The No Contact Rule is a delicate balancing act between taking back control, booting someone out of your life (even if they don’t know it) and not going crazy. You apply the No Contact Rule (NCR) when you are in a relationship that just won’t die a death even though it’s dead as a dodo, when a guy likes to boomerang in and out of your life whenever it suits, and especially when you keep flogging a dead horse and chasing the guy around even though he is mistreating you.
The No Contact Rule is about closure and closing a door even when you don’t get to have a ‘conversation’ or a big break up moment, and this is what most women struggle with. You LOVE to have the conversation and you NEED to have the break up moment because you think it’s what you need for closure and you like wondering ‘What if?’
What if I play doormat a little bit more? Maybe he’ll finally see how great I am?
What if I expect nothing at all from him? Maybe he won’t feel so pressured.
What if I finish it with him and he then becomes The Ideal Man for the next woman?
I’m going to say something that some of you will not want to hear. With men that don’t know their arses from their elbow, blow hot and cold, and won’t commit to either being with you or not being with, you have got to toughen up.
‘Conversations’ with a man that you’ve been going nowhere with, who has been using you, sleeping with you when it suits, disappearing, coming back, making promises, breaking promises, whatever, don’t make a blind bit of difference. They just give you a reason to look for that one little eeeny weeny nugget of something to make you stay invested and give him a chance, just so that he can turn around and do the same thing all over again!
Ladies, wise up, toughen up, smell the coffee, and take control because you can’t control him and the way this dead end relationship is going but you can control how YOU are affected by being with him and you can get closure without him being the one to close the door. Why the hell do we need these men to close the door for closure? WE can close the door and damn well slam it shut when they try to push it back open.
And that is the barometer of how successful the NCR is – When they attempt to open the door, there must be no response. The door must be closed, not slightly ajar to hear whatever rinky, dinky, BS excuse he has.
So what does the NCR involve?
No calling, emailing, faxing, message in a bottle, texting, communication by osmosis, Morse code, or anything. No contact means no contact. It is that simple. Sit on your hands, tape your dialing fingers together, reward yourself for getting to milestones but do not contact him.
Do not allow any of the following things to break the NCR:
You’re hormonal.
You’re horny.
You’re drunk.
You’re lonely.
You’re nostalgic.
You’re weak.
You have an emergency.
You’re out of another break up with someone else and seeking comfort.
If you react to any of these booby traps, you will not only end up regretting it, but you will have to start the whole process all over again, whilst he sits there thinking ‘ so she does still want me. Mmm, yeah I still don’t wanna be with her though….’
No contacting him via your friends. Instruct all that know you both not to come to you with any information about him, unless he has ‘the clap’ or some other such STD that affects your health. You need to move on and forget about him, not be hearing out of context information where people make more out of something than actually exists.
No sex. No quick fumbles, slippery snogs, one last shag for old times sake, or any bodily contact. Ever.
Get rid of his contact details. I’ll let you keep his number for three months and that is only so that you know it is him if he decides to call and you’ll know not to answer. Otherwise wipe out all information you have on him because no contact means you are breaking up and closing the door on that chapter in your life.
Challenge yourself not to think about him. Day one, each time you think of him, mark it down on a sheet of paper in your diary or something. Total it up and the next day, aim to do less. Or if you’re really hung up it might be better to do it by week. Target yourself to reduce it down each day/week. The trick is that if you are focusing on you and feeling in a better place emotionally, you won’t be thinking about this joke of a man.
