When you’re The Other Woman, it will often feel like incredible highs and lows, and at some point, you should and probably will become sick of being in the situation and want to end it with the guy. Like any break up though, breaking up is hard to do unless something so awful happens that it galvanises you. There are a hell of a lot of women in this situation that are readers of this site, and the most common issue is how the hell can they move on? Here I hope that I can help to put any woman who is in this situation on the road to healthier happiness. But first, think about this point first?
Is this a half hearted cry for attention from him which you hope will force his hand into making the decision to be with you? If so, be careful as this is probably still unlikely to happen and if it means you end up staying with him, you’re wasting your own time. Otherise….
1. Be firm and strong.
Be resolute about your decision and immovable. If you really do want to break up with him and you are sick of the situation, he shouldn’t be able to wheedle his way around you. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to get around you. This time he can’t.
2. Make it about YOU, not HIM.
If you put the focus of the break up on him, he can make excuses that he means at the time but probably don’t hold up after the event and he’ll make promises that he means at the time but is also unlikely to keep. Yes, you are breaking up because he can’t give you what you need, want and deserve, however, you’re also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this.
3. Remind yourself that he is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions.
Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy ‘relationship’ that you’re in now.
4. Think of the woman he’s with, the woman that you view as the person who is robbing you of the opportunity to be with your guy as a human being with feelings and strengths and weaknesses just like you. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. Whatever story he has told you about why he’s with both of you, the cold hard truth is that he CHOOSES to be with HER.
5. Is this how you saw a healthy, happy relationship? Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12 months or even in years?
6. Remember that occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years won’t have to be spent waiting for his call or snatching a moment together.
7. Go cold turkey.
If you can afford it, go away for a few days or a week to somewhere nice or go and stay with friends and family. Turn off your phone and let the important people know where you are so that you don’t worry. There should be absolutely no contact.
8. Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you have.
When I speak to women in involved with attached men, whether they realise it or not, they are almost always in a tight routine. After all, keeping things in a tight routine is how he stops himself from getting caught out and fits you into his schedule. You must break the routine. Put it on voicemail or turn off your voicemail but don’t pick up calls. Be out when he calls. Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be out. Be busy. If you think you’ll be tempted to be swayed, change your mobile phone or block his email address.
9. Tell somebody that you trust.
You’d be surprised at how many women act in secrecy which actually further plays into the man’s hands as you are totally at the mercy of whatever he is telling you. A confidante gives you a sanity check but also gives you a rock of support. Choose someone you trust and who can be supportive but tell you that it’s time to quit.
10. Steer clear of dating till you are ready to date. This also protects you from knee jerking into another situation that you may not recognise as being unsuitable due to craving some sort of emotional replacement – there is no progress in ditching a married man for an emotionally unavailable man. There is also no point in dating if it’s a way of passing time in the hope of filling in the gap until the married guy potentially becomes available. The only time you should date is when you are truly ready to move on and the married guy doesn’t figure any longer.
11. Remember that you need time to grieve and heal. There is no quick fix and you don’t feel better immediately. In fact, you’re likely to feel like sh*t in the short-term. You must give it time though. Weather the storm, cold turkey it out and let out the tears and frustration but don’t give in. Your ‘relationship’ is over.
12. See a counsellor or therapist. If you have been in relationships that have a habit of wearing down your self esteem, if you want to understand your relationship patterns, if you feel you need a little extra help or if you feel very low, this is the ideal way of helping you to heal, understand and move on.
13. Address other areas of your life that have suffered whilst you were with the attached guy. No matter what you think, something or someone, or both suffered whilst you focused your energies on your situation. If you let work slide or put off career decisions, prioritise it. If you have neglected friends or family, build bridges. If you have neglected yourself, spend time on you. You have to put the focus back to you if you are truly intent on succeeding. It’s because it’s been all about him why you lasted so long with him in the first place.
14. Yes I’m sure there were happy times, but you need to remember how you REALLY felt when you were with him. Look back at your diary, think back to specifics and there are probably a lot of times when you were lonely, disappointed, insecure, sidelined, teary, clingy, frustrated, angry, too dependent, listless and much more. Put both feet in reality and get real about who you have really been. If you were that happy, you wouldn’t be reading this and you wouldn’t be breaking up. You wouldn’t even want more.
15. Read the stories of women who have played your role of The Other Woman and realise that your situation is not unique, most of the stories of why these men cheat are the same, most of the time it ends in tears, and you, The Other Woman will always play second fiddle as long as you put yourself in this role.
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DJ, your therapist is right
Focus on the positive. There is a huge world out there outside of MM. It’s hard to see at first, because MM has been your main focus for so long. There is so much life to be lived and so much happiness to be had. Heartbreak makes it hard to feel this way, but it will fade away soon enough. Please remember that him “getting over you” in no way indicates that you are a person who can easily be forgotten and tossed aside. Just appreciate that when he finally lets go, this is actually a GREAT thing for you. You’re free to find true happiness and love now, because you’re no longer stuck with this emotional vampire of a man. I may not have been capable of really loving you, or his wife, but if it is any condolence- I don’t think that he really loves himself either. He’s very selfish, yes, but I really doubt that he is capable of any kind of love at all. If he really loved himself, he would be happy within himself, and he wouldn’t need to ruin the lives of other people in order to temporarily boost his self-esteem. Keep staying on track. You deserve better than him and you know it. 
By I, I meant *he may not have been capable…
ha ha. Oops.
