Why do men blow hot and cold?
September 20, 2007 by NML · 10 Comments
Judging by the amount of interest in emotionally unavailable men, it is clear that most women have had some experience of being with a guy that blows hot and cold. This inconsistent behaviour means that as long as you’re with him you are thrown into a cycle of inconsistentency as you deal with the drama, the highs and lows, and the uncertainty. If you’re with a man that behaves like this, it is rarely a good indicator of things to come. But why do they do this?
They love the thrill of the chase. Men that turn on the hot and cold tap of attention have limited attention spans. They are quick out the gate in hot pursuit but as soon as they feel like they don’t have to chase anymore, you lose your shiny exterior. There is no incentive for them to throw all of their energy at you.
They are too cowardly to admit that they are not ready for a relationship. Instead they just p*ss off and withdraw and then blow hot when you kick up a fuss about their poor behaviour…or they need some sex or attention.
They like toying with you. There are some guys out there that like nothing more than to play cat and mouse with you. Clearly screwed up, they get a kick out of reeling you in, wining, dining, and maybe even sixty-nining you…only for them to stop calling, being obnoxious, or just plain ignoring you.
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Revealing Your Past
Over at AskMen, Gary Jackson has some suggestions on what men should keep quiet from their partners. Now I must say that I don’t advocate dishonesty, but I have always said that there is certain information that neither of the sexes is particularly good with coping with. It may not be for the same reasons, but there is information you spill, and information that you don’t…or you at least package it to be less destructive…
Number of Sexual Partners
AskMen says “There is no good answer to this. If you’ve slept with too few, she’ll think you’re inexperienced and sheltered. If you’ve slept with too many, she’ll assume you’re a player just looking to add some notches to your bedpost.”
NML says: It’s true that there isn’t a good answer to this question but for different reasons when it comes to women. Ideally the only number that men want to hear is ‘one’, i.e. them… As unrealistic as this is in this day and age, many guys don’t like to feel like they are one in a long line. If they had their way, you’d be an experienced virgin… what a contradiction. If you slept with only a few men, they either pat themselves on the back for getting a fairly innocent woman (although some will still think the number is too high) or they think you’re lying… If the number is too high, they think you’re a slut…even if it’s less than their number…
I recommend that couples don’t discuss numbers of sexual partners. Nothing good will come of it and it’s a stupid conversation. The type of information that is important is whether you have been tested and are sexually healthy.
Past Relationships
AskMen says: “It’s important to show you aren’t still emotionally involved in the relationship, which means you shouldn’t recount every little thing she did to hurt you. When giving a reason for the breakup, stick to generalities, such as “We were heading in different directions” or “We just outgrew each other,” rather than a blow-by-blow account of every argument you had. ”
NML says: Ex talk should not enter the conversation on the first few dates as you should have more interesting things to talk about. People make inaccurate judgments and draw their own conclusions, rightly and wrongly. Spill too much about your ex in the early stages and the guy won’t be able to help but adjust his behaviour so as not to appear to be anything like him. When you do get to talking about your past, it’s about striking a balance. The key is that you shouldn’t be emotionally invested, whether that means you come across cold in an effort to look detached, or if you can’t speak about him without bitching and seething.
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When should a woman have sex with a man?
September 14, 2007 by NML · 2 Comments
Over at Advice from a Single Dating Expert, Evan tackles the age-old issue of when it’s the right time to have sex, and surmises this grey area very well.
“As a woman, your job is not to come up with an arbitrary number of dates, like the U.S. coming up with a pull out date for our soldiers in Iraq. Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.
I repeat: Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.
If you don’t know the answer, don’t have sex. If you think you know the answer, then have sex. And if you can’t handle the emotional consequences of making an occasional mistake, you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship.”
The difficulty that many women find themselves in is not only do they follow their libido, but also they think that having sex will help them to leapfrog to a more cemented relationship.
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He’s Just Not That Into Booty Calls?
August 10, 2007 by NML · 3 Comments
“It’s hard to have casual sex without getting emotionally involved,”
Normally I would attribute these words to a woman, but on this occasion, it is to Ben, someone who claims to be amongst a growing number of men who just aren’t into booty calls. Say what?
“He’s Just Not That Into It” in Details Magazine examines this sudden change in the wind as men decide that they don’t just get hard and have actually got more emotional capacity than a stone when it comes to indulging in casual sex.
Whilst I do believe that casual sex floats everyone’s boat, it is still spearheaded by men. Millions of women have found themselves being unsuspecting one night stands or booty calls because many men don’t have balls big enough to admit that it’s all that they want. Instead, they let these women get sucked into the illusion that they are embarking on the beginning of something beautiful, when in fact, it will meet a very sharp end the moment that they roll off them.
