No Contact layoutThe No Contact Rule is a delicate balancing act between taking back control, booting someone out of your life (even if they don’t know it) and not going crazy. You apply the No Contact Rule (NC) when you are in a relationship that just won’t die a death even though it’s dead as a dodo, when a guy likes to boomerang in and out of your life whenever it suits, and especially when you keep flogging a dead horse and chasing the guy around even though he is mistreating you.

 

The No Contact Rule is about closure and closing a door even when you don’t get to have a ‘conversation’ or a big break up moment, and this is what most women struggle with. You LOVE to have the conversation and you NEED to have the break up moment because you think it’s what you need for closure and you like wondering ‘What if?’

 

What if I play doormat a little bit more? Maybe he’ll finally see how great I am?
What if I expect nothing at all from him? Maybe he won’t feel so pressured.
What if I finish it with him and he then becomes The Ideal Man for the next woman?

 

I’m going to say something that some of you will not want to hear. With men that don’t know their arses from their elbow, blow hot and cold, and won’t commit to either being with you or not being with, you have got to toughen up.

 

‘Conversations’ with a man that you’ve been going nowhere with, who has been using you, sleeping with you when it suits, disappearing, coming back, making promises, breaking promises, whatever, don’t make a blind bit of difference. They just give you a reason to look for that one little eeeny weeny nugget of something to make you stay invested and give him a chance, just so that he can turn around and do the same thing all over again!

 

Ladies, wise up, toughen up, smell the coffee, and take control because you can’t control him and the way this dead end relationship is going but you can control how YOU are affected by being with him and you can get closure without him being the one to close the door. Why the hell do we need these men to close the door for closure? WE can close the door and damn well slam it shut when they try to push it back open.

And that is the barometer of how successful NC is – When they attempt to open the door, there must be no response. The door must be closed, not slightly ajar to hear whatever rinky, dinky, BS excuse he has.

So what does NC involve?

No calling, emailing, faxing, message in a bottle, texting, communication by osmosis, Morse code, or anything. No contact means no contact. It is that simple. Sit on your hands, tape your dialing fingers together, reward yourself for getting to milestones but do not contact him.

Do not allow any of the following things to break NC:

You’re hormonal.
You’re horny.
You’re drunk.
You’re lonely.
You’re nostalgic.
You’re weak.

You have an emergency.

You’re out of another break up with someone else and seeking comfort.

If you react to any of these booby traps, you will not only end up regretting it, but you will have to start the whole process all over again, whilst he sits there thinking ‘ so she does still want me. Mmm, yeah I still don’t wanna be with her though….’

No contacting him via your friends.
Instruct all that know you both not to come to you with any information about him, unless he has ‘the clap’ or some other such STD that affects your health. You need to move on and forget about him, not be hearing out of context information where people make more out of something than actually exists.

No sex. No quick fumbles, slippery snogs, one last shag for old times sake, or any bodily contact. Ever.

Get rid of his contact details. I’ll let you keep his number for three months and that is only so that you know it is him if he decides to call and you’ll know not to answer. Otherwise wipe out all information you have on him because no contact means you are breaking up and closing the door on that chapter in your life.

Challenge yourself not to think about him. Day one, each time you think of him, mark it down on a sheet of paper in your diary or something. Total it up and the next day, aim to do less. Or if you’re really hung up it might be better to do it by week. Target yourself to reduce it down each day/week. The trick is that if you are focusing on you and feeling in a better place emotionally, you won’t be thinking about this joke of a man.

Check out part 2

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500 Responses to Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 1

  1. Sheila says:

    i have no choice but to be done.. for my own sanity, my anxiety, and my life!!! It’s not fair that he is not bothered one ounce by this bs… i did the NC , gave in, and it was back to the same sht…. he won FKING AGAIN!!!! I was so RB this w/e.. On Sunday i had such anxiety, i lost control, drove by his house, panicked, panickd, panicked… I get it, but i just feel so frigin stupid.. that’s how I feel, and I feel like that b/c i have not taken control of this… and you guys are right.. who the hell cares what he thinks..I have to stop focusing on him and get back to me.. i truly cannot take this hurt, rejection and anxiety anymore.. it’s consuming my life..

    i will block him..

  2. heartbroken says:

    block him and keep him blocked. Believe me you will feel such relief. I know that for myself I felt that without this in my life what would i have. I would feel so empty. But you will feel so free and you will have time to focus on you. Why go on feeling miserable. get over this now. don’t go back. it will never change. he will never change. so either accept his crap or get out. There are no choices. That is the problem. But the difference is staying is a lifetime of pain. leaving you have temporary pain and then happiness. No letters, no texts, no calls, block him.

  3. Astelle says:

    Sheila, my intent is really not to hurt your feelings, I just want to help you to get over him!
    Over time you will feel better and look at him in a total different light.
    Who cares if he is bothered by this BS, he is a miserable creature and doesn’t know it.

  4. Sheila says:

    ok.. i get it.. and i understand..
    with blocking i don ‘t have to wory about that text that comes in just as i’m turning the corner or starting to see the light at the end of this sucky tunnel

  5. heartbroken says:

    Exactly. Also, re-read your break up book. You have all of us for support. Start focusing on something for you. For me it is recovering from what i have done to my self esteem. Not about him, but how to repair me. I am trying to put all the energy and focus on how i use to wonder if i would see him again to me and only me. These guys are not suffering like we are so why should we give them that. We have given them enough. Start thinking about being free from him and meeting someone who will LOVE you. This treatment is not love.

  6. Sheila says:

    i officially just blocked him..enough of this nonsense.. i’m going thru the summer like this..

  7. Kim says:

    Hi girls – I haven’t been on here for awhile. I’ve been pulling myself out of that black hole I still fall into now & again. It has been 6 months since my break up & after all of my reading on EUM’s I still find myself depressed at times. It is during those times that I ask myself “Was he just EU to me?” “Was there something he saw in me he just didn’t like?” “What makes her THE ONE?” The pain gets so bad I don’t care if he was EU & tell myself why didn’t you just shut your trap & not expect so much? Why did you over analyze everything? Why couldn’t you just have fun like he asked? Did he keep you at arms length in case you never moved back? Was he buying his kids some emotional time? Why didn’t you move back home to be with him if you knew it would hurt like this? NOTHING is worth this pain, this loneliness. Then after a few days go by I come back to reality & tell myself YOU did not cause his EU. YOU did not cause his strange behavior. One of the 1st things I noticed about him was his need for ego stroking. Did I cause that? No. I did not deserve to be lied to & misled by a 45 year old man! This is about what HE needed and always has been. Even if it was just too soon after his breakup & he isn’t EU to the “new girl” it wasn’t fair to me & he didn’t give me enough. I remind myself of his narcisstic comments when I would get the 5 minute phone call after 2 weeks of not hearing from him & he would say “Do you want 5 minutes or nothing?” I recall a text message saying “I want a piece of ass!” I recall him telling me “I hate telling you I love you”. Talk about emotional abuse & f*ing with someone’s mind! I recall the constant contradictions like saying let’s take a trip together! Let’s do it! Then coming back 10 min’s later & saying “Let’s wait until everything is final & we can start our new lives together.” I didn’t sit by & take everything he dished out but I didn’t leave either. Why? I hope what I am going to say helps some of you. It is not meant to make you feel worse. We all have helped one another by sharing our stories. The truth is I have been alone 8 years & not dated because I’ve had a wall up. My husband of 13 years cheated on me. He DID leave me for the woman he had an affair with. Although that is rare I am just trying to give you the other woman’s perspective so that maybe some of you can maybe take something from it to help you move on. The affair was devastating to me & my children. I dropped to my knees when I found out. I had to go out into the working world after 10 years of being a stay at home mom & support my children with no degree. I lost my house, my car, & was forced into bankruptcy & foreclosure. Do you know what it is like to have to sit your 5 & 10 year old children down & tell them daddy won’t be living with us anymore? My 5 yr old son asked “Mom but who will be my dad”? I left my support system of family & friends to get away from his psycho girlfriend. She got pregnant & had a baby before we ever got divorced. Honestly, it took a part of me I never got back & my children have never been the same. It had been the worst thing I had ever gone through UNTIL my EUM experience. Sometimes it all is too much to bare. Those of you who know me know that an old boyfriend from 25 years ago looked me up last year. He emailed me & said he often thought of me. After months of him pursuing me I agreed to meet him. He told me that I had his heart always had & that we belonged together. He fed me every line in the book. Did I fall for it? HELL YES! Linda – how about this one “When we broke up 25 years ago I used to cry on my way back to college. My heart ached knowing I wouldn’t see you every day”. Did I believe him? Why not? What reason did I have not to? It took everything I had to put myself back out there. He knew what I had been through & his wife had an affair as well so he knew what that felt like. Did I have a clue what an EUM was at the time? No. Did I know that he was lying to me for his own ego? No. Did I ever imagine that an old love that said he never had a relationship that ever came close to ours was just lying & using me? No. Had I known I would NEVER have stayed & niether would any of you so we need to try & forgive ourselves. How do we do that & move on? I don’t have the answers because I am still struggling with that after almost a year. What I do know is I DIDN’t deserve it. That I couldn’t have caused it. That eventually his “true” self has got to come out. Maybe he will get married to this “new girl”. I hate thinking that. I hate thinking I could have been the one holding his hand, going to parties & football games & concerts with him like he always said we would do, just having a freakin’ companion. I blame myself for the distance & for not moving back where he & all of my family are because that will be my end result anyway. I wonder would it have been different if I was there as he said the distance was very difficult for him. Even NML says long distance relationship rarely work. Maybe I got off lucky. At the end of the day like Linda says, the “talk” is their game, that is what hooked us. It isn’t who they truly are & they never do anything wrong. He takes no repsponsibility for the demise of his marriage when all he did was flirt with other women & treat them with more respect than his wife. I agree with Linda – it is never their fault. He called her “trash” for having an affair yet he cheated on me & the girl he is with now. He doesn’t see it that way. He is just “dating” don’t you know & what we don’t know won’t hurt us right? Even though he tells each one of us that he is “in love” & wants a future. IT IS ABOUT FEEDING THEIR INSECURE EGOS & ALWAYS WILL BE! Who wants to be with someone that only thinks of themselves when the chips are down? We meant nothing to them. My insecurities cause me to go back & forth on all of this but I have to believe that the “new girl” is filling his need somehow as well. I’m sure his soon to be ex wife could vouch for that! Sometimes I want to call her & ask just to end the madness!

