Baggage Reclaim » The Single Life

45 Tips For Surviving Christmas/The Holidays Whether You’re Single, In a Relationship, No Contact or Broken Hearted

Natalie (NML) — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 22:22:13 +0000

1. In essence, it’s one day out of 365 or a few weeks out of the year when you add in the build up and festivities. I’m not saying it’s not a special time but it is a highly commercial time that puts a lot of pressure on people. Keep things in perspective.

2. Whoever you’re with or not with, this time of year often gives you some quality time. Spend it with someone you love, even if that someone is you. We use the Christmas to catch up with each other and our friends both together and separately, catch up on sleep (our daughters are early risers), to see friends and family, eat very well, and do stuff.

3. When I was single I made lots of plans, relationship or not, and even when I was in a relationship, I didn’t base the entirety of my plans on them. This relieved a lot of pressure. You’re not clones of each other or Siamese twins. You’re individual entities so you don’t have to spend every waking moment with them. Actually, this is the same no matter what time of year it is!

4. Single? Missing an ex? Broken hearted? Make plans. Seriously. Being single isn’t a death sentence or the horrendous time you pass between relationships and the fact of the matter is that if you end up feeling that your Christmas was ruined, it won’t be your exe’s fault, or whoever or whatever it is that you’re blaming – it will be yours.

5. If it’s your first Christmas, try not to over-’prescribe’ it and let things be. In fact whichever Christmas it is, don’t over-prescribe. You may end up creating great expectations or exerting too much pressure. Sometimes we create an image of how we think things should be and become so immersed in it, we forget to enjoy and appreciate what’s in front of us.

6. Set your own values about Christmas. It doesn’t matter what Tom, Dick, Harry and Samantha are doing. Judge and decide your own way of celebrating the season because if you try to keep up with others, you will never be happy.

7. Whatever your relationship status, treat yourself to something nice. I always do!

8. I hate to say it but be prepared for exes to creep out of the woodwork with dumb texts, even sillier emails, calls to test the water to see if you’re interested, and maybe even some protestations of how much they have changed. Tis the season for nostalgia. When people get lonely, especially unavailables and assclowns and remember the last time someone idolised them, ignored their blatant red flag behaviour and gave them a shag, an ego stroke and a shoulder to lean on, they hastily head for the path of least resistance. Don’t let that be you.

9. Things getting tense about which family you’ll spend Christmas with? Find a compromise you both can live with. It’s as simple as this year it’s X and next year it’s Y.

10. The other way to resolve the family at Christmas issue is to have your own Christmas together and see your respective families on the day afterwards. You have to create your own traditions and experiences and your families also need to respect your wishes. Neither of you are children anymore. Seeing them the following day etc doesn’t mean you love them any less.

11. Don’t get back with an ex because you hate the idea of not being with someone for Christmas. Unless the reasons why you broke up no longer exist (and not just because you blotted them out and came up with your own fantasy), those reasons will not change because it’s tinsel time. This is not a Christmas rom com movie!

12. Please state the nature of your call. Ok you don’t have to say it like that, but if your ex calls and you answer, you need to get a definitive answer to the question of ‘Why are you calling me?’. If they say that they miss you, make sure you ask exactly what this means too. Missing you and I want to get back together are two entirely different things.

13. Do not let your vagina or penis make your decisions for you this Christmas, or anytime for that matter. I know you can get horny and think that your ex or that person from your office or whoever is just the thing to give you a boost, but just be careful of acting off your libido and being left with a long lasting hangover.

14. No drunk dialling, dropped calls, emails to ‘see how they are’, calls to see how they’re doing, or sending an ‘innocent’ Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas/Happy New Year text. All of these actions are attention seeking and ways of re-opening contact.

15. If you’re a rubbernecker and they’re on Facebook and they’ve moved on to someone else, don’t spend your time stalking the site for pictures to show up of them enjoying yourself. Talk about punishing yourself! Go out and enjoy yourself and create your own new memories and pictures.

16. If you’re with someone who has previously disappointed you by not buying you a gift and you’re now working yourself up into a lather wondering if they’re going to do it again, I would expect that they are going to unless something very drastic has happened since the last time. A lot of people take this attitude of ‘Well I shouldn’t have to say why’ or ‘I shouldn’t have to ask’ but setting yourself up for disappointment and thinking that they don’t care isn’t a pleasant alternative. It’s time for you to have a calm, rational discussion so you can understand why they do it and they can understand your hurt and disappointment.

