Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married Man/Attached Man -
May 5, 2007 by NML
When you’re The Other Woman, it will often feel like incredible highs and lows, and at some point, you should and probably will become sick of being in the situation and want to end it with the guy. Like any break up though, breaking up is hard to do unless something so awful happens that it galvanises you. There are a hell of a lot of women in this situation that are readers of this site, and the most common issue is how the hell can they move on? Here I hope that I can help to put any woman who is in this situation on the road to healthier happiness. But first, think about this point first?
Is this a half hearted cry for attention from him which you hope will force his hand into making the decision to be with you? If so, be careful as this is probably still unlikely to happen and if it means you end up staying with him, you’re wasting your own time. Otherise….
1. Be firm and strong.
Be resolute about your decision and immovable. If you really do want to break up with him and you are sick of the situation, he shouldn’t be able to wheedle his way around you. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to get around you. This time he can’t.
2. Make it about YOU, not HIM.
If you put the focus of the break up on him, he can make excuses that he means at the time but probably don’t hold up after the event and he’ll make promises that he means at the time but is also unlikely to keep. Yes, you are breaking up because he can’t give you what you need, want and deserve, however, you’re also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this.
3. Remind yourself that he is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions.
Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy ‘relationship’ that you’re in now.
4. Think of the woman he’s with, the woman that you view as the person who is robbing you of the opportunity to be with your guy as a human being with feelings and strengths and weaknesses just like you. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. Whatever story he has told you about why he’s with both of you, the cold hard truth is that he CHOOSES to be with HER.
5. Is this how you saw a healthy, happy relationship? Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12 months or even in years?
6. Remember that occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years won’t have to be spent waiting for his call or snatching a moment together.
7. Go cold turkey.
If you can afford it, go away for a few days or a week to somewhere nice or go and stay with friends and family. Turn off your phone and let the important people know where you are so that you don’t worry. There should be absolutely no contact.
8. Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you have.
When I speak to women in involved with attached men, whether they realise it or not, they are almost always in a tight routine. After all, keeping things in a tight routine is how he stops himself from getting caught out and fits you into his schedule. You must break the routine. Put it on voicemail or turn off your voicemail but don’t pick up calls. Be out when he calls. Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be out. Be busy. If you think you’ll be tempted to be swayed, change your mobile phone or block his email address.
9. Tell somebody that you trust.
You’d be surprised at how many women act in secrecy which actually further plays into the man’s hands as you are totally at the mercy of whatever he is telling you. A confidante gives you a sanity check but also gives you a rock of support. Choose someone you trust and who can be supportive but tell you that it’s time to quit.
10. Steer clear of dating till you are ready to date. This also protects you from knee jerking into another situation that you may not recognise as being unsuitable due to craving some sort of emotional replacement - there is no progress in ditching a married man for an emotionally unavailable man. There is also no point in dating if it’s a way of passing time in the hope of filling in the gap until the married guy potentially becomes available. The only time you should date is when you are truly ready to move on and the married guy doesn’t figure any longer.
11. Remember that you need time to grieve and heal. There is no quick fix and you don’t feel better immediately. In fact, you’re likely to feel like sh*t in the short-term. You must give it time though. Weather the storm, cold turkey it out and let out the tears and frustration but don’t give in. Your ‘relationship’ is over.
12. See a counsellor or therapist. If you have been in relationships that have a habit of wearing down your self esteem, if you want to understand your relationship patterns, if you feel you need a little extra help or if you feel very low, this is the ideal way of helping you to heal, understand and move on.
13. Address other areas of your life that have suffered whilst you were with the attached guy. No matter what you think, something or someone, or both suffered whilst you focused your energies on your situation. If you let work slide or put off career decisions, prioritise it. If you have neglected friends or family, build bridges. If you have neglected yourself, spend time on you. You have to put the focus back to you if you are truly intent on succeeding. It’s because it’s been all about him why you lasted so long with him in the first place.
14. Yes I’m sure there were happy times, but you need to remember how you REALLY felt when you were with him. Look back at your diary, think back to specifics and there are probably a lot of times when you were lonely, disappointed, insecure, sidelined, teary, clingy, frustrated, angry, too dependent, listless and much more. Put both feet in reality and get real about who you have really been. If you were that happy, you wouldn’t be reading this and you wouldn’t be breaking up. You wouldn’t even want more.
15. Read the stories of women who have played your role of The Other Woman and realise that your situation is not unique, most of the stories of why these men cheat are the same, most of the time it ends in tears, and you, The Other Woman will always play second fiddle as long as you put yourself in this role.
NB!!! This post has been republished due to the very high volume of comments on the original post creating technical issues such as slowing down the site and preventing the original post from being reloaded. The original post and comments are no longer available and thank you to everyone who contributed the almost 500 comments! Comments will remain open on this post until they get to a level that is deemed technically unsuitable. Please note that the forum is up and running and that you can chat with some of the women who wrote the original comments. Registration needed. Thanks NML, editor and site owner.
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where is everyone?
Hi Miracle,
How is everything going with you?
Reminder, here is a message on the end of the post which I am now pasting here: “NB!!! This post has been republished due to the very high volume of comments on the original post creating technical issues such as slowing down the site and preventing the original post from being reloaded. The original post and comments are no longer available and thank you to everyone who contributed the almost 500 comments! Comments will remain open on this post until they get to a level that is deemed technically unsuitable. Please note that the forum is up and running and that you can chat with some of the women who wrote the original comments. Registration needed. Thanks NML, editor and site owner.”
The forum is available at http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php and you will also find that people are still commenting on the other posts about being the other woman.
Thank God,,,I am so happy to see you guys. I thought all was lost. They have the discussion board for this but it was only people I didn’t know from the how to cope with section posting comments. Other than LS.
So a BIG Hi to you and glad to see you tina and miracle. I missed you guys.
Where is everyone?