  8. Linda says:

    You girls are all correct. Sheila- I did the same thing you have done for the 5 years I dated my ex EUM. I always kept the door open for him. When he broke up with me before, I was available online to talk to him. One time, I sent a card with a huge loving note in it blah blah blah. I would go shopping by his house because they had such a great garden center (1 hour from my house).. I made all the excuses for him and to contact him, etc.. THIS time, I CLOSED the door. He is still blocked from my email and IM. It’s VERY hard at first, and in the beginning when I still was hoping he would contact me ( because I think we all HOPE for that at first), I just kept thinking if he really wants to get in touch with me, he will. I really don’t know if he has tried to email me- My guess is that he has but I have it automatically deleted. I have had some blocked calls on my cell phone with no messages- and it wasn’t the only person I know who comes up private. ( I asked her). First, he had no problems chasing me and finding ways to contact me or see me 5 years ago when he wanted me. Second, IF he EVER wants to contact me, it WILL not be easy for him. He put me thru hell, so if he ever wants to contact me, he can go thru hell. The first few weeks, I repeatedly told myself EVERYDAY, he doesn’t love me and why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t love me?? After a few weeks, I actually believed it. Now, I don’t want to hear from him. I don’t want to be friends and I don’t want to know what’s going on in his life. That’s why his whole family and friends are also blocked from my email and IM. I think it started as a defensive mechanism for me- WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW, CAN’T HURT YOU. So, of course my imagination ran wild for quite a few weeks but now, I just don’t care. When I would start talking to my girlfriend about how he was probably so happy with his new girlfriend, she would always show me the other side- maybe they are not even together anymore- maybe she dumped him. It’s easier to live in MY world- the one where he’s miserable. He won’t hurt me again. I never want to feel again like you do now. And it’s not love, not healthy love anyway. I guess I just got to the point I felt like I ate so much of his shit for 5 years that when I found out about the other girl, it was my LAST STRAW. It was my last humiliation. It made me see that after all our time together- all our years, trips, engagement- that’s what I was worth to him?? That’s how much respect he had for me?? To lie and cheat and not know how to tell me he was seeing someone else while he screwed me?? It was my RB. So, now, I’m climbing back out of that hole and it does get better. This week has been hard- we were supposed to be on vacation together (I’m sure the new girl was instead) and that still stings but I don’t want him back……. He made his bed and now he can lie in it. He does have a conscience, so I know somewhere along the line, he will feel bad. And that’s my satisfaction. That and he’ll never know if I have forgiven him. Remeber they are usually very insecure, so I know my ex EUM was all about people liking him. The night he broke up with me, I told him I hated him – he cried, cried- tears, the whole deal. So, I know at sometime, he’ll want to know I don’t have hard feelings toward him. Satisfaction: he’ll never know.

  9. Sheila says:

    i agree Linda.. if they want to find you it’s not that hard.. it sends a huge message.. i am so so sick of the emotional roller coaster.. It’s time to get off this ride an get the hell out of the park!!!

  10. Linda says:

    Kim,
    You made me chuckle!! It’s amazing that they ALL use the same lines, too!! Is there a book they read?? I, like you, did not know what an EUM was, didn’t see all the red flags- I fell in love with someone I thought felt the same way. I know my ex EUM is with the new girl because it’s exciting, new, fun, new ego stroking. That’s all these girls have over us. NEWNESS!! And I know I can’t compete with that. Sure it’s great to have your ego stroked in a new way after having it stroked the same way for all these years. That’s the need these new girls fulfill. That and the constant need to be in control of their freedom- their singleness. But eventually the honeymoon is over and all those new relationships will be, too. That’s when they try to come back. Their true colors will come out. Kim, you’re guy is truly a d*ckhead. He’s actually SAID horrible things to you. Mine wasn’t mentally or physically abusive. Just a commitment phobe. Kim, I have a question for you. Do you think that you are EU right now because of what happened with your husband?? Maybe that was why this EUM came back in your life. You’re EU right now and this will be such a growing experience for you. You definately learned what you DON’T want. I was actually somewhat EU with my husband because of some childhood issues. And then I hooked up with a EUM- I have learned sooooooo much about my emotional self thru all this. I keep telling myself I went thru all this so my next relationship will be the one. I know when I’m EU and I know how to spot an EUM. So, I should get it right pretty soon!!!

  11. Linda says:

    Sheila, that’s how I still feel. You know where I work, you know where I live, you know my address, cell number, my familys’ emails, my family phone numbers, my friends phone numbers. There are ways if you really need to get a hold of someone. I think they become chicken. I think my ex EUM is running so scared right now because I have never done this before. He doesn’t know what to do with all this. I always made up, made friends with him, enabled him to sleep soundly at night. Not this time. Yes, don’t send the letter. I packed up all my ex EUM’s trinkets (little things that meant things to both of us – not gifts, sentimental things) and I was going to send it to him. My brother actually talked me out of it. He said, you won’t get to see his reaction to the box and you look like the pathetic, hurt “here’s getting even with you” baby. I put the box in the basement. He was right. No dragging it out. End. Cold turkey.

  12. Sheila says:

    tell me i’ll feel better !!!!!

  13. Linda says:

    Not today, maybe not tomorrow, but YES you will feel better. I’m very glad I didn’t send him anything. Think of it this way. Give yourself time and if in 6 months from now, you want revenge, get even then. Revenge is a dish best seved cold. Maybe someday, when he’s really moved on, I’ll send it to him. Surprise!! I HOPE I don’t feel that way in 6 months but right now because it’s all fresh, I do. I think the lesson is NOT to do anything now while we are emotionally f*cked up. Give it time and see how we feel. You do know that that letter isn’t going to change his mind about anything. He will still be a d*ck. ( I haven’t figured out the male equivilant of a c*nt). Cuz that’s what they are. He won’t turn into prince charming or fall madly in love with you. At first, NC was the only thing I hadn’t tried. I cried, yelled, talked, used sex, used guilt, begged- anything I could do. It didn’t change a thing. So, NC was all that was left. But it’s amazing how things become so much clearer after a few weeks. How you start feeling like a strong woman again. Not some meek, coward that will say how high when he says jump.

  14. Astelle says:

    Linda, I don’t think he became chicken, he is busy with that new girl, right?
    Why would he be too chicken to make contact?
    Just wondering.

  15. Sheila says:

    i feel that way too.. i have not tried NC yet.. and everything else has not helped me move on..
    this is the answer!!!!!!!!!!!!

  16. heartbroken says:

    does anyone ever feel like a pang of anxiety over the loss? I am feeling like that now. Like i am scared not to have this hell in my life.

  17. heartbroken says:

    or nervous not to have him anymore.

  18. GiaNYC says:

    Another busy day I see on the site…i think it can be a little of both Astelle. Sometimes these men dont like confrontation so @ whatever cost they just stay away bc they know once they initiate contact the tears and poor me game will start and to be honest these men dont want to deal with it. Or it can be that they are just preoccupied with their fresh new ‘meat’ that its no biggie to them that you are no longer around. I think the key in healing is not to make excuses and just take the truth in the face even if it hurts. I equate it to my tattoo that i got-God it was painful but the end result was this beautiful work of art. When the needle first touched my skin it was painful but then I become numb to it and let the artist finish. Whatever works for you ladies-just do it-dont make excuses for why you cant or put if off for silly reasons. I still feel it a little everyday but I can cope -wouldnt trade how I feel now for how I felt before I left him.

  19. GiaNYC says:

    Heartbroken all that you are feeling is natural. The anxiety, pain, nervousness-all those feelings are signs that these relationships were all wrong for us. Im 8wks into NC (if you want to call it that) and there is zero anxiety..pain is slightly there not much, the nervousness is there a little too but only bc we work in the same company and its a little awkward if/when i run into him. But I can tell you if we didnt work together I would not be nervous @ all.

  20. GiaNYC says:

    I can assure you ladies these men are NOT blogging about us all day, not having anxiety attacks, nor losing sleep bc of us!

