The Space Race: Selfish Single
February 21, 2006 by NML · Leave a Comment
When you’re single, space is something that you tend to have a lot of. There’s lots of space to spread out in the bed, your home is your domain and your social calendar is yours to do what you like with. This for me is a major positive for being single, but when you are thinking about someone to snuggle up to on cold, lonely nights and to ultimately share a life with, these things can seem more ‘negative’. So why is it that I have a man in my life and I’m behaving like a prima donna, or what I shall refer to from now as Selfish Single?
Selfish Single’s are people that have gotten very used to being single, and find it difficult to let go of habits that have been formed during this period. They aren’t selfish in the general sense, they just don’t know how to let someone into their life without suddenly feeling a desperate urge to cling to their independence. Opportunities are seen as threats to their lifestyle and sometimes this behaviour can also be down to fear of committing, fear of letting someone in, only for it all to go pear-shaped. Often though, the Selfish Single does actually want to be have a partner, they just don’t know how to adjust to the change.
I used to be able to commit with a click of the fingers (not something to be proud of by the way) and had a steady stream of boyfriends from thirteen to almost twenty-six, but now I seem to be engaging in a power struggle with myself and my patient Man of the Moment. It really isn’t him, it’s me. I have become a Selfish Single that likes things MY way and I have become very used to not really having to be accountable to anyone, to not sharing my life and certainly not giving a second thought to anyone else’s plans.
I am so petty that when he put his iPod in my treasured iPod speakers, I felt territorial for a couple of minutes as his music blared into my apartment. Now I got over it really quickly, but in those couple of minutes, I froze and it felt like some sort of invasion of the fuzzy warmth of the life I have cultivated for myself. I know I’m not alone in feeling like this. I spoke with a friend who had her guy stay over and found herself itching to get him out the door the following morning. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I like the guy, but Saturday is when I do certain things and I just needed him to get going!’
Last year when I was dating one particular guy, I had just started at my local gym and was going through a very typical phase of wanting to be at the gym almost every day. When he stayed over and didn’t have to head off to anywhere, we chilled out at mine and stayed in bed for most of the day. Do you have any idea how many times I wondered about the gym class I was missing and the laundry and groceries that I hadn’t done? I had to give myself a pinch and tell myself to get a bloody grip! I’ll be honest, I have become so used to being absorbed in my life, that I have worried about what would happen to my blog or how I would factor in this website if I were to be in a serious relationship! (I have my arse facing out for the slaps that are no doubt being sent in my direction!)
I’ve mentioned several times recently that it’s no coincidence that I went from the woman who couldn’t stop committing to the woman who doesn’t commit. I have spent the best part of three years living by myself and whilst I have had love interests, it’s been me, me, me, it’s all about me. It’s felt good like that, but of course I would like to be with someone and I do like this guy.
As a Selfish Single, I am slowly adjusting to their being somebody else to think about and it doesn’t feel bad at all. To be fair, it helps that he works away during the week as I can break myself in gently and I don’t end up in something heavy too quickly. I look around at my friends and at people in general and I see how they suddenly forget to have a level of independence, and it makes me nervous. I’ve been in relationships like that before, and they’re not for me. I think it’s great to be part of a partnership but to maintain your individuality and your personality. It can be done!
Whoever it is that I end up in a long term relationship with, and potentially marrying one day, is the icing on the cake, not a the filler to a hole in my life. I think the reason I’ve slid into Selfish Single territory is because I have a full, happy life and I am genuinely happy with myself. I’m not Renee Zellwegger in Jerry Maguire because it will never turn me on to complete somebody as it implies that you’ve spent all the time before their existence incomplete, lacking.
Selfish Single is something that shouldn’t get out of hand, but it is positive because it shows that you’re happy with your life to a great extent. The key is being able to let go and embrace the great things that someone else can add to your life, not take away from it. Of course things change when you’re in a relationship, but if you’re in the right relationship environment, you don’t have to throw away your independence or forget about the things that are important to you because this person is adding to and complimenting your life, making it even more fabulous. Just don’t turn into one of those Cling-On’s or Relationship Siamese Twins! It’s all about balance!
