The No Contact Rule is a delicate balancing act between taking back control, booting someone out of your life (even if they don’t know it) and not going crazy. You apply the No Contact Rule (NC) when you are in a relationship that just won’t die a death even though it’s dead as a dodo, when a guy likes to boomerang in and out of your life whenever it suits, and especially when you keep flogging a dead horse and chasing him around even though he’s mistreating you.
The No Contact Rule is about closure and closing a door even when you don’t get to have a ‘conversation’ or a big break up moment, and this is what most women struggle with. You LOVE to have the conversation and you NEED to have the break up moment because you think it’s what you need for closure and you like wondering ‘What if?’
- What if I play doormat a little bit more? Maybe he’ll finally see how great I am?
- What if I expect nothing at all from him? Maybe he won’t feel so pressured.
- What if I finish it with him and he then becomes The Ideal Man for the next woman?
I’m going to say something that some of you will not want to hear: With men that don’t know their arses from their elbow, who blow hot and cold, and who won’t commit to either being with you or not being with, you have got to toughen up.
‘Conversations’ with a man that you’ve been going nowhere with, who has been using you, sleeping with you when it suits, disappearing, coming back, making promises, breaking promises – whatever, don’t make a blind bit of difference; they just give you a reason to look for that one little eeeny weeny nugget of something to make you stay invested and give another chance, just so that he can turn around and do the same thing all over again!
Ladies, wise up, toughen up, smell the coffee, and take control, because you can’t control him and the way this dead end relationship is going but you can control how YOU are affected by being with him and you can get closure without him being the one to close the door. Why the hell do we need these men to close the door for closure? WE can close the door and damn well slam it shut when they try to push it back open.
And that is the barometer of how successful NC is – When they attempt to open the door, there must be no response. The door must be closed, not slightly ajar to hear whatever rinky, dinky, BS excuse he has.
So what does NC involve?
No calling, emailing, faxing, message in a bottle, texting, communication by osmosis, Morse code, or anything. No contact means no contact. It is that simple. Sit on your hands, tape your dialing fingers together, reward yourself for getting to milestones but do not contact him.
Do not allow any of the following things to break NC:
You have an emergency.
You’re out of another break up with someone else and seeking comfort.
If you react to any of these booby traps, you will not only end up regretting it, but you will have to start the whole process all over again, whilst he sits there thinking ‘ so she does still want me. Mmm, yeah I still don’t wanna be with her though….’
No contacting him via your friends. Instruct all that know you both not to come to you with any information about him, unless he has ‘the clap’ or some other such STD that affects your health. You need to move on and forget about him, not be hearing out of context information where people make more out of something than actually exists.
No sex. No quick fumbles, slippery snogs, one last shag for old times sake, or any bodily contact. Ever.
Get rid of his contact details. I’ll let you keep his number for three months and that is only so that you know it is him if he decides to call and you’ll know not to answer. Otherwise wipe out all information you have on him because no contact means you are breaking up and closing the door on that chapter in your life.
Challenge yourself not to think about him. Day one, each time you think of him, mark it down on a sheet of paper in your diary or something. Total it up and the next day, aim to do less. Or if you’re really hung up it might be better to do it by week. Target yourself to reduce it down each day/week. The trick is that if you are focusing on you and feeling in a better place emotionally, you won’t be thinking about this joke of a man.