Break Up Method: Disappearing Act
February 10, 2006 by NML
Otherwise known as: Moving out on the sly/Cutting off communication
This is another act that shows up on The Cowards Route depending on the reason. This is a method that does serve people who have been abused, mistreated, or who are just casual dating acquaintances, but it’s generally a rather cruel method.
I have a friend who after more than five years together, she came home one night to not only discover that the chump had moved out, but he’d also left her a Dear John Letter. It took almost five years before she heard from him again.
People also just stop returning calls, texts, emails and just sever the communication ties. This is definitely the coward’s route, but admittedly, this tactic proves to be useful with someone that you don’t know very well. I think we find it difficult to broach conversations with people that we’ve only been on a few dates with, because we find it difficult to gauge how to do it with someone that we don’t know very well and we’re not even sure what the status of the ‘relationship’ was in the first place.
It can tend to leave the door open for contact being reignited when the two bump into each other again, but this is not a route I recommend in general.
NML’s Recommendations
- If you’re being abused, mistreated, something awful, then this is actually a good option that gets you the hell out. Naturally you don’t need to leave a forwarding address and make sure you get all of your stuff out the house or have someone collect the remainder.
- No matter how big a place you think you live in, it is likely that you can bump into someone again which means your disappearing act may catch up on you. Either pray that they’ve moved on and forgotten your cruel act, or be ready for an explanation and potentially an apology.
- The casual dating situation is a difficult one but ideally you should do the Dear John route, before cutting off communication.
Ideal for: Leaving an abusive partner, casual dating, someone who didn’t heed the Dear John letter or the ‘We need to talk’ conversation
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This situation is somewhat familiar to me. After a month of being a “couple” with a my new guy and another couple of months before that of casually seeing each other, my “boyfriend” simply disappeared. Four weeks later I get an instant message telling me “check your email”. When I did, I was surprised to read a rather impersonal message that told me my guy had fallen on really hard times and become severly depressed for some reason. He had recieved all of my phone messages and emails asking him to please contact me, even heard my at his door, but had decided not to respond because he couldn’t figure out what was causing him to be so down. After I readhe email, he decided he wanted to talk to me, but instead of ever calling me, he’d try to talk to me via instant message over the internet! We agreed to meet and an hour and a half beforehand he cancelled on me, saying he was “sick”. Talk about a story and a half! I’m sorry but being “depressed” is no reason for being downright disrespectful and a man “disappearing”..especially on a woman he openly regards as his “girlfriend” is the ultimate description of a coward.
i can relate to you, strawberrybld. my boyfriend of almost 3 months just pulled this move on me and i am still in shock from what happened. basically last week he just stopped answering my calls, texts, emails and IM, like he just fell off the face of the earth. the first two days i was so worried i called his work to see if something had happened to him and found out that no, he wasn’t dead off the side of the road somewhere and would be coming in later in the day. that was a slap in the face because it was like Oh, so he is avoiding me on purpose…i have no idea why this is happening and it’s so heartbreaking. why do men feel that this is an acceptible thing to do?!?! i thought we were doing okay… but i guess he felt differently.
I feel deeply for both of you. I was seeing this guy for about the last month, and at first he was everything I could have dreamed of — reliable, smart, and he seemed to really care for me. Then, spring break hit, and he just disappeared, despite us making tentative plans for the week. I was left by myself to wallow in my own misery all week. I couldn’t contact him through IM or phone, and I didn’t want to be stalkerish and show up at his work or house. The next few weeks we kept getting caught in this spiral; I would be under the impression we had plans, he wouldn’t follow up, and I couldn’t find him. Then he’d come back and pretend to not know how upset I was. But after explaining that if for no other reason he needed to check in periodically because of my anxiety disorder, he seemed to understand. Then he disappeared again. Now, it’s been a week since we talked, and I haven’t made any attempts to contact him in that week because I’ve been so angry. I feel vulnerable, humiliated, and heartbroken, because I was developing really strong feelings for this guy. I don’t know whether to try and contact him or not, because I don’t want to lash out unreasonably, but I feel like I have no other choice.
Dear Gazelle85, I feel your pain, because I was in a very similar situation. (Several times
I believe that men with bad upbringings (being abandoned by a parent, abused, neglected, etc), with low self-esteem, and commitment issues are notorious for pulling the “fadeaway act”. So its not you. Its really ALL them. They got years and years of baggage that they dont know how to deal with. Therefore, running away is the easiest way to prevent any form of attachment. They like the temporary and escape anything that can become routine. Initially when they meet you, they are star-struck. They are head-over-heels, the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man you’ve ever met. Then gradually their true self comes back to the surface. My advice: Dont blame yourself. Know your worth and love yourself. DONT call him. He has his own whirlwind to deal with. If he understands and can appreciate your greatness, then he will be back. Otherwise, you really have not lost anything at all.
Noosh…
You rock! I just went through that. I am just getting back on the dating scene after a few years of dealing with my own issues and the first date is actually someone I really was into (and I had no doubt in my mind that the feelings were mutual). But he pulled the “fadeaway act” and it is hard for me because I’m new to this whole thing. Someone said that I’m doing the right thing by just trying to move on and letting him “hang humself.” My ego is still too bruised to understand all that, but I know I’ll see things clearly soon.