Your Past & Exes On Dates
July 2, 2007 by NML · 3 Comments
I remember being on a date with an ex and him asking me what my previous boyfriends profession was. “He’s an IT contractor” I replied and I noted that a dark look passed over his face. Later after a few drinks he whined “I’m just a lowly mechanic in comparison to your rich ex. Why would you want anything to do with me?” In hindsight this was a bloody good question and I should have run a mile, but instead I found myself feeling guilty and having to reassure him. He ended up using nuggets of information about my relationship past to adjust his behaviour to appear to be better than them and he also manipulated situations.
There is a reason why I am so against the discussing of your exes on the first few dates, especially the first one.
Rightly or wrongly draw conclusions about you
Subconsciously or consciously adjust their behaviour so that they don’t appear to be like one of your ex’s
Write you off as not over your ex or laden with baggage.
When you’re sitting there telling them what a piece of sh*t your ex was and how you’ve had a series of ‘relationships’ that haven’t progressed to being serious despite lasting a length of time, some guys will think: What’s the catch here? Is this a booty call girl? Is she hard work? And when you tell him all of your funny bad date stories, whilst he may be laughing there and then, he may also be thinking that he doesn’t want to end up as your next bad date story. You may feel that you are demonstrating that you are open, independent, and on a level with him, but when you communicate this type of information, in a certain type of manner, to some men, they reserve the right to draw negative conclusions about you.
Of course, telling them information and having the guy metamorphosis into ‘the opposite’ of an ex is just as dangerous if not more so. The type of guy who is insecure and who probably has a lot of red flags himself, will find himself playing ‘the opposite card’. You tell him that your last ex wasn’t around much, was emotionally unavailable, and made you feel bad about yourself because he was thoughtless, and this little number will try to always be there to the point of smothering you, tell you he loves you after a few dates, and will constantly tell you how thoughtful he is. Of course, as time passes, he shows other behaviours such as being irresponsible, drinking a lot, emotionally blackmailing or whatever his issue of choice is and you’re made to feel bad for bringing these up because he feels that he’s better than your ex.
It is very difficult for people to be matter-of-fact about their dating pasts and in discussing them passionately and in detail, you are likely to end up giving far too much information and appearing to still be emotionally invested in the situation. Either that or he thinks that he’s hearing a baggage overload alert!
It’s amazing with so many topics to talk about and an opportunity which is ripe for getting to know a person, that on the first few dates, most people cannot help but talk about their relationship history, especially their most recent ex. Although it may appear that this information gives you a leg up on getting to know your date, it’s actually a mistake to engage in this conversation topic too soon. It’s not about deceiving a potential mate; it’s about recognising that there is a time and a place for this conversation topic and it ideally shouldn’t show up until after the third date, but especially not on the first one. When a date knows more about your dating past than he does about you, it means that not only have you talked about it too soon, but that you’ve also said too much.
The first few dates are about getting to know each other, seeing if there is a connection to be established, having fun, and hopefully all of these things will combine into something positive that enables you both to move things forward into developing a relationship. The time will come when you will both share your relationship pasts but if you share the nitty gritty when there are foundations and you have gotten to know each other, there is less room for judgement and insecurity because you should have a level of security with each other and they can marry the information they are hearing with what they already know about you. Of course, there is no perfect way to navigate this awkward subject, but avoiding talking about it too soon or in too much detail can minimise problems.
And what do you do if the conversation is raised? Keep it brief, matter-of-fact (but not cold), and steer the conversation away by saying light-heartedly “But of course, we don’t want to be talking about our exes now when we can be getting to know each other…” or something to that effect. If they keep pushing the subject, let them speak, try not to be too judgemental, but also be wary of anyone who needs to talk about their exes so much.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim
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Boomerang Relationships & The Yo-Yo Girl
June 22, 2007 by NML · 33 Comments
If you’ve ever had a ‘relationship’ that can’t seem to end with a guy that keeps turning up like a bad penny, it’s because you’re in a ‘boomerang relationship’. No matter how many times you get ‘chucked away’, you keep returning. Generally he’s the one to end it, although sometimes you do because you get sick and tired of the ambiguity, and then you try to get on with your own life. This is when he’ll play it one of two ways:
He’ll bring out the friend card and ‘keep in touch’ with you via phone, text, email etc, so that you never really get to wash him out of your hair, and his ego ensures that he is keeping one foot in your life and making his presence felt…whilst he gets on with his own life. It means he also gets to keep tabs on whether you’re moving on. Of course, at the first sign of you moving on, he ups the contact or even turns up on your doorstep to rekindle things.
