Advice: Am I right not to be too quick to commit?

“I left my abusive marriage 5 months ago - we had been together for 11 years in total (I am 29) and he was the only guy I have ever slept with. I feel really positive about leaving him and although it was hard, it’s the best decision I ever made. I met a really lovely guy 2 months after I left my husband and we went on a few dates. He wanted to start a relationship with me but I refused to commit because I wanted to be single for a while and get to know myself again. Also I didn’t want him to be my rebound relationship. We are still in touch as friends which is great. He is a genuine nice guy and we get on so well and are really attracted to each other. I know that if we started a relationship we would be together for a long time so I was concerned that perhaps in the future I might regret not using this time alone and to go out with other guys.

I have been asked out by other men and I feel guilty because although I think I should experience what it’s like going out with other guys, all I can think about is the guy that I’ve already met and if it will ruin our relationship/friendship? Would I be betraying him if I went out with/slept with
someone else?”

NML says: It most definitely wouldn’t be a betrayal of him and I think it’s very important that you give yourself a lot of space and time before you start a new relationship because you have been through a very difficult relationship previously and only have experience of one man, and he was abusive. Not only do you have to be careful of rebounding, but you also need to ensure that you have dealt with your past and that you are free of anything that may put you into a situation where you could be abused again. You are vulnerable and you need the opportunity to be you, free of the shackles of being tied to someone. If this new guy cares about you, he will respect your wishes. I think it is totally understandable that you want to explore who you are and what the dating world has to offer. You have been in a heavy relationship for the prime years of exploration.

Be very careful of emotionally investing yourself too quickly in this guy. Much as you may like him there is a reason why you didn’t feel that you should commit to him and you need to listen to yourself, rather than the insecurity of what may or may not happen if you do what you want to do. I think you deserve to do what feels right for you and to enjoy yourself - you’ve just come out of an abusive relationship - don’t worry about what yet another man thinks.

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7 Tips for Saying ‘I Love You’

Say it without pressure. Don’t do it because you think you have to; say it because you want to. Don’t say it because someone says it to you. Despite common belief, just because the three words get uttered doesn’t mean that you always have to hear the three words back.

Don’t say it because you want to test out how they feel. If you fall into this trap it becomes an insincere declaration that may result in you biting off more than you can chew.

Only say it when you have all of the relationship basics in place. You don’t say these three words when you’re not even sure whether or not you’re their girlfriend!

Don’t say it in the middle of sex. You may have a captive audience but it could make for a very uncomfortable, if not sex halting moment. Also, if the sex is that great, you may not even know your name anymore, nevermind whether you actually love them – you love the sex!

As it’s the first time, choose your moment well. It’s nice for it to be memorable although you don’t need to have a contrived, slushy moment. It’s best not to say it when they’ve just told you that someone has died….

Don’t say it as a response to being broken up with. Even if you do mean it, the other person is likely to feel pressured and you may come across as desperate. If the person is breaking up with you because they didn’t know how you felt, saying the three words may work, but it could still come across as desperate and insincere.

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Defining The Relationship

I talk a lot about ambiguity in relationships, especially with emotionally unavailable men, yet I have mixed views about the Defining The Relationship talk for a number of reasons:

Actions speak louder than words. His words don’t mean jack if he doesn’t back it up with actions. Whether they’re a big damn liar that lack the balls to be honest, or they have bitten off more than they can chew, when someone tells you that you’re in a relationship but then fails to behave like they’re in one, it’s because you’re not.

If a relationship is going well and ticking the boxes for the hallmarks of a good new relationship, you shouldn’t need to have a heavy discussion to define things. If the relationship is going well, you’ll both be eager to declare yourself in a relationship without either of you having to pull teeth. Even if a conversation was had, it would be pleasant.

Often, we are capable of defining things for ourselves without him having to open his mouth. The problem is that many people fail to exercise judgment and when they do, they do nothing with the information or compute it as anything but what it actually is. Much like actions speaking louder than words, we’d have much greater relationship success if we exercised judgment, paid attention to red flags, and followed our guts. If you feel bad in your relationship, you really don’t need him to confirm that for you and likewise, shouldn’t you know when you feel good?

People often try to define things too soon or too late. The jump the gunners and the late starters both make a rod for their own backs. The former are so eager to define things that they don’t even give themselves a chance to get to know the person and determine whether they want what they’re trying to define. The latter goes along with things and inadvertently ends up setting the tone and then decides to close the door after the horse has bolted. What is the point in trying to define things after you have been more than happy to be in a flimsy, ambiguous, relationship for an extended period of time, where he has already figured out that he can do what he likes with you?