“Isaac says he won’t have sex with someone he’s not emotionally attached to. He once walked away from a no-brainer—when a “gorgeous” former student ‘told me she sucks really good dick’—because he felt he couldn’t be giving, as he was emerging from a bad break-up.”
Well it’s nice to know that there are examples of men turning down sexual opportunities that are handed to them on a silver platter, after all, Isaac could easily have had some ‘medicine’ to make himself feel better… I have no doubt that he felt very uncomfortable about slipping her the mickey, but this situation also represents something else – when it’s the woman that’s effectively in control or being blatant about her sexuality or desire for casual sex, it’s just not that exciting.
For many men that habitually engage in casual sex, they like to think that the woman has brought into the idea of being with them and may even be falling in love. I have had many a woman complain of being mistreated by guys because they have been upfront about the fact that they just want the guy for sex. The men on the receiving end of their candidness wasted no time in trying to take chunks out of their character or even trying to reel them in emotionally just so that they could prove a point.
I don’t think it’s fair for women to assume that all guys want sex but unfortunately the type of man that we have often been confronted with out in the dating world isn’t doing very much to dispel this generalisation. These men may be declaring themselves off booty calls but I don’t think they represent the great majority.
The article goes on to discuss women believing that all guys want is sex and one man tells of how his sexuality was challenged and how he was badgered for sex all night by one persistent woman; the type of behaviour that if a guy was doing it would have him being called a “monster”. We’re accused of having further double standards when “Guys can be made to feel like dicks for withholding theirs” and that women take sexual rejection very personally.
What we have here is years of misguided social conditioning rearing its ugly head. There are years of repeated behavior coming back to bite men in the ass. By constantly helping to reinforce the idea that women should be up for casual shagging, many women have effectively jumped onto the bandwagon. The words ‘Be careful what you wish for’ have never been more apt!
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Can a Booty Call Grow Into a Relationship?
August 9, 2007 by NML · 8 Comments
Booty Call: This is when someone has the ability to flex their dialing finger and call up a certain person solely for the purpose of a shag. It tends to be late at night, it’s most definitely casual, no strings fun, and it relies on either both parties being grown up enough to know the deal and enjoy it for what it is, or for one person to be clever enough to let the other think that they’re getting more than they are, when all they’re looking for is boo-tay.
On the very basis that booty calls relies on the parties using each other for sex and you being flexible enough not to mind, why the hell would you want it to turn into a relationship? If you’re doing the booty call right, you don’t know enough about their character or personality to warrant even considering having a relationship. Technically all you know is that they screw well (God help you if you’re having a crap sex with a booty call…) and that when it comes to getting free and easy sex without any hassle, they can be punctual about arriving, and even more punctual about beating a hasty retreat to their own home, so that you can finish getting a good nights sleep. If you’ve been talking and getting to know each other…you just aren’t doing it right!
Booty calls are about using people for sex and whilst it’s a case of each to their own, it’s not a great advertisement for a person. Trust me when I say that booty calls are not something that everybody indulges in. The fact that all he wants to do is rock up when he gets hard, stick it to you and then leave, shouldn’t have you hankering for a relationship!
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He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me?
July 4, 2007 by Rose City Girl · 3 Comments
One thing I have never understood is the guy that realises he loves you after you leave him or better yet, after you leave him for someone else. Not only have some of my girlfriends experienced this phenomena but I have as well. These guys are in a league all their own. They are notorious for “freaking” out when you announce to them that you are leaving the relationship.
If you have experienced this, you know what I am talking about. One day, you decide you have had enough of waiting around for the relationship to advance and you hit the high road. Then all of a sudden, neon lit signs are flashing “I really do love you” all around only to leave you wondering, where the heck were you before?
I was with someone like this for a full year and a half. Over the course of our relationship he would make it known that he didn’t feel the same way about me. He never once said he loved me and at times was downright cruel. One night, I asked him flat out if he loved me. His response was “Well, I care about you but I don’t know if I am in love with you.” Frankly, that was all I needed to hear at that point to make my decision. What followed was a rocky, on the edge relationship that barely hung on. Shortly after, I met someone very special and announced to my boyfriend that I no longer wanted to be with him.
