When you’re The Other Woman, it will often feel like incredible highs and lows, and at some point, you should and probably will become sick of being in the situation and want to end it with the guy. Like any break up though, breaking up is hard to do unless something so awful happens that it galvanises you. There are a hell of a lot of women in this situation that are readers of this site, and the most common issue is how the hell can they move on? Here I hope that I can help to put any woman who is in this situation on the road to healthier happiness. But first, think about this point first?
Is this a half hearted cry for attention from him which you hope will force his hand into making the decision to be with you? If so, be careful as this is probably still unlikely to happen and if it means you end up staying with him, you’re wasting your own time. Otherise….
1. Be firm and strong.
Be resolute about your decision and immovable. If you really do want to break up with him and you are sick of the situation, he shouldn’t be able to wheedle his way around you. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to get around you. This time he can’t.
2. Make it about YOU, not HIM.
If you put the focus of the break up on him, he can make excuses that he means at the time but probably don’t hold up after the event and he’ll make promises that he means at the time but is also unlikely to keep. Yes, you are breaking up because he can’t give you what you need, want and deserve, however, you’re also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this.
3. Remind yourself that he is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions.
Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy ‘relationship’ that you’re in now.
4. Think of the woman he’s with, the woman that you view as the person who is robbing you of the opportunity to be with your guy as a human being with feelings and strengths and weaknesses just like you. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. Whatever story he has told you about why he’s with both of you, the cold hard truth is that he CHOOSES to be with HER.
5. Is this how you saw a healthy, happy relationship? Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12 months or even in years?
6. Remember that occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years won’t have to be spent waiting for his call or snatching a moment together.
7. Go cold turkey.
If you can afford it, go away for a few days or a week to somewhere nice or go and stay with friends and family. Turn off your phone and let the important people know where you are so that you don’t worry. There should be absolutely no contact.
8. Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you have.
When I speak to women in involved with attached men, whether they realise it or not, they are almost always in a tight routine. After all, keeping things in a tight routine is how he stops himself from getting caught out and fits you into his schedule. You must break the routine. Put it on voicemail or turn off your voicemail but don’t pick up calls. Be out when he calls. Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be out. Be busy. If you think you’ll be tempted to be swayed, change your mobile phone or block his email address.
9. Tell somebody that you trust.
You’d be surprised at how many women act in secrecy which actually further plays into the man’s hands as you are totally at the mercy of whatever he is telling you. A confidante gives you a sanity check but also gives you a rock of support. Choose someone you trust and who can be supportive but tell you that it’s time to quit.
10. Steer clear of dating till you are ready to date. This also protects you from knee jerking into another situation that you may not recognise as being unsuitable due to craving some sort of emotional replacement – there is no progress in ditching a married man for an emotionally unavailable man. There is also no point in dating if it’s a way of passing time in the hope of filling in the gap until the married guy potentially becomes available. The only time you should date is when you are truly ready to move on and the married guy doesn’t figure any longer.
11. Remember that you need time to grieve and heal. There is no quick fix and you don’t feel better immediately. In fact, you’re likely to feel like sh*t in the short-term. You must give it time though. Weather the storm, cold turkey it out and let out the tears and frustration but don’t give in. Your ‘relationship’ is over.
12. See a counsellor or therapist. If you have been in relationships that have a habit of wearing down your self esteem, if you want to understand your relationship patterns, if you feel you need a little extra help or if you feel very low, this is the ideal way of helping you to heal, understand and move on.
13. Address other areas of your life that have suffered whilst you were with the attached guy. No matter what you think, something or someone, or both suffered whilst you focused your energies on your situation. If you let work slide or put off career decisions, prioritise it. If you have neglected friends or family, build bridges. If you have neglected yourself, spend time on you. You have to put the focus back to you if you are truly intent on succeeding. It’s because it’s been all about him why you lasted so long with him in the first place.
14. Yes I’m sure there were happy times, but you need to remember how you REALLY felt when you were with him. Look back at your diary, think back to specifics and there are probably a lot of times when you were lonely, disappointed, insecure, sidelined, teary, clingy, frustrated, angry, too dependent, listless and much more. Put both feet in reality and get real about who you have really been. If you were that happy, you wouldn’t be reading this and you wouldn’t be breaking up. You wouldn’t even want more.
15. Read the stories of women who have played your role of The Other Woman and realise that your situation is not unique, most of the stories of why these men cheat are the same, most of the time it ends in tears, and you, The Other Woman will always play second fiddle as long as you put yourself in this role.
NB!!! This post has been republished due to the very high volume of comments on the original post creating technical issues such as slowing down the site and preventing the original post from being reloaded. The original post and comments are no longer available and thank you to everyone who contributed the almost 500 comments! Comments will remain open on this post until they get to a level that is deemed technically unsuitable. Please note that the forum is up and running and that you can chat with some of the women who wrote the original comments. Registration needed. Thanks NML, editor and site owner.
