442 responses so far ↓

• 1 rockstar233 // Jan 30, 2008 at 8:46 pm

  Yep NC sucks but it does work. Been there done that a couple of times now with the cakeman I had. He has used me and abused me too much to continue to go back again and again. He used to say to me over and over, “I love you so much; I want to be with you; We’ll be together soon enough, I just need to wait a little while longer; yadda, yadda.” They don’t leave. Well maybe some do, but my cakeman didn’t and will never. 3 young kids and a wife who has medically issues as well as emotional…he’ll never leave. I have learned that all this time he was using me for a shag as you English say, lol! When things were not going well at home, it was me who was there and always was there but when the tables turned and I needed him, he wasn’t nor couldn’t be there for me. As of today it’s been 34 days of NC for me and this is the 3rd time, however he has tried to do something to contact me this past week and I knew he was going too sooner or later. Must be having issues at home again, too bad so sad.

  I look at it this way, if he truly loved me and wanted to be with me he would. He however does not and I’m not going to be used as a shag for him when he isn’t getting it at home or things are not going the way he wants them to at home. It sucks because deep down I do still care for this man but I know I was used for what he needed at the time and once that need was gone, he would leave or say he can’t do it anymore. He has done this to me numerous times. Well this gal isn’t going to let it happen again. Life is too short and there are way too many good decent single men out there that would want to be with me and me alone!

  So girls NC does work and if you’re in the same kind of situation, I suggest NC for you all. It may hurt for a while but the pain does go away and in time you start to see the true deal and who these cakemen really are and what they stand for. Goddess bless and be strong!!!

• 2 smp // Jan 30, 2008 at 10:49 pm

  I believe the rest is that your should shoot for at least 60 days to begin with right? If he catches you on the phone or at work…say you’re too busy to talk, I have nothing to say and hang up.

• 3 Hot Alpha Female // Jan 31, 2008 at 1:15 am

  The no contact rule?! I love it!!! I tell all my friends who are going through breakups to stop freaken talking to their ex’s.

  They are like, “I just broke up with my ex, but im on the phone to him right now and i just found out he is now dating my brother’s friend’s, girlfriend’s, cousin” LMAO

  Like you said the number one reason you have to cut the contact is to regain back that control. If you don’t stop contacting them, your mood is always dependent on whether or not you get in contact with you.

  As well as this, using this rule means that you can really test is someone likes you … If you initiate this and get bombarded with phone calls, msgs, flowers and invited on dates, then you pretty much know where you stand.

  If the guy doesn’t even flinch when you apply this rule and actually seems happier .. well then you know its time to stop crying and get over it .. because is over you!

  I dunno there is something so empowering, when you find out that your ex just tried to call you and you didn’t have to pick up the phone.

  Having no more contact with your ex, is definately the first step in getting over a hurtful breakup ..

  Hot Alpha Female

  http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

• 4 Freja // Jan 31, 2008 at 1:30 am

  Today I’m at 30 days of no contact with the emotionally unavailable man that was in and out of my life and ran hot/cold on me for 1.5 years. It was tough for a couple of weeks - almost like withdrawal from an addiction, but gets better every day. I’m also getting closer to and enjoying time with a good man who I was “playing” for the last couple of months I was being played by the assclown.

  I still think of him, but it’s in perspective. I’m not longing to hear from him at all, but I know that I will someday (it’s his M.O.). I had a dream about him last night - he had really big hair, and was being his same self-centered self. ;o)

  His number is still in my phone, but I changed the name from his to “Assclown” a couple days before I told him to piss off. This is effective for me - it reminds me just WHO he is!

  Question though, what do I do with the stuff he left at my house? For some reason I want to be the better person and return it, although NOT in person.

• 5 Hot Alpha Female // Jan 31, 2008 at 2:41 am

  Hi Freja,

  Its so true what you say about the addiction thing! Its almost like we a relying on someone else to make us happy and feel better about ourselves!

  I dont know how healthy that it is, all i would say, is that it helps to replace that addiction with something else.

  So instead of calling him or something, what do you do instead? Figuring that out can definately help the process =)

  In regards to your question if you should drop his stuff off. Well i would say do drop it off depending on your intent. If somehow you think that by dropping off his stuff, he is somehow going to like you more for it, or it gives you the slight chance that you might see him … then i would say dont give it back.

  If on the other hand, your feel morally guilty by his stuff being at your house and you just want to give it back, then by all means drop it off. Get one of your friends to leave it outside his house, but dont go there yourself, and dont leave any note or letter either - all of these things will lead back to temptation of getting back into contact him.

  Also a good idea if you do want to organize to drop off his stuff, that you do it after your have gone through your non contact period.

  Hot Alpha Female

  http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

• 6 yoyo extreme // Jan 31, 2008 at 2:09 pm

  My situation is getting much more complicated than what others are experiencing. My MM is a cop and when I broke it off from him he started checking up on me. This is the third time I ended it and we have been together off and on for 5 yrs. He caused a lot of problems for me when we were seeing each other since he would acuse me of not paying enough attention to him, or once i gave someone my number when he was in the room and he made a scene. Due to that and the fact that he was still not leaving his wife, I broke it off. Now I am a very accomplished woman, mature, and was a victims couselor. I now find myself in a situation where he is trying to manipulate me in public by making scenes and I fear he is ruining my reputation in this very small town. I did threaten him with talking to his wife early on, 3 weeks ago. He has called me several times wanting to talk but our last contact he basically called me a whore because he saw me with another man whom he knows. (he was on duty and made a scene when he pulled up next to us in his car, thus leaving me to explain/lie around the situation) I have had no contact with him for the past week however I a so fearful that he will cause a problem again, but on the other hand why should I hide out??? Getting a restraining order is not an option. Small town, he will loose his job, and I am really embarrased about people even knowing I was with him.
  Help.

• 7 rockstar233 // Jan 31, 2008 at 2:24 pm

  I would leave it alone and continue with the NC for now, however if he does start bothering you again I think the only way to nip it in the bud might be telling the W about what he has done. Your in a tough spot. I do have to say and Im sorry about that. My MM told his wife and in forth she told my now ex about us. We had this going for over a year off and on. He finally ended it when I was having some issues with buying my new house. He decided then he couldnt handle dealing with my issues so he dumped me via email and didnt have the gonads to talk to me to my face.

  Anyway, like I said not that Im an expert here but try to continue with that NC and if he does start harrasssing you, tell him to leave you alone and if that doesnt work then send a note to the wife. Good luck and keep us posted.

• 8 Katbutt // Jan 31, 2008 at 9:29 pm

  I think No contact works when one or both parties are too weak to stick to their resolve.

  Otherwise, it’s needless heartache.

  If something is over, leave it alone. But that doesn’t mean you can NEVER talk to the person again. Give yourself some time to get strong first tho, make sure you’re in no danger of going back.

  I’ve been divorced for 3 years and never did get closure with my XH. It ended with NC, and it took a while, but I can talk to him now, and there is no way I’d go back to him, or he me. But we can talk about our M and what life is like now for us both. It’s not a problem for us, and I appreciate the friendship very much.

  But when I was weak, I was weak, and we needed NC because we both knew it was dead.

• 9 yoyo extreme // Jan 31, 2008 at 11:16 pm

  Thanks for the advice and any other suggestions, please let it fly. His last message left for me indicated that he didn’t know why I was angry and still wanted to talk for closure….I will keep this message because it really shows how HE DOESN”T GET IT! I do not want to give him another opportunity to verbally abuse me. Anyway, I am nervous to socialize this weekend since he may be out and about and afraid it will be uncomfortable/a scene. HOW bad is that? I was thinking of txting him to just say, “We are OK but I don’t want to have contact with you anymore. There is nothing more to say.” or whatever suggestions you have. SMall town, small social circles and I am afraid if I do contact W, it will be a BIG mess. One I would like to avoid.

• 10 Elsie // Feb 1, 2008 at 12:52 am

  A big, bold YES! to this post. I’m always thrilled when bloggers publicize no contact (NC).

