The No Contact Rule is a delicate balancing act between taking back control, booting someone out of your life (even if they don’t know it) and not going crazy. You apply the No Contact Rule (NCR) when you are in a relationship that just won’t die a death even though it’s dead as a dodo, when a guy likes to boomerang in and out of your life whenever it suits, and especially when you keep flogging a dead horse and chasing the guy around even though he is mistreating you.
The No Contact Rule is about closure and closing a door even when you don’t get to have a ‘conversation’ or a big break up moment, and this is what most women struggle with. You LOVE to have the conversation and you NEED to have the break up moment because you think it’s what you need for closure and you like wondering ‘What if?’
What if I play doormat a little bit more? Maybe he’ll finally see how great I am?
What if I expect nothing at all from him? Maybe he won’t feel so pressured.
What if I finish it with him and he then becomes The Ideal Man for the next woman?
I’m going to say something that some of you will not want to hear. With men that don’t know their arses from their elbow, blow hot and cold, and won’t commit to either being with you or not being with, you have got to toughen up.
‘Conversations’ with a man that you’ve been going nowhere with, who has been using you, sleeping with you when it suits, disappearing, coming back, making promises, breaking promises, whatever, don’t make a blind bit of difference. They just give you a reason to look for that one little eeeny weeny nugget of something to make you stay invested and give him a chance, just so that he can turn around and do the same thing all over again!
Ladies, wise up, toughen up, smell the coffee, and take control because you can’t control him and the way this dead end relationship is going but you can control how YOU are affected by being with him and you can get closure without him being the one to close the door. Why the hell do we need these men to close the door for closure? WE can close the door and damn well slam it shut when they try to push it back open.
And that is the barometer of how successful the NCR is – When they attempt to open the door, there must be no response. The door must be closed, not slightly ajar to hear whatever rinky, dinky, BS excuse he has.
So what does the NCR involve?
No calling, emailing, faxing, message in a bottle, texting, communication by osmosis, Morse code, or anything. No contact means no contact. It is that simple. Sit on your hands, tape your dialing fingers together, reward yourself for getting to milestones but do not contact him.
Do not allow any of the following things to break the NCR:
You’re hormonal.
You’re horny.
You’re drunk.
You’re lonely.
You’re nostalgic.
You’re weak.
You have an emergency.
You’re out of another break up with someone else and seeking comfort.
If you react to any of these booby traps, you will not only end up regretting it, but you will have to start the whole process all over again, whilst he sits there thinking ‘ so she does still want me. Mmm, yeah I still don’t wanna be with her though….’
No contacting him via your friends. Instruct all that know you both not to come to you with any information about him, unless he has ‘the clap’ or some other such STD that affects your health. You need to move on and forget about him, not be hearing out of context information where people make more out of something than actually exists.
No sex. No quick fumbles, slippery snogs, one last shag for old times sake, or any bodily contact. Ever.
Get rid of his contact details. I’ll let you keep his number for three months and that is only so that you know it is him if he decides to call and you’ll know not to answer. Otherwise wipe out all information you have on him because no contact means you are breaking up and closing the door on that chapter in your life.
Challenge yourself not to think about him. Day one, each time you think of him, mark it down on a sheet of paper in your diary or something. Total it up and the next day, aim to do less. Or if you’re really hung up it might be better to do it by week. Target yourself to reduce it down each day/week. The trick is that if you are focusing on you and feeling in a better place emotionally, you won’t be thinking about this joke of a man.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Ladies im still in the loop….Im still single..NC still in place..No EUM in sight! Great!
I feel back to square one as in when he dumped me he said he just wanted to be on his own, and now my friend told me that he always seems to have a different girl on, therefore I conclude it must just have been me he didn’t want. It doesn’t help to hear what he’s up to. Kim, yeah, sorry what I meant was his X, Kim left him for another man and you were talking about your husband leaving you for another woman, I don’t explain myself very well sometimes!
