In part one, I explained how you can tell a lot about someone by the company that they keep, and rather than focusing on other people and what appears to be social proof that they’re ‘great people’, you should instead, be looking closer to home at yourself.
“If you claim to be someone of great value and then you hang with someone who treats you like low value goods and stick around to try to get them to see and treat you like higher value goods (i.e. teach them to learn to value you), it’s you who is changing your value, not them.”
The whole ‘being valued’ issue is something that permeates every dysfunctional, flagging relationship where someone clings on for dear life trying to get the other party to ‘see’, ‘hear’, and ‘value’ them in the way that they want to be seen, heard, and valued.
The conflict continues because if someone values you because you have no boundaries, jump to their beat when they get in touch, will give them a shag when they call up out of the blue, and are willing to keep restarting things with them and turn a blind eye, you trying to get them to value you as someone worthy of love, care, trust, and respect and who is worth more than a booty call, is a futile exercise.
I can’t emphasise enough: You cannot get someone to value you as something that you’re not actually being in the relationship now.
They don’t think ‘ Well the value before she met me was X or the value when I change my slinky ways will be Y so I’ll value her as X or Y’. They do however think ‘Right now, she’s behaving as value Z and I’ll act accordingly.’
Not only are your actions inconsistent with your words, but your actions are also inconsistent with the value and personal values that you claim to have. Either that, or you no longer know what values you have.
If someone has not made the connection between having values and the relationships that they have with others, they will not recognise the impact of their actions, and connect the dots and recognise that they have to have values and be a person of positive action to get their relationships to work. That’s them and you.
When you’re in a relationship, you need to have compatible values otherwise the relationship cannot work.
Personal values are something you learn from early on in life but they are in tandem with who you are and your beliefs, so really, trying to force someone to change their beliefs so you can get what you want, is exhausting (and futile) work. Change your mentality about relationships and yourself, adopt healthier love habits, and be authentic by having boundaries and values that you live by and act upon, and you not only change you, but the relationships that you’re in and the people that you attract.
You may not have great personal values right now, but if you want to, you can assess what you’ve been valuing and choose differently.
You have to make the connection between the fact that you have to value different things so that you will treat yourself with more value, and stop indulging in relationship insanity – doing the same things again and again, carrying the same baggage and beliefs, and expecting different results.
Understand what you value now so you can work on changing what you value tomorrow and going forward.
A lot of us live life unconsciously, never really questioning what we chase, our relationship habits, our values and boundaries or lackthereof, until we are put in a position of realising that something has to change, and it has to be us. Keep hanging around trying to force them to see things ‘your way’ and you’ll be like someone in the ER, trying to revive someone who’s been flatlining for ages and is actually dead.
If you believe it’s wrong to be dishonest and cheat and they believe that it’s OK to lie to ‘stop someone’s feelings from being hurt’ (read: avoid conflict and honesty), and that cheating is just ‘something that happens’, you’ll be flogging that donkey till it collapses. Valuing honesty means that you must not give accommodation to those that seek to challenge your boundaries and limit what you know.
Likewise, if you believe in monogamy and they believe in shagging around, why stay with someone who doesn’t?
If you believe in being treated with respect, why treat yourself with disrespect by allowing someone to repeatedly disrespect you? It’s demoralising.
If you value stability and they value taking up the role of papa was a rolling stone, trying to impose your values and desires and feeling bad because they won’t stop ‘rolling’ to prove their love for you, is setting yourself up to fail – find a stable character! You can’t value stability so much if you’re clinging to someone who rejects stability as it’s an unstable life.
If you value honesty, and they value keeping the truth to themselves, telling ‘little lies’ to get what they want, and telling you only what they think you can handle, you’ll clash. You need to value your right to honesty and opt out rather than trying to teach an adult Pinnochio how to tell the truth. They’re not a child! You’re not a teacher or their parent.
Likewise though, if you claim to value truth, but can’t actually handle it and are an illusions driven person that avoids seeing the reality of things, you don’t actually value truth, you value illusions and living in denial. You need to learn the value of acceptance and truth and get out of denial so you can empower yourself to live the life you want in reality.
If you value sex and intimacy between two people in a relationship, why relegate yourself to slipping someone a piece in a booty call role?