Defining the relationship sets boundaries and removes ambiguity but the very act of doing it means that you either end up with a positive result, or you put the cat amongst the pigeons if you get an undesired result. Trust me when I say that defining things isn’t that scary a thing if you have good foundations for your relationship. It’s when you have rocky foundations that things can get out of control. People also forget that ‘defining’ things isn’t just about saying ‘we are exclusive’ ; ’you are my girlfriend/boyfriend’ or ‘I love you’ – It’s actually about being honest about where you are and your intentions. It’s the ‘get out’ moment for both of you.

Because people fear confrontation, they can inadvertently end up making decisions for their partner that they have no business doing. People should be honest about whether they have kids, they are separated, divorcing, married, attached etc but often fail to be, which means that they remove the opportunity for the other party to decide if this is something that they want to be involved in.

Defining the relationship is about honesty and displaying a level of maturity that can often be absent with people that fear the attendant emotions and situations that come along with being with someone and having to share themselves. Remember that relationships can only progress and thrive when both parties have both feet in the relationship, so regardless of what discussions are had about your relationship, check that you both have your feet in first.

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So What is Commitment-Phobia?

Whilst writing my book The Mr Unavailable Guide (working title), I am writing a lot about the issue of commitment-phobia and it’s stranglehold on relationships. I come across so many women (and men) who engage in such self-destructive behaviour and who clearly exhibit a fear of commitment, yet many of these people don’t acknowledge that they have any issues and believe that they are just being dealt a bad hand in relationships, and that they have no control over what’s happening. It’s quite the opposite…

In my book I write:

“If you experience commitment-phobia about relationships, you have disproportionate fears and beliefs that prevent you from being able to fully commit yourself to a relationship. You are essentially afraid of promising or vowing to either be with a person or in a relationship with them. You literally avoid commitment, or sabotage and stall the processes that bring it about.

Unlike other phobia’s where there are clear, obvious signs of distress when confronted with the fear - such as when someone has a phobia of spiders, water, lack of space, people, buttons - you aren’t necessarily going to have an overt reaction when confronted with a man or the possibility of a relationship and freak out, breaking out in a sweat, panic attack, or running for the hills!

Instead, commitment-phobe’s tend to engage in subtle and not so subtle, conscious and subconscious actions that sabotage opportunities, relationships and situations that may place them in the zone of having to realise the fear of committing. Often these actions are in direct conflict with aspirations and desires that are verbally expressed or desired, but as with everything, actions do speak louder than words.

Many commitment-phobe’s are the last of the great pretenders, talking a very good game, making all the right noises and apparently leading lives that appear to be in contradiction with commitment-phobia. They are kings and queens of the quiet agenda. It’s not the domain of resolutely single people though; commitment-phobe’s are dating, in relationships, engaged, married, and in between and seemingly seeking someone. Commitment-phobia doesn’t affect one type of person or situation. It can affect anyone and varies to lesser or greater extents. Most commitment-phobia can be overcome…but only if the commitment-phobe truly wants to.”

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So You’re Ready to Live Together

Cohabitation in any relationship signifies a major jump in commitment. When two people decide to live together, it is obvious that the relationship is strengthening and moving forward. Living together can sound like a fun and practical choice but no matter how you think of it, combining two people’s lives can be a challenge. Even what seems like the simplest of tasks or minor habit can cause conflict in cohabitation bliss.

It’s important to work out the possible snarls as early as possible when moving in together. Who does the dishes, the laundry and walks the dog? Who pays the bills and how? Do we split household costs down the middle or is it according to who makes more money? What do we do with two couches and which one goes?

Before I moved in with my boyfriend, we spent a few nights here and there together. Most of my belongings were in a tiny carrying case which I brought over and stuffed in the corner of the bedroom. Then a few nights together became five nights until we finally were spending every night of the week together.

Before long, we had the “talk” and decided moving in was only natural since I was there every day anyway. Everything was fine until reality set in. I had a whole house full of belongings and so did he. In fact, I had purchased a new bedroom set only six months prior. Things got pretty touchy when the subject of selling my stuff came up. After all, why did I have to sell MY things? After some heavy discussions, it was decided that we would keep my set (mine was newer and fancier) and he would sell his. Let me tell you, we spent several hours on this one topic. Needless to say, it was exhausting.