  It is THE ONLY method that is effective against pathological narcissists, who account for many of the men we refer to as manipulators, game players, users, two-timers, and commitment phobes. I always recommend this MSN support forum for those recovering from relationships with narcissists, as well as the writings of Sam Vaknin.

  I’ve been in NC with a narcissistic ex-boyfriend for a year and a half now. Yes, he still contacts me from time to time, but I haven’t answered, and the urge to do so has long since faded. Once you’re out of the “N fog,” that desperate addiction to him that makes you question your very sanity, it’s amazing how quickly you begin to detach and realize how much better off you are without him to criticize, demean, terrorize, threaten, isolate, intimidate, manipulate, demoralize, and betray you.

  Life is peaceful now. My heart isn’t jerked around on a leash, my head is clear of his manipulative accusations and degrading comments, and I’m surrounded by people who can show their “love” without inflicting pain.

  Singletude

• 11 Elsie // Feb 1, 2008 at 1:06 am

  Hot Alpha Female: Great comments, but I would also add that a shower of flowers and other make-up gifts is common when a chronic commitment phobe or narcissist thinks he’s losing his steady stream of sex and attention. A lot of these guys are capable of pouring on the affection for weeks or months until they have us hooked back in, only to start the emotional abuse cycle again.

  So be careful. If your guy is basically decent but just reluctant to commit, maybe this will be his wake-up call. But if his interest is continually fluctuating, don’t get trapped back into the dance just because he initially responds with cards and heart-shaped chocolates.

  Money can buy presents and is easy to spend. It can’t buy him heart.

  Singletude

• 12 Elsie // Feb 1, 2008 at 1:13 am

  Freja: As someone who was in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man for years, my suggestion is to give all his stuff to charity. Just get rid of it.

  If you feel ethically bound to return it, do as Hot Alpha Female suggested and have someone else drop it at his door or box it and mail it back. However, I would do this as soon as possible so that once you go NC, your NC will be permanent. If you wait too long, he may interpret the return of his stuff as a carrot for him to contact you and express his gratitude, annoyance, regret, or whatever other emotion he can fool you into believing he has.

  Singletude

• 13 Hot Alpha Female // Feb 1, 2008 at 1:24 am

  Hi Elise,
  Hmmm yes i think that is a great point that you added to that! The one thing that you have to remember though is that men don’t respond to words, they respond to distance. This is one of the reasons why the no contact rule is so important!

  I guess at the end of the day, you really need to know what you are looking for in a guy and what you deserve. The NC allows you to gain clarity because the affects of attraction are no as strong.

  Its kind of like when you first breakup with your boyfriend and then a couple of fays afterwards, you thinking man he was the perfect guy, we were such a great match etc etc.

  The like a months later or further down the track, you start remembering all his faults that you didn’t even see before when you were dating him. NC allows the rose tinted glasses to come off so you can see that man for what he really is.

  Hot Alpha Female

  http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

• 14 Elsie // Feb 1, 2008 at 1:53 am

  yoyo extreme: It can be such a helpless feeling when the very people who are supposed to protect us (i.e. law enforcement) are the ones subjecting us to abuse! And have no doubt about it, this guy’s behavior toward you is abusive!

  If you feel that you need to give him a send-off, then a simple “it’s over now, and I can’t have any further contact with you” should do the trick. But then THAT’S IT. You need to go into NC, no matter how much he begs and pleads.

  You’re absolutely right. YOU shouldn’t have to hide out. YOU aren’t the one acting out in public and stirring up trouble. But you are hiding out, in a way, by closeting the situation. Silence is an abuser’s accomplice. As long as he is holding this secret over your head, he’s in a position of power.

  I understand that you feel sorry for him and don’t want him to lose his job, but HE is the one endangering his job security by harassing you, not vice versa. YOU are not responsible to protect HIM from the consequences of HIS behavior.

  I understand also that this is an embarrassing situation for you because you don’t feel proud of your decision to get involved with this married man. Yoyo, you need to forgive yourself for making this mistake and realize that your peace of mind and safety from his harassment are more important than what others might think of you.

  I think you have two options. You can either stay silent, and if it gets really bad, you can consider moving to another town. Or you can see if NC deters him, and if it doesn’t, you can report him, in which case, yes, he might lose his job, but that is HIS fault, not yours.

  I wouldn’t bother, btw, to contact his wife. She’s likely to side with and defend him at worst, and at best, I highly doubt that she’ll be any support to you. If he stalks or threatens you, report him to the authorities. If his wife finds out as a consequence, that’s his problem to deal with.

  Good luck! I truly wish you all the best in this difficult situation.

  Singletude

• 15 Elsie // Feb 1, 2008 at 2:02 am

  Katbutt: We’re allowed to be weak, if weakness is what it really is. When we invest so much time, energy, and emotion in someone, it’s hard to let them go. I don’t think that’s weak. I think that’s normal.

  And I agree with you that permanent NC isn’t necessary for every situation. If you’re breaking up with someone because you can’t get along or are moving in different directions or for any reason other than that he’s abusing you, you can definitely have an amicable relationship after a cooling off period.

  The problem is that a lot of these guys who make us even consider NC are the very type who just aren’t worth ever contacting again. They’re users and abusers, emotionally unhealthy, manipulative jerks who have a lifestyle of devaluing and discarding the women they’ve sucked dry. With these guys, you need to stay in NC because they can so convincingly “change” or play the pity card when they want you to come sashaying back into their arms.

  For women who are breaking out of relationships with this kind of man, NC eventually becomes the only option.
  Hot Alpha: I totally agree with you…for normal, basically healthy guys. I just wanted to point out that quite a few guys out there are chronic jerks and will initially be on their best behavior after the threat of NC but will soon relapse into their old patterns.

  And I think you’re 100% right that NC is just as essential for us gals as it is for the guys in refreshing our perspective and allowing us the distance to see our partners for who they really are!

  Singletude

• 16 Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 2 // Feb 1, 2008 at 3:01 pm

  […] Part 1, I explained what the No Contact Rule is, why we avoid it, and some tips to get you started and in […]

• 17 Hot Alpha Female // Feb 1, 2008 at 4:26 pm

  Hi Elsie,
  Yes i think that you need to be aware of those types of guys. The commitment phobes, the players, the sleezes.

  But if you listen to you intuition then usually you can smell then a while away and its best not to get involved with them in the first place.

  I think half the relationship is already won, if you can pick a parnter that is well suited to you in the long term

  Hot Alpha Female

  http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

• 18 yoyo extreme // Feb 3, 2008 at 4:39 am

  Elsie I work in law enforcement too and therefore we may cross paths via friends and events. I am not afraid of him but more that my rep will be tarnished. I have a daughter in school here so moving is not an option. My father was very ill and passed away two months ago and that is what weakened me into letting him back into my life. I have forgiven myself, and am looking forward to putting all of it behind me. At some point he will probably get caught cheating on her with someone else. SAD

• 19 Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 3 // Feb 4, 2008 at 10:01 am

  […] Part One and Part Two which also includes more suggestions and ideas from […]

• 20 Vix // Feb 4, 2008 at 1:40 pm

  Hey…. Im now 16 days into the NCR and its incredibly hard going…. these websites are great for focas when your tempted to mail or phone your ex.

  I think whats making this NC successful it I didnt do it as a knee jerk response to getting screwed around for the hundreth time…. it was a slow burning feeling that I wanted more and was never going to get it from him… also that the “come here, go away” behaviour that he displayed had become annoying and emotionally destructive to me.

  we have agreed that we will talk again one day, and dispite everything he did that made me feel shit about myself, I do like him still ( not in a sexual way only) and would love to be a mate one day.

  the NCR is essential for a healthy break up, you cant move on without some time out from the person you felt so much for… simply because it blurs the bounderies…. my relationship didnt feel over until we stopped talking. everytime we saw each other we would end up snogging, stupid really!

  Having said that I miss him so much I feel sick, so it might take a while for me to move onto a place where I can say hi without the butterflies.

• 21 Hot Alpha Female // Feb 5, 2008 at 12:49 pm

  Hey vix,
  Congrats on having at least 16 days no contact. Its takes a lot at the beginning but each and everyday it gets easier and easier trust me.

