I won’t lie to you ladies; initiating and maintaining the No Contact Rule is hard. You need to grow balls of steel to support your willpower and be prepared to suffer the short-term pain for the medium and long-term gain. The No Contact Rule (NCR) is about putting yourself first and you need to do it because you’ve allowed his needs and inability to give you what you need and want to be placed at the centre of your universe.
Do not bother with the NCR if you are hoping to get back together with him because you are clearly not ready to cut the contact and make a run for it.
So how do you ensure that you ‘break’ and move on?
Set yourself a challenge. I have practically had to sit on my hands in the past to get to the end of the first week, but once I did it, it became a challenge to get to the end of week two and so forth. I rewarded myself along the way and when I got to three months, my shoe cupboard had a new arrival….
Ashley suggests “I handled my NCR recently by going a minimum of 60 days of “no contact” and I kept a log/journal that also incorporated some goal setting too. What that did for me was help me focus on things other than not being in contact with my ex and it also helped me express the emotions I was feeling about it. It was interesting to be able to look back and see my progress into a stronger person that felt better about myself (and indifferent about him).”
Put on your favourite feel good, independent woman song, turn the music up loud, and verbally vent out your frustration. Sounds crazy but it’s great for releasing pent up emotions and you start to get a sense of humour about the whole thing. Oh and your neighbours can’t hear you talking to yourself. If you’re crazy like me, you’ll do a little dance too. ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ by Kelly Clarkson is a great one but I’ve done it to ‘Proud Mary’ by Tina Turner too!
Write ‘Don’t call {insert name}’ on a Post-It and stick it to your phone, mirror, and anywhere else that helps you visualise. Or write it in lipstick on your mirror. I know of people who literally littered their homes with messages and it works.
Some people need reminders of the ‘Big Whoppers’ – the horrible things that he did. Type up the short form of each offence and print it out in a decent sized font. For eg. ‘Stood me up six times’;’He has never delivered on any of his promises’;’He’s a selfish, inconsiderate, crap lover’ or for those of us with a killer vengeance ‘His d*ck wasn’t that big anyway!’ Then stick it up somewhere that you can see them. Or create a screen saver….
NY Sharon suggests “On a small card, write a brief snapshot list of memory triggers for you on the worse things he did or a mind imprint of something hurtful he said. These should be the ones that evoke the most terrible emotions from you. Keep this list in your purse and copies in other places for easy access.”
Clear out everything that is associated with him. It might not be much, especially if he is the atypical type of Mr Unavailable, but put away the photos, give away his stuff to charity, or just plain old put it in the bin. If you are going to return it, do it at the beginning of the NC period and ideally do it by post or just leave it on his doorstep in a box.
Take a break from dating. Dating Hiatuses enable you to reconnect with yourself but they also prevent you from kneejerking into another dubious relationship, they give you time to heal, and most importantly, when things go wrong, you don’t get nostalgic for the guy you are having NC with and end up calling him, or at worst shagging him.
Be careful with alcohol. If you’re the type that calls up your exes when you’ve had a few vinos, it’s probably best to cut back until you have gotten over the urge.
Block him on instant messenger services, block his email, and as one reader suggested, change his name on your phone to “Assclown”. Whatever you call him, don’t answer and as another reader suggested, “If he catches you on the phone or at work…say you’re too busy to talk, I have nothing to say and hang up.”
Eventually you will need to bite the bullet and delete his number.
Screen calls that you don’t recognise the number of or that come up unlisted.
Do tell close friends and family that you no longer bother with him so that they won’t bring him up unnecessarily. NYSharon also suggests getting a sponsor, which can be that one person that you can rely on to sanity check things, who you can call up or meet up with when you feel weak.
Use the time to reconnect with other aspects of your life – friends, family, hobbies, work. When we are messed around by men, something always gets sidelined so use the opportunity to get things back on track.