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When He Can’t Stop Shopping Around Online
June 25, 2007 by NML · 2 Comments
If there is one thing that the 21st century and the internet has brought about, it’s options. Before we had the world at our fingertips and we were separated by thousands of miles, we truly had no idea what was out there, and whether we were getting a good deal. Now, no insurance company, bank, or retailer can lie and tell you that they’re giving you the best price, because you can shop around and do price comparison to ensure that you get the very best deal, and it seems that this has stretched its way to dating.
It’s no secret that I am no fan of online dating. Yes there are honest people who date online and there are success stories, but online dating is the home of many people that have an allergic reaction to being truthful. Plus the very act of online dating seems to send a message to people that the grass is always greener on the other side, and to spread yourself out there as much as possible. So what if you have met a guy and discovered that he’s still ‘shopping around’ online?
According to Evan Marc Katz at Advice from a Single Dating Expert, “Online dating is truly a levelling of the playing field – not a tilting in the man’s favour. And the more desirable the person – whether it’s because of looks or money or education – the more likely that you’re gonna have a hard time getting that person to settle down on you. They most likely know that they have great power and are intent on exploring it.”
He suggests that women should combat the uncomfortable situation of knowing that their guy is sniffing around online by “…not sweating it. You can’t control what anybody else does, you can only control your actions and reactions to things.” He also suggests that women should “go in with the confidence that they’re going to love you and they’re more likely to love you. The more you worry about how often he’s logging on, and who else he’s dating, and why he hasn’t taken his profile down, the more likely you are to come across as needy.”
Now whilst I can appreciate to an extent why he has drawn this conclusion - after all, if you had your opportunity to have your cake and eat it, you would - it really does fail to address the core issue with being with a man who still has an active online dating profile and is continuing to fill his boots and shop around.
He is keeping his options open and if he’s doing that he cannot be emotionally available, and he can’t be making the appropriate effort to give your relationship a chance. You’re not needy for not wanting to be one in a long line of women – You’re a woman with good self-esteem that doesn’t want to be messed around. It is tedious and boring when men use ‘needy’ to absolve themselves of having to do the decent thing. All of a sudden, she’s needy and he has legitimised his dubious behaviour. Are you really being needy by saying that you’re not comfortable with the online equivalent of cruising?
And of course there is an even bigger question - What is the frigging difference between shopping around online and shopping around in a bar? You can be damn sure if he was sniffing around a bar, trying to pick up other women, you should most definitely be sweating it.
Guys who shop around online whilst still dating or hunting are trying you out before they buy. It gives their ego’s the reassurance that they’ve still got ‘it’, that they’re still ‘out there’, and they’re not ‘tied down’. Surely if a guy has met a woman in the real world and has the opportunity to forge a relationship with her, why is he still actively pursuing women in the virtual world?
Whilst you’re not ‘sweating it’, he’s rationalising that his virtual activity is separate to his real world activity, so he doesn’t even have to take any responsibility for how his actions may affect you.
When it comes to men, you shouldn’t like sharing (unless that’s your thang) and if you’re in search of a relationship that has a view to developing into a committed long-term relationship, you shouldn’t be prepared to turn a blind eye to his wandering keyboard fingers. Just because you have options, doesn’t mean that you have to exercise them. The online dating playing field appears to present people with options but what it’s actually doing is keeping people further away from committed relationships whilst they keep their eye out for something bigger and better because there seems to be infinite choice. But there’s no point in having a multitude of choice if you never actually make a choice instead of keeping one eye over your shoulder in search of a newer, shinier model that might tick all of your boxes.
If you’re going to be with a guy that shops around online:
• Don’t commit to him because he clearly has not committed to you.
• Find out what his idea of shopping around is. For some guys it means having ‘communications’ (read: flirting) and for others it’s virtual sex, or even meeting up.
• Establish a cut off point. If he’s still doing it after you’ve gone from dating to being so-called exclusive, it’s time to leave him alone with his laptop.
• Cut him off and find a man who can focus his attention on you instead of behaving like a kid in a sweet shop.
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Ten Signs That He’s Mr Wrong
June 18, 2007 by NML · 4 Comments
1. You don’t introduce him to your nearest and dearest because you know they’ll hate him.
2. You only like him when he’s naked and having sex with you. As soon as he starts talking, you either try to silence him with sex or push him out the door.
3. You’re afraid to leave your valuables around him in case they mysteriously go for a wander. Forget carrying cash in your wallet and be careful of seeing your prized possessions in the window of the nearest pawn shop.
4. Responsibility is something that he thinks that other people do, hence he dodges working consistently, paying bills, and generally fending for himself.
