When you’re The Other Woman, it will often feel like incredible highs and lows, and at some point, you should and probably will become sick of being in the situation and want to end it with the guy. Like any break up though, breaking up is hard to do unless something so awful happens that it galvanises you. There are a hell of a lot of women in this situation that are readers of this site, and the most common issue is how the hell can they move on? Here I hope that I can help to put any woman who is in this situation on the road to healthier happiness. But first, think about this point first?
Is this a half hearted cry for attention from him which you hope will force his hand into making the decision to be with you? If so, be careful as this is probably still unlikely to happen and if it means you end up staying with him, you’re wasting your own time. Otherise….
1. Be firm and strong.
Be resolute about your decision and immovable. If you really do want to break up with him and you are sick of the situation, he shouldn’t be able to wheedle his way around you. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to get around you. This time he can’t.
2. Make it about YOU, not HIM.
If you put the focus of the break up on him, he can make excuses that he means at the time but probably don’t hold up after the event and he’ll make promises that he means at the time but is also unlikely to keep. Yes, you are breaking up because he can’t give you what you need, want and deserve, however, you’re also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this.
3. Remind yourself that he is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions.
Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy ‘relationship’ that you’re in now.
4. Think of the woman he’s with, the woman that you view as the person who is robbing you of the opportunity to be with your guy as a human being with feelings and strengths and weaknesses just like you. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. Whatever story he has told you about why he’s with both of you, the cold hard truth is that he CHOOSES to be with HER.
5. Is this how you saw a healthy, happy relationship? Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12 months or even in years?
6. Remember that occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years won’t have to be spent waiting for his call or snatching a moment together.
7. Go cold turkey.
If you can afford it, go away for a few days or a week to somewhere nice or go and stay with friends and family. Turn off your phone and let the important people know where you are so that you don’t worry. There should be absolutely no contact.
8. Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you have.
When I speak to women in involved with attached men, whether they realise it or not, they are almost always in a tight routine. After all, keeping things in a tight routine is how he stops himself from getting caught out and fits you into his schedule. You must break the routine. Put it on voicemail or turn off your voicemail but don’t pick up calls. Be out when he calls. Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be out. Be busy. If you think you’ll be tempted to be swayed, change your mobile phone or block his email address.
9. Tell somebody that you trust.
You’d be surprised at how many women act in secrecy which actually further plays into the man’s hands as you are totally at the mercy of whatever he is telling you. A confidante gives you a sanity check but also gives you a rock of support. Choose someone you trust and who can be supportive but tell you that it’s time to quit.
10. Steer clear of dating till you are ready to date. This also protects you from knee jerking into another situation that you may not recognise as being unsuitable due to craving some sort of emotional replacement – there is no progress in ditching a married man for an emotionally unavailable man. There is also no point in dating if it’s a way of passing time in the hope of filling in the gap until the married guy potentially becomes available. The only time you should date is when you are truly ready to move on and the married guy doesn’t figure any longer.
11. Remember that you need time to grieve and heal. There is no quick fix and you don’t feel better immediately. In fact, you’re likely to feel like sh*t in the short-term. You must give it time though. Weather the storm, cold turkey it out and let out the tears and frustration but don’t give in. Your ‘relationship’ is over.
12. See a counsellor or therapist. If you have been in relationships that have a habit of wearing down your self esteem, if you want to understand your relationship patterns, if you feel you need a little extra help or if you feel very low, this is the ideal way of helping you to heal, understand and move on.
13. Address other areas of your life that have suffered whilst you were with the attached guy. No matter what you think, something or someone, or both suffered whilst you focused your energies on your situation. If you let work slide or put off career decisions, prioritise it. If you have neglected friends or family, build bridges. If you have neglected yourself, spend time on you. You have to put the focus back to you if you are truly intent on succeeding. It’s because it’s been all about him why you lasted so long with him in the first place.
14. Yes I’m sure there were happy times, but you need to remember how you REALLY felt when you were with him. Look back at your diary, think back to specifics and there are probably a lot of times when you were lonely, disappointed, insecure, sidelined, teary, clingy, frustrated, angry, too dependent, listless and much more. Put both feet in reality and get real about who you have really been. If you were that happy, you wouldn’t be reading this and you wouldn’t be breaking up. You wouldn’t even want more.
15. Read the stories of women who have played your role of The Other Woman and realise that your situation is not unique, most of the stories of why these men cheat are the same, most of the time it ends in tears, and you, The Other Woman will always play second fiddle as long as you put yourself in this role.
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LS:
I got up and sent him an e-mail… that is what I did last time I had a nightmare. It makes me feel at least a little better, talking to him that way. I hate that he is beginning to be the first one that pops into my mind when I want comfort. I think it’s because he is so much older and I see him as a protective fatherly figure. And since I never really had a dad… *sigh* And the thing is, he is never indifferent or cold to me. He has always acted crazy for me and protective of me. He is always trying to be with me whenever he can. We both have our emotional breakdowns but I can see he genuinely worries and upsets him when I am hurting… ugh ugh ugh ugh curse this stupid situation!!!
Do you think it’s a good or bad thing, him telling me he loves me already?
SeeTheLight:
How long have you 2 been together? How many years difference is their between you two?
My MM and I there is 15 years and we said I love you after only about a month together. But I knew I did love him and I know that he loves me. It sounds like your MM is alot like mine. Crazy about you, never mean or cold and tries to be with you whenever he possibly can. I think our situations are even more similar than some of the other ladies. That is what makes ours even harder! The fact that they are NOT mean to us and mine tells me every day how perfect he thinks I am and how much he loves me. Is yours like that too? I really don’t know if it is ever “too soon” to tell someone you love them. I think when you know, you know. And I think when it is right and you feel it in your soul, you need to tell that other person. Someone in my family told me once when I was young and it stuck with me, “when you love someone, you need to tell them you do, every day, 20 times a day. Because we are not guaranteed tomorrow and would you want to leave this world and have someone close to you wondering if you loved them?” My answer is no. I feel the same way. If you love someone, you need to tell them as much as you can and not only that but SHOW THEM. Even if it is a MM and it has not been very long. I feel that if you feel in your heart and in your soul that you love someone and they make you happy, how can it be wrong???
LS:
We have been together 2 months now. He is 18 years older than me.
Yah he drives me bananas sometimes, it is only to be expected that we think differently, sometimes his ‘fatherliness’ can get on my nerves too the way mom my used to when I was younger… And unfortunately we’ve been taking turns flipping out on each other because we’re both emotionally on edge due to all of this…
But he is totally crazy for me. He always has been. Even though I thought it was kind of freaky at first — I can’t deny that. He just shows up at my work for lunch sometimes, even if he is nowehere nearby. Any excuse he can find to be with me, he does. We e-mail each other all day. If anything I actually “worry” that he has begun neglecting his family. I absolutely do NOT feel that I come last to him.
That is also what scares me though… what will happen when, despite this, he makes no move to be with me? To be honest, I sincerely don’t believe that he would string this along for years. I think he hates this situation as much as I do. I don’t think he would say he is going to leave the wife, if he wasn’t going to. Right now I can’t fathom that he would ever say that to me… But then, just two months ago, I didn’t fathom he’d ever tell me he loved me either. I guess time will tell.
You know LS I really enjoy reading your postings here… your feisty attitude really brings my spirits up
my ex mm asked me today why some men leave and some can’t. I said it was a lack of imagination and a desire to live dead. Any insight I can pass on to this coward would be great, oh by the way this was while he was looking at me all sad and depressed with that pleading look in his face. As he walked away I said Have a greeet evening!
krsna: Good for you! You have the clarity to see your MM for who is is right now…a coward. He looked at you all sad and depressed hoping you’d be his mommy and rescue him from a situation he doesn’t have the balls to face on his own. That’s not a man…that’s a boy, and very candidly, who wants to be with a boy? These MM need to grow up, learn to face the reality of their marriages and address it head on…and stop making their problem OUR problem. I made a pact with myself early on in my “relationship” with my MM (which btw has been over for 4 months now) that I would not participate in the pain and anguish he was dealing with regarding his marriage, as long as he was married. I would only promise to be there for him “on the other side” when he was legally separated and moved out on his own for a minimum of 3 months. He had to do it on his own…period. Perhaps taking that stance cost us the relationship, but I knew it was the only way I could live with myself if we did make it.
Hi,
LS.
