We are creatures of habit and have to pay close attention to where there are running themes in our lives because it points to where we are not only repeating a pattern of thinking and behaviour but that we’re doing so because we’re getting something out of it.
A recurring theme that some Fallback Girls/Guys experience in unavailable relationships is being the person who lends a willing ear, a shoulder to lean on, and even a bed to lie in for people who are having doubts about their current relationship, who want to have a bitch and a gripe about their partners, and who essentially want to avoid their problems by enjoying the attentions of an interested but nonetheless inappropriate party. It may be that you have the label of ‘friend’ but tend to be disruptive in this person’s relationships, believing that you have the right to do so because you’re friends and that anybody who doesn’t understand this and hold back comment about it mustn’t be right for this person. You may feel quite territorial about the friendship and struggle to step back. You’ll let them know that you’ll be there when not if something goes wrong.
It’s very possible that you’re either an ex or that at one point you expressed interest or even slept together but then for whatever reason something didn’t happen and you’ve instead ensured that you’re a fixture in their life and can keep an eye on what’s going on. While you might be open about this, it’s very possible that you have buried your feelings and so are not even aware of how your (and their) behaviour plays out. It’s also very possible that you keep in touch with this person behind their partner’s back. Note: If it’s a secret, it’s inappropriate.
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re a Buffer – someone who takes up an emotional airbag role with a view that once you’ve shown how indispensable and supportive you are, they will get over their ex and choose you. Buffer means rebound relationship territory. You have The Replacement Mentality so you tend to see your way into involvements as you effectively replacing somebody who couldn’t do their ‘job’ properly.
You listen to people gripe about their partners or expounding on their frustrations about dating and relationships and you think, I can love you better than she/he can (now have the Mary J. Blige and Lil Kim song of the same name stuck in my head) or your mind starts calculating what adjustments you need to make so that you can position you as the ideal partner.
Some people would feel super uncomfortable being around somebody who is disrespecting their partner to them but instead you want to get closer. On some level you feel flattered.
You’re a People Pleaser and end up losing yourself on the quest to be what you feel is the ‘right’ person so that you can be chosen. You try to be indispensable even though it costs you deeply and can have you competing.
If they say that they were misunderstood / that they were turned down for sex / that their partner is “needy”, then you vow to make sense out of nonsense while being an armchair psychologist, vow that you’ll never deny them anything and that you’ll also be the person with no needs who avoids conflict and criticism.
You may think you’re being ‘helpful’ with your brand of support when they talk about their partner or you shelter them from their responsibilities but it’s disruptive and does cross boundaries. You may not see what a gross betrayal it is for them to be going behind their partner’s back because you’re so focused on being needed plus the sympathy and over-empathy you’ve built up shields you from acknowledging what’s really going on.
One day you wake up and realise that you’ve spent much of your adulthood being the girl/guy who gets friend zoned and/or used for an ego stroke, shoulder to lean on and possibly a shag if it gets that far, only to be told that they can’t leave or that they’re going back to their ex or that they now have clarity that they like someone else. Yeah, thanks!, you think as you grit your teeth and wonder what the hell they have that you don’t. And then lather, rinse, repeat.
Now if this is you and you want the cycle to end, it’s time to have a very honest conversation with yourself because for some reason you like the role of being The One That People Turn To When Disgruntled With Their Current Relationship. You have an eye on a future reward – in exchange for your investment, you expect to be chosen.
There is something about listening to somebody gripe about their partner or talking about something that they’re not talking about with that partner that ‘activates’ and in fact motivates your interest. It makes you feel special because you derive your worth and sense of purpose from being needed in this way. For some reason that is no doubt connected to a past experience or a lack of self-confidence connected to poor self-image, your ego relies on knowing that you are being chosen over someone else. That the person goes to inappropriate lengths to be with or around you. You may reason that if they were being treated ‘right’ that they wouldn’t be talking to you (not true). You feel flattered that you’re the one they choose to confide in or even escape with. You think any code amber or red issues are situational and will disappear with the right person (you). Where is this all coming from? What are you trying to right the wrongs of the past about?
One reason I’ve seen crop up time and again is that it’s like having the cool guy/girl at school choose you to confide in instead of their super popular (and possibly mean) girlfriend/boyfriend. In fact, the partner in these stories is assumed as and cast as the meanie. It validates that part of us that feels inadequate, unattractive or unpopular. We can tell ourselves that they’re coming to us for substance….but then we feel even more rejected and not good enough when it doesn’t work out.
Here’s the thing: You don’t have to rely on what you feel is someone else effing up or for a person to feel dissatisfied with their current partner, for you to feel as if you now have a chance to shine. You don’t have to see these as your ‘opportunities’.
Whatever beliefs you have that keep you in the wings ready to activate your emotional airbag and understudy role, they can be changed so that you stop limiting you to only being interested in people who rely on you for an ego boost and to effectively Dump and Charge Up – after unloading on you and enjoying your pleasing ways, they feel rebooted and ready to go back to the status quo or decide that maybe they can do even ‘better’. Halt these pseudo friendships – you wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of it. Don’t sell you short by playing third wheel.
Your thoughts?
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I concur with everything you’ve written here. Recently, I made the decision to withdraw myself from a male friend that I realised was on an ego trip of sorts concerning his relationship. I decided that I would no longer be an emotional trash can. I also withdrew to test the strength of the friendship I thought we had. And surprise ,surprise no calls. That says it all.
Yep, had one of these a looong time ago. Complained about his then partner, half-a$$edly took up with me, THEN dumped me for my best friend at the time. Since then, any complainer about his partner gets the standard Noquay response: “There are two people in an abusive relationship; the abuser and the one allowing themselves to be abused”. End of. These folk, users really, piss me off big time. A variant on this is the person who is away from his/her partner and uses someone for attention in the partners absence. Hotrunnerdude and the at work AC were of this ilk. As you don’t know of the existence of the partner, you do not realize for a while what is happening, especially when the aforementioned partner lives far away. Huge waste of time and emotional energy. Getting to the point where I am very reluctant to trust, which, given my current situation, is probably a good thing.
Noquay, it happened to me. I fell in love with a sailor whose ship visited our west coast town, he did not tell me he had a wife on the east coast. When I found out, he said they were separated and headed for a divorce. So I took up with him, and it took me three effing years to realize he was NEVER going to divorce his wife, and was using me as his “west coast” wench. So much heartache, I can’t even begin to tell you. DO NOT DO THIS LADIES!!! IT REALLY HURTS AND CAN REALLY MESS YOU UP!!!
Sounds a bit like “Sixteen Candles.” Of course, in that fairytale, it works out. I think it’s really difficult to find healthy romance in the media.
You described my last relationship to a T.
Fortunately, it was so traumatic it launched me on my final path toward developing good self esteem, strong core values and enforced boundaries. Now I look back and I can honestly say I am too good for her and I deserve a sane partner who shares my values about faithful and honest relationships. I no longer feel drawn to passive aggressive manipulators and I observe new people in my life longer and more carefully before I pronounce them good or bad for me. I used to be a magnet for lunatics, now they look right past me. I have come to accept that I may never find that perfect partner, but in the meantime I’m forming wonderful new friendships and renewing great old friendships. I’d rather never fall in love again than have to go through another bout with a passive aggressive nutcase.
A few years ago I spent 2 entire years being a guy’s buffer. He had a 4 years relationship with a girl he’d complain about no less than 3 times a week… It’s funny how instead of seeing the reality (an asshat who wont take action to address his own issues like a responsible adult would) what you see is a “poor hurt puppy” who you want to carry home and feed and take care of (because of course, that’s “better” than just taking care of yourself, right?)
Anyways, when I finally opened my eyes half way and walked away he broke up with his former gf and we began to have a relationship, and guess what? Never in my life I felt worse in a relationship. It didn’t even had to do directly with “him”, he was “fine”, he didn’t mistreated me, but deep down I just knew how much could he disconnect from me, I knew what a codependent type of guy -who couldn’t even grief his 4 years relationship for a month!- he was and as much as I hated it I was the one who played a great part in this drama, after all this was the lame base where our relationship was founded. I paid a real high price for this, not only during the relationship but also a long after we broke up. It seemed a lot easier for me to “ignore the elephant in the room”, but eventually things took their corresponding toll, and naturally I learnt all the great lessons and insights life had for me from this experience.
All I can say now is that I will make sure I never be as disrespectful to my very own self, neither to my beautiful gender. It’s just not worth the betrayal, nor all the consequences just to be someone’s doormat.
Thank you Nat.
Because you decided to be firm and speak the truth when so many others deny it, so many women (including myself) are able to have such a better quality of life via BR. You are truly a modern day prophet. No, I still don’t like life that much as a whole (though I feel immense gratitude often for what I do have), but when I do those moments are real & quite dear to me. I was miserable when I first came here; I’m still suffering through my baggage, but I’m living, and most of all I’ve stopped giving to those that don’t deserve me. I am recognizing such deeply wonderful people I would have passed up before, solely on superficial grounds. Now I am entering platonic friendships with deep, rich souls who are of both genders and vary in age (a brilliant 19 yr old artist with an old soul, a wonderfully eccentric woman in her 50s, and a modest elderly man who creates some of the most creative & skilled drawings I have yet to see). I’m just trying to learn from all of them, treat them well, and fight my inner demons so that I may be available for the relational gifts they have to give. There are some strong, remarkable folks out there.
Wow Nat, feels like you’ve been reading my posts on the previous article and given me a diagnosis. The relationship I have just come out of evolved into the type you’ve described, and I sacrificed all my values and self worth blowing smoke up an ACs bum. He even told me how I had done so much for him that he now felt confident he could tackle his issues on his own. I allowed myself to be used and bust up my boundaries trying to make myself the replacement. Silly girl that I am.
Oy, Brit, I experienced the exact same thing! I was told multiple times that I was his “angel,” sent down from above to help him with his “marriage relationship conversation.” As if somehow I was supposed to feel better about my involvement with him!
