Comments on: Building Boundaries for Healthier Relationships http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-216295 NML Sat, 07 Feb 2009 21:14:19 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-216295 Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the <a href="http://www.feedblitz.com/f/?Sub=523558" rel="nofollow">Feedblitz service</a> if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the Feedblitz service if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML

]]> By: finallyseenthelight http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213964 finallyseenthelight Tue, 20 Jan 2009 23:28:58 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213964 NML took the words out of my mouth...let's be kind to eachother...we are not here to judge each other, but for support, advice and a place where we can freely bare our souls....I'm sure that we've all done things that "other people" could judge harshly...no one is higher or mightier than anyone else... Leeanne -keep you head up!!! and don't listen to the unkind bloggers on here. Karen, I've been going through the same thoughts and feelings as you have. I would want him to contact me, even though he broke up with me...I still craved him to chase me...but then when he did, I still didn't get what I wanted...unfortunately, these relationships are doomed due to the men not wanting or capable of a "normal, committed and healthy" one. I also obsess and it upsets me because I also feel if I'm not with him then why am I thinking of him so much...but in time I hope it will get better...and if he does contact you it's definitely not because he wants what you want...he'll want only what he wants and you will feel worse. correction…I would want him to contact me even though “I broke up with him.” NML took the words out of my mouth…let’s be kind to eachother…we are not here to judge each other, but for support, advice and a place where we can freely bare our souls….I’m sure that we’ve all done things that “other people” could judge harshly…no one is higher or mightier than anyone else…

Leeanne -keep you head up!!! and don’t listen to the unkind bloggers on here.

Karen,
I’ve been going through the same thoughts and feelings as you have. I would want him to contact me, even though he broke up with me…I still craved him to chase me…but then when he did, I still didn’t get what I wanted…unfortunately, these relationships are doomed due to the men not wanting or capable of a “normal, committed and healthy” one. I also obsess and it upsets me because I also feel if I’m not with him then why am I thinking of him so much…but in time I hope it will get better…and if he does contact you it’s definitely not because he wants what you want…he’ll want only what he wants and you will feel worse.

correction…I would want him to contact me even though
“I broke up with him.”

]]> By: finallyseenthelight http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213962 finallyseenthelight Tue, 20 Jan 2009 23:16:56 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213962 leanne, He would contact by email first and then after I responded it was the phone...but it was almost everyday...he's a real game player and knew how to push my buttons... leanne,
He would contact by email first and then after I responded it was the phone…but it was almost everyday…he’s a real game player and knew how to push my buttons…

]]> By: Karen http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213957 Karen Tue, 20 Jan 2009 22:39:06 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213957 Thanks Leeane!! I've read it.. that and like a million other books!! I just feel that maybe I keep blaming myself?? Since I broke it off-- I feel that its my fault he isn't trying to contact me (which is a good thing I guess) but I dont know... I guess I would somehow feel better if he was chasing me..... (I don't want to sound vain or narcissistic) but that is just the way I feel. Even If I said NO to all his advances or phone calls--- guess it would just make me feel better that I knew he missed me or something. Again---- I don't think its because he doesn't want to contact me.......I think its because he is respecting my decision and doesn't want to bother me. Honestly-- I just want to get to the point where neither one matters. Whether he calls or doesn't call, whether he cares or doesn't care.......just feel like im obsessing-- and that's the feeling I don't like!!! Right now my head is filled with HIM HIM HIM!!! He was away for three weeks and I can't tell you how GREAT I felt not having him around (I work with him) and I felt FREE and like myself again not obsessing at all!! Like I was living life again. Now he is back...and I thought I would be ok/ready and now these feelings have resurfaced I have allowed it to disturb my peace of mind and I don't know how to keep feeling the way I was feeling when he was away! It is very disturbing to me not being able to understand this. Thanks for your post NML!!! I sent you an email as well..... Thanks Leeane!! I’ve read it.. that and like a million other books!! I just feel that maybe I keep blaming myself?? Since I broke it off– I feel that its my fault he isn’t trying to contact me (which is a good thing I guess) but I dont know… I guess I would somehow feel better if he was chasing me….. (I don’t want to sound vain or narcissistic) but that is just the way I feel. Even If I said NO to all his advances or phone calls— guess it would just make me feel better that I knew he missed me or something. Again—- I don’t think its because he doesn’t want to contact me…….I think its because he is respecting my decision and doesn’t want to bother me. Honestly– I just want to get to the point where neither one matters. Whether he calls or doesn’t call, whether he cares or doesn’t care…….just feel like im obsessing– and that’s the feeling I don’t like!!! Right now my head is filled with HIM HIM HIM!!! He was away for three weeks and I can’t tell you how GREAT I felt not having him around (I work with him) and I felt FREE and like myself again not obsessing at all!! Like I was living life again. Now he is back…and I thought I would be ok/ready and now these feelings have resurfaced I have allowed it to disturb my peace of mind and I don’t know how to keep feeling the way I was feeling when he was away! It is very disturbing to me not being able to understand this.

