Baggage Reclaim » Emotional Unavailability

Chasing Crumbs & Perfection: In Pursuit of The Fantasy

Natalie (NML) — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 23:15:14 +0000

Imagine an existence with…

No responsibility.
No accountability.
No conflict.
No problems.
No rejection.
No mistakes.
No risk.
No failure.
No fear.
No ‘abandonment’.
No disappointment.

No uncomfortable feelings.
Permanent fluffy clouds, joy, and cuddles.
Complete control of everything.

For some, what I’ve just described would be a perfect existence. However, if you want a life without all of these things, it doesn’t exist… unless you’re in a fantasy relationship, which to be fair, doesn’t exist either.

In reality, the very things that you desire in a fantasy relationship, whether it’s consciously or unconsciously, mean this:

No responsibility —> No achievement, no stake in anything whether it’s good, bad, or indifferent, no remorse.
No accountability —> No ownership (you can’t just own the convenient and good stuff), no honest account of your experiences, no growth.
No conflict —> No voice, no resolution, no judgement which may simply come down to judging the situation and making a decision, no growth.
No problems —> No opportunities, no differentiation, no stretching, no opportunity to deal with a problem and be proud of having made yourself a part of the solution and come out the other side.
No rejection —> No acceptance, no limits, no deciding what you say YES and NO to.
No mistakes —> No feedback, no learning, no awareness.
No risk —> No stretching, no gains, no pushing, no ambition, no trust, no common sense, no managed risks through intelligence, awareness, observation and action.
No failure —> No success, no joy.
No fear —> No drive, no ambition, no healthy fear, no vulnerability, no new experiences.
No ‘abandonment’ —> No personal security or security with another discovered through mutual trust, no strength, no thriving and surviving, no being in control of whether you stay or leave. And no, you don’t need abandonment in your life, but yes, sometimes people will decide to leave a relationship.
No disappointment —> No surprises, including the very pleasant and wonderful ones.

No uncomfortable feelings –> No outstanding feelings – it would be like having static, flatlining feelings.
Permanent fluffy clouds, joy, and cuddles —> No contrast, no seasons, no down time to rise up again.
Complete control of everything —> No-one else has responsibility, accountability, or free will – it would just be you at the controls and dials. Yep…it would all be on you.

This right here is what fantasy relationships and fantasising are about – avoidance, except for the only thing is that you end up avoiding life itself, which means that you miss out on the wonderful aspects of life that come along with being present and accountable. With the exception of abandonment, everything else are necessary parts of life.

You may not even recognise that you’re in a fantasy relationship but if you tend to build sandcastles in the sky, are cloaked in illusions, and are very comfortable living off a diet of denial, rationalising, minimising, and excuses, you’re at the very least dabbling, if not knee deep in spending too much time out of reality.

In truth, you’re pursuing perfection and the relationship you claim to want, out of crumbs. Nirvana for you may equal getting love against the odds – putting a dodgy relationship through the fantasy oven and pulling out what you want – the fantasy.

Whatever type of relationship you’re in, as an individual you have to be responsible, accountable, deal with mistakes, conflict etc – you can’t cherry pick a rosy life, although you can lessen stuff like rejection and the impact of it, plus the results of unhealthy relationships by ensuring that you hold your own.

You may recognise that there are things that you really want, but you’d rather skip over the possibility of going by Junction Conflict on the M Dating Motorway or Junction Mistake, or Junction Rejection. What we all fail to remember sometimes, is that conflict is unavoidable even when we attempt to compromise ourselves to keep the peace, mistakes are unavoidable end of, and yes, you might have to come off at Junction Rejection sometimes, but you might not.

If you’re not out there in the first place, how will you know what you stand to miss or gain? Yes, you have been hurt before, but it’s up to you to decide if you’re going to pursue the same route or variations of it, or set out a new route – you could be out there with your eyes and ears open with your boundaries, values, and awareness of when to fold packed into your ‘life kit’.

You get to choose. You can be in control of what you want to be part of – this can’t happen if you’re immersed in LaLa Land.

The other thing that’s often forgotten is that yes, sometimes the other party will take you off at Junction Rejection, but actually, you’re a person with choices and rights too – you might want to take yourself off there because you are not a passenger waiting for people to choose you even when you don’t really want them.

It is a fantasy to persist in believing that you can scrape around on the fringes of life avoiding anything that represents the more uncomfortable aspects of life. It’s also a fantasy to persist in pursuing a relationship that you know represents unhealthy in the hopes that by putting it all on them to make it right, or putting it all on you to be the match that spontaneously combusts them into someone else, that they’ll change. It’s also a fantasy to go with variations of the same type of person – like gradients of the same issue, convincing yourself that ‘this’ is better than the last person and that you can ‘handle it’.

All this fantasising gives the illusion of feeling and being certain things, however by not participating in and nourishing your life, you’re creating problems and pain for yourself as a consequence of choices directly related to your fantasising and refusal to take action in reality, which is self-rejection.

I went to a meditation workshop this past weekend and the teacher explained how mindfulness is about not trying to anticipate what’s next and not worrying about what might happen or isn’t happening. This makes sense to me because people in fantasy relationships can’t handle the ‘now’ that represents reality.

What are you so afraid of facing? What are you so desperate to avoid in real life that you’d mentally check yourself into an unavailable relationship that gives you enough free time to fill up your imagination with the relationship you’re not getting in the real world?

Interestingly, when you go to the trouble of avoiding reality, you have the illusion of being in with a chance of winning the long-shot relationship, but the very real problems that happen in your life are not caused by reality – they’re caused by the effect of you acting in sync with your fantasising which can have you engaging in some very self-destructive behaviour.

Think about it: Which one is causing you more problems – pursuing the fantasy or the reality that you’re going to painstaking lengths to avoid but is continuing to happen anyway?

It’s time to re-engage with yourself and your life, and yes, initially, because you’ve left your life unattended, there are some uncomfortable things to face and feel, and it’s going to hurt, possibly a lot. Don’t fear it – grab it, face it, grieve it, deal with what has brought you to this juncture – something has.

Aside from taking steps to distance yourself from anything or anyone that acts as a ‘prop’ to your fantasising and where needed seeking professional support, what you should invest in, is spending some time learning how to deal with the very things that you avoid.

Let.Go. This will allow you to focus your energies positively on you instead of fighting so hard for something, that doesn’t exist. With distance comes objectivity comes reality. With boundaries, those you give yourself and others, also comes reality.

Your thoughts?

Also check out my posts on Letting Go of a Relationship That Didn’t Exist and Dropping The Illusions To Be Action Focused

When They’re Not Over Their Ex: A Lesson In Empathy

Natalie (NML) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 22:39:13 +0000

You meet someone, they ask you out, you enjoy yourself, you continue talking and spending time together, and feel the attraction and desire for a relationship building as the dates continue. Unfortunately, in spite of chemistry, common interests, apparent shared interests, direct and indirect references to the future etc, it becomes apparent that they’re not over their ex either because they tell you, or it becomes apparent through their actions.

Despite the new ‘evidence’ that scuppers your ‘case’ for a relationship, they tell you they like you a lot and that they want to be friends, even if you don’t shag. Or they try to get the fringe benefits without the relationship.

Here’s what empathy would look like: You’d put yourself in their shoes and immediately recognise that after a breakup, it’s a confusing and painful time where you go through a plethora of emotions – it’s time to get out of the way. You may even recognise that when you’re keen to avoid the hurt, it can feel oh so tempting to attach yourself to someone in the hope that they’ll distract, numb, or even excite, but you know that what they don’t do, is fix your breakup for you.

You’d recognise that not being over your ex, in whatever guise it takes, means still emotionally tied, whether it’s positively or negatively. It means that you might still be in touch with them, a reunion may still be under negotiation, and that you may be putting a lot of effort in to not making contact or swatting off their efforts.

It means thoughts popping into your head when you least expect them that you may feel like you have no control over. It means crying unexpectedly or feeling a sudden surge of anger or a deep wave of sadness.

Being empathetic means that recognising that they’re hurting but may be finding it hard to deal with it. There may have been no ill intention and that they were and are interested in you, it’s just they overestimated how ‘ready’ they are for a relationship. They thought they could handle this and didn’t want to miss out – sure you’ve met people when you’re not in the right place and been afraid of letting them go in case they get snapped up by someone else.

It’s recognising the futility of this three-in-an-emotional-bed-situation and wanting no part of it, because even though you are sympathetic and compassionate, this wouldn’t be good for them and it sure as hell wouldn’t be good for you. Of course they’re going to want to spend time and hold on to you (Who wouldn’t?!), but you have to do what they’re unable to do for themselves or you – the right and respectful thing, because you don’t do second best.

Here’s what not empathising looks like: You’d put yourself in their shoes and immediately recognise your pain and your experiences…even if their pain comes from a different place and they’ve in fact had entirely different experiences. You’d recognise that it’s a confusing and painful time, but reason that they’re ‘confused’ and that if you give them enough time, they’ll forget their ex. You recognise that it’s an emotional rollercoaster but you don’t trust your own feelings and judgement, so maybe they have it wrong too.

You may reason that you’ve often dated or even had relationships when you were still emotionally invested in an ex but you believe that the love you had to give was still a lot, even if you were divvying it up on the quiet – it’s not though; you’re overvaluing what you bring to the table.

You may believe that it’s the job of the next person you date if they’re that fabulous, to make you forget about your ex, so by the same token, if you snatch the hot seat, then you’re validated as being ‘good enough’. Then you’ll think “What? They’re telling me that they’re not over their ex! We were having such a great time but I obviously wasn’t good enough to make them forget about them. I feel so rejected! I just need some more time to show them!”

While not being over your ex means press your eject button, you might recognise this, you might not. You’d be worried that you were ‘impatient’ and that after allowing yourself to be a Buffer, once they’d recovered in your Rebound Hospital, they’d skip on out of there and be an available, over their ex partner with a different person. This would then translate into you seeing potential and believing that they want you to be ‘patient’.

Then you’d think to yourself that if someone was willing to love, care, and shag you even though you were hurting and not ready for a relationship, that you’d be so grateful when you were feeling better, that you’d give them a relationship full of the potential you envision as a ‘reward’.

It’s either that they said they’re not over their ex, so you decide their actions say otherwise, or you see they’re not over their ex, but decide that they’ve said different – either way, nothing matches.

You’d say stuff like “Well if I wasn’t over my ex then I’d leave” or “If I wasn’t over my ex, I wouldn’t get involved with someone else” and then reason that ipso facto, they haven’t left and they did get involved with you, so they must be over their ex. Then you’d wonder if they were talking out of their bum as a gentle way of letting you know that you’re not ‘good enough’.