If you value being in a mutually fulfilling relationship, with love, care, trust, respect, and commitment, why continue to hold onto an unfulfilling relationship where you have little or no boundaries and the person is resisting being in the relationship you want? You are fundamentally incompatible.
If you value being ‘right’ and having the last word, you will find yourself in conflict and perpetually unhappy as you try to not only be ‘right’ all the time, but you seek to get everyone to see how you’re right as well so that you can be validated. In the meantime, everyone is getting on with their lives while you’re on your high horse. You need to value happiness and leave others to their own devices – it’s not your job to tell people who they are and point out their faults. It is your job to manage your own life and be accountable and responsible for your own happiness.
If you value acceptance, you can’t not accept who you are as a person, or engage in repeatedly letting your partner know your dissatisfaction and making it clear that you don’t accept them because you want them to change…while at the same time wondering why they don’t accept you as you are. You also can’t try to force someone to accept you in the way that you want to be accepted. Acceptance flows two ways. You don’t value acceptance in this instance; you value control and being in denial about your own contribution and issues. Accept the fact that they don’t value you how you want to be valued instead of resisting and internalising their actions.
If you want to be valued, you have to know your value and personal values, and also know their value and values.
Be careful of falling into the trap that many women do and overvaluing a man simply because he’s breathing, has a working penis, and has shown them some interest or is playing hard to ‘get’.
I know I say this regularly, but men are not the centre of the earth. The sun doesn’t rise and set on them, they’re not the fountain of happiness, nor the definition of it, and never, ever make a man, or getting one your vocation because you immediately devalue yourself. Never give some guy with the emotional intellect of a child with a lack of basic decent values, the power to determine your value.
As I asked a couple of women recently: Why, when someone has consistently shown that they are lacking in morals and values, are you asking this chump to value you? What do you think that it communicates to him?
If they’re throwing you crumbs and you’re valuing it like a loaf, who is creating and distorting the value? – It’s you.
The more you value someone who treats you like low value goods, is the more deluded that they become, and when they’re done with you, they just pass their delusion on to someone else.
It’s not about saying ‘Oh he’s low value’ but more, ‘We both value different things and as a result, if I stay in this relationship, not only will I be undervalued, but I’ll end up devaluing myself.’
Remember, if loving someone means that you can’t love/value you, always choose you.
Back in the final part 3.
Your thoughts?
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Thanks to you I’ve come a long long way. I now treat myself with love and respect and reject people who don’t do the same. The most important thing for me has been discovering about “boundaries”. (I will never thank you enought for that). Unfortunately with the enlightenment has also come the realization that a lot of people I used to surrounded myself with weren’t treating me with love and respect so I’ve started rejecting them. I feel much happier and at peace with myself for that. I’m growing as a person. However, although I know in my heart, mind and guts that every word you say about boundaries is true, sometimes I fear that I’m putting too many boundaries and this will prevent people from loving me and I will be left alone with my values and my principles because I make it too difficult for people to love me. My mother has said that more than once, that if I don’t change I will be alone.
To Nilondoner,
Are you saying that your Mom thinks that the boundaries you have in place are unreasonable? That somehow you standards are too high in her opionion? That you expect too much from people? You know maybe she thinks your boundaries are too extreme and she’s just worried that because of this you will be turning down too many people and will end up alone? Maybe her boundaries are set too low because she is afraid to be alone.? I don’t know. I would have to know what some of your boundaries are to see how extreme they are. But in the end what’s “extreme” to one person maybe be “just right” for someone else. For instance say you have a boundary that if someone doesn’t return your phone call quick enough to your liking and you just cut them off as a friend for that reason only. Then yes, that would be sorta extreme. Because you should take into consideration what their other behaviors are also. But say you have a boundary such as marital infidelity you believe is wrong so you don’t cheat on your husband even if the opportunity arises. Now who would argue that that boundary is not healthy (probably a person who doesn’t share that same value-that’s who). So you have to just weigh out in your own mind what is good for you. But keep in mind that you don’t want to go TOO over board. I know it’s hard to find the balance sometimes when setting boundaries. I been working on the same thing myself. You may want to look for books written on the subject of boundary setting(that’s what I did and it helped me) to get an idea of what healthy boundaries are vs. unhealthy boundaries. And use it as guide while you are considering what boundaries you want to set. It’s all about balance.
