Guest Post: You can be a ‘Nice Guy’ but I need you to keep your balls and be a ‘man’

Hot Alpha Female writes…

Recently I had to travel to the US, and one particular issue kept coming up.

My travelling buddy, while really sweet and easy going, was slowly driving me insane. I thought I was going to pull my own hair out and wanted to give him a happy pill or something, just so he would be able to talk faster instead of taking 5 minutes to think of a response to anything I said! My main frustration was that this guy could not make a decision for the life of him!! He was travelling with me because he is meant to be that little bit more savvy, but honestly it would have been better travelling with a stuffed toy!

So here is the thing: This guy could not make a decision, said YES to everything that I asked him, and seemed to have no sense of opinion himself, and on top of that was a complete and utter people pleaser! I don’t know about you guys, but isn’t this something that you would find just irritating? Mind you, some of you may be thinking that it would be great to have such an easy going traveling buddy…

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The truth about Nice Guys

The dating world is a complicated one full of dodgy dates, misconceptions, and pigeon holing galore, and none more so than with the quintessential hard-done-by Mr Nice Guy. But…are ‘Nice Guys’ really that ‘nice’?

Trust me, it’s not because you’re the Nicest Guy On Earth™ why you can’t pick up women – it’s either because you’re barking up the wrong tree, you’re mistaking certain qualities or characteristics for ‘nice’ when they are actually hindrances, or you’re actually just not that nice.

I believe there are four types of ‘Nice Guy’:

Assclowns, Bastards, and Jerks in Nice Guy Clothing

Men have far bigger egos and more self-esteem than women, which means that they often do not see themselves as they really are. Even if they’re cheating, beating, stealing, and generally dishonest, these guys would STILL sit there and tell you what a great guy they are. There are so many forums full of disgruntled men that blame ‘bitches’ that love Bad Boys for everything that’s wrong with their universe who have decided that they’re not playing nice and they’ll sleep with prostitutes from now on…What’s so nice about this?

Quick solution: These men need to get real about who they are and stop fronting. Only then might they actually learn to deal with their assclown selves.

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Geeks Can Be Hot

Judging by the tastes of women in general and readers of this blog, the idea of dating a ‘geek’ is as exciting as the prospect of dating a ‘Nice Guy’. Naturally like the latter, geeks are underrated and underappreciated, and someone has posted on Craigslist about ‘Why Dating Nerds and Geeks Pays Off’, a call to keep the sisterhood from the ‘flashy guys’ that of course, lack substance. Here are the top 5 reasons:

“1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are… plus, I’ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

3.) They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such… but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like ‘em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like ‘em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

5.) They’ve got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

Read the rest of the reasons over at Craigslist

Whilst the list is humorous with doses of truth, I do think that it’s a shame that considering how so many people complain about trying to find men in the ’shallow’ dating pool, that many women still continue to narrow their pool of vision by automatically avoiding men that they think are geeks, nerds, or too nice to date twice. It shouldn’t really be about geeks vs the flashy guy; it should be about the substance of the person. And whilst geeks and nerds may not be flashy, they still have the ability to be attractive, both on the inside and outside.

Read via Geeksugar

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‘Average’ Men Turned Upside Down

I believe that you can pretty much divide men into three camps: Nice Guys, Bad Boys and Mr Unavailable’s, but many women talk about ‘average men’, usually with disdain. Average by its very nature implies middle of the road, nothing special and to many women, it’s not a very attractive prospect. Combined with the fact that Bad Boys and Mr Unavailable’s are still a more attractive prospect for most women, and bingo, you get screwed-up-central. But is average really that bad and who is the ‘average’ guy?

If you look up ‘average’ in a Thesaurus you get some of the following:

Standard; regular; normal; usual; typical; common; middling; run of the mill; ordinary

At a glance, most of these words will send a shudder through most women because there is this fear of ‘settling’ and that’s what being with a so-called average man implies. We’re so caught up in chasing fireworks, drama, The One, It, excitement, our visual of perfection, criteria on a master list and much more that it’s no wonder it is easy to cast off a perfectly nice guy in favour of going to the greener grass on the other side.