My MM and I were together for 2 yrs. At the point with the house we had been together for 11 months. I can back up the story from him doing the house thing. It gets even worse. Whelp I do agree with you LS about having seen divorced papers. I should of asked for them many of times. Well here is what happened just before the house. At my job I never spoke about my MM. Never ever did I talk about him. Everyone thought I was single. I had just decided to try to end it with my MM. Now our relationship was always so fun, romantic, and he was very adoring. We loved each other very much. We spent a lot of time together. Always out and about on dates, walking through parks, Music Halls etc. Any ways, I was hurting pretty bad. Not understanding why he still stayed married I had to end my heartache. Well, during our time apart he could not let me go. Not even try to. One day at work my co-worker was acting kind of odd around me. Wanting to know when I was going back to my office and where I was going. The reason was because he had called her for help. She helped him get to my office after a meeting I hear a knock on my office door and she said that someone was here for me. IT was him. He got down on his knee and proposed to me in front of my co workers. I freaked a bit because they have no clue I was seeing anyone. Then that following day he said he wanted to show me something and that’s when he took me to the house. All this is very painful. He was very clever. The only thing that has kept me from not losing it right now is that I do believe he was in love with me. His wife always told me he did and his dad. So Yes he is an ass Like that Neruda said he had to make a choice. And it wasn’t me. But what a son of a $!&@#
faithhopelove
thank you! he will be the first person to say he has no balls!that he has a yellow streak on his back! Why does he think this is appealing? I think its a great excuse for him to stay with her. i can’t i don’ have the balls. fu! I have done the hard work and I dont have to, I wish I had done what you did. I gave a dead date. Knew that it could not happen. Did not bring it up on the day of, next morining said what did you do last night. “nothing” and I said Im done. Did not speak to him for 2 weeks (sad puppy dog eyes everyday) Im frustrated angry and terribly hurt as I know we all are or will be. sorroy if my notes sound angry i dont want to be and i hope to be supportive and positive.
As I have read I am going to think out loud from my intellectual side and not my emotion as I normally do.
I haven’t spoken to mm since Friday even though he has called several times, I didn’t answer because I am tired.
One why should I stay in hopes of him leaving. I would only be second on the list meaning the fall guy. It doesn’t matter about all the proclaimed love and blah, blah, blah. We love many people throughout our lifetime but just because we have loved them doesn’t mean we are or should be together.
It doesn’t matter about the situation. Funny how we think that we know all about what’s going on in our mm’s life but we are probably just as off base or clueless just like the wives are. We DON’t have a camera and a recorder so we don’t know what they do at night or what they say. Also, just because the wife confirms a bad time or two you don’t know what goes on in the house. You only know what you are told ?
We are pets. Some of the mm go to extremes to keep their pets because they don’t want to find new ones or don’t think they will find one who will work as well as you are with the situation. We wait around for a rub or a bone or a cuddle.
Why? I don’t want to be treated that way. I want to be the most important person in a relationship. Even though we condition ourselves to say that sharing is ok,,,for now,,,no woman wants to share her man. If the mm left today and married the OW in their lives none of those women would approve of sharing him,,,with anyone.
Maybe some wives know about us OW and stay. Then we go why are they staying. Well in actuality we know why they are staying. We want them to leave for our benefit but we know why. If you were married to your mm you would fight to the end to keep him. Some just do it out of territorial rights, others don’t want him to go no matter how long they have had ups and downs. Either way their marital problems are for him and her to sort out. We can’t do it for them, even though some try. Some OW say well he went through so much trouble to get me back or he talks about the future.
Well of course, they want to keep you but the only sign that matters is him being with you only!! Period. Sure they may love us,,of course you spend time,,have sex,,,communicate and proclaim love. However, it is not the ultimate love.
Though we are not dogs as stated above, this example really applies. Imagine a pet dog that has been with it’s owners for years. Sometimes the dog gets yelled at and other times loved on. Either way its the family pet. In the backyard a stray started to come around from time to time so you started to leave food for it. You got attached but your spouse won’t allow a stray or another pet. So she encourages you to stop feeding it. So you sneak around feeding it and petting it from time to time. Then the stray comes even more. However, reality is the stray is not the main family pet. We are the one’s who have strayed, even though we may have been encouraged, or we knew all along ,,or we were lied to. Either way we are still the stray.
We put our lives on hold even if it’s a boring life and wait like puppies. They have already attempted life,,happy or not,,and we haven’t even begun no matter our age.
Will he leave,,maybe today,,tomorrow,,,next year. Who cares anymore. He isn’t going anywhere. How many married men leave their wives of more than 2yrs for another woman? Trust me the numbers are not that great in our favor. That’s why there are so many OW. If he does leave for the OW how many of those relationships really work out? Yea, it does happen but not often. The numbers are not in our favor.
Just think the wife gets all of his ways,,good and bad and she has to live with that daily. We only get the good and a small portion of what we call the bad days,,but imagine all of his bad characteristics full blown everyday. Then we may say oh,,,no wonder his wife was the way she was. Remember we only get a taste. It doesn’t matter if we spend a weekend or vacation we still don’t get the whole package. If they were free we would see some things we didn’t even know existed.
I deserve a man who doesn’t have to decide because he already knows I am the one. It may be lonely for a while, it may hurt but surely this isn’t what God intended, for me to be second best and second choice. Nahhhh, I know I can do better. Maybe I won’t meet Mr.Right overnight but i will eventually,,instead of Mr. Right now.
I decided that I love me and all the emotions and crap that go with the MM situation are just that emotions but life is real. We get over men,,no matter how we talk about living without them,,blah blah, blah. We do get over them. Think of all the ex-s that you loved and couldn’t live without and now,,,what you are over them. Ok,,,that was the common sense of my brain finally coming to surface. WHEW!!!! I said a lot.
unique,
You said it very well!! I wonder how many of these MM will do it again. And if so, why don’t they see it? I think so many of them stay because like you said, we can’t even fully imagine what they are like 24/7 and their wives know. They have known them for so many years and to some extent put up with them. But also, the men, as much as we may hate to admit it, may show them love too.
Unique: all I can say is you are spot on!
robin: you are right…if the MM doesn’t figure out his marriage and either leave or make it better, then he’ll just end up having another affair with someone else, eventually.
Unique, I love your analogy about the stray! It is dead on!
I have a question for you ladies: what behavior do you believe constitutes making the MM the “center of your universe”?
One thing I have prided myself on in all of this is that I personally don’t think I have made MM the center of my universe: for example, I am not sitting around making NO plans, hoping to god we can see each other — or dropping plans just to see him at the last minute, sitting around waiting for him to call, etc.
But, we all know how these behaviors can sneak up on us little by little and before you know it, we are helpless… And one thing’s for sure, I don’t ever want to start doing anything that remotely resembles making him the center of my world!
So ladies, what do you think? What are some behaviors that indicate you have it bad? What are some actions that should be avoided at all costs? Suggestions to beat them?
The more I think of my situation, I know he NEVER intended on leaving, he just didn’t want to give me up. It is such a selfish act because we are lured into a false belief.
I know we are smart, capable women here. I just wish we didn’t fall into these hopeless traps.
See the light,
It does sneak up on you. When my MM contacted me again this year, I was very wary and cautious, at first. I think in hindsight that just geared him up more.
Little by little you get drawn in to what I’m not sure. The attention, the feelings and I think ultimately the hope that this time it will work out.
Then it seems when they know you’re back in it all the way, they start pulling back just a little. I would be told that he’ll call at such and such time and then it wouldn’t happen. Or he would say he would e-mail at such and such time and it would happen hours later.
Basically, it goes to their schedule and I found I was becoming more and more agitated, with him but unfortunately I would take it out on other people. And the excuses. Ladies, could we not all write a book on their lame excuses. I mean some are good but geez, are they true? My girlfriend once laughed and said “why do his kids always get sick or hurt when he’s supposed to be meeting up with you?” I can’t tell you how many coincidences like these that happened over the years. I don’t think in my gut I really believed them but I just couldn’t let him go.
This time though I just couldn’t let myself feel that stupid so I ended up just calling him on all the excuses and all of you know what happened next. He said that he needed to end it.
We really aren’t second in their lives, ya know. We are 4th or 5th or 6th or worse. I always put him first because I wanted the relationship to work. That is really the key. In any healthy relationship where 2 people want an exculsive relationship, they put each other first.
I just want you all to know that his site has helped me tremendously. I still have some hard moments but overall seeing where we have all been and hearing all of our stories makes it real for me that this would never have worked out in the long run.