You’d put yourself in their shoes and remember the good times you’ve had, even if they’re brief, and remember the potential you’ve seen, and then see it for the both of you. You’d imagine that they don’t want to make the ‘wrong’ decision, so decide to help them not make any decision.

Sometimes, you get empathy mixed up with sympathy, which is feeling pity for someone’s misfortune, and then sometimes, you get empathy mixed up with bullshitting and fantasising.

If you put too much of you into another person’s situation in the guise of empathy, that’s not recognising and sharing the feeling’s of another – that’s latching and hogging. It’s not about you.

You can relate to their situation without becoming them and making their situation about you. You will make too many assumptions about their motivations and the meaning of their actions and even tell yourself that you know what they’re thinking – you don’t.

Empathy allows you to consider another person’s perspective – if you make it about your feelings, it’s your perspective, which when you deny, rationalise, and minimise the truth so that you can remain in a situation, turns it into a fantasy.

Genuine empathy allows you to be real. Genuine compassion for someone in a difficult situation does not always boil down to doing the easy thing, especially if you doing that, is more about keeping you in your own comfort zone – you may do more harm than good, including to yourself.

When someone shares a piece of information with you that’s critical to the status or perception of your relationship, such as “I’m not over my ex”, first ask yourself what it means about them/your perception of them, and then ask what it means about the future of your relationship/the potential you had in mind. This then helps to form action points or the basis for asking important questions to clarify their position, which then can help you make healthy decisions in reality.

What you shouldn’t be asking is “What’s wrong with me?” Nothing’s wrong with you – they’re hurting/struggling/whatever. They’re emotionally dealing with something from their past, so they cannot recognise and truly participate in a good thing in front of them.

Your thoughts?

Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.

Are You On Standby? Why You’re Not Mr or Miss Last Minute Option

Natalie (NML) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 21:32:35 +0000

Over the past few days since I wrote about whether you’re ready to date again, there’s been a flurry of discussion in the comments about people who rely on making last minute plans under the guise of being ‘spontaneous’ and who when you try to make plans, or call them on their lack of commitment, get all shirty with you.

This is what spontaneous looks like: You’re dating or in a relationship for a while, you see each other regularly, make plans in advance and then one day they phone up and say “I just found out that X is doing a gig tonight – do you fancy it?” or “Surprise! We’re off to Paris/having a weekend away/eating out tonight” or giving a gift just because.

This is not what spontaneous looks like: You’re dating or in a relationship for a while and you only find out what you’re doing on a Friday evening or on the day that it’s happening. Plans are rarely if ever made in advance and when you try to, they’re difficult to pin down, so in the end, the decision for them to agree to your suggestion is so last minute that they’ve pulled their usual stroke on you again – passive aggression.

Spontaneous also doesn’t look like: You haven’t heard from them for several days, a week, a few weeks, or even months and then a text comes through “Hey…hope you’re well. Fancy going out tonight?” And then after you spend time together, you don’t hear from them again for another several days/weeks/months until the next textvite comes through. That’s mind f*ckery. You can be damn sure that it also doesn’t sound like a call after dark asking whether they can ‘come over’ – that’s a booty call.

Spontaneous: “performed or occurring as a result of a sudden impulse or inclination and without premeditation or external stimulus.” (Oxford Dictionary)

I’m all for seizing the moment but if the only time I hear from you is when you’ve seized the itch in your pants, or your ego needs some pumping, or when you’ve finally decided to get around to thinking of me and considering me in your plans at the last moment, I’d rather take a raincheck.Sometimes it’s nice to fly by the seat of your pants, but the type of person who relies on keeping you on ‘standby’ as an option to avail of and actually expects that should they choose to only spring their plans on you five minutes before, that you’ll drop everything, is someone who is like the seat of someone’s pants…after a bad day – shady.

It’s like you’re on standby for a flight or a backup generator!

Do you want to be someone’s ‘sudden impulse’ or do you want to be considered?

Would you be happy with someone not thinking ahead, planning, and committing to something as basic as short-term plans?

Just like the whole ‘busy’ issue, it’s a question of valuing other people’s time.You can be damn sure that the person who doesn’t make plans with you assumes that you’re on their ‘waiting list’ without something better to do. Often, it’s not a question of what you’ll be doing together; it’s a question of whether you’ll be seeing each other at all.

Much like people who keep emphasising how ‘honest’ or ‘nice’ they are, suffer with Those Who Doth Protest Too Much, when someone goes to the trouble of telling you that they’re spontaneous, you’re dealing with a Future Avoider that has basic commitment issues. If you can’t get them to commit to making short-term plans, may the force be with you for anything bigger.

These people expect you to go with their flow – this will gnaw at your insides, having you anxious about whether you’ll be ‘picked’ each week. Feck that!

One of my ex’s wasn’t keen on ‘making plans’, often using the phrase “flying by the seat of my pants.” Most weekends I’d be ‘summoned’ after he’d decided what he wanted to do, or be subjected to having to listen to him whining about finding something to do that ticked his ‘spontaneous’ boxes. Invariably, 99.9% of the time, it was boring. So I did the smart thing – I went ahead and made my own plans. If I was around and I wanted to go, I’d meet him, but if not, hey ho – you snooze, you lose.

Sadly I didn’t heed that lesson as he wasn’t my last Mr Unavailable and after being summoned here, there, and everywhere by text, phone, and email, I recognised how devaluing this was – it’s like floating around on the coat tails of other people’s lives – you have a life of your own!

This shouldn’t be so hard for us to recognise as worthwhile, valuable individuals: We are people worth thinking ahead about and making plans with.

You will know you’re dealing with someone who really isn’t all that spontaneous and who in fact has commitment issues, when the things that they’re being spontaneous about aren’t really all that exciting.

It’s also important to consider the bigger picture: If someone rarely plans ahead, them leaving things till the last minute isn’t spontaneous – it’s routine. This is a bit like the person who is so inconsistent that they become consistent at being inconsistent.

Everything is contextual. If you have a healthy, mutual partnering and they surprise you periodically or you both decide to do things on the spur of the moment, that’s spontaneity. Them doing things on their terms and you being shoehorned into one way or the other is passive aggression.

Your whole relationship can’t be one big ‘ole impulse. Part of being available and committed is being able to commit to doing basic things that if you’re not too busy trying to micromanage your intimacy and responsibility levels, you’d take for granted as being part of your relationship and enjoy it.

You are not a ‘standby ticket’. You’re not.

You are better than sitting around waiting to be called up for duty. You’re also better than being a standby option after they’ve made sure they haven’t got better plans.

You’re someone to be made plans with. You’re also someone that can be surprised and seize the moment but within the context of already having the freedom of a relationship where you can talk about making plans without being shut down.

And that’s the test: Spontaneity cuts both ways. You can be damn sure that you’re with someone who has commitment issues when it’s all on their terms and you can’t be spontaneous and get together on impulse.

Don’t be a passenger. If you’re not comfortable with being dialadate, then don’t. Instead of giving a big explanation or even a small one, just say that you’ve made other plans, which you should do anyway as leaving yourself as an option makes you a passenger giving people the option of choosing you, while you’ve already chosen them. They’ll either meet you in the middle and make plans, or beat it. Or…they’ll pretend to meet you in the middle and gradually eek it back to last minute, at which point you bounce them and walk.

Start as you mean to go on because really, you don’t have time to be teaching a grown-up to value and prioritise you. Remember – when you don’t allow yourself to be on standby, they can’t treat you like an option.

Your thoughts? If you have been reluctant to step up and make plans and have relied on them doing all of the ‘chasing’, read my post on why you shouldn’t make it the guy’s job to do all of the calling and making plans.

Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.

Are You Being Used As A Confidence Booster To Launch Your Ex Into Their Next Relationship?

Natalie (NML) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 23:12:13 +0000

Often, when I read stories of exes coming back, proclaiming that they’re sorry and that they want to get back together/can’t live without you, only for them to end up causing you even more pain, often moving onto someone else quickly (or even having them in the background already), I get the distinct impression that aside from checking in with their ‘backup plan’, that you’re a confidence booster.

You see, when someone’s been told that they’ve been, done, or even are something, it can make them feel a tad unsure of themselves, especially when you’ve traditionally pumped them up, so that the both of you start to believe that they’re more special than they actually are.

Suddenly, you’re not taking their calls, ‘sorry’ isn’t good enough, the old formula doesn’t work, and you’re essentially no longer jumping to the beat they’ve predicted. Maybe you told them all about themselves, itemising everything that’s pissed you off. Or…maybe it’s a simple case of their conscience ticking.

Most people are uncomfortable with knowing that someone is hurting as a result of them…even if they actually have a hand in causing the pain by saying and doing things that busted your boundaries and had them treating you without love, care, trust, and respect.

Just like when commitment resisters get panicked and almost have a fever trying to exit the relationship or lessen the commitment by any means necessary, the ex who isn’t feeling too assured of themselves and even feels like there’s ‘evidence’ out there that contradicts a current image that they hold of themselves, or more importantly that they’re portraying, will have an overwhelming urge to ‘reconcile’ it with the image you hold of them.

It may even feel a bit ‘Sopranos’ style, when they feel like there’s evidence of their assholery out there so then it’s like buttering up the witness…

If you return their contact, profess your feelings, accept their apology even if you’re not ready to or don’t think they’re sincere, or even take them back, it’s a confidence boost – they feel safe in preserving the image they have of themselves.

It’s like you give them a launchpad into their next relationships where they may even feel safe to press the Reset Button and give themselves a fresh start elsewhere. Even though they’re going to be in trouble with you again, in their eyes, it’s only for a ‘recent misunderstanding’ as opposed to issues stretching back in your relationship because they perceive you as having ‘forgiven’ them, or you may even have taken more responsibility than necessary, or even absorbed the blame.

Of course this whole ‘confidence boosting’ via a ‘surrogate’ extends beyond ex’s returning.

If you’ve ever been the Other Woman/Man, you’re like an upper and a painkiller, letting them feel more confident about areas that are their ‘weak spots’ in their main relationship and helping them to avoid painful and uncomfortable feelings and issues in their life, which by self-soothing themselves on you, they feel more confident in general. I know my confidence would get a boost if I had you turning down the possibility of being with someone in an available relationship, for me and my crumbs.

I’ve come across so many people who after a breakup, embark on dating someone to not only avoid grieving the loss of the breakup, but also to boost their confidence. They’re passing time, often not that fussed about whoever they’re involved with, and the person they’re dating becomes like a ‘symbol’ that they’ve still ‘got it’, or even a mascot or comforter.

Let us also not forget those who ‘florence’ and ‘renovate’ people who they deem need fixing, healing, and helping, only to end up giving the person the impression that “Hmmm, maybe I can do better?” and next thing they’re preening like a peacock and confident in ‘braving’ it elsewhere.