The reality is that most women wouldn’t know an average man if it slapped them in the face, but the term gets used to blanket cover men that aren’t deemed to be hot in the looks and personality department. If you’re calling someone average it’s because you’re looking at them from a superficial, shallow perspective. One woman’s ‘average’ man is another woman’s dreamboat.

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Mr Too Nice to Date Twice

A few months back, I wrote about 10 Guys That Make Dating Mistakes which was a rather tongue-in-cheek look at the guys who are a human barrier to their own dating success. I’ve decided to take a more in-depth look at these characters one at a time, with the first being Mr Too Nice to Date Twice.

Who is Mr Too Nice to Date Twice?

• Think that they’re ‘new’ men that aren’t interested in getting their leg over like ‘all the other guys’ even though that’s secretly exactly what they want! They suppress their desires because they think it makes them better and ‘nicer’.
• If their girlfriend isn’t happy, they’re not happy. They derive their happiness from the woman they’re with.
• Has lots of female friends, often acquired after going on a date with them and being relegated to the friend category.
• Often has more female than male friends.
• Has a skewed notion that if they assert their needs and desires that it makes them selfish so they struggle to put their needs first.
• Not keen on being assertive.
• Tend to ask before they kiss a woman.
• Don’t like to say no to girlfriends.
• Thinks they’re more sensitive than their male counterparts.
• Gets roped into ‘helping’ out people so they end up inadvertently becoming a handyman/chauffeur/lackey/general dogs-body
• Often called ’sweet’;'cute’ any other words that scream ‘Nice’ but not for the woman in question.

‘Nice’ is an overused word that is getting both men and women the world over in trouble. We’ve got people being nicer than they feel and people thinking that ‘nice’ is a four letter word for roll over and get treated like sh*t. When it comes to men, there is many a man that believes that he is too nice and that’s why women don’t date him (or progress things) and there are a hell of a lot of women out there, that dry up and get turned off when they spend time around a man that they deem ‘too nice’.

It’s all one big merry-go-round - Lots of women like bad boys that treat them mean and keep them keen and lots of nice guys like the women that like bad boys, which essentially means we’re all chasing the wrong people. Won’t don’t Nice Guys go out with Nice Girls?

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Nice Isn’t Always a Four Letter Word

The running joke in my family is that if there is a lying, cheating, jerk within a 200 mile radius, he will eventually show up somewhere as my date. I see the best in everyone, even if I have to dig through mountains of crap to find the good. I like to believe that everyone will one day realise their potential and be the man that I see. This is a delusion that the FDA is currently approving drugs for. My bad boy habit is a plague that has apparently infected a gross majority of American women. And it’s one of those sicknesses I like because some of the symptoms are so much fun. The excitement, the emotional roller coaster, the fear, they’re all an aphrodisiac when you’re afflicted by this “illness.”

I may have found the cure: The Nice Guy. Now, I know you’re rolling your eyes at me right now, sighing as you disdainfully comment that if we were attracted to nice guys we wouldn’t have this problem to begin with. Well, stop. Here’s the catch. You have to find a nice guy who could pass for a bad boy. He can have bad habits, tattoos, and a less than stable lifestyle. He can have long hair, a nicotine addiction, and some unfocused anger. BUT, he’s nice. He has an amazing heart. He listens when you talk. He wants to protect you against all odds. He misses you when you’re not around. He thinks about you as often as you think about him. Being with you is not only important, it’s imperative. He’s a sheep in wolf’s clothing. The best of both worlds. Everything you ever claimed to want coupled with everything you’ve always been attracted to.

I’ve temporarily taken off my running shoes for a boy like this. We shall see how it feels to simply walk hand in hand. I’m not turning them in yet, just giving my feet a rest. They’ve earned it.

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What is a Nice Guy?

When we think of nice guys in the dating sense, we tend to think too nice (because that’s bad apparently), boring, unassertive, too compliant, overly agreeable, doesn’t mess us about, isn’t ambiguous about his feelings, dying to settle down, possibly wears brown corduroy’s (joke!) and lots of words that we associate with unexciting, ordinary, not very fairy tale-ish, dry, lacking oomph etc.