Hi ladies,
It has been over a month since my relationship ended and I am still having some quite bad days… Yes, I know I must be strong, I know, I am trying very very hard…. But so many things were left unexplained, I still feel the urge to meet him for one final, absolutely final clarification…. I know, I read NML’s posts about the dangers of doing so, but the bad days are very very bad….. When we e-mail, he sounds like a perfect stranger — nice and polite, but not more than that….
Anastasiaya,,
Why are you e-mailing? Is he still with his family?
Hi Gaynor, Yes of course, he is with his family and this is the way it will remain, it is probably better this way. It is just unbearably hard for me, and even though I am trying to do all the ‘right’ things for myself, it is still tough. The ‘no contact’ appears to be much easier for him than for me, for whatever reason (well, after all, he has his little boy). I wonder how much longer I will be feeling this pain. I know nobody can predict that in advance, but still….. And I am usually SO strong….. helping others…. and here I am, totally helpless, again…
Anastasyia,
You’re only prolonging the pain by remaining in contact, the only way you can move on is by going complete NC.
I think if we believe ourselves to be weak we are weak, it’s very important to try and change this mindset. We can do whatever we set our minds to!
Gaynor,
I guess there are just days when it is more difficult. Maybe it is natural, I do not know. Of course we can do whatever we decide to do, but the process of healing is painful, and at the moment I am in that shaky mood where I am having trouble setting my mind to positive things and still catch myself thinking (though I forbade myself to do that!) what a stupid thing I am, for having ended it, that even though it did hurt when we were together, what I have to endure now is just so much worse. Is it natural that some days are exceptionally difficult, and others are better?
Ana,
I understand it’s difficult, it was difficult for all of us, this is not something that cannot and will not be overcome. Go back and remember who and what you were prior to meeting this man? Is that person different now? How has your self-esteem been effected? Do you see any positives from this relationship?
What was it that brought you to the point of recognizing that you needed and deserved more in the relationship? How long were you together? How long has he been married?
No more questions.
Gaynor,
We were together for over 3 years. He has been married for 24 years. This man honestly and genuinely did everything in his power not to make me feel ‘an addition.’ What brought me to the decision that I needed more – simply because 1) this was still a relationship based on cheating, and even if his wife did not appear to mind, he was still married and his first and natural responsibility was towards his family, not towards me – I realised this at a point when I was feeling pretty lonely but he could not be there for me because there were practical things to be taken care of at home. Fair enough, but it also made me realise, more acutely than ever, that I was virtually alone; and 2.) because he clearly assumed that we are “together,” and that I should act based on this assumption, – while it was obvious that in all practical and daily matters he was with his wife and his family. Again, fair enough, but there was a definite lack of balance there. So it just ended….
Ana,
If he had done everything to “honestly and genuinely” incorporate you into his life, he would have left her.
I’m curious how did you know that the wife “did not appear to mind?” This seems see to be a repeating theme here where the married man’s wife ‘seems’ to be open to this type of arrangement. It’s only when the man ‘tries’ to leave the marriage that she freaks out. Doesn’t make sense??
Glad to hear you’re out of this no-win situation.
Gaynor,
I only know that his wife is a very unusual person, emotionally — somebody who has never ever felt jealousy. I really cannot say more than that. I also know that he did tell her he would rent a place by himself. He did not lie in this.
I wonder how some women manage to stay friends with their ex-MM’s. I think it would have a disastrous effect on me. Some people tell me I am stupid to lose him as a friend, but I just would not be able to handle that.
At the moment, I also feel like I will hardly ever have enough emotional power to build a new, normal relationship. There is such a long way to go, so much strength that must be put into this. And yes, I am afraid I must confess that now, at moments of weakness, I do wish I had stayed with him just the way it was.
Ana,
You’re going by what he’s telling you. How do you know he was going to rent a place? Do you expect him to say how much damage and hurt he is causing her by being involved in an extra-marital affair. As I mentioned earlier, this to be a “repeating theme” with these men to make you believe that that the affair is acceptable by all. The whole scenario is a big lie!!!!
Why didn’t he leave her if he is so unhappy?
Oh God, women stay friends with the ex-MM? Why??? These guys are just lying cheats and have nothing to offer anyone, I think it would be quite masochistic to remain ‘friends’ with one of these creeps, I mean what is there to be gained?
Ana, trust me, you will get over this guy and see him for who he truly is, you need to give it time.
I hope so much I will get over him. I am scared. It is like a huge, black empty hole inside my heart, my body. Yes, I know we are strong women, independent women, caring, we really are, otherwise we wouldn’t be here, helping each other. But HOW LONG does this process take? It just cannot go on indefinitely, can it? I work, I function, I go out with friends, nobody can tell by looking at me what I am going through – but oh if they only knew what it costs me….
I ended it with my mm almost three months ago. What I am having difficulty with is the rejection. I feel like I am not good enough, that I am unworthy in some way. That he could have an affair with me but did not choose to be with me. I don’t know how I can feel so inferior to him. No one understands because they think of him as not good enough for me but I feel the opposite.
I know it is self esteem but I always get caught up in the fact that it doesn’t matter that I don’t want him anymore but it matters so much that he does not care that I left him.