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i am forty-five years old, smart, attractive,strong, confidant, have survived breast cancer with a bi lateral mastecomy, own a hotel/motel that operates 7 days a week therefore i work 12-18 hours a day and love it. i met my mm here at the hotel, we had an instant connection and i thought whynot, a one night stand with a married man passing through town that i would never see again. I had been divorced for two years and had not met anyone i liked or slept with anyone since then. He was kind, honest about his situation, a great dancer, confidant, humble, strong and the sex was great. We had no sleep and he left the next day. Two weeks later he called and a month later he came to visit again, we have been seeing each other for a year now, once a month for two glorious days. He lives interstate and I have very little time to give. He fell in love straight away and i took 6 months to let myself fall. We both feel terrible about the lying, cheating, and complete wrongness of this situation. He says he married his wife because she is a good person and they shared a lot in common and were good friends, they have a three year old child that is very special as they were told she would not be able to have children. They have been married for nine years. My mm is eight years younger than me, he is not attractive to look at and has all the qualities and character i have ever looked for in a man. He told me from day 1 that if i wanted to end our relationship i just had to say so and he would not bother me ever again. He is deeply committed to his son and cannot bear to leave him and his work is interstate and i cannot leave my business either. A week ago i ended our relationship because it was the “right thing to do” and am devastated. He is also devastated and has only called once to tell me how he feels and to tell me he will always love me regardless of us being together or not. I am a very happy, positive person and lucky to have found love twice in my life, to have survived cancer and to have a career i love. My dilemma is…. life is short (as i well know ) should i just enjoy my two days a month with this man i love dearly until both of our circumstances change or maintain doing the right thing.
Holly,
I completely sympathise with you, its funny how when you least expect to find love it jumps right out infront of you..as you have pointed out you are a strong vibrant woman with a zest for life!! you have experienced obvious highs and lows in your life and coming out of the otherside after having breast cancer is a feat in itself, i truly think you have to be extra strong and walk away from this MM no matter how traumatic it seems, i understand the love of children as i am a mum to four of my own but i also wholeheartedly know that if you really are 100% in love that pull of the other partner is such an over powering feeling you cant continue life without them no matter what!!! marriages end every few seconds and to stay in a marriage on life support is just an excuse!!! If your married guy loved you he would move mountains to be with you, thats what family courts are for…Ive been in the same position my MM has a 13 yr old son and even after 6 unhappy married years still remains…its only been 2 weeks since we parted but im still as positive as the day i ended it…im worth more and deserve more than another womans cake crumbs!!! please dont feel despondent and move on…your just prolonging the agony otherwise, hes son is a toddler and im afraid if the excuse is him then he will never be old enough for him to leave…good luck xxxx
Holly,
You are truly an amazing woman! It is unfortunate that some of us find love and the timing is not right. I agree completely with suparsta, who has helped my situation so much. If someone loves us 100% they cannot live a day without us. That is what I told my assclown and 4 months later, I have heard nothing from him. I know your situation is terrible, and his is terrible. But, yes, if won’t give you all of himself and work through all the other situations to make that happen, you have to let him go. He can’t expect you to be sitting in the wings whenever he wants to come by, it is not fair to you. I feel you did the right thing. If he can’t live his life without you in it, he will come back and be ready to make you his. If not, then you are better off.
Does anyone know of a blog on this site that deals with having to see your EUM on a daily basis and dealing with that??? I noticed that several of us have to see our assclown on a daily basis and that is really hindering the healing process. Also, if anyone has any insight on how to not have a complete meltdown every time we have to see our EUM with their wives or The Other Woman, that would be helpful. Sometimes changing jobs or moving is not an option and it is difficult to see them with someone else on an ongoing basis after being rejected and used.
Hi everyone!
My name is Rose,from Malaysia. Today,i just breakoff my relationship with MM. He is the one who made a decision to end up our relationships since his wife has suspected someting & he coudnt take the risk anymore. i love him so much..and couldnt sleep think what might happen to me. but after a day, of course i felt hurt,i felt heartbroken,but i believe it will be better for a long run. Dating with MM is sneaking like a criminal,but loving him is the most beautiful things happened to me after a pain that i go through..but my inner voice always whispering to me that our relationship isnt going anywhere.
Dear friends,
i have to move forward. one day, if i fall in love again, it will be with someone who is able to put me first in his life.
BYE.
OK Ladies…Help! almost 10 years with a MM. Of course it was on the net that we met. I am going to make a long story short. He never mentioned to me that he was married during our chats on line. Before we met he told me he was going on vacation for a week to FLA to visit family this was in September. It was the day after thanksgiving that we met. No wedding band, no mention of being married still, 3 dates later he decides to tell me that he is married. He is a great manipulator and a narcacist. So he had me and it continued. I asked him then how long has he been married. UMMM that September he went to FLA, yeah that was his honeymoon. He told me he only married her to get out of debt and that it would only last a year. I told him I would wait. Not even a year later I needed another place to live. He found me a house to rent…Yep right next door! met the wife, the affair continued, met the whole families and continued affair. In the meantime my Ex asked me back 3 times, my daughter met MM and did not like him. Well I los
In an affair 12 years, he was the love of my life, he promised me everything and I wanted to believe it. She found out a year ago and sent me horrible letters, put nasty stuff on the internet about me. He told her everything about me, although he said she found out from someone else! He promised for 6 months after to leave her and that he would take me away on holiday and that he couldnt let me go et etc. Of course he didnt, when I started internet dating he started to become indiferent towards me. We still saw each other for sex. He has now gone on holiday with her for 2 weeks. I have to finish for good, I am sick at the moment and driving myself crazy thinking about it and how I can finish, it has gone on so long I feel so stlupid that I did not finish before, but every time i tried he got me back. I guess I just have to go cold turkey, I almost dont care if i dont find anybody else I just want to be out of the pain.