Write a letter to him…but don’t post it. Don’t type, write. This is the opportunity to write a Dear John letter explaining why you are doing the NCR and how you feel as a result of being with him. End the letter positively by saying what you can be and do for yourself now that he is out of your life. This letter is your opportunity for closure but you can also keep it as a reminder of how he has made you feel. If it helps, list everything he has done to hurt and disappoint you. Read it back to yourself a few times. When the time is right, burn the letter. This is the opportunity to cleanse yourself of negative feelings about him…or at least begin the process.
But most importantly, no matter how much he begs, no matter how much he pleads, never feed him after midnight. Just joking! But no matter what, cut the contact. The No Contact Rule is not about finding out what someone will do when they lose their narcissistic fill of attention and panic. It shouldn’t matter what he says or does because you want him out of your life, regardless. He has nothing to offer you and you have so much more to offer to yourself.
The litmus test of the No Contact Rule is that over time you realise that you feel so much better without him in your life.
Good luck ladies and believe in yourselves!
Read Part One and Part Two which also includes more suggestions and ideas from readers.
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20 responses so far ↓
1 P J // Feb 5, 2008 at 12:51 am
My ex broke up with me in early Nov. stating we fought too much and he was fed up with it and with paying more rent than me (and I should pay more because I have a daughter). I remained in our home two more weeks until I found a place to move but during that time I cried and begged for him to give us another chance. One time he agreed to then changed his mind again stating he needed space to figure things out. After I moved out I kept in touch stating all of our problems (finances, discipline of children, quality time) could be resolved. He agreed but said it was too much work.
So, I backed off. Then, his phone bill was emailed to me and I noticed a number on it that I didn’t recognize but he had been calling prior to my moving out. It was his ex-girlfriend.
He didn’t even tell me he was talking to her. He just kept telling me he was confused and needed space. When I told him I knew he was talking to his ex he got mad at me and yelled at me (his guilt coming out).
Then, he called off and on to ask me a question about our home and lease agreement and each call turned into an ego boost for him and me crying and feeling more confused.
Then, I saw him the night before new years and he looked so sad and hugged me still saying he was confused. So, I went by our house the next day and he wasn’t there — he was moving out. So, I went in to leave a note (I still had furniture there so I had a key) and I found her overnight bag.
Then, I saw her drive by our house with our dog in her car. Then, he called me yelling at me again.
Two days later I went by after our landlord called and I found my bed linens gone (after I said I wanted them back because they belonged to my mother and I couldn’t stand the thought of him sleeping with his ex or another woman on them — which he did anyways).
So, I called him to find out where they were. He told me he threw them out. Then after some questioning as to why he admitted he kept them and I could have them back if I was going to cry over some sheets and a comforter. So, I said he could keep them and I wished him well in life.
Problem is, I realize he isn’t a good guy or at least a good guy for me but I can’t get past him. I am having no contact but I don’t understand how he can have no contact. How can he just move on with her after being with me and my daughter for almost two years?
I have questioned my self-worth and my character assessment. I have been depressed and lost weight. It has been almost two months since I have moved out and I’m still crying over a guy who yelled and cussed at me and who called me names.
Why am I so sad about him being gone? I have been seeing a therapist and it is helping. I just am having trouble understanding and moving on.
I feel if he would have just ended things or told me he wanted to be back with her I would be doing better now. But, he went back with someone who he told me lies about in the past (when she called or he saw her at a friend’s house). So, I question our whole relationship now. And, his way of ending it didn’t make me feel valued at all.
I just want some peace. Please help…
2 Vonnie // Feb 5, 2008 at 3:17 am
PJ
You will get over it. I know right now it doesn’t seem as if you will, but I promise you will get over it. This is the universe’s way of telling you that he was not the right one for you. More importantly, this is the universe’s way of telling you to stop and learn the lesson. What was the lesson in all of this for you?
