So we reach the final part of this three part post on whether you can, or should stay friends with a Mr Unavailable and/or assclown. In part one, I explained the immediate factors that make it tricky to stay friends with these men and the real reasons why you will want to stay ‘friends’, and in part two I followed it up by explaining the true dynamics of these dubious ‘friendships’. Both posts continued to beg you to ask the question:
Why the hell do I want to be friends with this man?
You also need to realise this: relationships cannot and should not involve projection and where there is a Mr Unavailable and/or an assclown, projection is there like a great big beacon of light radiating from you.
You project how you feel about him and how you want him to feel about you and hope he will reciprocate.
This means that when you are in the relationship, you project what you think, feel, and want onto him even though he is thinking, feeling, and wanting something else.
When the relationship ends and you are still emotionally invested, you continue to project and now it becomes projecting what you want him to see about you onto him, in the hope that he will recognise how wonderful you are, regret it, and value you.
Staying friends with a Mr Unavailable or assclown is about seeking validation.
Let’s not pretend – we do hope that these guys have a lightbulb moment and become riddled with regret, and come crawling back on their hands and knees.
However, many want the fairy tale, so he does all of this and you run off like Carrie and Mr Big to the registry office and the agony melts away… It would be so much better if you at least hoped he’d regret it, came crawling back…and you told him to beat it…
Ultimately, soes it need to be so much work to get someone to recognise your value? In fact, should there be any work?
Why do you want to put so much work into a ‘friendship’? Why do your relationships have to involve projection?
Your feelings are independent of each other – you can’t love for the both of you…or be friends for the both of you. Don’t make the mistake of switching from dragging someone along for the free relationship ride, to dragging them along for the free friendship ride.
Stop forcing things and spend your time around people who respect, value, care, trust, and love you. But remember, men like this recognise that you may not respect, value, care, trust, and love yourself enough because you give them the time of day.
My golden rule of staying friends with an ex is this:
If you are over him, are no longer emotionally invested in either a positive or negative way (not in love or not angry), there has been at least a few months of space, and you have both moved on, knock yourselves out.
If you are still emotionally invested and are projecting anything, and I really do mean anything, on to this guy, which means you have expectations that go beyond what he is capable of delivering…but you’re hoping for it anyway, I would skip friendship.
You cannot just ‘switch’ to friendship with a Mr Unavailable or assclown because they don’t respect boundaries.
In fact, they don’t respect you, and they do things on their terms…or not at all.
Don’t make the mistake of doing the glass is half full and going on about his good points as if these give you a green light for friendship; if you spent more time seeing the bigger picture, you’d realise that his bad points give you a red light for a relationship and a friendship.
If you have to come into contact with your Mr Unavailable or assclown it’s not friendship you need; you just need to learn the ability to be cordial and polite.
Cordial and polite doesn’t involve you phoning each other, texting, emailing, or having sex or a cheeky snog on occasion.
Being cordial and polite to your ex means that if and when you should both cross paths and there are people around, or there aren’t other people around, but you’re not good at being cold, you do the bare minimum.
The problem with women who are attracted to Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns is that we’re overgivers – case in point – he throws you crumbs, you chomp at the bit and throw back a loaf.
This means that when we stay friends with these men after we break up with them:
they send a one line text – we dial them straight away or send them back a lengthy text expressing our emotions
they call and hang up – we spend the next week wondering what that call meant
they call and get through – you’re thinking about getting back together and imagining going on holiday together or what your friends faces will be like. He on the other hand is thinking about how he can slip having a hook-up into the conversation…
If you over-give in your relationships with men, trust me when I say you will over-give in your friendships with them.
You need to rein yourself back in for the sake of yourself.
You come first. This means that right now, it is in your best interests to put some distance between you both because with distance comes objectivity, and with objectivity, you should start to see that this guy is not worthy of your time.
In you coming first, it does not serve your best interests to be friends with this man as soon as the relationship ends because you already have a prior history with this guy that shows what can happen when you are around him.
If you continue to stay ‘friends’, as I said in part two, the dynamic won’t really change because he will still be in control of the ‘friendship’ whilst you are literally going through some sort of ‘mindf*ck’.
Being friends removes responsibility because anything you say or do that he wants to dodge the bullet on, he can say that you know the relationship is over and that it was only friendship that was on offer.