sarah…
Im sorry to hear of your pain, but MM say everything and anything to keep you on a lead..your worth so much more than he could ever offer you..And lets be honest here if he left her for you,hes sole purpose would be to try to get back with her! They are cowards and all the while you stay in the game.. (i wont call it a relationship because its not…relationships have 2 people!! ) You will continue to put yourself in more pain…Pick up the rest of your dignity and close the door!!!..Its an addiction and one that has to be broken…Good luck x
I just found this site – and wish I found it 3+ years ago! Long story short – I have a problem with getting attached to men. I had one long relationship of about 4 years before I fell for my MM. I realized what a bad relationship I was previously in because my MM practically swept me off my feet – opening car doors, pulling out the chair to sit down, etc.. In my relationship of 4 years that NEVER happened! I ended up breaking up with that jerk to focus on my MM. Here’s the thing – because I was so head over heels for this guy from the get go – I never had time to be ‘single’ really. I ALSO DIDN’T KNOW MY MM WAS MARRIED!! I didn’t find out until weeks later when he happened to bring it up at lunch. He never wore a wedding ring, and I was new at the job where I first met him – so I didn’t know. At this point I was so attached to him I couldn’t let go. It has been on and off for about 3 years and I can’t seem to let him go. I ended the ‘physical’ part of our relationship because it was too stressful and depressing to be in this relationship. He ended up filing for divorce but now i really wonder…
Can you still be friends with your ex – who was once a married man?
And I mean seriously… ethically – should you still be? It is tearing me up inside because I still care for him so much and want him to be in my life – but should I still be friends with him
Hi!I am about to break up with my married lover tonight. He will all in approximately 2 hours and we will talk. How should I go about the break up when I am not emotionally prepared? I dunno. All I know is that I have to honor myself. It is true that when you write down everything that happens in your relationship, you get to see a different perspective.And that perspective becomes more favorable for you in your decision choices. Im pretty sure it will be better but the storm that I have to wither might be very looong and very hard.
How can I join the forum about these matters? Help…
I just dont understand MM. I am only 29 and I have been divorced twice. Both of my husbands cheated on me and chose the other women. Back in February I met a guy that I worked with. I got to know him and his family. I never thought too much about him. One night we were both working and he sat in my office and really got to know me. When he left my office he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I thought maybe he is friendly like that. That night he said he didnt have a ride home so I gave him one. He told me he didnt want to go home yet…..so we went to the park and talked. We talked until midnight. Then I took him home. He has since then been tellin me he loves me and I make him feel like a man but he doesnt want to hurt his family. He has four children. So I hang out with them alot and he sends me sweet amazing text messages, but I hurt. He recently got into it with his wife and they both took off their wedding bands. He told me he has never taken off his wedding band. I know that he is telling the truth on a lot of things cause he is not very smooth at all. He tells me he wants to run away with me….and it messes with my feelings. I have been in realtionships b4 where we were just friends with benefits and I was ok with that because it was very clear that was all that was wanted. Why would my MM tell me all these nice things…he could just tell me he wanted to b friends with benefits and I might have said ok….I then wouldnt be hurting the way that I do. I really love him becasue he has shown me so much love. But I know I am not complete….I have to go home alone…..I only get so much time with him…..it hurts…..I am not sure what I want to do because I do love him….but I also hurt….I am trying to be patient…..but I asked him what he would do if the situation was reversed and he said he couldnt picture me with another man. He said it would kill him….and then he sat down because he realized how I was feeling…..but things havent changed today…oh well…..I hope to figure it out soon..
He rang me three weeks ago to say he was going on holiday, all the lies he told that he would take me away. He has been back a week and he has not contacted me. I have sent him a text today to say I am very unhappy and hurt and I want to finish it and this is my decision. He has not got back to it, but I know I have to stick to it. I started to see a counsellor and she said I think he wants to finish this because he has been very indifferent to me later and I have been very emotional. I just keep thinking if I had finished it last year I would be much better now, but maybe this time next year I will x And this has been 12 years of my life
Gretchen:
RUN! Especially if your not into deep, Turn and run the other direction as fast as you can. Please get out now while you still have your sanity. Trust me. I wish I would have.
I finished with my married guy of 12 years after he came back from his holiday. He keeps ringing me telling me he loves me and wants to see me. I have not seen him for 5 weeks. The sex with him is absolutely amazing I cant bear the thought of not having this again. I know this thing is going nowhere. Its just I have been trying internet dating for ages and have got nowhere, i have little in my life. I am in torment, should I just continue to see him for the great sex or give it up and suffer. I am in my 50s I have little chance of meeting anyone, I have to be realistic it seems the only good thing in my life and yet I am so unhappy I cannot imagine getting over him. Please help
I’m a man and reading this site after a friend sent me the link. I want to share my side of the story. Yes I was married. and yes I have been involved with my lover for almost two years. I met her online and we chatted for quite sometime, graduated to phone calls and as the relationship progressed i found myself dying to talk to her more and more. My career requires me to be gone for long periods of time and I travel continusouly all over the world. I live In DC she lives in San Francisco, my main residence is Chicago. our realtionship began to develop into an incredible friendship, But the really bad part is I told her for almost a year that I was not married. The very first time we met face to face was when i was in San Francisco and it was by far one of the greatest experiences I had ever has, Emotionally, spiritually and the SEX was incredible. I found myself connecting with her in the most incredible ways, and was so afraid that if i told her the truth she would break it off with me. My wife and I fought all the time, I have two children from a previous marriage that she has been pretty much thier full time Mom since we married. I know it’s chicken sh.. to admit this but for me to divorce her was going to be devasting financially, At 55 years old I could lose 1/2 of everything I have worked my a.. off for fo rthe past 30 years. My children now 1 19 and in college and the other her senior in highschool, have never been terribly close to her. looking back i feel like I was her meal ticket. great job, 6 figure income, nannies, beautiful home, she wants for nothing. Hell I even suport her parents. It has always been about “what can I do for her” and I was never unfaithful to her until I met “Carrie”. Earlier this year I came clean with Carrie, she was devastated. I broke her tender heart, and I have felt terrible about that. IT WAS NOT JUST SEX…Carrie and i could stay up all night, literally sitting on the sofa and talking till the sun came up, she made me laugh, she made me feel appreciated, she made me feel good. simple things like making me dinner, or preparing a hot bath for me after a long day of flying, what ever it was being with her made me feel complete and loved, I can honestly tell you that I never felt so much for someone out side of my children.