Thanks for your post NML!!! I sent you an email as well…..

]]> By: leeanne http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213955 leeanne Tue, 20 Jan 2009 22:23:10 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213955 Karen- keep it up. Don't go back. Get the book it's called a break up because it is broken. Karen- keep it up. Don’t go back. Get the book it’s called a break up because it is broken.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213954 NML Tue, 20 Jan 2009 22:11:13 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213954 Ladies (and this is to all involved, not just one person), I'm not exactly sure what I have missed here and I'm not about to play referee but as I have said before, I really don't condone this type of thing in the comments. I have really tried not to be too strict about the commenting guidelines but I will become stricter if these situations keep on arising because every week there is something! Please stop and please be respectful of the site and other readers, me, the commenting facility, and most of all, each other. I will close the comments on this post if this continues. Ladies (and this is to all involved, not just one person), I’m not exactly sure what I have missed here and I’m not about to play referee but as I have said before, I really don’t condone this type of thing in the comments. I have really tried not to be too strict about the commenting guidelines but I will become stricter if these situations keep on arising because every week there is something!

Please stop and please be respectful of the site and other readers, me, the commenting facility, and most of all, each other. I will close the comments on this post if this continues.

]]> By: leeanne http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213951 leeanne Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:58:57 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213951 The only difference between the men we have been with and the men that everyone else has been with is one thing they are married. No one knows the history of how the relationships began. For all anyone knows maybe we were not informed of the fact that they were married when they pursued us, maybe they said they were separated or about to be separated. All of these men are liars, users, cheater, etc. Just because we made a bad choice in getting involved with married men does not mean our pain is any less or this is any easier than what everyone is going through. Remember NML, the creator of this sight, was the other woman. Her ex had another girlfriend. My feelings are not hurt by you not understanding or not agreeing with our decisions, what is hurtful is the judgmental tones and the total lack of regard or validity to our feelings just because I think the attitude is that we knew what we were getting into. That is not necessarily the case. No one is saying being the other woman is the right thing to do. This site is about unavailable men, married men included. Check out NML's posts on what she learned from being the other woman. It seems like the basic attitude is you get what you deserve here. Like I said before no one knows about the manipulation that took us to a place we never thought we would be. The only difference between the men we have been with and the men that everyone else has been with is one thing they are married. No one knows the history of how the relationships began. For all anyone knows maybe we were not informed of the fact that they were married when they pursued us, maybe they said they were separated or about to be separated. All of these men are liars, users, cheater, etc. Just because we made a bad choice in getting involved with married men does not mean our pain is any less or this is any easier than what everyone is going through. Remember NML, the creator of this sight, was the other woman. Her ex had another girlfriend. My feelings are not hurt by you not understanding or not agreeing with our decisions, what is hurtful is the judgmental tones and the total lack of regard or validity to our feelings just because I think the attitude is that we knew what we were getting into. That is not necessarily the case. No one is saying being the other woman is the right thing to do. This site is about unavailable men, married men included. Check out NML’s posts on what she learned from being the other woman.
It seems like the basic attitude is you get what you deserve here. Like I said before no one knows about the manipulation that took us to a place we never thought we would be.