  21. Kim says:

    Linda – Wierd! You & I are the same age & I believe my issues are from childhood as well! Maybe we had the same parents? LOL If you can believe this my marriage was actually a rebound from my relationship with this EUM from 25 years ago! I truly don’t remember him being this way & we dated for 4 years! I only saw him on the weekends so who knows who he was bangin’ when I wasn’t around. I was so young & nieve. We had a great sex life & attraction back then. Do you realize what it was like to get another chance with him after all I had been through? I had nothing but good memories of him. I truly thought it was fate. I didn’t realize it was a bruised ego! He had heard I never got over him. I think he came to me from his marriage failing. He lied & said he was over it. I fought him on it for months. Many people told me he should have divorced years ago. I NEVER expected him to lie like he did. I sometimes think maybe he did actually want to give it a try but he just had so many other EUM traits. I have grown a lot through my experiences & called him on every flag I saw. I just couldnt understand how someone could tell you such loving things & their actions were SO different. I didn’t get that at all until this site. With the distance & the fact these guys can’t stand being alone he moved right on to the next ego stroker because she was readily avaiable. I truly thought he meant what he said that he had met no one that compared to our realtionship so I didn’t expect him to move on. Looking back I kind of broke it off. I sensed something wasnt right & there was someone else. Did he man up? Hell no. Who knows how long he was seing us both & had I not questioned him he may still be seeing us both! I commend you for being so strong & the lack of contact. There is no other way. I have done the same thing. I f*d with him for awhile as he emailed me last in March. There is another part to my story as I think he needs me for something business related & that was part of his motivation when looking me up as well. He emailed me in March asking for my help & I actually lured him via email & he took the bait. I was saving the emails of him still agreeing to “hook up” at ANY time to use as ammunition if needed but I’ve never used it. Loser. I bet his girlfriend would love to know he screwed me after they became such an “item” & that he STILL agrees to! THAT was my motivation to ditch the guy. He doesn’t even know I am broken up over this. He thinks I still just “dig” him because he is so special.
    Sheila – when I was home at xmas I hooked up with my EUM. I wanted to prove to myself he was a player. I thought it would bring me closure. It didn’t. It made me feel worse. The minute he was done screwing me he went to check his cell phone to see if he got a text from his “girl”. He to this day doesn’t know I know about her. Something else – he never ONCE made a noise during sex in the yr we dated. He went out of his way to please me & was a freak in bed but the minute I was the “other” woman he made plenty of noises. If that isn’t sick I don’t know what is. I have raised 2 kids on my own, bought my own house & worked my way back from bankruptcy, etc. I left my hometown & everyone I knew & have been totally alone so I KNOW why I latched on to this like there was no tomorrow! I was SO ready for a relationship. I am DONE being single. To answer your question Linda I have a fear of getting involved with men & of being alone. I am not sure why other than my childhood. This EUM situation didn’t help much & I don’t have much comparison of relationships to go by other than they both pursued me & I didn’t have to put myself out there. I think it all comes down to self love. At 43 I still haven’t learned that & thought I had. I am dealing with that now in therapy as well as my fear of men. Kudos to you for gettin’ back out there! Too bad we all can’t get together & party some of this misery away! We should plan a yearly trip! LOL Talk about a support group! LOL

  22. Kim says:

    GiaNYC – You are right about the guys! They have moved on!

  23. Linda says:

    Astelle- I do think that he is busy with his new girl but I also think he is chicken. First, he would have to say he’s sorry. His big ole ego would have to admit he made a mistake. He would have to explain why he would do that to someone he wanted to marry. They aren’t stupid. They know right form wrong. And they don’t like to be wrong. Second, he wasn’t going to tell me about his new girlfriend so he could keep me as his fall back girl. He was going to play both sides. So, when I found out and confronted him, he didn’t close the door. He answered my phone calls until I stopped calling. So, I think that NOW that I have closed the door and not contacted him, he is afraid to contact me. He hates confrontation. He hated it when we dated. And in his usual fashion, about 3 weeks after I confronted him, he has made himself available for me to contact him. He is visible online frequently. That was our usual first contact after a break up. He could block me. We live an hour apart, he could disappear out of my life like I did his. It doesn’t matter if he’s chicken or happy or dead, I’m getting him out of my life.

  24. Linda says:

    Kim, good for you. I think you are on the track to self love. I dealt with my childhood EU issues while I was married but I think it just didn’t help my marriage. There was a lot of damage done. I was better emotionally with my ex EUM which of course became a whole other problem but it’s all been a learning experience. I’m still getting there. I knew my ex EUM had something going on also but I so wanted to believe his lies because he was so convincing. Yes, I heard it all, too. We were destined, soulmates, blah blah. I do think he loved me and wanted the things he said but when it comes down to crunch time, he just can’t commit. It’s sad.
    Heartbroken- yep, the anxiety, sleepless nights, stomach ache, lack of energy- all normal. I, like Gia, don’t have the anxiety anymore (I had my first panic attack 2 days after I started NC) but it still sucks sometimes. I just tell myself that this man has been in my life for so very long, I can’t expect myself to be over it in 2 months. That’s all it’s been- feels like a lifetime since I’ve seen or heard his voice. But 2 months isn’t that long and the flip side is that I’ve come so far in that time. Keep strong.

  25. heartbroken says:

    So i am having a slip back moment. Wondering if he will ever show up here again. Ughh. I know i should NOT care. It is just wild for me to think that it is over. It has been a year and half and i can’t believe that it is done. That I actually won’t see this person again in my life.

  26. Linda says:

    Heartbroken, it won’t be the last slip back moment. We all get nostalgic , we miss them, their presence. Just keep thinking about what you are to him and how he treats you and that he sleeps with his wife every night. When sentimental thoughts fill your head, think of the bad things. Eventually, you will train yourself to think about him that way. I do. I still push the good thoughts out of my head. Someday, they won’t be as painful. And keep telling yourself that you deserve so much more than what he’s given you. Keep your life goals in your thoughts. Think about the husband and family you want and he’s never going to give that to you. And what are you really losing?? How much has he really been in your life?? Does he attend family functions with you?? Holidays?? Weddings?? Does he spend time with your family?? Do you spend time with his?? If you had to go to the hospital for an emergency, can you call him to come and take you?? Can he spend the night at the hospital with you when one of your family is sick?? Can you walk proudly down the street on his arm?? What would he introduce you as?? I don’t think he is in your life as much as you think he is. Stay strong and you will have someone who is IN your life.

  27. Maria says:

    Ladies, good morning. It has been busy here, I see. I pushed aside my misgivings and met up with my guy yesterday. It was sad, but it was necessary. Painful things came out in the open, and I was glad to see that some soul-searching had also been going on with him. Basically he says he loves me, misses me, but will respect whatever I decide to do. I told him I need no contact at all until I am ready, or until forever, depending on how it goes. He accepts that. He held me and cried into my hair. He’s unhappy with the situation… but he’s still not giving up his girl. It doesn’t matter to me at this point. He must make his decisions, and I have made mine.

    So, how am I feeling now? Calmer, but definitely sadder. I am not harbouring toxic negative feelings for him now, but there is such finality to where we are that my sadness is really deep. It hurts me to think that it is really over now. I am on my own. I can’t count on him any more, I can’t rely on his support, I can’t share things I would like to share with him. It tears at my heart to think of never seeing him again, never talking to him. I feel lonely, and tearful. Meeting up with him has definitely set me back, but I felt like I couldn’t advance much more without having this talk with him. I hope I can now get to the same point I was more easily and quickly because my feelings are “cleaner”. And then it’s onward from there. But it will be a while before I get my own cheerful self back.

    Sheila, I’m no one to talk, but I guess everyone else’s advice here on not contacting him again is spot on. Basically, we all know that in the long run NC is our best bet towards moving on. But it doesn’t help that it hurts so much at this point. I wish for you to be strong.

    Linda, Kim and Gia, thank you for such good advice and reflections. It was not directed at me, but I benefit from it anyway. I will come back and read through the posts when I am feeling low.

    Heartbroken, did you ever have a pet as a child? I did, and I was heartbroken when my dog died. It has been many many years since, but I still occasionally think about that little dog, sometimes with love, sometimes with sadness. It doesn’t stop me getting on with my life. I think it works the same way with these intense relationships. You will never be able to forget entirely — these memories are with you for the long haul… but you will learn to think of your EUM as someone that was there for a while and then wasn’t any more. And on the plus side, whatever you learn from the experience will be positive for your growth. I need to concentrate on this idea in order to move forward now.

  28. FoolishGirl says:

    Do you every have those days where all you want to do is cry? That’s how I feel today. I am so incredibly sad and heartbroken (again) and I have that awful anxious feeling and that painful feeling in my chest. A year ago, I started seeing a therapist when things got this bad and it helped (can’t afford one right now anymore) and I vowed I would never feel that way again. I wish I never answered his apologetic email after 2 months of NC a year ago.

    Lately we have been at a standstill. I have accepted that maybe we can be friends. But everything is in his terms. Anytime he wants to do something and it’s usually during the week, I will try and go. But when I ask him to do something, he’s always got something going on or doesn’t feel good or whatever. I have told him point blank that he does not make me a priority and all he says is that he’s been trying. I read this quote somewhere the other day and it has really stuck with me, and I try to think about it whenever i start feeling sad – “Never make someone a priority when they consider you an option”. It’s so true, but why can’t follow it? The other night, I was having a really bad day and I asked if we could get a quick bite to eat so i could vent, and he didn’t respond until 2 hours later and he said he couldn’t cause he was having a fight with his gf. So, i let it go. Didn’t respond. Well the next day, as if nothing happened, he invites me to lunch during his lunch hour (the ONLY time we seem to get together) so he vent. I realize he is SO self involved. He never even asked about my bad day.