Also, if you’ve got that friend or family member that seems to thrive when you’re down and almost revels in you having problems, you’re being used as a confidence booster there too.

Of course there’s a lesson in all of this: Don’t allow anyone to use you as a rainy day, backup option to fall back on, and certainly don’t allow yourself to be an emotional airbag come upper come painkiller to help people avoid themselves, their feelings, and their problems. Certainly don’t allow someone to drain you out so they can make themselves feel better – like stealing your frickin’ life source!

Stop pumping them up, especially when your own resources of love, care, trust, and respect are already seriously depleted.

These experiences are draining and demoralising, sapping you of the very energy you need to regain your confidence in yourself.

The reality is that if you’re in reality, you won’t create the cocoon of bubbles, clouds, and illusions that has you being an emotional airbag in the first place. You’re better than being an option but you’re also better than being used as some sort of ‘prop’ in someone’s life like a medal, certificate or social proof that they’re better than what they themselves think or know themselves to be.

When someone is able to present themselves with their code amber and red problems, excuses, and even bullshit, or they’re able to swan in and out of your life while screwing you over repeatedly, it’s like giving them a certificate with a clean bill of relationship health that is in contradiction with reality.

The best confidence boost you can give yourself is to start treating you like a valuable entity day after day after day and distance yourself from anything and anyone who isn’t reflective of this. Instead of boosting their confidence, boost them out of your life so you can be free to focus your energy where it’s most deserving – on you.

Your thoughts?

Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.

Are you drowning in detail? The importance of heeding the ‘topline data’ of your relationship

Natalie (NML) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 23:34:02 +0000

Back in the day when I worked in advertising, I’d use research data for pitches. As I’d experienced enough boring presentations, I recognised the importance of delivering the most salient points. There was a saying that we used to bandy around a lot that forced us to cut through the fluff:

“Give me the topline data!” - I talked about this a couple of years back with my post How bad do things have to get?

“The topline data in relationships are the key overall ‘symptoms’ of your situation. Many of us get lost in the details, investigating the other persons problems, looking for understanding of why every last little thing is happening and rationalising the situation by finding even the smallest of anomalies to justify why our situation is different, why the person is an exception to the rule etc.”

I’m reminded of this when I, for example see readers complaining about umpteen things that a person is doing and then adding that they’re married, and then seeing other readers (hat tip to Grace, Fearless et al) remind them that actually, it’s them being married (or attached) that’s fundamentally the issue. The other stuff is the detail and contextually, as in, in the context of being married/attached, it’s actually what you consider to be important enough to latch onto however they’re inadvertently legitimising all of the reasons you should be exiting.

It’s the same when people tell me that someone hasn’t been calling, keeps blowing hot and cold, won’t commit to being with them, won’t commit to not being with them, is sleeping with someone else or trying it on with someone else in the office…oh and they said at the start that they didn’t want a relationship, or that it was never going to be anything other than casual, and yada yada yada. They’re unavailable – not committing to action never mind a relationship is top of the agenda hence actions and words don’t match, hence there’s a problem, hence you’re not mutual.

Often, when you’re drowning in the detail and you keep bringing up certain points about their behaviour, you’re actually inadvertently supporting the topline information about your relationship.

Take the married example pictured. There’s no point in ‘suddenly’ realising that they’re cheating and married, or thinking it’s for some noble reason – there’s no such thing as an honest cheat. They have to communicate by text because they’re cheating, they’re not leaving because they’re married, they’ve said they might leave because they’re married but if they’d immediately said that they weren’t leaving you might have cut off the free access to the Crumb Per View shag, ego stroke and a shoulder to lean on.

They say they can’t leave the kids because they’re married and it’s also because it seems so much more palatable and humanitarian. They send sexts because they’re married so they have to send dodgy pics and ask you if you have any underwear on because they’re not around all the time to do it in the flesh. They may be sleeping with someone else because, well, one is clearly never enough anyway, and they break promises because one can’t make them when one is breaking promises with someone else, plus they keep asking you to wait because they don’t want the backup plan and free cake to end.

Take the unavailable example. You’re focusing on those good points because they’re unavailable – if they were available and you were happy, you wouldn’t have to itemise them and separate out the ‘good points’. Things aren’t progressing because they’re unavailable. You have so much in common and yet they’re unavailable – this means that much as your commonalities are great, you don’t have mutual ground where it really counts. They said they don’t want to commit – it’s because they’re unavailable. They’ve Future Faked numerous times because they’re unavailable which means commitment issues, which means they’ll flip flap and undermine what they say and do. They keep getting off with their ex because they’re uncommitted and unavailable. They’re unavailable.

It’s quite easy when you’ve lost sight of yourself and your values to be unable to see the wood for the trees. You get so used to justifying your initial reasons to be with someone, and then you get used to justifying your subsequent reasons, and after a while, it just becomes one big justification drive. It’s about having a reason to stay and avoid getting out of the comfort zone with an uncomfortable but necessary decision, even though you’re actually making a very good case for why you should take a parachute and jump.

Last year I wrote about whether you can elevator pitch your relationship issues – can you take a story that you might spend hours telling and get down to the core problem and explain it in 30 seconds to a minute? It helps you drop all of the excuses and denial so that you can focus and stem the distraction.

When there’s a presence of code red and amber issues in a relationship, they trump the detail. Trump.

Topline represents the most critical information. Ignoring the fact that someone, is for example married is like saying that you don’t see infidelity and the fact that they’re married as that big an issue. You might think the other person can be dispensed of for the right reasons – the love of you. You think cheating is OK for the right reasons – chasing love.

Clinging and drowning to detail actually shrouds the relationship and your vision of it in illusions. The more detail that you’re using to justify and explain your relationship, is actually the greater indication of how much boundary busting and values conflicted behaviour and bullshit that you’re putting up with.

If you’re trying to work out what you should do next and how to make a decision, use the topline data to guide your decision and add context to all of the other information. When you do, the path to doing the right thing by you will open up. Until then, you’re just painting yourself into a corner with detail and excuses.

Your thoughts?

The Long Shot Mentality – Are you setting yourself faux goals?

Natalie (NML) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 23:40:44 +0000

The question of why one would get tangled in a fantasy relationship or persist in being in unavailable relationships, is something that perplexes many BR readers. When I wrote about You Can Be In Love On Your Own…But a Mutual Relationship Takes Two, the comments and my inbox filled up, because so many of you feel like you have put so much of your energy, heart and soul into these situations that it’s hard to reconcile your actions with the fact that there’s an element or even a lot of fantasy involved.

If you’ve ever been in an unavailable relationship, including fantasy, you have a long shot mentality. It’s likely that you’d struggle to admit it, but your choices are being dictated by not only a desire to remain in your uncomfortable comfort zone, but also by a fear of failing at relationships, fear of risking yourself so much that it would hurt, and fear of being absolute and committing.

So instead, you cater to your beliefs and the self-fulfilling prophecy and opt into situations that really only have an outside chance of working out – you’ll know immediately if you’ve done this if you 1) bet on potential or 2) have essentially required them to make you the exception to their rule of non-commital or shady behaviour.

It would be the equivalent of basically getting love against the odds.

In a fantasy relationship, it can’t ‘fail fail’ because it’s not real which means you’re not responsible or accountable and you’re let off the hook from having to actually put yourself out there and invest your efforts into a full fledged relationship.

With an affair, it can’t ‘fail fail’ because even though you’re very invested and are likely hoping or even wheedling and begging them to leave, you can’t fail at a relationship that hasn’t actually started. It hasn’t. Your focus is directed at the fantasy of them leaving where you imagine what life would be like if you were both together, but this doesn’t become real which means you don’t have the responsibility and accountability that comes with a full time, committed relationship.

If your type is basically packaged as unavailable and you know they are doing things that detract from you or at the very least are not conducive to a healthy, mutual relationship, you’re also let off the hook from truly having to risk and commit because you know it’s not going to work out.

You can’t commit to someone that’s not committing – for you to commit to someone, they’ve got to commit to you, otherwise you’re uncommitted.

I’ve had many readers tell me about how they were involved with someone that was either clinically diagnosed as a narcissist or they behaved in ways that certainly suggested it…and yet there they are wondering about how someone who can’t love and is incredibly self-involved, can’t spontaneously combust into healthy relationship partner. It’s essentially wondering “Why couldn’t they make me the exception to their rule even though they can’t?” Many of these people will go back and try again.

What you can learn about these situations is that at the time, you weren’t looking for love within a committed, healthy relationship, even if you were saying otherwise. You were talking but you weren’t putting the matching actions there and in fact, any actions you were doing were contradictory.

By persisting in these situations, you’ve already accepted on another level and possibly even consciously, that this relationship is going to fail, making your professed desires faux goals.

Yes you will still get upset, frustrated, angry, hurt, try to get them to make you the exception, wonder if their actions are all about you, try to change them, try to change yourself, end things, go back, do No Contact, and the whole kit and kaboodle, but the fact that on some level you know it’s not going to work out is actually liberating you from the responsibility that comes with putting both feet in and being emotionally available with someone else who is doing the same.

It’s a faux goal and actually, when it feels like you’ve created an incredible amount of pain for yourself, it’s an own goal as well.

The long shot mentality has this fantasy reward that if it does come through, then you imagine basking in the glow of being made the exception to the rule and having your three-legged horse run and win like a four-legged thoroughbred. But it’s a fantasy and you’ll notice in fantasies that you imagine all the glory without the problems or the responsibility…

If you’ve been involved in relationships where there’s too much fantasy, not enough human interaction, or they’re unavailable in other ways, or are even married/attached, you are slipping your problematic fear of failure, making mistakes and commitment behind their somewhat more ‘obvious’ issues or a fantasy cloud.

Relationships are challenging (although not in the backbreaking type of work that people in unhealthy relationships engage in), but healthy relationships are obtainable.

Investing yourself in relationships that have very little chance of working out and/or have very obvious code amber and red issues, is setting faux goals because you’re ultimately appearing to have a goal of a relationship where you get a certain level of commitment, but then you either talk but do very little action, or the type of relationships you engage in have no involvement in taking the steps towards your [faux] goal.

If you want a healthy relationship, the steps you take towards that, for instance, don’t involve someone who is attached to someone else. Equally you don’t claim to want a healthy relationship but treat yourself in an unhealthy manner, or try to get someone that doesn’t want to commit to commit, or persist with unavailable people and then wonder why they don’t come with available behaviours.

And maybe that is the best way of judging how much you’re bullshitting yourself because you can tell a lot about how much your talk and walk is matching, by what’s reflected in the results of your life.