  You learn to trust yourself again and are reminded that you are the only one that can make yourself happy. No - one else.

  Its good to remind yourself everyday that by cutting someone out of your life, you are allowing for someone even better to enter into it. These kinds of affirmations are great because they give you the hope of a better much more loving and exciting filled relationship in the future

  All the best

  Hot Alpha Female

  http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

• 22 Vix // Feb 18, 2008 at 10:36 pm

  Hi Alpha female

  well Im into the 6th week of no contact now and the feeling of wanting to talk to him and tell him my news and hear his is stronger than even… but still I resist.

  Iknow I have done the right thing… but its like coming off drugs or something( not that I ever have, but its what I would imagine its like).

  thanks for the support though

  Vix

• 23 yoyo extreme // Feb 20, 2008 at 6:41 pm

  I it’s me again. I just finished week 4 of NCR. His phone messages stopped 3 weeks ago. I had a rough weekend but held out. In the beginning I was just feeling angry and now that that has subsided, I am missing him. He passed me in the car yesterday and he didn’t even look at me. This felt good and bad. I have been staying home and avoiding places I may see him, but this can’t go on forever. I almost want to run into him to get it over with. The best response I can come up with for now is “I grew some self esteem, go away”.

• 24 NML // Feb 20, 2008 at 9:06 pm

  Hi Yo Yo Extreme. Be proud of yourself for making it this far. It’s never easy to do something like this. It is supposed to hurt but through the pain comes growth and through the growth comes better self esteem. The reality is that as your self esteem grows you will both grow further apart because your relationship cannot work when you have a healthier self esteem. He sounds like a jackass anyway

• 25 Hot Alpha Female // Feb 21, 2008 at 1:43 am

  Hey Girls,
  Everyone is doing so well with their no contact!! I know its really hard, but the further they are out of your life the better.

  Its not because they are a bad person or anything. Its just that they are a representation of the past and what not. And how can you possibly move forward you are still holding onto the past?

  Vix i hear what you are saying when you talk about coming off drugs. Addiction to people is one of the things that wreck most relationships. But im glad that you are coming off that addiction and replacing it with things that will help you have better relationships in the future.

  All the best guys .. let me know how you are going

  Hot Alpha Female

• 26 Advice: Why won’t he contact me? // Feb 22, 2008 at 10:50 am

  […] through brief spurts of togetherness, but for the most part, it was very off. Astelle has stuck to The No Contact Rule since then and when she started this I explained that he was unlikely to make contact and now I […]

• 27 FinallyOverIt // Feb 29, 2008 at 1:08 am

  It does complicate things when you are trying to apply the NC rule when you work with your ex-EUM. I gave mine the “talk” last week and basically told him I couldn’t be his friend anymore. After two and a half years of being in love with him, and finally realizing that he will never feel the same way about me, I ended it–BUT, I still have to work with him. I am clear and firm on my decision to end it, and it would be so much easier if I didn’t have to see him every day. So, in trying to be the “bigger person”, I am doing my best to keep things cordial with him at work, but it is not easy. I envy those of you who can just move on, take him off your cell phone, not answer the door, etc., you have so much more control over the situation than I do. I still have to look at his face, into his eyes, and have work conversations with him. It sucks. But, I keep telling myself I am a strong woman–I CAN DO THIS! And I will. Time heals the pain and hurt, and this is a stepping stone to uncomplicating my life so that hopefully someday I can meet a man who will actually want a relationship, see me for the wonderful woman that I am (because I am awesome), and CONSISTENTLY give me the time and attention I so deserve.

  I know that EUMs are not “bad people.” They are wounded souls who have unresolved issues that prevent them from fully loving another human being. But…..not my problem. My responsibility is to myself, and my happiness. I do not wish harm to my EUM–I truly hope he gets it together so that he can have a healthy relationship with someone someday. It just won’t be me.

  To all of us that are hurting and in pain–stay strong, remember you are awesome, and you all deserve the best life has to offer!

• 28 lee // Feb 29, 2008 at 3:46 am

  I broke it off with my mm a month ago. He called me last week but did not leave a message. I had a few too many cocktails and texted him and told him i was away and not to make this hard on me. I was suppose to be doing the nc. Did i break it? will this be an opening for him?

• 29 NML // Feb 29, 2008 at 12:39 pm

  Hi Lee, you did break it but just take it as a bump in the road and be prepared to ignore his next attempt. He is likely to perceive it as an opening but he may not act on it as he now knows that 1) you were interested enough to respond and 2) you’re finding it hard. Sometimes that’s all the info they need to crawl back under their stones….
  NML

• 30 lee // Feb 29, 2008 at 5:55 pm

  Should I assume than that he will no longer contact me and I can get on with my life? Maybe giving him that little ego boost was the best thing to keep him away.

• 31 NML // Feb 29, 2008 at 8:47 pm

  Never assume anything with these guys. You have to stop worrying about what he will do and actually get on with your life. If he calls, don’t respond. Whenever he attempts to make contact, don’t respond and eventually he’ll get the hint. But you need to cut him out of all aspects of your life including your mind. It’s not easy - this is like cold turkey- but the longer time that passes, the easier it will become.

• 32 lee // Mar 3, 2008 at 5:35 pm

  Do you think changing my phone number is too extreme? IF I change it I won’t wonder if he will contact me and he won’t be able to. This is like an addiction for me and now I am wondering and wanting him to call but I know i have to be done with this for good. My friends and family think I should change the number but I of course am hesitant

• 33 lee // Mar 3, 2008 at 5:38 pm

  I keep on using the excuse that he is not going to call anyway so what is the point of changing the number. But I guess the point would be peace for me. I also think it is so weak that I have to change the number. I left my job, travelled to get away from this man. Now I have to change my number It all seems so ridiculous

• 34 Sheila // Mar 14, 2008 at 7:35 pm

  Lee.. I did the number change.. my only suggestion? wait a while til you’re stronger, then change it.. I changed mine the next day after we broke up, totally impulsive. He emailed me 2 days later and said, “youre phone is not working”.I emailed him back and told him I changed my # and why, then gave it to him. Talk about pathetic!!!! He didn’t even flinch that I was so distraught over the break up I couldn’t stop looking at that damn phone…I have told him not to contact me.. he says “ok” then texts me a private joke/aspect of our life together, and I cave. He is totally out for himself. I’m moving on now though.. I am done picking up and done returning texting. No more convos’s why, no more head’s up to him.. I’m gonna take control of this and move on, like I should have a month ago.. Again.. it’s very difficult.. like a drug…

• 35 lee // Mar 15, 2008 at 1:09 am

  I am going to wait. I actually drunk dialed him but hung up before he could answer. I did not hear back from him so I have been quite distraught. What I have been doing is turning my phone off every night because if he was to call it would be then but either way if he calls or does not call I will not know. It is just too painful. I am going to do that for 2 months. I am sure i will not hear from him. SO hopefully I will be stronger then.

  Thanks for your message. Stay strong. I know it is hard. I miss him everyday but he has nothing to offer me.

• 36 Sheila // Mar 17, 2008 at 6:59 pm

  Lee.. I am now in day #5 of no contact.. It is like a drug.. especially over the w/e.. He has called me once and left a funny message.. I did not return the call.. I have some suggestions for you in regards to that dreaded cell phone. Leave it in another room when you’re eating, watching tv etc.. out of sight out of mind. If you have a few errands to run, leave the phone home.. It clears your mind, believe me!!! Lastly, it seems like you have done this.. when you are settled at night, say watching your favorite show, shut the phone off til morning. It gives you such piece of mind of not dealing with it…No checking it, thinking you hear it, and most of all obsessing over it.. One last thing.. I just picked up a book last night.. “It’s a break up b/c it’s broken”.. it’s by the same couple who wrote, “he’s not that into you”.. PICK IT UP!!!!! It is not only brutally honest, but wicked funny, and will make you feel ridiculous chasing and wasting your time with men who aren’t in your life anymore and have nothing to offer you. You actually find yourself laughing at some of the excuses you have used in your head and how stupid they are..