Hi,
Well it has been since Jan. that I have had no contact with my MM. Just to refresh we were together for 2 years. I am still going strong with keeping busy. I have been thinking alot about him and his wife. The last I heard they were getting a divorce. Yet she had said that every time that she found out. Then they make up and she would act like nothing ever had happend. I would never go back to MM. But I am so curious as to how things are going now with them. I wonder how they can just pick up and go on like nothing happend? His manipulation has affected my life deeply. I wish that I could just go on like nothing ever happend. I wish the pain would leave. I think about things he said where I could of have picked up on like clues along the way. Like the “I can’t divorce yet because of the kids.” I think as I said before. If they have any type of hesitaion and make any type of remark as ” I can’t divorce yet because of” I think they are small little clues that tell you he is not ready to divorce. I don’t see how 2 more years or even 2 more months would make a difference in his hurting his children. He would never hurt his children. And now looking back. I feel they were clues to let you know. Even though when we started dating he said he was seperated and living apart from wife,When I found out he was still living with her I should of ended it. He told me that he slept down stairs and they never had sex. All lies im realizing now. One of the times that she found out about us his dad called me to tell me to wait for him. Give them some time to settle this. His dad told me how much his son loved me. So I waited. Well, stupid me. When my MM called me after 3 weeks and asked me to come up and stay the weekend with him we went to buy fireworks. He had a family reunion that same darn weekend with his dad and sisters and such at his house. I had a hard time understanding why everyone would still go if they were divorcing? I went one night to watch the fire works but they did not see me. I heard his wife call him Honey. Honey? Well that was odd if she was so mad that she found out about us and divorcing too. I had asked him about it and he told me Old habit. Thats what she always called him. But they were divorcing. I believed him and I did even though family was all there we stayed together much of that weekend. Looking back it was all lies. They had made up and I was just a mistress that he hid from the family the whole weekend. Just my ramble for the night. Hope to just start up some more chat.
girls!!
I missed you chicas!
Hey Unique, TinaS and everyone!
TinaS…its been since Janaury??!! That’s quite an accomplisment my friend. Congrats.
I’m still going to the gym. But last night I had another AHA moment. I am in charge of my own happiness, I own it. Me and God. I don’t have to crave MMs company, his calls and wonder where we are gonna hang out each night, only to be crushed if for one night out of 7 nights we don’t hang out. . . its gettin too crazy!
So last night, I went and did my nails, then went home, wrapped my hair, put on my nightie, and read “Everyday Grace” by Marianne Williamson.
I had the best night!! MM called of course, and sounded shocked that I was on my own doing my thing. Though I was a little tempted, I remained at home and read and chatted with my mom till I fell asleep.
Now I am in the midst of planning a surprise 50th birthday party for my mommy! Its gonna be great.
Most of all, I love life, and I am so excited about my future!! (sans MM)
Oh my Goodness Tina S. what is your email address? We must talk. Same to you Miracle is coming.
Uptown Girl
Sounds like you can relate to us. What is your story if you dont mind me asking? And how are you doing?
Miracle is coming,
You were so strong to stay home and pamper yourself. When I was with my MM if he called I would of went to see him for sure. I am wondering how your moms party plans are going? And how are things with your MM?
oh no
nobody posts anymore ?? since the technical meltdown?
How are you guys????
I am OK / not much to report
maybe everyone has not much to report, or have you guys moved to another forum??
hello????????
I am here, I have been posting mostly on the “how to cope” thread. But now I wonder if I should be posting on this one cause I am seriously questioning whether or not I should be staying with my MM. Things are great between us and he tells me everyday how much he wants to be with me and how terrible his wife and their marriage is, yet he is still with her. We have been together for almost a year now and I don’t see him getting any closer to leaving. And not only that, this weekend they are taking a “family trip” together. Makes me want to throw up! I am just at a loss right now with my feelings and what should I do. HELP!!!!!!
Hi everyone what a relief to find this site I have been so miserable on the 22nd of may I told my MM not to call me unless he sorts out his problems with his wife I told him I was fed up being with all the symptoms of being the other woman I do not deserve that , again i did not expect him to treat me any better since I allowed this relationship to drag for 2 years I am sick and tired I finally had the guts to call it a quit , for my suprise he did not even argue with me slime head he said ok if it makes you happy I hang up full of rage and anger dissappointment promissing myself not to call him again trying to remind myself all the time of all the unhappy episodes I went trough during my time with him (and beleive me my happiness was always contaminated by his wife`s shadow) GOD help me to keep strong and not to call him : I relate to everyone of you ladies and this site is a god sent from heaven at least I do not feel alone and desperate with no hope my life has ended the minute i stopped calling him hearing his voice gave me so much comfort mind you he was a passive cold fish how sad can i be for staying with a creature like that? wish me luck girls lots lots of love
Fortuna:
Wow, what a story. He didn’t even fight for you or beg you not to go? What an asshole. That would have made it even easier for me to walk away. But it would also make me feel like shit, like maybe I never mattered at all. If you are sure that being without him is the right decision (which it sounds like it is!) stay strong, do not call him, don’t give in. Obviously you have 2 years of proof of his bad treatment of you and whatnot so unless he comes to your door with divorce papers in hand, screw him. I am in a situation myself where I wonder if I should walk away too, but what makes it hard is that my MM is wonderful to me. Completely amazing. BUT, I am such a wreck a few days a week and when I am not with him, I wonder is it worth it? I don’t want to lose years of my life on someone that will never be mine.
What is your story?
gee LS. Its like on every day of the week I can find someones story that sounds JUST like mine.
Things are going great between me and MM and I think we get closer and closer with time - its been 2 hectic on and off years, during which i have tried to leave about 10 serious, serious times.
I can’t bother to spend my life fretting and worrying about somehting that will be over soon I hope!
He doesn’t complain to me about his wife, he doesn’t discuss their relationship, I know they are still having sex and for all intents and purposes they are fine. Their eldest child is a few months younger than I am. So they have been together since before I was born…. sigh
But God I love him.