If your present deviates greatly from where you claim you want to end up and in fact, certain things you’re doing have no part in your plan, why keep doing them? To continue doing so is like trying to make that pigs ear into a silk purse, which is the longshot mentality. Ultimately, you are not a long shot, so don’t treat yourself like it could only be in exceptional circumstances where you can be happy.

Your thoughts?

Can You Take a Hint? Why Hints Are Clues To What’s Really Up With Your Relationship

Natalie (NML) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:57:13 +0000

Every day, people who are dating or in relationships where there’s unavailability or other issues, come up against hinting, you know indirectly or slightly indicating something. In essence, we receive feedback and signals from the actions and words of our partners that let’s us know what’s up…if we’re listening and watching.

You always know you’re up against hinting when:

- You’re making excuses for their behaviour or are even making excuses for their excuses.

- You make a lot of assumptions that you don’t sanity check and adjust accordingly.

- You deny, rationalise, and minimise which then means that hints become a blank canvas for your overactive imagination.

- Certain things have been said that you don’t like or want to believe, which you then spend copious amounts of time and energy analysing and ruminating over.

- You’ve decided that until they spell it out, loud and clear and even get a whole heap of nasty on you, that not only are you still in with a chance, but that you don’t fully believe what they’ve been ‘hinting’ at because they haven’t said it.

Hinting is a clue. Actions and words (or the lack of them) give a clue, as do certain situations. Where there’s one clue there are other clues, but the truth is, often just one clue alone is giving you vital information.

We used to love the British game show Catchphrase. Contestants were presented with a hidden image of a catchphrase and the computer would remove jigsaw like pieces one at a time, and they’d have to try and guess what the image said. The less pieces revealed, the more money you won. We’d be killing ourselves laughing when the host Roy Walker would get distinctly impatient when practically the whole image was there and they were still struggling. “Say what you see, say what you see!” he’d say tersely in his Northern Irish accent.

Well hinting in dating and relationships is very much like Catchphrase – the more clues you have to collect before you take the hint, the less of a relationship you have and the deeper you are into an unhealthy situation, either because they’re at best taking advantage of and at worst abusing you, or because by refusing to take the hints, you’ve ended up acting without self-love, care, trust, and respect towards yourself.

It’s your job as the person in charge of navigating your own life and setting and knowing your own boundaries, to be listening, watching, and acting upon those clues.

The most popular argument that people who won’t take the hint make, is that they believe that if someone for example wants to communicate “I don’t want a relationship” or “I’m not ready” or “I’m not interested” or “I’m not leaving my partner” or “I only want you for a shag, an ego stroke, or a shoulder to lean on”, that they should say this directly. Stop bullshitting yourself.

Putting it all on someone else to spell it out, is major avoidance of responsibility and accountability. You’re also saying that you don’t trust yourself to take the hint. When you’re dealing with someone who is either conflict avoidant and/or afraid of endangering a shag/ego stroke/shoulder to lean on/money/ or even a job, they’re going to hint.

Expecting a direct statement is like saying “I know they’ve not been calling, failing to show up, pissing me around, telling lies, and all sorts of Future Faking, but what if I have it wrong? Yeah I’ll just wait for them to tell me that they don’t want to be with me or that they’re not going to commit.”

What the frickin what now? They’re already showing you and possibly even telling you in their own airy, fairy rinky dink way that they don’t want to be with you and that they’re not going to commit!

When someone isn’t calling you, it’s a clue that…yeah, they’re not calling you, which means they’re not making the effort communication wise and are actually being disrespectful.

When someone only calls you when they want to hook up, it’s a clue that they only contact you to pave the way for a shag.

When someone doesn’t show up, unless they’re in a coma, it shows disrespect and disinterest.

When someone disappears, it is a clue that they’re a coward. If they try to come back and press the Reset Button, it’s a sign they’re manipulative coward.

When someone is married/attached and is trying to shag you or you’re already in an affair with them, it’s a clue that not only are they avoiding commitment, but that when they experience problems, whether it’s within themselves or their relationship, that they avoid them.

When they’re always drunk whenever you’re together or they’ve admitted that they have an addiction of some sort, or are clearly negatively impacted by their reliance on something, it’s a clue to get the hell out of dodge and that this person solves internal issues with external solutions.

When they’re telling you lies, it’s a clue that they’re dishonest.

When they’ve recently broken up with their ex, it’s a clue that they’re likely not over their ex which means you should be alert for subsequent clues.

When your partner hints that they’re gay or you even see them hitting on someone of the same sex or know that they’ve actually been sleeping with them, it’s a clue that you need to bounce unless you’re OK with this type of relationship. It shouldn’t take you having to find them literally having sex for you to take the hint!

When someone Future Fakes you and the future arrives without them making good on all of their grand talk, it’s a sign that this person is full of hot air. Instead of wondering what you did to scare away plans that were never going to happen, you should be taking the clue that that this person is all shirt no trousers.

When they’re being nasty, controlling, manipulative, abusive etc, it’s a clue that you’re in danger and need to exit, fast. You shouldn’t be waiting for them to put you in serious danger before you take them seriously.

When they act like a jackass to try to get you to finish it, it’s a clue that they want to end it, they just want you to do the dirty work. Either way, you have a relationship on your hands that needs to end.

When someone keeps breaking the relationship, it’s a clue that they don’t value you and that they also feel free to leave and return. Stop waiting for them to be nasty and say it’s definitively over – you end it!

When they say:

“I can’t give you what you want”

“I love you but I’m not in love with you.”

“I’m bad news.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’m really busy.”

“I need more time.”

“What’s a nice girl like you doing with a guy like me?”

“I don’t have time for a relationship.”

“Let’s be friends.”

“You know my situation.”

“You deserve better.”

“I just want to keep it casual” and other such guff, it’s a clue that they’re unavailable for an available relationship and have commitment issues.

It’s important that you listen, watch, and process the clues in your relationship because what hinters do is give you what they feel is a heads up about who they really are. It may be what you perceive to be a ‘weak’ hint, but it’s a hint and lo and behold, when you get medieval on them about messing you around, they’ll remind you that they said “I’m not in a good place right now” or that surely with all of their dodgy behaviour, you should have ‘known’ that they weren’t committing or even decent kind.

Listen to the feedback from your relationship and take the hint so that you stop selling yourself short. Trust the hint, trust your judgement.

Your thoughts?

Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.

Are you worried about being ‘good enough’ for something you don’t want or are not even doing?

Natalie (NML) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 23:08:19 +0000

Last night I had a well overdue catchup with one of my closest friends and as we filled one another in on our respective lives, it was both scary and hilarious how we’ve actually been going through a number of the same things. I experienced an ‘Aha Moment’ when she told me that after near running herself into the ground worrying about making some decisions about her career, a friend said to her “So let me get this right – you’re worried about not being good enough for a job that you don’t even like or want? You’ve worried about whether you’re able to do a job that you’re already doing well at?”

This is what I come across every day on Baggage Reclaim and have experienced in my own life. Concerns that sound like:

I’m trying to ‘win’ someone that I don’t actually want because we don’t share similar values and they’ve treated me without love, care, trust, and respect, but if I don’t make them love me, change, and basically win them, it will mean I’m not good enough.

Say what?

I’m worried about why I’m not good enough for someone that I actually know is not good enough for me and I’ve even called them an ‘assclown’.

I’m losing my mind over the fact that someone who was unavailable when I met them because they’re attached is still, yep you guessed it attached. In fact, if I’m entirely honest, I’m agonising over why they haven’t left them yet and why they don’t want me…even though I don’t trust them.

I’m worried that I’m not able for a relationship that is actually working well and healthy because I’m used to being in relationships that have issues I need to fight for.

I’m worried that I’m not good enough for a relationship that I ended for valid reasons and that I don’t even want anymore.

I’m worried about why I’m not good enough to have a better relationship even though I’ve never put myself out of my comfort zone and have stuck with my type.

In fact, I’m worried I’m not good enough for a relationship and I’m not even leaving my house and meeting people.

I’m worried that I’m not good enough for someone I claim is a narcissist. I combed the internet, everything says run Forrest run, but I’m wondering why they couldn’t make me the exception, even though they’re dangerous.

I’m worried that I’m not being and doing enough in spite of the fact that people keep saying to me that they don’t know how I do it, that I’m brilliant etc.

I’m worried about whether I’ll ever love again even though I’ve decided that I’ll never risk loving again and don’t trust anyone.

I’m worried about why someone at work/school/the gym/whatever doesn’t like/talk to me even though I don’t like or actually want to talk to them.

I can’t believe they didn’t invite me to something that I didn’t want to go to. Oh and did I mention that I don’t even like them?

I’m worried that I’m not good enough at my job even though I’ve been promoted several times, have been headhunted, offered different jobs, am regarded as an authority in my field etc.

Who needs to change here?

Is it the person you don’t like but are trying to change and/or win? Is it the person who’s still attached? The person trying to have a healthy relationship with you? Your ex? The narcissist? The people who keep telling you how great you are? The person you don’t like that doesn’t talk to you? The people who manage, headhunt, buy from, and even revere you?

When you lose your way, you get caught up in inverted ego issues where you make everything about you, including Other People’s Behaviour, take responsibility for everything (blaming and shaming) or avoid it all together (denial), or become obsessed with being ‘right’, having the last word, and fighting for something that is working against you and that you don’t actually want.

Think about it. If you’re not living the relationship you want or the person isn’t behaving in ways that are conducive to a healthy, mutual relationship, why do you want them?

This is how you get distracted from your values, your purpose, and basically yourself.

It’s important to stop focusing on not being good enough and look specifically at what you’re concerned you’re not good enough about because by putting yourself at conflict with you, you’re undermining everything you’re supposed to represent, desire, and need because you’re not listening and acting in line with your values so that you can do start to do what will actually make you happy, feel good, etc.

Ask yourself: Why am I worrying about doing well at a relationship that isn’t working for me and isn’t actually representative of my values? Why am I worried about pleasing someone that isn’t fricking pleasing me? Why am I worried about how I look to someone who doesn’t give a damn about how they look to me or others?

When you worry about something that’s in direct conflict with what you profess to want or be, it’s a sign that you’ve stopped listening to yourself and are not being authentic. It’s also a sign of avoidance – how can you be so concerned with something that you don’t want when the issue of what you do want hasn’t been addressed?

Often what we don’t want is tied to something or someone beyond our control. Often what we do want is within our control because ultimately achieving what we want has us in it. When we fear putting what we want on us, it’s easier to focus on everything and everyone else.