Day 8 NC today.. and Day6 of the blocked cell phone.. Here are my thoughts.. the anxiety is easing up, but I still feel as though I’m thinking about him alot.. I guess that’s normal since i just stopped contact with him a week ago.. Of course I’m thinking, does he care? what is he thinking? is he glad, relieved or bitter? I know I shouldn’t care..I dont want any part of him the way things were the last 3 months, his terms, his texts, his phonecalls, when HE felt like it.. I am no longer his fall back girl, and don’t have to worrya bout him hurting me since he is not in my life anymore.. but, honestly.. it’s still painful? I’m thinking the thoughts of him will diminish and the pain will get less?
To all you hardcore NC girls.. your thoughts/advice????
I am on day 16 of NC with my EUM. I seem to go in phases of telling myself I am doing the right thing, and then all of a sudden I’m questioning myself and missing him, etc. etc. I think that’s normal. I really think that time is the healer, and if we can let enough time go by they will fade away from our hearts and minds. We just have to take it one day at a time. I truly believe that the pain gets lessened as time goes by, but again the NC is really important to reach this goal. Strength and courage to all of you!
finally over it.. i go thru the same emotions.. there are times that I think I have jumped the gun, owe him an explanation, over reacted, and actually want to talk to him. It fades, but it’s still there.. We are both very fresh into this.. me 1 week and you 2 weeks.. I think all these feelings are normal.. If it makes you feel any better, I stick to one thought…everytime I have tried this it has gone down the drain in about a week to two weeks…and I always think that something will change, and it never, never does. I always think the next w/e will be different, he will be different, but it never is. That is way more depressing than this could ever be. 2 w/e ago, was the worst, i broke down, he got his fix, and he rejected me when I tried to meet up with him, all the while continued to call and text me for the next 3 days…It was then i decided to finally block him from my cell, no calls out, no calls in, and no texts either way!!!! I also blocked my email, but could not block my work email.. and guess what? NOTHING!!! Call it his ego (that seems to be a common denominator here), pride or him not caring, he has not reached out. They can all find us if they want to, remember that. I will never reach out to him, but it saddens me that he hasn’t reached out to me, just confirming that i’m doing the right thing.
stay strong …..we will be much better in the end if we stick to this NC..
Sheila, tell yourself every day: I won’t be his doormat anymore! Do you understand how much power he has over you and control?
Doesn’t this get you mad? I don’t understand why you are waiting for him to reach out to you? Reach out for what?
It will get easier with time, but you have to put the focus on you, accept what happened and make sure you will never let a man do that to you again.
You know, I chased and chases and now months later I was thinking, OMG how could I have done that to myself, cutting contact gave me instant peace and I also know he can’t suck me back in, I have learned too much and my pride won’t allow it.
it certainly does get easier with time – i’m 24 days NC and i feel much more at peace. however, i’ve been feeling depressed the last couple of days. he is constantly on my mind and yesterday, he texted me. he asked if i’m “better” yet and that he misses the hell out of me.
i bet he does. i have to say, the text made me smile. but i didn’t reply.
i’m thinking of calling him on his bday in a week. what do you all think???? i go back and forth with it still.
xoxo
Sheila, you are completely right–nothing will ever change. I know this, and that’s also what keeps me strong. My EUM will never wake up one day and decide I am the most wonderful woman he has ever met. Quite the opposite, he used to say to me “When I meet the woman of my dreams….” which of course was a message to me that I am not, and will never be, the woman of his dreams. Not surprising that my self-esteem took a beating….
astelle.. honestly… we were in a full fledged serious relationship from last May til this past February.. that’s what makes this so hard.. It was not all roses and lollipops, one reason being he was only seperated not divorced and there was alot of BS.. he is still no divorced, maybe once his lease is up in July, he’ll go back home. He put me thru hell the past year, hell!!! I went thru with all of our plans, he on the other hand did not and let me down. He is a self-absorbed, lying, hypocritical coward and I know that, but I can’t snap my fingers and have my feelings just disappear. If i wanted to continue this game, I would have never blocked him.. I blocked him and told him “game over”.. if i’m not in your life as we were, i’m not in your life at all.. None of this friend bullshit, and that’s exactly what it is. I have lost a best friend too and it sucks, but I’m not dwelling on this any longer than I have already. I’ve already wasted 3 months thinking something would change. Shame on me!!!!