After telling her that i was married she broke off all contact with me, it has been 6 months and not a day goes by that I dont miss her. I have left my wife who is a self absorbed country set type that criticizes every thing I do, no matter how hard I try nothing was ever good enough for her. I have a small condo and my daughter now lives with me and our divorce is ugly and the settlement will be a huge financial loss for me
I know that you all think I am a liar a coward and total Sh… thank you very much I am very much aware of that. however As time has gone by I realize that Carrie was the greatest gift to me, but now I cant even reach her, her numbers have been changed, her emails everything, she has even changed jobs making it impossible for me to find her. How I wish she would talk to me, so Carrie if your out there please know that I love you, I miss you and I’d like a chance to prove that to you. My numbers are all the same I am here and I would like to have an honest realtionship with you. Charles
hi i really need to ask for advice and have a shoulder to cry on i know i need to end my relatioship with MM but its been going on for so long i need some help
Kiki, It’s really hard, the heart pain is great, I never thought I would find myself in this situalion either. get a piece of paper and make two columns, the first colum write down everything about him that you like, adore, love, the way he makes you feel , all the postives, then in the second column write down all the things about him you don’t like, the way you feel when he leaves , or doesnt call, his life, every detail, BE HONEST!!! this is for your eyes only. get very detailed, then read the negative column every day, all day if you have to , it will help you disconnect from the situation, also in my situation I confided in NO-ONE, out of shame. DON’T do that, find some one you can trust and talk to them, tell them everything …it will help you be accountable, When you have to be accountabel to soemone it will help you in your resolve. Your MM if he truly loved you would be mindful of your pain and not put you through all this, I find when i think of my MM having sex with his wife, and I mean i think of his anatomy, her anatomy coming together in every detail, It quite simply makes me sick to my stomach…I realized that even if My MM had left his wife for me, i would never had trusted him, especially when you realize what a needy frantic person he had already reduced me too. HE IS WITH HER…NOT YOU and no amount of money, children etc would keep him from you if he truly loved you and were what he wanted. GET busy…become unavailable, wear your self out doing things ,get a new life and PRAY daily for strength.
Charles, just read your posting…F..K Y.., tuff having to pay the price for being a lieing coward, I admire “Carrie”. at least she had the good jusgment to kick your as. to the curb. what makes you think that you can carry a realtionship on with some one for such a long time and then have her fall in live with you and then think that by finally telling her the truth that she woudl ” Understand ” and be ok with it, obvisouly she had much more self esteem then the majority of woman like me that are on this site. I found your comments interesting about your soon to be ex wife, You yourself said she mothered YOUR children and that your gone all the time, sound slike to me she stayed busy ” doing her Country Club SET” types of things to fill the void of not having an emotionally connected husband, I also found it ammusing how that you talked about all the things ” Carrie” did for you and how she made YOU feel blah blah blah, you never talked about what you did for her other than “Break her tender heart”. Sounds like you are dealing with the consequences of your actions, hopefully you will have learned something. My advice to you is leave “Carrie” alone , its obvious she has castrated you from her life.If you really care for her you will leave her alone and hope that she is happy and moving on, Be a Man, and move on in truth and quit crying in your “Stella Artois”.
Charles, you can have a bad marriage and you can fall in love with someone else but you should have handled all of that with integrity and character. You didn´t.
“Carrie” thought she met this single great guy, honest, good character etc. But you lied, you turned out to be spineless and simply not the man you let her think you were. So not only have you hurt her by lying, more importantly she has decided that someone who behaves as a coward and who lies is not good enough for her.
And no matter how much you regret it now, you cannot undo that. You cannot undo who you are or were. Even if you change now, this damage is done and you will have to live with the consequences.
Before you start dating anyone or persue “Carrie” you have to really dig deep and figure out why you lost your integrity and how you can become a man. A real good man that someone like Carrie would want to be with.
Faye: Everything you say here is true, don’t you think I am so painfully aware of the pain I have caused. I am..Truth Hurts: Yes your right I handled everything badly, It was all such new territory for me and I did’nt have the courage to handle things responsibly. But I feel like everyone is being some what self righteous, after all your all here because some of you went at it fully knowing your guy was married some not…My realtionship with Carrie started so innocently and grew to what it became. Carrie is unlike anyone I have ever met, Kind, genuine Real! and I truly love her…I took Carrie to beautiful places, sent her flowers just because …not to get into her pants but because I loved doing things for her and she was always so appreciative of every gesture no matter how small. Her smile made my world better and I finally told her the whole truth because Carrie made me want to be a better man. I am a better MAN because of knowing her…I deal with the gulit of hurting her every day. and your right I can’t unchange things I can only do better. Let me ask you Ladies, Do you think I would ever have a chance in hell to win Carrie’s heart back? we were so in love. I still Love her
Hi Charles,
I’m not judging you here I have been where you are, kind of. I see what Faye is getting at though by pointing out that this all seems to be about you and how you feel and what you want. I read your first post that said you met online, were you on a dating site looking for someone? If so then I would like to mention that your relationship did not start out innocently. I also want to point out that she was then actually looking for someone and looking for someone who was available. Listen I know how much it must hurt you to not have her in your life but you need to look at this from her point of view. She probably felt the same way about you that you feel about her. What if the tables were turned. What if you spent a YEAR of your precious life with carrie and then she told you she was married. Take what you have learned here which as you say that you are a better man because of carrie and hold on to it. Be the better man for the next woman that you meet. I doubt carrie will ever understand why you presented yourself as single and lied to her for a year. The best you can do is leave her alone and move on the best you can. You do owe her that.