L S
Great to hear from you I met my MM in the plane on my way to Singapore He aproached me we spent the 13 hours flight between London _Singapore chating the 10 days I spent there we were inseperable to cut a long story short I came back to London and life was so beautiful we were madly in love with each other for three month until his wife caught him talking on the phone with me he changed from that moment he wanted to be with me but he stopped telling me he loves me he always seems stressed upset full of problems he told me his wife was suicidal he cannot leave her he has to look after her so I have put up with that shit for a long time by being available in every single way hoping he will
be like before the more i gave the more he wanted .of course like all MM time was so tight I was far from his priorities everytime he was with me after he eats my food have his fun he goes upstairs to call his wife this kind of behaviour always poisonned my mood my life I was so into him I never even wanted to leave him ,so many episodes happened during this relationship as you can immagine being with MM the emptiness after he leaves the jealousy from his wife and my immagination when he is with her in the house he told me he doesn`t sleep with her I chose to beleive him he totally took over my thoughts my head my life the mystery of his life at home and his silence when he was at home I felt it was
like a challenge I suppose .Istarted buying him gifts givinghim money
tell him how special he was in bed mind you he was below below average I made him think he was the incredible hulk(haha) He loved being with telling me how much he admires me and how much he needs me but he didnt tellme he loved melike before I was letting him taking the piss I know it was my mistake I actually am very vunrable I wanted this relationship to work as I am fed up dating every single looser in england after my divorce by the way I am 41 years old and Idont know why I put with a shit like that I am nice looking comfotable great social talent I have it all what makes me be with someone like that I dont know I am sure I have issues with my personality to allow him to treat me like that without asking him to F…off at the end I felt so exhausted of everything my feelings my life pattern with him I miss myself respect the minute he told he is taking his wife to malaysia on oneof his businesstrip because she asked him and he couldnt say no and because he hates conflict I was guted i decided to end it not because of dignity or anything else Iam tired worn out I am missing so much on my life I was pushing the days ahead I was looking forward to the future forgetting to live my present and that scared the life out of me I have decided suddenly to claim my life back I REALLY HOPE THAT STAY STRONG AND SALVAGE WHAT IS LEFT OF MY DIGNITY AND MY LIFE meanwhile LS hope my story will help you that you are not alone and we will support each other LOOK AFTER YOURSELF Lots of love from London
You’ve been looking over my shoulder and you’re right, I wouldn’t be looking at this site if I was so “happy” with an attached man. I’m miserable, I can tell you and don’t have the guts to end it. Man! Life!!
Hi girls
who ever is checking my message , it has been 5 days since I told my MM I am tired worn out don`t call me unless you have something to offer me .to make things easier for me then,I did not have the guts to cut it completely off in hope to get used to the idea slowly he is not going to exist in my daily routine. girls we are a creatures of habits you dont love someone who treats u bad and doesnt appreciate u on the contrary but in our case if you allow me we got into this dirty habit ,like you know when you smoke you are hurting yourself but we still bloody do it at least that give me comfort to realise thoseF****er are not special . SO FAR I have not touched the phone and god willing I will not when I get the urge of missing him I immediatly go back on my memory to recall the feeling when I was with him calling his wife none stiop the emptiness that he leaves after he dessappears nasty nasty feelings and that makes me angry I am trying the self help method on hypnotherapy I feel it is helping me gently to get my daily peace back somehow I am not desperate and miserable like the first 2 days I am now sad dissappointed for giving my all to a passive greedy cold fish like him 2 years has been wiped off just in a 20 minutes phone call imagine he did not even argue with me I wonder if he was upset or missing at least the daily calls anyway the more i try to think about the more I confuse myself but i am going by the day and I pray to god to let me go stronger everyday somehow i feel empty sad but not yearning to go back to square one if i ever attempt to call him
It is sunday today I am hopeful for the future but am going to make the most of my day and tomorrow is another day WHATEVER IS MEANT TO HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN like when we met those nasty pieces of work .
CARRIE : YOU DONT NEED TO FORCE THE BREAKING UP YOU WILL REACH A POINT WHEN YOU CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE so good luck for you and all of the ladies who are going through the same shit ….
Wow, what activity has been going on the last few days, I am sitting here reading all this and I wonder to myself, “how the hell did we, so many intelligent, beautiful women wind up in these fucked up situations?” I mean really, it is crazy to me. Although our situations seem very different from one another, deep down they are all the same. Us waiting, us hoping, us putting our lives on hold so to speak, us sacrificing (even though they tell us how much THEY do) really it is us OW who do most of the sacrificing. I have do not let my life or my plans revolve around him, I still make my own plans and do not check with him before I do anything, BUT, I am the one who turns down dates with guys, I am the one who lies to my family, I am the one who lies to my friends, living the so called single life when really I am not single….. What the hell is that all about right? I know that only I am in control of this situation and no one is making me stay or making me be the OW, but at the same time I can not walk away from him, as fucked up as it sounds the relationship that him and I have (aside from him being married), when we are together, is the best relationship I have ever been in. He upsets me sometimes, not on purpose, he has never once been mean to me in anyway. The only time I get upset is when he breaks a date with me, so I can not consider that him being mean when really I should expect it right? He IS a MM, so how can I be pissed at him when he says he has to go home? Well probably because I hear time and time again how horrible his marriage is, how much of a bitch his wife is, how badly he wants to leave and so it leaves me wondering, why the fuck am I still not with him then???? THAT right there is what makes it so hard for me. Waiting, wondering, hoping that today will be the day that he tells me he is leaving her. How long is too long to wait before it just becomes completely hopeless??? Any ideas? I just don’t know, I have been the OW for almost a year and sometimes I wonder if that is too long already. As bad as these situations are, we all have the choice whether or not we want to stay in them and not only that but how much we will put up with and how long we will wait…….Everyone is different. All I can suggest is, never stop being who YOU are and don’t let your life revolve around these men. If they want to be a REAL part of our lives let them, but don’t let your life revolve around them until THEIR lives revolve around US…….