Astelle-I kinda understand where you’re coming from and the frustration.. See Sheila when you’re ‘healed’ and on the other side (if you wanna call it that) it becomes difficult to identify with the problem the same way as others who are struggling. Thats the beautiful thing about NC and focusing on you-you dont see things the same and its very easy to spot the problem. For me its gotten to the point where I cant remember the # of wks since i implemented NC tho I believe its somewhere around 9 (mainly bc Linda and I started @ the same time). Yes I did see him once but I got back on NC and stayed on NC-now I really dont care…I think of him @ times but its not so intense.. You kinda have to ask yourself do you want to stay miserable and be depressed or are you going to get up and do smthng about it. You already started-8days-stick to it and stop thinking of what ifs-think of it as being on a diet and losing weight. (so cliched but true)
Ladies remember these men are NOT losing sleep over us!!! Why should we??
Ok, ladies, I have a question for all of you.
Let’s imagine that your EUM woke up one morning, and realized that he was totally in love with you, and wanted to spend every waking moment with you, shower you with love and affection, fulfill your every need and desire, and basically make you the center of his universe. He was completely remorseful and filled with regret about his horrible behavior toward you, and said his being emotionally unavailable all those years was an unexplained phenomenon that he has totally recovered from, and he is ready, willing and able to be the man you have dreamed of all these years.
The question is: Would you still want him?
Gia, I am really just trying to help and I am not frustrated at all. I understand the pain very well. There has to be a time where we tell ourselves, enough is enough, there is no answer or solution other than to walk away.
Eventually I got to the point where I asked myself, do I keep this up or do I close the door. It is like ripping of a band aid, you can do it slow and it hurts longer or you rip it off fast.
Very true-love the analogy
I have to laugh at the “rip the band aid off”.. My EUM used to say that to me all the time in reference to telling my husband I was leaving him.. One day he even sent me a pix of a band aid..
Oh, life works in funny ways huh?
“Sheila, rip the band aid off”…
Now look a year later, and he can’t even spell band aid
Finallyoverit- as much as I loved him I would have to say “no”. The trust is gone and I would forever doubt his words-so what would be the point??? Our happiness would be so temporary.
GiaNYC – so true. As much as I still hurt at times being back with them is not the answer. I could never trust again either & you cant have a relationship without that.
Ladies, please read this as it’s very important!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I am going to have to do two of three things:
Close comments on this post
Set up a new post for you to continue this discussion
Set up a section on the forum
I mentioned a while ago to be careful of using more than one comment in a row – for instance speaking to one person in a comment, posting it, and then starting a new one because the site is slowing down! I’m not at that stage where I want to buy a dedicated server which means that you guys have to make a choice.
I don’t want to delete any comments which means I’m going to have to sit for a few hours and condense where there is a string from one person so that the page speeds up but also doesn’t cause the site to crash.
So what to do now?
Check out http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forum and consider whether you want a section in there or a for me to set up a continuation of this post.
I don’t mind if you discuss amongst yourselves here but I will have to condense afterwards.
In the meantime until the situation is resolved, please don’t do strings of comments – that means don’t post three times in a row to different people. Use the comments like this:
Astelle –
Kim –
GiaNYC -
This way everyone knows who you’re referring to.
Sorry to get all technical – I just don’t want this page to die after all of your contributions!
FinallyOverIt, I agree with Gia- I wouldn’t go back – the trust is gone and besides most of us have already heard all those things before. I would always be waiting for him to run again. MAYBE, if he went thru therapy with and without me, MAYBE, but that’s no guarentee. And we all know that therapy would be way too much for the ego. Sheila, You are only 1 week NC, what you are feeling is normal. Of course you’re still thinking about him all the time. I may be 2 months ahead of you but I still remember THAT pain. We were all doormats and sometimes that is pretty humiliating but it doesn’t take away the pain you’re going thru now. And it’s still so fresh for you. At 1-2 weeks NC, I wasn’t “working” on myself yet. I was still believing he would show up at my door and regret the horrible mistake he made. I was sad, mad, confused and crying all the time. So, you can’t just turn the feelings off but pretty soon, you will have to focus on you and moving on. And you may have to force yourself but don’t bury all your grieving feelings. You need to feel all that to heal. Just don’t let it go on forever.
NML-so sorry. I will condense all my mssgs into one posting as I would hate for you to close this forum. Ladies please lets all try to mindful of NML’s request.
