How to Break Up With a Woman Properly

February 17, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante

Are you aware that not only does the suicide rate skyrocket around this time of year, but that it also has the highest concentration of breakups (with Christmas time close behind)? Whether it’s the high stress of such anticipated holidays or simply people weaselling their way out of gift giving, I always end up with a larger group of “trollers” after the holiday season. The previously coupled individuals return to the watering hole of singledom and all is right with the world once again. In light of this fact, I’d like to provide my personal insight (which we all love to hear, don’t deny it) on the subject of breaking up. More specifically, let’s deal with how NOT to break up with an individual. Get your pen and paper ready, and take careful notes.

1. Let’s start with the basics. Do not break up through a communication medium. Email, text messaging, and cellular communication are not proper forms of breakup etiquette. “This isn’t working,” sent to my cell phone in the middle of my lunch break will not only ensure you a nasty blog entry, but will permanently label you as “That chicken s*!t guy you dated last semester.” Email is a step better, only because it provides more space to express yourself. HOWEVER, if your email is as brief as I will certainly be telling my friends our romps were, you’re just as screwed as if you’d texted. Ladies, this applies to you too. You cannot expect men to follow the break up etiquette if you, yourself, cannot be bothered to do the same. Just talk to your partner. It may seem more painful, but you’ll feel so much better in the long run…plus, it gives her a chance to slap you in person.
2. Do not, as I discussed previously, cease to exist. I am well aware that there are no documented cases of spontaneous combustion, and I don’t believe that the black hole was hosting tour groups this week, so I refuse to believe that you have disappeared. Let me try to explain this in the terms of a ladder. Below the guy who emails or text messages lies a huge chunk of whale crap, and below that is the guy who disappears. You do not want to be on that step of the ladder. God gave you balls so that you could use them. He might take them back if you don’t. And think of how hard it will be to date then!
3. Under NO circumstances, show up to your girlfriend’s birthday party with a date and expect that to be a formal breakup. Not only will I hate you for the rest of eternity, but as I’m dying my hair black the next day, wondering about the pictures of me taking body shots of the entire bar staff, and quickly learning spells that cause impotence and amoebic dysentery, I will not want to discuss the prospect of remaining friends.

4. Don’t lie. Don’t tell me it’s you when it’s clearly me. When it’s me, I know it’s me. I am much more self aware than you think. If I’ve done nothing but bitch and nag for the last month, I know I was doing it. Just tell me that’s why we’re over. Don’t tell me you need time to study for the LSAT or that your cat is taking up all your attention at the moment. Remember, liars go to hell. It’s in the bible.
5. And finally, do not write a song entitled “I Never Really Loved You,” and have your band perform it on our anniversary. It’s tacky and mean, and I may have to get medieval on your ass!

Here’s to hoping your breakups are as good or better than what you’re getting out of!
Debutante Out.
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