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The 10 Commandments of No Strings Sex

If you’re not getting yours then you’re not doing it right.

This is all about you and this is the type of sex where you don’t need to worry about who come’s first or his wants. You’re not developing a relationship here – you are supposed to be getting laid good and proper. Obviously don’t go falling in love with him just because he gave you an orgasm!

Save the drama for your friends.

A booty call, no strings arrangement, whatever you want to call it, is for S.E.X. It’s not for chit-chat. It’s not for him to play armchair psychologist and he doesn’t need to say all of the things that you would expect from a boyfriend. If you do this, I have to ask – Why bother?

Easy on the verbal diarrhoea

Women do have a terrible habit of Women Who Talk Too Much syndrome which means that in an effort to come across as though we don’t give a shit, we end up saying that we just want him for sex, it’s just for one night, and go into a rather long winded explanation about why they are having no strings sex. Total. Waste. Of. Time. Likewise, there is no need to say you won’t call him again after you shag him. Just don’t!

Be in control of the contraception

Don’t expect him to turn up with a condom. Make sure you always carry your own and if you’re on the pill, it’d be a good idea to remember to take it… This is one of those situations where I really don’t recommend bareback!

Don’t expect post-coital affection

This is not an episode of the Care Bears. He doesn’t need to cuddle you, talk to you or dissect the shag session. If he chooses to be affectionate, it’s a bonus but it doesn’t mean that you should jump to conclusions that he wants more than just sex. He may just be very good at soothing the female ego….

Out of sight/Out of Mind

The whole idea of having no strings sex is that you’re not supposed to expend lots of mental energy about what he’s doing right now, whether he’s thinking about you, when you’ll see him next, does he fancy you and bla, bla, bla. It’s a physical thing and whilst there’s nothing wrong with patting yourself on the back for getting some great sex, there is something wrong with analysing the crap out of the guy and the sex.

Don’t Interrogate

Why do you need to know how many women he has the arrangement with? How many women he has slept with? Are you one in a long line? Who cares!!!!???!!! As long as you are engaging in safe sex and he is unattached, that is ALL you need to know. Please don’t shine a torch in his face and demand answers or get all pissy when he does give you answers! Don’t ask!

Did I mention he should be unattached?

You would expect this to be a given but you’d be surprised at how many women shag attached men. It’s not no-strings sex if he has a girlfriend or wife! Tell the greedy bastard to get lost and find a man that doesn’t have complicated ties elsewhere.

Choose the appropriate prey and be clear about the terms

Use your judgement skills. Choosing a playa makes the whole thing a lot easier. Choosing Mr Nice Guy who has always wanted to go out with you is just plain foolish. Have the uncomfortable conversation before you get down to things, not afterwards when he’s wondering why you crept out in the early hours or won’t return his calls. You’ll find that the arrangement is a lot easier to discuss and arrange with a playa than it is with Mr Nice Guy. Likewise, steer clear of exe’s. I can guarantee that one person will have more attachment than the other!

It is OK to say ‘No’ to things that you aren’t comfortable with but it’s also OK to get freaky and experiment

This is your time to be uninhibited and try out new moves if this is what floats your boat. That said though, if you don’t want to be whipped, an anal sex tester, handcuffed, strangled, do a threesome, have or give oral sex, whatever…you don’t have to. Do however make an effort and don’t lie there like a sack of potatoes as that’s no fun for you OR for him. You can lie there like a sack of potatoes any day of the week but it’s not what no strings sex is for.

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim

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Valentine’s…Yawn

I really do feel for people at this time of year because whether you’re single or attached, you’re absorbing some sort of messaging about the Hallmark drama that is Valentine’s day. If you’re attached, you might be getting your knickers in a twist wondering what to do, where to go and what to buy for the occasion and if you’re single, you could be worrying about your singledom or trying to force yourself into a date with someone just to have someone for the ‘great event’. Either way, if you let it, next Wednesday could become a headache of migraine proportions.

For anybody who enjoys the day, knock yourselves out, but for the rest that don’t, remember what Valentine’s is about. It is a Hallmark commercial holiday that celebrates love. Like Christmas, some of us are in danger of forgetting the sentiment behind the holiday. After all, what’s the point in creating all the drama over the day if you forget to enjoy loving and being loved?