In recognising this shortfall in reality, you have an opportunity to address an area of your life that will have you failing to match your actions and words, which can wreak havoc in your life. If you’ve ever been a Fallback Girl (or guy), this is something you’re also on the receiving end of – the person concerns themselves with winning you over at all costs (blowing hot, Future Faking, Fast Forwarding etc) and worries about why you don’t want them or are ‘resisting’…even though they know even though they may not admit it, that they don’t want a relationship or will find a reason to ‘abscond’ or create problems at a later date. You then as the Fallback, end up dragging out this situation if you start ‘fighting’ for the relationship in spite of how you’re being treated.

Conversely, I get so many people saying that these depleting relationships are what they want and that this person is the only person that will do – but then we have to ask ourselves how can we complain so much and be upset about something and someone so great? The two things don’t match!

What are you worried about? What are you worried that you’re not good enough for? Write them down and be a little descriptive. If you read it out loud or you even said it to someone else, would it sound like you’d been at the crack pipe? Does it sound confusing? Conflicted? Irrational? Bearing in mind how much of your life can be devoted to worrying about these things and avoiding making and sticking to a decision, it’s a long time to spend in confusion, conflict, irrationality or even an emotional crack den, which is stressful which has repercussions elsewhere in your life.

Many of us worry about being ‘perfect’ which doesn’t exist. We think we’re seeking to be ‘good enough’ but when we keep flogging ourselves about not measuring up, it means we’re actually not even recognising when we’re more than good enough. The person who embraces themselves and doesn’t strive for ideals that don’t exist and is self-forgiving and looking for growth in a positive way, ends up being far happier than the person obsessed with being the ‘perfect version of good enough’, blaming themselves for everything (because they’re all or nothing) and focusing negatively on themselves.

You’re good enough already. You’re good enough to go for the things that will positively benefit you. Stop fighting it.

Your thoughts?

Image source JuliaF SXC

Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.

The Trouble With Feeling Owed After a Relationship ‘Investment’ Goes Sour

Natalie (NML) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 23:28:44 +0000

I’ve heard from more than a few readers recently who are feeling resentful after being in a relationship where they feel that they gave and gave and gave and that they got nothing or very little ‘back’. Leaving more than a sour taste in their mouthes, they feel ‘owed’ and even lose sleep ruminating over whether someone else will reap the benefit of their ‘investment’.

In truth, the area of investment into relationships is very shady territory. Just like in my last post where I explained how when people are confronted with what they know to be at best inappropriate, and at worst downright dangerous carry-on in their relationship, that they increase their trust, you will step up your level of investment when it feels like you’re on a crumb relationship diet.

It’s like “Hmmm, this relationship isn’t panning out how I expected. I could fold but instead I’m going to ramp up the level of my investment so that when they realise how much I love them and that I’m more than good enough, that they’ll match me.”

The trouble with working hard at a greatly imbalanced relationship is that of course it’s going to feel like incredibly hard work and a huge investment of your energy, because it’s like putting your bucket down an empty well repeatedly and hoping that water will come back up. Or trying to break concrete with a plastic shovel. At its worst when you’re actually in a relationship where the person is busting up your boundaries left, right, and centre, it’s like peeing into the wind – it all comes back at you in a rather unpleasant manner.

Relationships are 100:100 – you never have to feel like you’ve busted up your back, contorted yourself into a pretzel, or sold yourself down the river if you 1) arrive to your relationships as an equal and if you 2) only remain in your relationships when it’s mutual. If you feel ‘owed’ it’s because someone left some of their effort on the table.

Once you start ‘topping up’ the other party like a Pay As You Go Relationship, or doing things with a view to triggering their fountain of love, or even doing all of their effort for them, of course you’re going to feel like you’re ‘owed’ because in recognising that there’s supposed to be two of you in this, when all is said and done, it looks like the other party has reaped the benefit of your over investment.

When people tell me that they’ve given someone a roof over their head, money out of their back pocket, cooked, cleaned, turned a blind eye, taken them back repeatedly, ‘overlooked’ what they shouldn’t, and basically been incredibly indispensable across the board, I hear where they’re coming from, not least because I’ve been there…but, and there is a but…aside from some of these things being silent contracts with uncommunicated expectations, sometimes we do this stuff to substitute for really stretching ourselves.

If may seem easier to pander to their every need and even fix their problems, because if you strip it down to the basics of mutual love, care, trust, respect, shared values and intimacy, commitment, progression, balance, and consistency, it would cause you to realise your fear of being vulnerable and ‘risking’ yourself plus you’d come up short from the other party.

You can focus on their problems and lack of ‘matching’ and then remind yourself that you’re ‘there’, that you ‘love’ them, that you’ve suffered the most for this person and that it takes someone special to put up with some of the stuff that you have.

If it was a question of how much you ‘suffer’ for someone’s love, we’d all be shackled to assclowns. Pain is not love. Forget love against the odds or ‘sacrificing yourself’ – that’s bullshit! If you’re ‘suffering’, you should be exiting.

If it was a question of how much you love someone, you wouldn’t need their input because in theory you could say “I love this person to infinity and beyond!” and qualify yourself for the relationship and their ‘love’ based on what you perceive to be this grand love. Unfortunately we’re not very objective when we consider ourselves in the love equation and may have very unhealthy ideas about what constitutes love.

In the new edition of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I talk about being an indispensable overgiver, where I explain:

“I’ve heard from many indispensable Buffers who basically cook, clean, babysit, chauffeur, and nursemaid uncommitted men. This is excessive. In a healthy relationship, he’ll prioritise having shared values and mutual love, care, trust, and respect over your housekeeping and other abilities.

Focus on getting your relationship in order and addressing issues. Being indispensable will not address your problems. Don’t substitute taking an active role in your relationship and being emotionally available with doing stuff like cooking, cleaning, etc., because they’re not one and the same thing. A man who has one or both feet out of the relationship and has emotional and/or legal ties elsewhere will lose respect for you while availing himself of the fringe benefits of a woman that just doesn’t know when to step back. If you did, you’d soon see where this relationship really was, and ultimately, why do you need to run yourself into the ground?”

People only talk about ‘investments’, feeling ‘owed’, what the other party ‘isn’t', and only have a sense of what they’re doing and essentially keep tabs, in unhealthy relationships. If you become too focused on what you’re ‘giving’, it ceases to be wholehearted – it becomes The Stuff I Do To Provoke You Into Giving Back What I Want. That’s not giving to them; that’s giving to you albeit via a very convoluted and painful route.

If you’ve ever given someone a home, material goods, money etc with the idea being (even if you didn’t quite verbalise it), that the person would ‘reward’ your generosity with a relationship, you’ve likely already discovered that this isn’t what happens and you’re probably out of pocket too. Hard as this may be to hear, the most they owe you is a thank you, some respect (although not a given), and potentially rent or monetary payback, not a relationship.

If you ‘give’ to drive a relationship that doesn’t exist in the way that you hope and expect it to, you’re getting your relationship action back to front. Establish the relationship first and ensure that it’s mutual and co-pilotted. If you’re giving to provoke a match, you’ll wind up bankrupt, emotionally and possibly literally.

You don’t have a ‘claim’ on an ex or even all your exes – they don’t owe you their better selves, just like if and when you make positive changes to your own life, much as an ex might try, they don’t have the right to collect what they feel they’re owed.

We have to invest ourselves into relationships – it comes with the territory. If we don’t put ourselves in, we’re out. The key is 1) choosing healthy relationships and 2) knowing what our deal breakers are so that we fold when the relationship ‘deal’ can’t continue. If you don’t do the due diligence, ignore code amber and reds, or you then stall to trust yourself and make decisions, you’ll end up knee deep in an unhealthy investment trying to ‘recoup’ what you’re ‘owed’.

When you do feel like you’re owed, it’s confirmation that your relationship isn’t or wasn’t mutual. It means it’s either time to walk or, if the relationship is now over, confirmation that it’s right to be over, because if you feel owed, and you stay, you’re just going to end up feeling more owed.

Your thoughts?

If you have a history of spending too much time hanging around in an unhealthy relationship, check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.

The Dreamer & the Shopper: Have you inadvertently found yourself in a fantasy relationship?

Natalie (NML) — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 22:14:11 +0000

If you’ve ever found yourself struggling to get over a relationship that didn’t get off the ground, was unreciprocated, or was largely virtual, you may not realise that you’ve been involved in a fantasy relationship although you may have uttered the words, “I can’t figure out what was real and what wasn’t!”

While some people do the atypical fantasy and conjure up a relationship and a connection that doesn’t and never did exist, what I come across are people who are stuck in a sustained period of continuing a ‘connection’ mentally that’s ceased in real life with the help of the internet, and then those who use the flimsiest of connections as a springboard to create a connection and relationship in their imagination that far surpasses reality.

These situations are often borne out of loneliness, a fear of rejection and intimacy, and great feelings of inadequacy. The more knocks you experience in the real world that you’re trying to avoid, the bigger a cocoon that you’ll build around yourself.

Expectations and illusions have a huge impact on emotional availability and the dynamics in a relationship. When you consider the unhealthy beliefs that you can carry when you have a habit of being in unavailable relationships, it’s also easy to see how you can have an unrealistic picture of what a relationship looks like and how you can choose unavailable people to try to fill voids within you.

Of course the trouble is that while they can often have some ‘good’ qualities, the ones that add up to a mutual, healthy relationship are thin on the ground and they’re under-qualified to fulfil capabilities and expectations that you place on them. One of the things they do do though that’s very useful for those of you prone to overuse of your imagination, is remain distant, so while that does have its frustrations when you want them to make certain things a reality, truth be told, the distance works for you and leaves you free to imagine whatever you like.

Any relationship or even the prospect of one, where there was some level of emotional investment takes some time to get over, but it’s safe to say that it can be awfully difficult to let go of a relationship that didn’t actually exist or what did, was as flimsy as a sandcastle built in the sky. What many people don’t recognise about grieving the loss of relationships is that it’s not just about when you break a relationship; it can also be about grieving the loss of hope and what you thought might be and some of you aren’t doing this and are in fact, holding tight not only to the dream but a massive avoidance of rejection. Unfortunately, it’s a vicious circle because the more you avoid your feelings, is the more you remain in denial, is the more unavailable you become, is the greater likelihood of either opening yourself up to pain with this Mr/Miss Unavailable, or finding fresh pain with a new one.

If you have a tendency to have crushes, get lost in your feelings, continue feeling even when it becomes clear it’s not reciprocated, or can weave a fantasy relationship out of words and your imagination, you’re a Dreamer. Carrying a huge fear of intimacy, you find it safer to live in your mental world rather than risk a ‘real’ rejection. While all Fallback Girls (and guys) have avoidance issues and are chasing a feeling, you don’t truly want to get close to anyone – you want that “feeling” from a distance.