Charles, you talk about all she means to you but consider what you brought her. I don´t think she will accept the man you are instead of the man she thought you were.
If you take of your rosetintend glasses, have you considered if you would respect and want someone who accepts this? Or do you want someone with selfesteem who only wants an available and righteous person?
I´d think the latter. And if so, become that men for future women you might date. But it is simply too late for Carrie, you have disqualified yourself with her.
Oh, and I am talking from experience, i´ve been in your shoes too
And it is hard letting go and accepting you messed up. I loved my ex even more for having the pride to not want me back. But you learn from it and become a better person and in the end that will bear fruit.
Charles…It is Sunday afternoon here in my neck of the woods and i googled “how to get over a married man” and found this site. GOD must really love me because i swear your name should be Jay. I met Jay on an online interracial dating site about two years ago. Like you he travels all the time, lives in DC part time and the southwest the other. for over a year we saw each other , talked almost everynight and often his voice was the first call I had in the morning. we would see each other when “HE” could squeeze me into his schedule and I fell madly in love with him, He was everything I had ever dreamed of, and we became extremely close ( or so I thought) Because of his line of work he would have to travel to the middle east for extended periods of time and we would chat online everyday. He was smart. good looking and sexually I had never experienced the way’s he made me feel. Listen to me…for OVER A YEAR we saw each other and he always told me he was divorced… This last spring for what ever reason I was sitting at my desk working and “Jay” called me, I could tell by the tone in his voice that he was very upset and soooo while I am working he informs me that he couldnt do it any longer he had to come clean with me and told me he was married, that he had been married for 12 years. I remember feeling like I had been punched in the stomach, My head began to spin and l literally felt like i was going to vomit. I sit in a large office in a cubicle with no privacy at all, and it took every ounce of strength I had to maintain my composure. He began to babble about his marriage being bad and that “she” was the most selfish person he knew, but that he couldnt leave her because his daughter was only 14 and this wife (his second) had raised her for several years ( they have no children together) that because of all the traveling and his daughters highschool activities he couldnt leave her, But that he loved me and I was his best Friend etc ( you get the picture I am sure)..To say I was devastated would be an understatement…I was gutted…..How had i been so naive so stupid so trusting….I remember hanging up on him and making it through the day, calling a friend to pick my little boy up after school and telling her that I needed an evening to myself. I left work early where I promptly went to the closest liquor store bought a bottle of booze and like a zombie dragged myself home and proceeded to get “hammered”…How could he be my best friend and lie to me in such a wretched manner. a few days went by and I called him, more so because i wanted answers as to how I could have been such a moron but more so tryign to figure out how he could be. slowly I let him talk his way back into my life, I have seen him twice since January…most recently I allowed him to come to my place while my son is away on holiday with family. Here he was in my home, my bed, my shower and you know what after he left I felt such incredible guilt and shame and anger….I have deleted all of his numbers from my phone, emails etc. blocked him everyway I know…and here today I sit….so hurt and so disgusted with myself.. It was one thing to be involved with him when i thought he wasnt married, But another thing now that I know. I feel for his wife…does she know? I’am sure I am not the first one, probably won’t be the last…I am so disappointed on so many levels..at the top of the list is the realization that this MAN was not who I thought he was, his character, integrity …everything is questionable…and I will never trust him , no matter what he says or what he does….He played with my heart, my emotions and my life…even at one time calling me Chris …. ( his last name, and saying I have that feeling about us I really do). I am a single Mom of a fantatastic little guy. and believe me when a single mom gets involved with a man it isnt something she takes lightly, Your first question is “will this guy be a suitable parent”. I thought he was great in so many ways, Not perfect but great….If Jay were to call me and tellme he was getting a divorce etc. I can honestly say as hard as it would be…I would not allow him back into my life, Quite frankly for the past 6 months I have’nt believed a word that has came out of his mouth, and I don’t see how he could ever EVER redeem himself. Sometimes we make terrible decisions and have to suffer the consequences…and somethings that get broken …NEVER can be fixed. I have wondered so many times if he has continued to pursue me because he isnt use to being told no. So you need to move on, carry the scar of your deceit and hope to God that he will bring some one in to your life. Good luck.
oh yea I forgot to add that he is back on that dating site still looking to charm the pants off of some poor unsuspecting creature…
GUESS WHAT….after reading the blogs here from Charles and the things I wrote I had a part today and invited “ME”. It’s 100F outside and I fired up the bar b q, drug out the margarita machine and have spent the entire afternoon, having a “Burn Party”. I have burned every picture,every letter, every email and chat (printed them out for the ceremony), burned three blouses, 2 skirts and a chest full of sexy lingerie…I may sound crazy…but ladies I can’t tell you how liberating it was…Even though I knew it was over, having such things around me seemed to weaken my resolve at times or make me feel nostaglic when i would look at them..( which I have done alot over the past few months)…I have rearranged my bedroom and ordered a new comforter and sheets for my bed …and i’m thinking about getting my long hair cut off…..(he uase to say “Don’t cut your Hair”…..as drastic as it may sound, it was hard to do all of the above but think of it like a wake…now I truly can begin to the grief process and get on the road to recovery.