  GOOD LUCK

• 37 sheila // Mar 20, 2008 at 12:54 pm

  Yes, it’s me again, and it’s day 8.. omg.. i guess it’s getting better, but still so difficult.. especially since I think I saw him driving yesterday, but couldn’t look back to confirm.. This is definitely the way to go, but still feel like I’m obsessing about what he is doing, or for that matter, who he is calling if it’s not me.. He is emotionally unavailable and seperated but still married..
  What am I stupid????

• 38 FinallyOverIt // Mar 20, 2008 at 3:25 pm

  No, you are not stupid. It’s important to not beat yourself up! I just ran into my EUM (who I work with) in the work kitchen and my when I saw him, I got that weird butterfly feeling in my stomach. It sucks, but you just have to keep moving forward….remember, time heals and time also helps make these EUMs a distant memory. Take care.

• 39 Linda // Mar 20, 2008 at 11:41 pm

  It was so great to read all of this!! I am in the same situation as most of you. I did it all wrong from the beginning: believing all his promises, excepting his engagement ring (when I was ready to break up with him) and of course taking him back 2-3 times after his “space”. NOW years later I feel like no contact is the first thing I’ve done right in a long time. We broke up in late Nov (him again) and a few weeks later we were in contact which led to sex which usually led to getting back together. Same pattern except this time I wasn’t letting him back without a commitment. ( I know the sex was sooooo foolish) This went on for about 6-8 weeks and I heard he was dating someone else. Of course during the “booty calls” we agreed to tell each other if one of us were to start dating. He “was thinking about telling me but I felt weird calling you and telling you booty had to stop”. Of course he had sex with me just a few weeks before that. I called him and ripped him a new one and then called crying and telling him he ruined my life, etc etc. Told him I was glad we didn’t get married cuz my ass would be at the curb and I was glad he is someone else’s schmuck now. And that was the beginning of no contact. I blocked my email and instant messaging. I am 7 days no contact. I have cried and screamed and journaled and called friends instead of him. I know this will all go away but it is a long bumpy healing road. Right now I am afraid of him contacting me. I want to be strong and unemotional if and when he does. Any of you dating a commitment-phobe ? I do think he fits the profile. If you are how long until he contacted you? Most of the time I feel like I can ignore him but he is very charming and knows exactly what to say to me and I still have weak moments that I wouldn’t trust myself to ignore him. His usual MO is about 3-4 weeks but I’m hoping since he’s got the “new and exciting” p*ssy it will take him longer. Actually a part of me hopes he has found the right girl and leaves me alone. Hopefully in a few months ALL of me will feel that way. After the initial shock of the break ups, I usually do better with no contact. I could go on forever cuz my story is long but that is the jist of it. Appreciate any help from you all. Thanks

• 40 Sheila // Mar 21, 2008 at 12:21 pm

  Linda.. doesn’t it all sound familiar? LOL
  No contact is very hard.. I’m going on 9 days and still freak out.. We have been broken up for over a month, but the texts, calls, etc have been coming in all along until now.. He has contacted me once durning these 9 days, and I did not return the call.. It is so hard.. Everyday I wake up and don’t think I’m going to make it thru the day.. The hardest thing is wondering what he is doing or who he is doing it with it.. My therapist says this will fade and the thoughts of him will become less and less.. They say with No Contact it’s short term pain for long term happines.. Wondering how long that”short” term pain is.. You try and be the bigger person by setting NC, but then wonder , “why aren’t they calling me”.. when in reality.. that’s what they should do.. not call us.. double edged sword.. It’s much easier to not reach out to him, then it is to ignore him when the call or text comes in.. But then you think… if you pick up or talk to him.. Nothing changes!!! You feel good for about 15 mintues than feel like sht after b/c nothing has changed.. Been there, done that.. NC is the only way.. You are on your way!! Dont’ slip up, you’ll end up in the back of the line again and you know how that sucks…

  Good luck.. let’s keep posting.. I think it’s very therputic (not sure i sp that right)

• 41 Emme // Mar 24, 2008 at 3:44 pm

  I am going on my fifth day of NC and it is not hard at all however I have a question for anyone who maybe reading this blog.
  My manipulater lives half a mile from me. My girlfriend is convinced he will try and contact me at some point after everything that has happened between us. I disagree with her since our last encounter.
  I have not been direct to him about my true feelings however I think he has some inclination. I have not been totally upfront to him about my feelings because I knew he wasn’t ready and is still not ready for a committ. I still don’t think he is b/c of his anger torward his ex. My question is, when and if he were to call me I tell him directly that he is insecure and inavailable, will it help? Or do we let these guys drowned in their own pityful sorrow never succoming to the pain that they really feel inside and ignore. I mean this vicious cycle he is going thru is making him into a bastard and I know he was not like that before he got divorced. He has these maternal skills I have never saw in a guy before. I mean its crazy.
  Again my simple question is, does it help to set their record straight and let them know you know about all of their smoke and mirrors? Or do these men just want to bleed to death because they are so stubborn?

• 42 Sheila // Mar 24, 2008 at 5:49 pm

  well ladies it seems my EUM, cracked over the w/e and sent me the “miss you” text.. I have not texted him, emailed him or contacted him in almost 2 weeks… I did not respond, but what did I really want to say, “sucks, doesn’t it”….
  How frigin selfish of him to text that to me.. What did he gain out of that? Did it set me back, of course it did… Did it make me feel a little liberated, yes.. But what is the poitn of that text… He doesn’t plan on doing anything about it so he should take his “miss you” texts and shove up his you know what….
  Holy self-centered…

• 43 Linda // Mar 25, 2008 at 4:08 am

  Hi girls! How’s everyone hanging in there? I’m 11 days no contact. My days are getting better for the most part. Last Thursday was a bad day, wondering if he was spending the holiday with his new girlfriend or her with his family, etc. after spending 4 1/2 years of holidays with me. I decided that I had to stop all those thoughts and concentrate on ME!! I went and bought some books and starting reading about EU people and breaking up/starting over. I had 3 GREAT days in a row including Easter with my family. Today was a little off - those feelings of “what’s wrong with me” crept into my brain but I DIDN”T cry!!!!! I noticed my EUM online twice last week after 6 weeks of disappearing online. (He of course is blocked so he can’t see me- which is a bit satisfying) That is his usual way of first contact after a break up. Sheila, from all I’ve been reading your “miss you” text is nothing but his way of seeing if your still there. He’s realizing that his “safety net” may not be there and it’s taking him out of his comfort zone. Good for you not answering!!! I know how hard that was but don’t be the fall back girl. I sometimes hope that mine contacts me for that liberation but part of me doesn’t want him to because of the mini set back I’m sure it would be for me. I think I’m safe for awhile because there is another girl in the picture but I don’t think he has it in him to actually commit to ANYONE!! So when that runs it’s course……… Emme, I don’t know your whole situation but my experience with trying to point out what I was seeing happening in my relationship did NO good. If he can’t see it, nobody can make him see it. I pointed out to my EUM that his relationships throughout his life always lasted 2 years - I was the longest. He couldn’t possibly have picked ALL wrong girls in 25 years of dating/ marriage. I told him I was willing to do anything to save our relationship. I offered to go to therapy together then by the end I told him he needed therapy himself. Know what he said?? “Why there’s nothing wrong with me” Until something happens in their life to make them want to grow emotionally and be emotionally healthy, I don’t think anyone or anything said to them does any good. I don’t know how you and yours communicate but by the end, he was not communicating with me at all. I would ask how he felt about something and all my answers were “I don’t know”. The more I pushed trying to make it work, the faster he ran. I asked him to take two months and both of us really open ourselves up and put all we had into it and see what happens. If he still wanted out, at least we could walk away knowing we tried. So of course, I put 200% into it, trying to do things we did in the beginning, trying new things to bring back the spark, etc. He put nothing into it and ran faster. Oh guess what girls- he just signed online again!!!! I secretly hope he’s looking for an email from me or trying to email me (which will automatically be deleted without me knowing) Well, I’m off to bed keep in touch Linda