You also need to remember that unless you were genuine friends before you became ‘lovers’ (this is not the same as being friends a guy who always had every intention of getting into your knickers…or you being friends with him in the hope that he would get into your knickers…), then you were never actually friends in the first place.
You must set the boundaries from the outset even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
You can set boundaries verbally or with actions, but even if you opt with the former, it must be followed up with actions.
You, not him, need to be in the driving seat of this, and trust me, when he realises that he can’t be in control of the dynamic, you’ll be of less interest.
When an ex Mr Unavailable said we should stay friends and keep in touch, I said “Well we have just broken up, so if you call me over the next couple of months or so, I’m not going to answer your calls or return them…”
Of course he didn’t believe me so he called and left messages or hung up, but he got no response and he tired of it.
If you bump into him somewhere or he catches you on the phone (these guys love calling from different numbers), be polite, but brief, and make a quick escape, telling him that you’re busy and about to go into a meeting.
Don’t panic and worry about his hurt feelings or whether he was calling up to tell you something majorly important because trust me, he’s not. Don’t believe me? Take his call and discover all too quickly that he’s full of hot air, gagging for an ego stroke, and has not given an itty bitty thought to whether it will have any negative effect on you.
We lose too much frickin’ sleep over what these guys might think!
You don’t need to answer his calls just because he called. It’s just a call.
You don’t need to return a call just because he left a voicemail. It’s just a voicemail.
You don’t need to worry about doing the decent thing; he’s never lost any sleep over how he has treated you. I’m not suggesting you be horrible; I’m suggesting that worrying about how nice and decent you can be is a waste of energy.
Whatever amount of thought you spend on these guys, divide it by any number above 2 and you getting a lot closer to the truth of how much time he is spending thinking about you!
If you work together, set clear, verbal boundaries and make it clear that if they are crossed, the consequence will be that you will cut him off.
When I ended it with the Mr Unavailable I’d been involved with at work, each time he crossed the line, I made it known. I learned very quickly that trying to be all nicey nice and act like good friends was stupid – he, like many others, didn’t know how to respect my boundaries. In the end, I worked my way back to cordial and the moment he realised I was dating and that there really was no chance of getting laid or an ego stroke, funny enough, he didn’t want to be friends anymore. What a shame…NOT!
Do not share detail about yourself with these guys. Hello, goodbye, and I’m fine is more than sufficient. If you work together, keep the conversation strictly work.
If you have to come into contact with these guys, keep conversations as brief as possible and do not share anything that gives them an opening.
Do not ego stroke, don’t listen to their problems, and no matter how much they beg and plead, and no matter how horny you are, do not give them any sex, foreplay, kisses, whatever. No sexual contact!
You will discover that when you remove all of these things out of the friendship equation, they don’t want to be your ‘friend’…
Remember, cordial and polite..and brief.
The moment that you have to validate his ego, or he starts waffling on about his life, cut the conversation short. Let him go and ‘offload’ on someone else.
If the conversation and his behaviour becomes flirtatious or sexual, cut off immediately and ignore him. If he asks why you’re ignoring him, say that it’s clear that friendship is not what he has in mind and you won’t be used. If you’re not good enough to be in a bonafide relationship with him, you’re not going to be palmed off with a bit part shag…
Learn how to beam mega watt smiles even if you are in turmoil – it scares the crap out of them because they think you’re happy and have possibly moved on…which puts them out of control. Practise in front of the mirror but avoid the crazy look…
Disregard all lazy contact – do not respond to text messages, instant messenger, or emails, especially those pathetic joke ones that they all love to send. They mean nothing other than that they’re engaging in lazy, disconnected contact. Don’t analyse them – it’s these men’s way of tending the ego garden…
Treat them as you do your other friends. Are you in love with them? Do you let them walk all over you? Do you allow them to send you inappropriate messages, often of a sexual nature? Can they call you up in the night or turn up and slip under your covers? Do you flirt with them? Do you obsess about them? Do you cry yourself to sleep at night? Do you hope they’ll see how great you are?
I hope you don’t have friends like this as it sounds like you’re getting taken advantage of at all angles…
If you share mutual friends, ask them not to tell you details about him and if you suspect that any of your friends are serving him info about you, tell them not to, or stop sharing with them. You quickly learn who your friends are in these situations.
If you’re really hurting, mutual friends that have your best interests at heart, will understand if you don’t want to hang out as a big gang for a while.
