Reading a comment from Veronica on ‘How to spot emotionally unavailable men’, I felt it was important to address it in a post, because it’s a very good insight into the type of negativity that we carry around with us when we are involved with assclowns and Mr Unavailables, and have low self-esteem.
The key thing with misconceptions is that from the moment that you acknowledge that you have the misconception, rather than surrender to it and chug along anyway, you confront the misconception and challenge it, ultimately seeking to replace it with something more positive.
I can assure Veronica and anyone else out there, that if you carry just one negative belief about yourself, love, or relationships, it’s going to screw you up somewhere.
It is true – you get the relationship and the man that reflects what you believe about yourself, love, and relationships, and the more excess baggage you push around on your baggage cart, the more painful your experiences are going to be.
Whatever we fear, it’ll come back to bite us. That’s why women who are scared of being ‘abandoned’ often find themselves with men that do just that or do frequent disappearing acts.
When you carry this much stuff around with you, you cater to it like a self-fulfilling prophecy so that you can nod your head in agreement with the negative voices and tell yourself you are right. This means that you don’t change.
Let’s take Veronica’s negativity one by one:
“1. No one will continue to love me after they find out all my flaws.”
Everybody has flaws. ‘All my flaws’ suggests that there is nothing positive about you. The men you date are flawed. If you walk around projecting negativity from yourself,
“2. Relationships and love do not last or continue to be as good after time.”
If you date assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s, your relationship shoots out fast from the gate and then slows to a gentle canter or a complete halt, or chugs along in fits and starts. Either way, if you place yourself in poor relationships, living in the uncertainty of someone blowing hot, cold, or lukewarm becomes the norm and the relationship does not grow. Poor relationships are without solid foundations. Love grows – you don’t start out with love and then regress and the mistake is taking up with poor relationship companions, starting out superhot and deciding you love them without too much evidence, and then spending the great majority of the relationship wishing he’d be like how he was in the first few weeks, when you’ve already been with him for a year and he’s consistently shown what a dipstick he is.
If you don’t believe in you or love, why bother with a relationship? If you believe they decline over time, you will settle for rubbish because it is all that you expect.
“3. My lover will get bored with me physically and emotionally and I have to perform to keep him.”
No-one is a performing seal and the person who proves that most is the dubious man in the relationship who stops ‘performing’ when stops blowing hot. Relationships are not about the woman performing – there are two people in a relationship who both need to have both feet in. How can a relationship last with this belief? Aside from being bloody exhausting, it’s completely unrealistic and an extremely negative way to view yourself. If you believe he’ll get bored with you, it also says a lot about what you think about his fickle character, which is yet another poor indicator. Learn to speak about yourself in a positive manner. You are an entity in your own right that brings just as much to the table.
“4. If I do not rush into things, the man will get bored and will not continue to pursue me.”
Well this is a crock if ever there was one! If someone is impatient and expects you to ‘rush in’, it’s not a good sign. Speak to any woman who has been involved with an assclown or a Mr Unavailable that rushed her along and effectively put her through an exceptionally hot phase – cold or lukewarm follows after. Excessive pursuing is the sign of an assclown or Mr Unavailable as they’re about extremes – disproportionate attention followed by extremes of inattention. Relationships are not about being pursued like a rabbit with a fox on her tail. Pursuing is very tied up in pre-dating and early stages but it cannot be the basis for an entire relationship. Once it gets past a certain point, you’re both supposed to be in the relationship, not chasing each other around.
“5. All men hype up their feelings in the beginning but they aren’t sincere and do not follow through with their promises and declarations. (Doesn’t matter how much I’m invested because the man will never be as invested as he says he is.)”
Correction – Many assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s hype up their feelings in the beginning etc. If you keep having the same attitude and fishing from the same pool, you’ll get the same shitty results. The types of men you choose and actively pursue have actions and words contradicting as part of their core behaviour. You wouldn’t be involved with these men if you had a better view of yourself and you’d be meeting different men – not all men are the same. And remember – if you involve yourself in these relationships, it is a sign of your own issues and you’re not actually as invested as you think you are.
“6. Men are in general very fickle and dishonest, and cannot be depended on.”
Again, the types of men you’re interested in and gravitate to because of your own internal messaging are fickle, dishonest, and undependable. They are reflections of your own beliefs.
“7. Love is an obsessive, hyped up, silly, dishonest haze brought upon by heightened hormones and perfect behavior in the beginning.”
Relationships build and grow. Many women focus on the beginning as if that’s supposed to be an indicator of the future and in some respects it is. If the person consistently behaves in a positive way and the relationship grows, the likelihood is that your relationship has prospects. If the person starts one way and becomes another not too soon after, it’s because the beginning is over, they’ve passed the hot phase, and they were never truly that person in the first place. The mistake we make is betting on potential that we think they have based on initial behaviour, rather than recognising that they have consistently behaved in a shitty manner which makes it their consistent character, which means, you need to get out.