Chris Dont cut your hair!!! You will regret it
Thanks Sad Kitty, I was being dramatic
…I won’t cut my hair off, but I would like to cut his pecker off, it’s so wierd, I have spent so much time being devastated and sad that right now I am really angry…I mean pretty damn MAD! All these months and I have’nt been mad, but Boy I am now….It is amzing what human beings are capable of, and all the lies for so long that he told me, all the sweet things all of it …He makes me sick to my stomach,,,,and worse I am so mad at myself for falling for the jack ass like I did, as I look back and think about things he had the perfect cover, traveling all the time, etc…to places unknow because of his job ( High Ranking Militayr officer) UGH!!!!! He was probably home 2/3rds of the time….Do you know the last thing he said to me was that he needed me and he needed my friendship that he could handle us just remaing close friends, Was that too soothe his concience ( assuming he has one) ?
thanks ladies for your honesty…I really am not a horrible man, I made a horrible mistake and if i could undo the hurt and pain I have caused i would. Chris, reading your story here was a real reality facing experience. Thank you for sharing Good luck to all of you
Chris,
He might be a conniving, manipulative bastard, and told you he wanted to remain friends to watch you twist in the wind.
I suspect, though, that change is measured in pain. And he just doesn’t want any more change than has to be. If he can keep you around, it makes his life simpler – at least he doesn’t have to grieve losing you.
He may be deluded, thinking that you would be willing to play the same roles in his life that you had been, except for the intimate part (which he understands is over . . . for now . . maybe . . . stuff happens).
Staying friends would make life simpler for him, that is why he asked. Frankly, when you break up, what his proposition or contact means to you, is now completely your responsibility, and not his any longer.
Don’t forgive the bozo, by any means. But eventually, for your own health, you will need to begin living for today, and not yesterday. Looking for additional reasons to separate, stay apart, or be angry with him are mostly a waste of your time. The best revenge is living well.
When you start replacing sheets and underthings, pay close attention to fabrics and fits that feel comfortable. Then, every once in a while you can feel the flannel sheets, and think, “That feels nice.”
As for cutting your hair – long hair on young girls has been a symbol of “I available for marriage, come talk to Daddy and settle on the bride price.” Well, in some cultures and times, anyway. For others there is a mystic or sacred meaning in their hair and style. Hair style can be ammunition in a struggle for social or cultural position. For some of us, we find a simple cut that is easy to care for, and put our energy into other things.
Right now you are letting him control your life – burning and discarding things because of their connection to him is still partly about him and his affect on you. The hair will be a long time recovering, if ever, if you let this reaction rob you of something that you later realize you cherish for its own sake.
I would be careful of thoughts that your hair or how you wear it have anything to do with being attractive to a good man. Any man. If a guy is attracted to your hair, chances are that he will eventually look for another with that long hair, then another and another. You want a man that sees you for who you really are, not just as someone with long hair. Wear your hair to suit your self image, be who you are inside.
Enjoy!
Brad K.’s last blog post..Book: Judge Judy gets tough on romance
Charles i dont think you are a horrible man, I think the situation is not that black and white. People who are married can fall in love with other people and it is really hard to get out of a marriage and now you are really suffering.
I tried to finish with my MM and it is making me really ill, my blood pressure has gone sky high, I have chest pains, panic attacks and shaking. He has been in my life so long it is like cutting my right arm off. The GP told me to just stop trying to make such a hard decision and go with the flow. THe MM has been so worried about me he says just stop doing this and we can just be friends. Dont get me wrong I want to finish but I have no support no other man, even though have been internet dating, lots of creeps! It is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do, I am still hoping for a miracle to help me. I think some people do not take into account this could actually make you very ill to do!
Charles,
Anytime a man (or woman) cheats, he has a failure of character. If you honor and live in your marriage vows, if your attention is satisfied with your mate, then you won’t notice other people sexually or any other way that encroaches on behavior between mates.
There are always two sides to every story, and with a daughter and lawyers involved the truth seldom endures. You may have picked the wrong woman to marry – or you may have failed to be the honest, honorable, disciplined person that a mate needs. You may have paid too much attention you yourself, or not enough. She definitely failed to resolve problems – nagging is an enormous sign of disrespect, always. Whatever.
You have a daughter. She has, or she will, hear every version of every story ever told about your marriage, in court or out. What she need from you is a disciplined, honorable, compassionate, honest warrior. You need to show the character of the man you want her to marry. If you do that well enough, she will likely pick a guy to marry that you can respect, even if you don’t actually like him (before the grandchildren arrive). Today is about generations, as well as relationships.
Be the father your daughter needs, and if you run across a woman of character some three years, five years or more down the road, she will be likely to be interested in you, too. In the mean time, forget “hot” and “sexy” – and think “character” as the basic virtue you need in your life.
It isn’t easy to get from a messy divorce to a stable and disciplined life. You will likely have to reconsider each friendship, each activity you engage in. As you are involved in a divorce, you don’t really need a reminder that change is measured in discomfort and pain. But keep that in mind as you face being a single father – and learn the father role all over again.
Luck.
Brad K.’s last blog post..BR: Commitment, a perspective
kikki how are you, seems we may be in the same situation, and as no one on this site seems to read or reply to my entries thought I would try you. I also have a lot of shit with family issues, my parents etc, and very little support from anyone. Have to work full time and a family to take care of, ending a long passionate relationship with someone who still wants you is something I have never done before and I get no help only critism. Gp has said am in a high anxiety state and should take it very easy, any stress is something to avoid, she does not think I can cope with this at the moment. Kikki please let me know how you are?
sarah…..