• 44 Sheila // Mar 26, 2008 at 2:18 pm

  ok, girls I need some serious advice right now.. I just got a major set back.. I’m about 2 weeks of No Contact and was doing great. The set back is this. My ex is in sales and the club trip was Cabo this year ( in April)..We had talked about going if he made the trip via sales. He was 99% sure he was not making it. I got a passport and everything.. I just heard that he’s going with one of his guy friends, that is also a close friend of mine. We actually met thru this friend. I guess it could be way worse, he could be going with his wife who he’s seperated from, or another girl right? Why do I feel like I’m going to break down in tears right now? I was supposed to go on that trip with him.. Why does this hurt so bad? If wish I never found out.. and another question.. should I try to sever ties with our mutual friend til I feel better? Eventually I would have found out, but that doesn’t take the pain away…

• 45 Linda // Mar 27, 2008 at 3:39 am

  Sheila- I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was supposed to go on a trip with my EUM the first week of May. I keep thinking about it and I know that week will be horrible imaging that he’s taking his new girlfriend. I probably won’t ever know but it is still the fact that I was supposed to be with him that week. We made the plans over 1 year ago. I hate to see you lose your friendship with this mutual friend because I lost a lot of friends during this period and it sucks. What I would do though is set some boundaries with him. TELL him you would like to remain friends with him but your EUM’s name and any discussion involving him is OFF limits. He is not to bring him up in any way. The hardest part will be that YOU also have to stick to that. You cannot ask about him or bring up his name. If you don’t think you can handle that, then break contact for now. I did that with my EUM’s family. I was close to his sister in law (of course I thought we were going to be sisters in law). She emailed me and said she was sorry about our breakup and asked if we could stay in touch. I emailed her back and very nicely said that I cared about her family and I hoped that someday we could but for now I needed to cut all ties. She totally understood and respected that. I didn’t contact her for about 4 months. I just recently saw her online and started chatting when I found out my EUM was screwing me and chasing his new girlfriend. I did it for mostly the wrong reasons- I WAS curious how she and her family were doing and I did miss her but mostly I did it to let her know what a piece of sh*t her brother in law is. I told her everything and she felt horrible because she had no idea he was seeing(screwing) me. She told me he hasn’t mentioned my name since Thanksgiving. Then I let his mother have the whole story, too. It felt good for a couple of days but it was out of anger. So, now I’m left with her emailing me to make sure I’m doing ok, etc. Well, now I have cut contact again by just not appearing online and not opening her emails. I feel better NOT knowing and not having contact with anyone involved with him. I know his plans all through April and that first week of May and I CANNOT wait until that week is over so I don’t know what he’s doing. When nostalgic thoughts enter your head, you need to push those away and start thinking about what was WRONG with your relationship and what an a**hole he really is and that no matter what we women would have done differently in the relationship and what we would have done to save the relationship, we would still be in this position because THEY don’t want it. If your guy wanted you that bad, he would be divorced by now. If these guys “loved” us in a healthy, mature way, they would 1. be open to recognize they have emotional issues ( I’m sure you’ve told him that- I know I have MANY times, crying, screaming, talking, any way to get my point across) and 2. they would be willing to go to therapy or work on these issues and go to the ends of the earth to save your relationship!!! Sheila, I know how hard this is - My mother said she has NEVER seen me in all these years so distraught- she was truely worried about me. BUT WE DESERVE BETTER!!!! I put all my heart and soul into my relationships so why shouldn’t I deserve that back????WE DO. I haven’t cried in almost a week. I still have moments that I want to text him and tell him what a f*ck up he is, but I talk myself out of it. If I have contact with him, nothing has changed and I would be back at square 1 and believe me I DON’T want to feel that way again. Sheila, hang in there. It will get better. I wish we could chat live because I know when you feel like that it seems forever to wait for these words. When I cry or get angry or have a panic attack (which I haven’t had in over a week now!!!), I like to talk right then. If there is some way you could get in touch with me, I would gladly talk you through it. My girlfriend and I have to do it daily. She’s going through the same thing. We’re lucky because my strong days are her weak ones and visa versa. Maybe there is a chat room or text messaging or something that would help instantly. If you have any ideas, let me know!! You’re doing great. keep it up!!! Another thing to remember even if he was going with another girl or if another girl enters his life, WE know what these new girls are getting and they will be in our shoes one day, too.

• 46 Sheila // Mar 27, 2008 at 12:31 pm

  Linda.. I actually got over it pretty quick as the day went on, after emailing several people about what had happened. But yes, I was distraught, but think i’m over it now..Ironically enough, a text came thru from him yesterday again..He dug really deep, by sending me a pix that was truly sentimental and he knew that.. WTF..
  Where do you live? I’m from RI…
  Give me your cell.. we’ll chat more.. Mine is 401-578-6404..
  And yes I agree with the situation with my mutual friend.. It’s much easier said than done but he is truly in the middle… As far as your EUM taking another girl.. MY GOD.. holy rebound.. and you’re right.. now she has his baggage.. I need to find out more about your situation.. Give me a ring.. I’m usually home after work, errands, gym etc.. about 8ish at night..

  STAY STRONG!!!

• 47 Sheila // Mar 27, 2008 at 12:34 pm

  linda.. almost forgot.. did you buy the book.. “its called a break-up b/c it’s broken”… if not, RUN OUT AND GET IT!!!!
  It’s like my bible.. for real.. It has helped me tremendously..

• 48 Sheila // Mar 31, 2008 at 4:43 pm

  really bad day yesterday and today.. I cried for the 1st time yesterday in a month.. it was terrible, I didn’t want to leave my house or do anything… No idea why I’m still so consumed by where he is or what he’s doing.. He is still texting me randomly like twice a week.. that is probably the problem.. Today I woke up and I felt like I did 6 weeks ago when all this started.. I am literally sick of thinking about it but it seems like I can’t stop… This sucks..I feel like I’ve regressed….

• 49 Rainy // Apr 2, 2008 at 2:04 pm

  hey gals….i love reading all ur posts….as i finish each post, i feel im reading my story and he is my MM….but this website is really a God sent….im so relieved tht finally i found people who are like me, who r suffering like me…my MM’s b’day is day after 2moro and coincidentally mine is next week…i did send him a card but im sure he’ll not do the same….im trying so hard, and i 100% agree with big break up moment, i did the same so many times telling him its over and then rebounding back to him….i honestly felt like a jerk and hated myself and he remains like an iceberg no matter wht i do…i shout at him, he runs away, i try to bring him back, he is so cold, i tell him i am leaving, he is stone…..and i feel like comitting suicide….in my last email, i told him how low and cheap i feel stooping so low always and ive lost all my self respect….and in return he just sent back a message, ‘u r jst crazy’…..thts it….i dint reply back hoping he will console me, cajole me but no news. his status online is forever set to away….but he never buzzez even though i rarely go online and when i do buzz him, he just says hang on and disappears w/o a notification…i keep waiting like a donkey and finally log off feeling more and more degraded everytime…i dont understand y i am i doing this to myself…where has my self esteem gone? y am i letting him do this to me when i know he is not worth it…? there r 2 or 3 guys who really wanna be friendly with me, they want to take me out but i just feel so dejected and loathe the thought of it….what shall i do? after my last outbreak, i didnt respond to his ‘u r jst crazy’, but he again disappeared….and with him, all my emotions go down the drain….i miss his love and friendship so much, he was so caring, so loving…but now for the past year,he has become the hardest rock on earth…nothing moves him anymore…he simply stopped caring for me, his love just vanished and i feel so hopeless, so badly rejected and i miss him so much……

• 50 Sheila // Apr 2, 2008 at 6:32 pm

  Rainey…

  Chase the post man for that birthday card!!! He is not worth the shit on your shoes. They call come crawling back, it’s just a matter of who is strong enough to tell them to F off!!!
  Guys suck, and yes I’m bitter!!!! I read this and it just enrages me so much as does my own situation, that I feel I really have not taken complete control of . I go about 3 weeks with NC except some random text messages from him, that I respond to. Well yesterday the text messaging exploded into a whole day thing, 30 messages later. Today, I feel like shit. I’m so sick of feeling like this, but when the texts come in, it’s literally like a drug. I do not call, email, or text first ever, but I can’t not respond to his texts. I’ve told him I can’t move on this continues, but that was weeks ago, and now it’s back to this. He just cares about himself and what makes him feel good. Not in one text has he asked me how i’m doing, how my new job is, wishing me luck in divorce court in 2 weeks!!!
  NOTHING!!!!
  This shit is just instant gratification, and today is the effects of it. Nothing changes… No idea how I’ll handle the next text.. either ignore, say something back dealing him to F off, etc…
  Any suggestions? I don’t want to play the old, I’m so sad it’s over, i need to move on. I don’t want to give him that satisfaction. I want to tell him I’m done, don’t bother me ever again!!!!
  Let me know your thoughts…

• 51 Astelle // Apr 2, 2008 at 7:12 pm

  Sheila, Rainey - Ladies, cut the contact!
  There is no other way with these guys.