Check out part 2
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You girls are all correct. Sheila- I did the same thing you have done for the 5 years I dated my ex EUM. I always kept the door open for him. When he broke up with me before, I was available online to talk to him. One time, I sent a card with a huge loving note in it blah blah blah. I would go shopping by his house because they had such a great garden center (1 hour from my house).. I made all the excuses for him and to contact him, etc.. THIS time, I CLOSED the door. He is still blocked from my email and IM. It’s VERY hard at first, and in the beginning when I still was hoping he would contact me ( because I think we all HOPE for that at first), I just kept thinking if he really wants to get in touch with me, he will. I really don’t know if he has tried to email me- My guess is that he has but I have it automatically deleted. I have had some blocked calls on my cell phone with no messages- and it wasn’t the only person I know who comes up private. ( I asked her). First, he had no problems chasing me and finding ways to contact me or see me 5 years ago when he wanted me. Second, IF he EVER wants to contact me, it WILL not be easy for him. He put me thru hell, so if he ever wants to contact me, he can go thru hell. The first few weeks, I repeatedly told myself EVERYDAY, he doesn’t love me and why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t love me?? After a few weeks, I actually believed it. Now, I don’t want to hear from him. I don’t want to be friends and I don’t want to know what’s going on in his life. That’s why his whole family and friends are also blocked from my email and IM. I think it started as a defensive mechanism for me- WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW, CAN’T HURT YOU. So, of course my imagination ran wild for quite a few weeks but now, I just don’t care. When I would start talking to my girlfriend about how he was probably so happy with his new girlfriend, she would always show me the other side- maybe they are not even together anymore- maybe she dumped him. It’s easier to live in MY world- the one where he’s miserable. He won’t hurt me again. I never want to feel again like you do now. And it’s not love, not healthy love anyway. I guess I just got to the point I felt like I ate so much of his shit for 5 years that when I found out about the other girl, it was my LAST STRAW. It was my last humiliation. It made me see that after all our time together- all our years, trips, engagement- that’s what I was worth to him?? That’s how much respect he had for me?? To lie and cheat and not know how to tell me he was seeing someone else while he screwed me?? It was my RB. So, now, I’m climbing back out of that hole and it does get better. This week has been hard- we were supposed to be on vacation together (I’m sure the new girl was instead) and that still stings but I don’t want him back……. He made his bed and now he can lie in it. He does have a conscience, so I know somewhere along the line, he will feel bad. And that’s my satisfaction. That and he’ll never know if I have forgiven him. Remeber they are usually very insecure, so I know my ex EUM was all about people liking him. The night he broke up with me, I told him I hated him – he cried, cried- tears, the whole deal. So, I know at sometime, he’ll want to know I don’t have hard feelings toward him. Satisfaction: he’ll never know.
i agree Linda.. if they want to find you it’s not that hard.. it sends a huge message.. i am so so sick of the emotional roller coaster.. It’s time to get off this ride an get the hell out of the park!!!
Kim,
You made me chuckle!! It’s amazing that they ALL use the same lines, too!! Is there a book they read?? I, like you, did not know what an EUM was, didn’t see all the red flags- I fell in love with someone I thought felt the same way. I know my ex EUM is with the new girl because it’s exciting, new, fun, new ego stroking. That’s all these girls have over us. NEWNESS!! And I know I can’t compete with that. Sure it’s great to have your ego stroked in a new way after having it stroked the same way for all these years. That’s the need these new girls fulfill. That and the constant need to be in control of their freedom- their singleness. But eventually the honeymoon is over and all those new relationships will be, too. That’s when they try to come back. Their true colors will come out. Kim, you’re guy is truly a d*ckhead. He’s actually SAID horrible things to you. Mine wasn’t mentally or physically abusive. Just a commitment phobe. Kim, I have a question for you. Do you think that you are EU right now because of what happened with your husband?? Maybe that was why this EUM came back in your life. You’re EU right now and this will be such a growing experience for you. You definately learned what you DON’T want. I was actually somewhat EU with my husband because of some childhood issues. And then I hooked up with a EUM- I have learned sooooooo much about my emotional self thru all this. I keep telling myself I went thru all this so my next relationship will be the one. I know when I’m EU and I know how to spot an EUM. So, I should get it right pretty soon!!!
Sheila, that’s how I still feel. You know where I work, you know where I live, you know my address, cell number, my familys’ emails, my family phone numbers, my friends phone numbers. There are ways if you really need to get a hold of someone. I think they become chicken. I think my ex EUM is running so scared right now because I have never done this before. He doesn’t know what to do with all this. I always made up, made friends with him, enabled him to sleep soundly at night. Not this time. Yes, don’t send the letter. I packed up all my ex EUM’s trinkets (little things that meant things to both of us – not gifts, sentimental things) and I was going to send it to him. My brother actually talked me out of it. He said, you won’t get to see his reaction to the box and you look like the pathetic, hurt “here’s getting even with you” baby. I put the box in the basement. He was right. No dragging it out. End. Cold turkey.
tell me i’ll feel better !!!!!
Not today, maybe not tomorrow, but YES you will feel better. I’m very glad I didn’t send him anything. Think of it this way. Give yourself time and if in 6 months from now, you want revenge, get even then. Revenge is a dish best seved cold. Maybe someday, when he’s really moved on, I’ll send it to him. Surprise!! I HOPE I don’t feel that way in 6 months but right now because it’s all fresh, I do. I think the lesson is NOT to do anything now while we are emotionally f*cked up. Give it time and see how we feel. You do know that that letter isn’t going to change his mind about anything. He will still be a d*ck. ( I haven’t figured out the male equivilant of a c*nt). Cuz that’s what they are. He won’t turn into prince charming or fall madly in love with you. At first, NC was the only thing I hadn’t tried. I cried, yelled, talked, used sex, used guilt, begged- anything I could do. It didn’t change a thing. So, NC was all that was left. But it’s amazing how things become so much clearer after a few weeks. How you start feeling like a strong woman again. Not some meek, coward that will say how high when he says jump.
