I won’t lie to you ladies; initiating and maintaining the No Contact Rule is hard. You need to grow balls of steel to support your willpower and be prepared to suffer the short-term pain for the medium and long-term gain. The No Contact Rule (NCR) is about putting yourself first and you need to do it because you’ve allowed his needs and inability to give you what you need and want to be placed at the centre of your universe.
Do not bother with the NCR if you are hoping to get back together with him because you are clearly not ready to cut the contact and make a run for it.
So how do you ensure that you ‘break’ and move on?
Set yourself a challenge. I have practically had to sit on my hands in the past to get to the end of the first week, but once I did it, it became a challenge to get to the end of week two and so forth. I rewarded myself along the way and when I got to three months, my shoe cupboard had a new arrival.
Ashley suggests ‘I handled my NCR recently by going a minimum of 60 days of ‘no contact’ and I kept a log/journal that also incorporated some goal setting too. What that did for me was help me focus on things other than not being in contact with my ex and it also helped me express the emotions I was feeling about it. It was interesting to be able to look back and see my progress into a stronger person that felt better about myself (and indifferent about him).
Put on your favourite feel good, independent woman song, turn the music up loud, and verbally vent out your frustration. Sounds crazy but it’s great for releasing pent up emotions and you start to get a sense of humour about the whole thing. Oh and your neighbours can’t hear you talking to yourself. If you’re crazy like me, you’ll do a little dance too. ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ by Kelly Clarkson is a great one but I’ve done it to ‘Proud Mary’ by Tina Turner too!
Write ‘Don’t call {insert name} on a Post-It and stick it to your phone, mirror, and anywhere else that helps you visualise. Or write it in lipstick on your mirror. I know of people who literally littered their homes with messages and it works.
Some people need reminders of the ‘Big Whoppers’ - the horrible things that they did. Type up the short form of each offense and print it out in a decent sized font. For eg. ‘Stood me up six times’; ‘He has never delivered on any of his promises’; ‘He’s a selfish, inconsiderate, crap lover’ or for those of us with a killer vengeance ‘His d*ck wasn’t that big anyway!’ Then stick it up somewhere that you can see them. Or create a screen saver.
NY Sharon suggests ‘On a small card, write a brief snapshot list of memory triggers for you on the worse things he did or a mind imprint of something hurtful he said. These should be the ones that evoke the most terrible emotions from you. Keep this list in your purse and copies in other places for easy access.’
Clear out everything that is associated with him. It might not be much, especially if he is the atypical type of Mr Unavailable, but put away the photos, give away his stuff to charity, or just plain old put it in the bin. If you are going to return it, do it at the beginning of the NC period and ideally do it by post or just leave it on his doorstep in a box.
Take a break from dating. Dating Hiatuses enable you to reconnect with yourself but they also prevent you from kneejerking into another dubious relationship, they give you time to heal, and most importantly, when things go wrong, you don’t get nostalgic for the guy you are having NC with and end up calling him, or at worst shagging him.
Be careful with alcohol. If you’re the type that calls up your exes when you’ve had a few vinos, it’s probably best to cut back until you have gotten over the urge.
Block him on instant messenger services, block his email, and as one reader suggested, change his name on your phone to ‘Assclown’. Whatever you call him, don’t answer and as another reader suggested, ‘If he catches you on the phone or at work say you’re too busy to talk, I have nothing to say and hang up.’
Eventually you will need to bite the bullet and delete his number.
Screen calls that you don’t recognise the number of or that come up unlisted.
Do tell close friends and family that you no longer bother with him so that they won’t bring him up unnecessarily. NYSharon also suggests getting a sponsor, which can be that one person that you can rely on to sanity check things, who you can call up or meet up with when you feel weak.
Use the time to reconnect with other aspects of your life – friends, family, hobbies, work. When we are messed around by men, something always gets sidelined so use the opportunity to get things back on track.
Write a letter to him but don’t post it. Don’t type, write. This is the opportunity to write a Dear John letter explaining why you are doing the NCR and how you feel as a result of being with him. End the letter positively by saying what you can be and do for yourself now that he is out of your life. This letter is your opportunity for closure but you can also keep it as a reminder of how he has made you feel. If it helps, list everything he has done to hurt and disappoint you. Read it back to yourself a few times. When the time is right, burn the letter. This is the opportunity to cleanse yourself of negative feelings about him, or at least begin the process.