Well I was downloading more songs onto my Ipod and one of my favorites is Power of Goodbye from Madonna. The lyrics are so true-about letting go..here they are:
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something’s wrong
I pray to God that it won’t be long
Do ya wanna go higher?
Chorus:
There’s nothing left to try
There’s no place left to hide
There’s no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress
Chorus2:
There’s nothing left to lose
There’s no more heart to bruise
There’s no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye
How great are those lyrics…letting go of things that are not beneficial to you in life. Ladies learning to sat goodbye..Check the video out on youtube-great somg-very touching
NML- maybe set up a new post
NML – I think a section in the Forum has the advantage that related (new) posts can be put under the same header. I’d go for it.
I have some comments and questions for you ladies, but given the loading time of the page already, I’ll withhold until this issue is resolved.
Good luck and good vibes for everyone! Stay positive.
Hi Ladies.. I thought I would share a rather sad story, but a story that I think will put what we feel about these men in a little perspective. I just got news last night that a close friend of the family, I grew up with her, committed suicide. She was 42 years old and had two kids. She jumped off a bridge. She was divorced but had been for years, so I’m thinking that had nothing to do with it. She has been in alot of therapy, and recently realized that her brother and father molested her as a child. She had originally thought it was just dreams and that it never actually happened. She was involved with a MM and the relationship was very volatile. The wife had a restraining order on her, many confrontations, but somewhere, somehow, the relationship continued. I’m sure it was a combination of everything which sent her over the edge, her affair being one of reasons. I know we have all felt, myself included, that we will never get beyond our heartbreak. About 3 months ago, I felt that I would never get beyond it. The days when I was up at 6am and wondering what I was going to do with myself all day, so distraught. My point being, these men are not worth it , although it takes time to see the light. Talk to family, post here, talk to friends, but always remember that his heart ache is a feeling and like every other feeling it passes with time. I know you have all been there, just wishing the pain would go away, but it does. This BS we are dealing with or have dealt with will just make us stronger women and we will come out on top. It’s never that bad. As we sit here and talk about NC, I have realized that it is the only way to go to heal. I’m on Day 10, and although it still hurts, I am slowly healing. We can all heal from this, let’s just take the steps we need to get there!!
My thought for today…
Sheila-
That story is horrible. Ughh. I am sooo sorry. That does put things in perspective.
Gia, Listen to Daughtry’s OVER YOU
Now that’s it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me
CHORUS:
Well, I never saw it coming
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally getting better.
And now I’m picking up the pieces.
I’m spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through, I got over you.
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me
CHORUS
Sheila, I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. That’s terrible. An old friend of mine’s husband died a couple of weeks ago, young 51, unexpectedly and it does put so many things in perspective. Life is so short and we need to live it. And be happy. And if someone isn’t a positive in our lives, they shouldn’t be in them. I’ve wasted too much time on my ex EUM. I actually am frustrated right now because I still think about him and I’m tired of it. I push the thoughts out of my head but I still hate that they creep in there. I keep telling myself that it has only been 9-10 weeks NC, but it feels like it’s been 9 months that he’s been gone. I am not tempted to have contact with him but there are still times I would love to tell him off. If I let myself dwell on the subject, I can still get pretty angry. It passes quickly and I tell myself that I spent all those years with him, I won’t be over it in 9 weeks. Then I move on but I can’t wait for the time when days or even months go by that I don’t think about him. I think now it’s hard because everything is associated to him. Songs, sunsets, Las Vegas (we were always there), there’s a million things. He’s ruined things like that for me. I know I’ll be fine once I do some of those things with some new guy but you know the first time will always remind me of him. And trusting someone else if they even utter something he said to me. Like the first time some other guy called me Baby- I think my eyeballs popped out of my head and I called my girlfriend- How do I tell him not to call me that?? She said chill and get over it. I did and it didn’t bother me again. Stupid stuff like that- nobody ever called me that but him. But thank goodness there will always be new memories to make with someone new.
Morning ladies! OK, aside from the new look, I have now fixed the issue in the forum which means I have set up a little spot for you ladies.
Please continue your conversation in the forum as it means that you can comment to your hearts content without problems with loading the page. Don’t forget that people will still be able to read all of your comments and this post, and then come and join you.