Apparently he’d been walking on egg shells around her for 25 years. And instead of addressing his grievances directly with her, he sought my sympathies, his neighbors’, his co-workers’. Even those of his own sister-in-law who, he told me, agrees with him that his own wife is difficult and cruel.
Nice family, huh? I have 100% removed him from my life, and the hindsight revelations I’m having are astounding. Flush!
SpecialKD12,
I was the only one who was told the stories about how bad things were. Apparently he was only himself around me and had been playing a role at home for 10 years. He said he would get counselling but said he wasn’t prepared to tell the counselor he had had an affair – kind of defeats the object I thought! Who knows though whether anything of these stories are true though???
I’m two weeks post being dumped for him to give his wife 100% chance to change. NC is going terribly, he is still emailing me (on weekdays – can’t disrupt the family weekend) to tell me he is screwed up and loves me. I’m stupidly sucked in to replying, partly I think because I don’t want to appear heartless, but also because I’m still clutching on to my fairy tale. It makes me feel wretched though so I have to just stop responding to this AC. The only person hurting me now is me by responding and giving him an inroad back at me. I also need to flush completely!
Block his email if you are serious about wanting to be free of this pain. You are still in this drama and still participating each time you read his messages. All he has to say is more bull shit, why are you still listening? NC is more than not responding….it’s not participating…at all. It’s a tough step, but the other option is more of the same pain. Have you had enough yet? It’s up to you Brit….you have the power to remove this pain.
Britt, I know how hard it is to give up the “happily ever after” dream. That kept me hanging on to the wrong person for too long. But, why does it matter how you appear to him? He’s a liar and a cheater, in addition to being very selfish. He has decided to stay with his wife. It’s selfish for him to keep contacting you and stirring up your emotions, when he has nothing to offer you.
Brit and Special,
You’re also hurting his family. I think that is a huge part of Nat’s post. Responding to him is more about your needs of being chosen, than his need to dump.
See your role for what it it.
“I was the only one who was told the stories about how bad things were.”
Oh, BritG…no you weren’t, no you aren’t, but you really want to hold on to the fantasy of being so “special” to him, don’t you.
If he cheats WITH you, he’ll cheat ON you. Think about how you’ll feel walking onto a restaurant or pub and seeing your AC smiling in some third woman’s face…a woman who is not his wife.
To use a quote read here many times…don’t make someone a priority in your life when all you are is an option in theirs. But you’re clearly getting some kind of pay off by staying in this drama….I don’t get any sense that you really want to move on. You are in it to win it.
You won’t begin to move away from this until you start digging for the answers to some tough questions…..starting with “why do I need him to want me?”
BritG, Get away from him. Now. Stop responding to his emails and texts. Take it from me, you will damage yourself if you stay in that situation. Ask one of your girlfriends to help you stay strong. Keep reading this site. Reward yourself every single time you do not respond to him. Block him. Avoid him. I had to do this. It hurt so bad for so long, but now it has been 6 months and I am starting to feel a lot better about myself. Hang in there, sistah!
The trouble I have is that we work for the same company (although different locations)and have been on the same project, so I’ve been unable to totally blank his emails. Luckily we’ve almost finished with it, like this week it will be over, so I will be more able to blank him and be free. Hey I do keep wondering if maybe the end of the project offered a convenient time for him to dump and run – maybe he has a girl for every project? He might do, he certainly had a harem when I first met him…
I know there is no happily ever after here, he can’t be trusted, he is a selfish tosser, and actually mostly when I hear from him I feel revolted.
How do you recover from the shame of it all? Sadly for me I think shame is something I’ve carried around since I was a small girl, and it has been a catalyst for me being a FBG. Its like, I am aware, and I know when things are bad, yet somehow I really struggle to stop myself from doing it anyway. I seem to have a big, red self destruct button I can’t help pressing.
Its funny, you would never guess all this about me if you saw me from the outside. From a career perspective you would see me as a high flyer. How deceptive appearances can be!
BritG
Well done mate for getting this far…
Shame probably best to work on with a good therapist.
Hurrah for finishing the project soon and getting rid of a tosser …
About a year ago, I used to read all the comments on this site and couldn’t understand how the other women became so strong. I said there must be a reason why I can’t let this guy go. I listed so many reasons and felt there must be something more to him and I. I was that silly girl. Here is the great news, if you cut him off in your head each time you think about him, even change mobile numbers/email numbers everything you can, I promise you that you’ll heal faster and you’ll be ready to let real love into your life.
Many people would tell me I deserve better but something in me kept going back to the comfort of him. Great news, they were right and I was wrong. Real love enters your life, there are many securely attached men out there for you but you have to work on yourself first for you to recognize them and them to recognize you. The first place to start is to say to yourself, the universe, God and any male that knows of you is you have boundaries, self respect and demand a good man. Any less and you’re not interested.
If it can happened for others, it can happen for you.
BritG,
You’re not silly; you’re human like the rest of us. You’re allowed to make mistakes; it’s okay.
Wow.
This describes my situation perfectly.
Her husband has walked out to be with another woman. I have had years of hearing her say how awful he was only for her to blank me whenever they had a weekend away. I thought that when they split 18 months ago that it would be our chance. But although she says she loves me and loves the sex, all she ever talks about is how awful he has been and is. She’s no longer sure about if she and I have a long term future. But she wants me to be around more and talk to her more. I try to avoid her because 80% of the time I’m left feeling crap. I keep telling myself , I have a great job, funny, creative, supportive, apparently attractive and a good lover but not good enough to displace a narcissistic husband that says their marriage is over. I need to bail out don’t I? She will never change ?
Robbie – you need to bail. She needs to really focus on herself and heal from her marriage. That said, a lot of people do not do this and just jump into something else creating more hurt for themselves and those involved. She can’t give you what you need/want. It sounds like she will just string you along as she tries to figure out what she wants. You deserve better then that.
Robbie,
You’re being used! Why you sticking around?
The fact that she is still obsessing over the ex, shows that she is far from over him. She will keep you around as long as you’re useful, until she returns to him or finds another. I’m speaking from a similar experience – he had been divorced 4 years. She will not let you into her life, as her actions show that you are not the one.
Please, do yourself a favor, do not wait another 18 months before you extricate yourself from this painful situation. It’s going nowhere!
Also, you need to examine why you have placed yourself in this position. I would think it may be because of your own EU tendencies, and the fact that she is safe (unavailable).
Robbie,
I don’t think a person is ever ready to really give their best to a new romantic partner without grieving a relationship/marriage that just ended.
She clearly isn’t over nor ready and it sounds like maybe you should invest more time and care but to yourself.
Oh my goodness. I’ve been a buffer at least twice in the past. Thank goodness that was many years ago, and I no longer allow myself to be a buffer, nor would I allow any man to suck me into that mess ever again.
After a 3 Year relationship that was “ended” by him disappearing (he had already started his new relationship months earlier), I find myself now in this role. I have discovered that out of my fear of rejection and of feeling the pain and loss of the break-up, I settled for the “buffer” friend role. It has proven to be very toxic to my life and hurts me on a regular basis. I definetly need to walk and go no contact. I read your articles on a daily basis and am learning so much. Thank You and keep the articles coming!
Gypsy, he disappears, has a relationship already started behind your back BEFORE disappearing and you are staying friends??!!! Why?! You need to do a disappearing act yourself, all you are doing is staying in the hurt, it’s time to grieve the loss of this ass clown and move on.
I recently had a male work buddy who dumped and charged up on me…he’s moved on to another job now. He is married to a woman who does not love him, it was a marriage of financial convenience for her and a ticket out of loneliness for him. OMG…story after story of how she neglects him..so draining to me…I know my eyes must’ve glazed over a few times during my years working with him…my mind used to wander while he droned on..
I used to offer advice, but learned over time that he did not want to improve things…he just wanted my ear. He’s called me a couple of times since leaving this job, but I’ve let the call go to vmail.
I also learned by listening to him that he had absolutely NO CRITERIA for what a woman must be like in order for him to choose her. All she had to be was “company for him”. He had no minimum boundaries about the amount of love/care/trust/respect he required. And consequently, women treated him very poorly throughout his life. No matter how good or generous he was with the woman, no woman ever treated him “better” because of it…their treatment of him always got worse. And listening to his stories, I found that I lost respect for him. Helped me understand that treating ACs with niceness and understanding is a recipe for being used and disrespected.
Elgie — You’ve only heard his side, too. My ex was venting about me to his buffer while we were married, and I found out what he was saying about me when he left his email account open on my computer. I didn’t recognize myself in the person he was describing, at all.
Lyn and Alison.
Thank you so much. I have bailed out earlier tonight. I feel massively relieved and not upset. Maybe that is a sign.
I once switched it around and pretended I was the woman and she was the man. I write it all out
1) her sending me pics of herself ( she’s very attractive )
2) blanking me whenever he was about
3) talking about past boyfriends and men always coming onto her
4) picking me bsck up as soon as she was free
5) never letting me sleep if I was tired and she wanted sex. Never stroking my back ( my favourite way to feel close )
When I put her as a man and me as a woman I concluded that I’d advise the woman that he was a wanker and was being used.
I think the fact she was a woman lead me to believe for such a long time that she could surely not be using me.
This article has nailed it for me.
Any advice how I resist the urge when I inevitably feel tempted ?
Robbie
Robbie,
First, you must delete all her contact info. Second, keep your list close. Last, and most important, address your own issues. You need to understand why you would put yourself through this non relationship. Do not date, but learn why you are choosing people that treat you poorly.
Robbie,
It seems as though you could use a shot of self esteem. I say this because if you think highly of yourself you will not be tempted to invest any more of your valuable time with this woman. You’ve seen that she is just using you for a sounding board, or as so aptly put by Natalie, a “buffer”. She is not interested in you for anything more than listening to her gripe. If she is so dissatisfied with this other chap why does she stay? You can’t help her mend her relationship and obviously that would be counter productive to your need ad desire where she is concerned. Please forget her. She only represents a big waste of your time which you could be using to find someone available. Put YOU first.