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Waking Up From the Longest One Night Stand in the World
Have you ever woken up from the ‘daze’ and thought ‘What the f*ck am I doing here?’ in a relationship? It’s like waking up from the longest one night stand in the world and seeing your knickers hanging off the lampshade and the beer goggles have vanished.
Four years ago today, I went out to dinner with my then boyfriend to the Thai restaurant where we had our first date. After the meal he proposed and for the next fifteen months, I was a member of the fiancé club. He made a complete production out of the proposal and being a typical man that thinks he needs to be rewarded for any slight exertion caused by making an effort and having to use a body part that doesn’t involve his penis, he had to be patted on the back for ages about how wonderful he was, and he kept telling me how grateful I should be because he got down on bended knee on Valentine’s day.
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Wake Up Ladies: We’re Not Fighting a War!
February 7, 2006 by NML · Leave a Comment
I talk a lot about guys, whether it’s ex’s, wannabe boyfriends or just men in general, and this week I’m switching the focus to the ladies. I’m lucky that I have a good circle of friends both here in London and where I was brought up, Dublin, Ireland. Some people I’ve been friends with for over eighteen years and in that whole time, I’ve probably only fallen out with about three people.
I cherish my female friendships and quite frankly, I don’t know what I would have done without them at times. My family are great but my friends give me a very different type of support that is irreplaceable and that is difficult for me to comprehend that other women would forgo. Yet I witness women all the time proverbially scratching each others eyes out and if I wasn’t mistaken, I would almost believe that we were fighting a war that most of us pretend isn’t happening.
The type of women that scare me are the ones that tell you what a brilliant friend they are and try to ram it down your throat with ‘Those who doth protest too much syndrome’, women that hate women and are only friends with guys, women that will do ANYTHING in the name of dick, and women that still think they’re at high school.
The ‘I’m the greatest friend on earth friend’ scares me almost as much as the guy that says ‘I’m a nice guy, I’m a NICE guy, I’m a NICE GUY’. Both very clearly have no idea what the hell either of these things and spend so much time telling people about it, as if saying it often enough will make it so. I tend to find that women who won’t shut up about what a wonderful friend they are, tend to be very much the opposite. They total up everything they’ve done and remind the poor woman on the receiving end of it about how much they think they’ve done. They often proclaim friendship when they don’t actually know the person very well at all and they are an exhausting type of friend to have that requires far too much maintenance.
Women that hate women crack me up. Some have very real trust issues that make it hard for them to forge female friendships, and they in retaliation to the women that they dislike so much, harbour lots of male friends, act like men, and are often alpha women in the office. They truly do believe that they need to grow balls to survive in a man’s world and scorn women that don’t operate the same way that they do because they represent everything that they think is weak about our gender. Some women have had some bad experiences with women making them feel that women are difficult to trust and to be fair, when you read about these four types of women in this article, who can blame them? However, I’ve had a several dubious relationships with men but I’m not about to start licking on both sides…. And there of course are the women that don’t have any real issue that has triggered their disregard of women, they just think that another women in their midst is an obstacle to dick.
Which brings me very nicely into Cockaholics, women that will do anything in the name of dick. These women are the scariest sort and God help any of you that cross their path. They will take off their earrings before they yank out yours and drag you by the hair. They’re the type of women that when they find out that their man is screwing someone else, they beat HER ass and take HIM back. They stab so-called friends in the back so that they can clear a path for themselves (Cockblocking minus the cock) and think nothing of calling their friends and women they don’t know whores, bitches, skanks, and ho’s with the caveat, ‘Yeah but you know I care about her really. But she is a ho…’ Everything is off limits for this type of woman and she will do anything to secure the man that she wants, with no regard for her friends. These women do hate other women to a certain extent, but it’s not because it’s a man’s world, it’s just because she wants a man in her vagina at any cost.
