Bringing Together a Long Distance Relationship
January 6, 2006 by Special Dark
The long distance relationship is one of those enigmas that has perplexed and baffled sociologists through the ages. The basic premise is that you are dating someone (in an attempt to increase the intimacy, commitment and passion levels) but there’s one hitch: the person lives more than 50 kilometres (40 miles or so) away. So how do you get closer to someone who’s far away?
Before the advent of phones, then e-mail and instant messaging, there was a real logistical problem in maintaining daily communication. Sure, back in the American Wild West, you could get the Pony Express to deliver your letter or parcel but that got pretty pricey, pretty fast. Now-a-days even though people can keep in touch daily, the physical distance still poses some issues:
1) Out of sight, out of mind
If you are dating someone who isn’t readily accessible, it can be tempting to get your physical needs satisfied elsewhere. Likewise your mate may have that temptation as well. It’s a tricky proposition to get around because the desire to be touched and held is valid. The only real piece of advice I can give you is that you want to constantly communicate and manage expectations. I can assure you even though it hurts to have someone break up with you because they need a face-to-face relationship that it feels a heck of a lot better than them cheating on you then telling you after the fact.
2) Try to work through miscommunication
In an e-mail there’s no vocal intonation that would let you know, instantly, that someone’s being sarcastic. There’s also no way to read body language. These are things that make long distance communication tough. True, talking on the phone is a real-time way to get a more intimate feel, but that may be prevented by financial considerations. My best advice is that you take arguments or offensive comments with a grain of salt until you can be certain of what the other person really means.
3) Family or friend pressure
Some friends and family (especially older family members, who aren’t as familiar with technology) may think that your relationship isn’t ‘real’ because it’s missing the tactile component. If they start volunteering their opinions on the subject that could start to infect your expectations and, possibly, cause you to break off a relationship that was primed to develop into something wonderful. The best defence against this is what Shakespeare once penned, “To thy own self be true”. Know who you are and what you want/need and only change the nature of the relationship if, or when your expectations aren’t being met… not anyone else’s. Dating isn’t rugby. It’s absolutely not a team sport!
4) The grass-is-greener-syndrome
This is actually very dangerous but in the opposite way you might think. Sometimes you may have an off-line relationship then you start talking to someone over the internet and, bam, you feel like you are in love. WATCH OUT! Making important life decisions without adequate information is a bad policy! Just because some dude in Outer Mongolia is promising you the moon and the stars, doesn’t mean he can deliver or that he is even really interested in a deeper relationship. Everyone likes to have options but make sure that your on-line beau is actually a legitimate alternative before kicking Mr. Right Now to the curb. When it comes to the on-line mystery guy, ask a slew of questions (and sometimes repeat them to make sure you get the same answers each time), go slowly with volunteering sensitive information and ask questions that are verifiable. (Like if he says he went to school in the States but, when you do a search, it’s actually in Sussex, you may have a problem).
5) Be Steady
Weird fluctuations and even moderate changes in the communication frequency that are difficult for a regular relationship, can outright kill long distance ones. Just establish a rhythm (or heartbeat, if you will) for a regular frequency then stick to it.
This is certainly not an exhaustive list of the pitfalls that potentially await those who dare date at-a-distance, but I think there are good points to be taken into consideration.
Special Dark is a special blend of intelligence, wit, and an irreverant sense of humor that has strong views on women and relationships. Originally descended from the Alpha Male class of the society, he has suited up on debonair charm and retained his gentlemanly ways to the consternation of the rest of his species.
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I have been in a LDR now for 13 months and we are both in different countries. While I resisted this idea in the begining, he kindda kept after me, emailing me, texting me and calling me everyday, I fell in love and told myself that I will stick it out.
The good side to this relationship is this, he calls and texts me everyday, tells me where he is, how he is doing and asks about my day and makes sure I get home alright (I live alone). Visits me every month but this visits are also tempered with business meetings, wheelins and dealin’s while he visits me. Let me also add that he does not support me financially in any way and I take good care of myself.
Now getting to the bad side. 13 months later I have no idea where he lives, no house address, never met any friends let alone his family. Though I did visit him where he was, I was NEVER taken to his home and put up in a hotel instead. He tells me that he is committed to me but refuses to tell me where this going, ALWAYS gets mad when I ask about the future. I get all this mixed up signals from him, he wants, he wants me not syndrome.
As long as I do whatever he wants, all is fine. Thats how its been for 13 month, it has and will always be about him. I cornered him once and asked him “Where is this going ?” and all he says is ” I Don’t Know”
I was totally crushed.
I have read your article about being “Super Nice” I am nice, understanding, faithful and loyal because I have the integrity to be and I have been taught that it adds richness to our world, that is who I really am, not because I am trying to hook someone.
I agree that we do not look toward another to find our happiness but when you are in a relationship is it not natural to want to be with this person, want this person to be with us, to work at it, to be honest and open with each other irrelevant of LDR or not.
Wish someone would tell me what to do ?