My Guide to Dating a Co-Worker
February 19, 2007 by NML · Leave a Comment
I have enough experience and the stories of so many others, to mean it when I say ‘Don’t sh*t on your own door step!’ Dating a co-worker, I’ve always firmly believed is what you do when you really, really like someone; not what you do when you’re looking for no strings fun. If you decide to dip your pen in the company ink, remember that if it all comes to an end 1) you have to still remain professional 2) it could affect your ability to continue working happily 3) they could make it difficult for you to continue working there and, 4) you may have to leave.
Obviously the flipside is that you can live happily ever after and meet the man of your dreams, after all, if you’re in work full time you can spend upwards of 40 hours a week with people so it’s unsurprising that cabin fever takes hold!
But in the meantime, remember the following:
1. Access your target. If the co-worker in question has a habit of dating around the office, you could be one in a long line of people. It also means that propped up by company gossip you may hear information that may or not be correct about the object of your affection. Use your judgment skills wisely.
2. Check your company policy. In many companies, it is company policy for co-workers not to date so doing so could land you in hot water and potentially affect your career.
3. Is it a just a casual shag or potential for a relationship? If it’s the first, you can get a shag anywhere without having to face them at the watercooler.
4. Access the environment. A small office (and I mean 250 people or below) seems to create a situation where you live out your relationship as it’s a goldfish bowl.
5. You get to see your partner a lot! This means that on a positive note, you can lunch together, hang after work with mutual work colleagues, bitch about other people and share your woes. The downside is when you’ve woken up pissed off with each other and you can’t escape each other for 8 hours like normal folk.
6. Be careful of crossing the line with each other. Familiarity breeds contempt and whilst you don’t mind your man being bossy or calling you on things at home, you don’t want him doing it in front of co-workers. You also don’t either of you taking advantage of the fact that you both work together and expecting that you will put each other’s work needs first, even when you shouldn’t.
7. Remember that if you work together, live together, play together, and pretty much do every damn thing together, you will either talk far too much about work to occupy your talk time or you’ll run out of things to talk about. It’s important to have separate lives!
8. Leave your problems at home. If you become known for playing out your dramas in front of colleagues either at the office or at social events for work, you will be disliked. A lot and people will begin to feel wary of being around you. Not to forget that bringing your relationship woes to work is unprofessional.
9. If you really both have to work at the same company, at least work in different departments/teams. Better still, work somewhere else. It’s good to be independent.
10. Remember that dating a co-worker may impact negatively on how you are perceived or how your ability to work is perceived. How you handle dating them will cement these perceptions. Don’t let either of your bosses think that the relationship is taking centre stage instead of your job.
11. People will always gossip. If people aren’t making up stuff about you or reporting on seeing you both have a cheeky snog together, they’ll also be quick to tell you gossip about your partner’s past. You’d better hope he doesn’t have one or that you have a tough exterior. Oh and of course, if you have a past, they’ll chat about you too!
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Signs That You May Have an Abusive Boyfriend
February 8, 2007 by NML · 2 Comments
He is very jealous and possessive and tells you that this is a sign of his love for you. Jealousy and possessiveness in it’s extremes are used to control a person and it also allows the offender to take no responsibility for their attitude and put the onus on you for them to be different. When jealousy or possessiveness becomes irrational, this can lead to physical violence or can manifest itself in systematic emotional abuse which leaves you with low self-esteem.
Disproportionate feelings far too early into the relationship which can translate as smothering. I have received emails from women who have been involved with men that have told them that they loved them after a week, pressured them to get pregnant and wanted to move in. The men in question saw this pressure to be serious as demonstration of their love but in reality, not only was it more than a little odd, it is often an early indicator that further down the line, this behaviour turns into jealousy, possessiveness which feeds into either emotional or physical abuse.
Humiliation, swearing, insulting, put downs are often used as devices to control and manipulate a person into doing what they want. By eroding the self esteem and systematically engaging in these behaviours, this is emotional abuse.
Control Freak - If your boyfriend tries to control who you see, when you see them, how you dress, where you go and much more, this is a very strong sign that you are with someone who is abusive. With someone who is like this, it is worthwhile addressing his behaviour and pointing out that his behaviour is controlling as with the right kind of guy, he will adjust his behaviour to appropriate levels.
He is handy with his fists: Mr Physically Agressive - It is totally unacceptable for any person to abuse you physically. No excuse is appropriate and no person should be used as a punchbag. Be very wary of someone who has already physically abused someone else. Don’t fall into the trap of ‘I Can Change Him’ syndrome. Oh and keep an eye on any guy that wants to destroy your property as a demonstration of his rage.
Threatening physical violence is just as bad as committing the act itself because ultimately it’s about ruling with fear and this is emotional abuse.
He abuses drugs and alcohol and blames them for his actions. How many women have found themselves with a black eye and had substances blamed for it? That doesn’t make it any better and absolves him from responsibility.
He likes to be the decision maker and won’t entertain anything that you suggest. Control of this level is never a good thing.
Forcing you to perform sexual acts which can be combined with any of the above to coerce you.
If your boyfriend/partner is displaying any of these signs, I would certainly have some serious concerns. Use common sense and your gut and get out before you find yourself an empty shell of your former self. There is no excuse for abusing someone and seek help as soon as possible. It is important to ensure that your abusers behaviour doesn’t destroy your self esteem and trust or have a long lasting impact on future relationships.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim.
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Being The Other Woman Revisited - It’s straight talking time.
September 5, 2006 by NML · 15 Comments
Back in June, I wrote about Coping With Being the Other Woman which gave tips for any woman who had found herself relegated to second place due to being with someone else’s man. Ultimately my advice was and is not to cope, but I was surprised at the stories and emails that have come through from women who have found themselves in this situation.
