The truth about Nice Guys

The dating world is a complicated one full of dodgy dates, misconceptions, and pigeon holing galore, and none more so than with the quintessential hard-done-by Mr Nice Guy. But…are ‘Nice Guys’ really that ‘nice’?

Trust me, it’s not because you’re the Nicest Guy On Earth™ why you can’t pick up women – it’s either because you’re barking up the wrong tree, you’re mistaking certain qualities or characteristics for ‘nice’ when they are actually hindrances, or you’re actually just not that nice.

I believe there are four types of ‘Nice Guy’:

Assclowns, Bastards, and Jerks in Nice Guy Clothing

Men have far bigger egos and more self-esteem than women, which means that they often do not see themselves as they really are. Even if they’re cheating, beating, stealing, and generally dishonest, these guys would STILL sit there and tell you what a great guy they are. There are so many forums full of disgruntled men that blame ‘bitches’ that love Bad Boys for everything that’s wrong with their universe who have decided that they’re not playing nice and they’ll sleep with prostitutes from now on…What’s so nice about this?

Quick solution: These men need to get real about who they are and stop fronting. Only then might they actually learn to deal with their assclown selves.

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Stop Giving To Men That Don’t Deserve or Want It

Emotional schooling has meant that many of us spend a lot of time and energy pursuing relationships with the wrong men, or working overtime to keep men that we should actually be letting go of. People hear those special words ‘give’ and ‘take’ and just run with them with a misguided idea that they will solve everything. He’s not being attentive? Give him more attention. He doesn’t want to commit? Give him everything you’ve got and then some. He’s not interested? Give him plenty of your energy as you keep pursuing him.

There are two big areas that will always come back to bite a woman in the ass if they behave in this way with a man who will never want her as much as she wants him – When she showers him with material goods and when she showers him with emotions.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a successful woman and for all intents and purposes, it may seem that you have everything going for you and that men should want you. The danger is that in demonstrating your success, sometimes even compensating for weaker areas in the relationship, you can potentially end up appearing to buy his affections. I get emails from women all the time complaining about how they have been with a guy and they were very generous with gifts and finances and he still cheated/left her/emotionally abused her/wasn’t interested. I think that these women forget that unless they’ve been of a golddiger mentality, it doesn’t feel any better when the roles are reversed and a man tries to buy our affections.

Women who pursue emotionally unavailable men are classic examples of women who have far too much emotion to give to the wrong people. Misguidedly there is a belief that if you show just how much you care that he will realise that you are the right woman and miraculously become available. Trust me when I say that you have more chance of walking on water….

I have spoken to enough men and women on both sides of the situation to know that giving to the wrong person, no matter how good your intentions, is very rarely ‘rewarded’. For the women who give too much, this is the reality: When you keep giving and giving and are always there, despite the fact that he has only one foot in the relationship or doesn’t want what you have to offer, he thinks ‘CAN’T SHE SEE I’M NOT INTERESTED?! CAN’T SHE SEE THAT I’M NOT THE ONE FOR HER? CAN’T SHE TAKE A HINT? WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR HER TO GET THE MESSAGE’. Not really very nice is it?

Yes, these guys could just open up their mouth’s but that would require them to have balls and not fear confrontation… And, let’s be truthful: How many of us have suffered with I’m Hearing Him But I’m Not Listening syndrome? With some women, it doesn’t matter what the guy says, she will still be there as sure as the sky will be above your heads. The type of guy that gets swept up in things because he doesn’t have the guts to bring about the type of conversation that might lead to a confrontation, eventually just ‘succumbs’ to what is happening. The reality is that both parties end up miserable in the end because in a situation like this, neither party is getting what they want.

Charming as it may seem, being the girl who gives everything for her man, regardless, is not a badge of honour. Don’t keep throwing everything plus the kitchen sink at men that don’t deserve you because the reality is that they will NEVER appreciate it and you deserve better.
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10 Traits That Make You a Great Girlfriend

A recent article on iVillage, written by AskMen discusses the traits that make us great girlfriends. I giggled to myself because whilst I don’t doubt that guys wanting these qualities is true, the reality is that wanting and having are two different things for some of these traits and that maybe it’s about time guys learnt how to be a bit more honest about who they are and what they want. Naturally I couldn’t resist giving my take on each of the traits!

10. She’s Independent

“On the other hand, if she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you - while still missing you, of course ‑- then she must be a great girlfriend.”

It’s true that it’s great when a woman is independent in a relationship, but trust me when I say that he doesn’t want her to be too independent. Ideally she shouldn’t want to be going out all the time without him, she shouldn’t have too many male friends and she shouldn’t have female friends who he regards as undesirable because they sleep around (ignoring the fact that they’d fancy them if they were single!). It mentions that she should be financially independent, but I have heard countless guys moan about women that don’t appear to ‘need’ them. As for the crying on the shoulder thing and needing to be babysat, no woman should behave like this, but the damsel in distress is actually a behaviour that seems to appeal to the male psyche because it allows him to be a ‘man’ and come to her rescue. I’m one of those women that doesn’t know how to damsel in distress very well which means that guys assume that I’m hard and don’t need as much attention.

9. She’s Intelligent

This is a double-edged sword. Get with the right guy and he will revel in your intelligence and the fact that on some subjects you know more than him, but the true meaning of ‘She’s Intelligent’ is ‘She’s Intelligent but Not As Intelligent as Me’. No man wants to feel that he has to ‘compete’ and he certainly doesn’t want to feel that his woman is using more brain power than him. Initially they will be turned on by this very intelligent woman but eventually they lose their hard-on and have an affair with the ‘bimbo’ to feel more ‘manly’.