]]> By: Astelle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213947 Astelle Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:49:52 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213947 I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings - I am with Gaynor on the married thing, it hurts so many people in the long run. You are dating a liar, a cheater, that is all you need to know to stop. I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings – I am with Gaynor on the married thing, it hurts so many people in the long run.
You are dating a liar, a cheater, that is all you need to know to stop.

]]> By: leeanne http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213945 leeanne Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:35:16 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213945 Don't give in. It will make you look really badly to go back. I think your are struggling with all of the above. This is really hard. I know I have been through this more than once with my x but you just have to take it one day at time. If he wants to work things out he will come to you. Do not go back to the same ol' thing. When I went back after the second time I broke it off it is because I thought things had changed and they did for a couple of months, but then he went back to being the assclown he is and I broke it off again because I am not going to take his crap anymore. Read your above post. It is on him to make a move. If you go back you are telling him you will settle for anything just to be with him. You will lose self respect. Hold on. You can do this. I know it is overwhelming but again one day at a time. Don’t give in. It will make you look really badly to go back. I think your are struggling with all of the above. This is really hard. I know I have been through this more than once with my x but you just have to take it one day at time. If he wants to work things out he will come to you. Do not go back to the same ol’ thing. When I went back after the second time I broke it off it is because I thought things had changed and they did for a couple of months, but then he went back to being the assclown he is and I broke it off again because I am not going to take his crap anymore. Read your above post. It is on him to make a move. If you go back you are telling him you will settle for anything just to be with him. You will lose self respect. Hold on. You can do this. I know it is overwhelming but again one day at a time.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213944 NML Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:34:47 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213944 Karen - Rarely are people ready to make hard decisions and if it comes down to being ready and easy, you'll never be ready. You have to build up the strength and opting out of the decision you've already made is the easy option, and it's also a kneejerk. It's supposed to hurt - everything is a bit much sometimes but you have to keep going. If he's not calling you and acting like he wants you, I fail to see the point of why you're going back... I'm not even sure what you're giving into - he's not exactly waiting on the other side with his arms wide open... If he has moved on, it's all the more reason why you should. It's a combination of all the things you said and ultimately it's like you want to finish it in a particular style - you can't and if you go back, then you know what you're going back to - nothing - and you have no room to complain as you made your choice and if I was him, I'd know that you had no self-respect and that you don't mean what you say because you'd rather chase the nothing of him than recognise that the fact that he has nothing to give is all the more reason why you should stop giving and opt out...even though it hurts. Karen – Rarely are people ready to make hard decisions and if it comes down to being ready and easy, you’ll never be ready. You have to build up the strength and opting out of the decision you’ve already made is the easy option, and it’s also a kneejerk. It’s supposed to hurt – everything is a bit much sometimes but you have to keep going. If he’s not calling you and acting like he wants you, I fail to see the point of why you’re going back… I’m not even sure what you’re giving into – he’s not exactly waiting on the other side with his arms wide open… If he has moved on, it’s all the more reason why you should. It’s a combination of all the things you said and ultimately it’s like you want to finish it in a particular style – you can’t and if you go back, then you know what you’re going back to – nothing – and you have no room to complain as you made your choice and if I was him, I’d know that you had no self-respect and that you don’t mean what you say because you’d rather chase the nothing of him than recognise that the fact that he has nothing to give is all the more reason why you should stop giving and opt out…even though it hurts.