17. Be safe with contraception if you don’t want to welcome a baby next September.

18. Are you involved with someone who is attached? Don’t spend all of the holidays checking your phone for text messages/emails/phone calls or spending it an anticipation of a snatched moment. Don’t revolve your everything around them – they’re not revolving it around you. Basically make other plans.

19. Please, I beg you, don’t spend the entire time waiting for an ex to call. Doing this is like continuing the relationship albeit in your head on some alternate universe. It doesn’t make sense for you to play the waiting game while they go on their merry way enjoying their life.

20. Don’t use the season as an opportunity to try to pressure an engagement, wedding or baby out of someone. Seriously, it’s just Christmas. Stop getting so carried away!

21. If you’re getting really irritated because it feels like you’re doing everything to prepare for the festivities, either delegate or roll back your efforts. It’s no fun if it doesn’t feel fun and you end up being resentful too.

22. It’s not all about the gift. Staying with someone just to see what you get is not a reason to hang on!

23. Don’t go overboard and make demands about what you should get and about what may or may not happen if people fail to get what you want. It’s really unpleasant to be around people that behave in this way and you suck the fun out of people buying you gifts.

24. Remember you may have different values and beliefs about Christmas which means that you need to find a solution that you can both live with. If one of you isn’t big on Christmas, there shouldn’t be an expectation that the other should be like you and vice versa if one of you is crazy about the season. My stepfather hates Christmas and can be really bah humbug about the whole thing but he made a huge effort each year. Now that we’re all grown up (OK and he’s not with my mum anymore), he doesn’t bother with any fanfare although he gets gifts for my daughters. The point – sometimes it’s good not to be selfish/a party pooper.

25. If you’re thinking about breaking up, it’s best to stop thinking about it and either break up or get on with enjoying your Christmas. If you’re not sure that you want to break up and suspect that you may kneejerk back to the relationship after Christmas, do the person you’re with a favour and keep it zipped so that your flip flapping doesn’t put them through hell.

26. Do NOT leave it till the last minute to either break up or change shared plans. It’s a really shitty thing to do and you will blindside them and have the flailing around having to make alternative arrangements.

27. Know your relationship is on the rocks but insisting on keeping it together for Christmas? Really it’s the difference between a crap Christmas or a crap New Year – you’re putting off the inevitable.

28. If you have kids, it’s not nice to break up at Christmas as they will always associate it with the demise of your relationship. Trust me, I know so many people whose parents did just that and Christmas was never the same again.

29. If you do break up with someone, don’t continue to screw up their Christmas by screwing with their mind. Don’t call/email/text etc them so you can feel better. Don’t hit them up for sex. It’s not a crime for breaking up and/or not wanting to pretend but it’s an assclown thing to do to put your ego first. Don’t just think about your feelings – consider theirs.

30. If you’re dating and you haven’t made concrete plans by now, I would have a plan B. Especially when it’s early days with dating, it’s a lot of pressure on a relationship to have expectations for grand gifts or spending the entire holidays together. Let it be. Which brings me neatly to…

31. Don’t use Christmas to rush your relationship further along than it actually is. Seriously. If you use the season to have expectations or even make demands that don’t have the relationship experience and the emotions that reflect them, you will do medium to long-term damage to your relationship and create questions and panic in the other person.

32. Feeling anxious about Christmas with a partner as there’s a question mark over it? Six magic words: What are your plans for Christmas? The only reason we don’t ask questions is because we’re afraid of what we may hear or confirming what we know to be true. The fact is, you need to know.

33. Love is not being with someone who knows exactly what you want. You’re not the same person. If this is your first Christmas or there are some possible opportunities for confusion over the level of gift buying that is taking place, talk. You don’t need to suck the fun out of things but I know a lot of people, especially in the current economic climate that set an upper limit for gifts. I know other couples who save their energy for shopping in the new years sales.

34. Don’t use the season as an opportunity to try to pressure an engagement, wedding or baby out of someone. The festivities do end and you may be left with the sour taste of resentment to put up with next year.