Your mind is very rarely in the present and you’re very ‘dreamy’ and have often been doing your imaginary world thing for a very long time, possibly since childhood or after you experienced a traumatic event. It may be a learned coping mechanism for shutting out anything ‘unpleasant’ that’s eating up too much reality and causing you to feel vulnerable. Often, all you need is a little attention or for them to be in possession of a couple of characteristics or qualities that you overvalue, for you to create a connection that ignites your imagination.
In theory, you can become involved with any unavailable person including in particular, Transitionals, Cheaters, and Opportunists but particularly in these modern times, you’re most likely to be caught out with the Shopper.

Fond of collecting attention, you’re highly likely to find them online or hiding behind their phone. Like all Unavailables, they’re an intimacy dodger and like to keep themselves as distant as possible by fuelling most of the communication through words and never meeting you, or only doing so very occasionally and coming up with the most absurd reasons for why it hasn’t happened yet.

In some respects, they’re a Dreamer themselves but are often more conscious of it due to them having the upper hand in the relationship. That said, they wouldn’t take any responsibility for any promises made off the back of the dreaming. They’re also the type that ‘fishes’ with ambiguous texts, leaves you waiting on Skype, asks you to transfer some money to them after you’ve only known them for a month because their sister has been in an ‘accident’, or has you waiting in every night for a call at a certain time while they’re off pestering someone else or feathering their nest elsewhere.

If you’re entirely honest with yourself, which may be difficult when you’re prone to fantasy, you feel much more secure and in control in your illusionary world than you do in real life.

I’ve read enough mails and comments from readers to know that sometimes you can become so overwhelmed by your experiences and the pain, and lose so much confidence in yourself that you feel helpless to deal with a real relationship and take comfort in your imagination where everything feels and looks a lot better.

Unfortunately in real life, you’re still a Fallback Girl/Guy and while you’re immersed in your feelings and imagination, you miss out on some very obvious signs that all is not well. You don’t register that you’re not being ‘matched’, or that they’ve left the building or were never even there, or that who you think they are is not actually who you’re involved with.

While all this ‘loving’ and ‘trusting’ blindly opens you up to at best being taken advantage of and at worst being abused if you’re involved with someone, if you’re not, it can cause you to become very numb and struggle to discern fiction from reality. On top of this, you lose significant chunks of your life.

You’re an ideal match for an over-estimating, Future Faking, Fast Forwarding, dreaming, attention seeking, and in need of an ego stroke Unavailable.

Shoppers can toss you some words and some pipe dreams in crumb rations and sustain this flimsy relationship for years. While they may not be aware of your dreamy tendencies at the outset, when it becomes clear you’re in LaLa Land and it doesn’t set off alarm bells and have them backing away, they rationalise that it’s not their fault that you’ve got “carried away” and that they’ll pass time with you.

This is one of those situations where it might be all you, but if there’s an Unavailable in the equation, then someone’s benefitting from your fantasy ways. That doesn’t remove your accountability but it’s important to get back to base here: You’re a Fallback that chooses people that reflect your beliefs and allow you to remain in your comfort zone.

While your fantasies and crushes may have involved some Mr/Miss Availables, it’s more likely that they didn’t because an available person poses a risk of vulnerability and intimacy which you’re trying to avoid, so you’ll choose your ‘marks’ well because they’ll be attached, or immersed in their own problems, sitting at the end of a computer etc. Of course, as is always the case with unavailable relationships, eventually reality pierces the illusion bubble and much pain results.

Your thoughts?

This is an excerpt from one of the forthcoming mini guides that will be accompanying Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. More info coming soon! And yes there is one on Miss Independent/Miss Self Sufficient, The Other Woman, and even a Miss Understanding. The new edition of Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl is now available to buy both in print and in digital formats plus check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and and more in my bookshop.

Image source: MichaelAW on SXC

Excerpt from Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl: Renovators & Florences

Natalie (NML) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 21:00:41 +0000

In this excerpt from the new edition of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain the very tricky territory of fixing, healing and helping and how your need to be needed and trying to be the solution to problems that aren’t yours to fix, backfire and leave you feeling anything but loved.

Right now there are millions of women dating and in relationships with men that they 1) weren’t that interested in to begin with but thought they could change them, 2) were interested but had to turn a blind eye to some stuff and thought they could change them, and 3) were mostly interested in the purpose of fixing/healing/helping them. What this tells you straight off the bat is that many women end up in unsatisfactory relationships because they knowingly choose partners they deem as having ‘faults’ or ‘issues’. They believe that if they ‘give’ and ‘love’ that this will give them the power to change their inadequate partners and be rewarded with their love.

Unfortunately, believing that you have superhuman powers is what has you repeatedly returning to the same relationship crime scene, going out with the same guy in a different package, and taking on fixer-upper projects that leave you hungry and hurt. I’m a big fan of TV shows like Property Ladder, Grand Designs, and Location, Location, Location, which deliver an important message that you should remember throughout this chapter and the rest of this book: it’s all fruitless unless you get Return On Investment (ROI). You cannot take any man with any problems and treat him like a blank canvas and magic up the relationship you want, because it’s like trying to turn a pig’s ear into a silk purse – a very bad bet.

What’s the difference between the woman that ditches men because they don’t meet her stringent criteria and the woman that instead of ditching, focuses on fixing and healing? A slippery slope.

When you choose men that you believe need fixing and a makeover, you’re a Renovator. Relationships where you secretly or even openly put yourself on a pedestal are your preference because underneath your critical eye and controlling ways, lurks low self-esteem. You figure that he’s not right for now, but that if you give and fix, that you’ll be rewarded with a committed relationship. Disillusioned with dating and scared to put yourself out there with the type of men you’d prefer, you think you’re playing it safe and then Mr Unavailable turns the tables on you.

With the rehab route, you’re a fixing/healing/helping Florence Nightingale that needs to feel needed. His problems give you a purpose, and you believe that if you love enough, even ‘major issues’ can be overcome, for you. You make yourself the solution to problems that aren’t yours to fix and that require more than love and a woman to resolve. You’re often righting the wrongs of the past as a parent/caregiver tends to be very similar to your partners, and with your low self-esteem, you think a man with problems will be grateful for your love and reciprocate. Having no idea how to meet your own needs, you become frustrated at being deprioritised and your own problems go unaddressed as you’re always distracted. You want to make everything better, but you’re actually making things worse.

Renovators can pretty much date any Mr Unavailable or even a decent, available guy and try to fix and make him over, but you tend to be with Opportunists, guys who get involved because you serve the purpose of being useful. On the take, they have little or no regard for your feelings, and because of your renovating ways, they see it as their right to exploit the situation. Florences end up with Woundeds, men with excess baggage in the form of emotional and behavioural problems; addictions such as sex, gambling, alcoholism and drugs; and in some instances they may even be abusive. Whatever their problems are, they completely affect their ability to be in a relationship.

Some people run in the opposite direction from relationships where it’s apparent that the person isn’t what they want or that they have major issues that make a relationship a no-go area, but not you. You either seem to think you can bulldoze your changes on any man or you refuse to see problems for what they are. You don’t see a man that you don’t really fancy, respect, value, or accept, and you don’t see a man with more baggage than all five terminals at Heathrow. You see opportunities.

You may not be conscious of it, but there’s a Bingo Moment when you first become involved with a guy where you see, hear, or perceive something that causes you to ‘click’ into place and feel that you have a purpose and opportunity to be needed. You have your eye on the prize and the reward. The idea is that you invest yourself into a relationship no matter how lacking or dangerous, and in knowing that he’s not actually the Catch of the Year, much less of the century, you expect that he’ll almost bask in the glow of a woman like you and it’ll be like “Wow, a woman like her wants me to better myself or is willing to be with me in spite of my humongous luggage. I will love and worship her!” You’re trying to live out a very f*cked up princess and the frog tale.

The reality is altogether different. There’s no prince hidden in your fixer-upper/pet project and Mr Unavailable never has the same agenda as you and does things on his terms. While Opportunists and Woundeds may initially be flattered by your interest and ‘love’ and even appear to make some changes, eventually they do rebel, they do blow hot and cold, and the bait and switch takes place where suddenly a relationship that you felt in control of, is very much out of your control. This will boggle you. You’ll wonder how even this man with all the changes he ‘needs’ or glaring problems can’t love you and you’ll also wonder how he’s running rings around you.

These relationships go one of three ways: he moves on and someone else appears to reap the rewards of your effort, he stays but refuses to change so you end up living in Misery City, or he leaves and remains the same anyway. What I can assure you of is that this relationship is doomed regardless because this isn’t love; it’s control and as you’ve already discovered, messing with Mr Unavailables is one big painful adventure in attempting to control the uncontrollable.

Your thoughts? Download this exclusive excerpt which also includes a list of typical characteristics of Renovators and Florences.

The new edition of Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl is now available to buy both in print and in digital formats plus check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and and more in my bookshop.

Image via SXC

Actions Matching Words in a Nutshell: If You Haven’t Got a Match, You Haven’t Got a Healthy Relationship But You Do Have Problems

Natalie (NML) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 21:38:41 +0000

I see so many people practically getting a Ph.d in investigating what someone said but didn’t back up with words, or investing themselves in something that looks like a relationship but the other party has said things to the contrary, that I felt it was time to break it down.

If the person appears to behave like they’re in a relationship by exhibiting the hallmarks of one such as spending time with you, sleeping together, introducing you to people, acting like you’re in a relationship, but then says that they don’t want to commit, that you’re “just friends” or ‘Friends With Benefits’, or denies that you’re even together, or says they’re not ready, their cat’s stuck up a tree, they haven’t got clean drawers, their budgie died when they were five, or whatever, if you continue, you’re ignoring the fact that their words don’t stack up with what you believed to be the actions of a relationship.

This is basically not seeing the wood for the trees because you’ll be telling yourself that action speaks louder than words, as if having the hallmarks of a relationship without the landmarks of one, trumps someone essentially disrespecting you and your relationship. You don’t realise they are lessening their responsibility, managing down your expectations, and telling you that you have the wrong end of the stick. “This isn’t a relationship so whatever you’re reading into things, it doesn’t hold the same meaning for me. I don’t feel the same way.”

It’s time to ask yourself what the hell you’re doing with someone who will shag you, get an ego stroke, play house etc but then say things that completely contradict that? When they say stuff like “I don’t see myself settling down with you”, you must be thinking “What the what now? Pur-lease! They don’t know their own mind!” That’s like thinking they’re a bit thick and need some hand holding in the relationship department.

However, when someone says any of this “I don’t want a relationship” and other such BS that contradicts their so-called action, it’s a get out clause and forewarning. If you continue, they assume you know the deal and recognise that how they’re acting is with a backdrop to what they originally said. They haven’t changed their mind.