It is important to realise that there will be compromise and adjustments for both parties involved. Please don’t leave these topics for discussion two days before the big move (like we did). Moving is stressful enough. You should both have a good idea of each others expectations. Sit down in a neutral environment, preferably a quiet restaurant and make a list of all the things that the two of you will have to consider at some point; money, space, personal belongings, household chores, nights out with the guys/girls etc.

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Should You Confront The Other Woman?

I was emailed recently by a reader who wanted to know if she should confront The Other Woman after discovering that her husband had been cheating.

“NML, I feel like my entire life has been shattered. I want to speak to this woman. I want to know why she thinks it’s OK to screw someone else’s husband! Does she have no respect for marriage? I want her to explain herself!”

If you have discovered that your partner or husband is cheating on you, it is devastating, even if you had your suspicions. As you reel from the discovery and no doubt the ensuing revelations, it can be difficult to know whether you should be mad at him, The Other Woman, or both.

If you’ve been cheated on, he has willfully done it. He is not a child lacking control of himself and I doubt that anybody held a gun to his head and told him to take his penis out. The easy option when a man is caught out cheating is for him to blame the other woman, avoid responsibility, and seem like he has been led by a temptress. I don’t doubt that things about her were very tempting but to believe that it’s all down to her charms absolves him of any responsibility and if he has none, what is to stop him from doing it again? He is making himself sound like a spineless, gormless, idiotic, irresponsible twit with no control over himself. The longer he has systematically lied to you and kept up his cheating façade is the more he has deceived you, the more comfortable he was with it, and the bigger a chance he took. He has been having his cake and eating it.

It’s him you’re married/committed to, hence he is the person that owes you the biggest explanation and the only person that can commit to resolving the situation should you decide to keep his cheating ass.

The Other Woman thinks that it’s OK to ‘screw someone else’s husband’ because she believes in the promise of whatever he has offered. It’s not even that she thinks that what she’s doing is ‘OK’ per se, it’s just that time has allowed her to rationalize the situation, his actions, and her actions. Whilst there are women out there that make it their life’s pursuit to be with attached men, I think most of the women allow themselves to believe the hype as it suits their own esteem values.

However, whilst I can appreciate that people get sucked into situations, the reality is that if a woman is sleeping with someone else’s husband, at that time, she is not respecting marriage. It may not be that she has no respect for marriage itself, as she may want a wedding herself, but she doesn’t have any respect for YOUR marriage.

But is there ever a time to confront The Other Woman?

If the other woman is someone you know, or heaven forbid, related to you, then of course you should confront them. It’s not because he is any less responsible but because she has broken and abused your trust. Whilst the temptation is to get medieval on her ass, try to avoid doing anything illegal or anything that diminishes your dignity. She really just isn’t worth it.

And if you don’t know her? I don’t think that there is much to be achieved by confronting her as you are 1) going on hearsay from him, 2) she has her own version of events that she wants to believe in and 3) you are likely to look like the woman that doesn’t want to acknowledge the wrong that her partner/husband has done so you’re blaming her instead.

The Other Woman has failed to regard you as a human being with flaws and feelings, just like her, and she does this because this is her coping mechanism that distances herself from the reality of his situation.

The only reason why you should confront The Other Woman (other than in the situation where you know her personally) is if you actually give a damn what she thinks, and, confronting her gives her far more power than she deserves or needs. She hasn’t abused your trust – she’s just been screwing your man…

At this point you either need to focus on deciding if you relationship is worth saving or how best to turf his arse out. There is no benefit to having a ‘showdown’ because you will only feel good and righteous temporarily, and ultimately, are either one of them worth it?

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Wanting Mr Unavailable’s = Being Miss Unavailable

I’ve been officially single since January 2002. That’s four years and seven months. In that entire span of time, I’ve wanted nothing to do with any kind of relationship. To that end, for a significant portion of that time, I adopted dating as a sport. Trying to fit in as many meaningless dates and anonymous sexual encounters as possible. Tiring of that, I just stopped. Ceased the dating game nearly altogether, only fitting in the odd date here or there. Finally understanding the extent to which I have contributed to the fact that all of the relationships I’ve had have been bad, realising that all of the men I’ve ever chosen have been Mr. Unavailable’s, and accepting that I needed to take a good look inside of myself to figure out why.