35. Don’t reject the offer of plans with friends, family, and acquaintances because you don’t want to appear ‘lonely’ or ‘desperate’. There is such a thing as having too much pride and/or punishing yourself. It’s one thing if you are genuinely happy in your own company and want to be on your own but if you do want company, don’t reject it over how you might appear.

36. Tempted to get in contact with an ex? Hold that thought for at least 24 hours. List the reasons why you’re getting in touch and ensure that they are not short-term reasons but medium to long-term reasons that are evidence based. i.e Don’t get in touch because you hope they’ve changed or that they will if you take them back.

37. Seriously, don’t buy a gift for your ex or send them a card. You’ll just look weird.

38. If you fall off the wagon, dust yourself off and get back on it. Don’t wallow. You sucked, you saw, learn your lesson and move on.

39. Worried about ‘under spending’ on a first Christmas? Have a spare present hidden away that you can say ‘surprise!’. You can always return it if you don’t need to use it. Or surprise ‘em anyway!

40. It’s not the price of the gift that counts, it’s the thought. Saying that though, if there is no ‘thought’ given to the gift, that says a lot too.

41. This time of year can be a test of your boundaries, particularly with family/friends who may take liberties and make demands. It’s up to you to work out what you want to say yes and no to, but recognise that if you don’t assert your boundaries and where appropriate, look for solutions for compromise, you’re going to feel very frustrated, resentful, and even angry. You cannot please everyone.

42. If you’re no contact, keep busy and have options for what you can do when you feel bored so that you don’t look to your ex as a solution for the boredom. Have friends and family on call so you don’t look to your ex as a solution for loneliness. Have a list of the reasons why you’re NC as a solution for feeling nostalgic.

43. This time of year is really tough when you miss someone or you feel awful because it feels like they don’t miss you. We want people to care, to regret, to miss us. It’s understandable but be careful of being hijacked by these feelings and being compelled to chase them for a sign of their affection so that you can feel less ‘rejected’. It doesn’t mean someone doesn’t miss you if they don’t get in touch – they may know that the ship has sailed or are respecting your wishes because they know they can’t give you what you want. And sadly, they may miss you but it may not be for reasons you would like… Renew your focus on your own life.

44. If you’re no contact/broken hearted/not spending Christmas with someone, put yourself on a diet – this means setting yourself the task of focusing your thoughts and conversation on everything but them from the 24th-26th. Or choose a longer or shorter period but do at least a day.

45. Use the festive season to give yourself the gift of forgiveness and a clean slate. There is no benefit to you to sit there beating yourself up about your relationship choices. You’re human, you screw up, and either trust too much or trust in the wrong things instead of the right things. Spending the holidays blaming and shaming is of no benefit to you. You can’t change what’s happened but you can ensure that you counteract what has happened by treating yourself better and learning more about you and your choices so that you can avoid going down the same path. Knowledge is power. Forgiveness is power and I’ll put it this way – if you can forgive a guy so easily, you should certainly be able to cut yourself some slack!

Your thoughts? How are you handling things?

Image credit: Juliaf SXC

Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.

Be a Happy Single

Natalie (NML) — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 18:48:01 +0000

If you really are going to be a happy single, you have to stop treating being single as the annoying time that you pass between relationships and embrace it. Rather than focusing on what you lack, focus on what you have: You.

One of the dangers of treating singledom as if it is a great misfortune, is that you are likely to set yourself up for a bad relationship. If you’re so desperate to lose your single status, it most definitely clouds your judgment and also allows negativity, insecurity and fear to be the drivers of your interactions and decisions. I can most definitely guarantee, that until YOU are happy with YOU, independent of anybody else, you will find it difficult to be happy with someone else. Whatever you do, never rely on someone else to be the reason for your happiness and the basis of your existence, because God help you if something changes or they’re having an off day, week, month or year. Don’t put the responsibility for your happiness in the hands of someone who doesn’t even exist yet. Make it your responsibility to be happy.

1. Do things on your own

Many people fear being single, especially because the idea of doing things on their own, having to spend time in their own company fills them with dread. Do basic things like going to a cafe or restaurant on your own, or try going to the movies. Trust me, no-one gives a monkeys that you’re on your own there; as humans we’re very self-involved, not staring at you making judgments.