    Anyways, that was the last time we talked yesterday afternoon, and it was kinda left at an awkward point. I told him I no longer want do things during the week during his lunch hours and if he wants to see me, make time for me when more effort has to be involved. I did not hear from him all night. I know he will email or text me eventually, but it will be something random to get a convo started or to ask me to lunch during his lunch hour (are they really this dense?) and I will say no. But why does this hurt so much?? I know I still have feelings and I know we probably can’t be friends, and I have tried to cut it off, but he is so freaking charming.

    Maria, about 2 months ago, I had the same convo with my guy. Same stuff was said…..and I told him I needed time away from him. He said he would be miserable, but he would do as I asked….well guess what? After a week, he texts cause he is sad……and it took me awhile to see it, but it was a selfish move and so disrespectful. He knows I need to move on, but he won’t let me. So, i hope for your sake, he lives up to his words and respects your decision.

  29. Sheila says:

    wow, busy week here.. everyone is doing good, and heartbroken, that is perfectly normal.. you don’t have a choice with your EUM..no choice at all.. you need to move on.. you have hit RB and like I have said over and over again, as have others… nothing we have done is right and has helped us.. except.. no contact… we have to do it.. if we don’t, it is now our fault we have not moved on.. I have accepted that I am to blame for some of this nonsense.. not anymore.. I blocked him and feel good.. no anxiety last night about the phone, but i still have weird dreams about him and the whole thing which i’m sure will pass.. I can guarantee he’s not dreaming about me.. LOL

    stay strong.. and also… DID EVERYONE GET NML’S EMAIL? We should all do our best to help her out with her request… god knows she has helped us!!!!

    Happy Friday…

  30. Maria says:

    Sorry, I didn’t receive any e-mail, and in fact I was not aware that there was some e-mail feature that I needed to activate or whatever. I’m pretty new here. If someone can inform, please do.

    Foolishgirl, I am hoping my guy does in fact love me enough to let me go. I need that. If he doesn’t, then there’ll be all the more reason to just go on without looking back.

  31. Linda says:

    Sheila, didn’t get any email. Maria, you will hear from him again. Then it will be up to you to start NC. Don’t answer him. That will show his selfishness and disrespect. FoolishGirl- I know exactly how you feel because I have had such a horrible week. I think it is hormones but I have thought alot about him and I don’t know if I hate or love him. I don’t want to have contact with him (there’s still nothing to say) but it’s been my first low in 9 weeks. My girlfriend told me I need to go back to work (I’ve had alot of vaca time I neede to use). Foolishgirl, Don’t take this wrong but you’re not friends and you will never be friends. Do you treat your friends like that?? You know what he is – you say it in your blogs. Read your words- self involved and he couldn’t meet you when you needed him?? Then NEVER asked. He’s NOT your friend. Maybe you’re a friend to him but it’s a one-way street. And why do you want to torture yourself with hearing stories sbout the girlfriend?? I don’t want to know anything about my ex EUM’s girl. Like Sheila and I learned- quit making excuses and cut him out of your life. Maria, I hope this is your time now to really move forward with you and your life. Your hurt will dissapate. Stay strong.

  32. FinallyOverIt says:

    Maria and Foolish Girl–I would not be friends with your EUM! I know it seems like it could work out, but believe me, it can be more painful in the long run than the relationship you had before. And it’s important to remember this: friendships should be a complete 50/50 give and take. Isn’t that the kind of relationship you have with your women friends? Can you honestly say that your EUM can provide that to you? True friendships are where both people equally care about each other, support each other and are always there for each other. Do you think your EUM would provide those things to you? Please don’t settle for friendship with these men because it’s a consolation prize, and a copout (in my opinion) on their part. If you have to chase after them just to see you as a friend, is that really friendship?

  33. heartbroken says:

    So i am just going through such an unfamiliar feeling. I feel insecure and anxious about not having this man in my life. Also disbelief that it is over and that i ended it. I can’t expect him to come back when i asked that he not come here anymore. It is just really weird. I guess i just need to readjust to not having him around. I do still wonder if he will stay away because i have always let him in even when i asked that he not contact me anymore. I mean this time he does not have my phone number. He only knows where I live. I don’t know. I wish I did not care. That is the hardest part. Letting go of wanting them to pursue even when you end it.

  34. Sheila says:

    heartbroken.. i know exactly how you feel.. my div atty, who is also a friend, told me once that when you tell them to not contact you you take the chance they do the stand up thing and don’t… I have been there.. telling them not to contact you, and loving it that they still do, but the only difference is… NOTHING CHANGES… that is why you have to stick to the NC.. I told myself the next w/e would be different, but it never was after 10 times.. and it never will be.
    Ya know yesterday I took some heat for contemplating blocking my EUM from my cell.. i told myself i could handle a call and ignore it if it came in, i told myself it’s empowering to ignore it, i told myself i will look desperate if i do that.. all excuses.. none of them true!!!! It is perfectly normal that you want them to pursue you, but it will not heal you b/c nothing will change.. Now I have blocked him, ok, it’s only been one day, he probaby thinks my phone is being loopy, but the anxiety is lifting not looking at the phone, wondering where he is, or stressing that he didn’t reach out to me. Now, I don’t know and if he decides to play his little game again, he can’t!!! Gia, had a very good point last night when I spoke to her… nothing changes til you take action and cut them out of your life for good. If anything were to come around, and that’s a big IF, usually by that time we have seen them for who they are, we are changed women by that time. Remember nothing has changed since all this went down… things will change now and you will finally feel better. I am by no means healed, but i know by the women on this site.

  35. Linda says:

    Sheila- I still have me ex EUM blocked form my email because I don’t even WANT the temptation of reading an email. I hope I would be strong enough to delete it but I’m not that sure of myself. Especially now when I’m PMS. So keep all things blocked – it’s not weak -it’s not a copout. It’s ok. It’s how we have to deal right now. And Gia is very right- nothing will change until we cut them out of our lives. You’re doing great.
    Heartbroken- All you are feeling is still normal for where you are at in healing. The anxiety does goes away although I didn’t think it ever would. I thought I would have panic attacks the rest of my life since this happened. It fades. Try not to think about the big picture- try not to think that you aren’t ever going to see him again. Take one day at a time. Make small, short term goals for yourself and the bigger ones will fall into place. That’s why I said to make a deal with yourself. Go 8 weeks NC and see how you feel at the end of that time. If you still want him, contact him. You have to work on yourself during that time and I bet you don’t even want to have contact with him by then. Get thru one day at a time. Pretty soon, it will be one week, then 2 etc.

  36. Kim says:

    FinallyOverIt-I totally agree with you. Being friends is just too hard & they don’t deserve the satisfaction. It is def a love/hate thing. Part of me will always love the jerk EUM or not but how can you be friends with someone that never cared enough to be honest & just walk away instead of cheating?Man up! They are selfish. Friends include you in their lives, they are kind & trust worthy. From what we have all said here I don’t think any of us have gotten that from our EUMS. They just aren’t capable. Why is this so DAMN HARD? Why do we keep slipping back? I know the pain you all feel. I still feel it. It does come & go but why do I keep going back to thinking my EUM was only that way with me? Why do I think he will make it with this girl? Why do I think if I moved back he would be with me? Any advice?

  37. FinallyOverIt says:

    Kim, I wish I had an answer as to why we keep slipping back. Even to this day, if my EUM did a complete about face and professed his undying love for me, I would be all over it! I would go to the ends of the earth for him. I am actually doing better these days because I am keeping my distance, and so is he. I really think the best thing we can all do is keep having no contact with them, and wait until time heals all of our pain. I really don’t think there is any other advice to give (although I wish there was!).

  38. Maria says:

    So, ladies, Day 2 since the No Contact agreement. We had been in No Contact for a bit before I met him Thursday eve, so for the moment this feels just like a repeat. I guess deep inside I still identify this NC period as one that ends with seeing him again at some point, but I have got to just keep going past that point. For the moment, it’s not bad. In a few days’ time I guess I’ll be panicking at how long it’s been (talk about withdrawal symptoms!). I hope to be able to rely on all of you then.

    In the meantime, I wish for you all to be strong, look inside yourselves at the wonderful people you are, and outside at a springtime world.

    Thank you for everything.

  39. Sheila says:

    hi ladies.. well, i’m going on day 6 of NC.. i have blocked him from my cell and email since last Thursday. It was an interesting w/e.. Of course I’m wondering what the heck he is thinking about my phone, but on the other hand, the anxiety is lifting b/c i know the phone ringing or text message will never be him. Although this is weird, and i will admit, it hurts, i know it’s the only option.
    I’m sick of getting hurt, sick of not moving on, and above all, I’m sick of not taking charge. God, it hurts, i still think about him so much especially since last year at this time, we were just falling in love. But.. I cannot stress over things I cannot change.. He’s an asshole and the more I go over the last year with friends, etc.. it’s a wake up call as to how fcked up the relationship was.