Peace
Dawn
“sometimes I fear that I’m putting too many boundaries and this will prevent people from loving me and I will be left alone with my values and my principles because I make it too difficult for people to love me. My mother has said that more than once, that if I don’t change I will be alone.”
I think at some point we do start to doubt our newly found boundaries because we expect that once we have them, then the good guys start to drop onto our laps and all will be ‘happily ever after’. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. The weeding of the men we don’t want still has to happen, but the best part is, we weed them out faster then when we didn’t have boundaries.
What I’m still trying to wrap around my head is the idea that I need a man. I don’t — I want a man. But I’m slowly learning that I’m not just going to take any man because they happen to be there and appears to be interested. His CORE VALUES have to compliment mine.
I also have to accept the idea that perhaps Mr. Right isn’t really out there for me and be content with the fact that I’ll be alright.
I’m still a work in progress and so are you 🙂
I soooooo know what ypou mean! I do the same exact thing PLUS my faith demands extra measures of “filtering” so to speak…. i.e. I do not believe in sex before marriage and other things that make it even more difficult to find the kind of guy I’m looking for. TRUST ME I know its hard. BUT!!! the relationships that slowly have come from putting up boundaries have developed into LIFELONG and extremely rewarding ones. I am speaking of the many friendships with guys and girls who have proven to me time and time again they LOVE me and are there for me ALWAYS.
As for a soul mate- keep your head up Nilondoner…. because the one you do find or “filter” out from the rest DUE to your boundaries will meet them! and oh how exciting that is! THe gold metal isn’t handed to everyone that runs the race, right?? ONLY those who work hard and really want it get to recieve that metal. And if they need to go to such gereat lengths to get it, what do they do with it after? How to they treat it? Gosh, they usually make an entire room to display it- They treasure it and show it off.
Isn’t that what you want your partner to do with you???
Better yet, treat yourself as that gold metal NOW, and you will continue on the right path for true love.
Best wishes!
Funny my mother says the same thing…. I think that it is about striking a balance. As KDD said, having a go at friend over a phonecall because they didn’t call back when you expected is OTT and emotionally demanding. You don’t have to kill off all of your friendships, you do however, if you feel uncomfortable because they are crossing your boundaries have to communicate that they are and communicate your expectations rather than stewing. Some friendships, there is no way of avoiding the fact that the friendships are built on the premise that you give and they take, but other friendships can survive you speaking up. One of the readers I coached last year had the very same issue of suddenly having love, care, trust, and respect, and seeing people with very different eyes. There are different levels of relationship. You may distance yourself from some, cut off from others, or bite the bullet and explain that you are in a different place and are not comfortable with their behaviour. A reasonable friend will be open to the conversation. As for mothers, I know many mothers who will tell their daughters that if they are ‘too harsh’ they’ll have no man or security so near encourage trying to make relationships work with poor candidates and chasing men who are attached. My mother was one of them. They don’t always know what is best for you and I suggest you think about your own comfort zone, not theirs. Considering that you already know the alternative to having little or no boundaries, to continue down this path would be relationship insanity – doing the same thing and expecting different results. Mothers (and others) project their own fears. Be your own person – she doesn’t have to live your life.
On setting boundarys and speaking up. I think you have to really choose your battles and only do or say something about it if your going to do it proactively. I find if I’m a little unclrear on how I’m feeling about the situation, I sit on it for awhile. If it still bugs me then I’ll chat to the person. By then your not so emotional as well. I think you also have to be careful not to get to caught up in their reaction as well, if they behave like a child, argue the point, stomp their feet or what ever else!! I just let them know this is my boundary and walk away. Otherwise you can get to caught up in their game or trying to be validated by them.
my mother once said to me, its okay for the man to cheat and the woman give the blind eye as long as he is providing. I was in shock!! Unfortunatelty I think she has very low self steem, otherwise she wouldnt advice me to acccept cheating from a future husband ( i am not married yet). I literally jumped off my sit and disagree, I thought she was delusional! How can someone accept this kind of abuse abuse from a man and think its okay? She, of course , didn’t like that I disagree with her but I honeslty thought one of us was going crazy and it wasn’t me.