• 52 NML // Apr 2, 2008 at 9:29 pm

  Ah Astelle! You have learnt so much! I am so proud

• 53 Astelle // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:11 pm

  Thanks NML, I really have thanks to you.
  Will you still be able to answer my questions from March 11th?

• 54 NML // Apr 2, 2008 at 10:15 pm

  Oh yes. It’s one of the posts. I sent you an email earlier so check your mail and let me know your thoughts!

• 55 Sheila // Apr 3, 2008 at 1:37 pm

  NML… i would like to take a page out of your book.. I just broke 3 weeks of NC last night.. I ignored the text, was very proud of myself. Then he called.. after 3 weeks of not speaking to him, just text messages.. I looked at the phone for about 20 seconds and picked up!!! God,it’s so hard. It was a weird convo, def not the same, no idea why he decided to call me after not speaking to him in 3 weeks… I was upbeat, I was not down, I just have to decide what happens next. I cannot have false hope, but I know in a few days, let’s say this w/e, if I do not hear from him, I’ll be down and out. I think at that point I will be pissed off and leave him behind and move on. Seems nothing changes except my hopes from high to low.. I can deal with not contacting
  him, that is not the hard part, it’s ignoring the texts and not picking up that phone last night.. God, it’s like getting over a drug!!!!

  Any input will be helpful…
  Thanks, girls

• 56 heartbroken // Apr 3, 2008 at 8:31 pm

  I had no contact for about 3 weeks. Then he called. I did not answer. Then 3 weeks later he showed up on my door and I let him in. We were together for a couple of more weeks and I told him things had to be different. He just ended it with me because he was feeling an overall sense of guilt. He said that I was a good person and he felt he was leading me down the wrong path. I am so heart broken. I miss him already and I wonder if there will be an ounce of him that misses me. Ughh this is terrible. My advice to you is to change your phone number. I will probably do the same. So that one day if he is no longer feeling guilty he can’t contact me.

• 57 GiaNYC // Apr 4, 2008 at 1:12 am

  Hi everyone. OMG this site is the absolute BEST!!! Please I need all the advice I can get! It’s been about 3 weeks since Ive had NC w my EUM. We were together for 1.5yrs. Crazy thing is we met @ work but I had a boyfriend who is from the UK. While he tried to get w me KNOWING I had a man I did everything to avoid him and treat him as a colleague. Unfortunately 1 yr later my boyfriend moved back to London and I fell victim to my EUM’s charm. At first he was attentive and charming. And the crazy part was I was sooooooo not attracted to him in the beginning-eeeeeewwww-not my type @ all. But boy does this man have swagger!!! Before I knew it we were having drinks after work, dinner date here and there,eventually it became sexual. I was worried bc I suspected he was a playa but I still stayed w him. I also dated other men. (not bc i wanted to but bc he was always absent) Anyway it got to the point where we would get into heated arguments bc of the other guys i dated and i would get upset w him for constantly lying to me about having a girlfriend. ( i always suspected he was still seeing an ex bc he was so secretive about their r’ship). One nite I hacked into his Blackberry and saw messeges btwn him and another woman telling her he loves her and she saying the same. It sounded like they had history bc the other woman made references to seeing his parents- so I knew this other woman was something more than a fling. Of course he said she was just a friend and I accepted it. (STUPID ME) Also he would always show up @ my apartment after 10 or 11pm, and leave @ 5am to go home and go to work. He had a pattern, 2-3nites a week he would come over but I would hardly ever get to be with him on Fri, Sat, Sun. And yes since we work together we would go to lunch or take Starbucks runs together, constantly Im’ng, txtng, etc…it then got to the point where i wanted more so i started seeing my UK ex again. I live in NYC and my ex would come and visit and stay @ my place-thats when my EUM would flip the f*ck out! But what I dont understand is if he didnt want to give me what I want, why continue to pursue me????? Why didnt he let me go when i left him???? I continued to date my ex, and other guys but my EUM was the ONLY guy I was sleeping with. He played so many head games with me, telling me he loved me, introducing me as his ‘wifey’ to his boys, saying he wantes to get me pregnant-wild things!!! Crazy part was HE was the one practically begging me to give US a label-he wanted me to refer to him as my boyfriend and I was the one who refused to do the label thing bc tho he was saying the right things, his actions were different. Where was he when I was txtng him, calling him on fri, sat, sun??? Cmon I wasnt stupid, Ive had my share of experience ya know?? I wont lie I love him, and we broke up many times in the 16months-but we always came back to each other. Its now been 3weeks since I saw him…Its hard bc we didnt really have a break up…Last I saw him I took him out to dinner for his Bday…he later emailed me in the day thanking me for lunch and telling me he loved me.
  I then asked him if he was coming over later on in the evening he said yes he will see me @ 11pm that nite-his usual.. He never showed up that nite, I txt him like a mad woman asking where he was, but he never answered…the next morning, I txt him again ,asking his where abouts and telling him how much he hurt me (pathetic i know) 3 weeks later I still have not gotten an answer from him. This is the longest we ever have gone w NC. I REFUSE to contact him. The next day I saw him walking away from my cubicle as i was coming out of the kitchen…he turned around and we made eye contact, i then walked in the opposite direction.. I KNEW he was coming by to give me a pathetic sob excuse like he always does…i couldnt take it anymore. That saturday I got a missed call from him w a voicemail @ 2am. I heard the VM and it sounded like he was in a club-loud music but yet he didnt speak on the mssg. I was left wondering- did he do that on purpose so that I can know he was in a club and moved on?? Did he dial my # by accident???? Why call me and not say anything???? Or did he do it just so that he can put himself back on my radar?? This was all 3weeks ago. I dont know if I will ever hear from him again. Tho we work in the same company, we work on different floors and our company has 300+ employees. I know we will run into each other and that worries me. I went on a job interview today-I hope i get it. Its been extremely hard not contacting him but the way I look @ it this is a short term pain, compared to the heartache and longterm pain I faced with him. Thank you all I appreciate it. I need the strength. I am getting better little by little….this man was my heroin and now Im in detox-thats how it feels…Any advice, words of encouragement, answers to my questions???

  3weeks n surviving,
  GiaNYC

• 58 Rainy // Apr 5, 2008 at 8:39 am

  thanks a lot sheila, astelle…i am really glad tht there r people who finally understand wht im going thru…same here sheila, i am going thru a divorce and my ex husband is giving me tough time but my MM is no where around to support me….if he cant even b a loyal friend in my time of need, then what’s his purpose in my life? i keep telling myself this over and over again and trying my best to forget him…but i still miss him…and like every other woman, i keep thinking the same thing tht if he thinks about me even once in all day or is he so busy and happy with his family and kids tht even my thoughts dont exist for him anymore…he was the one who chased me and i was going thru a tough breakup when we met and i shared all my hurts and troubles of my married life and how miserable i was…he was the one who consoled me, and always tried to advice me and gradually we got involved…though i kept telling him i dont want it as he was comitted and i dont want to ruin his life..mine was already destroyed….but now tht my case is finally in the court, he just disappeared….i feel he backed off coz he is afraid tht ill hang around his neck like a noose once my case is official….i had warned him and refused him so many times telling him we have no future and not to think about me in those terms..but he had been so adamant and so forceful and stubborn….and now, he just left me, ditched me….and i miss him so much….we could have atleast remained good friends, but he doesnt want anything to do with me anymore……im trying to be aloof, and im planning to travel to distract myself….wish me luck girls…………and thnks a lot everyone……..!