If you haven’t registered already, please register – there is a link on the forum
This is where you should continue the conversation.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forum/?forum=9&topic=166&page=1
See you there! Did you see my announcement about the book? xxx
hello ladies.. how everyone is doing well.. I hate Mondays…Today i’m a little down, today is a very significant date to me and my EUM, but like all other days, it will pass. I’m on Day 13 of NC.. tomorrow will be two weeks.. This is the longest I have ever gone without talking to him, texting him, etc.. 13 days- NOTHING!!!!
It’s hard, i still think about him alot, but the thoughts are not consuming and the anxiety is gone. Hopefully the thoughts will fade soon enough. I have been dating which is fun but dont’ feel remotely interested in anyone, which is fine. I also feel like I’m at the point where I don’t think I’ll ever feel the way towards anyone that I felt towards him. I’m imagining that this is normal, but I have no interest in casual sx or anything. I know we have all felt like this and I know I have felt like this in the past after a break up, but no one else interests me at all. I feel like I have reached the point of acceptance and am now just grieving. I know what you mean Linda about little things that are associated with him. I went to Boston on Saturday for the Red Sox game and had a knot in my stomach. We went up there all the time and I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
God, this scks… I do have to say that NC is the way to go. If I didn’t block his cell and email, I don’t think I would have been able to do it. He cannot have me as a friend in his life after eveything that has happened, so I’m glad I did what I did and have my self respect.
Linda, I hear that Daughtry song all the time.. great lyrics..
Sheila – I know the feeling well. I just got back from a trip. I had a lot of fun but nothing seems to compare to the times I had with my guy. I was with such fun, cute guys & I really did have a good time but why is it no ones seems to compare? I sometimes wonder if this “emptiness” will ever go away. I tried so hard to put myself “out there” & have fun. I would see a romantic couple, hear a song, etc. & it would just trigger a memory. It took me years to get past all of that the 1st time. To get a 2nd chance with him & do it again seems impossible at times. We both loved sports & I watched basketball playoffs yesterday & sat there & cried. It sucks. It has been months since we have broken up. I want to know 100% that he is EU with the “new girl’ & anyone else he meets so I can let go of all of this but I just don’t feel that is the case for some reason. Why is that? I WANT PROOF. I want to be a fly on the wall & know he is feeding her the same lines of shit & being a selfish egotistical ass. Even after reading all I have read & seeing all of the signs I still am not convinced . Isn’t it possible they remain EU until they fine “the one”? I read a good article regarding the show the “Bachelor” & how a guy just knows when a girl is the “one”. It said she is the woman that is sure of herself, that lives life to the fullest, that is genuine & passionate about things & not just HIM. That she isn’t afraid to open her heart & isn’t guarded. Her life doesn’t revolve around him. I don’t know about you but I was lacking in all of those areas. We somehow make our lives about them & they know that. I wasn’t even aware of it sometimes. I feel somtimes that is why my guy never committed. IIf he is really EU why is this super confident “newbie’ who models sticking with him? It all sickens me. Has your EUM ever divorced? Did he ever tell you he would ?
Sheila & Ladies,
I logged on today (like I do every day) and I was going to post but the funny thing was you had already posted exactly how I felt. I am 21 days of NC (7 weeks since we split) and for some reason this weekend was one of the hardest. I know I am doing NC for a reason – to move on to something better, something that I want and deserve – But (and I don’t know whether you feel the same) – it all feels a little at the moment like I am going through the motions. And like you – no-one else interests me They’re not him!!!!
I had a fight with logic this weekend – I know I am doing this for a reason, I know it was not what I wanted, I know he “played” me but if I’m honest I still have that feint hope that he will realise his loss.
21 days plus is the longest NC we have ever had, it was apx 21 days when we split before that he ended up contacting me and I suppose in a weird way because we are going past that time scale I am feeling hurt again – I know its wrong but I sort of expected to hear from him again – wanted to (if I am being 100% truthful) – Coz this right now sucks!!!!!!
Was on my own 5 years (after divorce) before I met him and now it feels just like more of the same. Boring!!! Pointless!!! Uninteresting!!! – Plastic men on plastic dates – Going through the motions.