Hi Anastasiya, you should be so proud of yourself for making it this far. I have not broken up with my MM yet but I know I’m going to. I believe you are stronger than you give yourself credit. It’s easier for them because their men. Woman seem to be more involved emotionally then men. It probably bothers him more than you know. I started seeing a therapist and she recommended focusing on the positive of not being with him, so here are just a few to think about, You won’t be breaking plans or changing your plans because he can meet up with you. You will no longer be 2nd. You will no longer question your self worth, you will no longer wait for his phone calls and trust me he will suffer when he see’s your strength. He doesn’t deserve you and as soon as you heal, you are going to realize it too. Trust me the wife does mind. Just imagine, if you we’re married to him, would you let him have a girlfriend? I feel the same way you do. I don’t feel worthy and I feel the worst about myself than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. We are worthy and the only asshole that doesn’t see it, is the one we seem to be in love with. Just ask Sharmuta and Been There. They have been through it and they feel better. Stay strong and focus on the times he hurt you and not the good times, because I’m sure the bad out weigh the good. Leeanne It’s not rejection. Try to imagine he can’t have you. Be proud of yourself for making it three months. You are so amazing and there is someone out there that will be worshiping the ground you walk on. Ladies, my prayers go out to you and I hope everyone has a peaceful evening, tear free.
Ana,
The most important thing now is that you get your self-esteem back. Once again you will recognize what a vibrant, intelligent and beautiful woman you are who is deserving of someone who can give you 100% of himself, and none of this other nonsense.
Remember, you had a life before this clown and you will have one after, just try to keep yourself very busy. I got involved in many new activities after I split with the creep, not only did I find new interests but made a lot of new friends. I am much happier and stronger that I have ever been, so I suppose there was a benefit to that ridiculous ‘relationship.’
The funny thing is I guess the reason I feel rejected and not good enough is because I have ended it in the past and he has come back. This is the longest stretch of time that we have been apart and I don’t think he will be back. So I feel rejected. I would not take him back but I still feel rejected. Ughh
Ana- His wife is not a “strange person emotionally who never feels jealousy.” The way my MM phrased it, his wife too was emotionally “off” and “cold” and was only focused on raising their daughter so she didn’t care about what was going on in the marriage. Your MM is trying to make it seem like what the two of you are doing to his wife is acceptable, when it is not. He is likely trying to convince himself of this as much as he is trying to convince you. And if it is true that she does not get jealous, perhaps she is a person who actually TRUSTS her partner. Maybe when he says that he is “working late” etc., then she believes him. But I assure you, if she IS fully aware of your true relationship then she is probably hurt by it. In denial maybe, or perhaps she won’t get angry with him because she wants their relationship to stay happy. But unless/until you sit down and talk with this woman yourself, and she tells you FROM HER OWN MOUTH that she does not get jealous and she approves 100% of your relationship, then you are better off assuming that she is NOT fine with it, and that this arrangement hurts her the same way it would hurt any other woman who gets cheated on. In any case, MM has still shown that he does not have the capacity to love any woman enough to be fully committed to them. You or her.
Who the heck is telling you to stay friends with him!? DON’T! What an awful idea (sorry, had to be said). The whole reason your relationship with him doesn’t work is because he is someone who can’t be trusted. Would you be friends with anyone else who you couldn’t trust? Not likely. Plus, remaining in contact and close proximity isn’t going to give you the distance you need to move forward in your life, in a direction that takes you far away from him and on to better opportunities.
The biggest self-esteem boost you can get right now is by rejecting the man who has been manipulating you for the entire duration of your relationship. Breaking up with him and getting away takes the power away from him, and puts it in your hands. Heartbreak is painful, and is something we like to avoid at all costs. But hearts heal, and when yours does, it will be wiser and stronger. Don’t let the fear of heartbreak prevent you from ending this nonsense with your MM. Don’t think of heartbreak as a barricade, think of it as a door. You can and will get through it.
Sharmuta, Gaynor, DJ,
Thanks for all your support. You may be right about the wife, I guess. But whatever there was really happening, I have learnt my lesson – the hard way. The problem is that it was the first time in my life where I met a person with whom I felt so close; having got out of this, with all the obvious advantages (which it will take me time to see, but hopefully not too long), I feel like I am grieving over having lost something really precious…..
Anyway, ladies, I guess one thing we should all remember is that we all got hurt exactly because we have the capacity to love, because we can genuinely care — and these are good qualities. They are to be cherished. We should never ever forget that. If I ever feel that I have enough power to build another (normal) relationship, I hope this knowledge will help me.
I wish all of us strength.
Does anyone here believe that a married man can love his mistress and not be with her becuase of his children?
No! If he loves you he will leave. Marriages (with children) break up everyday, so I do not see how this is an obstacle.
Bereft,
I think this was my situation, though. The man was attached to the child the way a mother would usually be; the child was attached to him more than he was attached to his mother…. Whenever the father would leave him even for a couple of nights, he would develop fears and anxieties etc.
Ana & Bereft,
Sorry, but you’re not smelling the coffee!
Bereft, didn’t you say there was a considerable age difference between you and your MM, if that’s the case, then how old are these kids?
I agree with Gaynor. So are we to believe that divorced men don’t love their children as much as men who stay in their marriages (but cheat) do? It’s called “shared custody.” He can fight for that in court. Getting a divorce does not mean that he will never see his kids again. He is using that as an excuse to stay married, because the situation works for him and he LIKES staying married. It does not benefit the children to grow up watching their parents participate in a dysfunctional marriage. He is staying married for himself, because he likes having a wife AND a girlfriend. It has nothing to do with the kids, and everything to do with his selfishness.
People stay in marriages for a variety of reasons…..in my case I had a friend who clued in my innocent married brain – that my husband (now ex) hid behind our marriage so he could go out and prowl yet still have an upstanding status within his work and social society. Also gave him an excuse for NOT getting involved if he needed an excuse……
JuJu,
How nice! What a creep!!!! Love these cheating, lying married men!!