2. Spend quality time at home

Make your space your own. Surround yourself with things that you love and make sure that everytime you put your foot over the threshold, you’re going home to a place where you can chill. I used to love reading, watching DVDs and defining my home to my tastes when I was single and when people would stay, much as I loved their company, I loved being by myself again.

3. Live for now, not the pipe dreams of the future

Living the type of life you desire should not be something reserved for when you are in a relationship. You
are a unique individual with your own goals and dreams that you should be working to regardless. Stop pondering what it’ll be like when it’s the future and you have the relationship, house and 2.4 children and enjoy your reality and make it your own.

4. If you have bad habits, sort them out

I don’t mean leaving the washing in the washing machine for so long it smells, I mean bad relationship habits. Get to know you and understand who you are and why you may have made certain relationship decisions and get a handle on where you want to be. Saying that you want happiness and a relationship is one thing, but you’d be surprised at how your relationship choices are blocking you from the very thing you claim to want.

5. Clean out your emotional closet

Everyone has a little baggage but if you’re carrying enough to fill up a baggage terminal, you will struggle to be happy alone, or in a relationship. Get closure, forgive, learn and move on. Make sure that you’re not allowing a pattern to take hold because you haven’t dealt with any underlying issues.

6. Have a direction

Even if you don’t look it ever again or for a long time, do a list of your short, medium and long term goals as it gives you a surprising amount of clarity about what you are looking to achieve. I did this a couple of years ago and I realised that certain things were important to me, and I made a point of going after what I wanted as it gives you a sense of purpose and accomplishment.

7. Fine-tune your filters

I listened to a lot of sh*te when I was single and it took a long time before I realised that some friends, family, other peers and society in general project their own fear of what being single means to them onto you. I found that I really enjoyed being single when I told certain people to zip it and developed the hide of a rhino for everyone else. It’s not easy but it becomes easier, the more secure you are about yourself and your lifestyle choices. You’ll believe anything that is said to you if you feel like sh*t and have low self esteem. And if there are certain friends that can’t seem to be around you without belittling your life, don’t hang with them.

8. Nurture your other relationships

People that resent being single are the very people that sideline friends, family and work when a new man comes along. Ramp up your social life, reconnect with your friends, and create and define your social life, obviously leaving room for some quality time with you!

9. Keep a Feelings Diary

If you do date, keep a feelings diary. You don’t need to write an essay, but jot down notes on how you feel when you’re around the person and when you’re on your own. It is an eye opening experience and I’ve had readers emailing me telling me that they had seen themselves and their interactions in whole new light, and ended it with unsuitable guys. You know it’s not right when you recognise that you’re happier on your own, and ultimately, it’s about feeling good about yourself, whether you’re single or coupled up.

Remember, like everything, it takes work to have a good relationship with yourself but if you put the effort in, not only will you reap the rewards, but you will actually redefine your lifestyle choice as something positive

Vixen’s Guide to: Having a Night In

Vixen — Wed, 08 Mar 2006 06:37:40 +0000

Every woman needs a night at home with just herself, recharging her batteries and catching up on things that are important to her. It’s very easy to get caught up in the constant social whirl that is our free time, maintaining our friendships, catering to hobbies, learning new tasks and balancing work and family. However, on a regular basis,
every woman should just have a night in, all to herself.
This article is inspired by our darling Editor NML and her evening in boudoir knickers. There are several elements that I need to have a proper night in. I’ve made it a regular thing every single Friday night. I plan no events, schedule no plans and do everything and
anything I want to my hearts content.

For starters, I take a nice, long shower. Not the 5 minute showers we manage during a busy week but a decent, looooong shower where I wash and condition my hair, shave and stay under the rivulets until my skin feels baby soft. I use nice smelling shower gel and shampoo (the good stuff that I normally save for special occasions). Most women prefer having nice long baths, but I’ll pick a shower over a bath any day.

Moving right along, once out of the shower, I dry off and stand in front of the mirror,
admiring my body from every angle. I love every inch, the curves, the stretch marks, the tiny imperfections that others may think are flaws but I think are unique. I look at my body in the mirror for a while, just admiring everything I see. I dance naked and watch myself jiggle and bounce, smiling as I trail my fingers over everything, applying my
ridiculously expensive and utterly decadent lotion from Frederick’s.