But most importantly, no matter how much he begs, no matter how much he pleads, never feed him after midnight. Just joking! But no matter what, cut the contact. The No Contact Rule is not about finding out what someone will do when they lose their narcissistic fill of attention and panic. It shouldn’t matter what he says or does because you want him out of your life, regardless. He has nothing to offer you and you have so much more to offer to yourself.
The litmus test of the No Contact Rule is that over time you realise that you feel so much better without him in your life.
Good luck ladies and believe in yourselves!
Read Part One and Part Two which also includes more suggestions and ideas from readers.
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more
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My man was a fun male in Tampa. He was a trucker (short distance). He called me every day, sometimes 3 times a day. We spoke every morning at 8 a.m. He called me, I called him. We met at a bar and and made out in the parking lot. We continued to have one hour conversations on the phone at least once a day, often more. We did this for two months. I drove to Tampa and he took me to his favorite outside bar on the water. We had a great time, drinking, talking with people, and holding hands. We made passionate love that afternoon in a rainstorm. He continued to call every day, and I called him. But he could never come see me on the weekends. He always had some excuse: his Uncle in Texas died, his mom had a heart attack, his car was in the shop, he had to make a delivery… He always had an excuse and the whole time told me that he wasn’t dating anyone else. Well, after two months of being in a dead-end relationship, I found this website. Thank God! Now I understand all of the dynamics that have been going on. I wrote him an e-mail and told him that I wasn’t going to play the game anymore. He wrote back and explained how he couldn’t see me because he had an “emergency” delivery on Saturday. I have not e-mailed him back nor will I. I will not call him (as has been my pattern). We have “broken up” 3 times already because he keeps standing me up. But I was the one who kept e-mailing him to reignite the relationship. I feel so empowered now, after reading all of this information on being a “Fallback Girl.” I have never been one before and it was new to me. But I’m a mom and have been single for so long because I’m older and more cautious. I didn’t even know that I was in a relationship with an unattainable man. He was perfect for me. We clicked emotionally, sexually, and intellectually. But he was unattainable, still is, and always will be. Thanks so much for this website because with knowledge comes power.
How can I apply da nc rule if there is a child involved. How do i cope wit a break up when there is a 4 month child involved? It makes it almost impossible to get over him!
Just at the lovely place where I own the fact that ‘yes I fell for an emotionally unavailable man’ I knew he was and told him so, I kept him at a distance and after a few months he seemed to respect me for it…I say seemed because it just made him more determined to ‘win’ me! I ket down the barriers and what happened? He made promises, borrowed money, lost his flat thru not paying rent, moved in without asking…the first time I finished with him…got another flat, lost it, then even tho i knew all his words meant nothing i STILL didnt get rid of him. At one point I ould set aside a few mins every day just to cry! So I eventually waited until he went out last week and locked all doors and threw his stuff into yard! It took a visit from the police but he is gone!! I deliberately waited until i knew he had no money for a few days and his mobile stopped working before i did it cos I knew I may crack. So a week on and i have had time and space to be myself again…i missed myself and knew he was trying to stifle all the positive vibes that initially attracted him! All inall he is a troubled man who I NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR!! For anyone in the hell i was in…stay strong and recognise your own worth, only your children deserve unconditional love from you! xx
i broke up with my narcissistic ex for the 6th(i think?) time. i always get sucked back in when i see him crying and acting a mess. this time i told him ‘do not contact me unless you agree to go to therapy with me’, knowing he’ll never go.
he emailed me telling me i’m his best friend, his favourite person, the times with me were the best times of his life and that it ‘kills’ him that i am not his friend. i called him (for the last time ever) and told him that i don’t want to be friends, that i want a real relationship and to go to a counselor together to work on our shared issues. he said he ‘didn’t do shrinks’ and that he needed time to think about it. then i pulled the plug for good! i told him it’s too painful for me to continue with this, that there will be no contact between us and that i am not interested in male friends at this point in my life.
yay for me! i feel so good.
i feel amazing!
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