Erotic Messages
August 10, 2006 by Vixen · 2 Comments
Being a lover of the written word, I have found erotic messages a wonderful & creative activity that adds more zing to one’s love life. It doesn’t have to be anything grandiose like some Shakespeare sonnet, just a few words expressing how your lover makes you feel, that you are thinking about him and that you want him.
Guys are highly imaginative and can read between the lines and create a visual of even the most innocent sentences strung together. A quick text message at work, like “I can’t wait to see you tonight” is enough to have him fantasizing all day about seeing you as well. Of course, it’s always great to add a little spice by telling him all kinds of naughty things, what you are wearing (and sometimes NOT even wearing).
Imagine sitting in a stuffy office getting hassled by your boss and your phone buzzes. Upon checking it, it’s a nice little message from your love telling you that she/he misses you and can’t wait to see you again. It’s amazing how just a sentence like that can revert the whole aura of one’s day.
For those of you more into writing, feel free to express yourself in poetry, an erotic story, description of a dream/fantasy you had or even a love letter. Of course you can never go wrong with a cheesy Hallmark card (think something from the Personal Expressions line). For more ideas, do a web search or try LovingYou.com. It’s one of my favorite romantic sites.
There are so many ways to say I love you that you should always seek the opportunity to do so. Because at the end of the day, that’s really all that matters.
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Honesty In Relationships
July 12, 2006 by NML · Leave a Comment
Talk to anyone who has ever been in relationship and we all have our own interpretation of honesty. Honestly speaking…we don’t live in an ideal world where we can spill every little thought and tell every little thing that has happened to us, but I think that in order for us to progress in our relationships, we must get a better grip on our honesty levels. Many of us worry about being honest about a lovers appearance (Does my arse look fat?) but many of us don’t spend as much time deliberating on whether we should be honest about cheating, interaction with ex’s, in-law’s or about simple things such as whether we have or haven’t done something that we promised to do.
The honesty issue is always illustrated by the divide between the sexes. Men only want to be literal when it suits them to be, and women tend to handle a hell of a lot of things with their emotions. The guy thinks he has a brilliant, rational reason for withholding a nugget of information or just plain lying and often fails to understand why the woman is upset. Please note that I’m not in any way, shape or form implying that it’s only men who are dishonest!
When men lie to women they often proclaim that they did so because they didn’t want to cause upset, they knew how we’d react, or they thought that we’d make a bigger deal out of it than necessary. How is that they have failed to figure out that for most of us, even in the face of hearing something we may not like, we’d prefer that to dishonesty? Also a consistent habit of lying about little things makes the recipient of these lies wonder about the bigger things that may be hidden.
However when women say want honesty in relationships, we may need to learn to be better recipients of information and not freak out and get over emotional no matter how tempting. Sometimes the guy gauges this reaction and then decides that every time he’s honest about certain things this is the reaction he’ll get. Give him the environment to be open and honest and then he has no legitimate reason for being dishonest with you.
On both sides, honesty is as honesty does. The level of honesty you expect in a relationship is what you should be prepared to give to your significant other. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones and all that jazz…..
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Get Real About Being ‘Nice’ in Relationships
June 23, 2006 by NML · 5 Comments
Over on my friend Annie’s blog Smart at Love, she is discussing the behaviour of acting nicer than we feel in relationships. This notion that many people hold that being super nice is something that we have to be in order to nab and keep a partner is actually detrimental to you personally and to any relationship that you’re in. If being super nice is what you genuinely are, then knock yourself out, but if you’re feeling uncomfortable, resentful and unrewarded for your actions then there is very clearly something wrong and you aren’t being yourself.
As I pointed out in Annie’s original post ‘The curse of being too nice’, it’s about being yourself naturally. There are a lot of mixed messages out there about what it takes to be in a relationship and people seem to be obsessed with ‘niceness’. I’m not saying get medieval on your partners arse and become nasty, but real people get pissed off and don’t always like things and sometimes aren’t that nice. If you hear yourself saying how nice you are and how you don’t get x,y, and z back, I call it Those Who Doth Protest Too Much syndrome - you are as Annie says, acting nicer than you feel and when you genuinely are nice and it’s the real you, you don’t go on about it.