“8. No man sticks around unless I behave perfectly in the beginning, or really ever (do they stick around.)”
Again, there is the beginning thing. That doesn’t even make any sense. Would that mean it would be ok to be perfect in the beginning and then not so perfect further down the line? This is the most revealing thing despite it not making any sense because this reflects the core belief about men and relationships , which is:
As long as the guy behaves perfectly in the beginning, I will stick around because it proves that he is this person. It doesn’t matter if he never shows that behaviour again because I know that if he could do that in the beginning, it shows how he really felt because it was when he was pursuing me, and it also shows that he is capable of this behaviour.
Men aren’t some special species that are deserving of being put on a pedestal. Relationships are the sum of two people, not one, and it is impossible to behave perfectly as has been proved time and time again. You are human – give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack, and stop treating men like the sun shines out of their arse – it doesn’t. Put some value on yourself instead of thinking that you need a man beside you seeing you as perfect for your value to exist or increase. More importantly, start realising that if the beginning behaviour doesn’t follow through into a consistent, positive behaviour, you’ve got jack.
Your thoughts? What are your misconceptions? Do you share Veronica’s? What do you now know, that you wished you knew about back then?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
{ 65 comments }
← Previous Comments
…. Or is it also that being with these “types†of men exacerbates these feelings of insecurity, abandonment and low self esteem? Like Ive said before— I feel that I have had a decent level of self esteem (we can all make improvements) but it wasn’t until I dated my first EUM (Ive had two looking back) that I felt they “TRIGGERED†inside of me these feelings even more. Its like— when he didn’t recipricate, or when I learned about the first lie or when I felt that I was giving more than he was….
I can identify with a lot of what Karen wrote in her post above. This relationship was my first (and my last) with an EUM. I started to doubt myself and feel insecure because he wasn’t treating me right. Did I do something wrong? I’d never had this happen to me before, so maybe it was me. Now I know better.
Just because my EUM doesn’t not love me doesn’t mean that I am unloveable.
Just because he does not value me does not mean that I am worthless.
Just because he did not want me doesn’t mean that no one else will.
I had to keep saying this to myself over and over so as not to become stuck in a swamp of insecurity and self-loathing. I reminded myself of the healthy relationships that I have had over the years with my family, friends and other men. I have forgiven myself for making the mistake of staying with Twatman for so long. But I will never forget how he treated me and how I felt. I will never tolerate rubbish under the guise of love again. Ever.
I just recently realised by bf is an EUM. I’m accepting that, and I have been reading a lot of info on this site. I do now know that I need to break up with this guy. Any advice on how to do this? I’ve read that NC will make them blow “hot”, etc. It’s not a BAD situation at this time, he just isn’t affectionate enough, is always “tired” and always has “job stress” going on and I no longer believe the false promises that things will get better in time. I understand now that it won’t. I want affection, and to have feelings returned, not spend time with someone who is emotionless. I guess I was really confused because he does do nice things, calls everyday, just isn’t “there” emotionally. Do I bring this up or is it better to just say “sorry…it’s not working for me”… and then cut all contact? Advice?
If I’m an EUW and he is an EUM, why not just dabble for the fun of it?
I am just TOTALLY throwing this out there. Have not contacted (or heard from) my EUM since the “Facebook” debacle, and have NO desire to, but as I don’t want an relship with him anyway (though I have stronger feelings for him than vice-versa) what would be so wrong in responding to him if he contacted? Just to say hi?
Having said that, it usually ends up in a one sided booty call with some nice conversation. Sometimes that is enough for me…or I convince myself it’s worth it, for the nice conversation part, because i DO like talking to him…
Honestly, just musing here. I’m sure lots of therapy is in order.
But if neither of us wants anything (I’m CERTAINLY not ready for a relationship with ANYONE and feel I might never be) then why isn’t it okay to stay in touch?
blackgnat:
Because somehow or another, he’ll drag you back in deeper. That’s the game they play. They’re clever assclowns.
Blackgnat: Don’t you or wouldn’t you want to heal your EU problem so that the EUMen stop being of interest to you? If you don’t change, or fix yourself than you cannot expect anything more than you are projecting outward. You’ll always select EUM’s because they will mirror you and your insecurities.
If you don’t want to change that’s OK. Just realize that your life will continue with EUM’s – assclowns as long you keep up your own EU behavior. Like attracts like, misery loves company, no matter how you slice and dice it you’ll come up empty. I think the emptiness is your responsibility to heal/fix/fill, not someone elses.
