When you’re The Other Woman, it will often feel like incredible highs and lows, and at some point, you should and probably will become sick of being in the situation and want to end it with the guy. Like any break up though, breaking up is hard to do unless something so awful happens that it galvanises you. There are a hell of a lot of women in this situation that are readers of this site, and the most common issue is how the hell can they move on? Here I hope that I can help to put any woman who is in this situation on the road to healthier happiness. But first, think about this point first?
Is this a half hearted cry for attention from him which you hope will force his hand into making the decision to be with you? If so, be careful as this is probably still unlikely to happen and if it means you end up staying with him, you’re wasting your own time. Otherise….
1. Be firm and strong.
Be resolute about your decision and immovable. If you really do want to break up with him and you are sick of the situation, he shouldn’t be able to wheedle his way around you. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to get around you. This time he can’t.
2. Make it about YOU, not HIM.
If you put the focus of the break up on him, he can make excuses that he means at the time but probably don’t hold up after the event and he’ll make promises that he means at the time but is also unlikely to keep. Yes, you are breaking up because he can’t give you what you need, want and deserve, however, you’re also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this.
3. Remind yourself that he is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions.
Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy ‘relationship’ that you’re in now.
4. Think of the woman he’s with, the woman that you view as the person who is robbing you of the opportunity to be with your guy as a human being with feelings and strengths and weaknesses just like you. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. Whatever story he has told you about why he’s with both of you, the cold hard truth is that he CHOOSES to be with HER.
5. Is this how you saw a healthy, happy relationship? Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12 months or even in years?
6. Remember that occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years won’t have to be spent waiting for his call or snatching a moment together.
7. Go cold turkey.
If you can afford it, go away for a few days or a week to somewhere nice or go and stay with friends and family. Turn off your phone and let the important people know where you are so that you don’t worry. There should be absolutely no contact.
8. Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you have.
When I speak to women in involved with attached men, whether they realise it or not, they are almost always in a tight routine. After all, keeping things in a tight routine is how he stops himself from getting caught out and fits you into his schedule. You must break the routine. Put it on voicemail or turn off your voicemail but don’t pick up calls. Be out when he calls. Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be out. Be busy. If you think you’ll be tempted to be swayed, change your mobile phone or block his email address.
9. Tell somebody that you trust.
You’d be surprised at how many women act in secrecy which actually further plays into the man’s hands as you are totally at the mercy of whatever he is telling you. A confidante gives you a sanity check but also gives you a rock of support. Choose someone you trust and who can be supportive but tell you that it’s time to quit.
10. Steer clear of dating till you are ready to date. This also protects you from knee jerking into another situation that you may not recognise as being unsuitable due to craving some sort of emotional replacement – there is no progress in ditching a married man for an emotionally unavailable man. There is also no point in dating if it’s a way of passing time in the hope of filling in the gap until the married guy potentially becomes available. The only time you should date is when you are truly ready to move on and the married guy doesn’t figure any longer.
11. Remember that you need time to grieve and heal. There is no quick fix and you don’t feel better immediately. In fact, you’re likely to feel like sh*t in the short-term. You must give it time though. Weather the storm, cold turkey it out and let out the tears and frustration but don’t give in. Your ‘relationship’ is over.
12. See a counsellor or therapist. If you have been in relationships that have a habit of wearing down your self esteem, if you want to understand your relationship patterns, if you feel you need a little extra help or if you feel very low, this is the ideal way of helping you to heal, understand and move on.
13. Address other areas of your life that have suffered whilst you were with the attached guy. No matter what you think, something or someone, or both suffered whilst you focused your energies on your situation. If you let work slide or put off career decisions, prioritise it. If you have neglected friends or family, build bridges. If you have neglected yourself, spend time on you. You have to put the focus back to you if you are truly intent on succeeding. It’s because it’s been all about him why you lasted so long with him in the first place.
14. Yes I’m sure there were happy times, but you need to remember how you REALLY felt when you were with him. Look back at your diary, think back to specifics and there are probably a lot of times when you were lonely, disappointed, insecure, sidelined, teary, clingy, frustrated, angry, too dependent, listless and much more. Put both feet in reality and get real about who you have really been. If you were that happy, you wouldn’t be reading this and you wouldn’t be breaking up. You wouldn’t even want more.
