Advice: Does tragedy or trauma attract emotionally unavailable men?

Traci asks “I feel like I fell for an emotionally unavailable guy mostly because I was dealing with a tragedy and was more vulnerable than usual. I attached myself to someone I had only begun dating who ended up being an emotional unavailable guy (I got one good cry on the shoulder experience and then very little after that).

Does this play a role in my willingness to accept the crumbs he gave (mostly in the form of the occasional text message, visit and sex session)?

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Advice: Is he returning because he loves me or am I the Fallback Girl?

Six months into my separation, I received an email from one of my best high school friends, a man whom I had not heard from in 8 years except for occasional holiday cards. It was a basic email to ask how I was doing but after a month of talking casually, I learned that he also was separated from his wife. We’ve always been able to talk freely and it was great to hear from him again, like we had never been out of contact. We hooked up once, 18 years ago. I wanted to date him then, but he chose to date someone else. Some blonde bimbo with a big jaw. However, this did not stop him from calling me up and complaining about her when things went sour.

He also called me a month before his wedding, saying he wasn’t sure he wanted to marry his now wife, blah blah blah. I still felt love for this man, and therefore chose to listen and offered moral support.

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Advice: Can I keep it light with Mr Unavailable and bail out before I get hurt?

JJ asks “I have been hurt in the past and went into a long phase of meaningless two month “relationships” and one-night stands before deciding upon abstinence, when lo and behold I met someone. He’s everything I always thought I really wanted - intelligent, funny, outgoing, and hot - but never had the guts to ask for. HOWEVER I did not ask for him to have an ex-girlfriend who he also calls “his best friend.” Is that possible? She’s an awesome girl, and very cute. What’s keeping them from getting back together? I’ve never asked why they broke up because I didn’t feel like it was my business. Is it?

Also we’ve also discussed what we were in this for prior to hooking up, and we were going to keep it light — we met and had been friends for a month or so before liking each other. But what does it mean when he tells me “I don’t want to get all emotional and stuff. It’s not you, it’s just that I’m in med school and need to focus.” What the hell does that mean????? And is it really not me? I’m in med school too. He’s 27 if that means anything.

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Advice: Why her and not me? The other woman gone very wrong

“I met a guy at work, who at the time had a long distance relationship going on 5 years. We somehow started talking at work and soon, we were IMing all day long. At the beginning, I had no feelings for him. He was just a cool guy at work that I started talking to. But slowly, it turned into something. He showered me with attention, we started eating lunch everyday, walking to and from work (1 hour walks each way). It seemed that we could not get enough of each other’s company.

Then it turned into physical, very slowly, until we were totally and completely involved. By this time, his girlfriend had moved here and they lived together, but he continued to text me all the time, he called me while he was on vacation with his friends, we made date night plans and ate out at nice restaurants all the time. I knew it was wrong, and that it had to stop, but he was this addicting drug to me. It also didn’t help that I was falling in love with him, and it was the first time I had ever fell in love with anyone.

His relationship with his gf was odd. He slept on the couch, they never went out, and to this day, I don’t even know what she looks like. When we would start talking about “us”, he would tell me that he was really confused and that if things were different, he would be dating me. But he kept saying how long they had been dating and ending a relationship like that was so difficult….so I waited….and waited.

It was at this time that things were slowly unraveling between us. I was becoming more and more jealous, insecure, needy, and dependent. He was becoming more distant. We still talked everyday cause we worked together, but there was a definite change. We seemed to get into fights a lot. Mostly cause I wanted more, and he felt that anytime he talked to me, I would make him feel like shit.

Then one day, I found out he was starting to talk to another girl at work…..I confronted him about it and he denied it. But I could see it with my own eyes. The most painful part was seeing him do the same thing he did with me, with her. The IMing all day long, the stories, the jokes, etc. I had thought I was special, but now it didn’t seem so. Basically, that went on for weeks as I stupidly was continuing to hook up with him, thinking that would win him. I was heartbroken, and things came to a head at work as everyone soon found out about us. He was so angry at me for telling my friends at work about us that he stopped talking to me. That was honestly the lowest 2 months of my life. But I had incredibly supportive friends and a therapist and I tried to go about it in the right way.

I was starting to get over him, very slowly. Then one day, I got an email from him saying how sorry he was that he turned his back on his “best friend”. But not one mention of his hurtful behaviour in regards to the new girl. At this point, he’d broken up up with his girlfriend, and he told me the reason he started talking to the new girl was because he needed to get away from that relationship, and that in a way, I was part of that old relationship.