I slip into my boudoir knickers and a cotton T. My CD player is usually emitting my favourite songs of the week, mostly R&B with some oldies thrown in. Make your own mix CD or put the radio on to a cool blues station.

After drying my hair, I tend to my nails. I do my own everything, polishing, buffing and shaping. To me, it’s as therapeutic as getting it done at the salon and way cheaper. Usually, while I’m painting I am either on the phone with a close friend or flipping through the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. By the time my nails
are dry, I’m in a super mellow mood.

Enter the Moscato, a sweet wine that warms my insides. It feels like a massage from the inside out. I lay in bed, working on my photo album, writing in my journal or reading a book. My best friend likes to sketch and draw during her night in. Choose your hobby, something that lets you express yourself and focus on that.

A night in is all about YOU, what YOU want to do it, when YOU want to do it. Don’t let external pressures intrude on your time alone, just enjoy and savour every minute of it. You learn so much about yourself just by being introspective and reflective.

Learn to love yourself. It’s only then that you can love another.

Valentine’s Day Can Kiss My

Natalie (NML) — Mon, 23 Jan 2006 21:35:29 +0000

I’ve never made it a secret about my loathing of Valentine’s day. It’s not because I’m anti-couples or anti-love, and it’s certainly not because I’m single. Truthfully, I think that Valentine’s day is a cheesy load of sh*t which benefits the retailer but puts single people and people that are in relationships under a ridiculous pressure. There are 365 days in the year and I find it hard to believe that people get their knickers in their twist over displaying their love on just one of those days.

I have been watching people going lula over Valentine’s since I was a kid. I remember the immense pressure we were all under at five years bloody old to have a Valentine’s card and how kids that didn’t get one would get teased. When it got to my teens it was just ridiculous. Girls in a depression or getting all hysterical because they haven’t had a card. Worse still was the smug b*tch that had to tell everyone that she’s had ten cards (she’d probably written them all to herself).

As an adult I have found that Valentine’s in a relationship is stressful. Seeking out a present for a partner on Valentine’s is stressful because I feel under pressure to come up with something sentimental, that epitomises the Valentine’s day feeling, but everything in the shops just appears to be cheesy sh*t churned out for mugs like me. Guys aren’t even into Valentine’s day. They’re not widely ecstatic about getting Valentine’s gifts because they’re a bit bewildered by what the big friggin deal is in the first place. They’ve probably been reminded fifty times by their partner and there have been ominous threats of the relationship coming to an abrupt end if it’s forgotten.

When I think back to all of the Valentine’s gifts that I have given or received, most have been consigned to the bottom draw – dodgy underwear, fluffy handcuffs, love cheques, teddy bears, shot glasses with love messages.

When I see women getting into a tizz over this day, I think we forget sometimes that we live in the real world where some of us seem to have a penchant for dickheads. Some of these dickheads even make it to boyfriend status but I think that I should remind those of you that do get antsy about Valentine’s Day: If he’s a dickhead, he will still be one at the beginning and end of Valentine’s day. All that money that we spend, all of the sentiments don’t fix a damn thing and whatever insecurities that we do have about our relationships doesn’t fade with a gift, card or flowers.

It is January and already I’m seeing all sorts of marketing going on for it. It seems that each year they start earlier, feeding into the public subconscious, into the insecurities so that people are already thinking ahead or wondering what they should do for the special day. I have no idea what I will be doing February 14th 2006 and I won’t be fretting about it. Can you believe that people are already making plans?! Maybe I’ll be with somebody, maybe I won’t, but either way, Valentine’s day and Hallmark can kiss my arse.

Last year, I declared ‘F*ck Valentine’s Day’ and brought myself a nice treat just because it was a Monday and I felt like it. I like the freedom that it brings and I have vowed that when I am with someone, I won’t be one of those women that goes on about Valentine’s day and nags about gifts and stuff like that. This year, Baggage Reclaim will be taking the alternative view of Valentine’s and I suggest that if you’re looking for 101 ways to sex your unavailable man on Valentine’s day or suggestions for slushy gifts, it may be best to skip on to another site. Like a lot of topics on this site, Valentine’s will be treated with humour and a dose of bitchiness where necessary, and even if we do talk gifts or suggestions, brace yourself for something cheeky or rude!

