I imagine several things are going on.

One is grief. Real grief, the “I lost someone important in my life” kind. The one we really don’t have much control over. Grief that it may help to find someone experienced with grief to help recognize the distinct stages, can help you understand what you are going through.

Grief entails several stages that many people experience – denial that the loss happened,anger at the one now gone, a stage where you believe that you can recover or bargain with the g-ds to get the loved one back, acceptance that the loss is real and forever, and finally healing and turning toward tomorrow. A few days? Hardly. A year or three? Usually not. Grief takes it’s own time, and often cycles through a couple-three times. Every person, every loss is different.

I know that you were enamored of “getting” to him, of throwing that comment about finding another at him – but that is a tie to the future. That implies you are interested in the future, perhaps even that you will be watching. And definitely counts as “fishing”. Fishing, as in, “I am saying goodbye. Now it is your turn – tell me not to go, that you cannot go on without me, that you realize I am really the love of your life.” Fishing, as in, not completely sure you really mean “goodbye”.

And that is another reason you are feeling a bit lost right now. Because you really, really wanted him to see the light and convince you that he will be the man you need, and that you should stay together with him.

There are likely dozens of men that you aren’t sleeping with, for one reason or another. I think that if you decided that this guy has just become another one of them, another guy that you don’t want in your life now or ever, that you won’t care about his reaction.

Who knows what he meant, when you text message? Did he mean that he is being polite, respectful, and accepting your goodbye, keeping his feelings to himself, since you didn’t ask? Did he mean he has been waiting for you to take yourself off of his list of problems? Did he mean he thinks he can have more fun with the time and energy that he doesn’t have to spend on you? Did he mean he was relieved that you won’t be tripping over his new girlfriend(s) or boy toys? It doesn’t matter. Did he mean that, if you didn’t care to break up face to face then the relationship apparently didn’t mean much more to you than it did to him? Who knows.

It appears you are still unsure about whether to break things off or not. You are still counting on that week’s grace period from the past, hoping he will be back. It appears you are using this breakup as a test for him, rather than a decision to take your life and heart away from the relationship with him.

If you want to turn that around, to choose to walk away and to create a wall between him and your heart, you need to stop worrying about what he says and does, or might say and do. Stay busy so you don’t waste *too* much time second guessing yourself. Maybe make a list of reasons you need him gone, so that you can heal and be available if someone suitable comes along, and keep that handy for times you get to wondering and worrying.

And I might consider canceling the text messaging service. Especially between friends and family, text messages leech so much meaning out of the message. Phone is better, but face time is way best. I mean, no one ever got a hug over the phone – or texting.

Luck.

A couple of years ago, I read an article about bad mouthing and harsh words. It seems the internet is a small community. Harsh words often come back to haunt you.

There is the specter of wasted breath. If he didn’t care enough to make you happy, if he wasn’t smart enough to figure out he was making you unhappy, then the chances are that there is nothing that you can say now that he will hear and understand. Not only would telling him off be a waste of breath, but you are not his mommy, not his jailer or teacher – you have no right or responsibility to train or correct him. Launching into him, telling him off would just be disrespectful and abusive. While I don’t care whether he has earned himself a plate full of feeling the bad he has dished out, it isn’t good for you to be whacking away on anyone. Good relationships are based on respect; the time to focus on respect and the positive starts right now.

If you are on reasonably cordial terms – tell him you wish him well. Wish him well and goodbye. You are severing a relationship – that means you no longer have any interest in what he does or feels in the next year or month or hour. You want no more ties to him; don’t patronize him, don’t say or think anything about the next person(s) in his life. The best revenge, if you feel the need, is living well. You don’t have to forgive or forget – you will likely grieve losing someone that has been important in your life, regardless of how you part or how happy you were – but you cannot do, wish, or say things about him without making new bonds tying you back to him and the relationship. That has to fade before you will be really ready to move on.

There is a certain amount of respect to yourself and to him, in breaking it off face to face. Some things can be conveyed with body language that reinforce and emphasize the words. There are exceptions – if you fear violence, the right way to break up is a restraining order, which a battered women’s shelter can help you arrange. If there are substance abuse issues, then there usually isn’t much reason to worry about respect – or revenge.

You break up for your own good, for security in your life. You want escape from compromises and mistakes you have made. You need to take care of yourself better than you were able to do within that relationship. From the moment you decide to break up, you no longer have a reason or right to make his life any more hurtful or happy – your first and most important goal is to get settled safely on your own.

You break up because you made a mistake. Either you picked the wrong guy to start with, or you failed to make a lasting relationship. There is little room here for pride. You are telling him goodbye so you can take care of yourself. This is not the time to worry about whether he got the best of you. He failed to make you a happy woman. There is nothing, now, he can do to make that right. No show of one-upmanship can do you any good. This is an occasion of sadness, of loss. Your best hope right now is for relief that it is over, and maybe release of fear about him.

You start working on your own healing and coming to grips with what went wrong and how to proceed more happily – right now. You get to choose how much drama you want to tie to this lost affair, how much more you wish to engage with him about this and that. The least damage and hurt – in either direction – the less healing you will have to overcome.

You might read up on this site, about No Contact. Read about when No Contact is the right thing to do. NC is much stronger than cold turkey – cold turkey, just ducking out without saying anything, is rude. NC is also aggressively defensive – you disable every means he might use to contact you – filter out his emails and text messages so you never know he tried to contact you, change your phone number, move if you need to. NC is about creating a safe time and place to begin massive healing, not something that applies to ant relationship that comes apart. Only you can tell if you or he need the full brunt of NC. Barring that, though, cold turkey seems disrespectful and less than honest.

Luck.

I’m very sorry to hear about your health. I am happy to hear that you are looking at things differently. Did you break up with your MM prior to finding out about your health? I find myself stressed and emotionally drained. I don’t want to end up with health problems but at this rate, how I could I avoid it. Do you talk to your MM when he calls? I think your right about men though, not sure if there are any good one’s out there. Well please take care of yourself and goodluck on the dog search.
.-= DJ´s last blog ..Family Picture =-.

Run!!! Do what you should have done at the beggining. And everyone on this site. She answered the phone because they are still together. Ask for signed and notarized divorce or settlement papers. Trust your gut instinct on this one. I wish I would have. Don’t blow this opportunity of letting him go. Trust yourself, please.

however he doesnt want his wife to find out about us so has loads of typical EUM traits, but he also says his wife knows about us he just doesnt want to rub it in her face. I’m actually thinking they do still live together as I called his landline yesterday and guess who picked up?! but his reason for this was that she’s going on holiday so he wants to spend time with his son so she’s staying over… He just seems to have an explanation for everything!!!

I hate being in this situation it’s really brought out traits in me which i did not think existed!