  40. heartbroken says:

    sheila- it should feel good that he does not have access to you. Almost freeing in a way. No more worrying or being upset if he does not call or text. And no more slipping back if you knew he did. Time to let it all go. Go through the pain and then you will be free! That is how I am feeling now. My xmm has no phone number or email access to me. Just my address. But I am pretty confident he will stay away this time which in the long run is better for me. I ended it with him and so i hope he respects my wishes. And i now have to stand behind my word. Keep it up don’t unblock him just keep him blocked and heal

  41. Sheila says:

    no desire to unblock him, but it still hurts.. but i will say getting thru this is easier than what i went thru last w/e when I gave in, and for the 100th time.. nothing changed..
    Mondays suck.. just having a moment

  42. Maria says:

    Good morning. Day 4 NC. And yes, this morning he texted me!! I truly, honestly can’t believe he did that after our conversation the other day! And also I am OFFICIALLY in awe of how well you girls knew what was going down! You told me he would… how on earth can these guys be so predictable??

    Anyhow, I haven’t answered him or anything though the temptation is there. And about his message, if this whole mess weren’t so unpleasant and painful, I’d find it in myself to laugh right out: he says he’s finding it hard not to see me, talk to me etc, and GET THIS: how am I doing with my need for space and time… It’s like HOW STUPID CAN YOU GET?? Which part of “don’t contact me” did he not understand??… I mean truly… was I the only one with a brain there and did he lose it when I’ve gone away??

    Sheila, you go, girl. You’ll get through Monday, and then Tuesday, and so on and so on… stay strong. I haven’t and won’t block his e-mail or phone… I want to be able to ignore him just like that! Heartbroken, don’t be so sure he won’t contact you! I didn’t think my EUM would, and here’s living proof. Jeez, the cheek!

  43. ly says:

    maria,
    isn’t it weird?! you could “time an egg by it” as they say. my EUM contacted me 8 & 10 days into NC. then nothing…i’m now 22 days NC! so be patient…the temptation may be great but with each day, you’ll feel more IN CONTROL of that gnawing feeling.

    take care
    xoxo

  44. Kim says:

    Maria – It is so typical of these guys!. “How are you doing with your need for space & time”? It is laughable! Their egos can’t take the rejection even though they don’t give sh*t of themselves to the relationship! I was crackin’ up at reading that because it so reminds my of my EUM. He actually hooked up with someone else but couldn’t STAND the thought that I might have. Such losers! Stay strong. The bad days come & go but I have had no contact for quite awhile. He actually did shoot me a text to ask if I changed my email as it came back undeliverable!

  45. heartbroken says:

    I am still kind of in shock that it is over. I know this time my xmm will stay away because this time i ended it when i was not mad and the fact that i changed my phone number (although that did not stop him from coming over the last time). I just have to get use to the feeling of it. It is strange that I will never see him again and that I will never speak to him again, but I guess that is what breaking up is. I know it is better for me. I think I am just thinking about it because he was in my dream last night.

  46. Mel1509 says:

    Ladies, I have to say I relate to a lot of your comments so much. Nine months since the the disappearance of my EUM and I though I was doing ok until last week whenI was told by a friend, who works with his enstranged wife, that he always seems to have a different girl on his arm, then I went out for dinner with a friend and saw his little girl. Now I feel right back at square one. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone, but it is heartening to know that there are others who feel the same, and Kim. if your reading, the estranged wife shares your name, but the situation between them seems like it was in reverse to you and your husband, how ironic!

  47. Mel1509 says:

    Ladies, I have to say I relate to a lot of your comments so much. Nine months since the the disappearance of my EUM and I though I was doing ok until last week whenI was told by a friend, who works with his enstranged wife, that he always seems to have a different girl on his arm, then I went out for dinner with a friend and saw his little girl. Now I feel right back at square one. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone, but it is heartening to know that there are others who feel the same, and Kim. if your reading, the estranged wife shares your name, but the situation between them seems like it was in reverse to you and your husband, how ironic!

  48. Mel1509 says:

    Oops, seem to have posted twice, sorry!

  49. Kim says:

    Mel1509 – I am reading but confused??

  50. GiaNYC says:

    Mel1509-after 9months, you’re back to square 1? All so strange…I would think one would be 100pct healed by then…

  51. GiaNYC says:

    Ladies im still in the loop….Im still single..NC still in place..No EUM in sight! Great!

  52. Mel1509 says:

    I feel back to square one as in when he dumped me he said he just wanted to be on his own, and now my friend told me that he always seems to have a different girl on, therefore I conclude it must just have been me he didn’t want. It doesn’t help to hear what he’s up to. Kim, yeah, sorry what I meant was his X, Kim left him for another man and you were talking about your husband leaving you for another woman, I don’t explain myself very well sometimes!

  53. Sheila says:

    Day 8 NC today.. and Day6 of the blocked cell phone.. Here are my thoughts.. the anxiety is easing up, but I still feel as though I’m thinking about him alot.. I guess that’s normal since i just stopped contact with him a week ago.. Of course I’m thinking, does he care? what is he thinking? is he glad, relieved or bitter? I know I shouldn’t care..I dont want any part of him the way things were the last 3 months, his terms, his texts, his phonecalls, when HE felt like it.. I am no longer his fall back girl, and don’t have to worrya bout him hurting me since he is not in my life anymore.. but, honestly.. it’s still painful? I’m thinking the thoughts of him will diminish and the pain will get less?

    To all you hardcore NC girls.. your thoughts/advice????

  54. FinallyOverIt says:

    I am on day 16 of NC with my EUM. I seem to go in phases of telling myself I am doing the right thing, and then all of a sudden I’m questioning myself and missing him, etc. etc. I think that’s normal. I really think that time is the healer, and if we can let enough time go by they will fade away from our hearts and minds. We just have to take it one day at a time. I truly believe that the pain gets lessened as time goes by, but again the NC is really important to reach this goal. Strength and courage to all of you!

  55. Sheila says:

    finally over it.. i go thru the same emotions.. there are times that I think I have jumped the gun, owe him an explanation, over reacted, and actually want to talk to him. It fades, but it’s still there.. We are both very fresh into this.. me 1 week and you 2 weeks.. I think all these feelings are normal.. If it makes you feel any better, I stick to one thought…everytime I have tried this it has gone down the drain in about a week to two weeks…and I always think that something will change, and it never, never does. I always think the next w/e will be different, he will be different, but it never is. That is way more depressing than this could ever be. 2 w/e ago, was the worst, i broke down, he got his fix, and he rejected me when I tried to meet up with him, all the while continued to call and text me for the next 3 days…It was then i decided to finally block him from my cell, no calls out, no calls in, and no texts either way!!!! I also blocked my email, but could not block my work email.. and guess what? NOTHING!!! Call it his ego (that seems to be a common denominator here), pride or him not caring, he has not reached out. They can all find us if they want to, remember that. I will never reach out to him, but it saddens me that he hasn’t reached out to me, just confirming that i’m doing the right thing.

    stay strong …..we will be much better in the end if we stick to this NC..

  56. Astelle says:

    Sheila, tell yourself every day: I won’t be his doormat anymore! Do you understand how much power he has over you and control?
    Doesn’t this get you mad? I don’t understand why you are waiting for him to reach out to you? Reach out for what?

    It will get easier with time, but you have to put the focus on you, accept what happened and make sure you will never let a man do that to you again.
    You know, I chased and chases and now months later I was thinking, OMG how could I have done that to myself, cutting contact gave me instant peace and I also know he can’t suck me back in, I have learned too much and my pride won’t allow it.

  57. ly says:

    it certainly does get easier with time – i’m 24 days NC and i feel much more at peace. however, i’ve been feeling depressed the last couple of days. he is constantly on my mind and yesterday, he texted me. he asked if i’m “better” yet and that he misses the hell out of me.

    i bet he does. i have to say, the text made me smile. but i didn’t reply.

    i’m thinking of calling him on his bday in a week. what do you all think???? i go back and forth with it still.

    xoxo

  58. FinallyOverIt says:

    Sheila, you are completely right–nothing will ever change. I know this, and that’s also what keeps me strong. My EUM will never wake up one day and decide I am the most wonderful woman he has ever met. Quite the opposite, he used to say to me “When I meet the woman of my dreams….” which of course was a message to me that I am not, and will never be, the woman of his dreams. Not surprising that my self-esteem took a beating….

  59. Sheila says:

    astelle.. honestly… we were in a full fledged serious relationship from last May til this past February.. that’s what makes this so hard.. It was not all roses and lollipops, one reason being he was only seperated not divorced and there was alot of BS.. he is still no divorced, maybe once his lease is up in July, he’ll go back home. He put me thru hell the past year, hell!!! I went thru with all of our plans, he on the other hand did not and let me down. He is a self-absorbed, lying, hypocritical coward and I know that, but I can’t snap my fingers and have my feelings just disappear. If i wanted to continue this game, I would have never blocked him.. I blocked him and told him “game over”.. if i’m not in your life as we were, i’m not in your life at all.. None of this friend bullshit, and that’s exactly what it is. I have lost a best friend too and it sucks, but I’m not dwelling on this any longer than I have already. I’ve already wasted 3 months thinking something would change. Shame on me!!!!

  60. GiaNYC says:

    Astelle-I kinda understand where you’re coming from and the frustration.. See Sheila when you’re ‘healed’ and on the other side (if you wanna call it that) it becomes difficult to identify with the problem the same way as others who are struggling. Thats the beautiful thing about NC and focusing on you-you dont see things the same and its very easy to spot the problem. For me its gotten to the point where I cant remember the # of wks since i implemented NC tho I believe its somewhere around 9 (mainly bc Linda and I started @ the same time). Yes I did see him once but I got back on NC and stayed on NC-now I really dont care…I think of him @ times but its not so intense.. You kinda have to ask yourself do you want to stay miserable and be depressed or are you going to get up and do smthng about it. You already started-8days-stick to it and stop thinking of what ifs-think of it as being on a diet and losing weight. (so cliched but true)

  61. GiaNYC says:

    Ladies remember these men are NOT losing sleep over us!!! Why should we??