SeeTheLight:
18 years huh? That is quite a difference but not a big deal. The big deal here is the situation. My MM is always saying stuff about our age difference and I am like “dude, that is the last of our worries!” They should be more focused on the fact that they still have a fucking WIFE!!!! Sorry for the off color words, but I gotta get it out. I don’t have anyone else to vent to about this except you and the other OW’s. 2 months is still a very new relationship and he sounds almost obsessive for you. Does it seem that way to you? It is great that he goes through such lengths to see you, talk to you, etc… But I understand what you mean he does all those things, and yet he is still married and he is not making the move to be with you. I am sure that he is still a little unsure himself though considering it has only been 2 months. But look at it this way, if he is this crazy about you only after 2 months imagine how much he will be into you as time goes on and he gets to know you more and hopefully appreciates you even more. My MM and I have a much different relationship. We see eachother at lunch time and then after work too but then that is it. Sometimes we see eachother on the weekend when he is free from family obligations, usually a few weekends a month (if I am lucky) and it is not like you and your MM where he will just show up and what not. I wish my MM made more of an effort in that aspect. There are times when I know he has had free time and he has chosen to do other things with that free time and it really hurts me because if he loves me so much you would think that he WOULD make any effort to spend any free time with me. But then again I have to remember that these are selfish men we are dealing with. They are not your normal run of the mill boyfriends. They have major baggage! SeeTheLight, when you look into your future, do you honestly see yourself with him and being happy??? That is what you have to ask yourself. I know you believe what he tells you and I believe what my MM tells me too. I see myself with him and having a happy life. That is why it hurts so much, because I know I could give him such a much better life than the one he is living now and he knows I could too. SO WHY DO THEY STAY and not get a divorce??????? I enjoy talking with you too, I think our situations are so similar (as are all of ours) but I feel more so for you and me because of the age differences and us being much younger women.
Stay strong girl and remember YOU alone are in control of your own destiny and happiness!!!!!!
TinaS:
WOW! He actually proposed to you at work? Oh my god! I am like you though, where no one in my life knows about him, NO ONE. I know everyone would be upset with me and just tell me everything I already know. Stuff I don’t want to hear. But then I think about in the future when/if he leaves his wife and we can be together, what am I supposed to tell people then. Won’t they wonder why my new boyfriend and I are already living together and are already madly in love?? I think about that all the time too. But in your case I can not believe his wife knew and so did his dad!! And the fact that your MM wife told you that she knows he loved you! What kind of fucked up woman is that to stay with him?? If you were married and you knew your husband was in love with another woman, would you not kick him to the curb? I would. Why would you want to be with someone who loved someone else very much?? This is the way I see it, they DESERVE eachother and he does not deserve you! I am so proud of you for being strong enough to get out of that situation, he sounds very manipulative and played some terrible games with you, proposing, asking you to move in and all the while still being married. God what an ass! I hope you will be able to meet someone who will love you and appreciate you and all that you are and will show you how great and uncomplicated love can be. I am still with my MM and I have no idea where our relationship is going. I can not predict the future so I have to take it day by day with him, if it works out then great if not then fuck him, I will not wait forever and allow myself to be played. Do you ever talk to your MM anymore??
Robin:
It’s things like that, that I am waiting for to happen. Unfortunately (sort of) our relationship is still very new and he hasn’t begun the excuses or cancellations yet… I am still sort of just observing him… more below in my post to LS…
They stay because they are committed to and love their wives, no matter what they tell you. You think that they don’t have any care or concern for their wives at all. Please. Yes they do. It doesn’t mean they are happy or even have a decent relationsip. However, committment will outweigh some new and exciting love affair. They don’t want a divorce, too much moving and alimony and kids etc. they want to deal with the crap at home but have something to look forward to on the outside. A distraction if you will, be it a 2 mth distraction , a work distraction or a 5yr distraction that’s what we are. What they are not getting at home they get from us.
PLUS , IF I AM A MAN,,WHY WOULD I LEAVE MY WIFE FOR ANOTHER WOMAN WHEN I REALLY DON’T HAVE TO,,I CAN STAY MARRIED AND WITH MY WIFE AND KIDS (NO MATTER IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS GOOD OR BAD)AND STILL HAVE MY OW ON THE SIDE WHERE I GET ALL THE LOVE AND EMOTION FROM. I MEAN REALLY WHAT IS HIS INCENTIVE TO LEAVE HIS WIFE,,,BECAUSE IT SUCKS,,,BECAUSE,,OHHH WE ARE BETTER,,,,,,,,,not. ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS KEEP BOTH BECAUSE WE AS OW WILL SETTLE FOR THAT. SO OTHER THAN WE WANT THEM TO THERE IS NO INCENTIVE.
I know it sounds harsh but it’s the truth. I just sat down and asked myself alot of questions and the truth hurts but nonetheless it’s still the truth,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I am not saying they don’t’ love us or that we don’t love them. I am just saying what is a fact.
If you moved to another country today what do you think would happen. He would be sad for a while and then,,,,,,,,just like women do ,,,,move on. No one questions if your mm loves you or not of course they all love their pets(that’s the OW) very genuinely I am sure. However, apparently not enough to leave their current life to start anew with another woman.
PS: Just because you see him on a regular basis doesn’t mean anymore than not seeing him on a regular basis. You just see him more often because there is more freedom. That’s it. If our mm died today you would have to morn and go on with your life and maybe you could visit the gravesite when no one was there. That’s it. (sounds rough, all that I am saying but it’s true) Whether you are young, middle-aged, or older, if you are the OW.
Think about it, you could actually pass away and your title would simply be as it relates to mm, not his beloved wife but “His Beloved Other Woman, or Mistress” That’s it. WOW!! I know I am talking more to myself to help keep my eyes wide open but it’s true.
Love isn’t just regular visits or weekend getaways, or gifts or phone calls, it is a commitment. It’s waking up everyday with your mate and going to bed with them everynight for better or for worse. Oops, they already do that but we don’t. That blows.
Problem is we want the commitment (FULL) but they only give us part of one. So when the commitment is stronger for the wife than it is for you how does it make you feel?
Like Crap,,,we all want our MM to up and leave. I have just decided that if he does, he will have to check and see if I am still available and if the love was oh so wonderful as we say, and we were meant to be and we are soulmates and blah , blah, blah, then it will happen,,,but if it doesn’t oh well I will not have lost anything because I moved on with my life. I read my own previous posts and thought to myself,,please,,,it was MM this and MM that and MM now and MM called and MM made me mad,,,,whew,,,I was sick with myself because I thought wow,,,what about MMMMMEEEEEEEEEE.
Tough love it is but I am going to spin out of this rut, as I am already doing and for once I am not feeling all sad about it.
I love you ladies,,special thanks to Joanne, betterdaysahead, TexMex and miracle is coming. You will never know what your posts and your words of encouragement have meant to me. Even though we all have ups and downs and we go back and forth with our mm I appreciate all that you have had to say.
LS:
Yes, “obsessive” is a pretty good description. If he was single, I think I’d be kind of weirded out, at least at first. He says to me that for us to be able to see as best as possible what could be of us, he wants our relationship to be as much as possible just like a regular relationship. And by gum, that’s what he’s set out to do. Hence why he wants to see me whenever possible. The weekend being relegated to “family” time lasted all but one week… by the second weekend we were together he had found ways to go out with me on weekends as well. When I had planned to go out this past Saturday (and kinda made it sound like I’d go without him if need be — hence the huge fight), I was like, I figured you needed the weekends as your own time to be in your own life, with your family, and he was like, not anymore, or not right now, something like that. I was like ooooooookaaaayyyy… And the thing is, my very first impression of him, before we even hooked up, was that he didn’t seem to be with his family that terribly much. I know the wife is a teacher so she’s prob at the school at 8, and then he works til 8 most nights (some of which I go to visit him at work). So ON TOP OF THAT, he tries to find ways to be with me more. That one weekend he said hs wife and kid went out of town for the day or something, and he didn’t go, and spent the whole day with me instead! I was in shock…
He is VERY protective (much like a parent) so he goes with me places whenever possible. And probably also so I won’t go with my ex who is a great friend of mine. We e-mail all day, sometimes talk on the phone for hours… he says he talks to me and sometimes sees me more than the wife, and from what you can see that I’ve written above, I believe him…
About being happy in the future with him — I don’t know. And I’m glad. It makes things a lot easier, realizing that I’m not sure I even want him. He’s so much older, he’s difficult, I think he’s been cheated on so there’s all that emotional baggage, plus he is waaaay claingier than what I am used to… At times like this my ex is a breath of fresh air, we always have fun and being silly and cracking up at everything… we’re much more similar… the problem is he doesn’t make my heart seize up the way MM does… *sigh* But I guess I will say — as I always do — time will tell!