Being nice is something that you just ‘do’. The moment that you start to feel negative emotions as a result of all your niceties, you’ve pushed the boat out too much. Any person worth their salt who actually wants to be with YOU, should be prepared to like you when you’re feeling on top of the world and when you feel like sh*t. It’s about being real and nobody can keep up the facade forever without giving themselves an ulcer, a headache and a big well of resentment.
As Annie wisely points out, being real “…means each woman being that REAL blend of the good, the bad, and the ugly that is uniquely her. Unfortunately, if you’re accustomed to using niceness as your “honey” in dating and relationships, and you start letting some of the not-as-nice parts hang out, it can be scary at first.”
As someone who has felt this frustration of this behaviour in the past, I have learnt my lesson. Now I’m me and if they don’t like it, they can take a run and jump. Now go and be bitches! Joking! 
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When You Are Mad At Him
May 15, 2006 by Vixen · 4 Comments
Now eventually, even the nicest, coolest guy is bound to do or say something totally insensitive or annoying. Some women can let things slide easily, however for majority of us, there are certain things that push our buttons. We erupt, explode, see red and pretty much give him hell for whatever it is.
The biggest thing to remember when you are mad is that you shouldn’t fight dirty. Fighting dirty includes name-calling, making fun of, slagging and dissing him/his penis. When you are mad is not the time to remember all the 23 million things that he has done to annoy you but you never told him. Focus on the ONE issue that you are mad about, talk about it and then Let.It.Go. If he’s a smart guy, he should have figured out by now how to unruffle your feathers and get himself back into your good graces.
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Vixen’s Guide to: Catering to Your Man by Listening
Listening is a skill that’s acquired since childhood and yet with maturity it kind of peters out. Listening is a tool that is important and viable for every single human relationship. The construct of every being is that they want someone to listen to them, to hear their complaints, someone that they can vent to, offload problems on, share ideas with, debate opposite points of views and someone to share their day with. Everyone wants to feel like they are being heard.
My parents have been married for over 30 years and each day I’m constantly amazed that my mom can sit and listen to my dad repeat the same story over and over again. Despite the fact that he’s a great storyteller, I know that just hearing the story 394,038 times will make me cross-eyed.
And yet she listens to him, sometimes interjecting and getting him to stick more to the truth and less exaggerations, but always with a pleasant smile on her face.
It should be the same with our guys. Even if we don’t want to listen to him, we have to. It’s what couples do, you listen to him while he offloads, and then you get to rant and rave while he listens to you. Communication is a 2-way street. Sometimes we have to have the forbearance to listen to him tell the story over again. He’s excited about it and giving him the cut direct won’t help foster any warm connections between you two.
I used to date a guy that was a Sci-Fi fanatic. If given the chance he could talk about his passion all day long for the rest of my life and Sci-fi is something that I’m not big on. I remember telling myself to give him just a few minutes on his stand and then gradually steer the conversation on to more neutral waters before I thunked him over the head with my 3 inch stilettos. He finally figured out that he had about 5 good minutes before my eyes started glazing over so he started keeping his responses more direct, less convoluted which in turn helped keep me interested.
Another trick I’ve found out is to actually ask probing questions that get him talking on and on for several minutes. That way, I can actually let my mind wander to the last episode of Sex and the City and yet still have enough time to come back to the conversation and still make sense of it in time for the appropriate response to get him on another tangent.
When listening, you should also remember to maintain eye contact. Rummaging through your purse, using the computer, or doing any other activity while breaking eye contact suggests that you aren’t really interested in what they are saying but are just listening because you don’t have a choice.
I’ve found that I’m more interested in his passions if I do a quick Google search before I see him. Just remembering a few facts, anecdotes or history gets me more interested in the conversation and gives me a better reference point. Not to mention it also makes me sound incredibly well versed;)
Non-verbal cues are also crucial elements to being a good listener. Gestures, touching, facial expressions all add significant points to the conversation. A whimsical or enigmatic smile will lead him to wonder exactly what it is you are thinking and might even take the conversation in other directions.