This is where the fight with logic comes in – I read every day what you all say and I know that if I was back in the middle of it again – I would be feeling as raw and as unhappy and confused as I always was. But I miss him!!!
I’m not going to break the NC (I would look pretty stupid if I did – and I’ve done that enough times believe me) – but right now this minute – I wish he would.
Sorry, I know this goes against the whole principle of the site and the idea of NC but hey – if I can’t say it here where can I say it. I loved him and I still do. xx
Kim.. you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, so I’m sure it’s not all roses and lollipops between them. The issues he had are his issues, not issues that had anything to do with you. Those are the same issues he brought into this new relationship and the same sht will happen. Don’t beat yourself up about that.. you are who you are, and all the what if’s will drive you crazy. I have to say I haven’t cried in a while, but still have anxiety that hits me like a ton of bricks.
My EUM did tell me he was gonna divorce, then when we finally broke up the middle of February, he told me he was planning on divorcing but could not tell me when. He said, ” we were in two different places”, althuogh we both moved out at the same time, and he was pushing way more than I was. I cannot see him filing for divorce, and can’t see him going back. I do know that his lease on his apt is up the end of July, should be interesting to see what he does. I cannot picture him continuing to rent, but who knows. Maybe July will hit and he’ll move back with his wife. The whole thing just sickens me to death to be honest with you. He is one big hypocritical coward, who talks the talk, but can’t walk the walk. He cheats, he lies, and doesn’t take any responsibility for his actions. As much as I’m hurting, why would I want him. People don’t change and he won’t either. The guy that I fell in love with was not him, that guy was too real.
Everdream.. just saw your post.. OMG.. a page out of my book.. It’s not healthy for them to reach out, but you wish they would and realize their loss.. This is the longest yet I have gone.. and it’s so so hard. I think we still have that hope that all this work will pay off and they’ll come back to us, but that’s not true. I will not break NC either.. that is not an option.. You’re right, we would look like fools, and be back to square one. I keep the NC knowing that he has no say in the matter anymore as far as talking to me. He can’t call me, he can text but I won’t get it, and i blocked my email, so I won’t get that. He can still use work email but hasn’t, but guess what? I HAVENT’ EITHER.. Don’t think for a minute these guys are thinking any day will come and we’ll crack… I had to block his number from my cell, I am not strong enough to ignore him, so I had to take a diffrerent route. It’s also beneficial b/c i don’t know if he trys to call or not, so that takes all the drama out of it. I love knowing that i know nothing. It makes he healing a little quicker.
Hi Ladies,
Im not even sure how many wks of NC im in now but its been a 9 or 10. (broke it once) but I will tell you-it DOES get better. MY EUM called me last wk and I didnt pick up-had no desire to. I looked @ the # and hit ignore. Then I had a restricted # come in-I hit ignore. It may have been him….my point is I really dont care anymore. I love him but im falling out of love with him-I think of him sporadically thru out the day but the more I think of him the more convinced I am that I can do better-A LOT better! Im a prize in every sense of the word. Time truly does heal and if after 6wks you still find urself obsessing over ur EUM then you may want to seek out psychological help. Its not being said as an insult but truly you may need professional intervention. Bc the fact that we would be addicted someone who mistreated us goes a lot deeper than ‘love’. Ive realized that. What I think is love maybe an addiction to an unhealthy relationship. At the beginning of my NC I would get a high everytime I saw my EUM’s # come across my screen-I soooo wanted to pick up and I did once. When I saw his # last wk-I felt shock more than anything else also was turned off bc it shows hes still the same man. He’s obviously ‘fishing’ to see what I have been up to and who knows also to get a feel of my beautiful body (lol). All I can say is you will love and laugh again-just be strong. Im not 100pct healed but Im on my way to it-it can happen!!!
Oh and for you ladies who are new to the site-the ONE time I answered his call and broke 6 wks ofNC) he was over @ my house within the hour and we had sex…he was very attentive for the next few days but I could see he didnt change so I hopped back onto NC. My point is if you do fall off the wagon you CAN get back on. (Tho I would prefer you dont)
Everdream – I can totally relate. I am 8 years out of a divorce so I totally understand. Feels like the divorce all over again & I am so sick of being alone yet I always am. I know that is why I haven’t totally moved on, why I hung onto to this last relationship like there was no tomorrow. That & the fact of the history we had. Don’t apologize for anything you say here. We all have our good & bad days. I struggle with the “head & heart” thing daily.