The other route is to ‘play dead’ for a while by having no contact with you. You go through the heartbreaking, emotionally wrenching process of trying to let go and at some point you reach a level of acceptance that it is over. Then out of the blue (they seem to have an in-built homing device that ensures that they choose you at just the right time), he makes contact with you, and suddenly you’re thinking ‘What if?’ and all of your progress goes out the window. The contact may continue and again, you may end up rekindling things.
Whatever it is that he chooses to do, you end up being suckered into being The Yo-Yo Girl, that woman that keeps returning to the scene of the crime and seems to have a trail of unfinished business in her life, or ‘boomerang relationships’. You’ll know you’re her if:
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When Your Ex Starts Dating First
May 8, 2007 by NML · 4 Comments
A little bit of bruised ego is natural but if you become consumed by his new relationship or exploits, it may be time to ask whether you’re really over him, and if you are; what is it about your own life that makes this news so unbearable. Often you’ll find that the reason it bothers you is because you have taken his actions as some sort of reflection on you and the past you shared together. It is easy to want to compare yourself to your ‘replacement’ and wonder what he sees in her, but the reality is that you’ll probably never know and you’re burning up energy better used elsewhere.
Some people start dating to force themselves to move on, some to bury the pain and yes, some are just ready to jump back in the saddle. Whatever it is that governs their choice, you’re unlikely to know what that is, and you really don’t need to. You should be focusing on yourself and your own future rather than worrying about his. Whilst it’s unfair to generalise, some men are very much ‘out of sight, out of mind’ and because some won’t shed tears, hide at home and bury their heads in tubs of icecream, they will propel themselves back into the dating pool and ‘get on with things’ rather than dwell on the emotional fallout from the breakup. Whatever his reason, he’s getting on with his own life whilst you’re focusing your energy on thinking about him. The two things don’t match!
You may think it’s too soon, and maybe it is, but that’s not for you to worry about. Instead of thinking ‘Oh sh*t, the bastard can’t have cared that much if he can get over me so quickly!’ remind yourself that if he has truly dashed out too soon, it will probably end up with a negative result. If you have had the chance to lick your wounds, heal, learn and move on, you stand a better chance of happiness. And yes, some people’s recovery rate is quick and just have to deal with it!
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Rekindling Relationships: To light or put out the old flame
November 3, 2006 by NML · Leave a Comment
Caroline posted a comment asking for advice as to whether she should rekindle a relationship from the past. Regular readers may remember her from a few weeks back when I posted a response to her highly dysfunctional relationship with a manipulator suggesting she take time out, getting to understand herself and her love choices. Since then Caroline has ditched the manipulator but has found herself spending time with an ex boyfriend.
In short, they spent several months together but his baggage (an ex wife, a kid, another ex wife, another kid, plus a vasectomy that may not be reversed) and they seemed not to be on the same page. Caroline at the time wanted children, needed to feel secure about her place in the relationship and struggled with feeling second place to his the commitments to his past life. It’s difficult to watch your man go rushing off at the beck and call of his ex wife. Things didn’t end well and she started going out with the manipulator, but now she is seeing the ex as a friend and thinks that she is feeling more than friendship towards him. Is she? And can people rekindle relationships?
Honestly speaking, I don’t think it’s a good idea to leap from a particularly destructive relationship into a new relationship. The fact that it’s with an ex is all the more reason why I think she should take her time. We have to be careful when we’ve been hurt because it is easy to see the wonderful in someone else and rationalise the things that gave you a reason to break up in the first place.
“Having had both relationships close together, I cannot say I regret ending this one, I feel that I have had to go through what I have to understand the true meaning of love, the irony is that what we had was more real than anything I’ve ever had before, or had with the manipulator.”
One of the mistakes we make as women is comparing experiences to determine if something is good love. But here’s the conundrum – If you’re comparing very bad (the manipulator) to what you used to think was not so great but now you think it may be OK, it’s not a fair comparison.