• 59 Linda // Apr 5, 2008 at 12:28 pm

  Hey girls- I’m so sorry that I’ve been out of contact with you. I was away on business. Business with some friends thrown in. Girls, I have learned in the past two weeks that you need to get out of your houses and go do something fun with girlfriends!! Two of my girlfriends and I were in Chicago for business but we went out every night. We didn’t go out looking for men, we went to have a few drinks and laugh. Men came to us- some creepy, some trying to pick us up and some just guys who wanted to laugh with us. Let me tell you, I feel SOOOO goood about myself right now. A little ego boost is a wonderful thing. Both of my friends are married and I’m a quiet person out of my comfort zone. It’s time to get out of your comfort zone which is, I realize, these EUMs. I actually introduced myself ( a first time for me ever at 43 years old) to a guy sitting next to me and we talked and laughed for 2 hours!! I saw him the next night also and now I’m going back to visit him in 2 weeks!! First, he’s nobody I would ever picture myself with for the rest of my life, he’s tototally oppposite from what I had but we had fun and we laughed!! Neither one of us is looking for anything. And if we stay friends the rest of our lives, even better. Girls, find a distraction, find a transition guy, someone to have fun with. It does wonders. Girls there is fun and laughter after these men. It was so refreshing to talk to someone without any games. He’s knows my situation and he just got out of a relationship, too so we have lots in common. But we hardly talked about that. He was nice, funny, wasn’t trying to grope me, wasn’t promising me the moon(we all have had that), wasn’t promising me anything - we just talked. When I first got to Chicago, I was checking to see if my EUM was online and by the end of the trip, I wasn’t even bothering. The first step is to get your self esteem back!! I don’t care how you do it. Join an online dating site and chat with men. Having ONE guy tell you that you are pretty is worth more than you will imagine. And go do things that you don’t normally do. I don’t go to bars where I live , I certainly NEVER initiated a conversation with a guy before , I never gave my phone number to someone let alone ask him if I could come back and visit. My friends and family are totally SHOCKED- that’s so not me. But it feels GREAT. What do you have to lose at this point?? If this guy would have told me that he didn’t want me to come back to Chicago, would that rejection have been worse than what I have been going through?? Uh, not even on the same planet. My girlfriend asked me what if my EUM would call in the next couple of weeks?? So what if he does?? I have no intention of having contact. I now see how badly I let him treat me and alot of it is because at least you know what you have. Any of you are looking for a GREAT book - Men Who Can’t Love. I am almost done with it and it is these commitment phobe guys to a tee. I’ve been chuckling reading it. We all derserve better. Sheila- I know that feeling - the rollercoaster. That’s what keeps me NC when I feel like texting or calling. The known disappointment that will happen. I know after all these years he will still disappoint me - it isn’t going to change. I never want to feel that dread again with him. I will try to call you this weekend and I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch. Hang in there.

• 60 Sheila // Apr 7, 2008 at 1:48 pm

  gosh, where do I start with my worldwind w/e where I just totally lost all my hard work.. I had been in contact alot with my EUM last week.. via texts and one lengthy phone call. Friday night came and nothing except random texts.. Saturday came and I was down and out.. so down and out!!!! Here we go again.. thinking something will change and it doesn’t.. The lows have hit and it’s bad.. I decide at about 4pm, I’m going to change phone plans so I can block his number and texts as well as block myself from calling.. Yes, girls AT & T has this feature, so i switched phone plans.. I have already changed my number, btw.. that was not an option.. I did it, I got the new plan, and paid to get out of my old contract. I figured, since I’m not strong enough to not pick up, text back, etc.. I’ll use some outside help. I could not go about blocking his # til 24hr after my service started, which put me into Sunday night. I get a late text on Saturday night, and respond on Sunday morning. This leads to other texts and eventually leads me to ask him to coffee. He says, “sure”.. I shower and call him, he says let’s meet at my place and walk down city. I say, “ok”.. I get to his house, it was not awkward at all, which was weird. We walk down and have coffee, then he wants to eat. We walk back to his place and decide where to get lunch, but not before we end up in bed, as he is chomping at the bit, when I’m there, and I know it… After our romp, we go and get lunch and spend most of the day together. I leave about 4ish, and text him “great time today, thx for lunch”. He responds.. He then calls a while later to make sure i got his return text, as my new plan does not let him know whether texts go thru or not. I tell him, yes…
  Where am I now? High on life thinking something will change.. and thinking not to get caught up in it, b/c he’s not..

  Stay tuned for my downslide.. It’s coming.. All this, after I changed my phone plan to block him.. Seriously.. what is wrong with me????

• 61 GiaNYC // Apr 8, 2008 at 3:43 am

  Wow Sheila!! I read ur story from the beginning and I sooooo know how you’re feeling. Its like a page outta my life. Ive be in NC w my EUM for 4weeks now. The bastard called me yesterday morning but I REFUSE to answer his calls…hes called 3times since we split 5weeks ago. He doesnt txt or leave voicemails which leaves me confused until Cheekie mentioned that he’s ‘fishing’ meaning he wont leave a vm bc he cant tell if Im happy to hear from him or not. I wanted to call him today or even txt him saying “hey i saw u called me yesterday” but I HATE handing him over the power to my happiness and i know once i dial his # im giving power back to him. I hope it works out for you. Stay occupied but dont focus on him. Ive been there before…after fantastic sex being on a high for a couple of days and then BOOM he acts up again and im back to stage one…sounds like this dude is your drug…my EUM was like heroin for me and the first wk w/o NC i was in a painful brutal detox…yes I feel like relapsing at times I hope to stay strong…Hang in there and please keep us updated!!!

• 62 Sheila // Apr 8, 2008 at 1:21 pm

  well, I saw him again last night.. no sx..just dinner before he left for business for the week. It was fine, but the unknown kills me. I was great up until I got home last night and spiraled downward very quickly!!!!! I find that night time is very hard and mornings before you get out of bed are very hard. Yes, I obsess about it.. My friends must be so sick of hearing it and by now must think I make my bed by replying to him etc… Which is where the blocked calls with come in.. He is away til Sunday. I cannot do anything while he is not here, but I do have a plan. I know things will not changed, but very curious the contact he plans on making while he is away.. Either way.. I go to divorce court a week from today.. When i walk out of there next week, I have decided that I am also walking on my EUM. Yes, I guess I could block him today but i’m curious, but have no expectations. I will not, I repeat will not, have that convo with him, “what’s going on with us”.. pathetic, needy and will suck the last of my self respect. I’d rather just leave him and this situation cold turkey. I’m sure it will be a long week, it’s already been a long long night..
  Gia, I know it’s like de tox, but they say it gets easier if you do it the right way. Last night was so bad for me b/c I started analyzing everything . A few weeks back when the NC was in full swing, I thought about him, but knew I wasn’t talking to him. Totally different. The books, therapists, friends, and other people, are correct. NO CONTACT.

  Keep posting!!!

• 63 GiaNYC // Apr 8, 2008 at 4:24 pm

  Sheila, your last posting has given me strength not to contact my EUM. I was tempted to call or txt this morning but after reading this posting I wont do it!!! This always happens when he contacts me!!!! I hate it!!!!!!! But reading the highs n low feeling that ure experiencing reminds me of the painful memories. And those same exact feelings I felt. I believe he will contact you while he is away but I dont see anything ever changing with him. With these EUM they will keep you like this for years n years-its comfortable to them. Whats NOT comfortable is NC. They NEED to know you want them, desire them, need to hear from them. I did NC cold turkey w my EUM. He doesnt know if im alive or dead..(he knows im alive bc my cell is still on w vm lol) But I went from constantly txtng, calling him to not ever calling or txtng him again (he pulled one of his usuals- not coming over when he said he would moves) After not coming over, nor calling me to tell me he wasnt coming over, I decided that was it IM DONE and I cold turkeyed NC’d him. NOW he’s the one looking for me. It’s all ego for them, they need reassurance. My advice is to cold Turkey him on YOUR terms-do it before he does it for good. Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. I know that unknown feeling oh so well…it got to the point where my whole life,wknds, revolved around him and all for nothing bc in the end he would never show up or stick to the plans we had. We are so better off w/o them.. My advice cold turkey him while hes away!!! Keep us posted..