Sheila – I needed to hear what you said. My EUM said the same things. That we were in different places & different people now even though I told him from day one about my hesitancy to get involved. That I didnt want to be a rebound – that I wanted to be the one he ended up with. I fought him off for months while he, like your guy, pushed for the relationship. The reason I question myself is I said a lot of stupid things. I hadn’t dated for years & felt him withdrawing. A lot of “normal” men do that in response to things you say. I have a question for you & anyone else who cares to answer. It was long distance so why would he look me up & pursue me from 1200 miles just to get a booty call? Wouldnt it have been easier to find someone local to mess with? I think he truly did want to see what was there as he said he always had something in him for me that never left. That is why I am not 100% convinced. He could have “used” someone locally.
Gia – I got an email today & responded & broke NC. It has been since Feb. but I was just so curious. He just said hey & asked how I was & about my kids. Very basic. I dont understand it because we can’t “hook up” from 1200 miles.What does he gain from it? At times I wish I WAS there so I could see him in action being an a**clown. At least I would know he hasnt change instead of beating myself up. If Astelle is right then he looked me up to feed his bruised ego & used the distance as an excuse as to why he couldnt get involved & used me as a “filler” until he met someone local. If that is 100% true it sucks. He was a friend & I can’t imagine doing that to someone.
Gia,
Accepting your comments as totally genuine concern and understanding I can’t really help but respond to the bit in your post:-
“Time truly does heal and if after 6wks you still find urself obsessing over ur EUM then you may want to seek out psychological help. Its not being said as an insult but truly you may need professional intervention. Bc the fact that we would be addicted someone who mistreated us goes a lot deeper than ‘love’. Ive realized that.”
To be fair, I think your use of the word “obsessing” suggests that life and normal functioning isn’t going on and that there is still a level of understanding to be had about the situation that me and a lot of us are in. People do things at different rates and a variety of factors can determine that rate such as previous experiences, divorce, age, children etc. To suggest that if you are still missing and thinking about someone 6/7 weeks after it has ended (which I consider to be relatively early days) is a requirement for “psychological help” is a little like setting a template over the whole thing and although that may be your time frame it may not be for other people. I apologise if you feel that I have taken the suggestion in the wrong way because I do know that everything on here is well meaning but sometimes it really just is the simple fact that you just damn well miss them, (wrong as that may be) whether it be after 2 weeks or 6 months – that’s all I was really trying to say.
Kim – Snap!!!! Yep sick of being alone, always on my own, single working mum to two. Took me a long time to build up trust again after my divorce then along comes Mr EUM (eventhough like us all I didn’t know what one of those was at the time). Of course I get that its not good for me, never was and never will be but compared to another 5 years on my own – sometimes it seems a price worth paying. If that makes sense!!! Doesn’t mean that I’m going to step back into it though – I just wanted to say (write) that out loud.
As for your EUM, you still have a million “Why’s” and the truth is none of us will ever know – only he knows the answer to those. And that’s half the battle, the “Why’s” that’s what we torture ourselves with. Why did he say those things and then treat me that way etc etc. I have analysed the Why’s till I’m blue in the face. Hey a few crystal balls wouldn’t go amiss would they?
Sheila, You’re right – you know in your mind that you’re doing NC for a reason. And that reason is to get to a better place, have a better relationship with someone new. Part of the problem is this bit of the journey when you realise that NC means that you’ll never see them again. When the truth – as opposed to just the words dawn on you. I’ll admit that I ended things and started NC because I thought he would have an epiphany and realise how wonderful we could be and fight to get me back and that we would have a “real” relationship. The truth unfortunately is dawning, he isn’t going to. I am never going to see him again. That’s the bit that feels raw.