Did he lose his social circle when it came out?
Is he is still incapable of having a relationship with anyone today, or is he still an ass?
Gaynor! You probably get more information out of me than my therapist!
He was actually a wonderful partner – temporarily. He left me for a woman who was married at the time. She promptly got pregnant. My feeling about the whole thing was ‘better her than me’. I think he is still with her – but under what guise? He was a functional alcoholic but lost his very high paying job and after he left me, he was fired and opened a restaurant where I imagine he spends Fri/Sat nights drinking the profits and talking his talk. His social circle was really his work circle when I was with him – and what a bunch of high paid babies they were! He was the type of man that would pack his suitcase and move in with you if he thought it would give him a change or a life he couldn’t create himself. I was with him for 11 years which is probably a good run for him. I had to take him to court to divorce me – he was a head in the sand kind of guy – ‘if I don’t deal with it, eventually it will go away’. Next!!
Juju,
I’m sorry for the betrayal, it’s not fair. Sounds like you had to deal with a lot but are handling it quite well.
Were there any indications that he was leading this double life (alcohol and women) or was he a pro at covering everything up? It’s so funny that once you’ve been removed from a situation you realize that all the comments and actions that you let slip were quite significant to who this individual truly was, unfortunately we can’t go back in time.
How long have you been divorced?
It took three years to get him to divorce – I wasn’t in any hurry about it either. I knew about the alcohol but he always seemed OK (thus ‘functional’) so there was never any ‘he’s an alcoholic’. I had never been around big drinkers
The woman situation was one that I did not detect until the love making slowly disappeared. The one morning I faced him off he decided to leave. He would have hung in there as long as I didn’t say anything……There may have been one woman, there may have been many. He was very loving and attentive until the split – and even after. I think he didn’t know what direction he wanted to go in – thus the history of packing of the bag and moving on to a different life. He left me with everything we had at the time of the split. Things could have been a lot worse.
And as far as “all the comments and actions” are concerned – I look back on things (only occasionally – the divorce was 5 yrs ago) and I have to question everything he said to me – all the stories, the actions, the motivations. It’s tragic since I have to look at my relationship with him, my life and that time with him as tantamount to a lie. It sucks. Actually I have come to the conclusion that he had to think to tell the truth – lies came so easily to him. In fact, when he went into therapy, the therapist asked him if he would agree to tell the truth and my exh said ‘is lying by omission lying?”
How do you deal with that?
But all these years later and after the love that was there in the marriage in the beginning, I don’t hold any grudges and only wish him happiness with the path he has chosen (honestly!)
And then I get involved with the current (ex) AC who was not a patch on my ex and I painted myself into a corner. You would think I would know better and would have learned a few lessons. But all relationships are different and perhaps the distance of time dealing with my EXH faded my ability to see the red flags. No, that’s a lie. I tolerated recent ex’s AC behavior from the beginning. I was lonely, alone and needed companionship. I certainly will never make that mistake again
Sharmuta, Gaynor,
Unfortunately (since it would be so much easier to be able to say ‘what a bastard he is and would not leave his wife because it is more comfortable etc.’), in my case it is simply the truth that he could not leave because of the child (there were, of course, other aspects to it as well, but the child was the major focus of attachment) — even though there would never be any court problems etc., he would always be able to be with the boy as much as he liked. It is too complicated to explain here, way too complicated, but I guess what I am trying to say is that each situation is, indeed, different from what we would recognise as the ‘general pattern,’ and while it is important that we be able to identify the patterns in our own and others’ behavior, I think it is just as important to see the singularity in each given case….
Bereft,
If the children are grown-up, it is different, of course….
Ana, I know that each story is different but I am having trouble imagining a situation that is so different that a cheating father would be the preferred choice to an honest and divorced father. In my situation there were citizenship issues, drama with the in-laws, and all sorts of things where the “welfare” of MM’s child was at stake and contingent upon him staying on his wife’s good side. But no matter how complicated he tried to make it seem, he DID have control of the situation. 99.9% of the reason he stayed in that marriage, was because HE was benefiting from it. The more “complex” he could make it seem, the more confused an unaware I would be about what was really going on, and so I would stay with him with the hopes that these issues were going to clear up soon. In the meantime, he had gained a lot of sympathy from me for having to deal with such a complicated situation, and I trusted that as soon as “the situation was different” he would get legally divorced. In my case, this was simply not true.
There is something about how you say “it is too complicated to explain here, way too complicated” that makes me sense you are not being completely honest with yourself. You can put down a lot of words in these responses, so it’s not like you will run out of space to explain what is going on. I understand too, if you feel uncomfortable sharing certain things. But my hunch is that it could be possible you are experiencing some denial and are making excuses for him because it’s what you want to believe. Obviously, without hearing your story I can’t know this. However, I don’t think it would hurt for you to take a step back and just really make sure that you aren’t simply repeating and trying to validate the excuses that he has been giving you.
Sharmuta,
Thanks for your reply. I must say a lot of your insights, and the thoughts you posted here, are really helpful – not just to me, but I think to all of us.
As for the child-related part of my situation — it is just that, as I said in one of my pervious posts, the father was, in actual life, the “mother figure”. As simple as that. In everything. Also: the child was born when the father was 48 – and immediately became the focus of the father’s world. Plus, of course, the completely dependent wife — but that is a different issue altogether (except that, when I realised the actual degree of dependence, it made me feel horribly guilty).