Linda, I don’t think he became chicken, he is busy with that new girl, right?
Why would he be too chicken to make contact?
Just wondering.
i feel that way too.. i have not tried NC yet.. and everything else has not helped me move on..
this is the answer!!!!!!!!!!!!
does anyone ever feel like a pang of anxiety over the loss? I am feeling like that now. Like i am scared not to have this hell in my life.
or nervous not to have him anymore.
Another busy day I see on the site…i think it can be a little of both Astelle. Sometimes these men dont like confrontation so @ whatever cost they just stay away bc they know once they initiate contact the tears and poor me game will start and to be honest these men dont want to deal with it. Or it can be that they are just preoccupied with their fresh new ‘meat’ that its no biggie to them that you are no longer around. I think the key in healing is not to make excuses and just take the truth in the face even if it hurts. I equate it to my tattoo that i got-God it was painful but the end result was this beautiful work of art. When the needle first touched my skin it was painful but then I become numb to it and let the artist finish. Whatever works for you ladies-just do it-dont make excuses for why you cant or put if off for silly reasons. I still feel it a little everyday but I can cope -wouldnt trade how I feel now for how I felt before I left him.
Heartbroken all that you are feeling is natural. The anxiety, pain, nervousness-all those feelings are signs that these relationships were all wrong for us. Im 8wks into NC (if you want to call it that) and there is zero anxiety..pain is slightly there not much, the nervousness is there a little too but only bc we work in the same company and its a little awkward if/when i run into him. But I can tell you if we didnt work together I would not be nervous @ all.
I can assure you ladies these men are NOT blogging about us all day, not having anxiety attacks, nor losing sleep bc of us!
Linda – Wierd! You & I are the same age & I believe my issues are from childhood as well! Maybe we had the same parents? LOL If you can believe this my marriage was actually a rebound from my relationship with this EUM from 25 years ago! I truly don’t remember him being this way & we dated for 4 years! I only saw him on the weekends so who knows who he was bangin’ when I wasn’t around. I was so young & nieve. We had a great sex life & attraction back then. Do you realize what it was like to get another chance with him after all I had been through? I had nothing but good memories of him. I truly thought it was fate. I didn’t realize it was a bruised ego! He had heard I never got over him. I think he came to me from his marriage failing. He lied & said he was over it. I fought him on it for months. Many people told me he should have divorced years ago. I NEVER expected him to lie like he did. I sometimes think maybe he did actually want to give it a try but he just had so many other EUM traits. I have grown a lot through my experiences & called him on every flag I saw. I just couldnt understand how someone could tell you such loving things & their actions were SO different. I didn’t get that at all until this site. With the distance & the fact these guys can’t stand being alone he moved right on to the next ego stroker because she was readily avaiable. I truly thought he meant what he said that he had met no one that compared to our realtionship so I didn’t expect him to move on. Looking back I kind of broke it off. I sensed something wasnt right & there was someone else. Did he man up? Hell no. Who knows how long he was seing us both & had I not questioned him he may still be seeing us both! I commend you for being so strong & the lack of contact. There is no other way. I have done the same thing. I f*d with him for awhile as he emailed me last in March. There is another part to my story as I think he needs me for something business related & that was part of his motivation when looking me up as well. He emailed me in March asking for my help & I actually lured him via email & he took the bait. I was saving the emails of him still agreeing to “hook up” at ANY time to use as ammunition if needed but I’ve never used it. Loser. I bet his girlfriend would love to know he screwed me after they became such an “item” & that he STILL agrees to! THAT was my motivation to ditch the guy. He doesn’t even know I am broken up over this. He thinks I still just “dig” him because he is so special.
Sheila – when I was home at xmas I hooked up with my EUM. I wanted to prove to myself he was a player. I thought it would bring me closure. It didn’t. It made me feel worse. The minute he was done screwing me he went to check his cell phone to see if he got a text from his “girl”. He to this day doesn’t know I know about her. Something else – he never ONCE made a noise during sex in the yr we dated. He went out of his way to please me & was a freak in bed but the minute I was the “other” woman he made plenty of noises. If that isn’t sick I don’t know what is. I have raised 2 kids on my own, bought my own house & worked my way back from bankruptcy, etc. I left my hometown & everyone I knew & have been totally alone so I KNOW why I latched on to this like there was no tomorrow! I was SO ready for a relationship. I am DONE being single. To answer your question Linda I have a fear of getting involved with men & of being alone. I am not sure why other than my childhood. This EUM situation didn’t help much & I don’t have much comparison of relationships to go by other than they both pursued me & I didn’t have to put myself out there. I think it all comes down to self love. At 43 I still haven’t learned that & thought I had. I am dealing with that now in therapy as well as my fear of men. Kudos to you for gettin’ back out there! Too bad we all can’t get together & party some of this misery away! We should plan a yearly trip! LOL Talk about a support group! LOL
GiaNYC – You are right about the guys! They have moved on!