But I always say you can judge people by their friends… In particular, assclowns often hang with other assclowns.. Mr Unavailable’s often have eager beaver Mr Unavailable friends only too willing to ‘help’ you through your heartbreak plus hey often have female friends for a great big ego stroke. Be very careful of the company you keep…
Ultimately, you need to decide – do you actually want to move on and find love in a healthy relationship?
If you do, I suggest you shed this excess baggage and hang with some real friends and start to learn to like and love yourself so that you’re not even contemplating remaining friends with these men. Because if you did like, love, respect, trust, and value yourself more and had boundaries as a core part of your life, you wouldn’t be trying to be friends with the very men that will deplete you of these very things.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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Thanks betteroffwithouthim and truthhurts for your replies I know deep down I need to forget but spent another sleepless night last night thinking about him and him getting back with his ex!
Sad I know but I just can’t help it I feel bad and I think this is just what happens with these men. This is how you end up.I have had nice men who treat me well and respect me and I don’t want to know them. I realise now that I need to work on myself on why I choose this type of man for myself. I am currently on anti-depressents over it all and trying to work him out. But I don’t think he can be worked out and that is what drives us women insane about these EUM and AC. We have to stop trying to work out why they did this or why they did that because in reality they probably arn’t giving us a second thought or most likely onto their next VICTIM!
This is a man who insulted me in front of my friends ( called me a fat cow), isolated me from my family, caused trouble for me with my friends, stood me up numerous times, use to only come around mine late at night, used texting as a primary source of communication, rang me to pick him up and I had to drop him off at his mothers (he lives with her), was texting and sleeping with numerous women behind my back, sent me a texting informing me my birthday card was at his mothers (I mean please he couldn’t even bring it round)?, stalked his ex whilst I was with him, use to make me pay for meals / takeaways, NEED I GO ON????
Now some of you may be sat reading this thinking why the hell did she put up with all that?? Truth is I didn’t I use to finish it but then when he made contact I couldn’t help myself in going back. Deep down I know this wasn’t normal health behaviour it was abuse but we keep accepting it. When I read stories on hear women have had worse treatment than me but it boils down to the same they DISRESPECT YOU.
I have numerous self help book and there is two I recommend how to break your addiction to a person and also women who love too much. There is a section in Women who love too much called Dying for love and it’s like reading about what will happen to myself if I go on like this.
I am going on holiday to Spain on Thursday as I think a break will do me good. Before I met him EUM I used to go the gym, clean my house, have friends around for tea. Now I can bearly go the shops I feel like my life is on hold.
One think I know is that I will get through this either way I will have the last laugh. I believe in Karma and what goes around comes right back around to bite you on the A**e.
Love your post NML keep em coming
The Cat,
strength to you, you are free now, you lucked out, he could still be treating you like crap!….. take a break, get healthy!! and for Goodness sake don’t hook up with a Spanish EUM!!
, they are worse than the devil himself!!
Go on Holiday for you, forget men for awhile. Have fun.
Judu June
I am sooo proud of you!!! You stood up for yourself and told that EUM where to go….YES!!! Dosen’t it feel GREAT !!! Because you’re always going to meet up with these men. I think for women like us who attract EUMs the universe likes to present them to us like a test to see if we really are setting boundaries, if we are really loving ourselves enough to say “hell no” to these men. Good for you.. I can’t tell you how happy I am for you that you resisted this clown. Keep up the good work you inspire us all!
Thanks for this wonderful set of articles! I feel so embarassed, rejected and ashamed – I contacted him three months after dumping him, and it was to seek validation, as even though I dumped him, I felt rejected because he was still in love with his ex while I was with him. No he’s stopped contact, while borrowing some of my personality traits for his own dating profile (why?!), and I feel worthless all over again. I’ve also realised that I’m a complete commitmentphobe – I say that I want a relationship, but I push and pull. Or maybe it’s just that I never felt secure with him? I don’t know. Either way, I’m embarassed about seeking validation (not friendship!) How I lie to myself!
Great and timely set of articles.
I made the huge mistake and thinking I was friends with my ex husband.
Men really aren’t interested in being just friends with women.
I think my good heart, naiveness, and thinking the best about people made me fail to see what was really going on when it was so obvious to those around me what really was.
I thought my ex husband and I were friends because we could have a civil conversation on the phone, he let me stay in his spare room while I was moving to another pace, he would pick me up at the airport at any hour.
All things that a friend would do.