Mari I forgot thank you for your comments. I used to tell her we should part and let her get over things but she’d go into a major depression. Now it’s me feeling depressed with it all. And Tonkerbell you are right. I will never find anyone more suitable while with her. It’s made me feel I am destined to be alone , but that prospect is fine as long as I have some peace. I hope I get some but I know I need to go through the temporary pain of letting it go.
Robbie, please follow the wise advice that the ladies here gave you. I will tell you that for now, don’t worry about whether you are predestined to be alone or not. Right now, you need to cut contact with her and work on yourself. I have been working on myself for 10 months after the breakup to understand why for many years I had been engaging in safe (unavailable) relationships and allowed poor treatment of myself. I am finally now at the point where I see it all clearly. I confidently say that I realize what I had been doing wrong all this time and why. This is the time for you to listen to yourself and your needs. To date yourself so to speak. To love yourself. Be kind to yourself like you are to the people you love. Don’t worry for now about your single/couple status. That will come with time. And I believe that once you learn how to love yourself and have a positive outlook on what a relationship should be and what you want, the right person will be attracted to you and you will be attracted to her. Spend this time attending to You. This is an important phase in your life right now. You will think of relationships later. Don’t worry about it for now.
And yes, it will be painful – letting go. It takes a lot of time. I feel the pain even now, still. But it returns in little waves, which recede so fast. Time helps. Reading BR helps.If you have Faith, helps. I remember reading and writing posts back in March this year. It does get better. Time makes wonders. And you grow up and become wiser. It is really an amazing experience. An epiphany breakup. With time, maybe in a year, you will be happy that that person came into your life.
In my experience ACs use people they “date” as buffers. The ACs I dated went on full details about their previous relationships, I can’t believe that I put myself in those situations in the past. People who want you playing the buffer fall into the bigger category “people who use people”, most of them need therapy but won’t admit it. Even if you don’t go to talk to a professional you can read about psychology, which is the thing that I’m doing because I now I need to find better solutions to the same old issues. On the other hand, it’s difficult trying to change those patterns (of being the always disposable ear and other roles), I think because if you are so use to show that “face” to the world people keep expecting you to act that sad part when you want to change, oh and they get angry, really angry, they need the drama so much. I’ll keep building healthy habits.
I have been a buffer then, for sure. I am so glad to have found this website, I am new here. I wish I had found it years ago, but that is fine, I know how to conduct myself now.
I don’t like being the fallback girl/buffer/easy ear because I get nothing out of it but headaches. It does my head in and I actually have a tension headache and still have to go on with my day. So I am wondering, why am I doing that to myself? I have deleted so many people from my life, after catching up and reading this blog. I even had a snarky customer service person on the phone today and knew how to put the person in his place, no problems from now on. Not takin’ no stuff.
My wake up moment was when I read on this blog (and I paraphrase) “what is it that the other person sees in you, to think that you are the type of person to take that type of behavior.” I just have been thinking this over and over. I have to thank you Natalie, as you have saved many lives for sure and everyone’s self-respect in the end.
Thank you Sofia.
Yes it is painful but the relationship was really a long drawn out pain – fest with me inwardly screaming while she prattled on insensitively. More than once she said she wished I had curly hair and blue eyes and then I’d be her perfect man. How do I change that?!
She’s already composing beautifully worded e mails about how wrong i am and how hurtful all the people in her life are including me. Last week I read something on female narcissists and I panicked. I suppose it does not matter what she is. It’s right that I am responsible for my role. I have to make healthier choices. I would take peace and serenity as a single person over the humiliation and pain of being her buffer any day.
Thank you all for your helpful comments.
As much as you stay near to her as much more time you will need to heal yourself. The first step is to initiate contact ( and it’s not needed to even tell her ) the second is to resist the urges to answer or to get in touch. Right now I am near one post NC with a woman that I had trusted and that, but at the very beginning of our “relationship” I was the other man ( she didn’t tell that there is somebody else in the first 4 months ). When she told me about the primary man 🙂 I hit the bottom and lost my self esteem, but stayed more 4 months doubting myself where is the women that I was dating first 4 months.
I am still trying to forgive her and forgive me, but I can’t what would be the damage for me if I stayed 1 more year in this situation.
If you go to NC expect to get some stupid message from her, because she needs so much your validation and she will be doubting herself “How you dare to leave?”
If you like you can check some of the messages, that she has sent me while I was trying to start NC. Good luck.
This is a part of my story about the messages from her during NC: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/despite-good-points-we-deal-with-the-consequences-of-people-coming-as-full-packages/comment-page-1/#comment-523328
Interesting article, thanks. I am interested in the person that is involved with this man/woman, who is having a friendship that quite possibly crosses a boundary. How to react?
Personally, I found myself repeatedly in relationships with men who already have, or at some point in the relationship develop an intense friendship to another woman. Plus, it usually ends with the man leaving for this woman.
Anybody on here having similar experiences?
Stunning article!
I think the key is to not give so much in a relationship that you feel you deserve something back…this will only lead to resentment.
Mine would never come right out and talk about his other women, but had no trouble being sure some of us showed up at the same places he was. He even invited me and another woman to his dinner party. She was furious because she had found out about me…I was nice because I thought she was just another guest. I found out later from her that she would be leaving his house after sleeping with him as I was driving over to sleep with him. I finally figured out why he always took a shower before we went to bed. Anyway, when some woman would give him the heave ho, I would be the one he would call to come over and comfort him. He would be so dramatic, would just sit there and sigh, hint about his woes, and basically sitting with him was like watching paint dry. I was so stupid…I honestly thought that by my supporting him and showing him sympathy, that he would see that I was the one that stuck with him through thick and thin. WRONG! As soon as he got back on his feet and found new supply, I was ignored. I wonder sometimes if now that I have gone NC if he has ever pined about me with someone. But now I am healing and practicing indifference toward him…so it really doesn’t matter if he has pined for me for attention from someone else, or if he just has gone on. It DOESN’T matter!!! I am still suffering in my trying to get over him, but when I get weak I just remember him saying he was dreaming of uncomplicated pussy. Enough said!
Rewind, your guy hates women, please stay away x
Rewind,
What do you miss about this guy? I don’t get it!!!!!
I don’t get it either. He fed me crumbs for so long, I guess I wanted to believe he cared. I am working hard to believe in me and understand just how abusive he was. I am getting closer to the light. I won’t go into all the humiliations I have endured, but am working to figure out why I allowed it for so long.
Rewind, my support is with you on NC. Keep. To. It. Please.
And the intentions you both had while in the relationship were miles apart so it was good that the step you took to disengage has come from a place of self-worth, yay to that!
Gina.
Rewind, link below to further help you in NC.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-waiting-to-be-chosen-why-its-time-to-put-away-your-choose-me-stick/
Thank you, Gina. Great article. NC is hard but I’m doing great! And guess what…I have a sense of freedom and that my life is back to where it was before the AC entered it!
Rewind, I’ve been there. The biggest way we delude ourselves is to think our consistent understanding and support will get any kind of reward except the privilege of hearing their bafflement that life has to be so complicated! Similar to you, my ex AC would put me in the same place as other women and I increasingly felt he got some perverse pleasure from playing us off against each other, but then he would be genuinely upset and disheartened when it would blow up in his face with harsh words, tears or someone giving him the boot. He had the disclaimers that he was being straight with everyone and wasn’t promising monogamy, so believed himself a victim when things got complicated.
I used to tell myself I was the one he’d always come home to in the end, wherever he’d strayed to. Now I know that I was the one he’d come home to when more exciting and challenging options were exhausted or he just couldn’t be bothered.
You’re right it’s incredibly humiliating, and we have to recognise how unhealthy it is to accept and normalise this behaviour. I’ve seen it happen to very strong and independent women at vulnerable times, these people know how to draw them in. I like Nat’s old metaphor of fixing our broken windows, when we have all the questions about victimhood/blame – if our house has broken windows, people are more likely to break in, but they’re still criminals, and we still need to do the work to keep them away. I had my lounge window open recently and a guy tried to climb in while I was in another room, I caught him just in time, he made out that he was looking for someone and I told him he’d got the wrong house! Not sure I’ve quite got there yet with men though!
Happy b,
I agree….I KNOW he got perverse pleasure. He delighted in humliations. His disclaimer was also that he never stated he was monogamous. So that made it alright that he had several women at the same time.
I was wondering about these disclaimers too. I asserted myself with the current BF. At one point in time he laid out the disclaimer that he never assumed we would work due to age difference.
When I assumed that was the end of the relationship (as I was not going to argue if I was merely a passing time candidate) he started telling me how I heard him wrong and that he meant something totally different. Now he is blowing hot.
I guess part of me is wondering if this was a bit of truth in the slip up or if it really was something else that came out wrong. I have several of the EU signs but not the common ones which makes me question it.
In the end, how it is now doesn’t work for me and I told him that. I’m prepared to walk away if necessary. So we’ll see if it’s meant to be more or less.
Anon, I think a lot of what is said by EUs in particular about their feelings is b.s. So I would ask whether his actions are generally loving and respectful and if you like him enough. Then do ask him about this comment especially in a thoughtful rather than angry moment. I think EUs when cornered say the thing in their mind that justifies their actions, makes sense, dramatizes, what have you – basically, they freak out and since they often dont know what they feel or why they do what they do they will make stuff up [its not lies I dont think, its not true either, they probably dont even know]. I had someone say this to me [a disclaimer as he freaked out about other things, that he didn’t see a long term potential] and this after months of us being ambivalent friends – to some extent we had already demonstrated that we were interested in each other, if you can maintain some interest for months then that doesnt mean you have to get married but it also doesnt mean you can have no future. Of course like you I wouldn’t contest someone telling me this – I dont need to convince a guy, but I also didn’t take it seriously. We didn’t stay together for other reasons but I think these comments are actually indications of their inability to engage in straight forward thinking and communication than their actual disinterest …
Thank you for the comments Suki.