  62. FinallyOverIt says:

    Ok, ladies, I have a question for all of you.

    Let’s imagine that your EUM woke up one morning, and realized that he was totally in love with you, and wanted to spend every waking moment with you, shower you with love and affection, fulfill your every need and desire, and basically make you the center of his universe. He was completely remorseful and filled with regret about his horrible behavior toward you, and said his being emotionally unavailable all those years was an unexplained phenomenon that he has totally recovered from, and he is ready, willing and able to be the man you have dreamed of all these years.

    The question is: Would you still want him?

  63. Astelle says:

    Gia, I am really just trying to help and I am not frustrated at all. I understand the pain very well. There has to be a time where we tell ourselves, enough is enough, there is no answer or solution other than to walk away.
    Eventually I got to the point where I asked myself, do I keep this up or do I close the door. It is like ripping of a band aid, you can do it slow and it hurts longer or you rip it off fast.

  64. GiaNYC says:

    Very true-love the analogy

  65. Sheila says:

    I have to laugh at the “rip the band aid off”.. My EUM used to say that to me all the time in reference to telling my husband I was leaving him.. One day he even sent me a pix of a band aid..
    Oh, life works in funny ways huh?
    “Sheila, rip the band aid off”…

    Now look a year later, and he can’t even spell band aid

  66. GiaNYC says:

    Finallyoverit- as much as I loved him I would have to say “no”. The trust is gone and I would forever doubt his words-so what would be the point??? Our happiness would be so temporary.

  67. Kim says:

    GiaNYC – so true. As much as I still hurt at times being back with them is not the answer. I could never trust again either & you cant have a relationship without that.

  68. NML says:

    Ladies, please read this as it’s very important!

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I am going to have to do two of three things:

    Close comments on this post
    Set up a new post for you to continue this discussion
    Set up a section on the forum

    I mentioned a while ago to be careful of using more than one comment in a row – for instance speaking to one person in a comment, posting it, and then starting a new one because the site is slowing down! I’m not at that stage where I want to buy a dedicated server which means that you guys have to make a choice.

    I don’t want to delete any comments which means I’m going to have to sit for a few hours and condense where there is a string from one person so that the page speeds up but also doesn’t cause the site to crash.

    So what to do now?

    Check out http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forum and consider whether you want a section in there or a for me to set up a continuation of this post.

    I don’t mind if you discuss amongst yourselves here but I will have to condense afterwards.

    In the meantime until the situation is resolved, please don’t do strings of comments – that means don’t post three times in a row to different people. Use the comments like this:

    Astelle –
    Kim –
    GiaNYC –

    This way everyone knows who you’re referring to.

    Sorry to get all technical – I just don’t want this page to die after all of your contributions!

  69. Linda says:

    FinallyOverIt, I agree with Gia- I wouldn’t go back – the trust is gone and besides most of us have already heard all those things before. I would always be waiting for him to run again. MAYBE, if he went thru therapy with and without me, MAYBE, but that’s no guarentee. And we all know that therapy would be way too much for the ego. Sheila, You are only 1 week NC, what you are feeling is normal. Of course you’re still thinking about him all the time. I may be 2 months ahead of you but I still remember THAT pain. We were all doormats and sometimes that is pretty humiliating but it doesn’t take away the pain you’re going thru now. And it’s still so fresh for you. At 1-2 weeks NC, I wasn’t “working” on myself yet. I was still believing he would show up at my door and regret the horrible mistake he made. I was sad, mad, confused and crying all the time. So, you can’t just turn the feelings off but pretty soon, you will have to focus on you and moving on. And you may have to force yourself but don’t bury all your grieving feelings. You need to feel all that to heal. Just don’t let it go on forever.

  70. GiaNYC says:

    NML-so sorry. I will condense all my mssgs into one posting as I would hate for you to close this forum. Ladies please lets all try to mindful of NML’s request.

    Well I was downloading more songs onto my Ipod and one of my favorites is Power of Goodbye from Madonna. The lyrics are so true-about letting go..here they are:

    Your heart is not open so I must go
    The spell has been broken, I loved you so
    Freedom comes when you learn to let go
    Creation comes when you learn to say no

    You were my lesson I had to learn
    I was your fortress you had to burn
    Pain is a warning that something’s wrong
    I pray to God that it won’t be long
    Do ya wanna go higher?

    Chorus:

    There’s nothing left to try
    There’s no place left to hide
    There’s no greater power
    Than the power of good-bye

    Your heart is not open so I must go
    The spell has been broken, I loved you so
    You were my lesson I had to learn
    I was your fortress

    Chorus2:

    There’s nothing left to lose
    There’s no more heart to bruise
    There’s no greater power
    Than the power of good-bye

    Learn to say good-bye
    I yearn to say good-bye

    How great are those lyrics…letting go of things that are not beneficial to you in life. Ladies learning to sat goodbye..Check the video out on youtube-great somg-very touching

  71. heartbroken says:

    NML- maybe set up a new post

  72. Maria says:

    NML – I think a section in the Forum has the advantage that related (new) posts can be put under the same header. I’d go for it.

    I have some comments and questions for you ladies, but given the loading time of the page already, I’ll withhold until this issue is resolved.

    Good luck and good vibes for everyone! Stay positive.

  73. Sheila says:

    Hi Ladies.. I thought I would share a rather sad story, but a story that I think will put what we feel about these men in a little perspective. I just got news last night that a close friend of the family, I grew up with her, committed suicide. She was 42 years old and had two kids. She jumped off a bridge. She was divorced but had been for years, so I’m thinking that had nothing to do with it. She has been in alot of therapy, and recently realized that her brother and father molested her as a child. She had originally thought it was just dreams and that it never actually happened. She was involved with a MM and the relationship was very volatile. The wife had a restraining order on her, many confrontations, but somewhere, somehow, the relationship continued. I’m sure it was a combination of everything which sent her over the edge, her affair being one of reasons. I know we have all felt, myself included, that we will never get beyond our heartbreak. About 3 months ago, I felt that I would never get beyond it. The days when I was up at 6am and wondering what I was going to do with myself all day, so distraught. My point being, these men are not worth it , although it takes time to see the light. Talk to family, post here, talk to friends, but always remember that his heart ache is a feeling and like every other feeling it passes with time. I know you have all been there, just wishing the pain would go away, but it does. This BS we are dealing with or have dealt with will just make us stronger women and we will come out on top. It’s never that bad. As we sit here and talk about NC, I have realized that it is the only way to go to heal. I’m on Day 10, and although it still hurts, I am slowly healing. We can all heal from this, let’s just take the steps we need to get there!!

    My thought for today…

  74. heartbroken says:

    Sheila-

    That story is horrible. Ughh. I am sooo sorry. That does put things in perspective.

  75. Linda says:

    Gia, Listen to Daughtry’s OVER YOU

    Now that’s it’s all said and done
    I can’t believe you were the one
    To build me up and tear me down
    Like an old abandoned house
    What you said when you left
    Just left me cold and out of breath.
    I fell too far, was in way too deep
    Guess I let you get the best of me

    CHORUS:
    Well, I never saw it coming
    I should’ve started running
    A long, long time ago
    And I never thought I’d doubt you,
    I’m better off without you
    More than you, more than you know
    I’m slowly getting closure
    I guess it’s really over
    I’m finally getting better.
    And now I’m picking up the pieces.
    I’m spending all of these years
    Putting my heart back together.
    ‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through, I got over you.

    You took a hammer to these walls,
    Dragged the memories down the hall,
    Packed your bags and walked away
    There was nothing I could say
    And when you slammed the front door shut,
    A lot of others opened up
    So did my eyes so I could see
    That you never were the best for me

    CHORUS

    Sheila, I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. That’s terrible. An old friend of mine’s husband died a couple of weeks ago, young 51, unexpectedly and it does put so many things in perspective. Life is so short and we need to live it. And be happy. And if someone isn’t a positive in our lives, they shouldn’t be in them. I’ve wasted too much time on my ex EUM. I actually am frustrated right now because I still think about him and I’m tired of it. I push the thoughts out of my head but I still hate that they creep in there. I keep telling myself that it has only been 9-10 weeks NC, but it feels like it’s been 9 months that he’s been gone. I am not tempted to have contact with him but there are still times I would love to tell him off. If I let myself dwell on the subject, I can still get pretty angry. It passes quickly and I tell myself that I spent all those years with him, I won’t be over it in 9 weeks. Then I move on but I can’t wait for the time when days or even months go by that I don’t think about him. I think now it’s hard because everything is associated to him. Songs, sunsets, Las Vegas (we were always there), there’s a million things. He’s ruined things like that for me. I know I’ll be fine once I do some of those things with some new guy but you know the first time will always remind me of him. And trusting someone else if they even utter something he said to me. Like the first time some other guy called me Baby- I think my eyeballs popped out of my head and I called my girlfriend- How do I tell him not to call me that?? She said chill and get over it. I did and it didn’t bother me again. Stupid stuff like that- nobody ever called me that but him. But thank goodness there will always be new memories to make with someone new.

