that, ultimately, he’s right.
I’m not looking for advice from anyone; certainly not validation, as what I am doing is potentially incredibly hurtful to so many people and couldn’t possibly be justifiable. I guess just reading the article and comments made me think a bit of catharsis might do me good and may give me the courage to do the right thing (incredibly difficult and heartbreaking though it will be) and end it.
8 Emme // Mar 23, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Hi everyone. As of this past Wednesday I released my OW situation. I am putting myself on a 60 day Other Woman detoxification program. I ran across this website at the time as was good timing too.
I have had the guy that has done all of the above to his current girlfriend that he works with still. We were next door neighbors until he bought a home eight months ago and now lives still very close to me. The story began with him cheating on his ex wife for two years with the lady he works with and now he just vicously continues the pattern. I till don’t understand what inspires a man to think his ex wife is going to stick around for an open marriage or relationship? Looking back I do not understand why I was so weak to get myself caught in something like this either. Well as it has only been four days or so, I didn’t even make a call to wish him a happy holiday or invite him to my families house as I always am kind enough to do. Maybe he will learn someithng from it at some point but as for me with the information and support of this website I will be just fine!! Thanks again.
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