This guy basically calls me daily and wanted to move in with me. He has never been with a woman for than 2 years (he’s 50). Never married. He swears that he wouldn’t do this unless he was serious. But I question whether there is an emotional connection on his side.
He never tells me anything about me other than an occasional my life is better with you in it. No loving words, nothing about how I’m great or beautiful. No I love you. Most of the conversation is superficial stuff about current events. The only stuff he ever talks to me about his personal life is a little about his current/previous jobs and his childhood.
Lately only wants to watch tv or play online when I’m home. He has difficulty seeing his part in things which is also concerning to me. For the current issues I raised about how I’m not going to live in this in between emotional state, he blamed my child (who likes him but never warmed to him), that we do not sleep in the same be dude to his snoring, how he can’t go back and forth emotionally, etc.
Since the talk he has stepped up a lot so far. He’s spending more time with us (though I still feel like I have to coax and invite him sometimes to participate), helping around the house, etc. but still not much emotional connection changes.
In the meantime I’m craving closeness by this point and a strong emotional connection. I almost feel like when Nat says a guy is giving his 100% not realizing it’s really a crumb. This is why is am suspecting EU.
Anom,
It doesn’t sound like he can go beyond the superficial. Is this enough to sustain you? Also, be honest with yourself as to why you are with him. Is it simply because you don’t want to be alone?
Wow Rewind, so glad you’ve disentangled yourself from that, good for you. Its amazing the things we’ll put up with isn’t it and the behaviour we end up condoning through sticking around?
I think hanging onto and remembering their worst is the best armour we have. One day, in the last few weeks of my relationship with my ex, he called to say he wouldn’t be able to call me at later time because him and his wife and started having some fertility treatment (yes really). He added that he could call me so I could join him for his part of the appointment if I wanted to – if you catch my drift? Yes really. My flesh crawls and my insides flip when I think of it, everything SCREAMS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, AC ALERT! To think I was so weakened I pushed that down and stuck in there a few more weeks – as if this person would ever be someone I or anyone else could trust as a life partner!?!?
“uncomplicated pussy”? Seriously? What he wanted to say with this? Is this some kind of passive aggressive comment, that you are having desires?
Oh, he has said worse.
This is my first post on BR. Just wanted to say that the whole site, Natalie’s articles and all the reader comments are so supportive and helpful:) I am day 3 of NC (attempt 4!) and feeling good so far. I have got to break out of this cycle and move forward with my life. Thanks everyone 🙂
Ellie, you can do it. It hurts, but you CAN do it, one day at a time, and it can and does make a huge difference.
You can invent a Rewards Program for every week you don’t break NC, and buy yourself something nice.
And you can keep The Box – which can be real or mental; the place where you store ONLY the bad things about the person. When tempted to break NC, just get out The Box and review all the reasons why you won’t be contacting them ever again.
Hang in there.
Thanks Ethelreda:) Love the Rewards idea – i am already ticking off the days on my calendar so maybe i’ll put a star on every 7 days and then go shopping – woo!:-)
It does hurt so very much, but i know its for the best x
I agree about the rewards. I make a game out of it. For a while he was calling me at work all the time. I started to keep a tally: every time he called me and I did not answer (caller ID), I got ten dollars toward buying clothes. In one day when he was being particularly persistent I racked up a hundred dollars and went out and got myself a nice new dress. Every month on the 19th (my NC Anniversary) I go out and by myself some new piece of Jewelry. I reward myself again and again when I do the right thing. Sometimes it’s something little like a Mocha because I am making progress. Love yourself. Treat yourself like the wonderful person you are!
Go for it Ellie! Make sure you look after yourself – with a few rewards for doing so well. Keep it up – you do not want to know what it is like when you don’t.
Thanks Oona. Feeling strong so far but also a little disappointed that i havent heard anything, had been clinging to a little hope that going NC would make her come crawling back! Oh dear 😉
That is the true killer. Going non contact to make them actually want you back? – will end in more tears and more prolonged pain – believe me – I tried that one a number of times – for years. Torture. They won’t contact, simple, unless they are really really cruel and want an ego stroke of you before they get shady again. So thank something they haven’t contacted.
The reason for your non contact is to take away YOUR locked focus on them and put it back onto you, where it should be anyway – if you are still yearning for them to come and rescue you from your sadness – you are still focused on them making you happy and not focused on making yourself happy. Take your control back.
It is early days for you yet, so do not be hard on yourself – just be aware – it is natural to still want them to contact – so long as you do NOT act on this feeling, in any way!!! And I mean it – you will eventually be not only fine but you will become much happier in the process.
Find something to distract yourself, meanwhile, for everytime you get the urge – like reading one of natalie’s articles in the older posts above, each time – or writing a post each time and see if that helps. Be good to yourself. Best of luck.
Ellie – ethelreda’s idea of the box above is really good – I didn’t have a box but I did a list and it helped me in the natural moments of weakness you get.
Ellie,
That is so not what NC is for! The no contact is for you and you alone so you can heal, grieve and move on. NC is not a game and is bloody hard.
Elle,
Don’t you want to break the cycle?
If you know it’s unhealthy, why do you want to return? When is enough, enough?
Good one again Natalie. Just watched this film about being careful about the beginnings in the relationships of your life because these will eventually also be the end of the relationship.
So in the case of the buffer – who at the beginning – sacrifices themselves (lovingly) by supporting the other person in the hope of a reward… that never comes – beware – because it will invariably end with having sacrificed themselves and their boundaries in the hope of a reward – that in reality really doesn’t come. All buffers that cling to the ‘relationship’ do so in order to keep the fantasy of the reward alive in their heads.
To all buffers – you are starting a relationship on the basis of you sacrificing yourself and gratefully receiving crumbs as evidence that you will have a loaf one day. Is love really sacrifice – where your needs are never heard let alone met and your problems never shared and your boundaries never aired?
I have been told that I will not be chased by my lover as she is convinced ‘how totally unreasonable ‘ I have been. That would be me saying I’m no longer being her emotional air bag while she moons over her adulterous and narcissistic hushusband. She wants to meet up however. I have said no. I know my weakness. That’s not something I will be doing. Anyway. We are all talked out.
Ok Robbie, she is playing games here. She is not your lover, she never was technically, so drop that term for your own sanity.
If she was, she would not call you unreasonable for what is blatantly a shitty situation at your expense. She knows this, but disrespects you by not owning it.
She wants to meet up because she knows it is a more effective way to lull and manipulate you back into this madness.
Stay strong, many of us on here have done rounds and rounds of this shit and its uncanny how these AC’s are so alike.
Robbie,
When I said to mine, that I am going NC she didn’t give me a chance for real conversation in person ( everything was texting ). I really didn’t want to say NC by text and I crossed the line, so I knocked on her door. Well the door stayed closed and I got a text asking if I am insane. Well I said, that I know that I am crossing the line, but this is THE END and this is the last chance if she wants to speak with me in person. I went home and I was about to delete her from FB, but she already deleted me. Ok on the next day I felt very confused and just sent very pathetic message saying, that I am just forgiving if she is feeling guilty about something in the last moths ( well weeks after this message I realized, who am I to tell to the people that they are feeling guilty and I am forgiving them? Nobody have asked me. ) Anyway she answered, that nothing happened and that the last night she just freaked out ( she was pressing the reset button ). I never initiated a conversation with her after this day. NC!
After all the drama, she couldn’t believe that I am cutting her from my life. I got 3 more phony messages from her in the next months ( nothing about what happened … she was pressing the reset button ), but after the 3rd she just was moved in the SPAM folder. These people are panicking when they are loosing their emotional supply and they are ready on “everything” instead of stepping back and revisiting the situation and doing reality check. I changed the time when I go to work, I changed my route when I was going home after work ( she was going with her kid on a baker near 200 meters from my home and I didn’t want to bump on them ), I cut contact with our shared friends because I didn’t want to know anything about her ( she became friend with some of my friends, because her kid was also playing with their kid … anyway I didn’t want to spread what person she is, because I didn’t what to affect somehow the kid ).
Give yourself time and distance and you will get better point of view about what you’ve experienced. Stay optimistic! 🙂
Robbie – keep your dignity and self respect and stay away from this person – she is not fit. Move on. You are doing really well.
By the way – thank something she WON’T chase you!! – it means you can get on with your life much quicker without her messing with your head – however – some people’s actions unfortunately do not match their words. Hope she keeps these words though because for once it will be better for you.
Robbie,
Isn’t she adulterous and narcissistic, too?
It’s been about a year since I started reading BR, and same time since I separated from husband. My life has improved so much, less stressful, less fear, more fun & more money without him!! Although I was not fallback girl I was a wife who accepted less than treatment in the hope that one day he would realise he was acting badly & change. All thru our 6 years of marriage I could not trust him when he went out, or on the Internet or when I was away. he was a liar & although did not appear smart he was a manipulator. Reading ur stories I can see so many similar actions from these people, they are users & abusers. I really think I used to be silly around men, in the way that I rushed into things, I’ve been separated for a year now & have not met anyone yet, but I have a feeling I will at some point & will know how to be careful when entering a relationship. I want my young daughter to know these skills when she’s growing up – it’s important in so many ways. Today ex husband was supposed to pick up daughter & he was 2 hrs late – no call, no txt – just left us waiting……still a loser, no change there, even tho he cries redemption. Good luck all on NC – after a year I can say the peace & happiness I have is worth keeping strong for – I do not have any regrets & yes I kept a list of all the cruel, lying, cheating things he did & that is one tactic to maintain NC, although I wish I didn’t have so much hate for him, it’s better than feeling sorry for him!!!
Genki, I can certainly empathize being married to the same kind of man (even tho it was only 3 years), who lied, cheated and betrayed me once too often. We’re older (no kids) but being NC for 3 months now has been the best thing I could have done. His lies and manipulation would have just continued if I allowed him to speak to me.
Good for you for taking your time and protecting your daughter. And you are setting a wonderful example for her by modeling healthy behaviors.
Some of these NPD/AC men think women are here to be used for their sick purposes and when we stop letting them get away with their c…p behaviors, we are the winners. All the best to you.