@Nilondoner “sometimes I fear that I’m putting too many boundaries and this will prevent people from loving me and I will be left alone with my values and my principles because I make it too difficult for people to love me. My mother has said that more than once, that if I don’t change I will be alone.”
That’s the “rub.” During our childhood, we are given “messages” that being “alone” is a BAD thing. It’s NOT a “bad” thing! Being alone is a time for valuing yourself, putting yourself first, and seeing what you are all about. I’m 54, never been married, and don’t want to. I don’t need a guy to be happy. But if I do have a guy, it’s just a “bonus.” But, I have had my share of guys who treat me bad, but this most recent guy just seemed so perfect for me and I thought it would be a “rest of my life” thing (but not necessarily marriage). When he turned out to be an EUM, it threw me for a loop. I wracked my brain trying to figure out what his “issue” was, until I found this web site. Even though I walked out, I could not “move on” until I figured out why I was treated the way I was. The guy hated my constant “internalizing.” Now I know why. He didn’t want me to figure out his “game.” On the other hand, his “game” was to “avoid feeling anything.”
Really good article! This blog has taught me so much and I have grown as a woman because of it. Thank you!
Could you explain more what this means?
“The more you value someone who treats you like low value goods, is the more deluded that they become, and when they’re done with you, they just pass their delusion on to someone else.”
What does it mean that they pass on the delusion? I thought I was the one turning crumbs into something more and living in an illusion full of lies and secrets. They are living in a delusion as well??
By that I mean that he is deluded in thinking that what he’s giving is ‘all that’, but we cement the delusion by carrying on like the crumbs are a loaf so that even when our relationship with them is over, they continue to have inflated ideas about themselves and their contribution and repeat the same behaviour with other women. Each time women accept their behaviour, they get social proof that their crumbs are loaves when they are actually still crumbs.
Well I totally agree with you there. When I first met him he had low self-esteem and was unsure about himself. But being the supportive fallback girl that I am…I constantly told him how brilliant and handsome I thought he was and how he could do anything he set his mind too..(constantly supportive just my nature I guess)… long story short, after two years, I created a monster, he is the most selfish and narcissistic person I have ever met now….sigh…I just loved him so much that I constantly complimented him and encouraged him..
T- I think what she is also getting at here is that while yes, you are lifting the EU man up without good reason (again, men should never be sooooo darn important anyway) ; you are at the same time lowering your own value- simply by default of placing someone else at such high importance.
Also, by setting this boundary as someone who is ultimnately below an EU, you have made clear where your boundary lies. So by “the more deluded they become” I take this as meaning, the more damaging/unhealthy/ rediculous and demeaning they become – DUE to your own lifting them up, and bringing you down.
uh- I just get so frustrated thinking of how I’ve done this in the past….. I JUST WANT TO SAY HERE that since i have blocked phone calls, blocked emails, blocked social networking and such- Its a mourning oricess but I feel so FREE.
LADIES! Get your sense of self back- stop lifting up these so-called men and demand your own respect. Its time to start a new generation here of woman who are respected and loved, and the responsibility is very much on us to start changing before we see any change in men.
Thanks NML for all your workds of wisdom…. keep it real. keep it blatently real…. its working! :-p
“A lot of us live life unconsciously, never really questioning what we chase, our relationship habits, our values and boundaries or lackthereof, until we are put in a position of realising that something has to change, and it has to be us.”
I can claim this……I had not spent too much time looking at my unconscious habits either. I had been single for 3years and had not been thinking much about relationships. I just knew my past relationships were not good which is why I remained single. When the EUM came along, I had my guard up. Initially, I was not even interested so it really did not matter what he said or did. I am not sure when it happenend, all I know is I went from not caring about this AC..to wanting to be his EU world. I saw the red flags but thought who cares.
For the last 6 months I felt like I had lost my mind…I saw all the things I was doing wrong, but kept doing them. I totally went against everything I valued in myself. I had to finally wake up and recognize that this was going to really hurt me if I continued.
@I Am Officially Gone
Yes, I can totally relate to this. My last EUM broke up with me just over a month ago. Even though I was aware of my “faults”, I had repeated the same mistakes, but when we were together I ignored the warning signs; the red flags and basically convinced myself I was happy. I was living in denial until he decided that he couldn’t handle being with me anymore.
