New book Coming Soon: Get Over Him: How to Lose an Assclown…
September 22, 2008 by NML · 28 Comments
Over the past few months I released a series of ebooks that focused on emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them - Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl. There’s still much ground to cover there but I have also realised that there is a whole lotta ground to cover still.
Ladies, you need to get clued up about assclowns which is any man that displays consistent behaviour that demonstrates that he means you no good and is no good for you and you need to learn how to break up and stop wasting away your lives pining for jackasses who are getting on with their own lives whilst messing up yours.
‘Get Over Him: How To Lose An Assclown…’ (I am still contemplating calling it How To Lose An Assclown in 90 days) is about getting hardcore about these men with a no BS guide to cutting the relationship umbilical cord. These men add little or no value to your life, deplete your self-esteem, often rob your best years (or you willingly hand them to them on a plate), and you’ll often rely on a few (meaningless) good points to keep you emotionally invested in the relationship.
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Reader Question: Is control more important for Mr Unavailable than being with you?
September 19, 2008 by NML · 8 Comments
Astelle, a regular reader of the site commented yesterday “I still believe that for some of these EUM, control is more important to them than actually being with you, I think due to the narcisstic tendencies.
Could you post something about it?
Looking back, my clown is a narcissist, I have no doubt and me chasing him was all about control for him and I have no doubt that in his sick twisted mind he still expects to hear from me.”
Well it is about control for Mr Unavailable’s but much as we may not like to hear it, it is just as much about control for Fallback Girl’s, it’s just that one is more successful at it because one is devoid of empathy and concern with an overinflated ego, and the other is overflowing with the wrong emotions and attitudes due to low self-esteem.
Always remember: Emotional unavailability is not a one way issue. If you are there habitually and you don’t tell these guys to take a run and jump as soon as you note their poor relationship behaviour, you are emotionally unavailable and you have poor relationship habits.
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The No Contact Rule Really Does Work - Reader Success Story
September 18, 2008 by NML · 16 Comments
I’ve always known that No Contact works otherwise I wouldn’t spend so much time writing about it and advising people, but it’s painful, a shock to the emotional system, and brings about so many conflicting feelings, not least because the men that you need to do No Contact with tend to be assclowns that won’t let go and chase harder even though they don’t want you.
But Sheila, a reader who spent a hell of a lot of time on this site commenting and on the forum, who suffered so much angst I’m sure people weren’t sure whether she would ever cut the contact, is over him. It’s taken 6 months, many email exchanges between us, on the wagon, off the wagon, pain, misery suffering, self-doubt, a serious lack of self-love and anxiety, but I got an email from Sheila at the weekend that started like this:
“Just thought I’d check in… Haven’t posted in a while, which only means one thing right.. I’m HEALED!!!”
Sing in an your best opera voices, with birds flocking and the seas parting… HA-LLE-FRICKIN-LUJAH!
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Guest Post: Don’t Envy The “Other” Women Who End Up With Mr Unavailable. It could be karma…
September 17, 2008 by NML · 25 Comments
Annie from The Adventures of Genuine Annie has another insightful post getting us to understand why your Mr Unavailable may choose the next woman…
It is regularly mentioned on this site that if we end up with emotionally unavailable men (E.U.Ms) or what we also call Mr Unavailable’s, it is because we actively choose men that reflect the things that we believe about ourselves.
I have negative and critical self-talk - and I find a EUM who talks negatively and critically to me.
I abandon myself by not having healthy boundaries and very little self-esteem - and I find an EUM who abandons me.
I don’t love myself by knowing I have value and refusing to settle for crumbs - I find an EUM who doesn’t love me or value me and only gives me crumbs.
Mr Unavailable’s find women who show them who they are
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10 Truths You Need to Accept About Breaking Up: Part 2
September 16, 2008 by NML · 8 Comments
Following on from Part 1 yesterday, here on the final 5.
6. You are never going to get all of the answers
This is a female desire more so than a male one but we want an explanation as if expecting that this will satisfy us or even make us feel better and give us closure. Here’s a reality check - no matter what they tell you, you never get all of the answers, you often end up with more questions, and you don’t get closure from him - you give yourself closure - I’ll come back to this later. So our need to discuss and evaluate and ask more, and analyse, and often end up blaming ourselves, is called Prolonging the Agony and Holding On. Will it satisfy you to know whether he enjoyed having sex with the woman behind your back? If he says “I slept with her because you neglected me” will you believe him, or is it likely that you’re just going to question it more? What if you’re greeted with silence? Are you going to tie him to a chair, shine a torch in his face, and torture him until he says something that is in line with your expectations. Trust me, they never say what you expect, and often, they don’t really know why.