SeeTheLight: So you do go out with other people and friends still? That’s good. That is SO important. Does he get all jealous and weird and ask 5 million questions when you do? My MM always says I am going to cheat on him and run off with some guy and blah blah blah. And I always tell him, “I AM NOT like that, when I tell someone I love them, I mean it” He says he believes me but he has SERIOUS trust issues. He was cheated on and hurt by a woman he loved very much before he got married so I am sure that is it. You see, our situations ARE a lot a like. Not only are they married and much older, they both have trust issues due to being cheated on themselves. The important thing is to NOT STOP going out with your friends and living your life. I know my MM hates it when I tell him I am going out with the girls to clubs, but so what. I always tell him, “well then why don’t YOU take me out then???” Yeah fucking right! The town we live in it is impossible for us to go out anywhere and not run into someone so we are forced to stay inside making me feel sometimes even more like a tramp, the dirty little secret, which I hate. So in your case, even before you, he was not much of a family man huh? Atleast you don’t need to feel guilty about that then, it is obviously not your fault he is not with them since he was like that before. Which may not be a good sign though, if you guys were ever together and maybe had a family one day, would you worry that he would do the same to you? I don’t think mine would. But I worry enough about other things in our situation. The holidays and stuff. We were together last year for all the major holidays and it sucked bad. Not being able to be with the one you love or even be able to call him Christmas morning to say Merry Christmas. How shitty is that?! Anyway that is good that you have your ex since it sounds like you guys have a fun time together and that is the exact reason I do so much with my girls, it gets us away from only thinking about our MM and stressing. We need to get out and laugh and have fun too and live life and not focus on just waiting for them all the time. How did you guys meet??? Who initiated the relationship first? I am just curious how it started for you guys.
Unique:
Wow, I thought I was telling it how it was and being the somewhat strong one, but you take the cake girl! Your words are not harsh and you should not feel bad for all that you said. It IS the truth and that is what makes it so fucking difficult. I think about that all the time, what is he gets sick, what if something happens to him? I can’t go be by his side or go see him in the hospital, I won’t even get a call from anyone telling me he is sick or hurt! How fucked up is that??? All I could do is sit back and worry myself to death. And if something happened to me, he would just go on and then someone in my family would find my diaries and wonder who the hell this guy was that I loved so much but that caused me so much pain. I don’t want my family to have to read that stuff but keeping a diary for me saves me in so many ways as does this site. It helps me get out my feelings frustrations, thoughts, whatever, I need them both. And I feel the same way with us OW giving them our full commitment and full love and we only get the left overs. A stolen hour, phone call or email here and there and they get to lay back and reap all the benefits of having a beautiful young OW, AND a wife at home to take care of their shit. Why would they leave??? It hurts to think about that because I love him so much……Tell me this, how long were you togther and how long has it been since you have split??
LS:
MM is my agent. We actually met through myspace, lol!!! I bet he never knew what he was in for when he wrote me that fated message! Anyway, when I finally met him in person, he was much older than I expected, but I still found myself oddly attracted to him — as I was kinda horrified with myself, because I never before thought I’d be attracted to an “old guy”. I didn’t even want to refer to it as being attracted lol! I just called it “intrigue”. But before I knew it, over the next month and a half, I was thinking about him more and more, even daring to fantasize a little… I saw he had a ring but I wasn’t entirely sure he was married… I mean the wife was never with him at these parties, and I know I sure as hell would be if I was the wife! Plus he would occasionally say something flirty to me. So one day I had off from work, I schemed a way to need to go see him, so he invited me to lunch, and I wound up spending the entire day with him (and plenty of other people) at the office, just hanging around while he went about his usual day. He progressively got more touchy-feely as the hours went by, and it was after everyone left for the day that he made the move to kiss me; the rest is history! By midday when I found out he had a kid, I already presumed he was married. When he kissed me though I asked him in a mock reprimanding tone and he said yes. Ah, those bright first few days, back when I thought all this would be a silly little fling…
Personally I am surprised he takes me out so publicly, and is even affectionate in public. I live in a big city, but he lives in apart of the city that’s kind of its own little world, yet we hang around there freely anyway… maybe the wife doesn’t get out much or doesn’t have a big social circle, or maybe he just doesn’t care. I don’t know. Plus, pretty much all his friends know we are together. We’ve been out to dinner together with them and he keeps his hand in my lap, or on my back. I guess that is what leads me to have such a hard time with this — he isn’t doing some of the stereotypical affair things, like keeping me a huge secret from everyone, never taking me out, putting me last, etc. If anything it has been the complete opposite.
I have thought about what you said about his not being around his family very much as being a bad sign… tbh if I really am the first time he has been unfaithful, and I think it’s probably just because he was bored to tears after being with the same person for almost 15 years, and he’s not particularly enjoying this tumultuous time, then I personally don’t think he’d do it again… he’d be dead before he got bored of me anyway (you can imagine he just loves it when I joke about him dying soon, heheh!) But I presume he wouldn’t be around us as a family much more than he is with his family now, if he’s just not like that. Or who knows, maybe he would. Who knows what having a brand new wife and baby(s) would do to him. I REALLY want children and ironically I thought that would rule him out of my life because I figured he wouldn’t want to have babies in his 50′s… but I asked him once and to my surprise he said he would.
Personally I don’t have a huge social circle either… I always used to hang out with me ex cos he is like my best friend. Which I still do, I did last night and MM called me and he knew I was at ex’s house. He doesn’t ask a million questions or harass me about it but I am sure it bothers him. Luckily I also have a huge close knit family. When I’m done with school (just a few more months) I am going to take up ballet again, which I am very excited about! I never go out that much anyway because I’m so busy, and the funny thing is now MM takes up a lot of my spare time too — but, I still spend the same usual amount with the other people in my life. I think you are really hosed when the MM knows all you have is HIM in your life… that is probably the ultimate definition of having him be the center of your universe…
So how did you meet your MM?
SeeTheLight:
What a story! I can not believe he takes you out so publicly and is even affectionate. I must say I am jealous! I wish my MM and I could do that. I think that is what makes my situation so hard on me is the fact that we can’t do those things like you and your MM do. Have you ever asked him if he has cheated before? I think that is important to know. If you are the only one or are you the latest in a long line of OW. That would say alot about him as a person and if he truly does love you. I met my MM at work (of course) and thought he was a hot older guy from the day I started but I was married (unhappily) at the time and I knew he was too and did not think much of it. We always talked and flirted and I never thought anything of it until my marriage ended (and let me clarify, I did not end it) and we started to talk on the phone after work and it just progressed from there to one day we met up just to talk (seriously, I was not thinking of it going anywhere other than I liked him but he was married and off limits) so we met up and talked for hours, about life, our marriages, his child, work and then we ended up kissing. And this sounds so corny but there were some serious fireworks for me when we kissed and I know there were for him too. That is how it all started and I guess you could say I kinda initiated the relationship, cause I would go out of my way to flirt with him and I knew he was married and I probably should have backed off but he told me so much about his wife and how their marriage has been bad since the beginning so I did not feel bad. I felt bad for him that he has had to live without love and affection and with a woman who is such a bitch for so many years. And also let me clarify, the only reason he is staying is for his child, his child is very young. And to me that says alot about what kind of man he is, the fact that he won’t just up and leave his child for me. I mean don’t get me wrong I want to be with him, but I understand why he stays. Him and his wife don’t even sleep in the same room!!!! So I believe him when he tells me it is only about the kid. ANYWAY, that is how it started and it progressed very fast from there. We spent as much time together as possible and said “I love you’s” after only about a month and a half. But I knew I was in love with him before he even said it to me. I have never felt this strongly or intensely for another person in my life. And don’t even get me started on the sex aspect of it. That is absolutely amazing. Every time it surprises me.
Do you guys have a good relationship in that sense too???
That is good that you are busy and going to school, it is SO important for the MM to know that they are not THE most important thing in our lives even though they are right at the top, but if they know that, the more advantage they will take of us and our feelings and we CAN NOT have that. I am from a close knit family myself that is why it is so hard for me to be in this situation because I have to lie to all of them.
Does your mom and dad know? What do they think of him? I know my mom and dad would not care so much about the age difference at all, they would just be upset with me that I got involved with a MM. Does your MM stay the night with you??
LS: I hate the lying to family part. Me and MM have been together for 2 years, I lied for at least 1.5 years out of that but now they know. My dad thinks I have left him and will HIT THE ROOF AND BREAK THINGS if he finds out we are back on. He hit the roof when he first found out and demanded that I leave the MM, which I did for about 2 months. My parents are divorced and I live with my mom (for now), I was gonna get my own place but I think that then it will really be all about MM, plus I am moving away to go to grad school in October…
See the Light:
My story is very similar to yours, in regards to the type of relationship me and my MM have.
He is 46 and I’m 22, so about 24 yrs difference. When I first met him I was “oddly” attracted to him, I knew he was married, I thought it would be a silly fling.
I want children desperately and he wants me to have (more) of his children. He already has 5!
Anyway, he takes me out ALL the time, and is affectionate with me everywhere. I am also assuming the wife doesn’t get out much, because everyone knows.
I am the one that is often ashamed, bashful, doesn’t want to go some places in public with him. I was a lot like that at first, now the web is such that I’ll go anywhere with him now.
Those days when I thought it would be a fling were great.
I try not to worry too much now, we go out for breakfast, for dinner, for lunch, to the movies, to the country, to the beach, to the … everywhere.