I guess I forgot about the rotten things he had done after our divorce. Really rotten things.
It all came to a head last week when I called him to chat and mentioned that I had gotten married a couple weeks ago. I didn’t think it was good to mention it back then as he had just found out his cancer came back and he was terminal.
When I mentioned I had gotten married, he said he wished me well but he didn’t want to speak to me anymore and he hung up on me and that was that.
Later when I explained this to a couple of different female friends, they both said the same thing; that he wanted me back and thought I was going to come back and nurse him until he died.
He really wasn’t interested in friendship at all. It was all self serving and ego stroke for him.
His son is moving out soon and his daughter doesn’t really speak to him much.
He made his own bed by ruining his health all those years. He was extremely cruel and abusive to us for years. Now he’s all sad because he is alone and dying. He did it to himself.
I must say that this is the only site in the universe that is very very informative,thankyou thankyou for all this info
Great series. Thanks.
OMG. I’ve been hitting this site now for about 3 months and finally had the nerve to get rid of EUM last Saturday at 6am! Ran a race that morning and haven’t looked back from running away! NC for 3 days and it has been tough, but I KNOW it’s the right thing because of this site. The worst part is that I was just another link in his chain of women he used. He tried to convince me otherwise, but like TJ said, I’m not unique and that is a hard pill to swallow. But it is the truth and that is what I’m trying to face. Even a great gal like me (smart as hell yadda yadda yadda) got used.
So friends with the EUM. I currently have a friendship with an old ex EUM and I’m nearly to the place where I can cut him out too. This guy fits the profile of more the emotionally distant/afraid type, doesn’t use women (wait, did I just write that? – yes he does- he uses me for an ego boost!). Okay he doesn’t use women sexually. Too uptight and rigid. But, we’ve been friends (and get this, exEUM told me to call him!) off and on over the years. And now I’m starting to get it. We are each others fallback. The validation is mutual, and there is very little real living friendship – no expectations.
I wrote this and posted it on my wall so I can look at it everytime I want to initiate contact or be friends “expectations are how we show love for ourselves and for others”. Even in friendship. “commitment liberates us to show deep and meaningful love to those that earn it”. Avoiding expectations and commitment (me or them) is avoiding love. Anyone else make this realization?
I’m done avoiding love with jerks that use me. And, I’m done using them for validation. I’m better than that. Thanks NML and all wonderful women here. If it wasn’t for you, I would still be waiting around for HIM to change instead of changing myself. Peace be with you all!
It’s a wonderful site, very awakening for people like me, who somehow blinded and looking for a validation from someone whom I thought was good enough to give me that attention. Luckily, it’s not really a deep relationship (internet, exchanging messages) just for 2 months, although we met, instant connection on both sides, but after did not hear from him for a month, then, came back telling me how deeply he missed me, then I let him come back, then give me this hot and cold attitude, been to this site woke me up and decided not to continue, give him the ultimatum, he response but I drop him just like that. That’s makes me feel really really good. Thanks again for all these wonderful people who submitted their experiences, it’s really an eye opening!!
Fantastic set of advice. I’ve finally had the courage to walk away from my EUM, after two and a half years of turmoil and confusion.
However we do share mutual friends and have to be in the same circles from time to time, historically in my previous vain attempts to walk from the who dire relationship, this is a situation where he would normally snare me again.
A week ago I knew we were going to have to be at the same party, seven weeks after cutting ties, I was petrified, I took a good friend not in that circle of friends as back up, just incase I wavered at any point, and I played it brilliantly, however I did find myself unable to even do the pleasantries of being polite to him, for which I promised myself before I went I would be polite in his company because it would make me look like I still cared if I didn’t at least smile and say Hi. However I surprising found myself with the feeling I had absolutley nothing to say to him, so didn’t say anything, not even hello.
The evening was a great success I had fun with friends I was genuinely enjoying myself, I didn’t stop laghing all night, basically because for the first time in a long time I felt free of his shackles. He did have a couple of attempts to muscle in where I was circulating, I tactfully made sure I didn’t give him chance to speak, and he, may I add strangely for him he slipped out of the party early without saying goodbye to anyone, when he was contacted to see where he had gone I heard he left because he wasn’t feeling well. To myself and everyone else he showed no signs of illness? Ok he may have been ill? But something is telling me otherwise, and I am taking solice in the fact that he couldn’t deal with the changed dynamics between us, don’t get me wrong not disillusioned in anyway that he is upset and will come running to me declaring undying love, even if he did I’d recognise instantly why he was doing it and wouldn’t be suckered in. I genuinely believe he couldn’t deal with the fact of the realisation that he was no longer going to get his ego stroke.