Astelle- I do think that he is busy with his new girl but I also think he is chicken. First, he would have to say he’s sorry. His big ole ego would have to admit he made a mistake. He would have to explain why he would do that to someone he wanted to marry. They aren’t stupid. They know right form wrong. And they don’t like to be wrong. Second, he wasn’t going to tell me about his new girlfriend so he could keep me as his fall back girl. He was going to play both sides. So, when I found out and confronted him, he didn’t close the door. He answered my phone calls until I stopped calling. So, I think that NOW that I have closed the door and not contacted him, he is afraid to contact me. He hates confrontation. He hated it when we dated. And in his usual fashion, about 3 weeks after I confronted him, he has made himself available for me to contact him. He is visible online frequently. That was our usual first contact after a break up. He could block me. We live an hour apart, he could disappear out of my life like I did his. It doesn’t matter if he’s chicken or happy or dead, I’m getting him out of my life.
Kim, good for you. I think you are on the track to self love. I dealt with my childhood EU issues while I was married but I think it just didn’t help my marriage. There was a lot of damage done. I was better emotionally with my ex EUM which of course became a whole other problem but it’s all been a learning experience. I’m still getting there. I knew my ex EUM had something going on also but I so wanted to believe his lies because he was so convincing. Yes, I heard it all, too. We were destined, soulmates, blah blah. I do think he loved me and wanted the things he said but when it comes down to crunch time, he just can’t commit. It’s sad.
Heartbroken- yep, the anxiety, sleepless nights, stomach ache, lack of energy- all normal. I, like Gia, don’t have the anxiety anymore (I had my first panic attack 2 days after I started NC) but it still sucks sometimes. I just tell myself that this man has been in my life for so very long, I can’t expect myself to be over it in 2 months. That’s all it’s been- feels like a lifetime since I’ve seen or heard his voice. But 2 months isn’t that long and the flip side is that I’ve come so far in that time. Keep strong.
So i am having a slip back moment. Wondering if he will ever show up here again. Ughh. I know i should NOT care. It is just wild for me to think that it is over. It has been a year and half and i can’t believe that it is done. That I actually won’t see this person again in my life.
Heartbroken, it won’t be the last slip back moment. We all get nostalgic , we miss them, their presence. Just keep thinking about what you are to him and how he treats you and that he sleeps with his wife every night. When sentimental thoughts fill your head, think of the bad things. Eventually, you will train yourself to think about him that way. I do. I still push the good thoughts out of my head. Someday, they won’t be as painful. And keep telling yourself that you deserve so much more than what he’s given you. Keep your life goals in your thoughts. Think about the husband and family you want and he’s never going to give that to you. And what are you really losing?? How much has he really been in your life?? Does he attend family functions with you?? Holidays?? Weddings?? Does he spend time with your family?? Do you spend time with his?? If you had to go to the hospital for an emergency, can you call him to come and take you?? Can he spend the night at the hospital with you when one of your family is sick?? Can you walk proudly down the street on his arm?? What would he introduce you as?? I don’t think he is in your life as much as you think he is. Stay strong and you will have someone who is IN your life.
Ladies, good morning. It has been busy here, I see. I pushed aside my misgivings and met up with my guy yesterday. It was sad, but it was necessary. Painful things came out in the open, and I was glad to see that some soul-searching had also been going on with him. Basically he says he loves me, misses me, but will respect whatever I decide to do. I told him I need no contact at all until I am ready, or until forever, depending on how it goes. He accepts that. He held me and cried into my hair. He’s unhappy with the situation… but he’s still not giving up his girl. It doesn’t matter to me at this point. He must make his decisions, and I have made mine.
So, how am I feeling now? Calmer, but definitely sadder. I am not harbouring toxic negative feelings for him now, but there is such finality to where we are that my sadness is really deep. It hurts me to think that it is really over now. I am on my own. I can’t count on him any more, I can’t rely on his support, I can’t share things I would like to share with him. It tears at my heart to think of never seeing him again, never talking to him. I feel lonely, and tearful. Meeting up with him has definitely set me back, but I felt like I couldn’t advance much more without having this talk with him. I hope I can now get to the same point I was more easily and quickly because my feelings are “cleanerâ€. And then it’s onward from there. But it will be a while before I get my own cheerful self back.