After two years, if he could walk away that easily, then there were signs all along. You have to remember with men, they secretely want you to have the attitude of “it’s all about me (the woman.” That way, they know that you are so completely sure of yourself, that they won’t end up being responsible for your happiness.
When a man knows that you can live life without him, he will make more of an effort to be in your l ife. When you let a man know that he is your life….they run away.
Simple. simple. simple.
Always, allow the man to like you a little bit more than you like him. Keep the power in your court and you’ll be amazed at how they keep coming back. You know why? Because self-confidence and self-esteem is shining through and they are attracted to that. Crying, begging, whining, nah….they can’t bear it and run away from it all the time!
When dating, keep the relationship “power” like it was when you first met him and he was interested and you (likely) played a little hard to get. The best way to keep a man? Keep a little distance from him, don’t become too available for him, keep a little mystery about you and don’t live with him before marriage!!
It will get better. Time heals all pains!!!
3 jennie // Feb 5, 2008 at 10:39 am
In the long run, it’s better for you to want what you don’t have rather than have what you don’t want. maybe you don’t see that now, but that’s where time fits into the equation. it takes time to fall in love with someone, so it’s unrealistic to expect yourself to get over him instantaneously after a breakup. The no contact rule gives us that chance. It was painful at first for me to implement it, but in retrospect it not only saved me from wasting any further time with an EUM but it also allowed me see my relationship for what it was, rather than what i wanted and hoped for it to be.
4 Hot Alpha Female // Feb 5, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Hi Girl,
These are some really great tips for getting over a breakup. I really believe that you are half way to moving on after a breakup after you apply the no contact rule.
You can finally regain that sense of control and realize that you are the only one in control of your emotions. No - one else.
Like you said you have to be strong, but maybe you had to go through this breakup because you needed to learn to become stronger. Maybe you had to learn to build your self esteem so that you can attract a better quality of man into your life in the future.
Its these glimpses of hope that allow you to move on, without the resentment and the hurt. They allow you to realize that everything happens for a reason, that life gives you certain experiences not to be cruel, but to make you stronger as a person. To make you into a person, worthy and absolutely deserving of real and true love.
All the people that have entered and gone from your life, have all been practice for that one guy .. that is just right for you.
So continue to be strong and expect and wonderful future.
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
5 P J // Feb 5, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Thank you all for your comments and advice. I appreciate it more than you know. I enjoy reading this Web site and the comments — it has helped me to not feel alone.
I have been thinking about what I originally wrote and my ending statement weighs on my mind. “The way he ended things …”
I keep thinking of how many ups and downs we had throughout our relationship but when he chose to end things he was so cruel to me.
Lies, yelling, cussing, name calling … That’s what hurts the most. At the time when he could have been more courteous he chose to be cruel. I don’t understand that.
That is what has left me feeling so small.
I’m trying to grasp that the way he treated me has little to do with me and mostly just shows his communication skills and how they are not the same as mine.
Anymore comments and advice are welcome.
6 Astelle // Feb 6, 2008 at 1:01 am
I feel much better since I cut the contact. Yes, I will admit that I catch myself wondering “does he even notice?”
Now that I understand a lot more about EUM and the way he treated me and I also learned that I let him get away with everything, I would be to embarrassed to ever make contact with him, I wouldn’t know if I should cry or laugh? I chased this “prince” for a long time!!! Ladies, does anybody else feels embarrassed?
7 Freja // Feb 6, 2008 at 4:23 am
Astelle, I feel much better as well and I catch myself wondering “does he even CARE?” But then I remember all of the blow-offs, lies, games, inconsistencies, etc. and I think I would be so disappointed with myself for contacting him at all! I would be embarrassed, and I would be essentially rolling myself out as a doormat for him again. I would feel even worse if he turned ~me~ down!! Nope. Not signing up for any of that. Life is so much better and I feel so much better about myself without his self-serving crap and drama.