‘Yeah, but no, but yeah’ or ‘Like, Oh my God!’ women are like nails down a chalkboard, but not a patch on Cockaholics. They just haven’t managed to let go of the high school mentality and grow into fully fledged adults. They hang in cliques round the work cubicles which is their adult lockers, or at the tennis club or whatever their location of choice is, sniping at each others appearances and partners behind each others backs, but hugging and grinning face to face. Their friendships are very reminiscent of the type of friendships you have as a kid, and their ‘best friend’ changes all the time and they treat their female friends like property. One of them is probably sleeping with one of the groups men and has little conscience about it. They thrive on attempting to make other women insecure and no doubt make some people’s childhood nightmares and insecurities return. These are the type of women that turn up on reunion shows on Ricky Lake or Trisha Goddard, unrepentant about the poor woman’s life that they made a misery, despite her having spent a fortune on plastic surgery to get over her trauma of being bullied by women like this.
If anything about your own behaviour felt familiar whilst reading this, you don’t know where I live and I dare you to try and pull out my earrings! On a serious note though, the level of hate between women and the backstabbing is SAD and futile. We don’t have to be friends with everyone, but we don’t have to carry on as if we’re fighting a world war. Chasing dick at the expense of everything else is a futile exercise that will very rarely pay out the dividends that you expect. There is such a thing as karma and if you are a woman treating someone in any of these ways, there will be a whole lot of karma out there waiting to bite you in the arse.
Women can be a source of support as opposed to the enemy to destroy. Can’t we all just be friends? Probably not, but we could stop being bitches to each other and stop putting dick before common sense!
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim.
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Guys for Laughs
I’ve had a few moments recently where I’ve caught myself and wondered if I have turned my dating life (and sometimes the lack of it) into an entertainment piece for my smug attached and married friends. Today I got a text from a close friend telling me that she couldn’t wait to hear my ‘stories’ and knowing how it normally goes, this means my funny guy stories. They mean well, and to be fair, I’ve given them more than enough fodder over the years, but when did I become the clown to roll in for entertainment on an evening out?
I don’t think I ever made a conscious decision to make light of it all and I think some of my exes would keel over if they knew how much I’ve taken the piss out of them but I think my general tendency to make a joke of it is my defence mechanism. If you don’t let something bother you and make them the object of entertainment, I guess things don’t hit you on any deep level.
It’s strange and funny to admit, but there have been a few occasions when I’ve thought, ‘Wait till I write about this on the Baggage Reclaim!’
I think my friends hold me up as the pillar of singledom and for them, I probably represent everything that’s fun about being single, but on the flip side, it all represents an insecure existence that they’d rather not participate in. They’d rather watch from afar, get the laughs, and then run home and snuggle under the covers with their significant other, clinging a little tighter than usual.
Am I purposefully choosing guys that end up nearly making me or someone else wet themselves laughing? That would be a resounding ‘NO!’ but for whatever reason, my dating life is often pure comedy. It’s not my fault that the night that a guy goes out with me and decides that eau de natural (B.O) is the scent of choice, or that they should question me as if it’s a job interview and then proceed to analyse the date in front of me, or that the babymama that he failed to mention should turn up and start cussing me Jerry Springer style, nor the time when I bumped into the ex fiancé dressed in varying shades of brown from head to foot, looking like a lump of poo.
There was the Bee Gees style dancer who couldn’t help mentioning threesomes every three minutes, the one that couldn’t keep his mouth shut (literally gaping and catching flies), or the guy that said the dirtiest things that I have ever heard on our very first date. I most particularly can’t forget the guy that acted shy, retired and unassertive for all of our dates, then I invited him back for dinner and he suddenly developed overexcited teenager syndrome and couldn’t keep his willy in check!
Not one of the guys I have met or dated has ever displayed when I first meet them, what eventually has been their demise and made me laugh so hard. The funny thing is that these guys ego’s (read:penises) haven’t even registered how entertaining they are and they’d be bewildered if I spelt it out for them.