Take care and I appreciate you ladies so much, it is like I have a whole army of angels on my shoulder, here anytime I need them and I am so thankful for all of you, ALL the different opinions, all the different thoughts and suggestions..
Stay Strong!
I woke up this morning very hopefull looking forward to start my day I was strangely feeling so good I looked at myself in the mirror and I liked what i saw really ,I said to myself IT IS HIS LOSS I changed had a strong coffee went to the gym to participate in an aerobic class wow I felt so high and good my selfesteem was at its most I prayed to god to stay like that for the rest of the day I tried to maintain these good feeling trying not to be so high somehow I felt liberated mind you it has been 9 days since I told my MM not to contact me unless he is willing to improve the situation,I am still feeling great while I am writing this thoughts it is late at night and I ve managed to avoid being distructed by his thoughts and sadness I am challenging myself to reach three weeks without contact WHEN I succeed .,not even IF, I succeed ,,WHEN ,,I succeed I will know for sure it is over and hopefully I will appericiate life more, considering the roller coaster of emotions I was living for the last 2 years
since I took my peacefull style of life for a granted god give me strengh to be able to put this nasty 2 years in my book of experiences .
I WISH YOU LADIES .YOU HAVE SIMILAR HAPPY DAYS TO THE ONE I HAD TODAY..
wish me luck
stay healthy and well
being the other woman can be so damn hard. I put my all into this relationship because I love him so much. This is the first guy I have never ever had an affair on… Aint that weird… he is married and I am not seeing anyone at all but him. He is everything I ever wanted in a man.. so how will i ever just give up on the thought of us being together . They have no kids, why cant she just get the hint and leave. She is a pretty lady, she could find someone else too. He says their marriage has been over for years, but neither will just say the word.. WHY NOT A year and a half of getting to know him, loving him, wanting him, living my life for him. It is just frustrating to know there is no end to all this.
well misspriss,
it is HER husband. he’s probably just telling you his marriage is over, its not, if it was he would leave…its not like he’s staying for the kids, since he has none w/ her.
i think its kinda fresh for you to be asking why she doesn’t get the hint and leave…why don’t you get the hint and leave? its HER man and husband.
i don’t think there is any hint to be had here, unless its the hint and nudge we all need…he is married, why don’t WE leave?
MissPriss:
I have to agree with Miracle, obviously he is not being completely honest with you about his TRUE relationship with his wife. I mean if he loves you so much and he does not have children as the excuse, why would he stay with her??? I mean really. Unless he is a gazillionaire that did not sign a pre-nup, I would say he is leading you on. He is the type of MM that I fear. The one who is the smooth operator, playa, wants his cake and to eat it too. The one who has NO intention of ever leaving his wife but does not want to lose his OW. And I am not saying he doesn’t have feelings for you, I am sure he does and I am sure he love being with you as well. Why wouldn’t they? Most of them are older than us and we are beautiful young women, HELLO! And pplease don’t take me the wrong way, I am not trying to hurt your feelings or be mean, I am just trying to be honest. And this is coming from my experience and also from my experience talking to so many OW and hearing all the different stories.
If someone disagrees with me, please say so. But I think I am right on about this particular MM.
All you can do MissPriss is ask him to be honest with you what his intentions are that way YOU know what to expect or what NOT to expect from him.
If he can’t give you what you want, you need to leave him. I know it is hard because you do love him but if he has no intention of ever leaving his wife why would you stay?? That has heartbreak written all over it. These relationships are hard enough as it is, I could not imagine staying with a MM when I know he will never be mine……
…but LS
remind me of your story… isn’t it somewhat true that if it is a MM, any MM at all … by the mere fact that he is married, he will never be ours anyway?
So I am having problems understanding your last line and advice to misspriss
Miracle:
No I don’t think that it is wrong to believe that SOME MM might actually leave their wives for us. My MM has told me from Day 1 and even told people we knew at work that the ONLY reason he was/is staying right now is because of how young his child was and he does not want to go from being a FT Dad to a PT dad with shared visitation. His child is his world and I would never expect him to chose him or me. The way things have been going with his wife at home though, he will be leaving soon. They had a huge fight and she told him that she wanted to talk to someone about splitting up their assets because she can not live like that anymore. SO…the wheels are kinda in motion and we will see what happens. But with that being said I am also not getting my hopes up until I see divorce papers and we are living together.
I think my situation is MUCH different than MissPriss and others as well. I told my MM in the beginning to let me know if he was only in it for the sex and if he was never going to leave his wife but it is/was common knowledge how he feels about his wife so I am not lying to myself by saying he will be mine eventually. I just don’t know when and that is the hardest part for me. Waiting. Granted if years pass and he is still there, obviously I need to move on but it is not like that now.
ooooh. LS, OK I get it. If I were you, I would stick around and see how things develop.
I know that some MMs do leave. My dad left my mom (and his three young kids) for the Other Woman…so I know it does happen. In the ned sometimes its about who one is more compatible with.
Good luck.
Hi girls,
This is the fourth week since I stopped seeing my MM I am hurting terribly he didn ‘t bother to call to check if I am well or not I suppose I have to get on with my life he doesn’t deserve me asshole , I am sad I miss him but I cannot go back to the shit hole I have put myself into and this site has helprd me a lot .
CHASING you are so great I really appreciate every single word you say
I wish each one of you the best of luck as much as I need strength from all of you ladies .
lots of love
Fortuna
Oh my thank you ladies. I am so grateful for your honesty. I was w/ a long distance MM for 2 months. The “perfect man” the love notes, texts, skype, calls……… oh my goodness, I fell hard. I do not date MM, told him when I met him, he said he was going to divorce her and get the ball rolling. 2 months, he has brought up the subject, but he still w/ her. I sent an email, his voice melts me. I broke it off because I will not be the other woman, if things change……….. but the pain OH MY GOD !!!! it has only been a 2 month relationship, and I did not have sex with him, thank God. I can only imagine the feelings after years. I want to phone him, hear from him, I miss him so much. The tears are so deep. I am keeping my heart open, meaning, not shutting in, shutting down, but God it is painful.
