Item Weights Emotionally unavailable 50kg Married with kids 50kg Married 40kg Has a girlfriend 40kg Not over ex 40kg Abusive (emotionally or physically) 40kg Separated for an extensive period of time 40kg Has cheated on you 40kg Has cheated on you more than once 40kg + 10kg for each offence Separated but no divorce proceedings initiated 35kg Has a long distance relationship with someone else 35kg Likes to play the victim 35kg He’s ambiguous about the status of the relationship 30kg Controlling 30kg Nasty and spiteful 30kg Still lives with ex but claims broken up 30kg You’re more of a booty call than a relationship 30kg Has an addiction (drugs, sex, alcohol etc) 30kg Irresponsible 25kg Still ‘active’ on online dating sites 25kg Dating multiple women 25kg He controls when you see him and communicate 25kg He creeps out after sleeping with you 25kg He has several children by several different women 25kg Blows hot and cold 25kg Still keeps in touch with his ex but has lied about it 25kg He doesn’t come around to your place until late 25kg His child’s mother tries to sabotage your relationship 20kg He’s keeping his relationship with you a secret 20kg Displays irrational anger and aggression 20kg Problems with past or childhood 20kg Separated but divorce proceeding 20kg It’s long distance 20kg He doesn’t call when he’s supposed to 15kg Mother hater or Mummy’s Boy 15kg Cautious after break-up 10kg Finds it difficult to express feelings but tries 10kg Has stood you up 10kg When you try to resolve problems he calls you needy 20kg As women we have a tendency to allow much of the wrong things and disallow many of the right things. We’ll allow a guy to be unavailable or mistreat us because he’s got a big dick, money, or because we don’t feel secure enough to tell him to get lost, but we won’t allow a guy past the gates if he’s ‘too nice’, hasn’t got the right hair, job, or doesn’t provide the drama that we’re accustomed to.

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Children are not baggage and you can’t change the fact that you are divorced or have had a messy break-up, but emotional baggage of the unresolved kind is highly unattractive and a surefire way to drag yourself down to a level that can be difficult to climb back from when your self-esteem is walking off down the street in his hand…. It’s easy to think that you don’t have issues when you’re comparing, but t he combination of the types of baggage that we carry can end up being quite explosive and every time we end a relationship with these overloaded Mr Unavailable’s, they leave the gift of some luggage behind for you.

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It doesn’t have to be an absentee father or a ‘bad’ father; it may just be that the significant male figure in our life didn’t express his emotions or made you work hard for his attentions and affections, and for all intents and purposes, he was emotionally unavailable…. Or if he never turns up, you not only fear abandonment by all men, but at the same time you may seek a relationship where you let them have more control, in the hope of finding that intangible feeling of comfort that you have been missing from your father all of your life.

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This is an excerpt from…Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl Book Two. Yes it has been delayed a bit…more on that very soon but here is an excerpt from the chapter ‘Betting on Potential’ - one of the recurrent destructive behaviours that keep Fallback Girls rooted in dubious relationships…

“Potential is something that should be derived from the promise of actual actions that have already occurred, not the blinkered fairy tale in your head. Potential is about the potential of the relationship, NOT the potential of what the guy could be if only x, y, and z were to occur. Here is the difference:

You should see potential in a relationship that has the positive hallmarks of a relationship with direction. This normally occurs because both parties are getting to know each other, there is consistency, there is no ambiguity, there is communication of feelings, and both parties have both their feet in the relationship.

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The hardcore No Contact Rule is really the ideal way to extricate yourself from men that don’t want to break and just bring a whole load of drama to the table, but for some of you…breaking up is hard to do, even when you say it’s what you want to do…. If you are sure but you know that it’s not going to be easy to do whether it’s because you know you’ll be suckered in, there are things to sort out (could be financial for instance), or because he’s a persistent bugger that will up the ante when you cut him off, the Get Out Plan can help you.

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Tell another colleague…or pretend you have I don’t mean go to a manager but the more people that know that you were involved and that now you aren’t, the less opportunity he has to operate under a veil of secrecy and the more likely he is to come under scrutiny. These guys don’t like people knowing their business, not only because their Mr Wonderful image gets dented but also because they can’t try it on with another woman in the office if the word is out about him.

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I’ve written about red flags before, but I wanted to cover the subject especially in the context of drama seeking and helping you recognise inappropriate, abort mission, sprint in the opposite direction, take off the Rose Tinted Glasses and the Bruised Ego Fur coat.

A red flag is a signal in the other parties behaviour or about the relationship which flags a serious problem in the relationship, whether that is straight away or further down the line.

It is likely that a red flag will deal a fatal blow to your relationship - It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but soon, although many women continue with the relationship regardless, because they have travelled too far down the road and are heavily emotionally invested, or just plain scared of walking away. Or the sex is too good…

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I have decided to take a typical 12 step AA programme and create a drama reduction one.

1. We admit that we are Drama Seekers - that our relationships and sense of self have become unmanageable.

2. We are in charge of ourselves and our relationships. Drama can be as big or as little as we want it to be. The choice to engage is our choice alone.

3. We have come to believe that there is a greater power than drama or an assclown - that is ourselves. We will restore ourselves to sanity and take charge of our experiences.

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Brad K explains how in essence, drama reduces communication in a relationship and essentially, are you both happy and are you good for each other?

Is he as happy as he was when you met? Is he as content, as secure emotionally? Are you?

The people around us should improve, if we are good for them. We should be enabling them to grow, to be secure and happy, to be of service to themselves and others.

When the drama builds, when the relationship doesn’t seem to be going anywhere ask “Am I getting more secure, more content, more sure of myself?” If the answer is “Yes!” then give the guy a hug, and skip this message.

So I assume there is a problem. Ideally, each day, each encounter with a significant other, should add another layer of trust, respect, of contentment. I won’t say much about ‘in a rut’ or ‘we aren’t growing’, since so many cosmetic companies, magazines, books, and professionals make a living shamelessly convincing ordinary, happy people that their lives are incomplete without *their* wonder product or advice. So being unhappy about being *just* content is a valid complaint, sometimes, but more often a problem is invented to sell a product. It gets difficult to separate the problems from the marketing debris.

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Lisa Q writes…

Just yesterday my good friend decided that the drama that was her relationship had to end. Drama dude not only lived with her without paying rent, he also stole money from her 7-year-old son. He wouldn’t know the truth if it smacked him in the face and has been cheating via phone sex with a girl he met online in another state. She called me in the morning to tell me it was time. I went to help pack his crap and to provide moral support

Now, I have to give the girl credit. She had her stuff lined out. She had a friend coming over with new locks and another friend’s hubby coming to install them. But here was the drama kids. Drama dude was asleep upstairs while we were packing him up and changing locks! Can you say awkward and weird?

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