If you felt like you’ve been listening forever and he still doesn’t want to shut the hell up, nothing works better than a little distraction. Seduce him and he will have his mind elsewhere. A suggestive voice, look, touch, tone will get his heart racing and his blood focused on other regions. This also gets to exercise your assertive boudoir skills.
However, if all of the above fails and he’s still talking about some subject that you aren’t even remotely interested in, then by all means, feel free to end the conversation. Just remember to do it nicely, with finesse and skill. Remind them that they have a game coming up, your mom is on the other line or “I’d really like to keep talking about this honey but I have to make an appointment with my OBGYN” tends to work like a charm in getting them to shut up.
A man’s needs are simple, and a good listener ranks right there on top of the list. So cater to your man, be a good listener.
Vixen is the Deputy Editor of Baggage Reclaim. Visit her blog the Bad Girls Guide.
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More on the BS Meter
March 31, 2006 by Vixen · Leave a Comment
The question of the day: Why can’t men say what they mean and mean what they say?
Answer: Actually they do, it’s just that we are NOT LISTENING.
A guy will let you know the kind of person he is. The red flags start to show from the first date, when little subterfuges and lies send your Sixth Sense screaming. However, most of us project what we want to see and hear onto the guy and keep those rose tinted goggles on.
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Let’s Stop Being Lazy About Communication
March 20, 2006 by NML · Leave a Comment
Recently I ended it with a guy I refer to as The F*ckwit for the primary reason that he was an over opinionated, too self-absorbed to see beyond himself F*ckwit, who lived miles away anyway so it was never going to work. Two weeks went by and I received a text message with a stupid one liner, but it wasn’t the one liner that really wound me up, it was the fact that he used a text message for his form of communication after two weeks of zip all.
It is great that we have access to all of this technology which is supposed to make your life easier, but we need to get over this bad habit of using stylised objects as a substitution for ‘real’ communication.
I appreciate that it’s the year 2006, but back in the day you had a telephone or a letter, which was always a bit dramatic so we really had to either meet up or get on the phone. The longer we avoided contact, the harder it would be to initiate contact, so we were forced to either make contact or cut our losses. We were forced to communicate with each other as we had very little options. Now we have a plethora of options and as humans, we seem to think that text messages, email, Post-It notes etc are the way to go. Instead of getting on the phone and biting the bullet, we bridge the gap with a form of communication that often leaves things wide open to interpretation and creates more problems. These options allow people to make a tentative step which protects their pride…their ego’s….
Text messages, Post-It notes, email have become dangerous tools that remove the emotion out of everything because they put distance between you and the recipient meaning that you don’t have to invest as much energy into it as a phonecall or face to face. People fail to realise that when you are in a relationship with someone, or no longer wish to be, these forms of communication should not be used for important communication as the contents can be left open to interpretation.
We are cowardly and afraid of communication, but we ‘think’ that we are communicating with these lazier options. If I had fallen out with The F*ckwit a day or few ago, I could let it slide, but after two weeks, I’d expect him to have some brass nuts and get on the phone if he felt he had something to say. However, if you are going to rely on these forms of communication, the least you can do is write a decent succinct message.
The next time you go to text message, pick up the phone and use your voice. Text messages are handy for checking in with each other, making arrangements, but they should not be used as the main form of communication when you aren’t around each other. Get on the phone and get closer. Post-It notes are for leaving notes about dry cleaning, not calling an end to relationships. Emails are the laziest form of communication and should be treated like text messages. If you find that you communicate on email with long paragraphs and substitute uncomfortable telephone conversations with misinterpreted emails, step away from the keyboard.
Rant over!
Adapted from my blog, Tired of Men
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The Givers, Or Over-Givers
March 16, 2006 by NML · 3 Comments
When it comes to relationships, we often talk about the whole issue of give and take, but do we know what that really means? I came across my friend who is frustrated as she has realised that she has a pattern of dating guys, who do an act of generosity and then she reciprocates by doing a number of nice things for him. It pretty much continues like this until she gets frustrated and eventually things become doomed. Now there is nothing wrong with giving, but I think not only do men and women have very different ideas of what constitutes acts of giving or kindness, but some of us are natural over-givers.