ANYTHING that’s an improvement against the manipulator looks good at this stage, but it doesn’t make it right.
Here are some things to think about if you are considering rekindling a relationship:
1) It broke for a reason! There is a reason for the demise of the relationship and unless the issues that existed before have been addressed, you will find yourself with the same problem all over again.
For Caroline: It sounds like a lot of things have changed, but deciding that a massive dream like wanting kids is not that important makes me feel nervous about this relationship.
2) Be careful of slipping into similar or exact situations. You need to put some distance between your previous relationship and the one you’re considering so that you can be objective. It’s easy to ignore similarities that could be crucial to your future happiness.
For Caroline: On the surface and underneath, there are some uncomfortable similarities between the two relationships. The excess baggage, the child issue (last time he wanted one, in the previous one you wanted one and now you’ve done an about-turn and are willing not to have one at all).
3) People often rekindle relationships because there is a familiarity that makes them feel secure. This doesn’t make it a reason to go back.
For Caroline: I don’t doubt that you get on with this guy, but you’re around each other at a vulnerable time.
4) Get happy, secure and over the previous relationship for a sufficient period of time and THEN see how you feel. You’d be surprised at how many people feel different.
For Caroline: Ideally after such a serious break-up and fallout, I would recommend a 3 month break at the bare minimum to get on track and do some serious soul searching. Ask yourself if you really think you’ve done everything you need to do in a matter of weeks.
5) Don’t start something unless you’re absolutely certain. Once to break up is one thing but to put you both through the pain all over again is not a risk you should take lightly.
For Caroline: Take your time!
6) Don’t make someone your rebound!
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim.
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Ex’s Must Learn To Let Go - You’re Yesterday’s News!
June 19, 2006 by NML · 6 Comments
This morning I got this email from an ex I refer to as The F*ckwit.
“Hi you I hope that you’re cool, and that your memory paints me in a better light.”
Other than the fact that this email reminds me of what an egotistical twat he is, it’s just plain funny. We dated for about 6 weeks and I broke up with him because of his arrogant, over opinionated, rude behaviour when he lectured me about how I handle my disease sarcoidosis with acupuncture. He’d been a doctor for all of a wet week! He clearly thinks that I have given him a lot of thought since we broke up…in between meeting someone else and falling in love…
I have received a few text messages since we ‘broke up’almost 4 months ago, although I ignored the last few as it seemed silly to engage in contact when I met and fell in love with my boyfriend two days after I broke up with this guy! Which leads me to ask, why can’t this guy let go and move on?
I did a quick straw poll of several women and every single one of them receives some sort of communication periodically from an ex. Some of these guys phone up hinting for a rematch in the bedroom, others want to get nostalgic and make out that the relationship they shared with you was amazing, others just seem to want to have the last word because the relationship didn’t end on their terms.
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The Coup de Grace - When Your Friend Dates Your Ex
May 24, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante · 5 Comments
It’s bad enough to lose someone you care about. The end of a relationship is emotionally draining, psychologically exhausting, and generally takes it all out of you. So, compound the stress of a breakup with the unthinkable, and you have what I will hence forth refer to as TUB (The Ultimate Betrayal).
I have ranted and raved about the evils of the female species, the undeniable ability of woman to sell her sister down the stream for a bit of security or a piece of ass. You have read my ‘what to do to be a good friend and what not to do if you want anyone to trust you again’. Well, I held back on what I consider the coup de grace. (That’s the correct spelling of the oft butchered coup de gras.) When your friend goes after your ex.
Now, I’m not talking about wanting to date someone that you dated years ago when you had braces and rocked out to NKOTB. I’m not talking about wanting to date someone that you hooked up with at some party on a night that you came home without your panties and with someone else’s shirt on. I’m talking about when, days, weeks, a month after a breakup, your ex and your “friend” decide to pursue a relationship. This is the TUB. This is what separates the friends from the women to avoid like the plague. And this is where my diatribe really begins.
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Feel Better Texting
April 24, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante · 1 Comment
Especially since my last texted break up, we are all well aware of my feelings on text messages. As often as I use my text services, and as easy as it makes several aspects of my life, it fully complicates other aspects…and not in the good way.