15. Read the stories of women who have played your role of The Other Woman and realise that your situation is not unique, most of the stories of why these men cheat are the same, most of the time it ends in tears, and you, The Other Woman will always play second fiddle as long as you put yourself in this role.
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WOW! Brad K. Your words are very encouraging and so true. I’m going to end things with my MM and my biggest fear is the hurt that I’ll feel when I do. Thank you soooo much for commenting and even though you wrote it for Miss him, your words helped me as well. Miss Him, I’m so proud of you for having the strength to end your relationship. That took a lot of courage and I think you should be proud of the strength you have found. Your biggest revenge will be getting over him. My MM also starts to compliment me, he becomes nicer and plays up on what attracts me the most to him. But somehow this time when I was acting kind of quiet and he started the usual, I just said to myself, here we go again. I’m only sexy when he feels me pulling away. Remember that the holidays are coming up. I honestly can’t spend another holiday season with someone that won’t be there to share special memories with me. I’ve given him more than enough time and so have you. We all deserve #1. I heard a discussion on the radio about being the other woman. The woman said that when your #2, you can’t promote yourself, the man has to do it. Then if you ever get that #1 position, you will have the same thing that #1 has now. A man with another woman. Stay strong and there will be happiness soon.
Hi Faye, I am ok. Have been diagnosed with Angina, all a bit of a shock really, am not surprised with all of the stress I have been through with him over the last few years and also family problems probably 50/50. Am on drugs now to help it and not feeling well, am far too concerned about my kids than MM. Anyway dont think about him so much he rings me to see how i am have not seen him for a while. Funny how something like this puts it into prospective. Wonder if I had not met him would I have got sick? Have always gone after the wrong man. Am looking for a dog now. Hope you are ok and surviving it all, I think that MM and bad relationships do however damage your healthx
Hey guys. My MM who claims to be seperated is still telling me he loves me etc after a month of breaking up and 2 months of being in a different city to him (so no physical contact). I’m not sure if I buy it, what do you think?
however he doesnt want his wife to find out about us so has loads of typical EUM traits, but he also says his wife knows about us he just doesnt want to rub it in her face. I’m actually thinking they do still live together as I called his landline yesterday and guess who picked up?! but his reason for this was that she’s going on holiday so he wants to spend time with his son so she’s staying over… He just seems to have an explanation for everything!!!
I hate being in this situation it’s really brought out traits in me which i did not think existed!
has he ever came back after you caled it quits
Hey Jane:
Run!!! Do what you should have done at the beggining. And everyone on this site. She answered the phone because they are still together. Ask for signed and notarized divorce or settlement papers. Trust your gut instinct on this one. I wish I would have. Don’t blow this opportunity of letting him go. Trust yourself, please.
Dear Sarah:
I’m very sorry to hear about your health. I am happy to hear that you are looking at things differently. Did you break up with your MM prior to finding out about your health? I find myself stressed and emotionally drained. I don’t want to end up with health problems but at this rate, how I could I avoid it. Do you talk to your MM when he calls? I think your right about men though, not sure if there are any good one’s out there. Well please take care of yourself and goodluck on the dog search.
.-= DJ´s last blog ..Family Picture =-.
Hi DJ, love the photo. Thanks for your message. I only found out 2 weeks ago about my angina I am still in shock and trying to get used to the medication. Prior to this his wife found out about us and it was all terrible, just awful, he actually did leave her and come to me but went back again. She has contacted me on facebook but I ignore her now. She was so nasty to me putting comments on the internet about me and contacting my daughter. I can understand her hating me but she has just forgiven her husband like I was 100% to blame. I still had contact with him after this, but when I actually tried to finish with him completely was when I got ill, I might have had a minor heart attack I dont know but I remember that that incident started this. This is after years of stress with him, plus family problems of my own. So I still talk to him and saw him about three weeks ago, but because she found out she watches him 24/7 he says he hates it but yet he still stays with her. Anyway I really dont want him now but continue to talk to him sometimes but feel this will fizzle out in time, but am definately not going to put myself through making major decisions again. Sometimes cutting something off like this is too painful, I dont think its always a black and white situation. I am in my 50s now and think because what has happened to me I will be on my own, guess I blew my chances staying with him so long. But I did have a great time with him, really but honestly never thought we would be together, he is a very very weak man and has not got the balls. I have never given myself an easy time with men. Have no dog yet but am still hoping for a laborador, preferably chocolate. Hope you are ok and surviving in this horrible MM situation. Yes I still love him if I am honest, but what are you going to do!X
Hey everyone:
I think I got my final enough is enough. I have his password to his voicemail and there was a message from another woman saying “Hello, why are you ignoring my calls and text. I asked you to do something for me, you said you would and then you don’t. Is it because I won’t do that other thing with you? That’s not right, I won’t do that either.” I called my apartment asked them to change the lock and I’m texting him after work and telling him that I don’t want to see him anymore, can’t talk about it right now. Please respect my wishes. I know it’s crazy but I feel betrayed and there is no way that message meant anything else but sexual. I’m done!!!!