On the flipside, I come across an incredible number of people who are sold on the wing and a prayer of words. Some have been interacting with people who have never had their actions match the words that come out of their mouth for over five decades. That’s some heavyweight Future Faking with an even heavier does of denial, rationalising, and minimising.

When you allow someone to persistently and consistently talk a good game without delivering, it’s like allowing them to bend over in your life and fart an incredible amount of hot air.

You may be thinking “Oh but they said it so they surely must have intended it” or “People who don’t love you or don’t want a relationship don’t talk like they’re in a relationship” or “They must say this stuff because they intend to do it and then it must be something about me that’s making them not do it so if I love them enough and become a loveable person then they’ll finally come up with the goods”. These people are a violation of the Trade Descriptions Act while selling you goods under deception.

Really, being with someone who talks but fails to act, is like calling up one of those chat lines over and over again. “What’s your fantasy today?” they ask, barely disguising their boredom while cutting their toenails. “Tell me about the type of relationship we’re going to have, the things you would do, where you would take me and then tell me all the excuses for why you won’t do any of those things and then reel me in again with some more Future Faking…”

I know I’ve said this many times but if actions and words don’t match, you’ve got problems. Match, match, match, match, match.

When someone is a person of integrity, they act like they’re in a relationship and talk they’re in a relationship because they think like they’re in a relationship. People whose actions and words don’t match have a disconnect with their thinking which is reflected in their actions and words, which also causes them to not live congruently with values they profess to have and desires, needs, and expectations they claim. The disconnect means they undermine what they say and do.

They don’t match because they don’t commit to what they say and/or they don’t commit to what they do.

The person who acts one way and says something else is talking themselves out of any perceived commitment to you so they can lessen their vulnerability and responsibility.

The person who says one thing and then does another thing entirely or nothing at all, is passive aggressively acting themselves out of any perceived commitment. The longer you hang around, the more they realise that you buy the fantasy so they take their foot off the peddle and just keep farting that hot air, occasionally throwing out a little action in times of panic and then gradually undermining it all over again once they think it’s safe to.

This means that there’s no point latching onto what they say about being in a relationship with you if they don’t act like they’re in a relationship with you, and there’s no point latching onto the fact that they appear to act like they’re in a relationship with you but they tell you that you’re ‘just friends’ or that it’s ‘casual’.

If you don’t have a match, you don’t have a relationship but you do have problems. No match, no healthy, mutual relationship but you’ll definitely have a whole load of mind effery going on.

When someone’s actions and words don’t match, you can never truly trust in them or where your relationship is headed, which by the way is nowhere. You’ll be left hungry for substance and very confused.

Just because an ex did those things with you and called you their boyfriend/girlfriend or you ‘feel’ like you’re in a relationship, or your feelings within this pseudo relationship are that of someone in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship or that you know better than someone who’s acting or saying differently.

Actions do speak louder than words but don’t get it confused. When it’s not a match, the actions tell you everything you need to know.

If someone appears to act like they’re in a relationship but says different, it means that the actions are now those of someone who is not in a mutual relationship with you, which means you’re feeling and giving in what you perceived to be a relationship and now need to roll back.

If someone says they’re in a relationship, but doesn’t back it up with action, their actions contradict it or they even do nothing at all, it also means that not only is this clearly not mutual, but it doesn’t exist as stated, which is verging on a fantasy relationship.

If actions and words don’t positively match, which means you have hallmarks and landmarks, you’ve got problems. You will have even greater problems if you fail to recognise the disconnect and push your flush handle. The funny thing is that when they do match, you know where you’re at, and when it’s a good match, you’re not spending your life feeling mind screwed and ‘hungry’ for substance.

Your thoughts?

For a no holds barred guide to actions not matching words, check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.

Excerpt from Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl 2nd edition: He Keeps a Foothold in Your Life

Natalie (NML) — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 21:33:32 +0000

Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available in print – yay – so I thought it was high time I shared an excerpt from this completely rewritten edition. In the chapter, He Keeps a Foothold in Your Life, I explain how playing the ‘Friend Card’ and popping up from time to time in your life no matter how long you’ve been apart can make it difficult for you to move on. As many of you have already discovered, it can be very tricky to shake someone with the tenacity of a cockroach after a nuclear bomb out of your life when they’re determined to keep you as a rainy day option in their back pocket…

Let’s cut straight to the chase – he can’t keep control of you and maintain The Status Quo (his comfort zone) outside of the relationship if he doesn’t have a foot in your life and is unsure of your interest. He’s all about his comfort zone, so aside from having a comfort zone for when you’re involved, he equally has one for when you’re no longer together. In his mind, you’re either going to be together on his terms or apart on his terms. As a result, he’s quite frankly a pain in the bum.

From pushing the ‘Friend Card’, to poking around in your life, to chasing you for contact, attention, and even sex, he’s devised a number of means to attempt to maintain control even when the relationship is over. He can’t commit – whether it’s to being with you or leaving you the hell alone – so he’s ensuring that you’re an option should he change his mind or have a use for you, while feeding his ego with the security of what he perceives as your affections for him. He’s rarely upfront about this so of course this wreaks havoc in the lives of any and all Fallback Girls that give him the time of day.

The moment that you appear to be moving on is when he’ll home in on you, blow hot, and set you back ten steps. You’ll readily accept his offer of his friendship because you don’t want to let go either and you keep reminding yourself how he’s so nice, what great qualities he has, and how ‘connected’ you are, and how he’s so like your soulmate except for the small problem of him being emotionally unavailable and unable to commit. Let’s just cut to the chase:

He’s not your friend and he exploits an innate human desire to be perceived as being friend-worthy.

When he suggests that you should be friends or comes back and dangles the ‘Friend Card’ when he’s trying to squeeze his way into your life on lesser terms, it’s because if you won’t give him the time of day, let alone your friendship, aside from the fact that it will be very tricky for him to keep a foot in your life, you not being his friend communicates that he might not be as ‘wonderful’ or ‘innocent’ as he believes.

There’s a universal belief that if someone is still prepared to be your friend after you’ve broken up, it means you’re a good person. Securing friendship and respect, even if it’s undeserved, becomes of paramount importance. What he’s failed to realise is that these are things that are earned and if he’s that bloody concerned with being perceived as hurting or wronging someone, it’s about time he sought for his actions to reflect this.

You know when he asks to be friends after the breakup and you don’t hear from him for a while? It’s because, in you saying YES he’s secured enough of an ego stroke that he only sees the need to get in touch with you to check that it still stands.

You know when he pesters you about hanging out, catching up, or whatever to show that you’re ‘friends’ and then you agree and he suddenly goes ‘dark’ or the arrangement falls through? He secured enough of an ego stroke through your agreement that he sees no further use for you. For now.

You know when he badgers you to understand things from his perspective or for your forgiveness, only for him to go off and mistreat you again? It’s because he’s gained what he wants – forgiveness – so the slate’s been wiped clean. Even though he may do more stuff to piss you off, in his mind you’re ‘friends’.

The truth is: only people who are undeserving of your friendship have to badger, railroad, and guilt you into being their friend. If they were someone who acted with love, care, trust, and respect, they’d have a relative comfort in knowing they acted well enough that there is a possibility of friendship, but they equally would respect your need for space and not assume that they have a right to your friendship.

POKING AROUND

It’s easier to keep in touch with minimal effort, and with so many of us sharing aspects of our lives online that often link us to mutual friends and acquaintances, it has never been so easy for someone to poke around in our lives.

When he’s in ‘investigative mode’, he’s looking for clues either from you or third party sources that 1) you haven’t moved on, 2) you’re still the person he thought you were, and 3) that you’re still an option. Unfortunately, as Fallback Girls, we’re inclined to see poking around as something flattering – we think it’s a reflection of his feelings and inability to resist us. Be under no illusions – he’s poking around to maintain The Status Quo. Nothing more, nothing less.

If you haven’t heard from him, little do you realise, he may have done the poking around he needed without having to let you know about it. He may have asked mutual friends about you who told him that you’re OK but suffering (he thinks you’re still into him), or checked your Facebook profile and seen that you’re not happy or people sympathising with you (he thinks you’re still into him), or seen you walking around the office or town looking like someone has died (he thinks you’re still into him), seen a ‘tweet’ about how much your heart hurts (he thinks you’re still into him), or heard how you tried to date but decided to stop (he thinks you’re still into him).

Equally, he may have got confirmation that you’re still an option from you.

He may have gotten a call, text, or email from you checking in to ‘see how he’s doing’ (he thinks you’re still into him), or another message wondering why you haven’t heard from him (he thinks you’re still into him), or you told him he’s an asshole for treating you X/Y/Z but still responded to his next contact (he thinks you’re still into him), or you quickly reply to messages or agree to meet up (he thinks you’re still into him).

When you get the frenzied poking around, where he’s calling, showing up at your work or home, etc., it’s highly likely it’s because you’re not responding to any of these, or have responded in a drastically negative manner, and he hasn’t found third-party means to confirm your interest. While for a lot of Mr Unavailables even a very negative response is still attention in their eyes, for some, a very negative response will trigger that out-of-control sensation, and – yep, you guessed it – they start pursuing you, thinking they want to get back together, Future Faking etc. If you eventually move from very negative to positive again, which confirms your interest and validates their ego, they’ll bail or turn into Mr Not So Interested.

Your thoughts?

The new edition of Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl is now available to buy both in print and in digital formats plus check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and and more in my bookshop.

Behind Every Excuse is the Real Reason

Natalie (NML) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 22:14:54 +0000

One of the things that I’ve recognised as a differentiator between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the presence of excuses, whether it’s yours and/or theirs. In the worst of situations where you may be denying, rationalising, and minimising, you may even be making excuses for their excuses which only goes to show how poor the original excuse was.

Just like how on the other side of a jumped boundary lies disrespect, on the other side of an excuse often not only lies at least some element of disrespect but also the real reason.

An excuse is a reason that is given to justify an offence or fault but its primary purpose is to lessen responsibility by getting you to overlook, excuse, or even forgive off the back of it. This of course is rather tricky because when there’s excuses it means that any commitment is being lessened, which means everything else tied to it becomes pretty flimsy. You may also be overlooking things that are busting up your boundaries.

People often get ‘reasons’ and ‘excuses’ mixed up because there appears to be some crossover. Excuses allow people to remain in their uncomfortable comfort zone, dodge conflict by avoiding honesty both with others and themselves, dodge accountability, and cast themselves in a better light.

Saying “The dog ate my homework” gives the impression that you’ve been a victim of misfortune and avoids conflict whereas saying “I couldn’t be arsed to do my homework” or “I forgot” makes you look lazy and lacking in conscientiousness.