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10 Truths You Need to Accept About Breaking Up: Part 1
September 15, 2008 by NML · 22 Comments
1. Break-ups hurt
Take it as a given that you are going to experience some pain. Depending on the length of the relationship, it will at the least be short-term, if not medium-term pain and whilst we all have our different timelines, you’ll know that you’re not dealing with the break-up and the hurt if it becomes a long-term thing. Break-ups are not supposed to be pleasant or easy, yet we often behave like we expect them to be. Most women that I come across through this blog that are struggling with breaking up and letting go, can’t cope with the initial painful feelings, which trigger kneejerk responses where they think it’s a sign that you need to get back together. Which brings me nicely to…
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Relationship advice: I ‘think’ my sister is sleeping with my Mr Unavailable
September 10, 2008 by NML · 8 Comments
Esther asks: I hold my hand up and admit that I am in love with a Mr Unavailable. I want to end things but I keep being drawn back and recently I have come to suspect that he is sleeping with my sister. I know, f*cked up or what?
My sister has always been ‘the beautiful one’ and Miss Popularity and I have had to compete with her in every area and now I suspect that she even wants my guy, even though she knows he’s no good. That’s what makes this so horrible; I have been telling her all of the assclown things he has done to me - not calling, treating me like a f*ck buddy, flirting with my friends and colleagues, disappearing, and even borrowing money from me which he never pays back. I actually dislike him, yet perversely, I’m in love with him, or maybe it’s more that I am in love with the idea of what he could be. When he’s ‘on’, I feel like the centre of his world. I have read enough posts on your blog to know that he’s not likely to change and yet…
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Famous Mr Unavailable’s and Fallback Girls: Sienna Miller
September 3, 2008 by NML · 9 Comments
British actress Sienna Miller, 27, appears to have it all. Fame, revered style, good lucks, and the world at her feet, yet it seems that she is more known for her poor taste in relationships than she is for her acting skills. I can’t say I’m a fan of Sienna Miller but I actually feel for her because as many women who have found themselves on this site can attest to, when you don’t have the right relationship values and decent sense of self, you find yourself looking for love in all the wrong places and being in pretty self-destructive relationships.
Despite what some people may consider as having it all, Sienna likes men with unfinished business, high drama, serious IT factor, and she may believe a little too much in her own hype, something I discussed before when we overestimate the value of the things that don’t matter, causing us to overestimate our superficial value and what we think we bring to a relationship. She uses her charms to draw in guys but struggles to hold onto them, and on some level she recognises how doomed her relationships are. It’s not that it’s her fault she can’t hold onto them but she does mess with men that aren’t going to be held on to by anyone.
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Guest Post: Emotionally Unavailable Men - Understanding the girl after you
August 29, 2008 by NML · 21 Comments
Annie from The Adventures of Genuine Annie shares some great insights into the disconnected world of Mr Unavailable, the relationships he has after you break up, and what they mean about him. It’s a great reminder that we shouldn’t romantisize or envy the relationships we think he has with others.
Meet Alan, sex addict, woman hater.
Married for 20 years, cheated. Girlfriend for 6 years. Cheated.
Stopped snorting coke and drinking. Met a woman who doesn’t do drugs or drink. Continued his obsessive behavior, but this time by being a workaholic.
Married again now for 2 years – doesn’t cheat (so far), but talks about going to whores. His wife knows NOTHING of his past, what he is really like, what his sexual preferences are, nothing. She doesn’t ask questions and he doesn’t tell her.
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Reader Question: What does an emotionally unavailable man do when a relationship ends?
August 27, 2008 by NML · 45 Comments
A Chicago reader asks: “I am wondering how the emotionally unavailable man is after a relationship, how he talks to himself, or if he’s happy, etc. Not for HIM, but just to make myself feel better.”
Interesting question. I’d ask why do you care but we all do what we need to do in order to get by. If you want me to tell you that he’s sitting at home pining for you, wondering what you’re doing, analysing your relationship history, blaming himself, checking his phone messages, or obsessing about you, you’re about to be sorely disappointed. To assume that he is losing his mind over the ‘loss’ of you is to assume that you’re with a normal, connected man.
For a start, Mr Unavailable doesn’t like endings and in actual fact, depending on how your relationship history has played out, is likely to disrespect the ‘ending’ or any boundaries that you have put forth. Read more
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