My family is really pissed but are keeping quiet (for now)
My MM spends odd nights with me, but its not a regular pattern or anything. If I ask he will, but then I think its evil to ask that, bcause what if I were the wife? I mean, I guess its the same thing as loving him and being loved by him but I try to toe the line somewhat…
MiracleIsComing:
That is a big age difference. And you guys get along well as far as every day conversation and interests? Me and my MM have SO much in common (surprisingly) and share so many interests and wants in life, that is what makes him so great except for the one thing…….HIS WIFE! I always tell him I can not understand how he could have loved someone and married someone like her ever. She seems like such a bitch and so wrong for him and then there is him and I and we seem made for eachother. I guess I have to remember I am only getting his side, and not hers. I am not saying he is perfect, hello, but from what little I do get, I don’t see how someone could not want to be a good wife to him? Do you know much about your MM’s wife? How long have they been married? Do you know much about their situation??
MiracleIsComing:
The other thing I worry about is when my family finally does meet him, what if they don’t like him? I mean I am sure they would cause he has a GREAT personality and is funny, but I still worry…..
Also you said that he wants you to have kids with him. Would he let you get pregnant now if you wanted to? I am sure you are smart enought to NOT do that but I am just curious. Me and my MM talk about that all the time, he says if for some reason I did get pregnant he would do the right thing and leave his wife and move in with me, but I wouldn’t want him to finally leave just because of that you know? I am sure there are some OW out there who would do it just to trap their MM but I would never in a million years. Why would I make a difficult situation even harder by forcing him into something? I am young and have many years ahead of me to have kids but I worry about HIM getting too old and that when he finally leaves his wife and can be with me, will he be too old and decide he doesn’t want anymore? I used to think I NEVER wanted kids, that is until I met him. Now I want to badly. But I want to do it the right way. SeeTheLight, what do you think on the subject?
I would even be happy just being together forever, I don’t need to get married, a piece of paper doesn’t mean shit. I mean look at our MM, obviously it doesn’t gaurantee a man is going to stay with you and stay true. I know if my MM and I were together he would never cheat. I know for a fact. Do you ladies worry that he will do that to you ever?? I am probably just rambling but you ladies are all that I have to talk and vent to about this, so I have to get it out!!
Unique!
Whoa, that is so dead on. That is pretty much the thinking I have had with leaving him. The last time he ran back after she found out. Her and I talked everyday for about a week. She kept telling me that she was going through with the divorce. As of now. I think they are still together not sure because of no contact. She text me a week or so ago asking if I heard anything from him but I did not respond. Any ways, what has helped me not want to call or give a rats ass is exactly what you had wrote. We do not have the Marriage with him. We have no shared responsibilities such as bills, the kids etc. So after talking with her, I had another picture of him. And of her. I got to know her side too. He shared everything about him and me with her. That hurt because that is something he never did with me. I only heard that the marriage was not going well. Like you said, who is to know if I am the only other woman in their lives? If he could cheat on his WIFE of 17 years and have no respect for the pain he is causing what truly made me think that he would not do that to me. And pretty much going home to wife every night well honestly he was cheating on me already. If he is lying to me now and manipulating me now why did I ever even think he was going to be the best husband ever with me. Obviously he is horrible in communicating his feelings in their marriage. If something was so horrible why not bring it out. All in all if he could treat me the way he has been ( his wife too) he probably would of carried that through out if we ever got married. I looked at him from a new perspective. Her side. I knew how I felt, and thought I knew how he felt. She never would get mad at me. She always seemed to kind of understand. To hear what a crappy husband he was sure helped me run the other way.
Hey Lady’s, it has only been a 24 hrs since I last looked in. All you guys are just rapping away. I have to go back and re read everything. So many interesting view points. We are all at different levels with our MM. It is so interesting how helpful that is. Not being able to ever talk about this relationship and the pain I had to hold in has been so hard. I appreciate all of you for sharing your stories and your view points. I have benefited greatly.
LS:
I wish my MM and the wife slept in separate beds…unfortunately mine is a case of this affair taking him by surprise. I wish he could stay the night with me, but despite that he does stay out quite late with me on weekends… that night we got in a mega argument we were out til almost 6am. He says this is the first time he has ever had an affair in his marriage; I believe him too… I think if he’d done it before he wouldn’t be so emotionally out of control like he is. And yes, we have an incredibly passionate sex life… he says nothing has ever come close to it, and I don’t doubt it, hehe! And that’s really the main question, per him: can he really be happy in a marriage in which the passion is no longer there?
Miracle:
My mom doesn’t know… well I’m pretty sure she knows I am involved with him, but I’m certain she doesn’t know he’s married! I think she’d flip out. I remember one time eons ago my cousin’s boyfriend sent me flowers and when I wanted to go out with him my mom got mad… so… I don’t think she’d be to happy about this situation…
LS I know what you mean about not wanting MM to be with you just cos you got pregnant. I would never want to have that situation where a pregnancy acts as a catalyst to get married. That is precisely what happened with my MM and his one kid. I almost feel like it’s a jinx on the relationship. I want to get married with someone because they want to get married and enjoy that to the fullest, and then intentionally, voluntarily get pregnant… isn’t that far more romantic?
Tina,
I feel you. I just don’t want to lie to myself anymore,,,by saying oh only if he were with me then he’d be faithful or say how crappy the wife is. Mainly because, really we aren’t there. No pancake is so flat that it doesn’t have two sides. Meaning they tell us their sides. Either way aren’t there to know exactly what gets said and so on and so on. Plus we don’t get the 24-7 like the wife does. After so many years they know the good and the BAD. I just KNOW that I deserve the best and even though nothing is gauranteed with a marriage certificate it does tell the world he has committed to you for better or for worse and you get rights,,,,i.e., you can attend the funeral,,:) I just don’t want to settle anymore. It’s like working at McDonalds for a year or however long and then one day realizing, the pay isn’t that great, and neither are the customers,,,it’s ok and you love your job but something in you starts to stir and you decide that you want something better. We make all kinds of excuses for our MM but the truth is what it is. Some women like playing 2nd or 3rd or 4th fiddle and don’t mind. Some women play 2nd or 3rd fiddle for a while but eventually realize they want to be first string and try their best to achieve that. Other women quit the team that they are 2nd or 3rd string on and go find a team where they can start out as first string from the start. I’m that last OW who goes to find a team that I can start as first string.
Tina it doesn’t matter if we are 22, 35, 40 we all have the rest of our lives ahead of us. Shoot my mom had my brother and sister when she was 40. They are both in college and going on with life. Life doesn’t quit at a certain age,,,people quit life. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Don’t you want a guy who will make you the center of his world? A man that comes home to YOU every night and when he says he loves you you don’t have to think that yea he loves me and another woman. No matter how mad they are Tina with the wife, they have history with them and somewhere in their hearts they love them. Don’t you want to be able to go by his place and surprise him or make plans for the futue? A man that you can hold and know that you don’t have to think twice about any drama. Just you and him. No dirty secrets or wondering what family or other people may say.
Short story,,I have 14 aunts and uncles. 7 boys and 7 girls. My grandparents fought like cats and dogs the first 20 yrs of their lives, bad problems, real bad, always on the brink of divorce every other year. He changed and maybe she did to. Either way all the chaos stopped. They got into church. He went from Marine to preacher to bishop. Has been for 23 years now. MY Grandparents have now been married for 53 YRS and they are happy. She is 82. I say that to say that marriage is work, committment and love. To me they are a great reflection. So problems don’t ALWAYS mean divorce. So we as the OW want to capitalize during the rough times but reality is you can only capitalize when the divorce papers are signed. Really you can’t even gaurantee that after the divorce he will run to the alter with us either. Nothing is gauranteed.
Anyway one of my uncles was married to my aunt and he drove trucks and was always cheating. Everyone in the family knew it because he would bring his OW to family members house and stuff. Now we all hated it but,,,,,,we just treated her like one of the family and was nice to the OW just like we would anyone else. Sometimes people would say discouraging things about his wife to make the OW feel comfortable I guess. However, when my uncle would finally leave ,,,we all would sit around and shake our head wondering how he could bring some other woman around everybody knowing he was still married to our aunt. They still lived together. So it made everything awkward because then when we saw our aunt we just felt pity but couldn’t say anything about what our uncle was doing. It was crazy. The OW of course thought we were all so nice and we were but reality is we thought she was just as crazy as him for even coming to meet us.
Also, my uncle quit messing around after 3yrs with one OW and 5 with the last OW. Now he and my aunt are doing fine and they redid their vows 6yrs ago and had another baby. I always felt sorry for those OW he brought around because they didn’t know our Uncle like we did.
Just another perspective.
I don’t need that kind of drama. Just need my OWN man so I can have my own set of issues,,,lol,,,:) and soon that will be the case but no longer will I be in this kind of situation. It feels good to just have your own. You know your own house, your own car, your own money, and not having to share.