8 jennie // Feb 8, 2008 at 8:42 am
cutting contact day 12
since cutting contact with EUM I have:
Sent his personal belongings back so i can no longer fantasize about how any minute now he might be back for his things.
Ive erased him from my address book, answering machine, e-mail contacts and inbox.
I’ve deleted all pictures of him.
I’ve re-gifted everything that ever came from him.
I’ve stashed everything in my house that directly reminds me of him out of sight until i’m not lovesick anymore.
I’ve moved the furniture around some so it no longer looks like “our house”.
i’ve made it clear to my well-meaning family and friends that i no longer want to talk about him. whether it be for or against him, I don’t even want to hear his name.
I’ve moved to on the couch until i get used to the idea of it being ‘my bed’ rather than ‘our bed
The first week was really all about removing remnants of him from my house entirely and it made me feel stronger to do that.
This week i’m starting to feel a deep personal loss and the reality of living alone has descended upon me. The fear of my biological clock stopping before i find mr. right. The fear of never finding mr. right. The fear of starting over alone, again, from square f-ing one!
cutting contact really is hard work!
I’m at a loss for words of wisdom so I’m going to borrow a slogan from A.A. , “one day at a time.”
I can’t change the past or forecast the future but i can resolve that FOR TODAY i choose to be strong rather than weak and hopefully i can resolve to do the same tomorrow.
and since it’s 1:30 a.m. i guess that means I just survived another day.
baby steps.
9 NML // Feb 8, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Hi Jennie
I really admire you and I love that you are continuing to be real with yourself even in the face of it feeling awful. You really just have to get past the short term phase. It is supposed to hurt and if it didn’t, you’d probably be wondering why it didn’t or at the very least, you’d have to question how much you really feel for him.
I remember when I left my ex fiance. It was only when I woke up in my aunts place in a strange bed with a few snatched belongings that terror filled me and I felt at a loss about all of the white space left to fill. Going back to our place was hard and seeing the impact of me no longer being there but his subsequent actions only sufficed to prove to me that I was right to go, and this only made me stronger over time. But it was horrible. But within a few weeks, life became incredibly normal and most importantly, it became mine.
Keep me posted on how you’re doing and well done on your baby steps.
I will be sure to put up my story of no contact
NML
xxx
10 Lara // Feb 9, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I found out that my boyfriend of 4 months has been cheating on me. I admit that I checked his text messages (I’ ve never done this with previous partners) after some suspicious behaviour.
He isn’t just two-timing but three-timing, and that’s just from texts. Who knows how much he has been playing the field? This despite some stern warning from my male best friend.
I’m planning to break up with him and my male best friend has asked me to cut all contact and pull a disappearing act. What are your opinions?
I don’t want to hurt him but I do want to make him feel his loss. I’m pretty, intelligent, a professional and have a fabulous figure. What a jerk not to appreciate all that.
11 jennie // Feb 9, 2008 at 10:02 pm
you can’t make him feel anything. cutting contact is about saving yourself from the assclown who is unworthy of your company.
12 Lara // Feb 10, 2008 at 2:46 am
Hey Jennie,
What you say is true. He’s abroad this weekend so we aren’t in contact anyway. So next week is going to be the real test. Gonna try cutting contact, finger’s crossed I’ll make it.
Been reading your post and must say that I admire how you’ve done it. Good for you.
13 Carrie // Feb 12, 2008 at 4:25 am
Hi everyone,
I was dating a guy, let’s call him “K,” for five months.
He’s the typical Alpha-male, an egomaniac, doesn’t like to show his emotions, but when he does, he REALLY does. That was why I became involved with him. We’ve been butting heads since Day 1, but for some crazy reason, neither of us could let the other go. Every time I told him that he hurt my feelings and that I felt we were hopeless, that I was ready to walk away, he would text me and apologize or ask why I go “psycho” on him and that he really cares for me. His immature excuse was “I don’t do the whole emotional stuff but I do like you.”
