Advice: How do I get ‘better’ at sex?

I’m 35 and have not had a sexual relationship for 6 years. Prior to that I had only had a few sexual partners, though one in my early twenties had been my partner of 3 years. In my mid twenties I explored my sexuality and had relationships with women. Since my late twenties I have ‘come back’ to heterosexuality, though it has always seemed more theoretical than anything else having not had a relationship nor sex for 6 years. A bad break up kept me out of the game for a long time but since I’ve moved on from that I just haven’t met anyone I’ve fancied and wanted to pursue a sexual relationship with. As a result, my self-esteem has taken a dive in recent years. (I know - it perpetuates the situation) I have had people interested in me during this time but I haven’t felt the same. However, I met someone 2 weeks ago, It was never going to be a serious relationship, he is much younger (27) and we have very little in common but we fancied each other, so why not have some fun.

We had sex for the first time on Fri and it was a disaster. I had not prepared myself (nor him!) for the fact that I would be so out of practice, inexperienced and not very good at all! It was embarrassing and a bit of a shock to me but I’ve since tried to get my head around it - of course I’m not going to be the great lover I imagined with so little practice under my belt! However, I’m now struggling self esteem wise again; When I embark on the next relationship, not only am I going to be thinking about the usual - am I interesting? Am I funny etc? But now - what happens when he discovers I’m crap in bed and totally inexperienced? Obviously the way to get better at something is to practice but I’ve never slept around, picked up in bars etc. The only sexual relationships I’ve had have been with people I care deeply about. During sex last Friday, the main problem for me was keeping the rhythm going so that we were moving together, I’d suddenly lose the pace or rhythm. Neither of us came and it was all a bit embarrassing. So, this may seem a ridiculous question but how can I get better at it without having to put myself through this embarrassment time after time. Is there anything I can practice on my own or do with the person I’m in bed with to help me? (He held my hips to help me move with him but it still didn’t work). A loving and understanding partner to help me, would obviously be the ideal solution, but in the absence of that is there anything I could do practically while I’m not in a relationship - other than sleeping around - or anything I can read that will help me? I’m open to any help and suggestions. Many Thanks.

NML says: OK, first of all, there is nothing wrong with not having had many sexual partners. There are many women who wouldn’t mind erasing their sexual past

For a start, put all thoughts about being crap in bed out the window and be realistic. You have only known this guy for two weeks and if you are the type of person (like many) that needs to get to know someone properly and feel connected, before you sexually connect, two weeks is unlikely to be enough time. Combine this with the apprehension you must have felt after not being in the saddle for a while and it’s no wonder that you wound up in your uncomfortable situation.

Rhythm is not always an automatic thing and in order to have rhythm, you both need to find a rhythm that works…together. If he ploughs on with his own rhythm instead of falling into one with you, of course you will become mismatched as you try to catch up. Connected, comfortable, passionate, sex requires patience, due care, feeling at ease, and of course attraction.

Do you understand what you like during sex? Whilst you may not have had much experience, it doesn’t stop you from knowing what turns you on? Think about what you enjoyed when you have had sex in the past? Do you masturbate? Do you understand your body?

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The Magic Number

The magic number is pretty much the number of people that you’ve slept with from the day you lost your virginity until this present moment. Now according to American Pie, the magic number differs drastically between men and women. They said that guys tend to exaggerate their number (so divide whatever they tell you by 3), while women tend to downplay their number (so multiply by 3). However, in my experience, I’ve actually found this formula to be utterly flawed and totally irrelevant.

For starters, you could have been with only a few people and yet had tons more sex with those few than someone who has slept with more people. You could have had a coterie of activity in your boudoir and yet manage to pull off the wide-eyed naiveté to a tee. He could have slept with over two dozen women, but still manages to suck badly in bed! Do one night stands even count?