Tina,
trust me I know where you are coming from but know this,,,,,,,you deserve better.
unique, unique, unique,
wow. you are dead right.
there really comes a time when something real starts to stir and you just really say, enough is enough, i want my own.
wow, that was powerful. i am encouraged by your progress. i am right behind you, maybe not right right behind you but getting there…
LS & SeeTheLight – I know nothing of him and his wife. He hasn’t told me that he is going to leave her. They still have sex. And he has not indicated that they have any problems at all. She doesn’t go out much at all, although one time she almost ran into me and MM at the supermarket.
I saw her car and I said to him, isn’t that your wife’s car? So then we left. I was so humiliated, we had a big fight, and broke up for a while.
When we used to argue, and I used to try to leave him he would make hints or allusions to the fact that I don’t know what life holds ahead and maybe one day we will be married or be togethr or something, but nothing more than that. I knew that was a pile of shit anyway. I am firmly convnced that my MM and his wife will be together forever, until they are like Unique’s grandparents. It hurts, but its true. I don’t have any fantasies that he will leave her, or that she is a horrible person or wife, I am sure she is wonderful, she cooks and takes care of him in general even though they have maids etc.
He says he loves me, and I know that he does love me in his own way. He says that he can’t do without me, but I know I have to move on. And I will.
He and his wife have been together since he was about 25/26 so about 21 years now or 22. When they met they were both poor and both from the same community. I mean, she has stuck by him through all the affairs (he has kids outside of his marriage), and has been there as he has built his life up to where it is now, at this point he is a very successful businessman.
Look, I am not having kids with him, he really wants to, – I thought about it in my crazy stage, but, I squarely do not want that.
Its bad enough that I love him. It will be even harder to move on if we have a child together.
***
I know I deserve more than where I am right now. But where I am right now does not determine where I will be when I kick the habit. I am not going to spend my time worrying about when it will happen.
I just know like I know like I know that my miracle is coming
SeeTheLight:
I don’t think I could be with my MM intimately if I knew him and his wife were still intimate and sleeping together. That would be too much for me and I told him that. Just the thought of that makes me sick and I told him if they ever start to then I don’t know what I will do but I will not do that. GROSS! Not only that but it would feel like he is almost cheating on me. How fucked up is that? And we are the same as you and your MM he tells me our relationship is the best he has ever had and he knows I am one in a million but even though he says that, I am still the one going to bed alone at night. (he does too but still…) He has never stayed the night with me and I am not sure if it will ever happen due to his situation and I would love it too but I just don’t see how. I am glad to hear that your MM has not done this before (an affair) if you believe him that is all that matters you know? We already tear ourselves up with all the other worries and stresses of being the OW, atleast we have some sanctity of knowing what they tell us is true. I always tell my MM too, “I am not your wife, you have no reason to lie to me EVER, so don’t do it. If you want to go out with the guys instead of spend time with me, so be it, don’t lie about it.” You know what I mean?? It is already hard enough! And a few weeks ago we had a few rough days where he had to break off numerous dates with me and it seemed like for that week all he was doing was saying “I’m sorry” day after day and I told him ” You know what, I don’t want you to be fucking sorry, there is nothing worse than someone that is always having to apologize to you, if you are sorry, then DON’T DO IT.” Does it seem like your MM is always apologizing for something too?? I told him I was tired of him being sorry and that eventually the words would lose their meaning. I think they already are cause now when he tells me he’s sorry I just kinda roll my eyes and am like whatever dude!
Miracle and SeeTheLight:
How long do you think we can stay in these relationships? I know some OW on this blog have done it for 5+ years, I don’t know if I could do that! When is enough finally enough? Will I come to a point one day where I just say “fuck it! Either leave your wife or don’t” ? I don’t want to get to that point because I wouldn’t want our relationship to be predicated on an ultimatum you know? What do you ladies think? I am young and I know you ladies are too and I wonder how many years of our lives will we waste (and is it wasting??) waiting and hoping for the best and then having him decide he will never leave??
I don’t know. Today is one of those days where I am really confused about the future…………
Unique, you are so right on and tell it exactly how it is. It is hard to admit, but it is completely true.
I do not think that we have all wasted time by being with our mm. We fell in love and experienced something that is pure and rare. Regardless of how it works out, none of us should regret that. I would rather feel the ups and downs, than nothing at all. Life is all about feelings and experiences.
However, I am not putting my life on hold for him and not being crazy and thinking that he will ever leave his wife. She was there for him from the very beginning and I am certain that she helped him get to where he is at right now. They have a history together and I can’t compete with that. And I would not want to. And sorry to say this LS, but your mm is most likely still having sex with his wife. Maybe he is telling you that he is not because you told him it was “GROSS”. Lol!
0n my 5th day of the break-up and strangely enough i’m feeling good. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’ve got loads more energy but i’m worried why i’m feeling so good, i’m just waiting on the tears but their not here yet. It’s weird.
He hasn’t contacted me in two days, part of me is relieved but the other part thinks i couldn’t have been that important to him. I was seeing him for a year, he told me he’s never loved anyone as much as he loves me. Well this just proves he’s full of shit. I really don’t want to hear his sorry’s, he loves me blah blah blah. We’ve ended it loads of times but this feels different somehow. Thanks for letting me vent.
TAKE CARE
Laura,,
I have to agree with what you said reference LS’s MM,,,sorry to say but,,he is probably just not telling her that he is having sex. Even if not all the time,,from time to time but he’s not going to report that to her,,,lol especially since she finds it GROSS,,,:) Plus just because you sleep in separate rooms doesn’t mean that there aren’t times where they have sex.
Anyway ladies,
Let me tell you I am feeling great. I am glad that I am finally moving on and I am so happy. Yea, a year with MM taught me a lot of do’s and do not’s . I have never quite felt so relieved. I wish him the best in his marriage and life but as for me,,,,wwwwwhhhhooopppeeeeee,,,,MAN I FEEL GREAT!!!! I give all credit to this site. Just reading and getting tired,,,realizing I dont need or want someone else’s man anymore,,,no matter how much I love him,,,,I want my own,,,,,I will always care about MM but I have to move on,,,,no need in wasting anymore time worrying about stuff that really isn’t important in the long run. Who cares when he’s having sex or when he might (more likely not) leave the wife,,etc. I probably could have been engaged twice in the year I have spent messing around with MM,,,LOL,,LOL,,,LOL,,,,,, Here’s a song I love,,,,you should listen to the words sometimes:
STAY
Sugarland
Enjoy The Ride
i been sittin’ here staring
at the clock on the wall
and i been layin here praying
praying she won’t call
it’s just another call from home
and you’ll get it and be gone
and i’ll be crying
and i’ll be beggin you baby
beg you not to leave
but i’ll be left here waiting
with my heart on my sleeve
oh for the next time we’ll be here
seems like a million years
and i think i’m dying
what do i have to do to make you see
she can’t love you like me
why dont you stay
im down on my knees
im so tired of being lonely
don’t i give you what you need
when she calls you will go
there is one thing you should know
we dont have to live this way
baby why dont you stay
you keep telling me baby
there will come a time
when you will leave her arms
and forever be in mine
but i don’t think that’s the truth
and i don’t like being used
and i’m tired of waiting
it’s too much pain to have to bare
to love a man you have to share
why dont you stay
im down on my knees
im so tired of being lonely
don’t i give you what you need
when she calls you will go
there is one thing you should know
we dont have to live this way
baby why dont you stay
i can’t take it any longer
but my will is getting stronger
and i think i know just what i have to do
i can’t waste another minute
after all that i’ve put in it
i’ve given you my best
why does she get the best of you
so the next time you find
you wanna leave her bed for mine
why dont you stay
im up off my knees
im so tired of being lonely
you cant give me what i need
when she begs you not to go
there is one thing you should know
i dont have to live this way
baby why dont you stay
yeah yeah oh oh oh oha oh
In the last verse she is telling him that next time he wants to leave his bed for hers why doesn’t he just stay(stay home) because she’s up off her knees and strong now,,,,,Oh YEA,,,That’s ME right now,,,,,Next time he thinks of leaving his bed to come to mine,,,LOL,,,he should just stay (at home),,,LOL,,,I love this song.
Also,,I love the chorus to this song also by Sugarland:
I ain’t settlin’ just gettin’ by
I’ve had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shootin’ too low so raise the bar high.
“Just enough” ain’t enough this time
I ain’t settlin’ for anything less than everything.
Love You ladiesssssssssssss,,,,,,Thanks to your posts,,,,,especially the ones that were just talking about getting out of this mess,,,,I made it out,,,and the funny thing is I am so happy about it,,,,totally different from any other time I had tried.