S.S.
Another thing…..I really did wonder how people could become the fallback but I generally believe & trust people – that is where its very important to look at actions more than words as Nat has noted in many if her blogs.
I’m now so angry at myself for having out up with so much. Is that natural or healthy ?
Robbie being angry is healthy, it indicates that you understand now and how your boundaries were violated.
Work through the anger, let it come up and out and don’t tell yourself off for being angry – it shows you have self esteem , and self belief .
Yeah, anger … it’s normal. Sometimes I have flashbacks and I get a bit angry, because I was tricked and etc, I find the anger in cases like this totally valid feeling.
What matters is the Time, the Distance, the NC! and being kind to ourself!
Robbie, it is natural and healthy to be angry. You will be angry a lot at first, then it will subside, then it will come back in waves. As long as your life doesn’t become full of anger, it is fine what you are experiencing. I couldn’t become angry for 2 – 3 months post breakup. I internalized the anger, which turn into self-blame and depression. Then all of sudden I started feeling anger and it felt good!! Be angry, scream, and pound the pillow, or whatever non-violent, non-harmful to yourself or anyone, you can come up with. Gym and doing intense cardio or lifting heavy weights will temporarily relieve it. Physical work. Expect for your anger come and go, it is all normal. Don’t worry and let yourself fully feel it. Just don’t do anything crazy of course. You will go through anger, and denial, and bargaining, and shame and guilt, and depression many times. I am still cycling over and over 10 months after; however, it is all much milder. Smaller waves and leading toward the acceptance. It takes time.
From what you describe: she is a person whom you should leave behind. Block her. Don’t respond. One day maybe you will feel sorry for her, for she didn’t know what she was doing at the time and what harm she was doing to you and herself and others involved. For now, the only way to separate yourself from all of this is go complete NC. That’s the first and most important step.
I go and scream at the top of the hill into the wind and out of earshot of anyone.
Anger is one of the five parts of grief (essential for getting over a relationship) and as others state is natural and nothing to be ashamed or worried about.
Do NOT repress it or turn it inwards on yourself ie use it to beat yourself up.
Acknowledge it and let it out in SAFE environments for yourself and others.
Robbie, I feel anger, guilt, shame, deep deep sadness, confusion. I also feel the temptation to get back in touch. It’s not love though, it’s more like if you have something in your mouth that’s sore and you just can’t help prodding at it with your tongue. I can’t wait to feel empowered and inspired like all these great supporters we have on here. We’ll get there, just have to stay strong and NC.
Brit G you are doing well already! Well done. It is a really hard thing to do especially with all those emotions. Keep going and be kind to yourself.
Wow I kinda feel the same, but my situation is a little different. Hope I can get some good advice/thoughs. Me and her were boyfriend/girlfriend in 5th and 6th grade. I suddenly moved to the next town over the summer, we lost contact, and hadnt spoken until a few months ago. We immediately hit it off. Started talking, skyping, texting, all that stuff. Then I move back to our home town and we reconnect. We sleep together the first night we hung out. We are both divorced single parents. We slept together almost every night for weeks. I was in desperat need of a place while staying at my sisters and she needed to move out of her parents, so we got an apartment together, just as roommates, but I knew I wanted more. After getting the place we slept together a few times but I could tell things were changing. One day she just tells me that she realizes shes no longer in love with me. Things are awkward for about a week or two. And now she’s already dating/sleeping around. Of course it makes me furious because she has told me she has let go, but now she wants to be able to talk to me when she needs someone to talk to. I love her, I always will, so of course I said I would be there for her no matter what, hoping she would come back to me someday. So yesterday we had our first real conversation in a long time. Then that night she tells me all the things she wants in a relationship and I had the guts to ask her why me when I had given her everything. She told me I was too available and came darting at her. Given this may be true, I was at a very changing point in my life and just so happen to be very available. But anyways, that’s what she said. I know I still love her, and still want to be here for her. Its just hard, not knowing what may become again of our friendship or what won’t become. And we still live together. 11 months left on the lease.. Us and our 2 kids.
Jarad,
Just because you love someone does not mean that you have to stick around and be their counselor – You can love someone, but YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE!
Basically, what she said, is that you’re being a doormat, and by being available to her after she dumped you is proving her point.
This is not a healthy situation for you, but more importantly, it is not a healthy situation for your kids!
Get out of that house!!!!!!!
Jared,
I’m sorry but “too available”?? YOu are being used. Is there no way you can break the lease?
Jared, in a way I wish you had not moved in so fast with the kids, but maybe you can make the best of the situation. In front of the kids you should keep up appearances of being friendly. But between the two of you, you need to call a truce, and realize that your love for each other is based on past safety feelings and that the new feelings are too new to name right now.
Do you trust her? If it is unclear, then the answer may be no. If the answer is no, stop sleeping together while you are working on figuring that out.
In the perfect world, I would say no sleeping together as if it ends, it will be confusing for the kids. If you are really more like roommates, inside and out of the house, the kids will just remember this as a time where they got to live with another cool family. They won’t remember sulking, yelling, arguments and all that grownup stuff, if you keep this all on the up and up and become real room mates. I had an ex I found again 23 years later. I realized, really, that I only knew him the few years we were together, and the years apart do not count as tacked on years, they really don’t.
I hope you can be room mates for the kids’ sake, as it will feel safer for them. You may be in love, but make sure it is with the current person, not the memory person. Best of luck to you, this is a hard situation to navigate either way.
Thank you Soulful and Louise.
It’s strange to think the behaviour she exhibits is not unique at all but shared by many Acs. I suppose it’s a case of just different names. But women can be ACs too ?
Yes, man or woman, it doesn’t matter. ACs everywhere!
It is shocking when you finally wake up and are aware – it helps of course that now you know what a rubbish relationship looks and feels like – you can now help yourself avoid it earlier hopefully, if not altogether.
Next you will be amazed at how many you spot BEFORE getting in too deep with them – that you would never have spotted and acted on before – this can be worrying because all of a sudden it can seem like EU a**clown’s are everywhere and that it is hopeless but thankfully people who ARE emotionally available – are everywhere also – we just were looking in the wrong direction before – if we were looking at all.
It is empowering – is what I’m trying to say really badly. Work out carefully what you are looking for next time – based on what you didn’t have this time that you needed? and put it in ink, have it with you, so that the next time you are tempted by someone – you can use the checklist and if they don’t match it perfectly – you KNOW what they are and you don’t waste your time.
And thank you Still Mr U, Brit G and Sofia. The mixture of anger and longing and relief. It’s a roller coaster.
An enlightening experience with the massage therapist taught me how I’m still setting myself up for failure with users. The massage therapist told me, “Relax! Let ME do the work.” I didn’t know it until that moment that I was unconsciously “helping” her by moving my head and limbs into various positions. She’s an older woman and she said it as a strong, tender mother would say it. I wanted to cry. THAT’S what a mother is supposed to feel like to a child–a safe place to rest. My mother wasn’t safe. I grew up being an emotional parent to her.
I’ve learned how to stop armchair therapy but I’m noticing how easy it’s been to use me in other ways, such as calling me up for a date just out of boredom or a “friend” taking advantage of my compassion and financial stability. I’ve stopped that too now that I know what a poor life manager she is. She would still need help even if her life skills were up to par(mine still need some work) but she’s mismanaging what little she has and I need to protect myself.
Now that I’m becoming more aware of the forms that disrespect takes, I want to know what respectful treatment looks like. I need a baseline of comparison.
Yes Rosie it wasn’t until I worked out the ‘baseline’ that I really started to KNOW what positive relationships actually felt like – and also what they didn’t feel like, until then, like you, its like only having half of the picture and all my relationships I chose to invest in, felt fairly similar – because they were – all negative – yet I was convinced one of them must be positive – I kept looking among the negative relationships for a positive one – convinced they were in there somewhere – if only I worked harder or was more perfect….
I found my benchmark randomly and at a moment I wouldn’t have expected at the time but in hindsight may have guessed – a moment when I had had enough – I’d done lots of ‘work’ here and other places, like you have, and finally was being completely myself in public(!), no masks, no hiding like before, no expensive disguise to bankrupt ME and hide the truth – just me in my normal clothes – and I was not only enough but felt perfectly good and wonderful, as I was.
It is possible, it has happened for me and I know of others it has also happened for when things were not possible in any of their ‘family’ relationships.
Jared, I think you should move on and have separate lives. She’s not there in the relationship that you want.
Yes, ACs are everywhere, offline and online too. I stopped dating several years ago because of the disappointment of many failed relationships, and now I’m surprised to find that in online communities there are people who pretend to reach you in not very healthy ways. The impression that I have is that there are people who use sharing stuff like reblogging and such, as a lazy way of relating to other people.
Loved the article. My ex pulled this stuff on me. The last two years of the relationship, eh was busy talking to a couple of buffers about how horrible of a person I was and how miserable he was in the relationship. They both started as coworkers…the first buffer eventually stopped talking to him shortly after she met me and realized I wasn’t the monsters he made me out to be. The second one, well she was married with a small child and they both used each other as a buffer…complaining to each other about how bad their SO were.
I would love to emphasize is that for those that are Buffers, this person who is confiding in you about how horrible their SO is…they are only giving you a fraction of the story and they will lie to you about it to make them seem more like a victim. They aren’t victims.
The one thing I wish the article address is when the Buffer “wins”. The times when the user will actually leave their SO for a Buffer. That is my story and to be honest, I am so happy he had that Buffer and that he left me for her. He was incredible emotionally abusive to me and I thank every day that he is out of my life. But for her…for Buffers out there. Do you realize the “prize” you “won”? She “won” an emotionally abusive assclown…what a “prize”. Plus why do you think that “prize” is going to be any different to YOU.
This is such a great comment. I would also like to see the “buffer winning” situation commented on. It’s also my situation … but like you, I am so glad that she won!