I have been in counselling since to help me figure out the hows and whys and where I’m going wrong, (and also to help me understand that HIS actions spoke a lot as well) but it hasn’t been until browsing through this site that I’ve had my lightbulb moments. And this article has just spelt out a big part of why I failed to acknowledge the signs: I lacked my own values, at least putting them into practice. I had convinced myself that I valued all that has been mentioned above: respect (even though I disrespected his feelings) ; acceptance (even though I was adament that he accept me as I am, it was all a form of control); commitment (even though I was loyal, I realise that I wasn’t really emotionally committed), communication (even though we didn’t really communicate what our needs and expectations were/are) but most importantly, honesty: the biggest fault was that I wasn’t honest with myself.
So now I’m going to take this time to get to REALLY know myself. I don’t care how long it takes. All I know is that I don’t want to make the same mistakes again – I want to have my heart and eyes wide open.
@AlonerAgain,
I understand….honesty with yourself is sooo important. I realized that the EUM came along when I was feeling a little unsure in myself. I had been feeling a little insecure about being 33 and still single. This insecurity along with others helped open the door for this last EUM to enter. I may have had my guard up, but I really was not paying attention. I focused on him and not on my intution (which was telling me to run).
I think you are right in taking a break and getting to understand and know yourself. It makes an amazing difference when you have your own back. Keep the faith and keep strong.
Thank You for your Intelligent and Ever Inspiring Words. I have practice the No contact Rule with a Mr. Unavailable and have been 2 months stronger then ever. I have come to understand my values and what I want. I sometimes feel bad for some of my friends, who still don’t know the meaning of having values in relationships. I’ve sometimes try to talk to them, but they still don’t get it. I understand them, because I’ve been there, but I guess it’s still very hard.
The EUM is was with left me for someone who is needy and dependent and said I was too independent, that I didn’t make him feel like a man. When is being successful and independent a bad thing with a man? Obviously he must be very insecure himself?
NML, I would love to hear your analysis on Jesse James and Sandra Bullock and why he was continually having unprotected sex with skanky strippers behind her back, not to mention publicly humiliating her at the most important time of her life?
I’ve been a long-time reader, but this latest series of articles on valuing self has truly hit home. Thank you so much, NML. So insightful. I find myself in a situation where I must admit that I did not want to ‘hear’ what the guy was telling me, and tried to believe that I would be fine with the meagre offerings provided. We have consistent e- and phone contact, but he is quite unattentive and disengaged when we’re together. I’ve raised the matter, and my self-esteem has definitely taken a hit, as nothing is changing. I think he’s comfortable with things, and the sense is that if I’m not, I should move on (i.e., ‘my problem’). I am beginning to realize that people can change, but not in the way that I used to hope for. I’m talking about the changes that *I* can make this time around. It is incredibly empowering to take the attention off of the other’s actions and focus on one’s own and what one can do to bring about happiness and contentment. I guess my problem is that I want to avoid some big announcement/speech about my realization that we are incompatible in terms of the way we value people (me!) and what we are looking for. I guess that part of me feels that the loss will be mine, what with all of the time that I’ve invested in a situation with low growth potential, but appeal that is very hard to explain. I will have a hard time just ‘letting things lie’ or fading from view, though, and feel that some sort of talk is required/necessary. I feel that I must do this ‘right’> Just not sure how to get him to sit down and have that discussion. I think he’s avoiding it, personally. This situation works for him, right? I’m sure that it feels good to have someone out there who demands little and cares much, and as a single father with a demanding ex and job, he’s not looking to shake the support system ’til he’s ready. It’s going to be hard to say no to the next invite out if/when it comes…it will be so tempting to think that I can just enjoy the outing without expectations. But I know myself better than that. I do need more. Wish I didn’t. Must find a way to end things properly, and in a drama-free way, which is my style and preference. it feels like it would just be easier for him to call it quits, than for me to take the step. Wonder why that is..
Best to you, NML, and all of your readers. We’ll surely find our way…
If you believe in being treated with respect, why treat yourself with disrespect by allowing someone to repeatedly disrespect you? It’s demoralising.