So, he reached out to me, and I finally let him have it. I let everything out - I told him he was manipulative, mean, and hurtful. I told him that I was over him (which was just a survival tactic on my part), that I would never be able to trust him, and that I was too good for him. He apologized and told me all he wanted was his best friend back. For some reason, I forgave him. He is now dating the new girl, of which he now complains to me about. I know he is very toxic for me, but for some reason, I can’t say no to him. Recently, we were commuting home from work together, and we ended up hooking up again (I know, very bad of me!)…..basically, this VERY long explanation leads me to my question.

I can’t get past it and I’ve asked everyone, including my therapist. So, how was he able to date someone else less than 2 months after his breakup and not me? He would not break up with his girlfried for me, but said he would date me if they weren’t together. But then they break up, and he can’t date me because “it’s too soon”. This question has made me lose what little self esteem I had; it made me question my entire being.

Was I not pretty enough, good enough, smart enough? He has recently told me that he is still not over me and he tells me how great and how beautiful I am, but if he means this, then why did he not choose me? I know I would not want to be chosen, as he has proved himself to be a liar and a cheat, and being his gf means being screwed over but I can’t get that question out of my head.

The good news is that my last week at my job is next week, and in a perfect world, I would leave and never talk to him again. But in reality, I know that will be the hardest thing, even though I know he is self involved, manipulative, and emotionally and physically unavailable (and it doesn’t help I live 3 doors away from him).

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Advice: Where did I go wrong? The trap of the emotionally unavailable, inconsistent woman

Craig asks: I am 37-year-old single male who decided to try Internet dating as thought it would be a great way to actually meet someone based not entirely on physical attraction. I’d only been on the site for a month when I made contact with a woman who had been unhappily married for twenty years and it had ended two years ago. We initially sent each other a couple of emails before exchanging mobile numbers.

Our first conversation lasted two hours and one of her stipulations was that she did not send text messages nor ask men out. I was comfortable with that. We talked a few more times on the phone with each chat lasting about an hour. In these chats we shared so much, which ranged from meaningful to light-hearted etc. I didn’ t phone her for three days and I received a text message where the general gist was “You are in my thoughts” and “I thought you would have phoned me”. I replied saying that I cared about her etc and would call that night, which I did and we had another long chat where she asked when we were going to meet up. I agreed to meet her on the Sunday - This was no blind date as both our photos were posted on the dating site.

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Advice: Why do bastards change into ideal partners?

Mel asks “Why is it that men can totally transform themselves into the ideal partner when they finally fall in love, or meet ‘the one’, especially, if they’ve been bastards to their previous girlfriends?

Do they really keep up their good behaviour throughout their relationship (i.e. live happily ever after scenario)?

Wouldn’t such a man fall into his old pattern of behaviour when a difficulty arises in the relationship?

What truth does the idea that ‘past behaviour is a true indicator of future behaviour’ bear on this?”

OK before I answer these questions, you need to understand what a ‘bastard’ is. This is a man who is self-centred and disrespectful to women through both actions and words. He’s inconsiderate and lives by the hard and fast rule of treat her mean and keep her keen and he’s not changing his ways anytime soon. Lying, stealing, cheating, beating, deceiving, abusing mentally or physically are just some of the things that may be part of his repertoire. He often plays mind games with women to ensure that they end up so f*cked up that they either stay with him because they’ve become stupefied, or continues to seek out further bastards when the relationship is over because they no longer have a great sense of self-worth and have become bastard junkies.

A guy isn’t a bastard if he was a decent enough guy but he broke up with you for whatever reason. It’s important to understand that a guy is not a bastard just because things didn’t work about between you.

Why do men ‘transform’ into the ideal partner?

Relationships are a result of the sum of two people and other than when you get those smarmy bastards that dupe you into believing that they’re nice guys, most women who go out with bastards choose to. Call it drama seeking, call it making a rod for your own back, but sometimes we get exactly what we’re looking for. In the same respect, when he is in bastard mode, he tends to go for women that make it easy for him to behave in this way. But yes, sometimes a leopard does change its spots and the bastard becomes The Ideal Man.

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Advice: He’s miserly with his time, money, and himself

I’ve been dating a guy for a little over a year and when we first met he told me that he didn’t go out much. I thought that was great since I’m not really into the club/party scene, although I do enjoy other activities like dinner, movies, shopping, etc. What I didn’t realize is that when this man (he’s 28, I’m 27) said that he didn’t go out is that he doesn’t like to do anything! During our first months of dating I was able to get him to the movies once and dinner on occasion but that was it. He’s very frugal so I thought that it was the money that made him want to stay in so I was able to get him to accompany me to a friend’s dinner party and a few family gatherings since they wouldn’t cost him a dime.