Blessings to all of you, thank you again for your beautiful honesty.
Hi Gratitude,
STAY STRONG DONT GET TEMPTED THE PAIN NOW IS EASIER THAN LATER PLEASE DONT GO THERE VERY HUMILIATING THE SITUATION STEEL YOUR LIFE FROM YOU KEEP READING THE COMMENTS ON THE OTHER FORUM TO GIVE YOU FORCE NOT TO GIVE IN.
GOOD LUCK GIRL
I CLAIMED MY EXISTANCE, MY LIFE BACK NEVER NEVER AGAIN .
LOTS OF LOVE
FORTUNA
dear fortuna,
thank you, great advice and yes, reading the other woman’s experiences…… does keep me strong. today was a difficult day, 5 days now…….. I was talking to my friend, not phoning him. we were talking about the “voices” that say, “oh you will never find another” etc…… and how, we would never let anyone speak to us like our heads do, than horrors……… I realized how I have let men talk to me like I talk to me, it is true, I will get what I, deep down inside believe I deserve. Crumbs ???
Dear God no, so the gratitude around seeing such a funky belief about myself. Oh this growing up is hard sometimes, attach it to a heart ache. Good Lord, I have to remember to breath.
Thank you again, all of you awesome woman who have shared your souls here, you have helped me more than you will ever know.
Love to all of you,
Gratitude
Hello everyone I have fallen in love with a MM also. We were together for 2 yrs but the last year thing between us progressed to were we were going to move away together. He left to another city and I was supposed to follow him there but of course he was still married, so he said that he would file for divorce in Sept. It never happend. Three weeks ago he broke up with me saying that she had promised to change, and he said that he doubted she would but he had to give her this final chance because they have been together 19 yrs but if she didn’t he would leave ASAP, and he would come back to me. I know his wife and I’ve seen it first hand how mean and ugly she can be. Him and I have talked a couple of times since then, he still calls me baby, and says he loves me and I beleive him, and I want to wait to see what happens. My friends tell me that he will come back but what if dosen’t? What if she does change? Maybe I am dillusional. I have been miserable, but I have been extremely happy. He has said if only he would have met me first, but because of our age difference it would have been weird.I don’t know what to do I love him so much. I have put myself in his and her shoes beause I been in both places,I went into depression because of the guilt I felt that’s why I ryed to get him to get sick of me so he would leave. Instead he asked me to give him time to make the choice and I can’t let him go but I cannot wait forever either. I have tried not to make contact with him anymore but it’s very hard I keep trying to convince myself that he is not coming back but I really don’t know that. I want to say that I hope she does change and everything works out between them but I can’t and not that good of a person.
Hi Kitty,
I know it is hard, day 8 here, and it is a crying day. I miss him.
What if you were to get on with your life. Not wait for him. Take back your soul, your life. If he leaves, GETS THE DIVORCE, than treats you as the woman you are, with dignity, cherish, love, respect, than take him back.
I do not want to ever settle for, this desperate heart sure wants to. I know that much of it has nothing to do with him, and the healing of my own soul that needs to happen. I pray you stay strong, I stay strong, desperate is so unattractive. We all want to be loved, why did we settle is my big question.
Cheers,
Gratitude
Gratitude:
What a great question you added at the end of your post.
“Why did we settle”
WOW. And so true. I always told myself after my own divorce that I would never let a man rule me or my emotions, nor would I waste my time waiting around for one to grow up and make up his mind about me, yet here I am doing just that. In love with the most unavailable man in the world! How did we get here. If this was a normal single guy, we would have all kicked him to the curb long ago, why is it that we let the MM get away with so much more? I would like to know what all the other OW think about that and weigh in cause the past few days have been hard ones for me. I am back to the whole “what the hell am I doing with him?” Mentality and although I love him more than I have ever loved any man, I don’t know what I am doing…..
hey LS,
I have really found that I let the man I love treat me as my
head talks to me, take a listen and see if it is true for you. I would never
take any of the stuff I allow myself to take from HIM, just to “keep” him. See how much nicer, sexier, sweeter, kinder, etc than your wife I am. In the mean time my soul is shriveling, and I am dying. Yes, even now the pain is so immense, but I do not want someones sloppy seconds. I only got involved ’cause he was on his way home to start the divorce….. 3 months later, thank you God not three years. I have to ask also, what man would really want us all tired, crying, worn out, pining away, no life, no ambition, on hold, for him…….. how unattractive is that??/ Yet, there I was slipping away…… I say ladies, we all need to get a life, if they want us, they are going to have to win us back, after the divorce. No settling for, we are better than that. Only our minds tell us different, than we believe the MM.
Love you all
Hi everyone ,
Hi L S,
It breaks my heart to see you girls where I was not so long ago I was exactly in the same place where you are ldies feeling lost alone desperate for MM longing for him during when I was with him and after I broke up with BUT I have managed to pull through you know why ladies NOT because I am more clever or stronger or any BS NO JUST because his time came. HIS episode has ended no more, what I am trying to got to is LADIES don’t beat yourselves up and stop criticising and be hard on yousrelves when their bloody time will come you will end it someway and another without looking back , everything has an end even our tolerence.
In my experiences what we go through during and after a relationship with those MM is a procedure has to happen .
I started to loose my health my self respect and sanity I had no more energy then, to resent my situation, this was his time when I quit MM .
wish you all the strength in the world girls .
If I can manage to succed, everyone else will .
Lots of Love
Fortuna
Fortuna:
LOL. I just happen to be madly in love with my MM and it is hard for me to walk away just yet…..I know the time will come (if he keeps dragging his feet) where I will be fed up and say enough is enough. I am hoping and praying that doesn’t happen because I ultimately want to end up with him, but I will NOT wait forever. I want to have kids before I am too old, I don’t necessarily need to be married but I want to atleast be with him for real.