First of all, there is a reason why all of these people have been searching for content about the subject: on some level, they know that their ‘relationship’ is completely jacked up. Very few claimed to be happy with the situation, most were being driven demented. A few months on, I feel it necessary to readdress this issue with a dose of straight talking.
The relationship is built on dishonesty. You would be surprised how the excuses for having an affair all boil down to only a few basic excuses that are trotted out the world over. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a mud hut in the middle of Africa, or in what you think is your plush life in the city. Lot’s of people claim that their partner doesn’t understand them. Lot’s claim that they are no longer sleeping with them. Lot’s claim they stay with their partner for the kids. Some claim that their jobs frown upon divorce. Others say that she (or he) wouldn’t be able to cope. Many claim that they are just waiting for the right time, the right moment, the right second/minute/hour/day/year to break the news.
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Dealing With His Ex
Most people when they break-up, depart and go their separate ways. However once in a while, you might come across a guy that still has his ex-girlfriend/ex-wife in the picture. There can be several reasons for this—it could be that she’s his baby mama; they work together or live in the same place. Personally I try to avoid dating men with even a hint of their ex in the picture, however sometimes it could be unavoidable.
A guy will usually tell you up front if his ex is still in his life. When he does talk to you about it, listen to what he has to say in its entirety. Ask questions as to why they still have a relationship post-breakup, if he has feelings for her and ask him when was the last time he slept with her (you know you want to know!) Don’t be shy or put it off. It’s very important to know every single thing about their past & current relationship. This is not when you fly into a jealous rage! That will solve nothing. This is the time when you assess your relationship as well as what he’s telling you. Red flags to watch out for: if he talks about her too much, walks out of the room while he’s talking to her on the phone, gets calls from her past decent hours, makes plans to see her on pseudo-dates, spends the night at her place etc. If he’s up front and honest with you, candidly explaining everything and not hiding any facet of the relationship, then you move on to the next step.
For starters, you have to be sure the guy is worth putting up with the potential drama and possible heartache that’s coming your way. Honestly—he has to be worth his weight in gold. He has to be so good to you, so perfect for you, and treat you so well that he’s worth fighting for. Through the course of your relationship, he’s actually consistently shown you that he’s a great guy. Why all this? Because truthfully babe, you don’t want to get played. It’s hard enough dealing with the drama without the added possibility that he’s a total jerk, lying man-whore & cheat that’s emotionally unavailable with no long term relationship potential to boot.
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Signs your relationship may be in trouble
May 2, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante · Leave a Comment
- Your partner lists their relational status as Swinger
- Your partner logs into your email and replies to your new messages
- You’ve stopped having sex (with each other)
- You’ve started having sex (with other people)
- Your partner only calls during arranged “check in” times
Read more
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Being a Baby Mama with no Drama
Being a Baby Mama is almost synonymous with having/creating drama for your ex and with your ex. A Baby’s Mama is a woman who has a kid(s) for the guy she had intimate relations with. For one reason or another, there is no other committment on the guy’s part and she has been demoted from “possible girlfriend material” to “Baby Mama”.
If you are a Baaaaad girl who somehow, through a broken condom, messed up birth control, super potent sperm or some freak of nature landed in the family way, I’m not dissing you. In fact, you should be applauded for having the guts to stick to your convictions and carry your child to term. Most women, (yours truly included) would take the easy way out of this dilemma and not have any compunction in doing so.
It’s a hard thing to face, but most guys tend to freak when confronted with the “I’m Pregnant and I’m keeping it,” speech. They will wheedle and cajole you, try everything to change your mind, short of sticking a hanger up you-know-where. They feel that they aren’t up to the challenge of raising a kid, they worry about what their peers and family will think, and pretty much drive you up a wall with varied scenarios.
Eventually, he might come around…might being the operative word in that sentence. If he does, then your job will be made slightly easier; if he doesn’t, then you are assuredly on your own.
Seek help from everywhere and anywhere you can. Mother Nature has given us 9 months to make preparations for the little ‘bundle of joy’ so use your nine months wisely. You’ll probably be very tired, but you have to be proactive in planning your baby’s future. Realize that your life is never going to be the same ever again and welcome the new stage with open arms.
Tell your family and friends, welcome their support and aid. Every little ounce of care that you can get will be essential to you as a new mother. Utilize your city’s unwed mother programs and Medicare/NHS. Surf the internet like you never have before and read up on anything and everything related to your pregnancy and motherhood. Leave no stone unturned.
After your child arrives, make sure that you have the correct documentation for child support payments. Take him to court if you need to and make sure your child has the best care possible. Hey, if a mega-mogul like P.Diddy can be ordered to shell out major bucks for his offspring, then your baby daddy can too.
And please, don’t become the Baby Mama from hell. Even if he rejects you and traipses after another, you still have the future president of the United States/world peace bringer/cure-finder of AIDS to raise. You have to show your child a good example at all times and those traits aren’t emulative.
So to the question what happens when a Baaaaad Girl gets pregnant and keeps it? She becomes the Baaaadest MILF on the block and raises her child with morals, respect, honour and integrity. And don’t worry about not finding Mr. Right4Me…he will still find you, and still adore and cherish both you and your child.
Vixen is Deputy Editor for Baggage Reclaim. Visit her blog Bad Girls Guide
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A Guide to Having an Office Affair
Beep…beep…beep…you are awaken to at 6:00 a.m. by the sound of your alarm clock, upon opening your eyes dreams from the night begin to surface. You distinctly recall the face of a co-worker committing some of the most naughty, delicious acts with you…a smile creeps over your face, you find yourself a tad amazed and aroused that he has crept into your sleep.
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