Likewise saying “I’ve been really busy” gives the impression that you’re so busy (ya know busier than a world leader) that you haven’t had the time to contact or see them whereas saying “I’m not interested / am half-hearted / have been trying to get back with my ex” will not only have you in the position of saying something that most people squirm at and possibly inviting ‘conflict’, but if you’re the type of person that likes to hedge your bets, you may want to keep them as a rainy day option. If anything you’re hoping they’ll take the hint and do your job for you and at the worst of things, you may be hoping the excuse allows you to avail of their ‘usefulness’.

Excuses are inherently negative whereas things happen every day that are positive that have reasons behind them – that’s what a reason is; a cause or an explanation and yes sometimes a justification for something happening.

A reason doesn’t lessen responsibility or even act as an automatic precursor to being excused or forgiven and what I’ve found differentiates a genuine reason from an excuse is that when someone provides a reason for why something has or hasn’t happened, a solution is in the offing.

People who make excuses aren’t really looking to ‘make sh*t happen’ or find a solution that you can both live with, or even ‘rectify’ or make amends. Excuses are not real reasons; they’re BS ones.

In my post about ‘Sorry’, I explained how when someone gets on your case about accepting their apology or forgiving them that it really means:

“Look, can you hurry the eff up and accept my apology so I can stop feeling bad about it? You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you is terribly inconvenient and my ego doesn’t like the pinch of reality, so if you don’t mind, get a shuffle on, accept my apology and let’s move on so I can slam my palm down on the Reset Button. “

Well guess what? When someone uses an excuse, they’re really saying:

“Look, hurry the eff up and get off my case so I can get my shag / ego stroke / shoulder to lean on / money / perfect image back etc. You perceiving me as wronging/hurting/abusing/whatever you, is setting off my responsibility alarm bells which is setting off my reality alarm bells which is setting off my commitment, expectation, and intimacy alarm bells. The sooner I’m excused, the sooner I can get back to doing what I always do.”

Or “Look, can you hurry the eff up and get off my back because I’m only offering up this feeble justification for what I’ve said/done or failed to say/do because the real reason doesn’t sound too great when said out loud and may invite conflict, plus if I gave you the real reason, it would put me in the position of actually having to do something.”

Or “Please reduce your expectations of me and this relationship immediately.”

Sometimes, they’re even saying “Look, you know and I know what’s happened here but if you want to go along with this charade, I’ll throw you an excuse and see how much more of a free ride I can get.”

Sometimes, they’re saying, “Wow, it seems like you don’t seem to see what’s really going on here! Can’t you see I ain’t sh*t?!/ Can’t you see that I clearly am not putting in the time and effort here? Hmmm…well I won’t be direct with you because I don’t want to look like the bad guy here, so I’ll palm you off with this excuse in the hope that you get the hint. And if you don’t, well it’d be almost rude not to avail of what’s on offer…”

Often it’s literally “I cannot be arsed to put some real effort into a real reason.”

And when you make excuses for their excuses “I’m telling you….I’m not leaving! You’re the best thing I’ve never had or only had for a short time before the Future Faking ended and I don’t want to let go of the fantasy because then I’d have to see and accept some uncomfortable things and even get out of my comfort zone. You’re gonna love me!” – Note, best read as if singing with Jennifer Hudson’s voice.

And when you make excuses for yourself “I’m not really looking to find a solution or take any action that would involve making a decision and leaving my comfort zone.”

Behind every excuse is the real reason.

Sometimes it simply boils down to “I don’t want to try” and what’s really important is that you don’t clog up your life with excuses whether it’s yours or theirs because you’ll become a person of inaction that doesn’t make decisions. Excuses, especially when we buy into them make things appear more complicated than they are.

The next time you’re presented with an excuse, it’s time to ask “So what does this mean?” or “So what happens next?” I remember when Dot Dot Dot Man told me how busy he was for the umpteenth time and how he’s not ready for a relationship and I told him that he clearly doesn’t have time for a relationship and this meant that our ‘relationship’ was over.

That’s what it meant and that’s what happens next when someone keeps excusing themselves for not having the time, energy, decency or even ability to evolve into a copilot in your relationship.

Trust me when I say that when someone is looking to maintain the status quo and keep palming you off with excuses, no solutions are on the horizon, after all, if they’re the one making the excuses, they have to be a part of the solution, which means they have to be responsible in the relationship, which means that excuses become redundant.

You’ll know you’re in a healthy relationship when you don’t have to listen to excuses or make excuses. Instead of accepting excuses, start accepting the reasons.

Your thoughts?

They say they love / like you but… you’re the ‘wrong’ religion, colour, age etc

Natalie (NML) — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 20:33:32 +0000

Katie was surprised when her boyfriend of six months told her that he thinks she’s great and “likes her a lot” but that he could only see himself settling down with someone that’s younger and black – they’re both in their forties and she’s white.

When someone says that much as they love / like you, that they can’t be with you, or you have to be kept a secret, or it’s never going to progress into something more serious, you’ve actually been declared incompatible. It’s stuff like:

“My parents wouldn’t approve.”

“My kids can’t cope with me being in a relationship” – sometimes these ‘kids’ are adults with their own children.

They don’t believe in something that they’ve known you always believe in.

You’re the ‘wrong’ colour, religion, race, background.

One or both of your parents have the ‘wrong’ type of problems.

One time many moons ago before they were in your life, you did something that they don’t like.

You’re not a virgin…even though you’re both pushing fifty and they’re not one either…

You’re too young or too old.

You don’t have enough money or you don’t handle your finances, career etc in a way that they ‘approve’ of.

You don’t ‘look’ the ‘right’ way.

You have the same kids that you showed up to the relationship with.

They blindside and confuse you because more often than not, whatever it is that they’re deeming you as ‘incompatible’ with, existed when you became involved. This begs the question:

If you can’t be with me because of this, what the frick are you doing with me and why did you get involved in the first place or continue once it became apparent?

What’s incredibly difficult to deal with in these situations is feeling like you’re being ‘penalised’ with a reason that’s beyond your control while at the same time being made to feel that if you win ‘enough’ of their love, they might see their way to changing their mind and letting you into the ‘winner’s enclosure’.

After an ex told me that he’d treated me poorly because I hadn’t told him how to cope with being in an interracial relationship, with my lack of self-esteem, I believed that he would have treated me better had this ‘issue’ not existed. However, even if I’d bleached myself or actually been white, another issue would have been blamed and it doesn’t change his actions.

I’ve come across many readers that believe that they would have gained love, commitment and better treatment had it not been for the fact that they were older / younger / black / white / too dark / didn’t have an alcoholic father / were a Christian / weren’t a Muslim / came from a wealthy family. If you’re already of the inclination to believe that you’re not good enough or that love is about having the power to change someone, this situation will play to your insecurities.

What many don’t realise is that getting into relationships with people that go against your values and may even need to be kept a secret or may be considered rebelling, is just another form of commitment resistance.

It’s made to sound like the feelings and desire to commit are there, it’s just that circumstances beyond their control are preventing them. While some may be genuine reflections of a person’s values, you have to question someone’s authenticity when they get involved with people that contradict a core value that they claim they’re not going to change but they stay anyway.

If they don’t believe in relationships where there’s a significant age difference, why bother?

If they emphatically believe that they could never be with someone of your race, background etc, why not jog on and save you both the time and energy?

If their kids can’t cope with them being in a relationship and they don’t intend to cope, why hang around for a shag, an ego stroke and a shoulder to lean on?

Often, when you dig into their relationship history, they 1) have ‘form’ and have only been with people who they know they ‘can’t’ commit to, or 2) are only with people they have to keep a secret, or 3) they’re unavailable after being with someone who did reflect their values and are avoiding their feelings and commitment with you – rebound relationship with a Transitional.

It didn’t take long for Katie to discover that her ex is always dating white women that he ‘just can’t see himself with’. I know of someone who only dates black or different religion guys that she can’t bring home to her strict parents.

You can end up feeling like you’re not up to standard while at the same time implying that there’s so much love there that they couldn’t ignore or fight it. “Wow, they must be really crazy about me if they’re prepared to go against their values or risk the wrath of their family/community to be with me!” It’s not real risk if they were never intending to truly follow through on it or they think it’s a ‘managed’ risk – just ask Cheaters.

Our values are tied to our beliefs which really help to shape the choices we make and also what we believe our capabilities are in that context. If you don’t believe in something, no matter how hard you try, until that belief changes along with an adjustment of the values attached to it, you’re never going to be truly ‘in’ and committed to something for it to actually work.

Just like the person that doesn’t believe that relationships work always finds a way for their relationships not to, and the person convinced that they’re not good enough finds reasons to legitimise this belief, people who don’t believe they can be with you, will find a way to keep pressing the exit button and sabotaging your relationship until it dies anyway. You can also never feel truly secure with them – they don’t have your back!

Some of these reasons are legitimate. Religion for example is very important to many and a basic part of relationships is respecting each others values – if you ignore or try to impose your values, you end up incompatible anyway.

People of different races, religions, ages etc get involved all the time – these people believe that they can be who they are and be with the other person because their feelings and how they want to conduct their lives are mutual. Equally, I’ve seen these situations not work out because the feelings may be there but the difference in values couldn’t be overcome – incompatible. Equally people of the same race, religion, age etc have completely different values, so it’s important to see the wood instead of the trees.

When someone says they ‘can’t’ be with you for whatever reason and they’re not looking to co-pilot a relationship with you and find a solution you can both live with, they’re unavailable.

Don’t get confused and think “If they loved me they’d change.” People love all the time and struggle to change smaller things than a major difference in core values. If they don’t figure out who they are, what they want, and ultimately make a decision and commit to it, you’re just being made to wait around while they get to have their cake and eat it and avoid commitment. In the worst instances, you’ll be kept as a back pocket option while they secretly or even openly get involved with someone else.

You don’t want to be someone’s secret or rebellion companion. Just like the person who overestimates their capacity for a relationship, some people overestimate the possibility that they’ll ‘change’. And then just like the many that think that if someone is that great they’ll spontaneously combust into being available or a better person, some people set you up to fail by putting it all on you to galvanise them into changing their values.

When someone says that you’re not the right one for them or that they ‘can’t’ be with you, it means they’re no longer the right one for you. You can’t ignore core values – if it wasn’t that important or it was mutual, it wouldn’t be making a difference.

Go and find a mutual relationship. Not just in feeling, but in intent, commitment, and shared values. And it should go without saying – whatever it is that ‘stops’ them from being with you / being able to commit is a reason but it’s not an excuse for any dodgy treatment of you. Nuff said!

Your thoughts?

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