Thanks once again for your words of wisdom. BUT don’t mistake me, although I long to be with my MM, I am not by any means desperate for him. Today my MM told me ” I am sorry you are stuck with me and this shitty situation” And I was like “Honey I am not stuck with anyone! I can leave anytime” He DID NOT like that at all, but it is the truth. I have been married before and I will never stay with a man who starts to eat away at my confidence, happiness, etc…..I KNOW that I can have pretty much anyone I wanted
LS- You are right on the money and this is exactly how I feel.
I don’t feel desperate or worthless or like I have low self-esteem or anything.
My MM asked for us to move in together. He and his wife are splitting up. However, as many of you know I am going away to school in September. My Masters will take one year and I think the distance will be good - he can decide on what he really wants and if they are really splitting up then we can be together for real. Although I am 22 I am thinking about my future and I want to have kids as well, very soon. I also don’t necessarily need to be married, but I do want to be with him for real. The year apart will be good for us both, we are so in love but sometimes love is not enough -:
Miracle:
So you have the chance to live with him and you are not going to take it? What if in that year he meets someone else and you lose out on being together with him? Are you willing to take that chance? That is what I would be afraid of if I were you. I mean I know some people would say “if it is meant to be he will be there when you are done” but shit happens and I don’t think I could do it. BUT you are very smart and it sounds like you are strong and that is good! I know if I had that chance with my MM I would NOT pass it up. I hear you, I want kids as well infact that is one thing we have been talking about a lot lately and I told him I didn’t need to be married necessarily but I wanted to atleast BE with someone (meaning him) that I COULD have them with if we wanted to and not have to worry about a damn wife! I have never been the one who has talked about us getting married, he has always been the one who refers to us in the future being married and what not. Which is nice, but words are words you know? I know he loves me but there comes a point where the words lose their luster and actions speak louder than words……..
Has anyone thought about telling the wife about the affair in hopes that she will kick him out?
I’ve just discovered this site and feel so relieved that I’m not alone. Some days I feel I might as well walk round with a sign saying ’slut’ on my back. How easy it is to feel like you’re the only woman who’s going through this.
Hey,
I feel kind of weird. I have read this site and list of what I can describe as life lines everyday for so long. Not once did it occur me that i could post a comment.
I broke up with my MM a few months ago. My situation was really weird though, no thats not right it was just i dont know how to describe it.
We met a year and a half ago, at work. He was my boss at first but i soon got a promotion and we began spending more time together. Soon we began confinding in each other and soon began going out for a drink then dinner and then sex finally evolved. I knew from the start about his wife. We used to talk about her and him at the start and myself and the guy i was casually seeing at the time. After a few months of casual sex, I began to get a feeling within that maybe to me this was more then just sex. I one night, stupidly, told him this and my feelings. Ofcourse he told me they were returned. How he cared for me. His wife had at this point left the country and was working abroad for the next 7 months. Never did it hit me that it would only be for company.
So for the next four months we became a couple. Still in secret but we began going on dates, days out, weekends away. Things that only couples would do. He began to confide into his friends that me and him were together and we began to meet up with them as a couple also.
After a while of this he iniatited the relationship moving and asked if we could move in together. So i uprooted myself, into a new home with what i thought was my new man. Stupidly (again) I assmed that as we no longer spoke of his wife that they were no longer together
So we started to share the most intimate goings on in our days. Soon time passed and he began getting restless. He began flirting with other co-workers. He began to make long phone calls abroad (me thinking it was to work).
Then one day I come home, my life ripped apart. No trace of him. As if he had never existed. He had said to me 1 hour previous that he loved me, that next year we would get married. He promised. How our love was somehing he held dearly to him.
He is now living back with his wife. Who has no idea of him and his lies and deciet. I never had the heart to tell her. My heart breaking was enough. I have spoken to him once, when he told me that he did love me but he needed to make his marriage work, he had made a commitment and needed to stay loyal.
So now, a few months on, I am struggling with my day to day life. Walking down the street, hearing a sound, smelling a familiar smell, and I am transorpted into a whirl wind of memories. I have left work, my career, my life because i can not care to think of him. I have lost contact with many frends because it pains me to much to make the effort.
That is one of the first times I have actually told the story. I hope i havent bored you all.
M xxxx
dear M
thank you so much for sharing your story……….. that could have been me.
it will be 2 weeks tomorrow I said goodbye. the pain, comes and goes.
I know that distance thing, the excuses, the pain. I am so grateful I left. DOES NOT make the pain any less. Reading your story and others just reinforces I did the right thing, in the end. the best thing would 2 have not gotten involved, period. I fell for the “I am going home to get a divorce thing”. I am so looking forward to the day I do not check my email, or phone to see if he contacted me, telling me he left his wife. How self absorbed I am……. anyway. I do look forward to that day the heavy heart lifts.
Hang in there,
My heart goes out to you, I can only barely fathom what you are going through, not only your heart, your source of income, home, everything.
I was thinking to myself earlier if he really loved me (truly a road to hell pondering) but, if he did, why or how could he??? again the pondering of the endless Mind F.
Keep writing it helps, also, do not let Mr MM suck the life out of you, the best revenge is a good life. big hug,
Gratitude
Ladies….
“This to shall pass.” I know, it sounds as though I’m being flip. I assure you, I am not. Been there and soooo done that! My MM left his wife…. It was more trouble than the actual affair. Loooong story, lol.
We give our hearts so freely to men who do not deserve them….. why not give your heart to YOURSELF! Be your own best friend. What would you tell your best girlfriend to do in this situation????? That is what you absolutely MUST do for yourself. These MM are not “knights in shining armor.” They are cowards. They use us for what they can get and when we get smart enough to start asking questions, they are all to ready to walk away! Nothing new there.
