Understanding the The Cheater
July 22, 2008 by NML · 9 Comments
In this excerpt from new eBook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I give an insight into what is running through the mind of The Cheater, the man who likes to have his cake and eat it too, whilst lying on it and promising the world….
The Mr Unavailable that cheats is a special breed. This guy has made it down the aisle or appears to be in some form of committed relationship (or at least his partner thinks so!). But this doesn’t make him any less emotionally unavailable.
The mistake that the Other Woman makes with these men is assuming that because these men appear to be committed to someone else, that these are the type of men that commit, and that they’ll eventually commit to her.
It is possible for Mr Unavailable’s to be in relationships or even married. It doesn’t change who they are, it’s just that for whatever reason they have chosen to take the plunge. It could be through fear, it could be through a desperate urge to keep that one woman who wouldn’t tolerate his behaviour and made him jump through hoops, or he could even have found himself trapped. It could be for any number of reasons but for whatever reason, he hasn’t changed, or if he did, he has now reverted back to his old self. It is not a victory to get an emotionally unavailable man down the aisle. If he’s not married but is cheating, it’s very possible that the woman that he’s in a relationship with is clutching at straws with him too. The reality is that there are a lot of people out there who are prepared to believe that they are in a committed relationship, even when they aren’t. If you’re reading this book, you are one of them!
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Overestimating Yourself:The Consequence of Change vs Inertia in Dating and Relationships
July 21, 2008 by NML · 9 Comments
I’ve just been over visiting some of my favourite peeps HoneyandLance and Honey has written a brilliant post called People are Inherently Lazy: Or, Why We Over-Rank Ourselves, which was actually in response to a post by dating expert Evan Marc Katz called Do You Overestimate Yourself? Both of their posts were in response to a recent post on the Freakonomics Bulletin (Freakonomics is one of my favourite books) about people’s tendencies to seriously overestimate themselves.
Which got me thinking of course about Baggage Reclaim readers and the various problems that you come up against, particularly Mr Unavailable’s. In my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I repeatedly talk about value and the correlation between that, your self-esteem, and why you will find yourself knock, knock, knocking at assclown door…again and again.
There was a standout line in this standout post:
“So we’re willing to put what might seem to be a disproportionate amount of effort into convincing ourselves and the world that we’re great, because we’d have to put far more work into actually becoming great.”
This is the whole Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl problem. Change seems far more scary than sticking in a bad situation so Fallback Girl’s put a disproportionate amount of effort into their relationships so that they can convince these men of their greatness.
I think on the whole, whilst it is good to be aware of your fabulousness and place a good value on yourself, we, as women need to be aware that we often place too much value in the wrong things, and not enough in the right things.
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Reader Opinions Needed: Is rape still rape within marriage?
July 21, 2008 by NML · 5 Comments
I have been asked to comment on an article about rape within marriage, which I know is a bit of a leap from our usual posts on emotionally unavailable men and dating woes, and I wanted to find out what your views are on the subject.
I’m sure mine are obvious; rape is rape whether I see a ring on my finger or not. It’s a horrendously, violating act of violence that transcends what the status of your relationship is, what you’re wearing, or whatever other excuses that people pull out to find a different perspective about a disgusting crime. It is exactly why the minority of rape cases are reported, and an even greater majority make it to trial; because the victim ends up going on trial.
Does it matter whether the man who rapes you is your husband or some stranger with his face hidden? Isn’t rape, rape?
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Relationship Advice Guest Post: Am I wasting my time with my mixed signals guy?
July 18, 2008 by NML · 12 Comments
I have a guest post from Emily of X & Y Communications which is an all too familiar scenario with Baggage Reclaim readers - trying to read a mans mind and interpret signals that are either mixed or non existent….
Maureen asks: My dilemma is that I have been dating this guy for close to eight months. I am almost ready to tell him that the only way I’ll continue going out with him is if things are going somewhere and if he is not seeing someone else because I don’t want to waste my precious time.
I don’t like that when we are having dinner or at the movies he keeps answering text messages to I don’t know who (this happens even when he is driving). He says he really wants to get to know me better but sometimes his actions tell me different.
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Relationship Advice: Should I stick by emotionally unavailable army guy?
July 17, 2008 by NML · 8 Comments
Amy asks “I fell in love with a wonderful, a younger man (yea for me) and then, he was called to active duty. Sad, sad day that was. He was in the Reserves, here in the U.S. at the time.
So our relationship became long distance as he was in another state preparing to go to war. I’ve never known or been in relationship with a military guy, so this was all new. The thought of also knowing someone not only military but going to war was beyond my comprehension.
Nonetheless, it happened. He went to war and I stayed by his side. I endured much of his stress during this time, they actually have a name for it ‘vicarious trauma’ and found it to have effected me greatly about the time he was ready to come home. it’s tough to wait for someone for 15 months, and to hear of bombs, friends dying etc in his letters. hard times, for sure.
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Singing Your Way to Emotional Unavailability
July 16, 2008 by NML · 29 Comments
Throughout the entire time that I have been writing my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, my guide to emotionally unavailable men and the very reliable women that love them, I have been listening to a hell of a lot of songs and I realised that many of the songs that I love are about trying to get men that don’t want to be got, and saying that you’re better than the woman because you can love him better.