Whilst I’m all up for making someone feel special, there are 364 other days in the year and if you’re in a relationship, you should be making an effort to celebrate your love as often as possible. It doesn’t have to be celebrated in a Hallmark way with a big gesture - a combination of miniature, small, medium and large gestures over the course of the relationship is just fine. Personally I’ll take a man that makes me feel loved every day of the year than someone who rolls out the red carpet of love occasionally.

And if you’re single, I’d focus on a bit of self-love. Celebrate the fact that you love yourself dearly and you’re not spending it with some plonker who isn’t worthy of your time. And if that self-love isn’t that high at the moment, I’d focus on finding some before your lack of it finds you in the arms of someone who might give you a headache for 365 days of the year…

Also read:

Valentine’s Day Can Kiss My Ass

10 Reason’s Why You Shouldn’t Let Valentine’s Day Stress You

10 Naughty Things To Do on V-Day

Happy Valentine’s Day

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AOL asks: Is first date sex wrong?

My thoughts on first date sex are: Unless you want to have just the one date, I would avoid getting the knickers down on the first date. My only exception and even then I would be cautionary is if you knew the person very well. And I know how people love to look for loopholes, so having oral sex or a spot of heavy petting is exactly the same thing! It’s not about it being wrong as it’s different strokes (literally) for different folks, but in most cases, getting naked will set the tone and potentially kill off a possible relationship.
AOL has launched a new video series called ‘The Pulse’ and for the first one it has posed the question of whether first date sex is wrong and naturally the responses are varied, but even more interesting are the comments. Last I heard it takes two to tango and I laughed out loud at this comment, “I think a person should be able to do what they want. However, society do not agree. Women who have sex on the first date are viewed as EASY.”– REDHEADANDSHORT

What about MEN who have sex on the first date?! Are they not easy too or are they just supposed to be patted on the back and lauded for being a stud?

The cold reality is that most guys, even if they are going to think you’re a slut after you sleep with them on the first date, won’t do the decent thing and not sleep with you. I asked a guy why he slept with the girl if he knew he’d lose interest because she put out so easily. “Well I wasn’t going to turn down sex….” But he doesn’t mind making her feel worthless afterwards by knocking her for doing something that he was just as willing to do….

Your thoughts?

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New Year, Ring in the Changes

Happy New Year to all of the readers of Baggage Reclaim. Thanks for your support of the blog and please keep visiting in 2007.

People will make a lot of noise about new years resolutions and rather than suggest you make some that you’ll no doubt forget by the end of the week, here are a few suggestions for making life easier and better.

1. Take life by the balls

If you’re waiting for life to come along and do everything you want whilst you sit back, you could be waiting a while.

2. Stay away from men (or women) that ‘belong’ to someone else.

Most of the time, coveting or actually carrying out a relationship with someone who is already in one with someone else, will result in tears. Yours and possibly the person who they’re cheating on. Better to be on your own with your self esteem intact rather than waiting for the few crumbs to be thrown at you.

3. Good female interaction (The Art of Sisterhood) equals good karma!

If you’re pretending to be nice when really you’re a bitch, if you’re chatting sh*t about your friends and grinning to their face, if you covet their men, sleep with their men, chase their men, belittle, and be generally negative about the women around you, you’d amazed at the impact it can have on your life. Being ruthless to other women is a skill that men subconsciously spot in you that they can inadvertently use to their advantage. Having a close circle of female friends can actually help you to avoid bad dating mistakes.

4. Be happy in your own company.

If you detest being alone, even for a few hours, or detest singledom, you make yourself a target for bad relationships. You will make misguided choices to avoid what you think is the awfulness of being alone, but you’ll choose men that you will expect to complete you which is a one way trip to misery.

5. Don’t use sex as a way to ‘get’ someone to want you more
You could shag someone 24/7 and they may still not want to be in a relationship. For some guys, they do take the attitude of ‘Why buy the cow if you can drink the milk for free?’

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Surviving Christmas Whether You’re Single or Attached

Tis the season to be jolly. Or is it called a holiday? However you celebrate this season, it can, for some people, put pressure on you whether you’re single or in a relationship. Before you crack up altogether, remember the following:

1) In essence, it’s one day out of 365 and whilst I recognise that it’s a special day during a special season mostly driven by Hallmark….it’s not worth tearing your hair out over and it’s better to keep it in perspective.
2) If you’re single and musing over the gift you may have gotten if you had a significant other in your life, buy yourself the present or at the very least treat yourself to something nice. Single isn’t about waiting for someone to ride up on their white horse and treat you to stuff. Own your own happiness!
3) Much as you may want to throttle family members at times, remember that with any luck you can go back to normal within a few days. I found that I really appreciated time with my crackerjack family when stopped cursing their quirky ways and accepted that this was my family warts and all and started to enjoy them.
4) However, that said, don’t think that just because it’s the festive season that you should allow friends or family to take advantage of you and belittle your lifestyle choices. Don’t go starting World War III but do nip it in the bud if you feel yourself getting upset. Either tell them in a non confrontational way that their comments are hurtful, give back as good as you get or learn to shrug it off. I know some people that drink away the comments but I don’t recommend that for everyone!
5) Try not to stress too much over presents. It is the thought that counts, not how much money you’re throwing at everyone. Don’t leave yourself penniless in an effort to keep up with the Jones. Set a budget, do a list or if you’re shopping savvy, do your shopping last minute as a hell of a lot of shops reduce the prices on products that you had to pay full price for if you were actually organised about when you bought them.
6) If in doubt about what to get your partner, ask.
7) If in doubt about what to spend on your partner, agree a limit as to what you’ll both spend if that makes you feel more comfortable.
Some people I know are waiting till after Christmas and going shopping in the sales with their significant others.
9) Don’t use the season as an opportunity to try to pressure an engagement, wedding or baby out of someone. The festivities do end and you may be left with the sour taste of resentment to put up with next year.
10) Enjoy yourself! If you really can’t do that, book a last minute break somewhere and escape to peace and quiet elsewhere and get some R&R (rest and relaxation).

11) Don’t do booty calls, Friends Who F*ck/F*ck Buddies/Tings, flexing the digits for an ex or sit at home waiting for a Mr Unavailable or Married Man to call. This is a sure-fire way to ruin the holiday and will exacerbate feelings of loneliness or frustration which you may worsen by trying to repeat the behaviour all over again. If you’re involved in any of these situations, make other plans, be busy, don’t text back straight away and don’t stare into space pining over these people. It’s a waste!

12) Don’t have too much pride. If you have no plans for the season, don’t reject plans that are offered to you just because you don’t want to appear lonely. Accept the plans and enjoy! If you’re happy with your own company, that’s great but if you’re going to stay home and rant and sob, go with the plans and save yourself some Kleenex.

13) Be safe with contraception. If you don’t want to be having a baby next September, remember to take your pill or make sure he has his mac on, or both!

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How To Curb That Sexual Infatuation

So it seems that there is a scientific reason as to why us ladies sometimes obsess over one night stands - According to the Jan issue of the UK Cosmopolitan, if and when we are lucky enough to reach orgasm, our body releases the ‘trust drug’ oxytocin which “floods your brain and persists for several days, hence the temporary infatuation” and “Sense only returns once the floodgates have closed.”

Well, well, well!

I’m a very strong advocate of the rule that one night stands are normally one night stands for a reason and rarely end in wedding bells; however that infatuation feeling is a bitch to deal with. So there are clearly two options with this:

Keep the legs firmly closed and avoid going back to your one nighter for a rematch, as this will only start the whole infatuation feeling all over again…

OR

Hope and pray that you have one night stands with guys that don’t cause you to orgasm…

I say go with the first option!

On another more important note though, this little nugget of knowledge has far wider reaching implications for women that engage in booty calls, ‘tings’, ‘Friends Who F*ck (FWF)’ and trying to shag a relationship out of emotionally unavailable men and already attached men. I’ve have written before about The Justifying Zone which is that slippery slope area that women who have had sex too soon or slept with an unsuitable man fall into after having sex. We continue to sleep with them and persist in trying to string together a relationship because it’s our subconscious way of having a viable excuse for sleeping with them in the first place which means we have to ignore their dubious qualities and possible red flags whilst we’re at it.

Dysfunctional sex, which is that great sex you have with someone you shouldn’t be having it with that is charged by underlying negative and dependent emotions, also thrives in these situations.

It is comforting now to know that this ‘trust drug’ oxytocin is fuelling a lot of this behaviour, which means that if awareness of its existence and the ability to keep the legs closed for longer periods of time to let your brain return to it’s logical format, could help you break dodgy vicious relationship cycles. Sex is a weapon that can render us ill-equipped to deal with the emotional onslaught from certain types of sexual situations and this is another reminder for us that if we want to get good relationships going with suitable guys, keeping yourself on lockdown for that little bit longer could pay off for you in spades. Good luck!

My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim and you can also catch her on her personal blog Tired of Men…and other things that drive a 20something around the twist and The Mr Unavailable Guide.

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