• 64 GiaNYC // Apr 8, 2008 at 8:17 pm

  Arrrgggghhhh I want to contact my EUM!!! Someone help me stay strong!! I wish he didnt call me on Sunday!!!

• 65 Astelle // Apr 8, 2008 at 8:36 pm

  GiaNYC, don’t contact him!! Read your advise to Sheila and follow it. It will get better and easier, I promise. For me cutting contact gave me piece, no more checking my phone or e-mail
  constantly.
  Don’t do it!!!!!!!!!!!!

• 66 GiaNYC // Apr 8, 2008 at 9:27 pm

  Thanks Astelle-it was momentary!!! But gosh its so over powering!!! I needed that

• 67 GiaNYC // Apr 8, 2008 at 9:27 pm

  I didnt do it!!!!

• 68 Astelle // Apr 8, 2008 at 9:33 pm

  Good, go to bed, watch TV, chocolate….

• 69 GiaNYC // Apr 8, 2008 at 9:53 pm

  Lol cant!!! I live in NYC its smack in the middle of the day and Im @ work!!!! Tho I did have M&m’s lol

• 70 Astelle // Apr 8, 2008 at 10:09 pm

  Sorry, I looked at the time of your post at it said 9:27 PM and now I realized there is a 6 hours time difference to the wbsite.
  Enjoy your M&M”s

• 71 Linda // Apr 9, 2008 at 3:46 am

  Hey Girls! I was reading all the posts and everyone is so RIGHT. We are so better off without them. We deserve to be treated better than that. Would you treat a girlfriend that way?? I wouldn’t. I am 4-1/2 weeks NC and I feel so much better. I still think about him often but I DON’T even WANT to hear from him now. There is NOTHING he can say at this point that would persuade me to go back to that. They should have treated us better when they had us!! What if you only got one chance in life- what if we didn’t allow chance after chance?? And GiaNYC- you’re completely correct- don’t give them that power. I have also disappeared off the face of the earth to him and his family. Let them all wonder what happened to me. I don’t want to know what he’s doing or who he’s doing it with. I got sooooo tired of feeling depressed and crying and hurt, that I couldn’t do it anymore. I am a pretty optimistic person, I like to laugh and have a good time and I couldn’t stand the way I felt. HE is not in charge of my happiness. Shelia, bet he disappears when you sign your divorce papers. Mine totally changed when I was available. It was the beginning of the end. It took 4 years and 4 break ups to get to this point and now I realize that I was putting everything into it and what was I getting?? “I don’t know” - that was his famous answer for every question. I didn’t realize how exhausting it was to date him until now. If he doesn’t (or chooses because it’s all their choice) not to love me the way I loved him then I deserve someone who will. Why do we want to be with someone who doesn’t have enough respect or love for us to treat us better?? You shouldn’t need “breaks” or break ups or other women to decide that you love me or miss me. So, you have to break my heart into a million pieces to realize that you love me?? I don’t think so. I didn’t have to do that to him. And where are all these men while we’re crying ourselves to sleep every night?? Where are they when we call them crying?? Where are they when we feel like the ugliest, most worthless girls in the world?? They certainly aren’t there to make us feel better. In fact, they are the ones who stole our self esteems while we continue to stroke their egos by contacting them or letting them know we are still “waiting”. Be strong- call friends, write in a journal, read a book, start a project around your home, whatever you can to get your mind off of him. I have done so many projects that I have put off for years. I typed and organized all my recipes- something I have been wanting to do for years. Stupid but it helped. Hang in there everyone, it will get better. But everytime you have contact, it is back to square one.

• 72 Sheila // Apr 9, 2008 at 1:47 pm

  Hi girls.. contact does put you back to square one.. ask me I should know.. I have heard from my EUM since he’s been away.. Yesterday when he called it was actually normal again.. No expectations though.. I will wait the week out and see how this plays out.. He will not be home til Sunday.. On another note, I had a conversation with my div atty yesterday, who is also a friend of a friend. He is brutally honest about his own life and others, it’s almost refreshing. He knows my EUM, thru friends, and called him, “self-absorbed, selfish, into material things, image, and not a real person”.. That made me feel better. I called my atty to discuss my EUM with him, b/c I knew he’d give it to me straight, which he did. One point was.. “he’s still married, you’re chasing a married man”, “why do you even want him back?”, “you’re too real for him, and you can get way better”. He has been thru the ringer as well, is on his 2nd marriage with a girl he had an affair with, so alot of this stuff hit close to home. He suggested a letter.. and SENDING IT. I said, “what do i put”, and he said, “everything you’ve been ranting about to me the past half hour.. he’s selfish, self-absorbed, a hypocrite”.. tell him.. he needs to hear that, he got off too easy by you and him still being friends or whatever you are calling it. He said put it in a letter, send it, and block his number and be done with it. He noted the lack of respect he must have for me for cont to contact me after i asked him not to, for sending pix and texts that pull on my heart strings, etc..
  He also told me to be prepared that after the letter, that’s it.. unless he’s a different breed, he will leave you alone and be pissed at the things you’ve said to him.. He asked me several times..”aren’t you mad yet?”..
  I can write the letter.. yes. sending it will be the hard part..

  any thoughts????

• 73 Astelle // Apr 9, 2008 at 3:48 pm

  Write that letter, send it or not, I believe with this guy the outcome would be the same.
  He doesn’t care what you think or feel, it is all about him.
  Listen to what your attorney said, he is not a real person, has no respect for you and NEVER will.
  Cut the contact for your own sake. Ignore him.

• 74 GiaNYC // Apr 9, 2008 at 3:50 pm

  Hard to say Sheila…sounds like in writing the letter you will be beating a dead horse. What more can you say that he doesnt already know??? In my opinion in writing the letter you run the risk of sounding whiney and complaining. Your EUM knows all this already and right now he’s just thinking he’s got you where he wants you just off the fact that you guys are now in contact and sleeping together again. If you really want to be with him then it sounds like it will only be under his terms-are you prepared for that? I say no letter, and just start a STRICT NC again. Unfortunately you are back to square 1 but you can still redeem yourself.. The past 2days ive been so tempted to contact my EUM (he called me this past sunday but left no mssgs) but i havent-yet. The crazy part ladies is that I went out on Saturday and met a nice guy and just found out yesterday that he’s MARRIED w one child!!!!! This man is now stalking me via txt mssgs BEGGING me to go out to dinner w him!!!! My life is one big soap opera lol

• 75 GiaNYC // Apr 9, 2008 at 3:53 pm

  Astelle,

  You’re 110pct right!!!!

• 76 Sheila // Apr 9, 2008 at 4:26 pm

  you guys kill me.. I’m laughing over here.. esp at Gia’s married man that is stalking her.. WTF!!!!
  You guys are both right.. but I have to say my reluctancy is sounding whiney and pathetic as Gia said.. I have a plan..
  I go to divorce court on Tuesday. I have a huge feeling I will leave there and feel maybe a little differently bout this EUM nonsense, I could be wrong, just a hunch. At that point, unless God walks on water and things change, I will put the NC into full swing with the restricted calls, texts, etc.. If and only if, he contacts me say, via email, I will then blast him with my letter or email at that time. That way he is inquiring why I have not answered him or contacted him and it’s the perfect opportunity to tell him why and what I think about him and the situation. I would like to go about this the right way.. and not look needy and whiney, but will have the opport. if he opens that door as to why I’ve gone radio silent on him. Maybe he won’t inquire and will finally walk away and leave me be.. If that’s the case, no letter. I think cutting him off at the knees w/o an explanation, fight or convo, speaks volumes such as “i’m done with this bs