Right now somebody somewhere is being broken up with. It’s horrible, it hurts, it can be devastating, and it can feel like a kick in the nuts, even if you’re not in possession of a penis and two testicles! One of the difficult things about break-ups is the reasoning. If you struggle with a break-up, it’s likely that you spend a lot a lot of time trying to rationalise the reasons for it. In fact, until you get to the acceptance phase, you’ll reject the reason and find ‘loopholes’. But what if you’re not even dignified with a reason for your break-up? Or what if you want to break up with someone for no reason?
Well here’s a newsflash: There is no such thing as breaking up with ‘no reason’. The very suggestion of it implies a lack of responsibility for your actions and thoughts. If you want to break up with someone for ‘no reason’ it’s because:
1) There is a reason but you don’t want to acknowledge it
2) There is a reason but you haven’t put your finger on it yet
3) You just don’t want to tell them because you fear confrontation or you just don’t feel like it
4) You fear something about them or the relationship (e.g. Commitment-phobia)
5) The reason is about you but your ego doesn’t want to put the onus on you, so you prefer to leave them guessing.
Breaking up with someone and claiming that there’s no reason is a recipe for disaster that will ensure that closure is as likely as snowballs being thrown in hell. Or at the very least the poor person on the receiving end of it will think you’re a tosser. A cruel one at that.
If you don’t at least have the balls to tell the person why you’re breaking up, at least acknowledge what those reasons are to yourself, because a failure to do so will eventually result in a pattern of destructive behaviour. You become like that person that has a habit of disappearing with no explanation, but in your case, you give them a wave before you vanish.
Whatever it is that prevents you from having/giving a reason, you can’t think much of the person you’re breaking up with, no matter what you tell yourself. Trust me, if you cared, you’d find it within yourself to dignify the person with a reason so that they don’t spend their brain power wondering where it went wrong, especially if they’re blaming themselves. Remember that karma is a bitch and not only could you end up doing long lasting damage to someone’s self-esteem and future relationships, but one day you’ll get a bite in the ass when you least expect it.
And if you’re the one being broken up with?
Trying to get a reason out of them may be as fruitless as the search for weapons of mass destruction! You may be putting in more energy than it’s worth, and remember, if they didn’t see fit to be straight with you when they broke up with you, what’s the incentive afterwards? Yes you want closure, but you can find that on your own. Occasionally you get those situations where there is literally no signs that there is anything wrong with the relationship (these people deserve Oscars as they’re great at pretending or fickle enough to change in a heartbeat) but most of the time, if you sit down and playback the relationship slowly through your mind, you’ll see red flag and dubious behaviour and situations. Yes you can ask yourself if there is anything that you could have done differently, but be careful of being one of those people that assigns the blame automatically to themselves.
It may be more difficult to get over the relationship, but because of the way that the person has behaved towards you, you can remind yourself that there is cowardice, thoughtlessness, and an uncaring aspect to your ex, and that’s not attractive in anyone.
There is no law that says that you must give a reason or get one for a break-up, but there is such a thing as common courtesy. It may seem like a lack of reason gives it a clean break but it’s actually likely to drag it out and impact negatively on the recipient’s future relationships. If we all behaved a little bit better about certain things, there probably wouldn’t be so many people with screwed up notions about relationships and themselves.
Ultimately some people fear giving a reason because they don’t want to be perceived as an asshole, but the person on the receiving end will probably draw that conclusion anyway!
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Great post! Excellent.
Now what about this situation: My guy ended it by cutting off communication without ever offering an explanation. Then several weeks later he starts acting like we’re friends, as if we never dated. We run into each other from time to time, and when we do, he starts chatting like we’re buddies. He even walked me home and tried to kiss me goodnight once, just like that. I told him I felt like hadn’t shown me respect and that we couldn’t be friends (or anything that might involve kissing, either) until we cleared the air by having a face to face talk about what had happened. He agreed that we would have that talk, but it’s never happened, and he continues to just act like we’re buddies and he has nothing to apologize for. It seems like I will cause less waves by just being polite for a few minutes when I run into him, but it really upsets me and I want something to change without sounding like a jerk. Any suggestions for dealing with this?
Katie,
I’m a midlife single mother who was dumped last week by a long-distance midlife guy after he chased me cross-country, wanted commitment, how perfect a match we were for each other (we were), back-and-forth travel — even where my daughter would go to school in his state. When we started three months ago, he handed me his Match.com membership cancellation, only to have me find out last week (a week before I was to fly to meet his family) that his profile is still active. And YES, he had cheated on his XW just prior to their D. And YES, one of the women he cheated on her with is a “ghost” lingering in his life. And YES, I see that he, in effect, cheated on me already as he has/will cheat on so many others to come.
Being a straight-up woman I confronted him about all of his sudden pull-away behaviors after our last honeymoon-style weekend, and he responded with a TWO-LINE “DEAR JANE” E-MAIL. I wrote him back once, letting him go, and have never heard from him since.