Exactly what I have been feeling lately about the mutual friend of the ExEUM – she is also EU and has repeatedly crossed my boundaries. Continuing to allow her to disrespect is also me disrespecting myself. Crumbs of friendship. No thanks. Thank you for the enlightment. Going NC on her as well. Last of the ties to that past.
I’m about to start implementing NC on a friend as well.
I’ve started setting boundarys with friends, work collegues as well. It occured to me that why put in all this effort if I’m going to allow friends to treat me like dirt.
The boundary setting has been hard, speaking up for myself snd drawing the line. Most people don’t like it but I figure the ones who come back are real friends the ones who don’t are simply saying, I don’t respect your boundarys. If that’s the case better they are gone. It’s like NML stated the more you use your powers, you kinda activate it and when it works it’s like a deposit into your bank (self worth) and you keep building it up 🙂
MovedOn–
I had to go NC with a mutual friend of the EUM, too. Years ago, after ending things with the EUM, I even had told her, outright, that she, the EUM, and a few others of our group were EU, after admitting to my own “EU-ness” and how I was changing my ways. She didn’t get it, remained EU, is still alone, and will probably always be alone. She has also lost friends. She is a player (2-faced) in friendships, just as many EUs are players with women they date.
Anyways, when I set the last boundary, I told her that I was not mad at her. that I was unwilling to accept bad behavior from people. This was after she did something wrong. Well, she ignores me now! So my NC is in response to that.
I have always been NC with the EUM. I have decided to go NC with his wife now, too, b/c she only talks to me when the EUM is not around. My husband, on the other hand, she talks to all the time! (My husband, being a good guy, is always friendly and greets her or is friendly back.) I am also going to have my husband go NC with her, as well.
It’s B.S.! I am beig punished and treated as if I am not a lady here, while she gets respect, acknowledgment, etc. And I am the one who has always been the nice person and played my my society’s rules (I never slept with him or anyone before marriage), while she hasn’t!
Anyways, going NC on teh friend has opened my eyes to deciding to go NC with the wife. It makes sense for the former friend to see that, as well, especially b/c she, too, is a girl who has always played by “the rules” in that she has never gone against the formal rules of our society, either (in that she hasn’t slept with anyone before marriage, either).
Funny how the woman who went against the rules, by virtue of the validation accorded by being married, is being treated as the lady here; isn’t it!
Lastly, this is why I have become very supportive of ALL women: marriage or not, men are the ones who screw our friendships up!
And really stupid men at that!
Morning NML,
Another great article, I sat down and wrote a quick list of my values and quickly realised most of my X partners held none or very little of the same values. Of course they told me they did but like you always say their actions did not match their words.
Something occured to me a few days ago that has set me free of the hold my X had over me. It occured to me that my habit or pattern seemed to be picking men and even friends who all had one trait in common. They were not healthy enough to see, appreciate and accept
love and kindness into their life.
This is a very big thing for me NML because this now has put a halt to me seeking validation and most of all somehow blaming myself. Or feeling unlovable. I was abadonned as a child and more then once. I believe I may have been recreated someone abadonning me by choosing men who were not healthy emotionally and mentally. I tried to help them and course they would always reach a level where I couldn’t help anymore, they would end up blaming me and leave. Then I’d spend sometimes years trying to get them to validate me.
I’m working with a councelling on the abadonment issues.
I know I have my things to work on but now I also no I’m not a bad person, unlovable or someone people don’t see for her qualities. I just chose men unable and unhealthy enough to sabatage real kindness, loyalty and love. This stops the fact that they couldn’t see me from eating at my self esteem.
My aim is to continue to work out my part to play and in time when I feel ready, invite a man in who is healthy 🙂
Thanks again Nat, this site has been an amazing help to me 🙂
What I did to be loved by my ex was scary. I had no values, no self respect and no clue. Instead of kicking his ass to the curb when he cheated I became his booty call when he left me for her. I would of done anything and I did to try to keep him in my life. If I hadn’t of gone NC I would still of been doing the same thing and getting the same thing in return.
I’m finally getting past the absolute feelings of shame I have for myself. There is no way I could ever tell my friends/family the things I’ve done or put up with for him. I think sometimes it does take hitting rock bottom to make you see what you’re doing to yourself. Like I’ve said many times, if you’re going to be a doormat sooner or later you’re going to get stepped on.