  76. NML says:

    Morning ladies! OK, aside from the new look, I have now fixed the issue in the forum which means I have set up a little spot for you ladies.

    Please continue your conversation in the forum as it means that you can comment to your hearts content without problems with loading the page. Don’t forget that people will still be able to read all of your comments and this post, and then come and join you.

    If you haven’t registered already, please register – there is a link on the forum

    This is where you should continue the conversation.

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/forum/?forum=9&topic=166&page=1

    See you there! Did you see my announcement about the book? xxx

  77. Sheila says:

    hello ladies.. how everyone is doing well.. I hate Mondays…Today i’m a little down, today is a very significant date to me and my EUM, but like all other days, it will pass. I’m on Day 13 of NC.. tomorrow will be two weeks.. This is the longest I have ever gone without talking to him, texting him, etc.. 13 days- NOTHING!!!!
    It’s hard, i still think about him alot, but the thoughts are not consuming and the anxiety is gone. Hopefully the thoughts will fade soon enough. I have been dating which is fun but dont’ feel remotely interested in anyone, which is fine. I also feel like I’m at the point where I don’t think I’ll ever feel the way towards anyone that I felt towards him. I’m imagining that this is normal, but I have no interest in casual sx or anything. I know we have all felt like this and I know I have felt like this in the past after a break up, but no one else interests me at all. I feel like I have reached the point of acceptance and am now just grieving. I know what you mean Linda about little things that are associated with him. I went to Boston on Saturday for the Red Sox game and had a knot in my stomach. We went up there all the time and I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
    God, this scks… I do have to say that NC is the way to go. If I didn’t block his cell and email, I don’t think I would have been able to do it. He cannot have me as a friend in his life after eveything that has happened, so I’m glad I did what I did and have my self respect.
    Linda, I hear that Daughtry song all the time.. great lyrics..

  78. Kim says:

    Sheila – I know the feeling well. I just got back from a trip. I had a lot of fun but nothing seems to compare to the times I had with my guy. I was with such fun, cute guys & I really did have a good time but why is it no ones seems to compare? I sometimes wonder if this “emptiness” will ever go away. I tried so hard to put myself “out there” & have fun. I would see a romantic couple, hear a song, etc. & it would just trigger a memory. It took me years to get past all of that the 1st time. To get a 2nd chance with him & do it again seems impossible at times. We both loved sports & I watched basketball playoffs yesterday & sat there & cried. It sucks. It has been months since we have broken up. I want to know 100% that he is EU with the “new girl’ & anyone else he meets so I can let go of all of this but I just don’t feel that is the case for some reason. Why is that? I WANT PROOF. I want to be a fly on the wall & know he is feeding her the same lines of shit & being a selfish egotistical ass. Even after reading all I have read & seeing all of the signs I still am not convinced . Isn’t it possible they remain EU until they fine “the one”? I read a good article regarding the show the “Bachelor” & how a guy just knows when a girl is the “one”. It said she is the woman that is sure of herself, that lives life to the fullest, that is genuine & passionate about things & not just HIM. That she isn’t afraid to open her heart & isn’t guarded. Her life doesn’t revolve around him. I don’t know about you but I was lacking in all of those areas. We somehow make our lives about them & they know that. I wasn’t even aware of it sometimes. I feel somtimes that is why my guy never committed. IIf he is really EU why is this super confident “newbie’ who models sticking with him? It all sickens me. Has your EUM ever divorced? Did he ever tell you he would ?

  79. Everdream says:

    Sheila & Ladies,

    I logged on today (like I do every day) and I was going to post but the funny thing was you had already posted exactly how I felt. I am 21 days of NC (7 weeks since we split) and for some reason this weekend was one of the hardest. I know I am doing NC for a reason – to move on to something better, something that I want and deserve – But (and I don’t know whether you feel the same) – it all feels a little at the moment like I am going through the motions. And like you – no-one else interests me They’re not him!!!!

    I had a fight with logic this weekend – I know I am doing this for a reason, I know it was not what I wanted, I know he “played” me but if I’m honest I still have that feint hope that he will realise his loss.

    21 days plus is the longest NC we have ever had, it was apx 21 days when we split before that he ended up contacting me and I suppose in a weird way because we are going past that time scale I am feeling hurt again – I know its wrong but I sort of expected to hear from him again – wanted to (if I am being 100% truthful) – Coz this right now sucks!!!!!!

    Was on my own 5 years (after divorce) before I met him and now it feels just like more of the same. Boring!!! Pointless!!! Uninteresting!!! – Plastic men on plastic dates – Going through the motions.

    This is where the fight with logic comes in – I read every day what you all say and I know that if I was back in the middle of it again – I would be feeling as raw and as unhappy and confused as I always was. But I miss him!!!

    I’m not going to break the NC (I would look pretty stupid if I did – and I’ve done that enough times believe me) – but right now this minute – I wish he would.

    Sorry, I know this goes against the whole principle of the site and the idea of NC but hey – if I can’t say it here where can I say it. I loved him and I still do. xx

  80. Sheila says:

    Kim.. you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, so I’m sure it’s not all roses and lollipops between them. The issues he had are his issues, not issues that had anything to do with you. Those are the same issues he brought into this new relationship and the same sht will happen. Don’t beat yourself up about that.. you are who you are, and all the what if’s will drive you crazy. I have to say I haven’t cried in a while, but still have anxiety that hits me like a ton of bricks.
    My EUM did tell me he was gonna divorce, then when we finally broke up the middle of February, he told me he was planning on divorcing but could not tell me when. He said, ” we were in two different places”, althuogh we both moved out at the same time, and he was pushing way more than I was. I cannot see him filing for divorce, and can’t see him going back. I do know that his lease on his apt is up the end of July, should be interesting to see what he does. I cannot picture him continuing to rent, but who knows. Maybe July will hit and he’ll move back with his wife. The whole thing just sickens me to death to be honest with you. He is one big hypocritical coward, who talks the talk, but can’t walk the walk. He cheats, he lies, and doesn’t take any responsibility for his actions. As much as I’m hurting, why would I want him. People don’t change and he won’t either. The guy that I fell in love with was not him, that guy was too real.

  81. Sheila says:

    Everdream.. just saw your post.. OMG.. a page out of my book.. It’s not healthy for them to reach out, but you wish they would and realize their loss.. This is the longest yet I have gone.. and it’s so so hard. I think we still have that hope that all this work will pay off and they’ll come back to us, but that’s not true. I will not break NC either.. that is not an option.. You’re right, we would look like fools, and be back to square one. I keep the NC knowing that he has no say in the matter anymore as far as talking to me. He can’t call me, he can text but I won’t get it, and i blocked my email, so I won’t get that. He can still use work email but hasn’t, but guess what? I HAVENT’ EITHER.. Don’t think for a minute these guys are thinking any day will come and we’ll crack… I had to block his number from my cell, I am not strong enough to ignore him, so I had to take a diffrerent route. It’s also beneficial b/c i don’t know if he trys to call or not, so that takes all the drama out of it. I love knowing that i know nothing. It makes he healing a little quicker.

  82. GiaNYC says:

    Hi Ladies,

    Im not even sure how many wks of NC im in now but its been a 9 or 10. (broke it once) but I will tell you-it DOES get better. MY EUM called me last wk and I didnt pick up-had no desire to. I looked @ the # and hit ignore. Then I had a restricted # come in-I hit ignore. It may have been him….my point is I really dont care anymore. I love him but im falling out of love with him-I think of him sporadically thru out the day but the more I think of him the more convinced I am that I can do better-A LOT better! Im a prize in every sense of the word. Time truly does heal and if after 6wks you still find urself obsessing over ur EUM then you may want to seek out psychological help. Its not being said as an insult but truly you may need professional intervention. Bc the fact that we would be addicted someone who mistreated us goes a lot deeper than ‘love’. Ive realized that. What I think is love maybe an addiction to an unhealthy relationship. At the beginning of my NC I would get a high everytime I saw my EUM’s # come across my screen-I soooo wanted to pick up and I did once. When I saw his # last wk-I felt shock more than anything else also was turned off bc it shows hes still the same man. He’s obviously ‘fishing’ to see what I have been up to and who knows also to get a feel of my beautiful body (lol). All I can say is you will love and laugh again-just be strong. Im not 100pct healed but Im on my way to it-it can happen!!!

  83. GiaNYC says:

    Oh and for you ladies who are new to the site-the ONE time I answered his call and broke 6 wks ofNC) he was over @ my house within the hour and we had sex…he was very attentive for the next few days but I could see he didnt change so I hopped back onto NC. My point is if you do fall off the wagon you CAN get back on. (Tho I would prefer you dont) :)

  84. Kim says:

    Everdream – I can totally relate. I am 8 years out of a divorce so I totally understand. Feels like the divorce all over again & I am so sick of being alone yet I always am. I know that is why I haven’t totally moved on, why I hung onto to this last relationship like there was no tomorrow. That & the fact of the history we had. Don’t apologize for anything you say here. We all have our good & bad days. I struggle with the “head & heart” thing daily.

    Sheila – I needed to hear what you said. My EUM said the same things. That we were in different places & different people now even though I told him from day one about my hesitancy to get involved. That I didnt want to be a rebound – that I wanted to be the one he ended up with. I fought him off for months while he, like your guy, pushed for the relationship. The reason I question myself is I said a lot of stupid things. I hadn’t dated for years & felt him withdrawing. A lot of “normal” men do that in response to things you say. I have a question for you & anyone else who cares to answer. It was long distance so why would he look me up & pursue me from 1200 miles just to get a booty call? Wouldnt it have been easier to find someone local to mess with? I think he truly did want to see what was there as he said he always had something in him for me that never left. That is why I am not 100% convinced. He could have “used” someone locally.