On my way to good old Carolina today,,,North Carolina that is to visit with my family,,,,Have A great Weekend ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)
Unique and Laura:
I KNOW he is not sleeping with his wife because even before we got together and were just co workers he would tell the guys at work how awful his home life is and always has been and how they always slept in separate beds and were never affectionate except for maybe once a month and it was him begging for it and nothing special. She doesn’t even kiss or hug him. I guess she has a lot of past issues from when she was younger so she really does not like it. Anyway that is how I know. Unique, that was a great song that you posted though! Although I am not at the same stage you guys are at with my MM, I am more just kinda taking it day by day and dealing with it for now. I am glad to hear that you are happy and moving on, it sounds like you are truly happy and that is great! I am happy too, but there are days when I want to tell him to fuck off and I am tired of his shit, so don’t get me wrong. I am not naive about the whole deal, I know our odds are not the greatest but at the same time I also can not predict the future and what it may have in store for us. I am not ready to walk away from him yet. I am sure you ladies who have already done so think I am stupid but you have been there so you know how I feel as well. Laura and Unique: how long were your relationships with your MM??
Wow, I can finally post again! For some reason all of yesterday this stone age computer here at work would not load the site properly and I wasn’t getting this box at the bottom… Grrrr…
Anyway…
Miracle & LS…
On one occasion MM stated that since he met me he’s only slept with her like twice… he could be just saying that for my sake, but regardless, consider this: have you ever had sex with someone while you were absolutely head over heels crazy for someone else? Well I have, and it isn’t exactly the most pleasant experience you could ever have… the passionate fire like what you have with your new lover cannot be duplicated… it can even feel rather icky… throw in some backbreaking guilt and that just sounds like some great sex doesn’t it!
LS — MM isn’t always apologizing but I am getting kind of agro with him constantly being like this tortured soul…he is going utterly crazy that he can’t be with me all the time… I mean I feel the same way too but I just go about my business, you know? I try to be happy and enjoy the day. And then when I get impatient he tries to be all like I got mad because he says he misses me. *sigh* Yah he can be just a little manipulative.
Anyway I calculate that my patience will run out by November/December. I mentioned before that is my favorite time of year, full of such nice memories, and I will want to be close to someone… me spending loads of time with ex because MM is still “stuck” + favorite time of year + MM putting loads of stress and making me unhappy = bye bye MM! But I figure, that gives him a decent amount of time… he’s moving pretty quickly so far, so I know that anything much longer than that is him just stalling for time… we’ll see I guess. To be fair, I think he is heavily burdened by how his kid would take all of this…
hi ladies,
arent kids and finace just an excuse? lots of couples split up and their kids are fine. finace is always a problem, unless your independenly wealthy, and im guessing alot of us are not in that boat. im thinking our mm’s use kids as an excuse. just a thought
Yes they use kids as buying time. Its sounds very logical and makes tons of sense. It makes perfect sense to think its not the truth. How could we see that as an argument with him. Being honest, looking back my MM used that several times with me as a reason why he went back to wife. He was close with his kids, coached their sports took them to church and stuff. If you look at all the reasons why they are staying with wife like the kids, finances etc.They should of thought about all of that before they slept with us. It takes a lot of work in a marriage. Sex dwindles at times, both get busy with work, both have to take kids to sports, dance or music lessons and all. Both have to manage a house, clean the house, do the laundry and take care of the yard work. Both have family socials they have to attend, nieces and nephew birthdays, holidays. Both may have a social circle of friends together that they made through out their marriage. Maybe they go out with a certain set of friends every month or week. Maybe, everyone knows them and their kids at church. What I had to see when MM and I stopped all contact was this. He has been married for years. Many years. Why would a man who worked so hard building a life and future for his wife and kids for years and years just up and leave it all to start all over again with another woman? No man after working so hard and come so far with his wife and kids would give it all away just because sex was bad. Dear God. If he left her just because the sex wasn’t good. I would get rid of him in a heart beat. Who would want a man as shallow as that! And yes they are still having sex folks. If they marry us they would have to lose all family friends, social circles, half their money and the disrespect of their kids and family. If they attended a church for years with the kids now they have to give that up. What about the respect of co workers? Truly if we marry them he would have the same exact typical problems with us 5 or 10 years down the road that he is having with his wife. And if that happens there is no way for sure that you can say he would not run out and trade you in for another newer model. You will become broke in, used up, tired, cranky, just like his wife. For the girls dating a MM and not have held down a honest real relationship like a marriage with someone more then 8 yrs or so. There is no way you could understand the bonds, troubles and work it takes to make a real relationship work. Its hard to see but If he has you waiting, giving reasons to wait. Those are his clues to you. If he says wait tell the kids are a certain age or wait tell I can find a way to tell the kids. He probably will not leave then because he dosent want to hurt his kids. If it was months and months for me to decide if I had to chose my kids over a man.. you bet your ass I would of already picked my kids if there was any doubt. If its taking him months, year or how ever long to chose. COME ON and wake up! And why would you want him to make that choice if its already that hard on him to decide for all this time? If his marriage is soooooo bad. Seriously. Why? Why is he still married?? And if he has you and “loves” you. Why isn’t he with you? If he is so in love why isn’t he paying your bills, making sure you have a house with a beautiful yard, getting you a mini van, paying your car insurance, holding your hand at his sons soccer game? Taking you to his church? Introducing you to his sister or having dinner with his mom? work on the yard together. Sit down at a the table for dinner as a family. Take you on a cruise. These are things he enjoys doing with his wife. And is doing with his wife. Yes even if you deny it because you believe what he tells you. Yes.. he is a man.. He is sleeping with his wife.
you have just described my ex mm perfectly. glad i am not with him, still hard but you make perfect sense, why would he leave all of that. Its funny though, I had all of that with my ex husband, I left. Hated having sex with him, had great kids in cheerleading and drama and the huge circle of friend. Left because I was not happy with him. I couldnt sleep with my ex husband for years, it was all the crying and cringing and feeling sick to my stomach. Life is tooo short, I started over. Was doing great untill I let the mm into my life. It was fun at first, but then it was just as controlling as my marriage was. Not the sex part, but other stuff and just being alone all the time. I wonder what the difference is, was I strong or is mm just not as unhappy as I was?
In relation to the kids thing…that is one thing that, to a degree, I do not see as an “excuse”. Using the kid to set deadlines over and over and over, like wait til they’re in high school, wait til they’re in college, wait til they move out… ok, that’s screwed up. But I can imagine that telling the wife you want a divorce has got to be much, much easier than telling the kid who, sadly, has nothing to do with it really. That is who one would be really afraid of devastating. And that was the point he had brought up. (And mind you I’m not actively TRYING to make him leave the wife; I don’t even know if I’d like to be with him long term) So I said: if that’s an existing issue now, it’s never going to stop being one, because your kid is never going to stop being your kid. So he said something along the lines of, there would come a point where I would be of greater value, that if he can’t breathe without me, then he would have to deal with the consequnces [of the divorce]. So I was like uuh… OK. *shrug* To me, that’s already pretty heavy shxt to be thinking about with someone you’ve only been with for two months. Two months, that’s it! That is nothing! How could he possibly know anything at this point? I don’t even know anything. We simply just don’t know each other that well yet. Regardless, it doesn’t matter because I am not waiting on his timer, he is waiting on mine. It’s not something I’ve declared out loud, but I’m pretty sure he knows it.
LS
My relationship lasted a year.
Ok i’m starting to feel like shit, i’ve not heard from him in three days which is really unusual for him. He’s either got someone-else in his sights or he’s got a new job or it was his birthday the other day maybe him and his w rekindled their love. Whatever. See how long it lasts.
I’m trying to stay strong i haven’t contacted him and i don’t intend to. The longest i’ve went without seeing him is six days. This is my sixth day. The more he doesn’t contact me the more i think i meant jack shit to him. Which really hurts. I know this is the best thing to for me to do and it will get easier. I’ve got my whole life in front of me, what has he got? a marriage that he’s not happy in , up to his neck in debts and a boss who quite frankly hates him.. Just wish i could close my eyes and the hurt would be over but no point wishing is there? I’m going to learn from this and become stronger than i’ve been before
Sorry ladies for going on but you have no idea how much posting here is helping me.. Thanks for listening. Take care
Hi,
I just wanted to share a letter that my MM had wrote to me during one of the times I could not handle being the other woman. I had broke up with him for about 2 months and he had his son call me a few times. This letter is before I did meet his son. We spent a weekend together. Went to an amusement park one day then kayaking the next. I just thought I would share this because his wife found out about our weekend and again was many times that she wanted a divorce but again did not do it. Then he we did not talk for another month. The odd thing about my MM was he never did hide his fellings about me to no one. Not his wife his dad, his church his friends or his co workers? That was different for a MM. Well here is the letter. Brent is the name of his son.