However, I could not agree more with your suggestion to take a step back and to reassess the whole situation — if only in order not to make the same mistakes again and again, to be completely honest with myself about what it is I want. Up until now, my problem has been that I have never really paid enough attention to my own wishes and desires. But apparently these are important, too….
Ana,
You said to look at each case individually but actually the excuses he’s making are VERY common. Isn’t this the guy who also said his wife didn’t care if he fooled around? C’mon! Look at the other posters stories they all see to replicate your ‘particular’ situation.
I think by accepting his excuses you’re able to excuse away your own decision of a poor choice of a partner. When we truly face the truth re. our decisions-and not believe their foolishness- is when we are able to truly recover and move on to someone who is healthy and available, and deserving of our company.
Gaynor,
Well, maybe, — it doesn’t really matter now anyway. As for the poor choice of partners — you are absolutely right here, this is why I have made an appointment with a counselor, which will hopefully take place tomorrow, and I hope it will be helpful…. As I already said in another section of this blog, I would be grateful if any of the ladies here could share their experiences in this respect, whether counseling really helped, to what extent it was constructive.
Thank you.
Ana,
Counseling helped me most by 1) Helping me to get over my feelings of guilt and stupidity for having been the “other woman” and 2) Helped me to focus on what I DO want in relationships. When I finally figured out what qualities I did want in a man (faithful in relationships, gives me appropriate amounts of time and attention, free from past relationships, etc.), I realized that my MM did not really fit that description (which made getting over him a little easier). Wish you lots of luck! You are headed in the right direction by talking with a counselor, let us know how it goes!
Sharmuta, ladies,
A short report from my first counseling session: I think it was constructive, though also difficult. The bottom line is that in my case what apparently happened is that this relationship, exactly because the man was responsible and caring, taught me to respect myself and take myself, and my own needs, seriously, but since I had never actually voiced my own needs before, I simply did not know how to do it now, so when I found myself not wanting to be the other woman any more, I ended up feeling frustated and guilty and what not. But it was the first time I actually ALLOWED myself to feel this way, and to act upon it… We will now work on how the negative pattern (of ending up with wrong partners) can be broken, while the positive aspects of being able to connect with myself) are strengthened.
Hi Ladies,
I am in a situation similar to all of ur own. I met a married man at my job which happened to be my boss. When he first arrived, I wasnt to interested in him or better yet didnt pay any attention to him. Although he came off as the cool boss type and made you feel very comfortable with him. As months progressed and my life started to fill up with bulls**t, I started to confide in him and ask for daily life advice being that he was older. So the more we chatted the more we both started becoming physically attracted to each other. I remember telling one of my bestfriends how I thought he was so hot and that I wouldnt mind given him a try even though I knew he was married. So I finally got up the nerve to speak about how I wanted to “mess” with him to him. But I definitely didnt know his reponse would be that he wanted to as well. So we talked about this issue and he laid down rules obviously he wasnt new to the game like I was being that I am only 21 and hes 15 years older. He said to me ” Dont expect me to leave my wife” and I said fine because I only wanted to have one night with him and thats all. So we had our one night which turned into 3 and 4 and 5 nights and so on. Our relationship started to enter into months, and it felt good to be with someone who actually was into me because I tend to get into horrible relationships. So months went on then I started to feel myself fall in love with this guy and I told him and his response was the same as mines. I questioned how he could be in love with two people and he said that he had love for his wife but fell out of love with her and was in love with me. My gullable a** fell for it. By the time month 4 came around I started to feel like I was being a homewrecker and which I was. And I started to try to branch off and talk to other people but would always have Him in mind. Whenever I would get a text, he would make comments about me having another boyfriend and it would turn into a little arguement. My answer would always be why are you worried your married. Then he would go on to say if I want to talk to someone else just let him know and he would leave me alone and gave me plenty of opportunities to leave, but I would always stay. My thing is why should he get to have his cake and eat it too. He would go on to say how hes not happy at home and how hes just staying with her because he couldnt afford the house on his own. So I stayed, just out of fear of being alone. So recently I finally decided I needed to break away and tried to do so. I did it at a very bad time when he was also having problems at work. He tried to make it seem like I all I cared about was myself and that when he needed me I wasnt there. Basically he made me feel guilty that I wanted to leave and stated that he was going to be lonely after all. What is a girl to do?? It seem like im caught up in a cycle??
Kim-
I think you know that you can get a better, more honest man than this. My first bit of advice would be to seek out counseling ASAP, not just to figure out how to best manage this situation (since you work together), but mainly because you said that you tend to get into “horrible relationships.” You’ve probably figured out that this one is no better. Yes, you do seem like you are caught up in a cycle of dating partners who are no good for you.
I’m not trying to make you feel guilty here, but in your situation you knew that he was married and was not planning on leaving his wife but wanted to hook up with him anyway. You should ask yourself why you might have first let that happen. Was it an isolated incident of selfishness fueled by the adventure of doing something you know you’re not supposed to do? Or was it maybe a sign as to how you view yourself in other relationships- as someone who is only worthy of a one night stand, as someone who is not worthy of having a faithful partner who loves you and only you.
You have a lot of mess to deal with since you two are work together. Talking with a counselor about the best way to distance yourself from him would be a good idea. Don’t let him guilt you into staying! You made a mistake, you realized it was a bad idea, and now you are doing the right thing and trying to get out of it. You should feel really good about yourself for taking that step, it isn’t easy. He is wrong when he says that all you care about is yourself (and like he has any right to play that card!). You are putting the welfare of his family ahead of your own feelings for him, that is a very kind, difficult, and brave thing of you to do. His loneliness is HIS problem to work through, not yours.