Cowardly. Disrespectful. Selfish. Inconsiderate. User. Player.
I’ve spent five days reading, learning, writing, working through this break-up and keeping my self-esteem.
I recognize there’s a statistical chance he’ll contact me again at some point, and I’ve developed several alternative scripts to use to handle it. Have erased his phone #s and most of his e-mails.
Your post has inspired me to respond, as I want to tell you that NC is super-critical for you. And that means that any encounter should go like this:
– He stops and says hello. Adopts a “let’s talk” posture.
– You say hello without even using his name and KEEP WALKING — NOT EVEN BREAKING YOUR STRIDE. He has disrespected you, lied to you, led you on and is still using you to stroke his own ego. And you are still allowing it with hope for a reconciliation, apology or to be treated as you deserve. But the fact is that not everybody is made the same or lives with the same morals. I learned this the hard way by going through the D-from-hell from a pathological narcissist. You are also still allowing it because there is nobody else in your life, and his attention fills a void. He knows that you don’t have enough self-esteem to tell him what a jerk he is, or even show him what a jerk he is, so he will keep working on pushing your boundaries as long as you let him. And each time a little further, until he gets sex. He wants nothing more. (I realize this from my recent experience with Mr. Cowardly Midlife, yet my guy paid for numerous airline tickets and hotel rooms, and traveled 3000 miles, to get it. One would think he’d have a readier supply close to home!)
Please, I urge you to reassess how you are treating your ex. He doesn’t deserve the consideration you have given him.
Pookie
I too have just apparently split up with someone after nearly 7 years together. I text him to say that I thought we were having problems and that I wasn’t happy with the situation and i’ve never heard from him again. This is a month ago and I expect I never will… but the previous posts are correct… it is very hard to have closure when someone who in one breath tells you how much he cared etc etc and then can behave so appallingly towards another person. Still i keep telling myself that it is his loss but it is very hard.
Thanks for all the posts….it helps me tremendously to realize why I’ve had such a difficult time getting over “him” and the “it’s not you, it’s me” guy. I guess that would actually be a lame attempt at an explanation. I look back at at the 7 months that we dated and wonder, “did I dream that?” Was he lying when he told me how much he liked about me? How he wanted to travel w/ me? Explore? I’m still very confused and hurt…I don’t want this to affect me anymore though, so much negative energy trying to heal my heart. It’s exhausting….His birthday is coming up…he won’t be getting a “Happy birthday” email from me…no more crumbs waiting for a reply…..
Ok, so in my previous post I said, “no calls.” What did I do today when I saw his car outside a store…I called, he didn’t answer. Left a light and lively message, “hey how’s it going, what’s up? Hope you’re well….small town we are going to run into eachother and I hope it’s not weird for you..it’s not weird for me..”
Duh, can someone just hit me over the head w/ a 4×4? Now I think it’s almost comical…but the sad thing is the joke is on me. I realize that he is doing me a favor by just cutting off the communication…ultimately it empowers me to move on…it just reconfirmed what I already know. I was naive to believe the whole spiel about “being friends.” What a bastard!
I’ve twice been dumped by guys who in the same breath are telling me they love me and I am everything they want in a woman – equally very confusing!
Bravo on this post! I had the most awful breakup in 2005 – made so awful because I got no reasons or closure from th ex. Having to find closure on my own dragged out my healing to well over a year – and it was only a 6 month relationship!!
I am in the throes of another breakup now…but one of the silver linings is that I at least know the reasons why we split. I got the decency of a ‘closure conversation’ (even though I learned in that convo that he cheated on me!!) and my eyes are much wider open about the problems we were having and that he could never have made me happy for a lifetime.
All that just to say that I very much agree with the post and the need to understand the reasons behind the demise of a relationship. It’s crucial for healing.
Katie, let what happened go. He isn’t your boyfriend, or friend, or an intimate companion (please don’t fall for the Bootie Call scenario). Think of his attempt to kiss you as a ‘sexual assault’. That is, he was quite rude, trying to be intimate outside of a relationship.
Where possible, being polite and reserved with someone is always proper. Don’t think of him as a former boyfriend, or someone you have feelings for (resentment, anger, affection, lustful dreams, etc.). Think of him as a ruthless used car salesman – you may have to do business with him, but you won’t trust him.
It is a small world. Really. The odds are that how you react, whether you hold a grudge or hold onto lingering feelings, will get around. Your reputation and ability to find someone new may be affected by your politeness or backsliding into the pits of despair and longing. Anger and hurt affect how you view the world, and how you interact with colleagues, with family and friends – how you view yourself. Your feelings are real, and you are entitled to them – let no one tell you otherwise. When you lose someone, whether to death or someone’s choice to end a relationship, the path to healing is through the pain of grief.
Take care.
thanks for the advice on break ups i mean my boyfriend just broke up with me and i did think he was an asshole for having no reason he didnt even give any signes either