Wow – very impacting to put it back on myself…
For a long time someone close to me has been going into his work relationships as the underling. He’s in a new field and logically thought he may have to start at the bottom, thinking that once they know his talents and experience and he produces results – he will be promoted. This has been so frustrating for me watching – he keeps being treated like a doormat. I have a large tolerance level as I have also done this in the past!
Now from the article I realise that I did this in my last relationship. I went in on two levels – probably much of the time we were operating in two diffferent relationships (which has been the sledgehammer during the last couple of weeks on this blog!!) I understood that we were here (and sometimes he would behave and say things in that way) and other times it was like he reverted back to his ego driven old days (not of playing around) but just not professing I was his in all situations!!! [To many men the commitment is not real until the ring is on the finger – he is one of them.]
Natalie, thanks again for a great post.
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Guy Magnet: Step 4 Have a Clear Vision Then Take Action Daily =-.
Not to mention the many men for whom the commitment is never real — even if the ring is on the finger!
Such great articles Natalie! I am learning so much about myself. I’ve never thought much about my boundaries and the value I place on myself until now, where men are concerned. I can see exactly why I’ve attracted these types of men. It’s good to identify these men, and even better to identify our own patterns and change them! I feel so empowered!!
Very strange thing; I’ve never had boundary problems professionally or with friends and family. Only with some men and all men that I have become intimate with! Why is that?
Thank you!!
Boundaries are fantastic in friendships also. I always have had close female friends , but the closest ones were drama seekers and of course so was I , I guess.
When I grew up a little and got to know myself and what I wanted, i found it easier, effortless, actually, to simply stand my ground on certain issues (being drawn into drama, being imposed upon or being somewhat bullied to live my life a certain way) …well guess, what, both those friends suddenly disappeared from my life the moment I very calmly told them I wasn’t interested in that behaviour.
IT wasn’t at the same time either, one was a friend of years and then later on i made a new friend who was very imposing and when i withdrew she came on stronger so i had to tell her if she wanted to remain friends she’d have to accept this boundary. She just vanished. Of course i still see both of them around town but it’s friendly , in an acqaintance (island ) type of way.
I also was abandoned by both parents in one way or the other at one point and I also loves me a man who can’t accept being loved and valued and then devalues me to push me away. Well, until recently. Now i’m on sabbatical till i get my vibe sorted out 😉
Another great article Natalie!
Hi 🙂
this is a very big finding for me. It’s stopped so many vicious cycles dead in it’s tracks. Self hate, self blame, it’s all me, validation, trying to make them understand, going back and wasting years and so much more. I always new I was a good person and added to peoples lives but I couldn’t work out why I constantly found my self being thrown away, unloved and unappreciated. So I thought it must be me after all nit even my parents wanted me. Thank god I havnt become bitter or lost the love inside me. Who knows how many more times I could have coped with it before turning into stone.
I’m spending time working hard on myself and learning so much.
I hope you are as well 🙂
thanks 4 sharing.
“Never give some guy with the emotional intellect of a child with a lack of basic decent values, the power to determine your value.”
I own this….it was my story for the past 9 years. Thankfully I’m out of that place now for good. 4 weeks of NC and getting stronger by the minute.
Thanks NML – you rock!!
In order to set up our proper boundaries and standards, we first should know very realistically ourselves in extreme details. We should analyze all of our positives and negatives, and after properly studying certain classifications of people’s personalities, characters, abilities and performances, we may be able to found our proper place in such classifications. It would be very desirable to also consult with proven credible and competent people, for they can often analyze us more realistically than we or our relatives and friends can.
What is god to set my standards and boundaries if I overestimate or underestimate myself, and then based upon such faultily settings I should expect to get what I think I deserve. Although, it is possible to correct and reason out myself by asking realistic people, who are main components in my life: “please, tell me is there anything wrong with me”. Vast majority of people overestimate themselves and that is one of the main reasons why they are having problems in their lives, or even never get married. Many women, for example, want to be treated as in the times when they were their respective mom’s “princess”, even though their chosen men did not come on the white horses to take them away, but found them in one of the night clubs or bars.