]]> By: Karen http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213943 Karen Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:23:13 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213943 Maybe Im not ready?? I feel like I want to go back to this person. This person who is unavailable.... these feelings are a bit too much sometimes.. and I feel like just "giving in" until Im stronger. It seems as though I can't stand the fact that he isn't calling me or looking for me or acting like he wants me. Im sure maybe he is giving me my space.... after all... I was the one who broke it off with him.... that or he has just simply moved on to the next person either way--- I don't really understand what it is that I am struggling with. Is it rejection? Is it my ego? Is it abandonment? Is it acceptance? I'm having a hard time with this and Im afraid I might give in =( Maybe Im not ready?? I feel like I want to go back to this person. This person who is unavailable…. these feelings are a bit too much sometimes.. and I feel like just “giving in” until Im stronger. It seems as though I can’t stand the fact that he isn’t calling me or looking for me or acting like he wants me. Im sure maybe he is giving me my space…. after all… I was the one who broke it off with him…. that or he has just simply moved on to the next person either way— I don’t really understand what it is that I am struggling with. Is it rejection? Is it my ego? Is it abandonment? Is it acceptance? I’m having a hard time with this and Im afraid I might give in =(

]]> By: leeanne http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213933 leeanne Tue, 20 Jan 2009 20:20:04 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213933 Just as a side note- I think that we should all try to be supportive here, not judgmental. People may not agree or understand the choices others have made, but live and let live. Just as a side note- I think that we should all try to be supportive here, not judgmental. People may not agree or understand the choices others have made, but live and let live.

]]> By: leeanne http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213931 leeanne Tue, 20 Jan 2009 20:17:52 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213931 Gaynor, I understand your point completely. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be the other woman. Again, human beings make wrong choices. I think both Karen and I can both say that we made a mistake and we are ardently paying for it. I know I can say that not in just the heart ache but in other aspects of my life. I take full responsibility for what I have done and I do not blame him. For I allowed the bad behavior, etc. Gaynor, I understand your point completely. Never in a million years did I ever think I would be the other woman. Again, human beings make wrong choices. I think both Karen and I can both say that we made a mistake and we are ardently paying for it. I know I can say that not in just the heart ache but in other aspects of my life. I take full responsibility for what I have done and I do not blame him. For I allowed the bad behavior, etc.

]]> By: Karen http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213910 Karen Tue, 20 Jan 2009 18:53:02 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213910 Gaynor: Understood-- I would say that neither one of us is proud of being the "other woman" or being in these types of relationships... thus the reason for us saying and admitting not only to ourselves but on this site, that we were in a "bad or wrong" situation. I take responsibility for the choice I made (a really bad one) not just for me-- but for the entire situation. Unfortunately we are all human and we make dumb choices sometimes (which is why we are on here) but from that I learned a tremendous amount. Not just about having made a bad choice, but also in coming across this site and knowing that part of it had to do with lack of love for myself. Again-- I am not proud of having been in such a relationship-- nonetheless I did love the man... and still do...and it sucks! Gaynor:
Understood– I would say that neither one of us is proud of being the “other woman” or being in these types of relationships… thus the reason for us saying and admitting not only to ourselves but on this site, that we were in a “bad or wrong” situation. I take responsibility for the choice I made (a really bad one) not just for me– but for the entire situation. Unfortunately we are all human and we make dumb choices sometimes (which is why we are on here) but from that I learned a tremendous amount. Not just about having made a bad choice, but also in coming across this site and knowing that part of it had to do with lack of love for myself. Again– I am not proud of having been in such a relationship– nonetheless I did love the man… and still do…and it sucks!

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/building-boundaries-for-healthier-relationships/comment-page-2/#comment-213902 Gaynor Tue, 20 Jan 2009 18:14:36 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1702#comment-213902 Leeanne, I have a lot of difficulty with this situation as I have seen the extreme pain it has caused several of my friends, it effects the entire family. We all make choices and this is one I just don't get as we know it can destroy so many. It's not just the two of you. Leeanne,

I have a lot of difficulty with this situation as I have seen the extreme pain it has caused several of my friends, it effects the entire family. We all make choices and this is one I just don’t get as we know it can destroy so many. It’s not just the two of you.

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