I am grateful that there is a place like this to share our journey’s. I wish all good things and most of all, peace to everyone reading or posting to this forum. My heart is with each and every one of you!!!!
Take care and ((((((((HUGS)))))))))
Chasing
hey chasing,
great note.
I have 2 ask…….. R U still w/ him who left his wife?
cheers,
gratitude
Hi Gratitude,
I am on a self imposed “break” with my unMM. It was ultimately my decision. In the end, I realized that even though wifey was gone, (thanks to divorce) she was always there. Everything that came after, was about “them.” The kids, the family BS, everything “except” me. I was the outsider. I was the homewrecking whore. It didn’t matter that wifey had more men in one night that I ever had in my life….. she was and still is the victim. He shows her more consideration then he does me. All of this after learning that she has cheated on him, stolen from him, and lied to him about practically everything. I am, and will always be “the outsider.” It doesn’t matter how much of myself I give….. it is NEVER enough. Finally, I guess I gave up. No one person is worth my own sanity. Period! I waited 4 long years….. to me, that’s long enough. If he is unwilling/unable to recognize my value…. I don’t need him! What a “boobie prize” he turned out to be, lol.
Take care,
Chasing
Hi Chasing,
Thank you for your update. This is such a great posting site. We do not have to feel alone in our “stuff”
No one is worth selling our souls for. I hope you stay strong, all of us, stay strong.
Take care
may joy fill your being,
Gratitude
Hi Gratitude,
You are more than welcome for the update.
For all of the ladies who find themselves here…. we do have a forum up and running, just waiting for all of the OW out there, looking for a safe place to tell their stories…. it doesn’t matter if you’re involved with or “were” involved with, or “getting over” the MM. We want to hear from you! Lend your support to OTHERS or ask for support for yourselves. We are there to answer whatever questions or doubts you may have….. no judgments or recriminations. Just unbiased advice and support…
Hope to see all of you there….. http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php?sid=6f74bf5f32ca24c7a6107a5deb1eb020
Take care,
Chasing
Hey,
Thank you so much for that comment. I know how you feel about waiting for the day when you dont check your mail or your phone. I still check now, even though I know there is no way on earth it happens. I think, he may still love me, if he ever did, love can not fade. But i guess the truth is that he never had any love to give only to take.
I’m now starting my search for a new job. My fresh start is soon approaching. The thought that you are all also going through the same experiences as me kind of breaks my heart, because this pain is so bad i wouldnt wish it on anyone.
Take care all.
M xxxxx
Wow, so glad to come across this. I’ll tell you all my story. about 8 months ago through a work project I met this man. It was a very interesting meeting and we were really drawn to each other from the begining. I was very cool and careful not to show what was going on in my head. When I got home later that night he called me which I thought was very forward on his part as I think there was a commit made about my husband and I believe he knew I was married. When he called he said you are a very interesting women , but in a very tender almost shy way. Now when I think about it that just sounds like a come on line, but somehow every word he said made me feel special. Now let me explain I get a lot of interest from men but never has any man ever touched that part of me that he did and does.It is like a spritual connection and he says the same thing its like we really know each other. for a month after our first meeting he called menumerous everyday at work. He really got in me and in my head. I really fell hard for him. I’ve been married for 20 years and have children and had been through my husbands midlife crissis but he never had an affair just internet porn and that didn’t help me because he had been so devoted to me for years and worshiped me and it wasn’t really the porn it was the depression, anger, resentment, remorse that he expressed that was like poison to me over a three and a half year period. Before I met the other man in the car on our way out to his business I looked up at the clouds was thinking of my miserible situation with my husband and prayed God I just want to be with someone who really understands me and loves me for who I am the way I am, and someone that I really just get who they are. If this is possible then bring it on my husband doesn’t want to be with me anyway. The other man always says that when he met me that I blew his socks off, that it wasn’t the way I look although he says he noticed that too but it was who I am that he really got and he had never been in the presence of a more female energy and he continually showers me with adoration in the form words which I think he is a master of. After I had known him about 3 weeks he took a trip and when I asked him if it was business he said shyly that he was going to see women and I really didn’t think a lot about it because after all I’m married what right did I have to require anything of him because we were “just friends”. While he was gone he called me numerous times and it was always I miss you can’t wait to see you. This all continued with me even trying to break it off but then when he came to see me all my resolve went out the window, theres this magic when we look in each others eyes. Anyway, we flirted and talked about sex for a couple of months. I did ask him about the other women he told me she was a 4 and half year long distance relationship that he could not see a future with. He sees her every couple months when he goes out on business. I thought well I’m married anyway. He made me feel like I was the only one and funny thing is I know what he says is really true but then again its only words not actions. Finnally we were intimate his performance really wasn’t that great and could tell he was troubled so i did know if maybe performance issues of some sort Anyway I thought maybe he was just nervous. Afterward we took a walk and he very carefully said ” there is something that I have felt really really bad about haven’t told you that I’m engaged.” He explained how disfunctional the relationship is and how confused he is . Again I thought well I’m married too. The one thing I now realize is that He had a choice he knew that I was married where I had no choice I didn’t know he was engaged. See I have been intimate with only two other men in my life and both of them I was married to. I need a lot of security and commitment to be happy in an intimate realionship. Its just the way I am. Anyway I let it slide partly because I just couldn’t let my brain wrap around it at the time. I so wanted my fantasy to be true that we were soul mates and had found each other. We had sex several more times and it was fabulous as we became more comfortable. My husband came home from a vacation with our son and asked about my friend (the other man) He knew we had sex he just felt it in his gut. So I told him the truth because we always had an greement that we would tell each other if there was ever anyone else. He was hurt but took it as a wake up call on our relationship. He began to really romance me, wanted to talk, said he wanted to grow old with me, I was very confused so after about two weeks of all the mental anguish I could take I broke it off with the OM and told him I needed his friendship, He said anything you want and if you need me to just disapear please just tell me. I said no but in my heart I thougt maybe that would be best. I really wanted to try to make things work with my husband but It was so hard. I had changed so much. Any way this is my introduction, thankyou for this outlet, I will post a very short–I promise–ending to this later
Veranda
welcome veranda,
sounds like you have a good husband……… perhaps like you said, he will step up.
keep writing,
cheers,
gratitude
Hey,
Just thought i would tell everyone. I walked into town today! i walked through town for the first time in 4 months!