Marianna, I agree wholeheartedly with your post. MY SO of 7 years just broke up with me with a Buffer who is in our social circle. She had a SO (she claims it was not a commited relationship but I am not sure her BF knew that). While we had been having troubles for some time, I never suspected that for about 3 months he has been Facebook messaging her about a car she wanted to buy…it turned into a shoulder for him to cry on about how bad our relationship was. She didn’t stop it but claims she was just a friend encouraged him to talk it out with me. She also said she KNEW he liked her and still did nothing to turn him away. She was a snake in the grass getting an ego boost. He left me 3 weeks ago for her and she dumped her boyfriend too. So now they are together. My ex claims he is in love with her and he thinks she is in love with him. He’s taking her to meet his family. We shall see what happens. He emotionally abused me for years and never said I love you once in 7 years so I know I am better off, but I never deserved the humiliation and cruelty I received. They both suck. I hope you are doing okay. I am not yet, but I will get there. I was married and with my wonderful hubby for 21 years before he passed away and I took up with my SO. I feel like I wasted the past 7 years and let myself be played. Lessons learned.
My ex dumped his previous GF for me. Then she became his Buffer…oh she couldn’t get enough of him! AND she would do things like leave her earring in his car where I could see it, stop by his house and leave her hair in the bathroom sink I used. On Thanksgiving Day 2012 she had the gall to leave him gift wrapped presents at his front door when I was there. (Oh he tried to tell me he actually paid for the gifts…right.)So many lies…the games people play.
Thanks, but no thanks…she can have the NPD/AC “prize”. I think she finally got smart and hit the road with another man who will take care of her.
My sweetest revenge is living well and enjoying my life that I have reclaimed.
I think buffers are everywhere. I have been sharing my flat for eleven or so years with a friend who is in a relationship with a man I really don’t like. He doesn’t come to the flat when I am there, which is cool because it is my flat, and in my dealings with him, he doesn’t like women much and tells us all what to do, and is a sleaze ball.
She, my flat mate, goes between the two venues : his and mine.
She pushes her luck with me, and I argue with her, then she’s off to her guys place. We are all nearly fifty, it makes me want to cry.
I have had my fair share of AC,EUMS and filthy abusers.
The last year has been amazing for me. No more abusive relationships with men, and my career has applauded me for this new self worth . with some great freelance projects.
However my home life is still co dependant, which I have to tackle next.
So although she is female, although it is not a sexual relationship,and I don’t actually even like her that much, most days…it still has all the trademarks of being with a AC, and being in something so unhealthy …
I got myself into this, how insecure and fragmented I must have been to allow this initally to happen. Actually I just needed someone to help me with the rent, being that I live in a really expensive city …
I do set boundaries, then things gradually slip back to her not doing anything around the flat and then dissapearing to his place and leaving it all in a mess and sulking. She then returns, wants to help me with my work and is all sweetness and light. She has to go, what a strange buffer I still am…
Thanks for article Nat, great…
This sounds just like my ex. I supported him through so much bullsh*t, and let him treat me like crap for most of our two year relationship.
I finally started putting my foot down, and stopped chasing after him when he would have his temper tantrums and disappear on me (usually when I needed some comfort or closeness) … around this time he got a new job (one more thing that I supported him through), and what does he do? He starts flirting with one of the (much younger and immature) checkout girls who works for his company. They started having lunch together every day behind my back, and he would delete all of their text conversations before he saw me.
Eventually we broke up (he wanted to go on a break so that he could see where things would go with / sleep with her) and I immediately went NC on his dumb ass and he was shocked that I had decided to “cut him out” of my life.
It’s been over a year since I’ve talked to this AC, and I am so happy that I didn’t stay friends with him (like he had wanted). I still have a great job/family/life, plus now I have a wonderful new boyfriend who is AMAZING to me and is the total opposite of my ex.
… just wanted to get that off my chest and out there for those who may need some encouragement that things can get better if you’re willing to stick to your guns and make some changes. I’m so glad I did.
Dragon,
Good for you!!!
Thank you all. We haven’t slept together in a few weeks and have no intention to. She is dating other guys and I am just the ‘buffer’ as we are stating, someone to talk to. and oh with the lease, I am the only one on it and can’t afford to live there on my own or break the lease. I love her but I think I have let go for the most part..
Jared,
Can’t you find another roommate? A friend or relative?
Next time, please consider the impact your decisions have on your children. It may be better to wait a significant amount of time before introducing someone to your kids, even more so, moving in together. This is very confusing and provides much instability.
Most of NL’s posts hit the mark in a general way, but this is one of the posts that hits it in a specific way. I’ve been a man’s buffer for almost 4.5 years. Started out as an affair, then a long period of distance while he worked on repairing things with the wife. That period of distance was the healthiest part of our relationship. Then, part two started. he separated from his wife, but moved right on with another of his Other Women (moved right into her house from his marital house). The new girlfriend (former OW), the man, and I all became friends. In retrospect, I opened myself up right away to be the buffer in this dynamic. Within a few months, the man started having problems with his girlfriend, and there I was, serving as the buffer, hearing out his problems, the long emails… playing out the role that felt so familiar. In not too long, we were having a sexual affair again. I guess I was the gateway, because he then took little pains to hide from me that he was back online, “dating” (hooking up… perhaps adding more new women to the harem). The cherry on the sundae is that he has decided he wants to go back to his wife. It’s not going to happen that easily for him, because his wife isn’t ready to take him back, but, you see the picture. I knew at this point that I had to look hard at what I was doing, and I began to do the work to pull out. He stopped pursuing me for sex two months ago, once he was deep back into on-line dating AND chasing his estranged wife, but I still was being inappropriate with him… feeding off his drama by being his armchair psychologist, being “the one person” he could talk to. It isn’t safe to talk about anything.
When will it be safe? When HE reforms? When HE stops being a nasty predator? No. This has nothing to do with him. It will be safe when I learn to stop casting myself into this role. He isn’t the person who needs to earn my trust. I need to become trustworthy. I need to recognize when my “helpful” instinct is manipulative. I need to stop preying off his misery, his girlfriend’s misery, his wife’s misery. One big wakeup call was when I realized I would panic when he said he was happy, and feel more calm when he said he was miserable. That is terrible! I will never find happiness within if these are my conditions.
I am upset with myself for relegating a guy who might actually be great to buffer and emotional airbag. The thing is I know he’s strong but I am absolutely taking advantage of him. I am an EUW and he’s a good dude.
Now to be fair I know exactly how I became this way, why I want and need to change, and what I want. The trouble is I’ve sabotaged this and several other good thing by doing this. I’m working on it. I’m forcing no contact because I am not playing fair. I know I have low self-esteem and have taken advantage of people. It’s terrifying to think that ice hurt people in this way while accusing them of hurting me. But it does hurt me. It’s so wrong.
The best thing about this guy is that he is my second greatest cheerleader. He is giving me the time I need and the advice I need because he’s amazing. When I start feeling low he points out the irrational thoughts. But he wanted us to be together until I began treating him like an EU. He’s respectful and patient and just wants what’s s best for me even if it’s putting distance between us. But I’ve lost him. I mean maybe he’s playing the one game and waiting in bus own way. I suggest this because I’ve been harder on him than any man ice ever encountered and yet he continues to build me up and force me to appreciate myself. He’s not afraid. He’s kind, hes gorgeous, he places healthy boundaries and still believes in me when I don’t believe in myself. And yet the more he proved himself the more I choose to leave him be. I know it hurts because under all that compassion and wisdom he is fragile. But he is self sacrificing, in that he’ll give up to support me but he won’t let me bullshit him. I’ve no idea what to do.
Tessa, do you even like this guy? I mean is there a relationship beyond cheerleading? What is this gorgeous kind fabulous caring man getting out of a one-way relationship with someone that is needy and doesnt seem to need him so much as the cheerleading? [this sounds a bit harsh I know but you have portrayed yourself very passively and it remains possible that he likes to fix people up to feel good about himself]. You dont need just a supporter in life, you need a partner. Perhaps you do have low self-esteem so you are not seeing the contributions you make to him, or that a lot of what he is doing is being normal nice rather than cheerleading [if its normal nice then he’s not an emotional airbag]. Also, I assume you are telling him your problems all the time so he jumps in to support? Why isn’t he just your friend then? Why go NC with a good friend that supports you?
C – dawg.
You have made me realise that part of me was happy when things went wrong in her life. I am not a nasty person by nature ( I think). I certainly don’t delight in others misfortune but it’s very telling I did partly with her. I think it mostly most have been resentment at how I was being treated. Now re – phrased to how I allowed myself to be treated.
Robbie,
Yes… that to me was a real red flag on my own behavior. I felt serene when he was miserable, and anxious when he was happy. I, too, had always perceived myself as a “normally nice” person, and my reactions were at odds with my self-image. For a long time, I had rationalized that I had a right to my reactions because I was really attached to how things would turn out for him, and invested in how that would affect me. That is a sign that you are hanging way too much of your emotional state on someone else’s issues, which could indicate codependency.
I had the unique opportunity to watch him “promote” another of his lovers out of the buffer-zone into the role of primary lover, then to watch him treat her the same way he treated his wife (that is, complain about her, cheat on her, use me, and presumably others, as buffers). As this was my second time around being the buffer, as the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” This is my pattern, and its up to me to break it. But, watching that play out makes it clear that this fellow I’ve pitted myself with is not capable of evolving into a reciprocating partner if the right fallback girl loves him enough. This fallback girl is not going to cultivate a mutually reciprocating relationship until she learns not to cast herself as the fallback girl.
Kudos to all of us for seeing the part we play in getting used as a buffer. It’s humbling to have that awareness. Sometimes the shame can get me down, but I try to rise above the paralyzing judging, as long as I can refrain from the actual acting-out (offering my services as the buffer, teasing him out to talk about his misery, positioning, etc.). Seek out your other friends (the healthy ones), and you will delight in realizing how sustained you feel after time in your company. The AlAnon literature makes reference to the addictive quality of “excited misery”; making someone else’s drama your problem, but it is that “excited misery” that eats away at our composure and makes us physically ill. Once we realize that we chose to make company with “excited misery”- that it is rarely forced on us, it becomes easier to decide to avoid it, to erect good boundaries, to catch ourselves when we subconsciously ask for in in the seemingly-innocent and caring questions we ask these people; “How were things with the wife this weekend?” Avoid, avoid, avoid.