And ph2072 is right, you’ll just get in deeper and deeper.
blackgnat, how much more can this man do to you? How low do you really want to sink? Where is your pride or dignity for crying out loud, you are even less than a doormat.
Have you not chased long enough, aren’t you tired?
Astelle, I’m not chasing him any more. I have truly looked into my heart and there is nothing there for him. It’s like after I felt such intial agony (of course, brought on by the latest round of contact with him-why expect a different outcome?!) I’ve been thinking it all through and for whatever reason, the scales thave fallen away from my eyes. It sounds fake, but I just feel CURED!. I’m sure it has a lot to do with my reading of the site and the advice given here. Maybe it’s my “A-HA” moment?
It was a general question, maybe one designed to get a reaction (!) Or maybe it’s rhetorical? I didn’t mean to make it pertain to my EUM. More of a “What would happen if….”
….and thanks ph2072 and BWOH for your answers (and to you, Astelle!) because I think that there is something really so deep about my own emotional unavailability that it’ll never be cured. I just got out of a 22 year marriage (we were separated for 4 years before the divorce became final) and I think there’s just a big old hole in my heart that nobody can fill. My ex was also EU, but I never really realised it, or I didn’t realise that I was, too .By the time we had ignored those feelings, it was too late to fix. We just kind of lead parallel lives and thought that it was the best that marriage could bring. We still get along very well, but that was probably all there was to it in the first place.
I just get scared that I have been forever damaged and if I meet someone nice (though I have zero interest) then I won’t be able to feel anything sincere for them beyond a certain point. It’s really scary ,because I am a loving person.
I think I just don’t trust men anymore and I don’t want to be bitter and twisted, which is why I was posing the hypothetical scenario of what would happen to women like me. CAN I be changed? It seems too massive a hurdle to overcome.
Anyone felt like me and was able to love again?
BG,
I think you can change if you want to address you issues. Why don’t you see someone professionally?
I want to clarify that the closest I can relate my EUM experience to is to Astelle’s (specifically NML’s posts to her situation)
He and I never dated, we would go out in big groups or be at parties together, or I would go over to his house for sex, but we never did things as a couple. He never told me he loved me ,etc, as so many other women have experienced here. Made it pretty clear he wasn’t available to one woman exclusively, so it’s not really like I was promised anything.
It was my projections and assumptions that created a lot of the drama. Of course, he DID pursue me very hotly at one time and then have me as flavor of the month kind of situation. And we fought and re-connected many times, with him saying sorry and saying some very deep and loving things about me.
But I am not sure that my experience didn’t say everything about me as an EUW. I just didn’t know I was one.
Hope this is making sense….
Gaynor, that is something I have been thinking of. Im not sure what type of therapist to go to, though-is it a matter of trial and error when one goes to a therapist? Are there people trained in this specific kind of problem, or does it all fall under a general “blanket”?
Please tell me, if anyone knows! Do I go to a Clinical Social Worker or a pyschologist or a psychiatrist or what?
Thanks in advance!
I don’t know. The only type of counseling I am seeking if for cancer (brother).
Rules recommended the 12 step program and Nikki recommended a program for co-dependents-don’t know if this is applicable to you? Have you done any research on the Internet to see who may specialize in this field.
blackgnat, check this out:
http://www.aboutpsychotherapy.com/
I believe you would benefit from Psychotherapy.
Thank you so much, Astelle-I read it and it seems like that’s just what I’d need.
I will look into my local providers asap and try to get to the bottom of this madness!
On Friday, I broke up with my boyfriend. Not the best timing, as he has friends from out of town staying with him for a week. So it’s not like we can “talk” about this stuff, he’s pretty busy playing host.
Bottom line… I’m trying very hard to NOT contact him. I need to make a clean break and I’m feeling very anxious, edgy, and can’t stop thinking about whether or not we could “work this out”. We can’t. He won’t change. He’s not emotionally available. At all. Just looking for some kind words here… tell me again why I need to let this go? I’m heartbroken. I’d take him back in a second. I know if I called him he would jump right in.
Ugh. This sucks.
Dianna- Seems like in your head you know what’s best, but your heart/emotions are still clinging to what you want the relationship to be. Not what it actually is. Take the next steps and begin figuring out what YOU need to be happy, or the next steps you need to take to get past the anxiety, edgy feelings. For starters download NML’s book, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
If you know he’s an assclown, he’ll always be an assclown. He will not change, you are the one responsible for making a life changing decision for yourself, you deserve more than this guy can give. Don’t short change yourself, because you are hung up on some fantasy of him or how you would like the relationship to be or to work. He doesn’t see it your way, he doesn’t think like you do. Cut the cord now.
Best of luck.
← Previous Comments