Ladies I am sharing this because I have read Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl, it has been my bible in the past couple of months and has got me through some of my darkest hours, however ultimatly it gave me the strengh to get to here with my EUM, and I used to think I would go insane at the thought I would never beable to get over him, but one thing I am learning fast is it really isn’t him, it’s me where the problem lies, and I have been hiding from my own issues by repeatedly martyring myself to the EU realtionships.
This site has helped me alot.
I made a guide paper and hang it up so in case I might fall back I look at the key phrases and I think “hell no!”
I believe my ex is for sure EMU, all the things I read here I can apply to myself, it is amazing how many women fall for this!
I fell in love with MM, got pregnant, he became emotionally distant.
didn’t think I could do this alone so had ab…. his wife knows about me.
despite him saying he hated me for letting his wife know, slowly he made contact again that me misses me, calling me in the middle of the night (silly me picking up) telling me what a great person I am blablabla, but with all the “talks” he NEVER asked sincerely how I am doing, if I needed something, if I needed help, he never asked about the pregnancy(which he still doesn not know is ended)
I thought to explain him all just to be nice(like maybe he feels better knowing I am not pregnant anymore) but then I think when did he ever showed he cared? so why should I start now?
It has been so hard, I think I have a connection with him due to almost having his baby but on the other side what future is there…..
I asked if you had 1 question for me what would it be? Can we stay friends?
I have to admit I miss our time together but with all that had happened I have so much anger and resentment I don’t know if I can handle that.
Does his childhood have some influence/growing up without mother, was raised by family…..
Can you stay friends if one of you has moved to a different country and you definately cannot physically see them? It is somehow tempting to keep the AC as a friend. Maybe to ease the transition from breaking up with him untill I start to date someone else? Am I just fooling myself?
In a word, yes. As in yes you are fooling yourself. If someone is truly an AC, they add little or no value to your life and are in fact lifesuckers taking what they need, why do you want to be friends with someone who has mistreated you? As many a woman (and man) knows, distance and not being able to physically see someone don’t prevent you from being emotionally connected to them if you are not doing the work to work your way through the breakup. Get over him before you involve yourself with someone else – you’ll either end up with another AC or make someone else’s life very difficult.
When I read this I feel like I can relate so much to everything that’s said. But at the same time, my ex-boyfriend was not ill-intentioned. When we spent time together, we connected wholeheartedly and he was really good to me. It was the time we spent NOT together, which was the majority of the time, that he was distant. He didn’t think it was necessary to talk everyday and would rely on texting for most of our communication. One time I got fired from my job and the first thing I did was call him. He comforted me for about 10 minutes but then didn’t call me for the next few days! I had to call him to see if we were going to spend Friday night together and he texted back saying “I can’t, it’s my friends birthday. Can you believe I’ve been friends with this guy for 15 years?” or some shit like that. I felt so abandoned. So right now we are broken up and I have followed the no contact rule. After a month of not talking to him, he texts me basically calling me cruel for ending all contact after we had been so close with each other. He basically asked me how I could just end all contact with someone that I had been so close to for so long…implying that I’m a cruel person. I want to ask him, “Don’t you think it was cruel to put someone you’re so close with last on your priority list? Don’t you think its cruel to make her wait all the time, always saying “Maybe, i’ll let you know later” when she asks to see you that night?” But at the same time I’m confused because we really were close and I wonder if I am being cruel. Err see what this guy does to me??
Oh yeah, one thing I want to say to anyone reading. If you here reading this site, chances are your boyfriend or mate or whoever is EMU! Otherwise, you probably wouldn’t bother coming here trying to find answers.
Well, this is by far my favorite post because it hits me today where I am today. I have just decided to go No Contact for a second time with my ex, who wants to be friends and keeps calling me. Today I did email him to tell him that since we’re not gonna be dating, and we’re not gonna be seeing each other, we should just say goodbye for a while. Wouldn’t have to be forever (last time it was 9 months…) just until “this too, shall pass…” It was short and sweet and now, unbeknownst to him, I shall go No Contact. I will start feeling better tomorrow… no, to tell you the truth, I feel quite lighter NOW!
Wish me luck!
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