HI Dj, felt so bad for you, am thinking of you, the pain is awful. Take each day, or each hour at a time, and get help from family, frinends the samaritans are great in the middle of the night if you cant sleep. Keep us posted please x
Hey Sarah:
Thank you soooo much. I really needed your comment this morning. I told him last night. I told him over the phone. He seemed angry at first, then apologized for hurting me. Told me he’ll love me for ever. It kills me that he wouldn’t say I love you when we we’re together but always tells me when I end it. This time is for good. The voicemail was the push I needed to end it and everytime I think about the situation, I think to myself, what a selfish person to have 2 woman and possibly a 3rd. I can’t continue to hurt everytime he walks out the door and stolen moments are no longer enough for me. For now, I’m going to steer clear of men and get myself together, so I can recognize a healthy relationship when it comes my way. I will continue to post because it’s very helpful and sarah if you ever need someone to talk to, email me on my personal email and I’ll give you my number. Don’t want to impose but thought maybe we can help eachother through the healing process. My email is deana@premiereshows.com. Hope to hear from you.
well can you guys tell me what is the best way to end it? Cold turkey, calling telling him that you “wish him the best and that I am sure you will have no problem finding another person to take my place, so good bye and good riddance?” Part of me wants to text or call my guy and tell him he is an a****** and that i wish him the best of luck and to never call me again….but I feel if i do that, he will really know that he has gotten the best of me and my heart.
@ Ta,
A couple of years ago, I read an article about bad mouthing and harsh words. It seems the internet is a small community. Harsh words often come back to haunt you.
There is the specter of wasted breath. If he didn’t care enough to make you happy, if he wasn’t smart enough to figure out he was making you unhappy, then the chances are that there is nothing that you can say now that he will hear and understand. Not only would telling him off be a waste of breath, but you are not his mommy, not his jailer or teacher – you have no right or responsibility to train or correct him. Launching into him, telling him off would just be disrespectful and abusive. While I don’t care whether he has earned himself a plate full of feeling the bad he has dished out, it isn’t good for you to be whacking away on anyone. Good relationships are based on respect; the time to focus on respect and the positive starts right now.
If you are on reasonably cordial terms – tell him you wish him well. Wish him well and goodbye. You are severing a relationship – that means you no longer have any interest in what he does or feels in the next year or month or hour. You want no more ties to him; don’t patronize him, don’t say or think anything about the next person(s) in his life. The best revenge, if you feel the need, is living well. You don’t have to forgive or forget – you will likely grieve losing someone that has been important in your life, regardless of how you part or how happy you were – but you cannot do, wish, or say things about him without making new bonds tying you back to him and the relationship. That has to fade before you will be really ready to move on.
There is a certain amount of respect to yourself and to him, in breaking it off face to face. Some things can be conveyed with body language that reinforce and emphasize the words. There are exceptions – if you fear violence, the right way to break up is a restraining order, which a battered women’s shelter can help you arrange. If there are substance abuse issues, then there usually isn’t much reason to worry about respect – or revenge.
You break up for your own good, for security in your life. You want escape from compromises and mistakes you have made. You need to take care of yourself better than you were able to do within that relationship. From the moment you decide to break up, you no longer have a reason or right to make his life any more hurtful or happy – your first and most important goal is to get settled safely on your own.
You break up because you made a mistake. Either you picked the wrong guy to start with, or you failed to make a lasting relationship. There is little room here for pride. You are telling him goodbye so you can take care of yourself. This is not the time to worry about whether he got the best of you. He failed to make you a happy woman. There is nothing, now, he can do to make that right. No show of one-upmanship can do you any good. This is an occasion of sadness, of loss. Your best hope right now is for relief that it is over, and maybe release of fear about him.
