Instead you seem to embrace sex as an activity aside from what a couple does – help each other grow in all ways. You are willing to keep a sexual encounter secret from your friend (deceive him), have sex with the lady, and never consider what she would get from the encounter.

My advice? Be honest, respect yourself and her and your friend. And keep your mouth shut about your desires. Instead, consider what respect means, what values there are in finding someone to bind yourself to for life. And look to find someone of good character. Someone that would be fun to spend time with. Plan on meeting each other’s families before getting intimate.

Learn that your desire is not a gift to her, unless you have already made her a gift of the rest of your life – and she has accepted.

If your friend and the lady happen to separate, keep your friendships with each as alive as possible, at the friend level only. If she later comes to think of you in more permanet – life-mate – terms, consider what the right thing to do might be at that time.

There are women that want the casual hookup, or even anonymous encounter. Please don’t confuse players with women that want a life-mate.

As for the urges, there are cold showers, hard exercise routines, and .. toys? Guys often indulge in ‘stroke books’ from the wrapped-in-plastic shelves – I imagine gals do, too. Sunflower oil makes a pretty good lube, just don’t let anything get oily – left alone, oily cloth can spontaneously catch fire. I watched a ‘friendly’ couple haul their smoldering sleeping bag out of their car, just in time to save the car. And, I guess they saved the olive oil they were using.

If you are intent on sharing a bed, why aren’t you looking for a good man – one with character, one likely to make a home with you? I worry that if you aren’t with someone you are intent on marrying (or mating, or whichever ritual you adhere to), you waste time when you could be courting someone appropriate. Your body changes to accommodate those close to you, especially when you spend close or intimate time. You will be less likely to notice a dependable life-mate prospect if you are with someone. Being involved, even secretly, will change you. You will acquire habits that won’t be suitable, if you find a long-term companion.

Plus, conducting your life secret from those at work will be a strain, and likely won’t improve your self-esteem.

CSBF sounds great, right out of the 1960′s, the Sexual Revolution, Women’s Liberation, and Friends (the TV show). But it might also be a step along a road of perpetual dating, and never building a family.

So,onto the casual buddy. Well, a guy at work, who is in my dept, but I don’t work directly with, showed interest in me and I went for a coffee with him, fancy and like him, but not way at all ready for any relationship or anything of that nature… but i’m horny as hell and can’t stop thinking about going to bed with him and things like that!! My son was at his dads and I went out and stayed with my friend, I txt him in the early hours of the morning and he walked to my friends house and we kissed all night (me a little drunk, him sober). It was really good and I explained my view on things and he said he would be happy to have a casual relationship with my and not tell anyone at work. So, thats where I am at. Very excited about getting to bed him…….. but worried about the fact going to see him daily!!!! I would appreciate any views!!!?? :O)

This is the physical part of bonding, that draws couples together. These are also the physical sensations that accompany picking up a new partner – and lead the ignorant into always wanting new partners so they keep getting that ‘new cow’ rush. Ideally, this binding focuses you on each other, and builds a solid relationship of trust, identity, and .. um .. inertia. A habit of being together. If you pick a good partner, this will set you on a path of togetherness and mutual empowerment and joy.

For casual stuff, you can either keep the contacts to very limited duration, or you will cross paths with nature’s ‘building togetherness forever, or at least until the kids are grown and we are too decrepit to look around’ hormone engine.

IMO.

I guess I have to say this first because this is what struck me the most, obviously if your casual sex guy has turned into something more unintentionally, then you my dear do not need to worry about distraction from a “real” date or pursuing. You just beat the bloody odds!!! Buy a lottery ticket!

Maybe you should find out his true feelings first, because there is a slight possibility that he a) has developed feelings for you or b) is playing nice to stay in your drawers…you know, maybe he thinks this is what’s expected?

Either way, the main concern is you and whether or not you can be casual with this guy again. It is really hard once you start to develop any deeper feelings to keep the rules of the game in play. So, my advice is hold off with him for a bit longer until you can be 100% sure of what you are looking for with him. And he should do the same, NSA only if that is what you both want, but you have to be prepared to follow through with that.
I cannot stress this one enough GROUND RULES! It is easy to blur the lines if you go see a movie together and hold hands. So no more of that! If you must, rent a “movie” at your place, ahem.
and try to keep the sleepovers to only when you have had too much to drink…that is a toughie

Break a leg Peaches! and take care!

~rowan

If you are looking for inspiration on addressing your longings, I suggest that you avoid certain movies. ‘The Sweetest Thing’ is shallow. ‘Kissing Jessica Stein’ is mostly about being uptight and Jewish. ‘Bound’ may be one of the more erotic non-adult movies, but really, it is violent and .. well, doesn’t offer answers to most people. One review I saw said that of the adult film ripoffs of ‘The Blair Witch Project’, ‘The Erotic Witch’ project was the first; the flip side ‘making the movie’ part is much more entertaining than the feature, and still mindless exploitation. The John Travolta remake of ‘Hairspray’ that is out is a lot of fun, unless you go to see Travolta in a short skirt.. ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ is much better than the ‘Affair to Remember’ that the movie idolizes, and still doesn’t give real people solutions. ‘Hamburger The Motion Picture’ is just silly.

Casual sex would be like inviting a dozen friends to a pool party, and paying attention to the guy that wants to be the last to wander off. If either of you have serious feelings, or develop serious feelings, for the other, then the arrangement is going to be unfair, and you won’t part as friends.

Just remember — the more successful you are at attracting partners, the less focused you will be at making a real relationship work. Your ‘attract men’ life skill will be a real liability, once you try to settle down with a life mate. IMO.