So I guess the reason why I’m the ‘clown’ is because I made myself the clown. There will come a time when I won’t be any longer and there will be a steady guy that has made it past the first few dates by not doing any of the above. When this happens, my friends had better watch out, because I won’t have so much to say anymore and they’ll have to find a new ‘act’. Hopefully they won’t expect me to relive the past through re-runs with ‘Go on! Tell us about that twat of a fella that couldn’t keep his willy to himself!’
You’ll know when I really like someone, as I won’t be able to take the piss so much. Until then, I’m laughing all the way!
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim. She also has her blog Tired of Men
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We’re Hearing But We’re Not Listening: Turn On the BS Meter
January 17, 2006 by NML · Leave a Comment
It’s a new year, new start, bla, bla, bla, yet what I have been hearing about is the demise of many relationships and when I hear the stories, much as I think the guy is a dickhead, I’m inclined to think the woman needs her head testing. What is becoming very clear is that we are prepared to listen to complete shite in our quest to maintain status and be in a relationship. We don’t ask enough questions and we’re hearing, but we’re not listening. Wake up and smell the coffee ladies. A man can only get away with what he’s allowed to do. If we listen to BS, they do BS.
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New Year: Grab Life By The Nuts
I have been loathe to make any New Year’s Resolutions because quite frankly, I will forget within a matter of days, if not hours, what my good intentions were. The start of the New Year always causes one horrifying moment for me. Without fail, I get into a discussion about the forthcoming year, I end up clapping my hand over my mouth and going, ‘Oh f*ck! I’m 29 this year!’ or whatever the impending age has been in previous years. Within days, my mum gets on the phone and says, ‘Oh feck! I’m 49 this year! Will you be paying to get those stretch marks that you gave me removed this year then?’
Naturally there is plenty of talk about settling down. If it’s not the not so subtle questions from my nosey family, then it’s single friends proclaiming that this is the year when they want to get a man/get married/have a baby and some even want all in one go. The frightening thing is that every year, quite a few women I know make a lot of the same noises and the following year rings in with very little change. Is life zooming by or have we become complacent about our love lives?
We’re not supposed to be beating down doors looking for love as I do believe that the harder we look, the harder it is to meet someone, however, you have to be in it to win it. If you don’t put yourself out there, which means forsaking a night in with the TV and some ice-cream, you don’t give yourself the best possible opportunity to meet more people.
I’m not suggesting that you be the welcome wagon for every guy in town, but make an effort to go out to places where you can meet new people. You just never know who is out there and smile for God’s sake, it won’t kill you!
As for the people who already have someone, there is a harsh reality that has to be confronted if you have become immobilised by the inactivity in the status of your relationship. If you’re looking to be in a more committed relationship, which can mean buying a home together, having a baby, getting married, you don’t get these things from a guy who is unwilling to play ball or even meet you half way. I’m not suggesting that you run upstairs and start chucking all of his stuff into a suitcase, but if you want your life to change, you may have to cut the fat in some areas. I.e. Your significant other. Have some serious conversations where you both get to lay your cards on the table, establish whether your expectations are realistic, and make the decision that is best for you.
The key to 2006, I reckon, is putting yourself first and foremost. This doesn’t make you selfish; it makes you equipped to take care of and nurture those around you, because you’ve taken care of No. 1. I’m a bit of a list person (I forget to look at them once they’re written) but take a sheet of paper and list every little thing that you would like to. Think short, medium and long term. Now even if you don’t look at this sheet for ages or ever again, it is fabulous for giving you clarity and giving you the opportunity to mobilise yourself.
Life isn’t zooming by too quickly, we just need to grab it by the nuts!
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim
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Chasing the Bad Boy: Do women thrive on drama?
When we were little girls, playing with our Barbies/Cindy’s, Action Men or even guns….I don’t think any of us looked up with our innocent little eyes and said, “Mummy, when I grow up, I want to go out with a bad boy”, yet oddly enough, many a woman has dedicated herself to the task of chasing and attempting to tame bad boys with more ferocity than they dedicate to their careers.