Over-Givers mean well but at some point, the very act of giving, or what they perceive to be giving becomes exhausting and eventually they become frustrated because they feel like they are in constant giving mode and not receiving anything back. Women tend to give not just with actions or material goods, but with emotional small acts of perceived generosity. Men don’t really twig those small acts because they tend to go with bigger, more tangible actions or material goods. They often expect to get patted on the back for the next 6 months despite the fact that it may just be that he has remembered to take out the bin after you’ve hassled him for ages.
Women note the act of generosity, appreciate it, but that’s it, it’s done and there is only so long you can milk it for. We prefer lots of little things as opposed to one big gesture and it should be sustained, not sporadic.
If you don’t want to find yourself on that road to frustration because you’ve been overdoing it, find out why you feel the need to give so much and cut down the habit or at least address whether your expectations of what you should be receiving are realistic. Sometimes we over-give because of a misplaced sense of our own value and how much we rate peoples expenditure of emotions on us. We work too hard to please and piss ourselves off. And sometimes it’s just a simple case of not knowing when to say no. Ultimately we should be giving without expecting anything in return (I think they call it giving wholeheartedly) but in the real world, we are bound to get frustrated if we think that giving is a one way street.
Also, strange as this may sound…if you’re always giving, when do they get a chance?
If you think you give but don’t receive enough, stop yourself the next time you feel yourself about to give. Imagine if you cut your giving in half and still had the same relationship, but with less work? Sit on your hands, stay quiet, do whatever you need to do, but learn not to feel that you need to validate yourself or how you perceive the relationship on how much you do. As women, we suffer with Women Who Talk Too Much, Women Who Love Too Much and Women Who Give Too Much syndromes – Gosh how exhausting!
Remember that just because someone does something nice for us, it doesn’t mean we have to knee jerk and immediately give back or reciprocate with numerous acts of giving. Let’s hypothetically play a numbers game.
If boy does ONE thing for you and you do, let’s say THREE things back, you are essentially saying that when someone does something nice for you, you have to do THREE times the number of things for you to feel that you have given back. Now imagine if he does TEN things for you over a period of time and you react with your usual flurry of giving, you will do THIRTY things for him. Things can even take on a whole new dimension if the giver of 30 actions was thinking that the least the recipient would do is match their 30! Can you see where I’m headed? Of course you are bound to get frustrated and feel that someone’s doing an awful lot of taking. But remember, for someone to be taking a lot, someone had to be giving a lot in the first place!
When times are difficult, we do have to go above and beyond for the people we love, but in the general day to day life, keep things equal, or at least fairly level and you won’t find yourself frustrated. When it’s early days in the relationship, don’t overdo it because you establish the status quo for the relationship and your output of giving becomes the expected and the norm/ If you feel you have to give, match it with what they did. But remember, it’s not all tit for tat, and sometimes we need to allow each other to do things and just let things be. Say thank you though!
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The Gender Divide: Love & Respect
March 8, 2006 by Special Dark · 1 Comment
My Dad has never really been a part of my life. As matter of fact I’ve only been around him a handful of times in my life, two or three of which I only slightly remember because I was very young.
Anyway, about the time I was going to be enrolled at university my Dad shows up, at the request of my mom, and provided me with my birthright. It was contact information for my grandfather that ended up being the gateway to developing relationships with all the other members of my paternal side of the family. My Dad, in what I suspect is typical fashion, and then proceeded to make grandiose promises of wanting to be in my life. Not only did I strongly suspect they were false, worse still, I think they were motivated out of a still smouldering lust for my Mom. Yuck!
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Sharing the Skeletons in Your Closet
A skeleton is a secret, a past indiscretion, an error in judgement and choices that you have made in the past. Something that you may be ashamed of, but ultimately have learned from.
Everyone has skeletons in the closet. I’m sure off the top of your head you can come up with a few scenarios that you wouldn’t want your significant other to know right away. It’s not that you are lying per se, it’s just that you don’t tell every him or her the minute you meet them your whole life story. After all, you have to maintain your aura of mystique, the charming allure that allows people to want to know more about you.
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