The guy for whom I served as a buffer talked openly about how he had to learn to deeply compartmentalize in order to relate to numerous women at once. I didn’t appreciate his statement until I realized that I had learned the same skill, myself. I had grown numb to the world around me, and I willingly sold my emotional availability to make this so-called-friendship with this man work. I started seeing people as cheaply as he did. I started interpreting other people’s openness and vulnerability as a threat, and preferred the faux-boundaries that came from people who were emotionally dead for the most part, but would let it all out through love/sex binges that they would then safely retreat from. I am only now crawling out of this state of being, perhaps vulnerable to being pulled back in.
Tessa,
You let him go.
It doesn’t sound like you are ready to let someone in, so you just end up using and hurting them – put yourself in his shoes.
Let this guy go, as it it sounds like he may have some co-dependent issues, or why would he be sticking around for rejection.
Nom-nom-nom, more food for thought! I love the way these posts keep coming, “arming” me with knowledge of the various types of depth charges to watch for as I learn to navigate my way through the treacherous waters of (eventually) becoming newly single after 15 years in a bad marriage. Okay…deep breath…I am going to come clean here and fess up that I let myself get enticed into an online affair during the time that I have been trying to get myself out of aforementioned really, really f’d-up marriage, and after reading this article realize that my “other man” gives every indication of having inserted himself into my life as a “buffer”. From conversations he and I have had, I infer that he may very well have a pattern of playing the buffer role, so now I wonder what that portends for this relationship.
I would be very happy to have this person replace my outgoing husband once I complete that process, but after reading this, I am not so sure anymore. Particularly after reading the linked piece about rebound relationships and buffers “hiding your own feelings by buffering them”, and another one I found that addresses the various kinds of unavailable relationships and characterises online affairs as “sheer intimacy avoidance”. I had my suspicions that he may have some availability issues. I have a long history of emotional unavailability and intimacy avoidance/commitment resistance myself and wonder if this (virtual) relationship can come back from that and successfully transition into real life or if it’s inevitably DOA. The big picture is beginning to come into focus, and there is a fair bit more dark matter in there than I had originally thought.
Again, I was absolutely happy to have a buffer I was attracted to and interested in and have an unusually large amount of common ground with appear out of the blue when I was at my wits’ end with my current relationship and can (or COULD until I read this chain of posts!) imagine a worthwhile future with. I have also been given a long pause for thought about my current predicament and the impact it will have on future relationships for both me and my eventual ex husband…I’ll try to condense this tortuous backstory to a manageable length:
As best I can tell, Current Outgoing Husband has been just using me as a homeless shelter and life support machine while I for the most part have been out of the intimate relationship for many years and just held captive by guilt and lack of funds to send him packing or move out and get myself into parasite-free housing. We got a “trial run” at being separated when he went back to his country of origin (Japan) to work a seasonal job for five months there (we have immigration issues in play as well on this side of the pond), and he just came back here (to L.A.) this week.
I do love and care about him very much despite his abuse and generally egregious treatment of me that I have come to realize I was complicit in by cooperating/putting up with it, but it has become crystal-clear to me over the years and especially during this time apart that I would be better off loving him (the husband) from a safe distance and making myself available for a relationship with someone (hopefully my “other man”) who is both of interest to me/interested IN me, AND capable of a mutually fulfilling relationship. Before I even do that though, I absolutely owe it to myself to do as my “other man” recommended and “learn to enjoy swimming again instead of just fighting to keep my head above water” first. While the current husband was away I did get fleeting glimpses of what my life could be like if my default settings were in the right places (completely irrespective of having someone else in my life), and it was good!
The biggest problem for me now is this: the husband and I have a musical project we have been working on together for the past 15 years that has produced a large amount of original creative output and is continuing to create more. In fact, we have only recently acquired the capacity to take it to a whole new level on the production side and have loads of new material in the pipeline. While I feel mostly resolved that the marriage is kaput due to the sheer scale of our incompatibility as a couple (we have NEVER been sexually compatible, are highly incompatible on a day-to-day habits/priorities/lifestyle level and have profound conflicts across the board at a core values level!), I feel strongly that we are not done as artistic partners yet and it would be a colossal shame and waste to lose the art that we have worked and fought so hard for during upwards of 30% of the entire time that I have existed in this life (he’s a few years older than me so it’s around 27% for him) and this is the embodiment of our shared hopes and dreams and artistic vision that we both want to keep alive.
Assuming that we are able to split up but continue working together, would this inevitably make both of us unavailable for new relationships? I have good reason to believe that it would be more difficult for him to continue working with me in the event of a divorce than for me to continue the artistic collaboration free of the marriage. As I write this, I realise that I need to do some deeper excavating for other possible reasons for which I might be reluctant to let go of the marriage, such as my long-standing rationalisation that I’m afraid he would end up alone, which I just now recognize as a front to mask my own fear of getting caught out alone, which is extremely unfair and cruel to him. With that new discovery I sit here watching all the false constructs that have been holding this theoretically impossible relationship up for 15 years collapsing around my feet and feel like an utter asshole.
Thanks for listening….
Brenda K,
This “other man” signals code red unavailability – he prefers to eat up his time in a fantasy – playing the role of online buffer ‘man friend’ to a similarly fantasy prone unavailable woman going through a marriage break up, to getting out in the real world to meet emotionally available women interested in actual human relationships. That is of course if he is really who he says he is.
For starters, I think you need to reconsider your default understanding and assumptions about this “other man”. In reality you know nothing about him at all, nothing about who he really is and whether he is emotionally available. So called ‘on line’ affairs are pure fantasy from the perspective of all participants, no more and no less. Everything you think you know about him has been concocted in your imagination. The same goes for him as regards you. People unfold in real life, not behind a computer/smart phone screen within a controlled and artificial virtual world.
Online “affairs”, online “relationships”, “getting to know someone” online – all complete misnomers. And always carried out by those who are, at the time, emotionally unavailable.
Brenda,
I agree with Lizzp! Have you even met this guy?
You need to finish up with your husband, before even considering a relationship with another – I would even recommend a two-year break from relationships after divorce. You don’t need to go from man to man, but need to deal with your issues.
No offense, but you sound all over the place. I think you need to get the husband out of the house, and then see if you can work on the music career together. I hope you will not continue with this man solely in hopes that your
career will take off – It kind of sounds like an excuse to stay put.
I think you really need to take some action. You sound very scared of making change, but I think you have had a taste of how peaceful it is w/o your husband present.
Good luck
Brenda K. You are emotionally unavailable right now and that’s the only thing that counts. No relationship will be successful until you sort that out. You are in a complete fantasy and your post reads like a book or a play – complete drama.
Get your head out of fantasy land and join reality.
In my opinion (others may differ) you are an ‘utter a**hole’ when you actively choose to stay in an abusive fantasy relationship taking everything you can get – when you KNOW and are AWARE of what you are doing NOT when you are not fully aware which it is clear you weren’t. So put that stick down, get to work and stop messing about.
Brenda K Until you are emotionally available = NO ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS.
I really want to copy your last couple of paragraphs and paste them into an e-mail to the latest on-line dud who thinks “taking it to the next level” is going from the site’s messaging system to e-mail or WhatsApp. I am so done with them; as soon as they suggest that I get this feeling they’re married or in a relationship and stringing people along for the attention. Flush!
NoMo Drama,
And just to be sure make it a double flush then add a bit of bleach.
This makes me think back through the few “relationships” I have had (the ones that were more than one-nighters), and I now realise that all were triangulated and involved a “buffer” for me. The difference from my current situation is that in almost all earlier cases I had been roped and corralled into an intimate relationship I didn’t really want (people pleaser much?), and there was always someone on the sidelines who wanted my affections but was content to settle for “less-than” attention, apparently hoping for a bigger reward. I had no idea about these dynamics then. My current situation is different in that this is the first time I have got into a relationship I wanted to be in. Yes, with a charming, sweet, endlessly fascinating, intelligent, talented and handsome man who almost instantly unfolded into an abusive, drug-addled head case who had just been jettisoned from a 20-year marriage. (Gee, I can’t imagine why!) The “buffer” (virtual affair/relationship) this time is someone I am attracted to and deeply interested in for many reasons, as opposed to the former cases where it was someone I knew in real life and “liked as a friend” but had no romantic interest in or “chemistry” with.
I now understand that what I think I know of my current “other man” / “buffer” is entirely a product of my own imagination based on what he has projected online and on camera (he appears to have an acting/theatre/film background in addition to being an exceptional writer!). This whole online relationship/affair thing is brand-new to me — I have NEVER done anything like this before and only got into it from a place of cornered desperation — and am now putting it together that even though the “other man” and I have also interacted via Skype, anyone can create any character, scene and story they want on the internet, and I cannot possibly have any reality-based notion of who they actually are until I personally meet them (I have not!) and spend enough time with them to allow them to unfold. I think I’ll just “fold” for now, agreeing that the last thing I need is more confusion and drama with another MIA/EU virtual person jamming up my mental bandwidth and give myself a major overhaul and clear my channel before I attempt another intimate relationship.
I am aware of the futility of hanging onto an obviously failed marriage in a “devil’s deal” where I compromise myself beyond the point of no return in the hope of my dream career being realised, especially since everything I have experienced so far in working with this particular person (my husband) indicates that his M.O. is to sabotage any possibility of a successful outcome to anything anywhere ever. It makes even less sense still to continue clinging to a person who has done nothing but derail me into near-total ruin.
Yes, I am indeed afraid of making any significant change to the status quo for many reasons, including the (false) belief that by now I have aged out of being able to create any worthwhile future for myself, yet I know that is exactly that: a false belief and a total cop-out. It’s not over until it really is over, and in the meantime I can create pretty much any outcome I want from whatever I have available to work with, and who knows? Once I am free from my husband’s interference and control and that incessant chaos and drama, I just might come into my own as an artist! On a post linked to this thread someone had made a comment that EU people have a terrible time breaking off relationships. I think they’re right, but why do we?