Here’s the catch: He loved my physical appearance, I know that for a fact, and my friends believed it was more of a sexual relationship between us, but the funny thing is, we hardly had sex. Heck, sometimes when I wanted it, he told me no. It comes down to the question: He wanted to string me along for five whole months, so if not for sex, why?
Unfortunately I made that mistake of telling myself that things will eventually get better, that he would change, but who was I kidding? Even after we had our “talks,” he would fall back into the same routine of several texts a week, a call once a week. But on his days off, we would occasionally go out; movies, dinner, etc. He’d hold my hand, kiss me, introduce me to his friends, spilled his feelings and felt embarrassed after. And he did stop by and see me at school every Monday and Wednesday, so I felt as if we were OK.
However, things started going downhill. He started texting and calling even less. Last week my friends called me and said they saw him (in his parents’ car, maybe to hide from me?) on campus at the college I attend. He goes there too, but it was not the day he had class, and he was NOT there for me. I texted and asked why he was on campus, only to get “why?” as a reply. I had a feeling he was fooling around so I confronted him and got no reply. The thing was, we agreed not to see other people. So I finally told him, “All right, you wanna fool around? So can I.”
And I’m done. Deleted and blocked his phone number, tried to avoid running into him.
But I’ve been in a slump for the past couple of days and no matter how much I try to occupy myself, I feel horrible. It makes me wonder what’s wrong with me. I was NOT clingy, didn’t call him 24-7, didn’t stalk or follow him, didn’t fool around, and he every time he saw me he would say I’m “so sexy”, so why would he want to fool around? And what exactly did he want from me?
That’s the only thing I want to know, and I think I’ll be able to let it go. Help.
14 Elsie // Feb 14, 2008 at 9:14 am
Carrie: These men–call them EUMs, narcissists, or plain ol’ jerks–don’t think like we think. The things we’d look for in a partner aren’t what drive them.
This man didn’t fool around with other girls because you didn’t measure up. In fact, this wasn’t about sex for him. Sure, sex was a nice perk, but notice that he actually denied you sex on more than one occasion. Sex itself wasn’t really his objective.
Guys like this are game players. They get off on the thrill of jerking women around; that’s better than sex to them. They need as much ego food as possible, and they get it by having multiple women dangling after them…and never quite satisfying any of them. That’s why guys of this variety often have some sort of sexual issue as soon as the newness of the relationship wears off. They’re freaked out by the emotional intimacy of sex and, at the same time, they get a high from the power trip of denying a beautiful woman sex. (How sick is that?)
So now you know. There was nothing wrong with you. There was, however, something very wrong with him. Consider yourself lucky that you got out as early as you did and had the strength to initiate NC. I was in a relationship like this that dragged on for years and wasted the majority of my twenties.
15 Brad K. // Feb 19, 2008 at 6:23 pm
P J
You asked how he could move on.
He made a choice. He has his doubts about whether it was the right choice, but he chose to move on with his life. The fact that he is back to his ex has nothing to do with you, with your home, or your sheets. He wasn’t happy, and chose to make a change.
Your despair is because stuff happened to you. You had no choice in the split. And you still need to choose to live alone, to recover for you and the children. And you might consider what adult role models you want around your children. Someone disciplined, trusted, and respected, someone honorable and compassionate that you nurture, respect and trust - that is a goal for your future, one that will teach your kids healthy communications and values.
Lara,
He cheated. That is, he lied to you on a significant matter, he deceived you. And he is continuing to expose you, second hand, to unknown sex partners with unknown sexual health. Don’t let the details obscure the facts - he chose someone else. Nothing else matters, he made his choice. You need to honor that, and choose to live your life without him. From this moment, he is not just another person, not one that is welcome in your home.