    Gia – I got an email today & responded & broke NC. It has been since Feb. but I was just so curious. He just said hey & asked how I was & about my kids. Very basic. I dont understand it because we can’t “hook up” from 1200 miles.What does he gain from it? At times I wish I WAS there so I could see him in action being an a**clown. At least I would know he hasnt change instead of beating myself up. If Astelle is right then he looked me up to feed his bruised ego & used the distance as an excuse as to why he couldnt get involved & used me as a “filler” until he met someone local. If that is 100% true it sucks. He was a friend & I can’t imagine doing that to someone.

  85. Everdream says:

    Gia,
    Accepting your comments as totally genuine concern and understanding I can’t really help but respond to the bit in your post:-
    “Time truly does heal and if after 6wks you still find urself obsessing over ur EUM then you may want to seek out psychological help. Its not being said as an insult but truly you may need professional intervention. Bc the fact that we would be addicted someone who mistreated us goes a lot deeper than ‘love’. Ive realized that.”

    To be fair, I think your use of the word “obsessing” suggests that life and normal functioning isn’t going on and that there is still a level of understanding to be had about the situation that me and a lot of us are in. People do things at different rates and a variety of factors can determine that rate such as previous experiences, divorce, age, children etc. To suggest that if you are still missing and thinking about someone 6/7 weeks after it has ended (which I consider to be relatively early days) is a requirement for “psychological help” is a little like setting a template over the whole thing and although that may be your time frame it may not be for other people. I apologise if you feel that I have taken the suggestion in the wrong way because I do know that everything on here is well meaning but sometimes it really just is the simple fact that you just damn well miss them, (wrong as that may be) whether it be after 2 weeks or 6 months – that’s all I was really trying to say.

    Kim – Snap!!!! Yep sick of being alone, always on my own, single working mum to two. Took me a long time to build up trust again after my divorce then along comes Mr EUM (eventhough like us all I didn’t know what one of those was at the time). Of course I get that its not good for me, never was and never will be but compared to another 5 years on my own – sometimes it seems a price worth paying. If that makes sense!!! Doesn’t mean that I’m going to step back into it though – I just wanted to say (write) that out loud.

    As for your EUM, you still have a million “Why’s” and the truth is none of us will ever know – only he knows the answer to those. And that’s half the battle, the “Why’s” that’s what we torture ourselves with. Why did he say those things and then treat me that way etc etc. I have analysed the Why’s till I’m blue in the face. Hey a few crystal balls wouldn’t go amiss would they?

    Sheila, You’re right – you know in your mind that you’re doing NC for a reason. And that reason is to get to a better place, have a better relationship with someone new. Part of the problem is this bit of the journey when you realise that NC means that you’ll never see them again. When the truth – as opposed to just the words dawn on you. I’ll admit that I ended things and started NC because I thought he would have an epiphany and realise how wonderful we could be and fight to get me back and that we would have a “real” relationship. The truth unfortunately is dawning, he isn’t going to. I am never going to see him again. That’s the bit that feels raw. :)

    Goodnight ladies, sleep well x

  86. GiaNYC says:

    Everdream,

    I agree when you say everyone has their own time to heal but when I suggested psychological help by no means is it an insult or weakness. I have in the past as well as others on this blog have see a therapist once or twice if not a many times. I think its completely healthy. If someone is mistreating us and showing they dont love us we must step back and look @ why we want to continue being in smthng so unhealthy. And if we cant figure it out on our won then I see nothing wrong with sitting with a professional who can help us thru it. Sorry if my message was misinterpereted. By no means do I want to sound like the ‘Healed’ one bc Im not. As a matter of fact my EUM txt me today and he said he missed a lot-he then followed up with another txt asking if I still loved him. At first it was so easy to reject the txt and feel nothing. But I would be lying if i said right now my heart is not telling me smthng different. No I wont respond bc Ive come to far to go all the way back. Geez I wouldnt know my way back even if I wanted to go..I dont know my EUM anymore-hes virtually become a stranger..Stay strong ladies…

  87. Sheila says:

    NC sucks..let’s call it what it is.. but it’s something you need to get thru for long term happiness.. I had a horrible day yesterday, horrible night and woke up with anxiety.. I am on 2 weeks NC.. I think I’ve figured out that it’s starting to hit me that it’s over, and that two weeks have gone by. I think it’s part of the grieving process, but boy, does it sting…I have also heard that it may get worse before it gets better, so i”m sticking it out. No way will I reach out to him, not an option, I have put my foot down and do not want any part of him, although it still hurts. It’s like breaking a bad habit, coming off a drug, and moving on. I heard a song on the way into work today on the 70’s station ( XM radio).. the chorus was something like this..

    I love you too much to ever start liking you
    So lets just let the story kinda end
    I love you too much to ever start liking you
    So don’t expect for me to be your friend

    Game on ladies, i know it sucks, but let’s stop putting it off..

  88. heartbroken says:

    I will have 4 weeks of NC as of this coming thursday. I am having a mix of emotions- from hating him to missing him to depression. There is no future with my eum as he is married. I know that. So I am just trying to keep myself busy. For all you experienced NCers how long does it take til I don’t care at all? Will he ever be out of my head?

  89. Kim says:

    Everdream – Price worth paying? I totally understand that thought. Anyone who has ever experienced single parenting & being on their own for so long without a companion would understand. It is one tough job. I too am a single mom of 2. I had a hard time putting my heart out there again as well after so long & my 1st experience was the same. With someone who pursued me like hell but kept me around until the “right” thing came along. I thought this was my time, fate. I have had the same thoughts that being with him was no where near as bad as the loneliness. We never fought, always had fun. I hate that it has been so long & I haven’t found any relief. Once he was married I let go of all of my feelings for him. (that was the 1st time years ago) To get a 2nd chance & know he is still single bothers me. I guess I just can’t forgive myself for not moving back & playing it out. I just have to keep reminding myself it was a one sided relationship in the end.

    Gia – I agree with you that counseling can’t hurt. I am in therapy but I cant afford to go often so I dont feel it is helping much. You are strong to not respond to his text. Knowing it will all end up the same is a driving force. Mine doesnt ask questions like that or I would probably crack. He has moved on. I haven’t. I can’t. Not only do I miss the attention & hate the loneliness but I actually miss him.

    Sheila – I have no choice but to move on. He doesn’t want me back. i don’t get texts like you guys. it is supposed to be easier this way but it isn’t. Can’t wait for the day it is. It took me years to get over my divorce & I didn’t love my husband. I loved this guy. It sucks. It truly does. Dang I need to read NML’s book again.

  90. GiaNYC says:

    Heartbroken,

    As the wks go by you should start feeling better enough to smile again and have some fun.
    If after 4wks ure still mopping its bc YOU dont want to heal-you’re blocking the healing process.
    Not to say you will be 100pct happy but the pill is not as bitter as the first wk

  91. Kim says:

    Heartbroken – I wish I had the answer. I am a bad example because I have had unresolved feelings for this guy from 25 years ago. My marriage was a rebound from that. All I know is getting out there helps. At first no one compares but then you will meet a guy & feel a spark & think ok there is hope. I feel for you. We all are feeling the effects. I met a guy last week that was the sweetest thing. He gave me such attention, was a cutie, & it was the 1st time I have felt ANYTHING for anyone since my breakup with my EUM. It was nice to know I could feel something with someone else after being so guarded. Too bad he wasn’t from around here. Just visiting.

  92. Sheila says:

    Heartbroken.. 2nd week still sucks.. LOL, but it will pass… It was ok the first week and a half bc it was a challenge and new.. Now it’s 2 weeks, and it’s sinking in that ‘s it’s over…
    There is no easy cure..

  93. NML says:

    OK ladies – I really have to close the comments on this now!

    Go here

    You can continue the conversation in the forum – any problems registering or logging in, please email me.

    Thanks

    xxx

  94. […] had quite a few emails asking about how to cope with breaking up, particularly after applying the No Contact Rule or even the slightly less daunting Get Out […]

  95. […] of the ladies that love an assclown Mr Unavailable, and especially for women who have started the No Contact Rule. The second commandment of breaking up and moving on after a break up focuses on the tricky subject […]

  96. […] clear is that despite appearances from the outside, such as breaking it off with him, starting the No Contact Rule, and seemingly getting on with their lives, their thoughts are consumed with wondering about the […]

  97. […] that they instigate the No Contact Rule, it’s because they have exhausted all other avenues. The No Contact Rule is for breaking up with men that don’t want to break…but they don’t want to give […]

  98. […] And what followed was Sheila’s own public struggle with No Contact, with readers trying to help, the two of us emailing, and Sheila veering between being in ok-ish state to being totally distraught. They were sometimes speaking every day, sleeping together, she would feel hopeful, he would disappoint (again), and so the cycle continued. You can see a lot of what was going on here. […]

  99. […] am a huge advocate for using the No Contact Rule on men that just seem to have an allergy to breaking up and making a clean break. Even when you […]

  100. […] get out plan to gradually extricate yourself out of the relationship or go full throttle with the No Contact Rule and cut the dialogue between […]

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!
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