Sheila, I’m no one to talk, but I guess everyone else’s advice here on not contacting him again is spot on. Basically, we all know that in the long run NC is our best bet towards moving on. But it doesn’t help that it hurts so much at this point. I wish for you to be strong.
Linda, Kim and Gia, thank you for such good advice and reflections. It was not directed at me, but I benefit from it anyway. I will come back and read through the posts when I am feeling low.
Heartbroken, did you ever have a pet as a child? I did, and I was heartbroken when my dog died. It has been many many years since, but I still occasionally think about that little dog, sometimes with love, sometimes with sadness. It doesn’t stop me getting on with my life. I think it works the same way with these intense relationships. You will never be able to forget entirely — these memories are with you for the long haul… but you will learn to think of your EUM as someone that was there for a while and then wasn’t any more. And on the plus side, whatever you learn from the experience will be positive for your growth. I need to concentrate on this idea in order to move forward now.
Do you every have those days where all you want to do is cry? That’s how I feel today. I am so incredibly sad and heartbroken (again) and I have that awful anxious feeling and that painful feeling in my chest. A year ago, I started seeing a therapist when things got this bad and it helped (can’t afford one right now anymore) and I vowed I would never feel that way again. I wish I never answered his apologetic email after 2 months of NC a year ago.
Lately we have been at a standstill. I have accepted that maybe we can be friends. But everything is in his terms. Anytime he wants to do something and it’s usually during the week, I will try and go. But when I ask him to do something, he’s always got something going on or doesn’t feel good or whatever. I have told him point blank that he does not make me a priority and all he says is that he’s been trying. I read this quote somewhere the other day and it has really stuck with me, and I try to think about it whenever i start feeling sad – “Never make someone a priority when they consider you an option”. It’s so true, but why can’t follow it? The other night, I was having a really bad day and I asked if we could get a quick bite to eat so i could vent, and he didn’t respond until 2 hours later and he said he couldn’t cause he was having a fight with his gf. So, i let it go. Didn’t respond. Well the next day, as if nothing happened, he invites me to lunch during his lunch hour (the ONLY time we seem to get together) so he vent. I realize he is SO self involved. He never even asked about my bad day.
Anyways, that was the last time we talked yesterday afternoon, and it was kinda left at an awkward point. I told him I no longer want do things during the week during his lunch hours and if he wants to see me, make time for me when more effort has to be involved. I did not hear from him all night. I know he will email or text me eventually, but it will be something random to get a convo started or to ask me to lunch during his lunch hour (are they really this dense?) and I will say no. But why does this hurt so much?? I know I still have feelings and I know we probably can’t be friends, and I have tried to cut it off, but he is so freaking charming.
Maria, about 2 months ago, I had the same convo with my guy. Same stuff was said…..and I told him I needed time away from him. He said he would be miserable, but he would do as I asked….well guess what? After a week, he texts cause he is sad……and it took me awhile to see it, but it was a selfish move and so disrespectful. He knows I need to move on, but he won’t let me. So, i hope for your sake, he lives up to his words and respects your decision.
wow, busy week here.. everyone is doing good, and heartbroken, that is perfectly normal.. you don’t have a choice with your EUM..no choice at all.. you need to move on.. you have hit RB and like I have said over and over again, as have others… nothing we have done is right and has helped us.. except.. no contact… we have to do it.. if we don’t, it is now our fault we have not moved on.. I have accepted that I am to blame for some of this nonsense.. not anymore.. I blocked him and feel good.. no anxiety last night about the phone, but i still have weird dreams about him and the whole thing which i’m sure will pass.. I can guarantee he’s not dreaming about me.. LOL
stay strong.. and also… DID EVERYONE GET NML’S EMAIL? We should all do our best to help her out with her request… god knows she has helped us!!!!
Happy Friday…
Sorry, I didn’t receive any e-mail, and in fact I was not aware that there was some e-mail feature that I needed to activate or whatever. I’m pretty new here. If someone can inform, please do.
Foolishgirl, I am hoping my guy does in fact love me enough to let me go. I need that. If he doesn’t, then there’ll be all the more reason to just go on without looking back.