Last night I received a series of text messages from my Mr. Big. For those of you who are not familiar with the SATC reference, my Mr. Big is the major “ex” in my life. The one that I thought would last forever. The one that changed my life. The one that nearly killed me. It has been a long time since I’ve gotten messages like this from him, and they shook me up so I thought I should discuss this phenomenon. These are not booty texts, they are not friendly texts, so they must have a title of their own. Therefore, I will henceforth refer to these little reminders as the “Make Me Feel Better” (MMFB) text messages.
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When Your Ex Meets Someone First
It’s not a competition, it’s not a race, but when we hear that our ex has met someone first after the break up, it can feel like a blow to the solar plexus and have us pondering our own position. Everybody copes with breaking up differently and for some, the very idea of being with someone can make them feel awful, but for others, moving on, means moving onto someone else. However for many people, their ex being with someone is that galvanising action that puts an end to the saga and gives closure. Here are some tips though just in case!
Don’t try to ‘compete’
People cope with break ups and move on at different paces, which means that just because your ex has taken up with someone else, it doesn’t mean that you should dash out and nab someone too. You have no idea why they have take up with someone else – it could be casual or maybe it is on the road to being serious, but you have no idea what their emotional state is and whether they are actually over the break up themselves. Let them do things their way and you do yours.
Vent, but not to your ex
Even if your natural instinct is to phone them up and make your feelings known, don’t do it. Vent on your own or to your friends and family. Depending on how charged up you are, whatever you say could give him a reason to think that the break up was a very good idea and that he’s been saved from a bunny boiler. Go to the gym, have a walk, yell, scream but don’t allow it to fester and prevent you from moving on. Whatever you do, don’t spend lots of brain energy thinking about it as it’s a waste – hate to say it, but it’s clear that you aren’t at the top of your ex’s thought agenda.
Avoid their haunts
Whilst it’s like car crash TV when you see an ex with their new partner, it’s not the greatest thing for your sense of self. Steer clear of places where you know they will be going out, and if you do bump into each other accidentally, act cool, calm and collected. Watching your ex is not good for the soul, particularly if you’re not over the hurt.
Focus on you
Fixating on their new relationship is a waste of your energy and you need to put the focus back on yourself, but only do what suits you. This could be just what you needed and may show you that it’s time for you to get on with your own life and forget about your past relationship. If you’re not ready to date, focus on your spending quality time with yourself and enjoying the single life.
Curtail the insider information
When I broke up with my ex, there were a number of people that would ‘feed’ information to me, without me actually asking them to do it. Personally I don’t think that your mutual friends or acquaintances need to give you minute detail about what your ex is doing. It’s like being a peeping tom and it will impact on your frame of mind and your actions. I think it’s good when they tell you that they’ve found someone else as it keeps you in the loop, but they don’t need to report to you on everything. Most importantly, if it’s upsetting, tell them! No doubt they’ll feedback to your ex when you’ve moved on!
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Why Do Guys Cancel Dates?
March 1, 2006 by NML · Leave a Comment
The key thing in a situation like this is that he cancelled, he didn’t stand you up, but the cancelling of a date can still be rather upsetting, so I will attempt to cover the main reasons and keep it real.
I am basing these reasons on guys who cancel before you’ve even had a date, or guys who cancel after a few dates. I’m assuming that this isn’t a monogamous ‘relationship’, that it’s early days and nothing serious. I should start this by saying, whatever the reason is, we shouldn’t get our knickers in a twist over it. The sun does not rise and set on these mofos!
He has a better offer.
Sad, upsetting, annoying, but very possibly true. It is unfortunately our prerogative to change our minds as making arrangements for a date doesn’t betroth you to each other. Sometimes we do meet other people and it’s just too good to let go of. It’s quite likely that the guy will struggle a bit with this one as he won’t quite know what to do with himself. It’s very likely that he won’t tell you it’s this reason so that he doesn’t hurt your feelings further.
He got back with his ex.
It’s amazing how the prospect of someone new entering the frame brings an ex out of the woodwork. Again this will be a situation that presents quite a conundrum for a guy, but if he blows off the date, it’s obviously because he feels he needs to work things out with her. It’s actually better that you let him get on with it as he may have some residual baggage that you don’t want to deal with.