The frightening thing is that women chase men that treat them mean and keep them keen, get hurt, but still won’t try a ‘nice’ guy. When they do, the ‘nice’ guy spends a lot of time working on and attempting to repair the damage created by her experiences with ‘bad’ guys. The women that chase the bad guy often penalise the future partners for the bad choices that they’ve made in the past.
Time and time again we witness women that appear to love to be treated badly and it’s bewildering. How is it that some women have managed to be conditioned that love comes in the form of a man that struggles to be good to her in any way, shape or form? Is it possible that we have watched so many movies, read so many books, been impressionable so young, that we have become convinced that there must be a shitload of drama for it to constitute the big love and if there isn’t sparks flying and fireworks shooting out of our bums when we get with a guy, then it can’t be meant to be?
The reason why women chase bad boys is because of the thrill of the chase, the occasional hints of a better character, and the twisted notion that these guys are ‘men’.
As soon as we got old enough to put on trainer bras and put lipstick on behind our parents backs, we rarely paid attention to the guy that was ardently showing his feelings for us, and instead lusted after the elusive guy that every other girl at school wanted. These guys were often built up on a jumped up history where they drank, smoked, were a key player on the sports team (the cool ones), seemed daring, and often had a car to boot. Just as there was a massive thrill to this guy bestowing you with his attention and dating you making you the coolest girl at school, there was a massive thrill to not only getting his attention, but even when you were rejected by him, after all of the tears, we jumped back in the saddle and continued the chase of the bad boys. I think that we were often having an internal contest with ourselves and our peers where we’d ‘show them’ and prove that we could pull a bad boy too. Some of us got wiser after leaving school, others have translated their behaviour into the big wide world where bad boys are ten a penny.
These bad boys can manage to be nice to these women and give them just enough attention to keep them hanging on. The attention may come in the form of sex, gifts, taking them out from time to time, but then they disappear leaving the woman confused. There are bad boys who make the woman the legitimate girlfriend, but their behaviour makes it clear that they have other interests. Sometimes they’re blatant and tell the woman that they are sleeping with other people, often they don’t but his behaviour is a dead giveaway. There are some that have an emotional control over their women and others have gone into very dubious territory with a physical control. Whatever it is that these guys are doing, the women in their lives see something in the behaviour which they take as a sign that they can be the ones to make him be different, they can be the ones to tame him, if only they can do x, y and z.
There is this weird notion that guys seem like more of a man when they treat you like shit. If a guy is really nice, women discard him into the friend pile with the word ‘nice’ cropping up repeatedly. He’s also often completely disregarded as boring and some women will wonder if he’s gay because he’s being so nice. It seems that a guy can be ‘nice’ but not nice to us in a relationship capacity. If we have to work for his attention constantly and we’re never really quite sure of how he feels about us, we want him. It’s as if we have an in-built mechanism where the attraction seems to kick in when they guy is elusive, misbehaves, or just has a general disregard for us. All of this translates to exciting. The ‘nice’ guy is made to feel inferior for having good intentions and the manners and respect he was raised with.
We need to let go of this idea that we can fix and change these bad guys and get some self esteem. It is frightening to think that we would take a guy walking all over us and treating us like shit any day over a man that wants to be nice to us. How much fun can be had with a guy that won’t communicate with us properly, that you suspect is dallying with other women, that disappears for periods of time without explanation or even has the cheek to raise his hand to you? We do thrive on drama but I think we need to adjust the setting and switch our focus to building relationships with men that want to love us properly. If we changed our attitudes and addressed our individual fascinations with men that mistreat us, I think that we’d find that our eyes would open up to guys that aren’t creating a load of drama to keep us in their lives.
Lust, big willies, dependency, and even a misguided need to prove to yourself that you can nab him are just some of the reasons why a woman will keep chasing the drama, but these are not the foundations of solid relationships. It’s no wonder relationships fail, marriages fail because the very basis of our relationships are built on jacked up values. Spend some time getting to know a person properly and build a relationship from there. Try the friends first route and opt out of this soap-opera BS that we’ve been buying into. I think you’ll find that life will take on a whole new perspective.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim
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Exhale, Embrace, Enjoy!