Sheila, didn’t get any email. Maria, you will hear from him again. Then it will be up to you to start NC. Don’t answer him. That will show his selfishness and disrespect. FoolishGirl- I know exactly how you feel because I have had such a horrible week. I think it is hormones but I have thought alot about him and I don’t know if I hate or love him. I don’t want to have contact with him (there’s still nothing to say) but it’s been my first low in 9 weeks. My girlfriend told me I need to go back to work (I’ve had alot of vaca time I neede to use). Foolishgirl, Don’t take this wrong but you’re not friends and you will never be friends. Do you treat your friends like that?? You know what he is – you say it in your blogs. Read your words- self involved and he couldn’t meet you when you needed him?? Then NEVER asked. He’s NOT your friend. Maybe you’re a friend to him but it’s a one-way street. And why do you want to torture yourself with hearing stories sbout the girlfriend?? I don’t want to know anything about my ex EUM’s girl. Like Sheila and I learned- quit making excuses and cut him out of your life. Maria, I hope this is your time now to really move forward with you and your life. Your hurt will dissapate. Stay strong.
Maria and Foolish Girl–I would not be friends with your EUM! I know it seems like it could work out, but believe me, it can be more painful in the long run than the relationship you had before. And it’s important to remember this: friendships should be a complete 50/50 give and take. Isn’t that the kind of relationship you have with your women friends? Can you honestly say that your EUM can provide that to you? True friendships are where both people equally care about each other, support each other and are always there for each other. Do you think your EUM would provide those things to you? Please don’t settle for friendship with these men because it’s a consolation prize, and a copout (in my opinion) on their part. If you have to chase after them just to see you as a friend, is that really friendship?
So i am just going through such an unfamiliar feeling. I feel insecure and anxious about not having this man in my life. Also disbelief that it is over and that i ended it. I can’t expect him to come back when i asked that he not come here anymore. It is just really weird. I guess i just need to readjust to not having him around. I do still wonder if he will stay away because i have always let him in even when i asked that he not contact me anymore. I mean this time he does not have my phone number. He only knows where I live. I don’t know. I wish I did not care. That is the hardest part. Letting go of wanting them to pursue even when you end it.
heartbroken.. i know exactly how you feel.. my div atty, who is also a friend, told me once that when you tell them to not contact you you take the chance they do the stand up thing and don’t… I have been there.. telling them not to contact you, and loving it that they still do, but the only difference is… NOTHING CHANGES… that is why you have to stick to the NC.. I told myself the next w/e would be different, but it never was after 10 times.. and it never will be.
Ya know yesterday I took some heat for contemplating blocking my EUM from my cell.. i told myself i could handle a call and ignore it if it came in, i told myself it’s empowering to ignore it, i told myself i will look desperate if i do that.. all excuses.. none of them true!!!! It is perfectly normal that you want them to pursue you, but it will not heal you b/c nothing will change.. Now I have blocked him, ok, it’s only been one day, he probaby thinks my phone is being loopy, but the anxiety is lifting not looking at the phone, wondering where he is, or stressing that he didn’t reach out to me. Now, I don’t know and if he decides to play his little game again, he can’t!!! Gia, had a very good point last night when I spoke to her… nothing changes til you take action and cut them out of your life for good. If anything were to come around, and that’s a big IF, usually by that time we have seen them for who they are, we are changed women by that time. Remember nothing has changed since all this went down… things will change now and you will finally feel better. I am by no means healed, but i know by the women on this site.
Sheila- I still have me ex EUM blocked form my email because I don’t even WANT the temptation of reading an email. I hope I would be strong enough to delete it but I’m not that sure of myself. Especially now when I’m PMS. So keep all things blocked – it’s not weak -it’s not a copout. It’s ok. It’s how we have to deal right now. And Gia is very right- nothing will change until we cut them out of our lives. You’re doing great.
Heartbroken- All you are feeling is still normal for where you are at in healing. The anxiety does goes away although I didn’t think it ever would. I thought I would have panic attacks the rest of my life since this happened. It fades. Try not to think about the big picture- try not to think that you aren’t ever going to see him again. Take one day at a time. Make small, short term goals for yourself and the bigger ones will fall into place. That’s why I said to make a deal with yourself. Go 8 weeks NC and see how you feel at the end of that time. If you still want him, contact him. You have to work on yourself during that time and I bet you don’t even want to have contact with him by then. Get thru one day at a time. Pretty soon, it will be one week, then 2 etc.
FinallyOverIt-I totally agree with you. Being friends is just too hard & they don’t deserve the satisfaction. It is def a love/hate thing. Part of me will always love the jerk EUM or not but how can you be friends with someone that never cared enough to be honest & just walk away instead of cheating?Man up! They are selfish. Friends include you in their lives, they are kind & trust worthy. From what we have all said here I don’t think any of us have gotten that from our EUMS. They just aren’t capable. Why is this so DAMN HARD? Why do we keep slipping back? I know the pain you all feel. I still feel it. It does come & go but why do I keep going back to thinking my EUM was only that way with me? Why do I think he will make it with this girl? Why do I think if I moved back he would be with me? Any advice?