Everything would change now that I know my kids will accept me and you being together. Do you see how Brent telling me he would turn everyone away made me so fearful. I loved you and I loved them. Thats why I lied and thats why I was secreative. I had told you all along I wish my kids could of seen it from the point of view that it wasnt about you, but that it was about me and Brendas problems. Well that obviously didnt happen. They were told and led to believe it was you breaking up our marriage. Which was all a lie. I lived in fear of them hating you and hating me. Now that Brent sees everything it is so different. Call me today please. Do you understand this just a little bit. If Brady and Alexa said from the very beginning that they hated me, and you were in love with me, it would be hard for you. The time has arrived where Brent sees things how they are. I dont have to fear them. I can be honest with my feelings about you and live like we should have been. Together and happy. I hope this makes sense to you. Brent asked me why I never told you about him telling me he would turn everyone against me. I said I was afraid you would leave me because you loved me so much you didnt want me to lose my kids. I told him I was hoping that in time they would see things how they really were. NOT BLAMING YOU!!!! I do love you, I always have. I am so sorry that I treated you like a mistress. It is not what I wanted. I always wanted to be open. That is why I always told everyone about you. How I was so deeply in love with you. I just never told them we were sneaking around seeing each other. It was wrong and I am sorry. Call me if you can.
Love
Bryan
My MM and I have had no contact at all sense Jan.14th of this year. I am doing good. I miss hearing about his day and wonder what he is doing. He did so many different things on weekends. He would always help a friend build a deck and a few times even barnes. This weekend I am volunteering with my city. Helping to serve beer at a car show. It was fun today. menz as far as the eye can see. But im not all jazzed about cars. Went to a floral show too. The only set backs that I have had was when I developed the film and seen pictures of him. Then this week I went shopping at Target and was in the sports section when my heart fell to the ground. Swear! this guy looked identical to my MM. I sent my son to go look at him and he was like WHOA! So that reminded me how handsome he is. But still I did not let it get me down. I just think back to how hard we would of had to make it work with his wife being in the picture. I wonder if I would of ever gotten jealous with her always having to be in his life still? Not sure but just a thought?
Is anyone else having a problem with this site not loading up all the way? It is happening to me on my home computer too.
SeeTheLight: Yes I have that problem all the time, it will cut off the bottom few comments and the section to post a message so sometime I have to refresh many times before it will come up all the way!
LS — it is super annoying!
Hey tell me what you think of this situation: I spent a great day yesterday with my MM and he cooked, and I took some food home and he told me to have my mom try it. So I was like, what am I supposed to tell her about who made it? And he thought about it and finally he was like tell her whatever you want (although I think the obvious objective was for me to tell her that he cooked it).
Do you think this is some sort of strategy? What should I do?
My mom knows I have something with him, but he doesn’t know that… I think he is trying to make his presence known to her/my family with this, but I am not sure what exact purpose that would serve… if any…
Every since last week the site hasn’t been loading properly. It has not been loading all of the posts. It stops midway and you have to refresh the page many times to finally view the full page. At first I thought it was my work computer but it does it on my home one to. Maybe it’s not capable of handling,,,over four hundred posts,,,lol. I am not sure but it is quite annoying.
LAURA:
Does your MM do that to you often? Not call or contact you for days on end? If my MM did that to me, I would say to hell with him! They just do not understand (even though they say they do) the shit they put us through. So here is what mine just did to me today.
So I had a great weekend with my girls and was all excited to get back and email my MM and he emails back what a great weekend he had and how that makes his life “hard” I said “what the fuck is that supposed to mean to me and how is that supposed to make me feel?” He said it just makes him have “incredible guilt” and I said “thanks, I don’t see or talk to you for 3 days and the first thing you say to me is not that you missed me but what a great weekend you had with your fucking WIFE/family” He said I am getting upset over nothing. WTF!!!! Do you ladies not agree with what an insensitive comment that was??? Here I was having a great day and looking forward to seeing him and now I am back where I was a few weeks ago, wondering WHAT THE HELL I am doing with him and how can he say these things to me? He normally is not like that to me and so it is especially hard this time. He has never hurt my feelings like this before, so it is hard for me to deal with. I don’t even know what else to say to him since obviously he thinks I am overreacting. Laura: Are you and your MM still together or are you broken up right now?
SeeTheLight: I agree with you girl, I do not think that the staying for the kids is an “excuse”, I really don’t. If I had a child, I would not want to abandon them and break up their life and home either. Unless of course it was a terrible abusive situation or something awful like that. The children are the innocent ones here who have no clue what REALLY goes on in their parents relationship, especially if the MM and wife are trying not to fight infront of them and what not. I try and think of my mom and my dad as a child I would have hated it if they broke up, cause when you are little your mom and dad are your WORLD.
Right now I am just so pissed off by his comment I can’t even see straight. It is so not like him to say shit like that to me.
LS — omg, grrrrrrr… I totally feel you on that one. Especially the getting upset over nothing part! The thing with these MM though is this… they vacillate… if they have a good time with their family, the thought of leaving them at that point makes them feel sad and guilty… on the other hand though, when they have an insanely good time with us, I am sure they have moments when they wish their family would disappear into thin air… it’s the infamous push/pull… it comes from their inability to pick a life…
My MM kept doing the push/pull no matter how much it upset me, until finally one day after a “push” (i.e., I’m not the right guy for you, blah blah), I thought to myself, OK, fine — if that’s what he wants to think… So when I met up with him, I acted completely superficial and blase… that nipped it right in the bud.
Out of curiosity LS, do you go out with any other guys? Perhaps you should introduce a new male “friend” into your life… sometimes MM need to feel that little twinge of regret… keep them on their toes…
UPDATED TO MESSAGE BELOW!! MAY 1ST Hi there. I have been trying to post a new comment and for some reason I can’t but wanted to let you know that I have set up the basic discussion boards with a forum for you which you can post topics. I will be closing commenting on this post within the next hour or so, and again, I really do apologise for the inconvenience caused and I hope that you will all continue to support each other in the forums. You will need to register (it’s very quick) and please post as much as you like and create your own topics and forums. Thanks again for all of your contributions. NML
UPDATE TO MESSAGE BELOW!!!! Ladies, I have just had confirmation that it is indeed the comments on this post and How to Cope With Being The Other Woman that are slowing the site down! At some point, this means that comments will be closing for these posts, however I won’t do this without providing you with an alternative. Please look out for updates!
LS, See The Light, Unique and anyone else that has been experiencing the issues. I have seen your comments coming through and the issue with the site loading is being dealt with. Unfortunately the loading difficulties do have something to do with the volume of comments and unless this can be resolved (I am doing everything in my power to do this), comments will have to be closed on both this post and How To Cope With Being The Other Woman. However, I will set up a discussion board as a replacement. I am sorry for any incovenience caused. Please be patient with me until this issue is resolved and if you have any suggestions on how to provide you with what you need to be able to continue your communications, it will be much appreciated. Thanks
SeeTheLight:
It is SOOOO important for us to do that too. Also it sounds like he is kinda testing you to see if you will tell your mom or not. Why else would he ask you to do that? It sounds like he WANTS your mom to know that you are with him, it is almost like he is kinda staking his claim. Like “if her mom knows…..” or something. Does that make sense? Just like you said “making his presence known”, totally! I would just say “if you want my family to know about you, come meet them and you do the same, tell YOUR friends and family about me too!” See what he says to that huh? Does anyone or alot of people in his life know about you and him??
hey girl, that is exactly what he said too! He just said it made him feel like a “lying, cheating asshole” and what not and that it was not that the weekend was so great but that they just did not fight and they went and saw some friends of theirs and they just had a nice time cause they were not fighting for once and blah blah blah. I told him “if your life is so great then why am I in it then??” Of course then he got all freaked out and was like, “no it is not great and I do need you” and blah blah blah….. You are right it is that push/pull and it is because we have such a wonderful time together and I KNOW we do have something that is not even close to what he gets at home. I am proud of you that you were able to nip that in the bud, that is kinda what I was doing to my MM earlier. I told him,
” If you feel so bad then why are we even together, maybe I need to leave you” and I have never said anything like that to him before and I could tell he was shocked as hell that I said it and then he back pedaled like crazy! I mean seriously, I am not going to be the weak little girl, if you say shit like that to me I am going to come back at you and stand up for myself. I am not afraid of saying something that is going to “offend” him or make him leave, I know HE is the lucky one and I could have another guy in a minute. It is just hard because I do love him so much and I want to be with him someday. In answer to your question, I do go out with guy friends and he HATES it so much, but again, I don’t hold back I tell him everything, when guys buy me drinks, when I dance with guys, etc… I tell him that I am not looking for anyone, I just like to have fun and if he can not take me out and have fun with me, I am not going to stop! I am going to go out and live life and have fun and he can join when he wants to.
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