5. He’s so tied up in his mothers apron strings, you think that he may actually still be attached to the umbilical cord.
6. He either habitually turns up late or doesn’t bother to show up at all. Obviously he doesn’t bother to call you and give you a heads up…
7. Your constantly coming up with reasons to justify your investment into the relationship. Despite the fact that he behaves like a jackass, you manage to find the good in his actions.
8. Your relationship is a one way street. You think you’re loves young dream whilst he thinks you’re the girl he calls up for a bit of fun and a shag when it suits him.
9. He has more baggage than Heathrow baggage reclaim and shows no sign of offloading any of it. Whether it’s excess baggage in the form of a girlfriend, wife, an addiction, or other serious issues, the guys constant problems are a pain in the ass.
10. He just doesn’t know how to respect you. Whether it’s your boundaries, your trust, your emotions, or the time and energy that you invest in the relationship, this guy just keeps crossing the line.
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A$$holes Really Do Have a Lot of Success
June 16, 2007 by NML · 7 Comments
There are two types of men that have a lot of dating success with the ladies - emotionally unavailable men and bad boys. When it comes to the latter, it does seem that the badder, the more of an a$$hole, the better. Many women really do thrive on being treated mean and kept keen, and just to prove it, a guy called Tucker Max has set up a website which is full of his sexual exploits with women who clearly are not perturbed by the fact that he is a self-confessed dickhead.
On the homepage he greets you with “My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole.
I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.”
This guy must have some serious lines because he really is not particularly special and I would imagine that for the type of liasons that he’s having, looks, charm, and sexual attraction must go a long way. Mind you, always remember that just like the way women have a way of underplaying how many men they’ve slept with, many men have a habit of exaggerating their number…
Even so, judging by the number of stories that he has, it seems that declaring yourself an a$$hole still works a charm with women, which is a crying shame. When will we ever learn?!
Read via Dating Dames
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Mixing Money & Men
June 15, 2007 by NML · 3 Comments
Years ago I descended to the depths of fluff brained woman when I dated a guy and ended up loaning him money that I never saw again. More than six years later, despite being very loved up with the boyf and the arrival of my new bambino, it still grates that I got suckered for my cash, but it taught me a very long lasting lesson that I wish many other women would grasp – If you have to start bankrolling your man and you’ve not even been together that long, I’d grab your handbag and make a run for it before you end up out of pocket.
I regularly get contacted by women who complain that they keep finding themselves in relationships where they end up either being the breadwinner or the financer of his lifestyle. They often end up being taken for a ride and wonder why they keep drawing in these money grabbers.
Like many things in life, if you have a habit of finding yourself at the same crime scene again and again, it’s time to start asking what you’re doing to contribute to the situation.
Often when women find themselves in this situation on the regular, it’s because they have either a Florence Nightingale habit where they like to ‘take care’ of their men, they have an often unacknowledged need to control their men, or they’re trying to buy love. Not one of these things means anything good, no matter how well intentioned and at some point, it is very likely that it will all end in tears.
It doesn’t matter that we no longer live in the Dark Ages and that we’re supposed to have equality amongst the sexes – We often don’t have that equality and on top of that, many men are still programmed to be providers and their ego’s will struggle to be on the receiving end of a woman’s financing. And just like when women accuse men of having expectations of them based on the fact that he’s the breadwinner, women are no different. Human nature can’t help but often put a little caveat there that if we provide the money, he should be for example, more loving, caring, accommodating, obedient, and any number of things. Plus in an odd twist, many women subconsciously want expect their men to be the provider so there is a clash of ideals and realities.
I always say that the male body is 75% water and the rest is penis and ego, which means that if your man is too comfortable with getting you to part with your hard earned cash, be very afraid. You’re in ‘player playa’ territory and in danger of turning into an accidental sugar mama. And trust me, no matter how good the sex is, even that will get stale and boring when you’re wondering when he’s going to stop looking for his ‘pocket money’ like Kevin the Teenager!
When you’re in a committed relationship with a man who is responsible, and you both have love, care, trust and a view to the long term, this money issue won’t rear its ugly head so much. However if money enters the equation when the relationship is unclear between both parties, there is a lack of commitment, there are already other issues at hand, the basis of the relationship or why she is giving the money, or why he is asking for it is dubious, you can only end up out of pocket both emotionally and financially.
It’s a massive leap of faith to trust someone enough to risk yourself and your emotions, never mind bring a financial decision into it. It is difficult to know sometimes whether you shelling out money is the right thing to do, but if you’re a woman who often makes dubious love choices, has vague relationships, or a penchant for attached or emotionally unavailable men, I would keep your purse under lock and key and decline the loan application.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim
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