Kim, I wish I had an answer as to why we keep slipping back. Even to this day, if my EUM did a complete about face and professed his undying love for me, I would be all over it! I would go to the ends of the earth for him. I am actually doing better these days because I am keeping my distance, and so is he. I really think the best thing we can all do is keep having no contact with them, and wait until time heals all of our pain. I really don’t think there is any other advice to give (although I wish there was!).
So, ladies, Day 2 since the No Contact agreement. We had been in No Contact for a bit before I met him Thursday eve, so for the moment this feels just like a repeat. I guess deep inside I still identify this NC period as one that ends with seeing him again at some point, but I have got to just keep going past that point. For the moment, it’s not bad. In a few days’ time I guess I’ll be panicking at how long it’s been (talk about withdrawal symptoms!). I hope to be able to rely on all of you then.
In the meantime, I wish for you all to be strong, look inside yourselves at the wonderful people you are, and outside at a springtime world.
Thank you for everything.
hi ladies.. well, i’m going on day 6 of NC.. i have blocked him from my cell and email since last Thursday. It was an interesting w/e.. Of course I’m wondering what the heck he is thinking about my phone, but on the other hand, the anxiety is lifting b/c i know the phone ringing or text message will never be him. Although this is weird, and i will admit, it hurts, i know it’s the only option.
I’m sick of getting hurt, sick of not moving on, and above all, I’m sick of not taking charge. God, it hurts, i still think about him so much especially since last year at this time, we were just falling in love. But.. I cannot stress over things I cannot change.. He’s an asshole and the more I go over the last year with friends, etc.. it’s a wake up call as to how fcked up the relationship was.
sheila- it should feel good that he does not have access to you. Almost freeing in a way. No more worrying or being upset if he does not call or text. And no more slipping back if you knew he did. Time to let it all go. Go through the pain and then you will be free! That is how I am feeling now. My xmm has no phone number or email access to me. Just my address. But I am pretty confident he will stay away this time which in the long run is better for me. I ended it with him and so i hope he respects my wishes. And i now have to stand behind my word. Keep it up don’t unblock him just keep him blocked and heal
no desire to unblock him, but it still hurts.. but i will say getting thru this is easier than what i went thru last w/e when I gave in, and for the 100th time.. nothing changed..
Mondays suck.. just having a moment
Good morning. Day 4 NC. And yes, this morning he texted me!! I truly, honestly can’t believe he did that after our conversation the other day! And also I am OFFICIALLY in awe of how well you girls knew what was going down! You told me he would… how on earth can these guys be so predictable??
Anyhow, I haven’t answered him or anything though the temptation is there. And about his message, if this whole mess weren’t so unpleasant and painful, I’d find it in myself to laugh right out: he says he’s finding it hard not to see me, talk to me etc, and GET THIS: how am I doing with my need for space and time… It’s like HOW STUPID CAN YOU GET?? Which part of “don’t contact me” did he not understand??… I mean truly… was I the only one with a brain there and did he lose it when I’ve gone away??
Sheila, you go, girl. You’ll get through Monday, and then Tuesday, and so on and so on… stay strong. I haven’t and won’t block his e-mail or phone… I want to be able to ignore him just like that! Heartbroken, don’t be so sure he won’t contact you! I didn’t think my EUM would, and here’s living proof. Jeez, the cheek!
maria,
isn’t it weird?! you could “time an egg by it” as they say. my EUM contacted me 8 & 10 days into NC. then nothing…i’m now 22 days NC! so be patient…the temptation may be great but with each day, you’ll feel more IN CONTROL of that gnawing feeling.
take care
xoxo
Maria – It is so typical of these guys!. “How are you doing with your need for space & time”? It is laughable! Their egos can’t take the rejection even though they don’t give sh*t of themselves to the relationship! I was crackin’ up at reading that because it so reminds my of my EUM. He actually hooked up with someone else but couldn’t STAND the thought that I might have. Such losers! Stay strong. The bad days come & go but I have had no contact for quite awhile. He actually did shoot me a text to ask if I changed my email as it came back undeliverable!
I am still kind of in shock that it is over. I know this time my xmm will stay away because this time i ended it when i was not mad and the fact that i changed my phone number (although that did not stop him from coming over the last time). I just have to get use to the feeling of it. It is strange that I will never see him again and that I will never speak to him again, but I guess that is what breaking up is. I know it is better for me. I think I am just thinking about it because he was in my dream last night.