Although some of you might be curious to know what the magic number for your significant other is, sometimes it’s better not to know. Why does it even matter? Is it just a way for you to classify their ’sluttiness’ or categorise them in your mind as an experienced lover? Is it going to change how you feel about him, his level of expertise? Is knowing the magic number going to amplify your antics in the bedroom in any way?

My response to that question would have to be, “Bad girls don’t kiss and tell,” with a mysterious smile and leave him wondering.

Vixen is the Deputy Editor of Baggage Reclaim. Check out her blog the Bad Girls Guide.

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Do guys care how many people you?ve slept with?

That would be a resounding yes. Call it ego, the other 25% that makes up men’s body’s after water, but most guys seem to have some level of discomfort about how many people their partner has slept with because they like to think they are the only one you’ve had, and failing that, the biggest and the best you’ve had. Due to our fear of repercussions and looking less like the virgin Mary to our beloved’s, most woman have some level of discomfort about saying exactly how many people they have slept with, which means that they’ll undercount to a number that suits their partners ears. Never fear ladies, he has probably inflated his number a little….

The guy likes to feel that you are ‘his’ as it is macho instinct which is ingrained into the male wiring. Now he can do two things with this instinct, which is to act on it and be an asshole with high expectations that his woman should either be a virgin or have slept with very few people. Or, he can have this instinct but keep it in check because in the real world, short of meeting a woman at 18, there tends to be a level of sexual history that has been gathered.

Where the double standard kicks in though, is that often a guy has racked up some big digits with sexual partners, but STILL thinks that his women should be holier than thou.

My take: Personally I don’t think that you should be discussing how many people you’ve slept with, because quite frankly, no matter what number either of you say beyond zero, or one, one or both of you won’t take the answers well. If you have had previous sexual partners, you should both be discussing things from a safe sex point of view (i.e. When were either of you last tested?) but I fail to see what knowing the ‘Magic Number’ is going to do for either one of you.

I think people have a tendency to fall into the honesty diarrhoea zone with relationships, where people think that being in a relationship means that you should spill the beans on every little iota of your life, and do it whilst you’re sitting on the toilet doing a #2 with the door open. Give me a break! You don’t have less of a relationship by not knowing exactly how many people your partner has slept with and I say ‘exactly’ because you can put two and two together and get four. You do find out through conversations when your partner lost their virginity and the exes that they have, so you can do the math without plugging their fingers into a lie detector and demanding answers.

Failing all of this, he who asks first, spills first. ‘Dems be the rules!

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The Magic Number-It’s Official-The Truth Isn’t Out There

Psychologist Norman R. Brown at the University of Michigan has done several studies on the discrepancy between the number of sexual partners reported by men and women.

In the recent web-based survey of 2,065 heterosexual non-virgins with a median age in their late 40s, women reported on average 8.6 lifetime sexual partners. The men claimed 31.9! Someone’s been telling some porkies!

Beyond proving that the truth and the penis just don’t seem to meet, it does seem that both sexes are fudging the truth because Brown decided to ask further on in the survey for respondents to rate the truthfulness of their response. Now the thing to bear in mind here is that the question wasn’t asked a few days later, it was a couple of minutes later and 5% of respondents said that they lied and a further 10% said that they knew that their answers weren’t accurate!

Do we really need those couple of minutes for our ego to be boosted? Are we so insecure that we can’t even be honest in a survey that doesn’t reveal who you are to the public?!

Seemingly the discrepancy is down to the method that we use to calculate how many people we’ve slept with. Women tend to use the ‘I just know’ method and reel off names, with men using a rough approximation.

Now we all know that women do tend to underestimate and ‘block out’ bad experiences or the cheeky shag that no-one else knows about, because they think it seems better to have a lower number. On the other hand guys are competitive and as usual it’s a numbers game and will overestimate or should we say grossly exaggerate their partners. Hence no wonder there is such a discrepancy between the numbers.

Apparently his next study will be done by phone to see if this makes a difference to the result. Something tells me it won’t….

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