The first thing that should be cleared up is that nice guys are not waiting for you to come along so that they can roll over, declare their undying love for you, and pander to your every whim. They’re men, which means that it’s likely that they’re a pain in the arse, but the type of annoying things that they do are very different to your average Mr Unavailable or out and out Bad Boy.

Nice Guy’s get a bad rap because a lot of us ladies have got it into our head that there is something far more fulfilling to be had with a man that isn’t very good at fulfilling us. We often forget that if we’re expecting things to be out of the fairy tales or the movies, the bad guy doesn’t get the girl, the nice one does.

A nice guy is not a wimp. A ‘Nice Guy’ will endeavour as often as possible to say what he means and mean what he says, even though he’ll undoubtedly cock it up as the communication between the sexes does tend to go awry. However a ‘Nice Guy’, if he likes you will make an effort to try. He will call you, and not because he’s looking for a shag or a filler for his evening, but because being with you makes his whole evening, makes his whole week in fact.
A ‘Nice Guy’ will call within a reasonable period of time (keeping in mind that he is still a man so he can get confused about how long that should be) and won’t be ambiguous about arranging to see you again.

They tend to make sure that the path is free and clear for you both to tread on instead of attempting to juggle you with another woman. Even if he happens to be in a relationship when you meet him, because he has morals, because he is attempting to start out on the right footing, he will put an end to the other relationship pronto and without you threatening all sorts of outcomes.

Nice Guy’s don’t tell you bullshit like, ‘I would really love to be with you properly but you know my situation’. In fact, the dreaded word ‘situation’ doesn’t feature because he doesn’t make things difficult for himself.

Some Nice Guys are particularly honest about their feelings, they show their keenness, and ambiguity is a foreign word with them, and this scares away women. This is seen as being super-keen (keen-o,) or weird (weirdo) because for some idiotic reason, many women think that the way to show interest to a woman is to either be vague about it or not show any at all.

There are lots of different people out there which means that you get extroverts and introverts, and Nice Guys, and er, the rest. Nice Guys can still be exciting, but their version and your version of excitement may differ. ‘Excitement’ to a lot of women means that the guy treats them mean and keeps them keen, maybe he lives life on the edge a little, bit irresponsible, needs fixing, and they think he needs nurturing to change his errant behaviour.

Nice Guys take their pleasures from enjoying the good things in life, but not at the expense of someone who they profess to care about, and they ultimately don’t feel comfortable with having no regard for someone else’s feelings. When they do hurt a woman’s feelings, they do genuinely feel bad about it.

Nice Guy’s don’t go around telling everyone that they’re one, they just are. The type of guy that suffers from ‘Those Who Doth Protest Too Much Syndrome’ isn’t a Nice Guy, he just thinks he’s different for some convoluted reason and is far too aggressive about how ‘nice’ he is to actually be a Nice Guy.

Mr Unavailable’s, as a point of reference aren’t neccessarily bad guys, they have issues though and are far too caught up with themselves that for whatever reason they are emotionally, spiritually or physically unavailable.

Ultimately what really determines a nice guy is that the woman isn’t spending the relationship feeling insecure about the status of the relationship, where he is, what he’s doing when she’s not about and doesn’t feel that sense of unease and lack of self worth that’s associated with dating Mr Unavailable’s and Bad Boys. It’s definitely a better experience.

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim.

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Vixen’s Guide to: Dating a Nice Guy

I’ve had my share of Bad Boys but invariably, I’ve always been drawn more consistently to the Nice Guy. There is something about the old school charm, chivalrous ways and polished manners of this type of male that draws me like a moth to a flame. The term Nice Guy, has been used exclusively to categorise the gentlemen that don’t fit into the Bad Boy or any other prototype. These are the ones that will bring you flowers, call you just to say they are thinking of you, open doors and pay for all excursions with no fuss. They are the ones that your mother will approve of, and who manage to charm your family members that normally detest all the men you bring home.