Continuing to allow this toxic mess to drag on is horribly unfair to both of us, depriving myself of the opportunity to transition out of this and move forward while enabling him in his “learned helplessness” and perpetuating a really unhealthy and destructive situation for both of us. It is indeed time to get to work! Got a massive clean-up job to do!
My heartfelt thanks to all of you for your kind and helpful advice!
P.S. I am sorry this is so disjointed! I am trying to process an enormous amount of mental debris from all the “stuff” this series of articles/comments brought up….
Brenda,
I think it a few of being alone and dealing with your issues. You sound quite scared, and are using it as an excuse to stay stuck, than achieve on your own.
You really need to alone, as all of this sounds so chaotic – I don’t know, perhaps that is what you have been comfortable with.
It also seems like you blame others a bit too much. Time for more personal responsibility in your choices.
Hope you eliminate your fantasy relationship, for his sake and yours. Sounds incredibly unhealthy!
Yes! After an oppressively controlled, over-scheduled, over-protected childhood with impossible-to-please EU but well-intended parents with their own troubled marriage, constant chaos and drama is pretty much all I have known in my entire adult life: dodgy living situations, dodgy relationships, dodgy jobs, frequent moves, incl. overseas a few times, constant financial crisis, highly unpredictable schedule and income from being a freelance artist, etc., etc., etc. I am not at all sure that I have the cognitive or experiential frame of reference to know what being mentally healthy and emotionally available looks like.
I somehow wrongly conflated “safe, stable, predictable, peaceful” with “boredom”, which I have always had some irrational terror of combined with an apparently supernatural energy level. I think you are absolutely right that I need to get off the crazy train ASAP and take a lengthy time-out for a total psychic rebuild. At what point do we just become unsalvageable?
I want to say a big thank you to Natalie, Ethelreda, Sophie, Teachable and all the others who have helped me recently achieve a really good milestone.
I finally started putting the positive back into my life (not just eliminated the negative). After reading the advice and encouragement I have received from here on BR, I’ve been getting out and about into new groups, chasing the things I love doing, using the new skills I’ve learned, learning more -all away from the abusive community I live in – its costing me a fortune in petrol but it is great and has done real wonders for me and I’m worth it. I took the first step and it really was a really hard one to take after the abuse I have known. Keep going everyone – it really does get better – even with a few new lessons along the way.
Brenda,
You are never unsalvageable, unless you choose to be.
I think you will surprise yourself with your abilities, but first, you have to take the plunge, alone!
Peace is a really nice thing.
Thanks Allison!
Taking the plunge….As I was bracing myself yesterday to initiate “*that* conversation” with my husband this weekend, a friend reached out to me and strongly recommended consulting a lawyer before I talk to him to hedge the potential drama. I’ll be making some phone calls and getting a cost estimate in the very near future, as I absolutely want to commence this next stage of the process before the old patterns creep back in since his recent return.
Allison, yes, I see that you are absolutely right about needing time alone. I just circled back and read some of the linked posts on the piece from a couple weeks ago about people coming as whole packages and realise that I have much bigger problems than just getting out of the f’d up marriage…I think I’ll need a few years of no contact with humans to sort out this mess!
Brenda K,
I can vouch for Allison’s words. You are never unsalvageable. Taking the plunge is a great thing, you just have to trust yourself enough to take that jump into your life. Making your life your own day by day is the plunge and as time passes the daily plunges transform to deliberate and welcome dives.
You can do it.
“Making your life your own day by day is the plunge and as time passes the daily plunges transform to deliberate and welcome dives.” Thank you — that makes it sound so much more manageable! Another reason why I have been dragging my feet so much in pushing forward with the divorce is because it looks so overwhelming. From seeing your post today and Allison’s admonishment to take more responsibility for my decisions, I found a couple occasions to work with that today and practice enforcing the boundaries I have begun building.
Wow, all it took was one little push to set off an avalanche of false constructs and severely dysfunctional behaviours falling apart!
Thank you all so much!!
The relationship is deeper than just cheerleader. We have amazing conversations about anything and everything under the sun. We expand one another’s horizons regularly which is something we both find quite enjoyable and rarely find in other people. We’ve dubbed our little mental tingles “braingasms” I suppose I should add a little back story. We’ve known each other for a little over a decade and we connected instantly then, but it wasn’t an ideal time we were both interested but unable to act on it because of our other relationships. We ran into each other now and again through mutual friends but always in group settings to keep that distance. I moved away got married and we lost touch because my ex-husband was actually controlling and isolating me. I still occasionally thought of him and it turns out I wasnt the only one. We reconnected a little over a year ago. Finally timing seemed to be on our side but it’s still hard. I’m sorting through some hormonal changes from an illness and he works on the other side of the globe half the year. I’m hesitant to say it’s more than fantasy because the majority of our contact is through Skype, text and email. But he is contractually obligated to be in China over 100 days a year and my daughter is still fairly young and having a hard enough time with joint custody for me to travel with him. He’s offered but for now we make do with the time we get. We tradeoff staying up or waking early to contact one another and the reason we use messenger and Skype is because the phone bills would be insane. This is the slow period of the year we have a trip planned for early November. Halloween is huge for my little one. He has been fundamental in helping me remember who I was before my ex tried to strip me of my identity. I just worry because we are both so guarded.
Tessa,
I’ve read your posts about yourself and this man. From them, what stands out to me is a lack of awareness about who you are and what you want. Your writing is ambiguous and I, at least, read deep emotionally unavailability in your words. You appear to be using this man’s interest to validate yourself. The fact you choose a long distance ‘friendship’ (?) is not surprising – this is another sign of emotional unavailability – you don’t have much to give him in the real world but fantasy ‘braingasms’ etc give you the illusion of validating your value and worth.
You “don’t know what to do” because you are likely not *with* yourself. I advise Natalie’s posts about having the *honest conversation* with yourself. You sound as if you would be happier and more grounded if you were able to become more aware of who you are and why you do what you do. Start the work now and you will have a brighter more self aware future IMO.
Brenda,
Believe in yourself! You are so much stronger than you know.
Good idea to contact attorney!
Good luck!
Thank you Allison!
This is timely because I need to hear I am a BUFFER loud and clear. Been going through the whole sordid tedious heart wrenching discovery and break up process of being a lover to a married man. Three months later and still sporadic contact and he still wants to see me! Had our last, dear God I hope, phone call yesterday to just get some closure for both of us. I sent the gin soaked sobbing emails late at night, I know, I know, he ignored them for 4 days then finally called to let me have my say (when his wife was out of town) Got to say a lot of things. A lot of sincere feelings from my point of view for a change. Not him or his wife’s point of view. I felt better. He felt better. But bottom line is he still wanted phone sex at the end and sent me the pictures to prove it… and he still wants to see me even though he’s clearly sticking with his wife. To see me he has to travel 7 hours and make up a very complicated excuse. I faltered. I texted him at 530 am to say ok, see me after our yesterday call. His phone was not on silent and i woke up him and wife. God knows how he got out of that one. So that was a wake up for me too. Felt super crappy going back to that silliness after we had the whole closure talk. I’m just feeling used up by it all and kinda icky that he is so unclear on the concept of honesty, and that I apparently am still too! His wife has confronted me. Threatened violence. Insulted me up and down. I let her. Listened with empathy. But enough is enough. I left my husband. I came clean. (He was very understanding and gave me no one second of recrimination but it was time for me to leave a long time ago)
I’m working through every kind of painful self reflective agony I have to work through (Thank you Natalie!! XOXOX) and what’s he doing? Sheesh. So, when I was hesitating about blocking him on my phone it’s good to read this. I’m a buffer. I’m sending him mixed messages. Cant blame him for keeping in touch ’cause I let him. Going to phone block again. Buffer no more. This is just descending into idiocy. More than before I mean. Farce. And it’s my fault for leading him on by saying no and not doing no. agggghhhh.
I do so much love all of your stories and this group.
Louise,
I can unfortunately relate to what your going through. Just the circumstances are a bit different. What I’ve learned.. and I’ve been doing a lot of reflection for years, is that we’re so pre-occupied about what the other person is doing, or what they may or may not do. Or who they’re with is better than us in some way. And really all it is.. is us not feeling solid about who we are. And making up these stories in our heads that we really have no idea what people are thinking, or what they’re going to do. Just ask yourself… how do you feel? how do the people around you feel?
I think we try to avoid having to go through the pain of letting these people go, and moving on with our lives. Closing the door, and not worrying about what they may or may not do. I’ve noticed a lot of us women (and men) on here, have gone through, and are going through unfortunate, emotional/mental circumstances. And really, we do it to ourselves.
My honest opinion, sounds like this man is lost. And he doesn’t give a darn about you, or his wife. I hope he doesn’t have kids. Because I can only imagine how alone they must feel.
We all have our inner demons that we need to deal with daily, and it can be a struggle. And we need to question ourselves daily… ‘is how we are conducting our lives effecting people around us, positively or negatively?’
There are those people who are not good for us, and it is so difficult to let go of that attachment that we have to them, but we need to learn how to be strong, let go, and deal with the pain. Because feelings are just feelings… they will come and go. And you will miss him. But as time goes on, you will heal… and you will start to feel better and have better enter your life.
Good luck to you… and please, for your sake, I hope you will just enjoy having peace in flying solo for awhile, and leave this guy alone.
This is such a hell to be in the midst of but I have heard more often than not the ol’ people cheat because their current/past partner wasn’t up to par. This is ridiculous. People cheat because they are lacking ingenuity and courage to solve problems. They cheat because they are sleazy, cowardly, and lacking in substance and character. I have heard time and time again that there are situations in which someone is justified in cheating. Bullshit. No one causes anyone to do anything; we act on our own accord in romantic relationships, cowardly or not.