He’s caught up with work.
People can be very caught up with their work and sometimes a meeting, a deadline, a presentation or whatever it is comes into the frame and he just can’t blow it off, so instead you get blown off. If he doesn’t reschedule it’s likely that he lied about this reason, if he does, happy days and get over the disappointment and get him to make it up to you!
He gets scared.
Sometimes he actually thinks far too much about the impending date and maybe it’s because he’s happy with being on his own, maybe it’s because he still yearns for his ex, or maybe he’s just a frickin drama queen, but suddenly he gets date shy. Truthfully speaking, you don’t want a guy that gets his balls in a knot over one little date. It’s a date not a flipping bridal rehearsal dinner!
He just wants sex, he thinks you want more.
Now if he has the decency to cancel, this is actually a good thing, because he could have gone on the date, got in your knickers and never called you again, leaving you bitching about that wanker who used you. This guy has a conscience and something, somewhere internally tells him that he shouldn’t do this to you. Thank your lucky stars and move on. Obviously he’ll make up some reason like work or a dead aunty.
His aunty [insert relative of choice] just died.
Now this could be the truth or it could be a lie, but unless you have concrete proof that this hasn’t happened, I suggest you just go along with it and believe it. Trust me, if no-one has died, he’ll trip up on his story veeery quickly. Obviously if it is true, he may be too upset to be even contemplating a date, or he may come back to you when he’s in a better state of mind.
He’s sick.
Now any man worth his salt has a hard wired inability to either admit that he’s ill or he’ll be the total opposite and be a drama queen with man flu, read:cold. Now this could be true, or it could be a makey up excuse just so that he can get out of it. If he sounds like someone who’s calling in for a sickie at work, be suspicious. Be careful with making accusations, he really may be sick and you may be a crap detective!
He doesn’t remember who you are.
He may have been really, really drunk and he is struggling to remember who you are, what your name is, or what you look like. Maybe he doesn’t want a surprise, but don’t expend any energy on getting upset over this. If he was this drunk, either you were this drunk too, or you realised he was at the time.
He has a girlfriend/wife.
Now we all realise that he should have known this at the time but conscience is now biting at his dick and he’s playing it safe. If he admits that he a significant other, whilst it’s fun to rant and rave at him, he will chalk you up as a psycho that he was lucky to avoid. Don’t waste your time – he’s an asshole anyway. Whatever you do, do NOT ask him to meet you anyway. You are a hop, skip and a jump away from being The Other Woman™ and we don’t play that game here! Have some shame!
He’s gay. Well nuff said.
His mamma told him not to.
You don’t want a mothers boy anyway and if he mentions his mum in the phone call with some drippy reference to her, you don’t want him anyway.
He’s just not interested.
It is our prerogative to change our minds and for whatever reason, he may change his and decide that he isn’t interested. He may have woken up the day after meeting you and changed his mind, he may have gone on a few dates with you and realised that you don’t click. It’s never great to know that someone isn’t in to us, but it’s not ideal to place all of our emotional investment into them. Don’t lose sleep and move on. Please don’t cry over it, because it’s not worth the energy, it’s likely that you barely knew him and he has forgotten you by the time he has put down the phone. Harsh but true. There is way better out there. This is why dating exists: to try each other out and see if there is a fit. Often there isn’t!
Now obviously every reason that he gives may or may not be true, but if you don’t believe it and you end up meeting up with him, it’s not the best premise for you to start out on anyway. If he straight off the bat says that he will reschedule and does, don’t stress over it and go with the flow. Shit happens after all. If he says he’ll reschedule and never does, forget the mofo and move on. Don’t chase and of course, never beg, never plead!
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On Being Friends with Your Ex
February 16, 2006 by Pocahantas · 1 Comment
Have you ever reached the point when you’re fed up with talking? When you’ve said all you have to say? Talked until you’re blue in the face…this is possible, I’ve done it, and all to no avail. I’ve found that some things can be hashed, rehashed, eaten, regurgitated, and, well you get the point…no resolution will ever be reached. Such is the case with every relationship I’ve ever had. I have always felt that I shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with whom I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life. As a result of this, I’ve dated dozens of decent, desirable, and in some case delectable specimens in the course of my young life, and have managed to produce only two substantive relationships.
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