You lack self esteem, no guy that is married is worth your tears or time!!!! believe me when i say this most MM will tell you anything you want to hear, but if they truly wanted you nothing would prevent it not finances,kids, wives…the list is endless…you cant remain friends with them either, cut all ties and try to understand why you allowed them into your life in the first instance!!!…why would you take second best? the world is full of eligible single guys that can give you what you require and not only on their terms!!!…please turn your backs let go of this fantasy world you live in and go find reality…
Hi Girls,It’s been exactly 6 months to he day since I dumped my MM. ( yes everyday I have counted the time off). and surprsingly enough last night MM actually called me. It had been solong I didnt even realize it was him calling when I saw his number. He was cordial and friendly wanted to get caught up , told me he sure missed me, sure missed talking to me etc…I have to tell you that hearing his voice was a little jarring but I didnt get weak inthe knee’s, Did not feel this great rush of pain or anxiety or any real strong emotions at all, “IT WAS GREAT FEELING…well…nothing actually. He asked if we could meet for lunch and catch up and I told himno , i didnt want to meet him for lunch or see him, that i was glad i he was well and it was nice to hear from him, but that i had to go. and said “Take care” Bye…. :0) so my encouraging words for all today are that “TIME” and DISTANCE will get you through this, and 6 months ago when i was crying everyday, unable to eat and feeling a miserable amount of pain, I am sooo much better today and am moving on and actually able to see my whole affair for what it was…A one sided liason that benfitted my MM greatly and left me wounded and confused…Stay strong, stay away from your MM and give your self the time and space you need to heal, only then can you take of your rose shaded glasses and see it for what it really was. God Bless you sisters in the fight.
,Suparsta thanks for your entry, however I am 50 I have been dating from internet for last 6 months and believe me the guys on them are not a lot of good, maybe if I was yonger, although saying that in my 40s they were pretty crap too. Perhaps there is a place to meet decent single men, I wish you could tell me. I have a good job but work with just women, have tried evening classes, singles clubs, blind dates. I know I have been involved with MM but I do believe if someone decent came along I would give it a chance. I met someone two months ago really liked him and him more, but he just chickened out and stopped contacting me for no reason, you just feel like giving up. So after 6 weeks of hell of not seeing MM and trying to finish it, and have made myself ill, saw him for an afternoon of sex and cuddles. OK maybe not the best idea but sorry even if I dont see him again ever or for a long time it was so good for me and dont regret it, what the hell are women suppose to do. I am an attractive intelligent women, i am a widow have two older children and you need some excitement. What I am saying is I know it is wrong and in a perfect world you should meet someone and live happily ever after but this is a crazy mixed up world and maybe you need to snatch moments where you cant. I dont have low self esteem I just have no family support I have good friends who support me and actually understand and dont condemn me and the ones who are married actually say they can understand why I hold onto some kind of loving when I can find nothing else. Only guys on the internet who want to have sex with me before they have even meet me. Sure I would love to finish with MM but am sick of pain in my life. By the way I did not know he was still married when I met him, and would NEVER do this again
For website people – can you please delete the last entry i made about half an hour ago, thnik i did not think it through and am in denial would rather not have it printed. Sorry for this. Thanks a lot
Sarah, don’t apologize, you were venting your frustration…the fact is alot of us feel or have felt the same way…one of the things that you are so dead on about i sthe whole internet dating genre…it’s rediculous…a vast majority of folks on there are looking for SEX…Cyber sex to be exact…so I am not sure its the best place to meet someone of any real caliber for a long term realtionship, I could tell you some stories that would have you laughing on the floor…anyhow…I am finding the less I look for someone the better I feel, Get busy doing things for you, things you really enjoy and you will be surprised to find that just when you least expect it you will meet a really good man…sounds like to me you have way to much offer the morons that seem to fall in your path…I know this for myself as I have been a “JERK MAGNET” for most of my adult life… :0)
In my recovery ( for thats what it really is) I am finding that I ma a really great woman with so many wonderful attributes that I never gave myself credit before and it is empowering me and also helping me to be selective about who I share my time with….Keep you chin up and know that this is the greatest time in our lives to be at our ages…We are wise and we are beautiful….bless you
Faye you are a darling thank you so much for your comments I felt so much better after reading them. Will continue to try to improve things in my life x
sarah…
i really think you should view your outlook in an entirely different way!!..you seem to come across as needy and perhaps that scares men away…this is not a critiscism just how it appears…im a 41 yr old mum of 4 kids and have been down that same path..but to be fair the men you attract dont seem to be bringing you much happiness?…i have alot of single men friends whom i chat with to get an honest male perspective, 1 guy in particular told me a story of this girl he met at work!! he fancied the pants off her and everyday looked for her in the office, she was sexy ..intelligent abitious and it seemed he had hit the jackpot!! he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date, the had a fantastic time and the next day she made him a pack lunch at work!! from that moment on the attraction had died!! he viewed her in a light that he had never seen before..moral of the story dont appear needy its not an attractive quality..you have a great job and good friends if you stop searching for a life partner like its the end of the world maybe your meet a genuine guy that wants you for you!…your MM can only bring you heartache, build up some self esteem and live your life more positively…
Hey Everyone:
I’m so happy that I found this site but I still haven’t let my MM go. I’ve been seeing him for 1 year and 7 months. I’m sure I don’t have to share how difficult it is to make the decision to let the MM’s go. I just need to know from all the ladies that have made it there, did you just snap one day and couldn’t take it anymore or what steps did you take to get to that point. HELP!
Hi ladies, many thanks for reading this message.
I am a writer for Marie Claire magazine and I’m working on a feature on women whose partners left a wife/girlfriend to be with them.
It doesn’t matter if you’re still with the man in question – a variety of experiences is expected (and welcomed!)