The Smell of Fear – Why I’ve Got To Be Optimistic About Meeting ‘The One’

Natalie (NML) — Tue, 11 Oct 2005 23:18:50 +0000

Last year I went on a date with a guy who didn’t exactly set my world alight with a lack of anything in common combined with a lack of chemistry, and the following night I attended a thirtieth birthday party in a so-called trendy bar, which was barren of any totty – Nothing remotely attractive, nobody personable and the most frightening collection of shirts I have ever come across in a bar full of men.

What did I do when I realised that there were no apparent prospects in sight? I didn’t attach myself to the nearest married man. I kicked back and had a laugh with my mates. I thought this was generally the case, until I got talking to a group of women who were older than me, and single.

They literally scoured every inch of space in the room to confirm that a potential husband wasn’t in sight, and then regaled me with the tales of all the exes, near marriages, and disastrous dates. My mates and I thought the stories were hilarious, and even threw in a few ourselves, but by the end of the night, an uneasiness had settled in, which none of us seemed to be able to vocalise.

As I slipped under the covers to go to sleep, it suddenly hit me full force, and I admit I felt a bit nauseous. Those women could be me and my friends in a few years time! And this begs the question: Should I hide behind the pillow for this scary movie called Finding the Elusive Mr Right, or should I remain optimistic and do my best to watch it and enjoy it with the occasional duck behind the pillow?

I, and most of my female friends feel that we have got plenty offer to a guy who wants to go the distance with us. While like most women, we have our insecurities, things we’d rather not see in the mirror, quirks, and of course faults, we haven’t lost the optimism yet.

For a few moments I considered calling the guy from the night before, who I had nothing in common with and no chemistry and then chastised myself for even thinking of it. Yet I was scared following my encounter with these women, and I’ll admit that my optimism faltered, if not downright collapsed temporarily! I started out in my early teens kissing boys at the local disco. I’ve had boyfriends, tears, joy, great sex, relationships, and I can say that I have had one great love, even if I lost it. But I am fast approaching the big three zero, and it suddenly feels a bit exhausting, and I want to get off the treadmill.

I realise that I may take it for granted that I will, meet the right guy, get married, and have my first kid by the time I’m thirty. While I don’t believe that everything will be perfect (my family are extremely loveable, but dysfunctional, but mine), I believe that all of these things are in my future. And with my rapidly advancing age (!), they can’t be too far around the corner!

But this is where it gets frightening. Most of those women thought this way, until reality kicked their asses, and they woke up and found themselves fast approaching forty, and no closer to the dream, than I am to marrying Morris Chestnut. Even the most die hard optimist will feel uneasy with that prospect.

Following a fitful night of sleep, I discussed my thoughts with the friends I’d been out with, and it seems that we were all thinking the same thing. The women that we’d spoken to were outgoing, attractive, professional, independent women who seemed to have personalities and that don’t look like they should be struggling to settle with a man. When these opinions are transferred back to ourselves, the prognosis doesn’t look good!

Well I am still optimistic, and although I do feel a little tired, and many women feel really tired, I believe that part of getting what we want is reliant on our optimism. Although easier said than done, if we are trying to be happy and comfortable with ourselves, and projecting negativity and pessimism, we will invite negativity into our lives.

We live, love, lose, but we also win. For whatever reasons, the men that have come and gone in our lives are not the ones, or the ones right now. As long as we are learning and growing from each of our experiences with the opposite sex, I believe that we will get to the finishing line one day.

My Shade of Grass is Just Fine!

Natalie (NML) — Mon, 10 Oct 2005 19:28:46 +0000

I realise that I’m a singleton, when my love life or lack of it, is providing hilarity to my work colleagues and married friends, and comfort to my fellow singleton friends. Yes, there are other indicators that I am single, such as an empty space beside me when I wake up in the morning, the looks that attached women give me when I am in the vicinity of their men, my mother bending my ear sometimes daily about the possibility of being left on the shelf, and the fact that almost all of my close friends that are the same age as me are married, married with children, engaged, or in a relationship that will probably lead to all of those things.