After the holidays last year he completely withdrew from doing anything with me. On Valentine’s Day he told me that he’d take me to dinner at a place that one of his co-workers recommended. I’d never eaten there before and thought it sounded like fun and asked him if I needed to Google the address or directions and he said no. Well, to make a long story short we never found the place and I offered to call a friend for directions and he told me not to and asked if there was anywhere else I wanted to go. I named another spot and he asked if there was anywhere else other than the place we’d agreed upon or the place that I mentioned and I said no. We ended up at an IHOP that still has a smoking section–how’s that for romantic? When we got there he kept saying how we were there because of me and that he’d rather be at home watching TV. I told him that we should just leave because I didn’t want IHOP. He was determined to give me a Valentine’s Day dinner so IHOP it was. Following that date, we didn’t eat out again until July! The next dinner date was in September after that.

I have even offered to pay for us to go out. It’s not like I’m asking him for extravagant nights on the town. I’ve even suggested picnics, free concerts, or anything to give us a change of scenery and he always says no and suggests that I go out with my girlfriends. At one point he even told me to call up an ex to see if he’d take me out because that would be doing him a favor.

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Advice: He had his dating profile active and we’re in a relationship

I met a guy from an internet dating site in March. We went out from about April until August. I took my profile off almost immediately, but his profile was still on the site, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I didn’t want to mention it initially, but finally he made his profile invisible after a few weeks. I must admit I did check the site on occasion to double check the profile was definitely not there. But after a few months into our relationship, I did a random check and his profile was visible again. But he seemed to be checking it only every few days.

I was very distressed and didn’t know how to approach him. As when he was with me everything seemed fine, he was also mentioning moving in together and buying a house down the track. So I was very confused. He did have issues, as his long-term partner had left him a year a go, and he had just finished the settlement and child support arrangements. His mother had died a year ago of Parkinson’s, he’d changed careers, and moved house all in the space of six months just before I met him. Things were slow between us initially, but suddenly they got really great, we had a lot in common and good bond and he seemed really happy, he called me his ‘resucer’. Everything seemed good, except he was back on the dating site.

I couldn’t take it any longer; I didn’t understand why he was looking for somebody else, when everything seemed fine. I emailed him and asked him why he was still on the site. I told him I was sad, hurt, disappointed, angry and taken for a ride. The next day he emailed me back and totally denied he’d been on the site since he’d met me. I was so annoyed as he’d now lied to me, so I didn’t speak to him for a week. He eventually emailed me, complaining that he’s been waiting for me to call him, and he didn’t understand why I had gone cold turkey on him. He was bewildered and disappointed. As I had not been in touch for over a week, he presumed it was over between us, and he would probably be better off on his own. He was thinking of moving interstate anyway.

I emailed him again to try and explain, and indicated I was probably being too sensitive for my own good. I didn’t want to totally loose him. I asked if we could talk, but he just texted me, and said he wasn’t ready to talk. That was 5 weeks ago. I did email him 2 weeks ago saying I missed him, but haven’t heard anything. I feel sad because it broke so suddenly and it was all done via email. I know I should have asked him face to face, but it is hard. He didn’t let us talk about it. Will I ever hear from him again? And what was going on with him?

NML says: This guy is screwing with your mind. You know that what he is doing is out of order yet you are buying into his crap and he has turned the tables on you where YOU’RE chasing him and YOU’RE feeling guilty when it should be him.

If he is not looking for a new partner or keeping himself open to the possibility of meeting someone new, why is his profile still active? The fact that he then lies about being on the site is ridiculous and this is where I feel that he is a bully and controlling. People like him challenge your truths and browbeat you into believing the falsehoods by making you feel bad about yourself. Technology means that these sites let other users know how active the person is on the dating site by letting you know how recently they have logged in. Is he saying that it’s not him and that he has a ’site sitter’ that checks in for him and waters the plants? If you continue to keep your profile active, it means that you don’t have both feet in the relationship and are keeping your options open. These aren’t the hallmarks of a relationship that can progress!

This man has a lot of stuff going on and they all scream ‘red alert, abort mission’. We all have a bit of baggage but when we wheel them out as something to excuse our behaviour or to keep us at a distance, it means that we are not good for a relationship. I don’t deny that he’s had a difficult year but sometimes people try to do too much and it’s clear that he is not emotionally ready for a relationship. Rather than wait for him to tell you, you should take the signs and the hint and don’t try to make a silk purse from a pigs ear. You can’t fix this and he needs to deal with his own issues. The fact that he calls you his ‘rescuer’ is not a good sign. Being rescued feels good initially but he won’t want to feel rescued forever…It sounds like he could do with rescuing himself….