“I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast.” Does it? That must explain why millions of guys have affairs with them, or run off with them and start a new life…

8. She’s Sexual

“For instance, if you’re into S&M and she’s more the “fluffy lingerie” type, that’s a problem. The two of you have to be on the same page ‑- or, at least, she has to be willing to wear leather and use a whip from time to time.”
This is one that in the looser sense of the word is true but what a guy actually means is ‘She’s Sexual but Has Only Been So With Me’. For most guys when they think of how many sexual partners their girlfriend has had, they want that number to be ‘one’ even though it may very well be ten times that number. They love to feel that they are the only one she’s had, the best she’s had and the biggest that she’s had. Men do want women to be sexually adventurous though and not just for the honeymoon period, but forever, which probably isn’t very realistic. They get really frustrated when the woman that used to have her knickers hanging off the lampshade from rampant nights of sex with him, suddenly becomes a ‘nag’ about commitment that’s stopped making the effort. Think of guys as kids that need to be entertained or have their attention focused. Constantly.
The article mentions matching underwear as a bonus. Does this mean that they never wear boxers with holes in the bum or crotch?

7. She’s Beautiful

“A great girlfriend will not only want to look good for you, but also for herself. She should always look her best and be well put together - matching lingerie is a definite plus.”

It’s not saying that women have to be supermodels but that they should be in to their appearances and look good on his arm. The article is keen to stress that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I wonder what they would say if we said that all men needed to be ‘hot’. All of a sudden you get guys bleating on about women not appreciating the ‘average Joe’ or ‘nice’ guys and that we’re shallow. On top of this, women that do take care of themselves and are ‘beautiful’ are often disregarded as hard work and sometimes, stupid. Some guys struggle to comprehend that a beautiful woman has a big paying job at a company. And when some guys have a beautiful woman on their arm, they talk down to them, treat her like a trophy and then accuse her of wanting to get with all of his male friends.

6. She Respect’s You

“Your woman must respect you. This means that she listens to you, even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with what you’re saying.”

Hilarious. Now you know why men always think that they’re right and don’t know how to say sorry.

“A great girlfriend won’t ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will always wait to discuss matters with you in private.”

Carte blanche for the cheeky boys to misbehave. They are so caught up in image because if we ‘cause scenes’ it lets everyone know that he’s not as perfect and wonderful as they make themselves out to be. Brace yourself ladies for looking like you’ve had a serious case of botox because the constant grin for the public façade will be giving you face ache.

5. She lets you be a man

Again, carte blanche to be a pain in the arse. I agree that we probably shouldn’t be pushing our diets on them or making them vain by getting them obsessive over beauty products.

“If she’s a great girlfriend, she’ll even bring you and your buddies a couple of beers and make you some of her famous sandwiches.”

Does this mean that guys will be waiting on our girlfriends hand and foot when we have a girl’s night in? Oh no they won’t because they need to be men. It sounds like a woman needs to be a bit of a ‘Mindful Wife’ in order to let the man feel like master of his domain. I wonder where that leaves us.

4. She’s nagless

“There is nothing worse than a nag! A great girlfriend knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She knows when to speak up and when to let it slide. You don’t want a girlfriend who will give you hell for leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally.”

They must be looking for a mute woman because guys think that as soon as we need to ‘talk’ about certain subjects that we are stepping into mummy zone and nagging at them like teenagers that need to clean their rooms. As for the speaking up at the right moment, who died and put the guys in charge?

It’s clear the perfect girlfriend is someone that doesn’t question his actions, which leaves women in a very odd place.

They do however recognise that there are certain things that men do such as not calling when they go out on an all nighter are not acceptable no matter how great the girlfriend is. Give ‘em the brownie point where it’s due.

3. She gets along with friends and family

“A great girlfriend will not only help your mom in the kitchen, listen to your dad’s stories and hang out with your friends, but she will enjoy it.”

How many times I have heard tales of women not being like by the mum-in-law? How many times have I heard guy’s whinging about having to go around to her parents or hang out with her friends? I’m assuming that this great girlfriend will be oblivious to the proverbial kitchen knife in her back whilst sticking the turkey in his mum’s oven?

Guys want a woman that just gets on with everything and everyone, which is fantastic in an ideal world, which unfortunately we don’t live in. What this article doesn’t mention is that they won’t you to get on with their mates, but not too much if they are male ones. The article suggests that when his brother gets dumped she should suggest a boys night out, and apparently the guys won’t mind that she comes out with them because she’s so wonderful. I do know of women that are like this; however, trust me when I say that he or his friends don’t want you out with them all the time.

2. She loves you

“If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. A woman who doesn’t try to change you is hard to find. Of course, all women have their slightly annoying habits that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she will be able to cope with these.”

Oh how adorable! I actually agree with all of this in theory, however it does appear that when you take everything else that is needed for the great girlfriend, it seems that what makes the relationship great is everything that she’s doing. Quite frankly if anyone actually met all of this criteria and looked hot to trot on his arm whilst at it, I would suggest forensic testing as I would imagine that there are robotic parts in there somewhere. Will he still love you for who YOU are? Will he try not to change you? Can he cope with your ‘slightly’ annoying habits?

1. She makes you want to be a better man

“Stop making that face… any man who has a great girlfriend or wife will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man.”

I sense a little contradiction here. It seems that us ladies trying to get our man to be a better man is not acceptable, however if he does it off his own back it’s acceptable. So it seems that silence from a woman about her partner’s shortcomings will reward her with a man that wants to be better. Or does it leave you with a man that doesn’t know how to clean up after himself, forgets to tell you what time he’s coming back or that he’s off to a strip club, and probably doesn’t have full respect for his girlfriend because she lets him ‘be a man’ instead of cracking the whip?

Guys, you gotta love ‘em!
Read via iVillage

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