I was 23 when I met my 34 year old MM, so I know how strong the attraction to the older man can be at our age. 21 year old guys aren’t usually as mature as we would probably like them to be, so to find someone who can offer us advice and who we can admire, feels very unique and wonderful. It can be a hard thing to let go of after you’ve experienced it. Don’t worry that if you let this MM go that you won’t be able to find a man who you can confide in and look up to. Though they can be hard to find in your early 20′s, there are other mature and still unmarried men out there. Maybe you should also figure out which qualities of his were so appealing that you thought it would be worth all the risk to go after him. Make a list of the qualities you liked about him, and then you can start to look for those qualities in unmarried men.
Trust your gut. Don’t let him guilt you into staying- leaving him is the best thing you could possibly do for his family and for yourself (and ultimately, even him). Be proud of that, and write back if you ever feel like you need some extra support. Wish you the best! You’ll get through this.
Thank you so much sharmuta for the advice… One of the good things about this situation is that we no longer work together but the bad thing is we still are in contact with each other.. I just wish it never came to this because now my feelings are all messed up…But ur advice definitely help its nice to know that their is someone else who has been in a situation like mines. And what is such a coincedence is that I am going to a therapist but it wasnt planned for this situation but i guess this is one more topic to bring up and discuss. I will keep you posted on the news
So it turns out that “Mr. Perfect” emotionally available guy cheated on me. After leaving his email open on my computer, I checked some emails between him and a girl I had been a little suspicious of, but had given him the benefit of the doubt on. She lived across the country, and they had never done anything physically, but the emails were flirtatious and of a sexual nature. They were on going for months. He never mentioned me to her. He and I were VERY much a serious couple at the time he wrote them, physically and emotionally, and I was definitely his “girlfriend” at the time that their interactions had first begun to turn inappropriate.
After confronting him, he admitted to everything and said that their correspondence had started platonically before he and I had dated, and when it became clear that she was interested in him, he flirted back and was not honest about being in a relationship. I guess shortly after he left for school in London, he cut things off with her and admitted to her that we were dating. He realized that if he continued to correspond with her, they would be having basically the same relationship that he was having with me long-distance. She was very upset with him and hasn’t really spoken to him since.
Do I dump his ass over this, or take him back conditionally?
Ugh. I am so hurt, disgusted and betrayed. F*@K my life.
Sharmuta,
C’mon, Girl, the writing is on the wall! The guy has already cheated on you emotionally-that you know of- why would you give him a second chance? It’s time to stop this self-abusing behavior. Take control!!!
Sharmuta,
I want to add that I’m sorry your were betrayed by this man. The one positive that you can come away with is that you are not willing to tolerate this bad behavior again. I hope?????
What does he mean that she “hasn’t really spoken to him since?”
I would like for his wife to know about him cheating. I dont wanna be the one to tell her. ONe of my girlfriends said she would call his wife anonymously. Is this a good idea? I think she needs to know what an asshole he is!!!
Hi fellow women….I so need support right now, ive been in an unhealthy relationship with a married man that lives 256 miles away from me..It all began one lonely summers day i some how stumbled across a chat site on my mobile phone, anway just by chance started chatting regulary to this guy who i belived divorced it went on for 5 mths we had so much in common and became really good friends..then i met him and that was it! hook line and sinker we spent 4 nights together and from that moment i knew he was the one for me, i should have had alarm bells ringing when he called me jane in bed but i just brushed it aside, i mean he was married for 12 years..lol..the monday morning he was due to return home he told me he was still married and that he was in love with me..i told him to get out and burst into tears!! back on the motorway home he sobbed hes heart out begging me to give him a chance..foolishly i said leave her tonight and go to your mums and we have a chance, he left.. he came back down the following week and we fell back into each others arms..within 2 weeks he was back at the marital home!! i was mortified, he explained that he couldnt stay at hes mums due to personal reasons, i then gave him an ultimatum her or me!! he left her and moved in with me.. i was on a high..within 5 weeks and the wife saying she was going to stop him seeing hes only 12 yr old son and also claiming she would kill herself he went home..within 2 weeks he was txting me again, i was really strong and severed contact but then he pleaded and said he went home for the wrong reasons. he started visiting every weekend, i met hes son..hes mum and grandparents i really felt i was part of a family and things were taking off for us, then within 6 weeks hes wife told her son she had found a lump in her breast and thought she had cancer and was going to die!! hes son came to visit broke down and begged hes dad to come home…he left me and my 6 yr old son again…during the last 7 mths we have been in touch by email he claims he loves me but needs to be near hes son and the distance is a massive factor!! this week i travelled to hes home town booked myself into a hotel with a view to finding a property near him. we met and instantly all those feelings came back!!.one night he came to see me and spent 6 hours together no intimacy took place but we talked and talked and he wanted to stay..i felt empty when he went back home but also realised he had hes family waiting for him, the next night hes wife had a huge argument with him obviously not happy with him being late home, he rang upset..the morning i was due to go home he left earlier than usual so he could come and say goodbye, he told me to promise id stay in touch to which i agreed to..we kissed and he left, i went to my hotel room collected my belongings and left for the bus station, those 256 miles seemed thousands i cried every mile!!! i got home to my eldest daughter and broke down in a heap, that night i cried myself to sleep..he contacted me by facebook and i ignored it, the next morning he rang i to ignored it. now i need help im in a mess..please give me your views …thanks
hello ladies,
i’ve been with a married man 4 12 years now and coming to an end and i feel truly like s**t why! I was 27 years old he was 42. went to family reunions met his adult children and went on several vacations, but once the money stopped being available i was the bad guy. Truly truly in love with him but i must now start loving myself more and never ever let his happen again.
love to here from others.
