Whatever it takes, albeit alcohol or anything unhealthy…find yourself – and regain your power – you do not need approval from the outside – nor do you need to recreate childhood patterns – to not fail or get it “right” this time. Decide what love is for you and look at it, is it healthy love? Work on yourself until the right one comes along, he will and you will be ready! Don’t settle for less!

Don’t pick up the phone.

I don’t think there is any point in being friends with AC’s; EUM’s and Narcissists of any kind. Its is pointless and you are putting yourself through pure hell all over again. Gain some strength, and dignity and move on.

I read your recent comment, and what comes through is that you are living with a projection. You are concerned about how his ex intrudes into his life.

What I don’t see is whether you are taking charge of his effect on your life. Because he cannot forge healthy emotional bonds, he has no concept of letting them go,either. Hence, his ex is still in the picture, he is too distracted to be there for you at the same time making a mess all over your life.

When you took him on, you allowed his charm, or his story, or your projections and dreams, to lead you where your head should have known better than to go. By worrying about closure – his actions claim he doesn’t know what it is, so he likely cannot help you with closure – you are still placing your happiness in his hands.

Closure is simple, and one of the harder things we do. You decide. You decide that you need a partner that respects himself and you, that is disciplined enough to tie up loose ends and take care of those he is with, that is honest with himself and others, that is trainable, sincere, compassionate and fun. You decide that this guy isn’t going to be someone you are interested in partnering with, that it was a mistake that you made, to try anything with him. You then decide that you need to recover from contact with him, with all the mistakes you made trying to make it work with him, and that you need time to work through the emotions and feelings left over from your time together. You give yourself closure.

In this case, instead of telling him “Goodbye”, you actively dismantle every means he might have to contact you – NC – so that you will never know in the future if he tries to contact you, to disrupt your recovery, to confuse your goals or hurt you again. Most of the time, knowing that he tried to make contact is more harmful to you than talking to him (or texting or email, etc.).

Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home

The only way you’re going to get closure is to go NC. Forever!

I too felt I owed the ex an explanation but in hindsight I wish I had just cut him off without explanation. This man did not deserve the courtesy of understanding why I could no longer associate with him, as he had showed me so little courtesy in our ‘relationship.’ You have to do what you’re comfortable with but if you do want to remove yourself from the pain and confusion, remove yourself from this situation.

Good luck!!!!!!!

I think you need to let this one go for good.

The fact that this man/boy broke up with you via IM says a great deal about his character, or should I say lack of. This is terrible. it shows a lack of respect for you as well for himself.

It is impossible to be friends with someone when there are feelings still attached, I mean how are you going to handle it when he discusses other girls and dating? It has been stated many times before that you cannot be friends with an ex until you are able to accept their new love interests. It seems that you’re are holding out in hopes that he will recognize that he has made a mistake and will return to you, actually by sticking around you are guaranteeing that you will be friend-zoned, and what did you get in the end wasted time and energy.

I still go back to the disrespectful way this man ended the relationship and the fact that he has not moved on from the ex, this is a no win situation.

Please try to go NC and find someone who can and will appreciate you.

I think you need to ask yourself what you’re getting out of this friendship- All of his actions sound like a bunch of games to me? You have said that when there is contact there seems to be a lot of confusion and hurt on your end, friendship should be about love, caring and support, not craziness.

I have to ask why you’re still in contact with this man?

A couple weeks earlier his ex, one before me, was asking why he didn’t have her on his top friends for a certain website, and called him a jerk. You could tell she wasn’t happy about it. (Ironic since I called him a turd once and it upset him, anyway, after this last time of texting he decides to put this ex on his top friends’, why she complained at all is beyond me… since she doesn’t have him on hers. It’s like a control thing. After he tried contacting me, and I’d tried telling him I went to bed early… he’d kept saying it’s okay but maybe not. Because he ended up taking me off top friends and putting her on there instead.) Why is this hurting me so bad? I guess I thought we’d be more likely to be able to be friends afterwards but he’s confusing me so much.

It sounds like you are depending a lot on gossip – what he says about others, what others say about you, him, and others. My advice is – do not do gossip, nothing good can come from it. And people do get hurt and misunderstood when gossip flies. It is all too easy to make mistakes, or stray into hurtful things.

His actions speak pretty loudly. He keeps pictures of ex girlfriends, and talks about her. That is important to notice. Really important – it means that thoughts of her are still big factors in how he feels and thinks about himself and others. This is a *bunch* of healing that he is denying – years worth of healing that hasn’t happened, and doesn’t sound like he has even made a good start. And you listening – that just lets him keep his interest in her alive, you are enabling his bad behavior. Because he is still tied up with her, no matter what he says, he is *not available* for anything that anyone could count on. Consider him “walking wounded”, not someone fit for duty – or fit for a relationship.

Do not confuse feeling nice and excited when engaged with sex play, with the trust, respect, and security of a committed relationship. A sex adventure is fun. A shared life, though, means getting the social and family things lined up, making sure that your mate-prospect is comfortable and happy – and that you have a mate-prospect that is dependable, trustable, trainable, and disciplined.

There is nothing wrong with a curfew. As long as it is honored. Whatever reason his parents felt a curfew was necessary is beside the point. While he is living under a curfew rule – he is either going to honor it, or you can’t trust him for anything.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not listing things that he needs to fix, or that you should help him with. These are things I consider major defects, reasons that you should not have been considering keeping him close to you for any reason, not as friend, not as lover, not as mate.

I wonder if you have thought about why you want someone to stick around, why you want a long term relationship. If you want someone more than just a steady date, then I feel you should be picking someone ready and apt, right now, to be a good prospect to be a co-parent and mate for you. You should expect to consider someone you will not lie to – such as how you feel, or what is wrong. And someone that will accept when you don’t want to talk about something – this is trust. (I also think you should, as soon as you are able, return to the topic and explain both what you wanted to avoid, and why you evaded answering the first time. So that he will trust your word and judgment in the future.)

I wouldn’t recommend kissing anyone, until you have recovered from this relationship. Kissing isn’t the point, kissing is just another frivolous sex adventure. You need to understand your own character, and look at those around you. If you keep to people of character, you won’t get into the dramas and gossip and intermingled friends that so entangle you now.

The guys out there looking for sex adventures – what I call perpetual daters, because they don’t have any interest in anything beyond dating – are all too easy to find. Most will kiss almost anyone – for the night. Meet their fantasy and bragadoccio, and they may be back for another night or a few months, or even years. But the relationship will only move forward technically. You don’t get to make a family with them, they are just there for social recreation. If that isn’t what you want, if you want a spouse, a mate, a co-parent – then you have to avoid the thrill seekers and emotionally unavailable men, and the high school boys that never grew up.

Just consider this guy as not knowing what you want, and is not the man that you need. You don’t even have to tell him anything – just “Goodbye!”

Blessed be.

Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home