You start working on your own healing and coming to grips with what went wrong and how to proceed more happily – right now. You get to choose how much drama you want to tie to this lost affair, how much more you wish to engage with him about this and that. The least damage and hurt – in either direction – the less healing you will have to overcome.
You might read up on this site, about No Contact. Read about when No Contact is the right thing to do. NC is much stronger than cold turkey – cold turkey, just ducking out without saying anything, is rude. NC is also aggressively defensive – you disable every means he might use to contact you – filter out his emails and text messages so you never know he tried to contact you, change your phone number, move if you need to. NC is about creating a safe time and place to begin massive healing, not something that applies to ant relationship that comes apart. Only you can tell if you or he need the full brunt of NC. Barring that, though, cold turkey seems disrespectful and less than honest.
Luck.
Thanks Brad K. I thank you for all your insights. Well…I did it..I basically told him via text that I didnt want to have to say what I was going to say but that I was officially ending the relationship. That I am sure he could easily find a someone to fill what I was providing and for him to never contact me again. I wished him the best of luck in his life. He responded with “Best of luck. This is for the best. Goodbye ta”. I dont know how to take it…I didnt respond but I didnt know if he really knew it was time to end it or that he didnt care…we’ve tried ending it before but not with me saying dont ever contact me again and then a week later with him saying no it cant end yet. So I am sad…confused…but somewhat relieve…and even angry! I go through all the emotions then I sat and wasted the whole day be sad and depressed….I just think how pathetic..I hope I really will be able to get over it soon so I do not have to waste any more time and energy foolishly.
Commenting will be closed on this post. Please if you want personal advice or to discuss this post further please use the forum. Thank you
@ ta,
I imagine several things are going on.
One is grief. Real grief, the “I lost someone important in my life” kind. The one we really don’t have much control over. Grief that it may help to find someone experienced with grief to help recognize the distinct stages, can help you understand what you are going through.
Grief entails several stages that many people experience – denial that the loss happened,anger at the one now gone, a stage where you believe that you can recover or bargain with the g-ds to get the loved one back, acceptance that the loss is real and forever, and finally healing and turning toward tomorrow. A few days? Hardly. A year or three? Usually not. Grief takes it’s own time, and often cycles through a couple-three times. Every person, every loss is different.
I know that you were enamored of “getting” to him, of throwing that comment about finding another at him – but that is a tie to the future. That implies you are interested in the future, perhaps even that you will be watching. And definitely counts as “fishing”. Fishing, as in, “I am saying goodbye. Now it is your turn – tell me not to go, that you cannot go on without me, that you realize I am really the love of your life.” Fishing, as in, not completely sure you really mean “goodbye”.
And that is another reason you are feeling a bit lost right now. Because you really, really wanted him to see the light and convince you that he will be the man you need, and that you should stay together with him.
There are likely dozens of men that you aren’t sleeping with, for one reason or another. I think that if you decided that this guy has just become another one of them, another guy that you don’t want in your life now or ever, that you won’t care about his reaction.
Who knows what he meant, when you text message? Did he mean that he is being polite, respectful, and accepting your goodbye, keeping his feelings to himself, since you didn’t ask? Did he mean he has been waiting for you to take yourself off of his list of problems? Did he mean he thinks he can have more fun with the time and energy that he doesn’t have to spend on you? Did he mean he was relieved that you won’t be tripping over his new girlfriend(s) or boy toys? It doesn’t matter. Did he mean that, if you didn’t care to break up face to face then the relationship apparently didn’t mean much more to you than it did to him? Who knows.
It appears you are still unsure about whether to break things off or not. You are still counting on that week’s grace period from the past, hoping he will be back. It appears you are using this breakup as a test for him, rather than a decision to take your life and heart away from the relationship with him.
If you want to turn that around, to choose to walk away and to create a wall between him and your heart, you need to stop worrying about what he says and does, or might say and do. Stay busy so you don’t waste *too* much time second guessing yourself. Maybe make a list of reasons you need him gone, so that you can heal and be available if someone suitable comes along, and keep that handy for times you get to wondering and worrying.
And I might consider canceling the text messaging service. Especially between friends and family, text messages leech so much meaning out of the message. Phone is better, but face time is way best. I mean, no one ever got a hug over the phone – or texting.
Luck.
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