Ladies, I have to say I relate to a lot of your comments so much. Nine months since the the disappearance of my EUM and I though I was doing ok until last week whenI was told by a friend, who works with his enstranged wife, that he always seems to have a different girl on his arm, then I went out for dinner with a friend and saw his little girl. Now I feel right back at square one. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone, but it is heartening to know that there are others who feel the same, and Kim. if your reading, the estranged wife shares your name, but the situation between them seems like it was in reverse to you and your husband, how ironic!
Ladies, I have to say I relate to a lot of your comments so much. Nine months since the the disappearance of my EUM and I though I was doing ok until last week whenI was told by a friend, who works with his enstranged wife, that he always seems to have a different girl on his arm, then I went out for dinner with a friend and saw his little girl. Now I feel right back at square one. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone, but it is heartening to know that there are others who feel the same, and Kim. if your reading, the estranged wife shares your name, but the situation between them seems like it was in reverse to you and your husband, how ironic!
Oops, seem to have posted twice, sorry!
Mel1509 – I am reading but confused??
Mel1509-after 9months, you’re back to square 1? All so strange…I would think one would be 100pct healed by then…
Ladies im still in the loop….Im still single..NC still in place..No EUM in sight! Great!
I feel back to square one as in when he dumped me he said he just wanted to be on his own, and now my friend told me that he always seems to have a different girl on, therefore I conclude it must just have been me he didn’t want. It doesn’t help to hear what he’s up to. Kim, yeah, sorry what I meant was his X, Kim left him for another man and you were talking about your husband leaving you for another woman, I don’t explain myself very well sometimes!
Day 8 NC today.. and Day6 of the blocked cell phone.. Here are my thoughts.. the anxiety is easing up, but I still feel as though I’m thinking about him alot.. I guess that’s normal since i just stopped contact with him a week ago.. Of course I’m thinking, does he care? what is he thinking? is he glad, relieved or bitter? I know I shouldn’t care..I dont want any part of him the way things were the last 3 months, his terms, his texts, his phonecalls, when HE felt like it.. I am no longer his fall back girl, and don’t have to worrya bout him hurting me since he is not in my life anymore.. but, honestly.. it’s still painful? I’m thinking the thoughts of him will diminish and the pain will get less?
To all you hardcore NC girls.. your thoughts/advice????
I am on day 16 of NC with my EUM. I seem to go in phases of telling myself I am doing the right thing, and then all of a sudden I’m questioning myself and missing him, etc. etc. I think that’s normal. I really think that time is the healer, and if we can let enough time go by they will fade away from our hearts and minds. We just have to take it one day at a time. I truly believe that the pain gets lessened as time goes by, but again the NC is really important to reach this goal. Strength and courage to all of you!
finally over it.. i go thru the same emotions.. there are times that I think I have jumped the gun, owe him an explanation, over reacted, and actually want to talk to him. It fades, but it’s still there.. We are both very fresh into this.. me 1 week and you 2 weeks.. I think all these feelings are normal.. If it makes you feel any better, I stick to one thought…everytime I have tried this it has gone down the drain in about a week to two weeks…and I always think that something will change, and it never, never does. I always think the next w/e will be different, he will be different, but it never is. That is way more depressing than this could ever be. 2 w/e ago, was the worst, i broke down, he got his fix, and he rejected me when I tried to meet up with him, all the while continued to call and text me for the next 3 days…It was then i decided to finally block him from my cell, no calls out, no calls in, and no texts either way!!!! I also blocked my email, but could not block my work email.. and guess what? NOTHING!!! Call it his ego (that seems to be a common denominator here), pride or him not caring, he has not reached out. They can all find us if they want to, remember that. I will never reach out to him, but it saddens me that he hasn’t reached out to me, just confirming that i’m doing the right thing.
stay strong …..we will be much better in the end if we stick to this NC..
Sheila, tell yourself every day: I won’t be his doormat anymore! Do you understand how much power he has over you and control?
Doesn’t this get you mad? I don’t understand why you are waiting for him to reach out to you? Reach out for what?
It will get easier with time, but you have to put the focus on you, accept what happened and make sure you will never let a man do that to you again.
You know, I chased and chases and now months later I was thinking, OMG how could I have done that to myself, cutting contact gave me instant peace and I also know he can’t suck me back in, I have learned too much and my pride won’t allow it.
it certainly does get easier with time – i’m 24 days NC and i feel much more at peace. however, i’ve been feeling depressed the last couple of days. he is constantly on my mind and yesterday, he texted me. he asked if i’m “better” yet and that he misses the hell out of me.
i bet he does. i have to say, the text made me smile. but i didn’t reply.
i’m thinking of calling him on his bday in a week. what do you all think???? i go back and forth with it still.
xoxo
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