I was so proud i had to come and tell you all. Having somewhere to know that there is soneone out there knowing how i feel made me able to come and do this.
Thanks
M xxxx
Hi M,
Glad to know you are doing well hang on in there every day will get better beleive me I have been there it was agony at the begining but now I feel that I have my life back ofcourse it is dissapointing things has not been the way we want them to be but again ,it is definetly for the best.
Stay strong , stay always proud .
Lots of love
Fortuna
Why do men who are moving out because of wife nonsense moving on their own and not interested in moving in with the OW? Wouldn’t that be a sign that he doesn’t really want to be with you. Even if you would say no anyway, the point is shouldn’t they at least want to or attempt to move with you first. It’s like the principle of it all.
Hey Miracleiscoming!!
Hi
Am I glad to have stumbled across this site and you guys - who’ve been through or are presently in the same nightmare as me. I was feeling really ‘alone’.
I have friends for support, but their answer is to walk away now if it hurts that much. But I can’t - I realise it can’t go on forever, neither mine or his nerves would take it, so I’ve set a ‘finish point’ - in a couple of months.
I never asked him to leave his wife, I knew he was married when I met him (I’m not proud of that) but I’d kept my feelings under wraps for years. He was the one who contemplated leaving, but as his dad had done the same to him when he was young, he didn’t want to upset his child’s stable home life, he says she is none the wiser that he isn’t happy, if the rows began to affect her well-being he would definitely leave. As far as I can judge he is responsible for most of the child-care, so his departure would have a great impact on her life. Apparently if it wasn’t for her, it would be an open and shut case, he would have left straight off - he says he’s never loved his wife like a man should love a wife.
I just want us to have happy times between now and the end, but in the last week, she has had devastating news and he obviously finds himself having to give her emotional support and watching her suffer over the news of her parents illness, he said if ‘we’ were to come out, that would finish her off - he’s spent time this week musing over what a complete b****** he feels, both to her and to me and says he’s such a nasty person.
He says when/if things change in the future he will find me and if I still want him, he’ll throw himself at me. It’s just the timing is all so wrong! But he is also really worried about the mess I will be in at the end of ‘us’.
I probably haven’t made much sense, just a little bit over emotional at the moment.
Welcome. You make total sense to me, and I was with one who kept saying “the timing, the timing”………… when would it ever be good timing I asked. I called it quits, 2 months in, married, not for me. My heart is still hurting, but staying open, reaching out and giving to others , not collapsing inside too much, but also feeling everything. Powerful.
I miss what I thought we were going to have, but grateful to have been opened to love, it had been years since I had felt so loved. Walking away was the hardest thing, but I know for me, the healthiest and most loving thing, for me and for him.
I wish you the best, glad you found this site, it is so healing knowing we are not alone.
I’m so relieved to have found a site like this for I too am hurting and want to get some of this off my chest.
I met my MM 3 years ago at work. At the time I was still married yet separated in separate bedrooms for the previous 6 years. Yeah, I had alot of truble getting out of this emotionally abusive marriage. And when I met MM, he was so sweet and friendly. It made my going home at night bearable because I could think of MM. First he and I became friends. We went to lunch a couple of times a week. We took walks during our lunch break. In the beginning he complained about his wife and that he wanted to leave her. He said he was in a separate bedroom as well. I told him my situation and things progressed. We were sneaking kisses, and hugs. He seemed to really like me and I started falling for him. During the next 2 years, we were still intimate. He was still married and told me he was concerned about his kids if he divorced. I on the other hand had gathered my strength to start the legal separation at home. During the 3rd year, the house was sold, I moved into my own place, and I had a very sick child to take care of. The 3rd year was hell for me in my personal life with all these things going on and I was not as affectionate or tuned into MM as I had been during the first 2 years. I still had deep feelings for MM but I was beginning to get discouraged with him since he wasnt preparing to leave his wife. As time went on, he told me about family trips…………what the hell……..whats this family trips with the wife? Oh but he was sleeping in a different bed. I believed him but still going on family trips when you didnt care much for your wife. Actually in the beginning, he told me his wife didnt like sex and they hadnt done IT for years. THat should’ve been a clue that that was what he was looking for. Anyway, as I tell it now………the writing is clear as day. You’re vision is blurred when someone is sweet on you. So as the year progressed and I was under alot of stress, I did begin to tell him perhaps he should see other women. What was I thinking? In a way, my mind knew he was staying in his marriage so I wanted to push him away but in my heart I wanted him to stay true to me. In the meantime, we were slightly intimate……only an occasional kiss or hug but I thought it was enough to let him know I still cared. Well, months down the road, he announced to me that he had just spent the weekend with a woman that he recently started dating. Of course I did get angry with him and then he used the lame excuse that I pushed him to date. I told him I was hurt and that I still had deep feelings for him. That week, we tried to see if the original affection and attraction was still there. It was. By the end of the week, I asked him if he was still going to continue to see this other woman………..yes. He told me he still has deep feelings for me but he also has feelings for her(he’s only known this younger woman(10 years his junior) for several dates. He doesnt understand why I want to break off our relationship. He wants both of us. LOL………….I am not a second class citizen and I refuse to be the other woman anymore, let alone the OOW. I really dont think he understands the hurt he’s caused.
Anyway, its only been a couple of days since our last contact, an IM. I have deleted his phone number. I have blocked his IMs. My biggest problem will be not looking at him if we should cross paths at work.
For the rest of you out there wit