Suparsta and Keisha,
Please dont waste your time any longer!!! My sister was with her MM for four years, and he promised and promised…but in the end he decided to stay with his “useless” wife. If they really loved you, they would find ways to be with you… Stay strong ladies!
I have been reading all the posts here and I am so glad I found this site. I could really use a few “friends” and some new perspective on my horrible, shameful situation.
I am married, 15 years, never had an affair, never went looking for it, love my husband and children. We have been friends with a couple that lives two doors down from us on our street for 6 years. The man left his wife unexpectedly and they separated for about a year (then he returned because of the kids). During that time, he approached me and said that he had cared about me for a long time. I laughed it off. But he was bold and “wanted” me and tried to see me, call me, etc for 2 years. I avoided him for 2 years. He even tried to come over during the day (I work at home) on his lunch and I would stay in with the lights off to avoid him. I was attracted to him and did not want to betray my husband. Well our famlies had a falling out related to our kids and didn’t speak for two years. Well last July, he walked down to my house and apologized over and over (the incident was their fault) and said he missed me and has loved me for 4 years!!! Well this is complicated, but during the 2 years that we didn’t speak, I fervently prayed to God that he would apologize for the incident, as I was so hurt and it affected the friendship between our kids. So when he apologized, I thought that God had answered my prayer and when he started laying on his love for me, in my mind, I thought that maybe it was a sign that since that has been going on so long, it was worth exploring. Confusing I know. So, we began a relationship. It lasted 7 months. He was great at first, very attentive, etc. Then after the first couple months, the real “him” started coming out. 95 % of our relationship was a texting relationship. He always had excuses why he couldn’t see me. He didn’t treat me well at all, he was mentally abusive and sometimes verbally abusive. We only had sex 3 times. He is 16 years older than me and I worried that he needed validation from a younger woman because of his age. I told him at the beginning I wasn’t interested in a fling. He told me that he only moved back in with his wife because of the kids. He told me that he didn’t love her or want her and didn’t sleep with her or have sex with her. He said he wanted a future with me. Things went down hill from there. He never left her. He was the type of guy that “cut me off” when he felt like it for days at a time. He didn’t want to discuss his private affairs with me, and didn’t want me to voice my opinion, didn’t value me or my feelings or opinions. Well the last fight we had, he said he had some decisions to make and wouldn’t tell me anything about them, he told me “you have no say so be mad if you want”. That was it for me. I got pretty mad at him and told him that he obviously doesn’t want a future with me if he says I have no say in his life. I said why did you pursue me for so long if now I have no say?? Well he cut me off again and wouldn’t return my texts. So I wrote him a letter and handed it to him, said nothing, and walked away. He read it after I left, no response. So I walked down to his house and asked him why he was ignoring me. He said he had “too much shit going on to deal with me”. I asked him if we could talk about it, he said “no”. I walked away. Later that day he sent me a text saying it is him and not me, that I looked good, he just can’t talk to anyone. Well funny thing is that within the week, another woman across the street was hanging out talking to him. She is married to. We haven’t talked since. That was in January, it has been 4 months. The day before he stopped talking to me, I thought we were fine, he said he loved me and was looking into an apartment because he wanted to leave his wife. He never did. The next day, I guess he woke up and decided he just didn’t love me anymore. He has been seeing the O.W. across the street right in front of me. He has no remorse or care for my feelings. I have to see him every day and endure watching them cavort with each other. My soul was devastated. I was so miseld and deceived. He completely ruined me. I feel so used. I thought if he loved me for so long, it was a sign. He asked me to borrow money too, I lent him $650, I gave him three chances to pay it back, and he hasn’t. I know I will never see the money. He stares at me all the time when I am out. I love him more than the air I breath and he just stopped our relationship cold turkey, no explanation, no remorse. I am left feeling the same way about him. I am trying to repair my part of the marriage that I ashamedly betrayed. We still have to live two houses down. My husband knows nothing. I am ashamed for my actions. I am not a cheater. That is not ME. MM assured and promised me things and what he wanted and apparently he lied to me and decided he was “done”. I have no closure.
I am just trying to break myself from looking down at his house right now. He stares at me sometimes, sometimes he ignores me, I have to watch the OW walk down to his house and him hers. It breaks my heart every day.
How can someone be so cruel and callous? Does he really not care about me at all? Was our whole relationship a lie? Does he not miss me at all when he sees me? I am having a terrible time. Any feedback would be appreciated and I would be glad to offer more info to clear up any questions. I told him I would love him until I take my last breath and I will. I was genuine, truthful, kind, supportive, and patient of him. He never asked me to leave my husband. When we were together it was like it was natural, meant to be, like we were soul mates of some sort. He was the air that I breathed. Now I am a wreck, feelng used, gave him money I can’t pursue because my husband does not know, betrayed my husband because assclown “loved me”. I don’t even know how to act. I know I need to avoid looking at him even though I make sure he can’t see me doing it, but should I avoid letting him see me if at all possible because he doesn’t deserve to have me as eye candy? Or do I go out in my yard and try to go on with my life and not worry about him seeling me in hopes that he will miss what he let go? What killed my self-esteem is that he didn’t even FIGHT for me. He just cut me off. I don’t know what he is feeling, thinking, etc. I have tried for the last few months to make sure he could see me outside in hopes that he would contact me and at least offer me an apology or an “I still care about you,” but I have gotten NOTHING. (And this is just a summary, short version of the whole story, so much more to say)
If anyone has been in a relationship like this, please help me understand. Thanks.