Why have I been unfailingly attracted to Mr. Unavailable’s? Because I’ve been a Miss Unavailable.

Often, I’ve wondered about the extent to which my very first relationship has contributed to this phenomenon. Did the fact that my first boyfriend, Vito, shattered my fairytale image of love, forever skew my attitudes about love? But does it really matter? Spending my time and energy playing the blame game isn’t going to solve anything. Because no matter where my commitment-phobia originated, I still have to move forward and figure out how to become a Miss Available. I now know that my conscious and subconscious ideas and attitudes about relationships, about people and about myself have been keeping me a prisoner of the Unavailable Realm.

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Five Reasons Men Leave Women They Love

I get a daily newsletter from Christian Carter at Catch Em and Keep Em (If only getting a life partner was as simple as reeling in a fish…) and I found his latest one rather interesting.

Reason #1: The “Pleasure Principle”

According to Christian, people want to surround themselves with people that they feel good around and generally feel good in their lives. “When you are constantly freaking out on a man for what it is about him that freaks you out, you quickly turn into one of the people that it DOESN’T FEEL GOOD to be around. And this has a huge impact on whether or not he wants to invest more time, effort, and energy in you and your relationship. Or if he will decide to give up on trying to fix what’s going on with you so you can both feel good together.”

Now I do agree that people want to feel good but what escapes Christian Carter is that there are a number of forces and misconceptions at play. Women systematically, date, chase, love, throw themselves at the mercy of men, in spite of the fact that they feel like shit when they are around them. And whilst there are some men in the scenario above, there are also quite a few men that don’t know what to do with the love of a good woman, get freaked out, and run off, turn into stone emotionally, stall on commitment or even shag someone else. Feeling good or The Pleasure Principle for some guys means that they either freak out and run for the hills when it’s good or shag as many people as possible to get as much of The ‘Pleasure’ Principle as possible. Some men just don’t know they’re born, and some women, in fact many women have misguided insecurity that drives their relationship choices which means that they believe that part of loving is not feeling good!

Reason #2: Emotional Experience And The Future

I actually laughed rather loudly when I read this reason which I have published in full. “For a man in a relationship, the ways a woman acts in the “little” situations become indicators of how she’s going to respond when things really are tough and in the future.

So if a woman is consistently negative and emotional… and can’t get herself together even when a man tries to explain things and comfort her… then a man isn’t going to think that things could be any better in the future together.”

So let’s throw something out here: If this is a guy who has a fairly balanced attitude towards communicating and is in touch with his emotions, then I could understand this, but the reality is that there is a wide gap in communication between the sexes, and we both handle emotions and the displaying of them differently and there are also a hell of a lot of emotionally unavailable men out there! Whilst there is some room to agree with this reason, I also ask: what could HE do differently?

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Filed Under: Commitment, Commitment-Phobia, Emotional Unavailability, Love and Relationships
Tagged: Commitment, Commitment-Phobia, Understanding Men

Why Get Married?

August 8, 2006 by Vixen · 2 Comments 

My mother got married when she turned 25. My grandmother when she was 20. However, here I am, way past my mom’s age and not even thinking about marriage. Why is it that couples and singles of our generation are foregoing marriage for cohabitation and long term relationships?

The institution of marriage was always one that was hyped from the moment you realised that boys were cool too. As kids I remember playing dress up and thinking of my wedding day with high hopes of getting hitched in my 20s. However, the closer I get to 30, the more I’m thinking that there isn’t a rush.

With the high and ever increasing divorce rates, marriage doesn’t seem like such a blissful happily ever after state. 50% of marriages now end in divorce. Fifty percent! And that number is still on the rise. No wonder Quarterlifers are scared of the altar.

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Filed Under: Commitment, Love and Relationships
Tagged: Commitment, Marriage/Living Together, Single and Loving It

Marriage Commentary: Airport Awakenings

May 3, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante · 1 Comment 

Lovely flight attendant: “Excuse me. I don’t mean to be nosy, really.” Me: “Haha, you’re not. We don’t mind.” Her: “I was listening to you talk about not wanting to get married and wondering about living together, and I just felt like I had to say something to you. I was in the same situation. I was with someone for 10 years, but I never wanted to get married. I wouldn’t even live with him because I was afraid of what people would think. He just died, and I wish that I had just said to hell with what other people thought.

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Filed Under: Commitment, Love and Relationships
Tagged: Commitment, Marriage/Living Together

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