Let me spell something out for you. You have every right to be annoyed. You chose not to speak to him for a week where others would have dumped his ass. You told him how you felt about his actions and instead of owning up to it, he denies things and then demands to know why you haven’t been in contact as if your conversation didn’t happen. This is more bully and control tactics. Why was he waiting for you to call him? If he felt that bad he could have picked up the phone. On the flipside, you need to decide what you are doing with this guy because if you didn’t speak to him for a week, you had your reasons. If you wanted the relationship to continue, wouldn’t you say so? Wouldnt you say “Let’s talk in a week as I need to digest this and figure out things?” He probably was right to presume that it was over, not just because you weren’t in contact for a week though, but because of the conversation you both had, but most importantly his actions. He may sing a different tune but deep down he knows that he is in the wrong.

My biggest concerns though is that you don’t stand by how you feel and what you know. You are very quick to sell yourself down the river to a guy that can’t even commit enough to remove his dating profile from the website where you met him! Why do you feel you are being ‘too sensitive’? You’re not. If you’re in a relationship where there is talk of moving in together and buying a house, I think it’s safe to assume that you’re not just casually dating and keeping yourselves open to other prospects. You say you don’t want to “totally lose him” - well you can’t half lose him and you deserve better than to concede on the basic respect levels in your relationship and live the half life with him. He is playing silly buggers now by being the one in control of the contact and the best thing that you could do right now is sit on your hands and cease contact.

You may well hear from him again especially when he senses that you’ve started to forget about him. These guys are like boomerangs with a sixth sense for recognising when you’re starting to move on and get happy. He is trying to manipulate you and him doing his whole “better off on his own” and moving interstate thing is just emotional blackmail. If he wants to move, let him move. He can’t have been that serious about you if he was thinking of moving and you weren’t in those plans. You feel sad because there isn’t proper closure and he hasn’t allowed you to own how you feel. But you can get closure and own how you feel without him. Never let somebody, man or woman, tell you that black is white when you know the score. Always have boundaries and acknowledge when they have crossed and put yourself first instead of someone who doesn’t care enough about you.

Recommended reading: The 10 Commandments of Breaking Up and Why do men blow hot and cold?
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more

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Advice: Saying goodbye without the anger and pressure

I have now been with my boyfriend over a year. We live together in Japan and are both from Europe. We have managed to get over the interracial issues that we faced when we initially realised that we were attracted to each other and wanted to be together but now its a whole other issue. We are living in a place where neither of us can be comfortable; him because he has a white face and people make messed up colonial assumptions about him which he is not ok with and me because I am sick of being centre of attention simply by getting on the bus and oh if one more person tries to put their hand in my hair please contact me via the Japan prison system site. So we have decided to live apart.

I thought I was ok with the idea but have noticed that I seem to be feeling anger towards him because of this. I just don’t see how he can really want to be with me if he is happy to see this happened yet I know that we need to be apart if this is ever to work in the future.

How do I say goodbye and not pressure this to the point that we can never get back what we had when it started?

NML says: I think your anger stems from the fact that you perceive his behaviour as a rejection of you and your relationship. There is a sense of abandonment in a strange place and you will expect on some levels to be protected.

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Advice: Am I right not to be too quick to commit?

“I left my abusive marriage 5 months ago - we had been together for 11 years in total (I am 29) and he was the only guy I have ever slept with. I feel really positive about leaving him and although it was hard, it’s the best decision I ever made. I met a really lovely guy 2 months after I left my husband and we went on a few dates. He wanted to start a relationship with me but I refused to commit because I wanted to be single for a while and get to know myself again. Also I didn’t want him to be my rebound relationship. We are still in touch as friends which is great. He is a genuine nice guy and we get on so well and are really attracted to each other. I know that if we started a relationship we would be together for a long time so I was concerned that perhaps in the future I might regret not using this time alone and to go out with other guys.

I have been asked out by other men and I feel guilty because although I think I should experience what it’s like going out with other guys, all I can think about is the guy that I’ve already met and if it will ruin our relationship/friendship? Would I be betraying him if I went out with/slept with
someone else?”

NML says: It most definitely wouldn’t be a betrayal of him and I think it’s very important that you give yourself a lot of space and time before you start a new relationship because you have been through a very difficult relationship previously and only have experience of one man, and he was abusive. Not only do you have to be careful of rebounding, but you also need to ensure that you have dealt with your past and that you are free of anything that may put you into a situation where you could be abused again. You are vulnerable and you need the opportunity to be you, free of the shackles of being tied to someone. If this new guy cares about you, he will respect your wishes. I think it is totally understandable that you want to explore who you are and what the dating world has to offer. You have been in a heavy relationship for the prime years of exploration.

Be very careful of emotionally investing yourself too quickly in this guy. Much as you may like him there is a reason why you didn’t feel that you should commit to him and you need to listen to yourself, rather than the insecurity of what may or may not happen if you do what you want to do. I think you deserve to do what feels right for you and to enjoy yourself - you’ve just come out of an abusive relationship - don’t worry about what yet another man thinks.

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