Dear Miserable love…my heart goes out to you it must be dreadful for you seeing him all the time? i really believe we are creatures of habit and the reason we crave them is because we are rejected and us as people can cope with the pride issues surrounding that! ive lived my life dating men and each and everyone i have dumped and id have to be honest and say not at anytime did i consider what they went through, i didnt want them so just callously said goodbye!! never made contact again just cut them out..now im on the receiving end and cant understand how this guy can just pick me up and put me down whenever he wants!! its the hardest thing ive ever experienced. but its because our prides are hurt, my MM contacts and wants me more when i dont want him.( funny eh) and most relationships are like that, i truly sympathise with you but also believe you have had a lucky escape, ive decided to sever all contact and move on with my life..ive spent nearly 2 years in limbo and id have to say most of it being unhappy, you are a superfox and deserve so much more than he could ever offer you..and when he comes back as they always do remember this..would you keep a television in your home that was broken? no you would take it to the dump!! the same applies to relationships on life support..he doesnt deserve your time your worth more and obviously have more courage than this guy could ever possess..busy your time with your beautiful family and just see the episode as a lil glitch..we all make mistakes because we are human…im here for you xxxx
Miserable love:
I have a question for you. What is your goal for coming to this site and what do you plan on doing with the information that you are getting? From your post above, you say: I could really use a few “friends†and some new perspective on my horrible, shameful situation.” And also: “Any feedback would be appreciated and I would be glad to offer more info to clear up any questions.” and also: “If anyone has been in a relationship like this, please help me understand. Thanks.”
Hon, what “other perspectives” are you looking for? What other feedback? And what do you want to understand? Make a list and number the questions that you want answered because I think you have been provided with a wealth of information and feedback and new perspectives and to be honest, we will never truly “understand” these men…..only “understand” what it is about us that attracted us to these men and what it is about “us” that put us in these situations to begin with. So while I realize that you are hurting and that that is the “stage” where you are at, I truly feel that the only way out of the pain is to try to stop yourself from asking the “WHY’s” and asking for new perspectives because this only helps to keep you “stuck”. Hon, whether you realize it or not, you are “obsessing” over him and like i mentioned before…. you have to treat this like an addiction and the first step in your situation is to STOP asking about “HIM”, stop seeking new “perspectives” new “friends” new ways of “understanding” why this poor excuse of a man did what he did and STOP thinking about him altogether!!! I know you may “think” that understanding him more is going to help but these questions ARE NOT helping you!! I think the real question you are asking is: “How do I stop obsessing over him?” and NML has some really great posts about this but i will say… the main answer you will find, is that you are still attaching toooo much value to him. Once you get (and I mean, really get) that he is a loser, a liar, a cheat, that he does not deserve you, that he is a manipulator, that he is UNHEALTHY……. believe me… you will STOP thinking about him! Write down in a list for yourself…….all the reasons why this man is NOT good for you……all the reasons why he does not deserve you and read that list until you are blue in the face (really) and until your heart catches up with what your mind already seems to know. Read it until it becomes the new (and real) thought that you attach to this man. And not the: “He was the air that I breathed” one. Make it so that everytime you mention his name and or see the image of him in your mind…. it follows with “liar, cheat, coward, unhealthy etc…etc..” rather than the fantasy of him being this wonderful man who you thought was your soulmate. Make this your new MANTRA. Let him go in your mind first, and I promise you that your heart will follow!!! Then and only then……will you STOP obsessing and thinking about this man who does not deserve not one more precious ounce of your energy to go to him. Are you willing to do this? Are you willing to open your eyes and see him for the A**clown that he is? Because while you keep calling him this, I really dont think you believe in your heart that he is. And the reason that you dont believe in your heart that he is is because you dont love YOURSELF enough to see that you are way tooo good for this. So please stop asking does he miss you, does he care about you and how can someone be so callous…. and start asking yourself: Do you care about yourself? Do you miss “you”? Work on removing the amount of value that you are still attributing to him……that is the next step. And you are certainly not doing this by continuing to ask: WHY? or Asking for “new perspectives”/”friends”. Im sorry if you think this is harsh but it is the truth and you have seen that I am very empathetic to your situation but also take it from someone who has been there first hand (exactly in the place that you are in now) and really take this advice because it is the only thing that helped me to stop “obsessing” over him (read as many posts as you can daily, hourly if you have to that NML has written about this). It will take some time for your mind to get used to it but belive me, it will happen!! Remove the value and you will remove the pain. I mean this from the bottom of my heart.
Karen,
Thanks once again. There are hundreds of different blog subjects on this site. I happened to find this one and thought I would write about my situation as this blog seems to pertain more directly to my situation, there were different visitors to it that I hadn’t seen before. Not everyone views or responds to every site, so I thought I would post my story here as well. Thought maybe someone could benefit from my story and we could all share/help at the same time. No big deal, I am just trying to get as much feedback and perspective from different people. I am not trying to run my issues into the ground or anything. I have actually utilized a lot of the advice I have been given and am improving every day. Every little bit of encouragement helps. I recognize that you have been very kind to me and maybe taken me under wing a bit, I do appreciate it. I know you are trying to help me. I do feel that I shouldn’t be giving him another single second of my life, as it he doesn’t deserve it. I have neglected my work, etc. because of this and I need to get back on track. I have felt “stuck” and depressed and am pushing forward to get myself out of this. Thanks.
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