Carrie, two works come to mind. “Trophy Wife”. He was using you, and your appearance, for social climbing, to boost his social rank. By keeping an attractive lady in his company, he seems more ‘manly’ to those he wants to impress (those he cares about). Think of the arrangement as more business than family oriented. Perhaps he wants to be a sugar daddy, and finds you frustrating for not playing the ‘dumb blonde’ role more quietly.
And congratulations on choosing to be a person, instead of a ’sexy’ object. I would say you just misunderstood his intentions - you thought he offered intimacy, when all he was interested in was appearances.
16 Sheila // Mar 17, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Going on Day 5 of no contact and boy is this difficult.. He did call me at the end of day 3 and left a “funny” message, but I did not respond to it.. I have resorted to keeping my phone in the other room, turning it off at night about 8:30, and sometimes running errands and not taking it at all.. This needs to be done, but dont’ let anyone tell you it’s easy.. If I’m not home with that stupid cell phone right there, I’m at work where emailing him is a breath away.. Nothing will change, he is expecting me to probably cave, or maybe not.. bottom line, who the hell cares… We have been broken up for a little over a month and the NC rule has not applied.. I even met him for coffee a week ago.. BAD IDEA.. just brought back bad memories and we ended up in bed. GREAT MOVE HUH… 2 more days and I’ll make a week.. it has to get easier.. I cannot and will not break!!! He doesn’t give a sht why should I… Wish me luck.. I’ll post back…
17 Rachel // Apr 7, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Wow! What helpful insight from everyone. I broke things off with my EUM after he stood me up (for the third time) in early March because he was hurting over an ex. I should have known it was too soon for either of us to get involved with one another (both exited long term relationships in January). But it was such a good thing for a couple of months, I didn’t stop to consider how unrealistic any thoughts of a future were. Now I’m in NC mode and receiving texts and e-mails from him. I have to stick to my guns, though. NC means NC, even though it feeds my ego to know he’s reaching out to me.
I want to feel past this, to use the things I learned in a short time with the EUM to be more successful in future relationships. So I work out, work hard, take care of my responsibilities and am there for all my friends and family. I embrace my full life and move forward knowing I’M making the choice to move past it.
So, onward and upward. I am the change I’ve been waiting for.
Cheers to the rest of you.
18 ly // Apr 20, 2008 at 3:22 am
first, i’d like to give you all props for not calling - cutting off contact is so friggin’ hard and i admire you all for loving yourselves a little bit more each day.
i’ve been “dating” my EUM for almost a year now and it’s evident that i need to cut things off ASAP, for my own sanity.
my question is — how do i do this? i mean, practically speaking? we made plans to hang out today but he decided tomorrow would be better because he really needs to clean his house (??) and he’s off to play world of warcraft sooner rather than later (*don’t* get me started on that…)
i have tried several times to cut contact and i’ve caved in each and every time. do i answer the phone tomorrow and tell him i can’t be friends until i’m over him? or do i simply not answer his phone calls?
please advise…and continue on your paths of excellence!
19 jennie // May 13, 2008 at 7:29 pm
good things REALLY DO come into your life if you stick with the no contact rule!!!!
i broke it off with my EUM multiple times before i finally got it right.
for me, no contact had to include blocking his phone calls and e-mail because even if i felt empowered not to call him all it would take was for him to contact me and the loneliness of single life had me running back into his unavailible arms!
so this time around i not only cut contact with him, i also blocked him from contacting me. which made me stronger in my resolve to move on.
the hard part is the first four weeks. now it seems like there’s so many opportunities unfolding in my life that i didn’t have before. for the first time in years i have options!
i was too busy with EUM and his issues- i couldn’t see anything else. but now i have social commitments, people calling, old friends to catch up with and a vast amount of dating possibilities that were not apparent to me before. all you have to do is to be willing to cut contact and life will work itself out.
nobody said it would be easy, but i PROMISE it will be worth it!
20 blue violets // May 14, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Sometimes you have to clean the crap out of your life to make room for better stuff… and that can be old shoes or old EUMs…
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