I’ve noticed that some women will write off their female friends for indiscretions such as tardiness, bad mouthing, not repayaing loans or sleeping with their men. Yet when men do these same things, women want to be friends with them!

The man I used to date can keep on walking. He wasn’t my friend during the relationship and he isn’t my friend now.

You don’t mention good friends that are women, or happily married. If you are serious about wanting a safe and happy home – you need to pick a guy you can depend on.

Whether this guy is straight up – or the missing three weeks were a crime spree – doesn’t matter. You aren’t making his life better, and you aren’t enjoying the attempt. That makes him sound unavailable, or at least uninterested.

A good mate-prospect must be trainable. That is, when he recognizes a need to change, he adapts without fuss or bother. Toilet needs cleaned? He grabs a brush. You are unhappy – his plans change to care for you. You dare not manipulate your partner – that is going to boomerang and injure lots of people. But someone that won’t adapt, that won’t consider your needs, that won’t change when needed – they might as well be a stuffed doll left out on the sidewalk for all the good they will be, in the long run.

I imagine there are any number of ex cons that have turned their lives around. But being an ex con is surely a strong signal that he has missed a lot of chances to change for the better.

Look for someone that respects themselves and you, that is honest in all things, honorable and loyal, and their actions agree with what they say – and always give the actions, deceits, inactions, more importance than their words. You are looking for a mate and co-parent, not a perpetual dater.

Luck.

Brad K.’s last blog post..br: Dignity and choosing a partner

The screaming, hostile language – the bridge burning – isn’t polite. Sorry, that sounds patronizing, and I don’t mean it that way. What I mean is, doing things like nagging, screaming, acting out – they change us. It will be easier to flip out the next time – when we are hopefully with someone that we should have more respect for, more compassion for, someone we don’t see as the enemy (of the moment).

Emotions are important survival tools, and creating a strong image in your mind of the end of the relationship can be very healthy. It can let you easily distinguish between what you allowed “before”, and what you will not tolerate “after.”

I can’t really say whether the disrespect and dishonor of the passive-aggressive resistance, or the disrespect of the unbridled shouting spree would be “much worse” than the other. What we do seems more normal and better justified that what others do to us. Otherwise all the bozos in the world would wise up, understand there are better ways to live, and stop being a problem for themselves and others. And we would make fewer problems for ourselves.

You don’t demand that the clerk in the hardware store be honest all the time. You check out what she/he recommends the best you can, you double check the checkout, you go on. Your ex-bozo can be the same way. I distinguish between trusted friends, and friendly acquaintances. Some people I enjoy chatting with, or even helping – but don’t intend to ever invite to my house, or recommend to anyone as a possible source of help. This is life.

NML has written some powerful articles about the hazards of trying to stay friends, or even in contact, with an abusive, disrespectful ex. For one thing, what created the problem in the first place is choosing to spend time with someone that destructive, and then choosing to stay rather than risk living without the familiar (evil) presence. Staying in contact, especially the first few years after separating, tends to keep us in the same space we were when we accepted them – it keeps us from moving on and making a better life. Somewhere in there many of us find some kind of balance between moving to South Dakota (remote and rural, but lovely several months of the year, real seasons, and most of the residents are solid and dependable, I like the area a lot), and keeping a spare set of sheets for nights he gets drunk and comes calling (Eww! Not my first recommendation! Or even my second)!.

I guess what I do recommend is to think about respect, about trust, and about honor in your life and the people you choose to live and work with. That should make his shenanigans easier to recognize and avoid, and help keep lusty thoughts from distracting you with pretty faces and slick talk.

Blessed be!

Brad K.’s last blog post..Mate finances

In any case, he fed me all of these bullshit lines. He told me he saw us being “lifelong friends” and that he couldn’t imagine me not being in his life and blah blah blah. Well, I made it clear that if we were ever friends, it was going to be on my terms, when and if I wanted it to happen.

So I took a monthlong hiatus, and then I sent him an e-mail telling him my doubts about the friendship – that I was unsure about being his friend because if he wasn’t honest with me before, how could I count on his honesty in a friendship? And he knows for sure he can’t count on me for sexual favors because I cut that off cold turkey the minute we broke up.

He said we would be lifelong friends – but It turns out that when I wanted to talk to him as a friend – he wasn’t there for my ego validation. The friendship only existed for him when I was there to validate his need for affection. What a &*)*)( jerk.

To be fair, I acted like a total psycho when I broke up with him – I told him to get the (*) out of my life, screamed at him, tortured him with guilt, etc. Part of me feels guilty and part of me feels like he had it coming. I really don’t think screaming at someone is the worst thing you can do – acting like a passive agressive nutjob is much worse. (at least in my opinion).

When a guy tells you he is depressed or crazy – believe him. Always. And run. He is laying the groundwork for never being responsible for or about anything. If you don’t run – you give him permission to misbehave, be irresponsible, and to act with disrespect. As long as you stay, you continue to give permission – he won’t change for you, not real change. He can’t change.

Brad K.’s last blog post..br: Dignity and choosing a partner

If two people care about one another they will find a way to be together, they do not send monthly e-mails, they work at repairing the relationship. In his phone call did he talk about a reconciliation and say he wanted a committed relationship with you?
This man is incapable of a relationship and seems to be getting some sort of satisfaction by stringing you along, I mean don’t you want more than this sporadic communication? NML says, this type of communication is solely for an ego stroke, or even better sex w/o the commitment.
Let me ask, when he initially pursued you, did he do it through a group monthly joke e-mail?
Please go back to reading and posting.

After all is said and done, I still don’t understand why he is not with me (and YES I have been reading these posts for weeks — I swear I have) if we get along with, and understand, each other this well. When he “dips his toe in the water” like this, is it an issue of him trying to control me, or does he care on some level, but is too clueless to show that on a consistent basis? He was married for a long time; divorced now for 18 months, but has very little dating experience (even if he started dating someone after our separation on or about February).

Finally, why does this all have to be so difficult? If two people care about one another, and the separator goes out of his way to keep in touch with the separatee, shouldn’t this mean that they can put this back together again?

So much for the “safe time” which I was admonished to pursue about a week ago, somewhere above…

To: Assclown Slayer (aka Karen): loved your analogy and your post. SOOO true! It’s about YOUR standards, not his, and is he meeting them. But more importantly, is he willing to do the WORK to meet them. As NML says, does he have both feet in the relatiinship? Is he willing to work for your affection, love and attention? I don’t mean to say that you play hard to get or string him along like some little puppy dog. But setting your standards and boundaries and standing by them. Demanding that he treat you with consideration and respect because you are…simply because you are. If he is a man of any true character or integrity he will see your worth and truly sweep you off your feet.

My advice also is to walk and don’t look back. Yes, he could be ready in a few months or years, but also maybe never. If he used the words ” sweep you off your feet” I’d be worried cause I like to keep my feet on the ground. Also the reason for wanting to know you… “because you are gorgeous”…were these his words? I want somebody who appreciates me for who I am, not mainly cause of how gorgeous I may or may not be.

Maybe I am tough but the knight in shining armor/ pretty princess thing always makes me feel like an object, and that makes me think of a self centered guy looking for a shallow relationship, not able to make an emotional commitment, not in touch with much but acquiring the friend/ lover and that makes me think EUM and hoping EUM will turn into emo smart and here we are ad nauseum… I have no desire to go there again.

There are dozens of great posts on this site. Because you were questioning this I’d spend some time here reading, if for no other reason than to get an idea of scenarios you never want to find yourself in, and how to spot them early on.

Good for you to step back when you did and question this.wise woman.