Break Up Method: My Friend Says

Remember when we were teenagers and we used to ask a friend to tell the object of our affection that we were interested? Well ‘My Friend Says’ is the adult version except for they do your dirty work for you.
Hideous way to break up with someone and the friend in question must like you a lot to do your dirty work. The only time I could see this working is if you’ve tried every other avenue yourself and this is your last resort, but I’m inclined to feel that a restraining order would be much more useful…..

NML’s Recommendations
- Choose someone that doesn’t charge in like a bull in a China shop
- Ideally the friend in question will display a level of exasperation with you to the dumpee so that it doesn’t look like they advocate your behaviour or are pleased to be the deliverer. It’ll make the dumpee feel better.
- Don’t do this method though as you like really, really childish.
Ideal for: Teenagers. No-one else.

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Break Up Method: Let’s Take a Break

Most of us have done this at some point and it’s really just a breather before the real break-up kicks in. This is great if you need a little time to get your life in order (cold I know) or you just can’t make up your mind, but it’s a pain in the arse because it drags things out, and normally one of the people taking a break, just wants it to be over.

NML’s Recommendations
- This should really only be suggested if you genuinely think that a break may put some perspective on things.
- Breaks should not be for a day or a weekend, give it at least a week, ideally a few weeks if you really are having a break for the right reasons.
- Establish ground rules. ‘We were on a break!’ was uttered many a time throughout the Friends series and illustrates how two people have very different attitudes towards what a break means.
- A break is a break. Don’t keep calling and go out and enjoy yourself. Distance adds objectivity and ultimately if you don’t know what it’s like to be apart, how do you know if you have something worth saving?
Ideal for: Relationships only. You suggest a break to a date and they make think you’re a few sandwiches short of a picnic!

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Break Up Method: Disappearing Act

Otherwise known as: Moving out on the sly/Cutting off communication

This is another act that shows up on The Cowards Route depending on the reason. This is a method that does serve people who have been abused, mistreated, or who are just casual dating acquaintances, but it’s generally a rather cruel method.
I have a friend who after more than five years together, she came home one night to not only discover that the chump had moved out, but he’d also left her a Dear John Letter. It took almost five years before she heard from him again.

People also just stop returning calls, texts, emails and just sever the communication ties. This is definitely the coward’s route, but admittedly, this tactic proves to be useful with someone that you don’t know very well. I think we find it difficult to broach conversations with people that we’ve only been on a few dates with, because we find it difficult to gauge how to do it with someone that we don’t know very well and we’re not even sure what the status of the ‘relationship’ was in the first place.
It can tend to leave the door open for contact being reignited when the two bump into each other again, but this is not a route I recommend in general.
NML’s Recommendations
- If you’re being abused, mistreated, something awful, then this is actually a good option that gets you the hell out. Naturally you don’t need to leave a forwarding address and make sure you get all of your stuff out the house or have someone collect the remainder.
- No matter how big a place you think you live in, it is likely that you can bump into someone again which means your disappearing act may catch up on you. Either pray that they’ve moved on and forgotten your cruel act, or be ready for an explanation and potentially an apology.
- The casual dating situation is a difficult one but ideally you should do the Dear John route, before cutting off communication.
Ideal for: Leaving an abusive partner, casual dating, someone who didn’t heed the Dear John letter or the ‘We need to talk’ conversation

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Break Up Method: ‘We Need To Talk’

Say these words, even when a break-up isn’t on the agenda, and the recipient feels nervous. If breaking up is your intention then you’ve already started the beginning of the end. However, when you utter these words, makes sure that the conversation is had soon after. Don’t drag it out and build up anticipation (read:fear) and put the poor person out of their misery.