I even noticed that on my recent post about how Mr Unavailable blows hot and cold on women, only to turn the tables on you and turn YOU into ‘The Pursuer’, readers started putting songs on like ‘Shadowboxer to your phone’ by Fiona Apple and Duffy’s ‘Stepping Stone’ suggested by FinallyOverIt, BBP suggests a timeless favourite by Patsy Cline, ‘Crazy’ and I have seen many others suggested on the forum.
Here are some of my all time favourite songs…can you see a theme, other than the fact that Mary J Blige is the queen of Fallback Girl songs as well as R&B….?
Not Gon’ Cry - Mary J Blige (The Flogger Fallback Girl)
“While all the time that I was loving you
You were busy loving yourself
I would stop breathing if you told me to
Now your busy loving someone else”
No Happy Holidays by Mary J Blige (The Other Woman Fallback Girl)
“Christmas you weren’t with me, New Year’s Eve you were not around
Valentine’s came and went, Makes me wonder where your time was spent
Fireworks on the Fourth of July, Thanksgiving was another lie
Your family has never met me, And you’ve never met mine, no happy holiday”
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Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is available to download
July 15, 2008 by NML · 2 Comments
OK peeps, the book is available to download here. I apologise again for the delay. It turns out that almost 320 pages to control with MS Word is a pain in the bum…Yes 320 pages! I will be selling it for £15, but I have listed it as £12.50 (around $24) for the initial launch as it has taken me a bit longer than planned…. Enjoy! If there are any updates to it, you will automatically get a new copy.
Quick overview of the book:
When a woman finds herself in a relationship with Mr Unavailable, that emotionally distant, commitment shy guy, she wonders what she has done wrong or what she needs to do in order to ‘get’ him. She may not realise that she is a Fallback Girl, the person that Mr Unavailable relies or ‘falls back’ on to massage his ego and cater to all of his idiosyncrasies, whilst he contributes little or nothing to the relationship. She is one of an alarming number of women who either fail to recognise the situation until it’s too late or feel that they are stuck in what seems an impossible pattern of relationship behaviour.
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Emotional Unavailability: He Blows Hot & Cold - You become ‘The Pursuer’
July 14, 2008 by NML · 27 Comments
Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl will be available to download Tuesday 15th July, which will totally lift the lid on who the Fallback Girl is and why she fits in so well with emotionally unavailable men. In this adapted excerpt, I illustrate why you tie in so well with the age-old trick of him blowing hot and cold to control you…
In every single email and telephone discussion I have had with the many Fallback Girl’s, every, single, last one, has revealed that there were some, or even a lot of things that made them uncomfortable or got their ‘spidey senses’ going in the early days of the relationship, such as the blowing hot and cold and the ever changing excuses, and yet…nothing. They didn’t do anything, or at least not anything constructive that would truly benefit them. Now I don’t deny that these men are assclowns, fronters, and morphers, and some of them are extremely good at being deceptive, but the one thing that Fallback Girl’s are guilty of is blindly pursuing their own agenda, even though they have signals to the contrary.
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Apologies…The Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl delay
July 10, 2008 by NML · 9 Comments
Dear Fallback Girls et al,
I wanted to apologise for the book not coming out on Tuesday as expected. I have been unwell and it’s taken me a bit longer than necessary to get back up to speed as quite frankly, I’m exhausted! As so many of you get in touch with me and also keep me informed of your goings ons, I want to do the same to you.
I am so sorry to have disappointed readers with another delay but you can be assured, that on Monday 14th July, the book will be available to download (I am trying to sort print but that may take a bit longer).
I have discovered in this process that I am a bit of a perfectionist and that I am probably trying to do too much when you combine a one year old baby with a penchant for needing my attention just as I’m pulling apart assclowns for the book, plus I run two other blogs about baby products that run 90 posts a week, amongst several other things including my consultancy work, and my body seems to have said that enough is enough! After having quite bad food poisoning, my body has taken much longer to get back on track, and it’s because I’m run down and ignoring my body’s request for rest.
My body is screaming “NML! I know you love talking about assclowns but I need some frickin’ rest!“
You may also have received an email from me this week saying that there will be a delay in responses to advice queries which there has been an extremely large volume of. Please be patient with me and I will get on top of everything, although the book is number one priority so that I can help even more of you.
Normal service will resume next week and have a great weekend
Love
NML x
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10 Reasons Women Choose Men…and why they shouldn’t! Part Two
July 3, 2008 by NML · 5 Comments
In part one we looked at the first five reasons why women choose men including the fact that they’re married and really good at their jobs and now we have the last five.
6. He’s a great lover/there’s a lot of sexual tension
You deduce: We have an amazing sexual connection which means we must have a connection which means he must be something really special. If he’s a great lover and gives you more orgasms than you’ve ever had before, you may think that you’re soulmates.
The reality: Sexual tension can be created between two people for a whole variety of a reasons and whilst it’s nice and adds to the excitement, if you let this be a determining factor in your reason for believing that you’re suited to each other as relationship partners, you are on a way track to Doomsville. The sad reality is that sexual tension is often created with ambiguous men that blow hot and cold, and effectively tease you. It’s the promise of ‘more’ to come.
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