The piece will be very positive and non-judgmental, and will comprise a short telephone interview. You will get the opportunity to take part in a photo shoot with of the magazine’s top photographers.
If you, or anyone you know, has been in this situation, I’d love to hear from you. Please email me at caroline.hedley@gmail.com. Thanks in advance!
Hi DJ, I keep trying to let go but it is to painful for me, making me ill painful I mean. I think the key might be to put more things into your life and keep really really busy. Also trying to date other men, although I would steer away from internet dating as all the blokes i meet were not worth it, and the ones I spoke to on line were worse. Anyway by trying to fill your life with as much as possible, then you can push MM further out of life and put more positive things into it!! Thats what I am trying to do it may be easier and less painful that cutting things off 100% and going cold turkey. Its ok for people to say to do this but if you have little support from family and friends its very hard and easy for outsiders to judge and expect you to do the impossible for you. Also keep hoping and praying miracles may happen, this is what I am hoping for. I hardly ever get to see my MM now and I feel really sad all the time but its maybe easier than seeing him too much. More than anything else be kind to yourself. Anyway thats my plan. Good luck x
@DJ
I know how difficult it is to break up with a MM. I ended my “relationship†16 days ago, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I was with him for 14 months, and what made me “finally snap†was realizing that I would never be a priority for him, that he mostly wanted me to fulfill his own physical needs, and that he could not express his feelings for me. He could not tell me ways that he valued me as a person, just physical attributes. I wrote out a list of things he’d done/characteristics that made me feel upset, and there were over 30 of them that flowed from my fingers onto the computer screen (all typical of EUM’s). I also knew he would never leave his wife and I was sick of waiting for him to call, email, chat online, or basically communicate with me so I could feel “connectedâ€. I was stressed and miserable waiting all the time. I also felt guilty for the possible consequences for innocent people if our affair was discovered. Reading many posts on this site was also helpful. I kind of did a version of the “get out plan†instead of going NC cold turkey, and I did actually break up with him over the phone. You can always come to this site for support. The fastest way to get feedback is usually commenting on the most recent post (which is “normalized bad relationship behaviour†– or something similar – right now). Good luck with your decision.
I ended my relationship with a married man in Nov 2008. It still hurts but im getting there. We were together 5 years he said he would leave but never did. In fact a lot of what he said was probably fictional i wasted five years of my life on him and caused myself untold pain and heartache. BUT YOU LIVE AND LEARN.
Sarah, Meant to be Happy & Tracey. Thank you sooo much for responding and all of your feedback is extremely helpful. I pray for peace, for you ladies and everyone on this site. Hopefully will see these MM’s for true worth. I wish they felt just a small piece of the pain we have gone through and continue to put ourselves through. Tracey, you’re a true inspiration and because of stories like yours, I know that I can let go and I’ll be okay. You didn’t waste time, you only learned a very hard lesson. Good luck on your journey to happiness. Thanks ladies. I will continue to post and I hope that my next post will be because of letting him go.
Hi DJ, nice to hear from you. I really wonder if many men do feel the pain that you have been through. Dont think its only MM other men are like this too. Some of my single friends going through pain with their single men friends say the same things. Even relatively nice man dont seem to realise sometimes what they put women through. I have been married and involved with various men in my life and have seen this. This is my first and my last MM. Anyway this MM who I have been seeing for ever, was seperated when I met him. I dont see him much now and am definately feeling better because of this. Maybe I am normalising abnormal behaviour as someone suggested, but I know its not a good situation and I know it can never be right, but you sometimes just have to get through the best way for you at the time, I know it wont be for too much longer. Good luck DJ hope you can do it but do take care of yourself which every decision you make.
Sarah, How are you doing? how are you holding up?
I have just ended it with my married boyfriend of 4.5 years. We work together and I love him so much. He has no intention of leaving his wife although I have convinced myself that if I was just “better” somehow, this would happen. I have been a nervous wreck for the past week. I am so torn and don’t know how to get through this. Please help me! I need any advice I can get. He just sent me an email today saying how amazing I am. He never says this unless I’m ending it with him. It kills me to be such a pathetic loser. I’ve missed so much of my life but yet I miss him. Please help me!!!!
@ miss him,
Call it buyers remorse, call it the depression everyone experiences when they change jobs – I call it grief. Change is measured in pain, we always regret losing what we had before when change redirects our life.
You are losing someone that has been important in your life; your body is adapting to his absence, and that hurts, for now. The anger, the denial, the bargaining (If I did this, or said that, I could have him back, maybe?) Don’t think of your turmoil as breaking up, think of is as a personal loss, even if you chose to break up.
“It kills me to be such a pathetic loser.” I disagree. When you stopped waiting for him to do something honorable, to life a shared life where you enjoy the trust and respect you deserve, you acted to take control of your own life. That is not a losing kind of thing.
But change is measured in pain and discomfort, and this will not be a happy kind of time. You will find your time and energy spent on dealing with your feelings and emotions, the depression part will sap your strength and energy (we really are hardwired to continue whatever we were doing – breaking out of a bad cycle to build a better life is still tough to do, ask anyone quitting overeating, drinking, drugs, text messaging, chasing the Grateful Dead, etc.). Keeping a daily journal can help you track your feelings, and your thoughts and plans, if you record the biggest two or three thoughts at a time.
But one suggestion – look at NML’s No Contact Rule, and follow all the instructions. Letting him get messages to you, even if you don’t read them or reply, will hurt you and delay getting better.
After a couple of months we feel invested in a relationship, and breaking up gets harder and harder.
NML and others claim that it gets better with time – allow at least a month or three.
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