NML’s Recommendations
- Don’t get into a finger pointing apportioning of blame conversation. Do you want to break up or do you want to drag it out and potentially get into a ‘Can’t we work this out?’ situation?
- When it’s over, it’s over. Once you utter these words, why the hell do you need a big frickin’ discussion about it? This opens up the floodgates for untold trouble and it is likely that it will turn into a heated exchange. Unless the break up is completely out of the blue, people know what the break up is about.
- Do however, give a reason that you’ve prepared in advance. Not a flip-flapper reason that has more holes in it than a pair of fishnets. The reason should be airtight and when the person hears it, it should spell disaster because they recognise it as serious. Everybody has things that are fatal flaws that cannot be dealt with no matter how great a lay/partner the person may be. Use this wisely at this moment.
- I appreciate that it’s difficult to gauge whether a conversation like this is necessary, but if you’ve gone out with a guy a couple of times and it’s just casual, don’t turn it into a saga by creating an unnecessary break up conversation. Give the appropriate weight and gravitas to the situation!
Ideal for: Relationships, people you’ve been dating for a while, or that person that didn’t take the hint with a Dear John Letter or a Disappearing Act.

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Break Up Method: I Met Someone Else

Don’t have the heart to tell someone that you’re leaving them without making out that you’ve found someone else? Afraid that not having someone to appear to be going to will leave the door open for the dumpee? Invent a new partner or tell them that you’re going back to your ex.

This is ideal when you suspect that the dumpee will struggle to accept it and try to find a way to keep things together. This is another example of a method that takes you down The Cowards Route. In this case, you soften the blow for yourself as you can pretend that you’re not so much of a heel but you also escape confrontation by not actually telling the dumpee the real reasons and fabricating someone instead.
NML’s Recommendations
- Plan your story well. There’s no point telling them that you’ve met someone if you don’t tell your circle and he bumps into one of them and they haven’t a clue about your story.
- Don’t overdo the details. You’re already telling a lie, don’t turn it into an Oscar epic.
- Do it a time pressured time so that you can make a rapid escape and you don’t have to get tangled in the explanation.
Ideal for: People that want to mimimalise confrontation by not giving the real reason, people that you need to remove hope, people who won’t listen to any perceived criticism.

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Break Up Method: Dear John Letter

Dear John letters, emails, text messages and voicemails, otherwise referred to as The Coward’s Route.
I have a friend that watched the episode of Sex and The City where Berger broke it off with Carrie with Post-It note. In the usual discussions that you have with a partner, she discussed this episode with her then shit of an ex, who displayed mock horror. Less than 48 hours later, he dumped her by text message.

This method is great for casual dating and but should really only be used if this is the method that you have communicated with them most. If you’ve met them online, email them, if they’re a text freak, text them, or if you like a little bit more personality in your break up, leave a voicemail, but obviously call when you’re sure they won’t answer.
NML’s Recommendations
- As far as I’m concerned if you’re in a bonafide relationship, unless thousands of miles separate you or you have had your tongue cut our or are in a coma, don’t go down this route. Everyone deserves to be broken up with face to face and the fear of breaking up with someone face to face stems from our fear of dealing with stuff, not their reaction. Take your chances.
- Naturally there are exceptions. If you’re breaking up with someone that has refused to accept the ending, or they have abused you in some way, go ahead and send whatever messages you like. Tell them I said they’re a chump while you’re at it!
- If for some unknown reason you still feel the need to do something like this in a relationship, that airtight reason that I recommend all people have for a break up better be in place and give it to them briefly. Unless of course you send a letter, then you can waffle to your hearts content. People need closure and if you send a text saying ‘Sorry, I can’t do this’ it gives the poor recipient not very much closure. You don’t really need an airtight reason for a casual date and if they’re relatively normal, they probably won’t need or seek one.
Ideal for: People that you’re dating casually, someone you’ve been on one date with, someone that refuses to take no for an answer.

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Vixen’s Guide to: Letting Him Down Gently

Being a fabulously interesting person does have its drawbacks. You might have found yourself in this instance several times. Perhaps you have gone on one or two dates with this guy, or maybe he is trying to pursue a relationship with him that you are just not feeling. There is no way around it, you have to decline his offer, or else you may wind up with a Bugaboo scenario.

First of all, keep in mind that you should treat him with respect. After all, it does take tremendous guts to meet a perfect stranger and make contact. He has to be given his props for that. However, you just aren’t interested. Which is neither of your faults, it’s just bad luck on his part ~ you can’t be interested in every single man that comes up to you.