December 28, 2005 by NML · 3 Comments
It’s that time of year when you tend to spend a lot of time around your family or catch up with various friends that you haven’t seen for a while and it’s a times like this when you reflect on the past in between stuffing your face with mince pies. I’m generally a positive, happy person although I do have my off days, weeks and even the occasional month. However, I do seem to have a limited capacity for dwelling on things. I wonder if it’s because I’m forgetful or if I am numb to some things, but I think it’s partly because I must be an eternal optimist. I live with what can sometimes be a debilitating disease (sarcoidosis) but I try to live my life as normally as possible because if I don’t, and I give in to the bloody thing, God knows what would happen to me!
I admire people’s capacity to date, fall in love/develop feelings, get knocked down and jump back in the saddle as much as I admire people who get into much deeper relationships that last for years and sometimes where marriage or children are involved and for whatever reason things don’t work out, yet many eventually do get back in the saddle. We feel a lot of pain to make our ‘gains’, yet we keep trying. Do we keep trying because society, our peers, our family make us feel that we have to try, or do we try because of our own internal pressures, or do we try just because we try?
One morning two and a half years ago, after an extended period of disagreement and monumental jackass behaviour, I woke up, went for a walk (I’m so not a walking person unless it involves shopping) and I gained more clarity in that hour than I had for a couple of years. A few hours later I had packed up what I could manage into my friends car, made the difficult phone call and walked away, or should I say we drove away from my engagement and so called ‘perfect’ life. If I dig deep and asked myself what upset me the most about the break-up, it was about the loss of plans, the enormity of the changes to my future, the explanations and what felt like the hideous uncertainty.
One minute you share a home, you’ve got a ring on your finger and the countless things that you’ve talked about but haven’t taken place yet. Next thing, it’s gone because of a decision, a thought process, a realisation. Of course everything seemed hideously uncertain! I go on dates that are so ridiculous I think I’ve been set up by a hidden camera show, but it doesn’t stop me from saying yes the next time I want to go on a date with someone.
Living single can be and should be great fun and is far from being the awful thing that some people believe it to be, but that uncertainty can make us feel scared sometimes and we forget about the good things in life. Sometimes we just have to take a chance on ourselves, on our optimism and just go with it, embrace it, and go with the flow. We can reflect, we make plans, promises or whatever, but sometimes you need to stop fighting the inner voices that say ‘Coulda, woulda, shoulda’, or ‘I can’t/I won’t/I wouldn’t’ or ‘Maybe this/Maybe that’ and just exhale, embrace and enjoy. Looking back all the time is for people with a bad crick in their neck and unless you want to keep yourself firmly in the past, I suggest you turn around and face your future and enjoy the present.
Exhale, embrace, and enjoy.
Enjoy the season and happy New Year.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim and is enjoying a lovely Christmas with her nutty family.
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Jump Off the Merry-Go-Round & Say NO to Relationship Crack
December 20, 2005 by NML · Leave a Comment
When I was a kid, my parents took me to various fairs and amusement parks. I think they would have preferred if I went on the kiddie rides like the teacups and the merry-go-round, but I always wanted to go on the biggest, wildest rides, like the rollercoasters and the pirate ships. I surprised myself though recently by realising that when it comes to my love life (or lack of it at the moment), it is one big bloody merry-go-round. I didn’t ask to go on the merry-go-round and I’m wondering: When is it going to stop or how the hell do I jump off this thing?
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Patterns
This article which launches my weekly column, is an extension of my blog Tired of Men. This week I’m looking at a recurrent theme in my life, but also in those of the readers of this site. Patterns. Not the knitting sort, but the type you can’t shake off like an overexhuberant admirer who keeps rubbing his willy on your leg!
They say that in order to know where you’re going to, you need to know where you’re coming from, but how far do we need to look back and when does it become too much?
Well the past may not be something we like to revisit, but we can learn a hell of a lot from it.
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