I went home last Christmas and got straight on the phone to one of my closest friends. We caught up on all of the gossip and made plans to meet up, and I commented that I was glad that at least she was single like me and could keep me company on the round of evenings with the ‘Couples’. This was greeted with an uncomfortable silence, followed by, “I thought you knew that I’m seeing somebody. We’ve been together for a while.” I then listened to a glowing report on the gifts and shared moments of their relationship. I felt like I had been kicked in the teeth. Who was going to play with me on my visit home? Even more worrying, what the hell was my mother going to say now?

Many singletons can relate to my plight. One of the cumbersome tasks of daily life has now become fielding enquiries from my mother about men and when I’m going to get married. Every single day of any visit to my mothers is an opportunity for her to lobby me on meeting a man, buying a house and having a baby. This is from the same woman that wanted me to be on my own for as long as possible so that I could appreciate me following the break-up from my ex-fiance.

Now I wouldn’t be remotely surprised if she has got posters up all over Dublin saying, “Man wanted to marry my daughter. All offers considered. Must be willing to have a child within one year.”

My mother was in a car crash last year, and was very lucky to escape with minimal injuries despite her car being a total write-off, and having to be cut from the car. Naturally we were all relieved that she had minimal lasting injuries, and at first I was worried that maybe she was not letting on how unwell she may be, but my fears were soon calmed by a phone conversation with her. Apparently she realises how lucky she has been and thinks God is watching over her. She said that after the accident she had thought, “Oh my God. If I had died, you kids would have been orphans!” This is bearing in mind the fact that both our father and stepfather are alive and well. Her next comment was confirmation that she was just fine. “And then I thought, oh my gosh, I would have died without grandchildren. When I’m going to get grandchildren?”

Surely if I could just magic a man, house, kids out of thin air there would be no such thing as a singleton? I’m only twenty-eight years old. Is there really a cause for concern?

While it would be nice to meet a guy who had the prospects of potentially being long term, I have no room for a chump in my life. Harsh as that may sound, why would I choose to purposefully wear out my brain with a worthless man when I can be by myself or continue to date? I am fortunate that I am surrounded by great family and friends. I’ve always known that they were there, but I realised just how lucky I am when my relationship with my ex-fiance broke up, and I had to pick up the pieces of my life. Between my job, social life, family, and time to myself I have a very full week. If I’m to allow a man into my life again in terms of an actual relationship, they must share the same values, and have qualities that make for a strong relationship. I will only adjust my life if I truly think that a man is worth it.

I have lived on my own for over two years, and while it’s not a permanent thing, I love it, and I think that every woman should have the opportunity to live by herself. It’s great to not have to worry about what somebody else thinks and just do things for you. Living on your own if you’re single can highlight your singledom like nothing else though.

I always realise I’m single when I need to hump something heavy up the stairs, fix something, put something from Ikea together, make dinners for one (almost always wastage), or when I’m unwell. When I get home late there’s nobody to give me a cuddle or waiting up for me. On the other hand when I come home with seven pairs of shoes, I don’t have to pretend that some of them were already there, or that something cost less than it did. I can watch what I like, when I like, and football and cricket scores are the least of my concerns. I don’t have to be tarted up constantly and if I feel like turning my bikini line into a jungle I can (although I wouldn’t). I go to sleep with the TV on, iron my clothes naked or in my knickers in the mornings, and luxuriate in me time.

Yes sometimes it’s not ideal, but for me it’s bloody great and when I look at my attached friends who appear as if they need an operation to be separated from their partners, I pat myself on the back for living my life the way that I want to. In years to come, I’ll barely be able to snatch a moment beneath the piles of kids clothing to iron and skid marks to wash out of my future husbands boxers (couldn’t resist the wisecrack), I can comfort myself that I didn’t do it a day too soon, that I got wise about the dipsticks that I kept finding myself with, that I’ve had lots of me time, and that I have no regrets.

Don’t knock being single and don’t assume the grass is greener on the other side, and that couples have it better, because each lifestyle brings its own rewards and issues. In the meantime, while you’re single, revel in being you, get to know you, and make sure that you love who you are. When you do make the transition to meals for two from meals for one, you’ll find that you make better choices about who you end up in a relationship with and give your time to, and that you’re more in touch with that you want out of your relationships. See, being single has lots of benefits!

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