First of all, if you aren’t sure that you guy is a nice guy…answer these questions to find out.
1. When you call him anytime of the day or night, does he talk to you even though you woke him up and protest when you try to get off the phone?
2. Is he always neatly dressed, clothes ironed and distinguished whenever he goes out?
3. Does he abstain from drugs, guns, excessive liquor and other substances?
4. Is his body free from excessive tattoos and piercings, gold grills and flashy jewellery?
5. Does he steer away from foul language, and swears sparingly if ever? Does he apologise when he uses curse words in front of you?
6. Does he bring you flowers for no reason at all, gifts on occasion, and remembers your favourite drinks and dessert?
7. Does he open doors for you and pull your chair back? Does he stand up whenever you leave or enter the room?
8. Does he help you carry anything heavy/bulky, does he assist with putting your coat on, does he offer to fix anything that breaks down in your place of abode?
9. Does he walk with you on the inside (with him closer to the street) when you are taking a walk through the neighbourhood?
10. Did he tell you that he loved you first? Is he vocal about his emotions and feelings?
11. Does he consider what you would like to do, and value your input in any discourse?
12. Does he put very little if any pressure on you to have sex with him?
13. Does he consider your comfort when with him, adjusting the temperature of the car/home to suit your needs, offering his jacket when it’s cold etc etc?

If majority of these are true, then hon, you are dating a Nice Guy.

Now don’t confuse a Nice Guy with a pushover. It’s not the same thing. Just because he looks after your interests and spoils you within reason doesn’t mean that you should take advantage of him. Nice guys have been taken advantage of time and time again and have learned from it. In my experience I’ve come across several nice guys that have been used and abused by the women they were with, and this has shattered a lot of their morals and values turning them into tortured, wounded souls.

Majority of Nice Guys were raised around women, they were predominantly raised by their mothers, sisters and aunts, and have managed to understand to a certain extent how women think. They sense your moods, your oncoming PMS and have learned what not to say in most situations. They are generally also more in tune with their feminine/sensitive side and might stun you with the depth of perception that they possess.

Note the following tips when dealing with Nice Guys

He generally is close to his family: He will talk to his family about you. Especially if he adores you. He will want to show you off. He will relate funny anecdotes about you and you might be surprised how much they know about you. There is nothing wrong with this, just note that if you are a super private person, you might want to let him know before he starts bragging about you to his friends and family.

He is generally close to his mom and the influential women in his life: He probably has a female best friend, is friends with his ex or a lady friend that he is very close to. If you happen to be a green-eyed sort, reel those jealous feelings in sweetie…to him these are platonic relationships. However, if your sixth sense is telling you something is up, please pay attention. In the same vein, if the women in his life don’t like you….it might cause issues. Deal with them carefully as if you were approaching a mother bear. They want to protect him for the ‘wicked Jezebels’ of the world and might just cast you in that category if you aren’t careful.

He might be over-the-top with giving gifts: Don’t take offence, he’s not trying to buy your affection, he is just showing you the level of his affection. Smile prettily, give him a kiss and receive graciously.

Nice guys believe in the rule of reciprocity: Somehow the golden rule has been ingrained in them and to prevent disillusionment, be nice. Don’t take them for granted, they do on some subconscious level expect niceness in kind. Don’t trample on their emotions, don’t belittle, DON’T cheat.

They are usually great communicators: On some level, they are gifted to a greater degree than your average Neanderthal in the language of women. They are able to pick up your moods and intuitively react to them. Appreciate this fact.

Don’t turn their good manners against them: If you are an independent woman, accept the gentlemanly courtesy…the opening of doors, etc. Get used to it. It is a part of them and asking them to stop goes against everything they stand for.

They are from the old school, old souls in a modern world. Think Braveheart, Gladiator type of men. They will stand up and fight for you. If they feel that you have been disrespected, they will want to protect you, beat the shit out of the person dissing you and take care of you.

However, note that Nice Guys have the power to revert to prototype and becomes jerks as well. Don’t think that just because you are dating a nice guy that he is the best thing since sliced bread. First and foremost, he is a GUY, and that my dear ladies, is the greatest irony of it all.

Visit Voxen’s blog Bad Girls Guide

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