Goodnight ladies, sleep well x
Everdream,
I agree when you say everyone has their own time to heal but when I suggested psychological help by no means is it an insult or weakness. I have in the past as well as others on this blog have see a therapist once or twice if not a many times. I think its completely healthy. If someone is mistreating us and showing they dont love us we must step back and look @ why we want to continue being in smthng so unhealthy. And if we cant figure it out on our won then I see nothing wrong with sitting with a professional who can help us thru it. Sorry if my message was misinterpereted. By no means do I want to sound like the ‘Healed’ one bc Im not. As a matter of fact my EUM txt me today and he said he missed a lot-he then followed up with another txt asking if I still loved him. At first it was so easy to reject the txt and feel nothing. But I would be lying if i said right now my heart is not telling me smthng different. No I wont respond bc Ive come to far to go all the way back. Geez I wouldnt know my way back even if I wanted to go..I dont know my EUM anymore-hes virtually become a stranger..Stay strong ladies…
NC sucks..let’s call it what it is.. but it’s something you need to get thru for long term happiness.. I had a horrible day yesterday, horrible night and woke up with anxiety.. I am on 2 weeks NC.. I think I’ve figured out that it’s starting to hit me that it’s over, and that two weeks have gone by. I think it’s part of the grieving process, but boy, does it sting…I have also heard that it may get worse before it gets better, so i”m sticking it out. No way will I reach out to him, not an option, I have put my foot down and do not want any part of him, although it still hurts. It’s like breaking a bad habit, coming off a drug, and moving on. I heard a song on the way into work today on the 70′s station ( XM radio).. the chorus was something like this..
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So lets just let the story kinda end
I love you too much to ever start liking you
So don’t expect for me to be your friend
Game on ladies, i know it sucks, but let’s stop putting it off..
I will have 4 weeks of NC as of this coming thursday. I am having a mix of emotions- from hating him to missing him to depression. There is no future with my eum as he is married. I know that. So I am just trying to keep myself busy. For all you experienced NCers how long does it take til I don’t care at all? Will he ever be out of my head?
Everdream – Price worth paying? I totally understand that thought. Anyone who has ever experienced single parenting & being on their own for so long without a companion would understand. It is one tough job. I too am a single mom of 2. I had a hard time putting my heart out there again as well after so long & my 1st experience was the same. With someone who pursued me like hell but kept me around until the “right” thing came along. I thought this was my time, fate. I have had the same thoughts that being with him was no where near as bad as the loneliness. We never fought, always had fun. I hate that it has been so long & I haven’t found any relief. Once he was married I let go of all of my feelings for him. (that was the 1st time years ago) To get a 2nd chance & know he is still single bothers me. I guess I just can’t forgive myself for not moving back & playing it out. I just have to keep reminding myself it was a one sided relationship in the end.
Gia – I agree with you that counseling can’t hurt. I am in therapy but I cant afford to go often so I dont feel it is helping much. You are strong to not respond to his text. Knowing it will all end up the same is a driving force. Mine doesnt ask questions like that or I would probably crack. He has moved on. I haven’t. I can’t. Not only do I miss the attention & hate the loneliness but I actually miss him.
Sheila – I have no choice but to move on. He doesn’t want me back. i don’t get texts like you guys. it is supposed to be easier this way but it isn’t. Can’t wait for the day it is. It took me years to get over my divorce & I didn’t love my husband. I loved this guy. It sucks. It truly does. Dang I need to read NML’s book again.
Heartbroken,
As the wks go by you should start feeling better enough to smile again and have some fun.
If after 4wks ure still mopping its bc YOU dont want to heal-you’re blocking the healing process.
Not to say you will be 100pct happy but the pill is not as bitter as the first wk
Heartbroken – I wish I had the answer. I am a bad example because I have had unresolved feelings for this guy from 25 years ago. My marriage was a rebound from that. All I know is getting out there helps. At first no one compares but then you will meet a guy & feel a spark & think ok there is hope. I feel for you. We all are feeling the effects. I met a guy last week that was the sweetest thing. He gave me such attention, was a cutie, & it was the 1st time I have felt ANYTHING for anyone since my breakup with my EUM. It was nice to know I could feel something with someone else after being so guarded. Too bad he wasn’t from around here. Just visiting.
Heartbroken.. 2nd week still sucks.. LOL, but it will pass… It was ok the first week and a half bc it was a challenge and new.. Now it’s 2 weeks, and it’s sinking in that ‘s it’s over…
There is no easy cure..
OK ladies – I really have to close the comments on this now!
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xxx
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